"Your head on my shoulder,
Seems like a crime,
Why are we so drawn to each other,
When we know it's not right?"

Bad For Each Other - Shark Island

/

By the time Joss was down to the dregs of her third beer she'd loosened up a lot, all the stress of the day ebbing away, as she enjoyed the music and Billy's company. Finally allowing herself to join in with the various light-hearted conversations he wanted to start, discussing the latest album from a favourite band, or which movies they were hungrily looking forward to seeing later in summer. Laughing at each others jokes, enjoying the suddenly unguarded time.

It felt easy here in this moment with him, that things could be so good when they weren't playing games. By the end of that third beer she was tipsy enough to want to tell him so many stupid things, not only that he was her best friend, the only friend she'd been this close with since she was a kid, but that she wanted it to always be like this between them, relaxed and carefree. Without all the bullshit, just his smile and her laughter to fill up their time. For one fleeting moment she wanted to ask him to run away with her into another life, where they could both start again, and the thought made her want to laugh at how childish and deluded it all sounded in her head.

But, she suddenly wanted to believe it could be possible, that when she left this shitty place behind, he could too, and it wouldn't matter if they were still sleeping together, or only friends. They could try, because they'd shown a little flash of their personal wounds to each other. That bonded you in a way that Joss couldn't really describe or truly understand. It was a type of trust, maybe, that carved out a little space for that other person, a level of understanding that was rarely extended unasked for, but they didn't need to ask, it just, somehow, existed.

As Billy spoke of a new album he had been particularly enjoying, Joss was a little guilty to find she was no longer listening, instead imagining how they could find parking lots to sleep in as they made their long slow way back to California in his Chevy, back to the ocean. Then whatever came for them, would come. True freedom from everything, including whatever held them both bound to this circle of repeated patterns here in Hawkins. The ups and downs wouldn't matter, because on the hardest days and bleakest nights they could pull up memories of times like this, where they had been no more than two lost kids walking hand and hand through uncertainty, able to know they would survive. That felt kind of beautiful to Joss, that no matter what became of them, if they made it through this together, or parted, they'd always have that place for each other. Those thoughts felt so warm, so good, that Joss knew they were a fantasy, a rose tinted way of viewing what they could be if the world was fair, or kind, or perfect.

She quelled down the urge to tell him any of this, knowing she'd sound drunk, and he would only laugh and dismiss her words as beer fuelled chatter, and then bring it up as a stick to beat her with in playful jest when it next suited him. Maybe it was all just idyllic beer fuelled thinking and she was giving them both way more credit than they were really due. Alcohol had done that for her in the past, made her believe in things that seemed impossible and absurd in the sober cold light of day, with a pounding headache and so many regrets. If she told him any of that hopeful, guileless stuff, maybe he'd look at her like she was nuts, like she was the loser she so often feared people would discover underneath her perceived cool surface. Whatever the truth was, Joss knew she was too scared to find out what he'd think if she opened herself up too far.

She zoned back in on the present conversation with Billy, leaving those thoughts behind and the possibilities unfulfilled, telling herself, once again, self preservation was everything.

When they finally emerged from the bar it was completely dark, the night sky clear and full of stars. Joss stood in the doorway light admiring it for a moment before she felt Billy's warm fingers glance against her wrist, tugging her towards the car. Joss watched him walk a few steps before she took the chance to allow her childish drunken side to take over, and with one swift run and jump she'd hauled herself up onto his back, forcing him to give her a piggyback ride the rest of the way across the parking lot, which he bore with only a shake of his head and a disapproving grunt. His hands curled around her thighs, holding her steady with all his muscle and strength, and Joss sighed heavily, leaning fully against him, her chin nestled in the dip of his shoulder, feeling contented with how this evening had eventually gone.

"Don't fall asleep up there, okay," he said, giving her a rough jostle.

"I won't!" Joss lightly smacked the back of his head playfully. "Don't drop me."

As if he'd been asked to do just that, Billy then pretended to lose his grip, allowing her to fall a few inches before he caught her with a measured ease, causing Joss to let out a sharp shriek of panic.

"I won't," he said, with a little snort of satisfaction.

Joss settled herself back into a comfortable position and began to casually play with a few strands of his dark blond curls, twirling them around her fingers as he walked in confident steps, taking them the short walk to their destination. She took that small moment to enjoy being this close and intimate with him, without lust being involved.

"How do you get your hair so perfect?" she mused softly into his ear.

She saw him quirk a glance back to her, his steps slowing, but he didn't offer any reply.

"I mean, it's so fluffy and curly and, you know... defined. My hair never behaves like that, even when I use mousse and hairspray. It always comes out looking like a frizzy poodle." She pulled a golden coil out all the way and watched it spring back, the action leaving what felt like a little waxy product on her fingers. "Do you, like, actually curl it or something?"

She'd meant it as a joke but she felt him stiffen just a little beneath her, probably only disliking her questioning how far he went in his self grooming.

"Yeah, right," he said with a dismissive snarl, but to Joss it sounded uncertain. "My hair is all natural."

Maybe it was all the beer sloshing around in her brain, but that had felt like it had hit some kind of nerve, some thing he didn't want her to know, and that made her feel suddenly mischievous.

"Billy Hargrove in curlers!" Joss squeaked in delight. "Are they bright pink? Because I think that is totally your colour," she quipped.

He gave a grunt of indignation but didn't reply.

Joss closed her eyes and sighed wistfully. "I can see it now," she said, the smile very clear in the tone of her voice. She felt him shift, turning to look at her.

"See what?"

"You, in a cut off t-shirt and tight briefs, perfect neat little rows of pink rollers all over your head. I can picture it oh, so clearly!"

He gave another grunt of dissatisfaction. "Well, stop picturing that!" His voice sounded uncomfortable and Joss let out another delighted laugh, but refused to open her eyes, like the picture in her mind was far too entertaining.

"Oh, yeah, there you go, dancing to some Mötley Crüe now, isn't imagination amazing?" Joss drew out every word. "You are kinda cute when you think no one's watching, you know?"

"Hey, stop!" Billy demanded.

"It suits you, you'd make such a great stripper!" Joss was gleeful in her teasing now, taking great pleasure in his growing discomfort.

"Hey!" Billy slapped a palm against her ass cheek in sharp reprimand, but all he got in return was more giggling.

"So sensitive," Joss said, lowering her voice comically.

"You know, Tanner, you're a terrible drunk."

"Tanner the Terrible!" Joss screeched into the silent night, pushing herself further up his back and extending a fist in a punch of jubilation. Billy flinched at the sudden sound before rolling his eyes. "And, Hargrove the Heartbreak Kid?" Joss poked him in the ribs playfully. "Best stripper names, right? We could do a dancing duet."

Billy slapped her again, just a little harder, which made Joss let out a yelp of surprise before she dissolved into more laughter. "Ow, not so hard!"

"I really will drop you," Billy warned.

"Okay, okay," Joss said, admitting defeat and becoming semi-serious. "But, first," she clutched her arms around his neck in a hold that threatened to strangle him if he even tried to let her go, "will you show me how you got these curls?" Joss giggled, pulling out another coil before letting it snap back into place.

"Shut up, Tanner," Billy grumbled.

He carefully eased her down to sit on his trunk and the playful contented feeling was over as quickly as it had come, and Joss felt the chill of the loss of his body pressed against her own in a moment that hadn't been a game, or a thrill, it had been intimate and light-hearted. Something she found she longed for more from him, but knew would never come easy.

She took a short moment to glance back up at the sky, her eyes finding a few shining bright stars and admiring them with lip-parted awe, and he came to join her, leaning back on the trunk of the car and lighting up a cigarette, his gaze following hers up towards the sky.

"What are you seeing up there?" He squinted, trying to see whatever it was that had her so seemingly fascinated, but after a few seconds lost patience, gave up his own search and blew out a cloud of smoke instead.

"The past, maybe." Joss' voice was a little far away and meditative.

"The past never does anyone any good." Billy sniffed as if he was the professor of past and present knowledge.

Joss glanced back to him, abandoning her search. "Don't you wish, sometimes..." She hesitated, knowing this was going to be an offshoot of that drunken talk she had only shied away from a short time before. "You could go back? Change stuff, or do things differently?"

He sniffed again and cleared his throat with a rough sound before spitting off to the side, definitely a trait Joss hated, and he did so often because of his cigarette habit, but she didn't chide him in the usual way, wanting to hear his answer instead.

"Nah," he said, with another draw on his cigarette.

"Never?" Joss' voice was high in disbelief. "Don't you wish you could stop yourself doing stupid shit or making mistakes?"

He shook his head, letting out a large cloud of smoke as he spoke. "No."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because without all that stupid shit and mistakes, what will I get to look back on when I'm too old to care about being right or wrong? You gotta do all that shit to know you lived, something." He was looking up towards the sky now and Joss got the impression he was avoiding looking at her.

"Do you mean just the good stuff... or the pain too?" Joss asked softly.

He shrugged. "Both, I guess." He took a moment to think over his next words. "You gotta know the worst to know when the good comes along."

Joss nodded as if she understood, but frowned as she realized she didn't. "Sounds like sadomasochism to me."

He pointed the two fingers holding the cigarette in her direction. "Exactly. You gotta know pain to know pleasure, right?"

Joss scoffed and crossed her hands casually across her middle. "I don't think that's strictly true, sounds like something some guy would write in to Playboy."

He laughed, giving her a side-eyed glance that judged her playfully for knowing the contents of such a publication. "Only way stuff evens out, only way you win," he said, ignoring her little jibe.

Joss remembered him saying something similar back inside the bar. "Not everything is about winning or losing," she protested, swinging her legs.

He looked back at her, and even though Joss wasn't looking at him, she could feel his gaze as that intense, almost physical touch again. When she finally looked at him, his expression was quizzical, like she might be playing this game with only half a deck of cards. "Yes, it is," he said, with a determined finality.

Joss shook her head, disagreeing harshly with that idea, or perhaps just not wanting to admit that life was that cruel. The winners won, while the losers lost, with no room for any neutrality, it seemed so suddenly bleak.

"No?" Billy blew out a cloud of smoke in laughter. "Well, go on, tell me why losing at life isn't so bad? Let me hear this hippy bullshit." He leaned towards her, cupping his ear in mocking mime of being willing to listen.

"There's always a middle ground." Joss smiled and knew he saw her in that moment as just some naïve idiot.

"When you find that middle ground, you let me know." He took one last drag on his cigarette and then flicked the spent butt off into the darkness of the parking lot. He made to move away, ready to walk towards the driver's side, but Joss caught him by the cuff of his denim jacket, stilling him for a moment and bringing him a few steps back towards her.

She looked up at him, her gaze connecting with his in the silence and allowed herself the rare moment to really see him. His eyes were such a vivid shade of cornflower blue that she could see them even in the dim lighting of the parking lot, framed by a startling amount of dark lashes that would make any girl jealous. When he was at ease and relaxed the effect made him look slightly drowsy, easy-going, even dreamy maybe. He could be the representation of a Gothic Romantic poet with those eyes, and it was difficult in these unguarded moments, to remember the hardness, the sudden coldness that could come into those eyes, turning soft petals to cruel ice.

"When school is over," she breathed, not letting go of her grip, her hand suddenly feeling clammy against the material that was warm from his body heat, "let's just go. Let's drive out of Hawkins and find our own middle ground." Self preservation was for the weak, Joss supposed, and she hoped she was strong enough to take the weight of speaking those words aloud.

His gaze came to study her, and Joss expected those unpredictable eyes to harden, the warmness to flicker and disappear, leaving the space between them frozen. Then he'd give her a smug and teasing look and laugh, dismissing the whole notion as nonsense. But he didn't smile. His eyes remained connected to hers, and warm, so warm that Joss felt them ignite something small and hopeful inside her chest.

His hand came to cup her cheek softly and she welcomed the contact, pushing herself into the warmth of his palm. "It's a nice daydream." His voice was low, deep, and held a note of sentimentality. His thumb caressed the contours of her cheekbone as his eyes met hers once again. "But, it's a daydream, all the same." Although what he said was dismissive, he sounded almost appreciative that she'd spoken those words at all.

"Tell me why we couldn't? We could drive, anywhere we want to go," Joss breathed, her heart beginning to beat just a little faster, because if he agreed now, if he said yes, what they had, it could become something more than lust and mind games, it could become real.

Billy glanced away, his hand moving from her cheek to caress the back curve of his car. "Can't drive anywhere when you don't fully own a car," he said, finally. "So, technically, that'd be theft."

Joss let out a laugh of disbelief. "What? This is your car, you paid for it. It's yours!" She sounded far more angry than she intended to.

Billy sniffed and shifted his weight as if he was now a little uncomfortable. "It's still in my old man's name."

"What?" Joss repeated dumbly.

"He felt bad, after one night when things got outta hand between us, back in California. I was meant to be watching Max and... I messed up. He thought he'd broken my arm and-" He looked down, letting out a laugh that sounded somehow dismissive and fragile.

"So, he bought you a car?" Joss said, feeling suddenly a little sick.

"No!" Billy said sharply, his defences suddenly up. "He helped me get it. He knew I'd been working and saving. I paid for it, I busted my ass. He put his name and the first payment down, that's all," Billy shrugged.

"So," Joss said, trying to understand, "I guess if you just left, he might call the cops on you, is that what you're saying?"

Billy again shrugged. "Maybe. I still have to pay him back, with interest, for that first payment. Then he'll put the car in my name."

Joss looked away, trying to hide her revulsion. "Sounds like he was trying to buy you off and keep you chained."

Billy laughed, masking whatever he now felt with a grin. "He's not always-" Billy stopped before he said that sentence. "There's just more to it, than just right and wrong, black and white. I push him, he has to push back. If it wasn't for him I'd probably be in some jail cell right now."

"Is that what he told you?" Joss said, unable to hide the accusatory tone in her voice.

Billy shook his head as if she was misunderstanding him. "I don't like it. No one likes their parents telling them they fucked up. He pulls me up when I need to be reminded what's important, what being responsible means, that kinda shit."

"Is that what he tells you, too? That you need to be pulled up like a horse?" She huffed out a breath, feeling aggravated with everything he was saying. "I don't know why you stay, you should just drive off, see what he'll do. Screw him!" Joss knew this was an unreasonable request.

Billy let out a laugh, finding her outburst endearing, as if she were a kid that had just been told they couldn't get a second helping of ice cream. "It's not as simple as just running away." He gave her a pointed look that made Joss suddenly feel a rush of heat come into her cheeks.

"Is that what you think I do, just run away?"

He came to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and jerking her a little towards him, pushing his lips softly to hers, silencing Joss' protests before they could even begin. When he pulled back he was smiling, and Joss felt the annoyance of any insinuation contained within his words melt away. It suddenly felt good to be the cause of that smile.

"No," he finally said, "you just fight a little different."

"I'll take that as a compliment," she said, before he kissed her again and again, the kiss deepening into something more, not quite lust, but something that felt like they were taking a moment to truly understand all the secrets they kept safe for each other.

He pulled away and Joss wanted to reach for him, pull him back into her arms and kiss him all over again, to experience that same feeling of strange reverence, but when she looked up into his face she could see he had already moved past it, his mind fully in the present. He turned and made for the driver's side door. Joss took one last brief moment to feel that loss of the moment and glanced up at the stars before she got down and followed his lead, getting into the Camaro.

They sat in the car for a moment in silence and Billy went to flick the key that would start the engine, but he paused, the movement causing the keys to jingle softly in the stillness.

"What?" Joss said, with a sceptical look, knowing whatever he would say next would fully burst the comfortable atmosphere, either with a suggestion that they go back to hers for a little fun, or with some other gesture or words that would make her want to pull away all over again.

"I just think sometimes, it would be easier if we just stopped pretending."

"Pretending what?" Joss asked, her brow furrowing, not understanding what he was getting at.

"That we don't know each other." He sounded suddenly frustrated and Joss really didn't understand where this was coming from. "Don't you get tired of it?"

"I'm not pretending, I'm here with you, right now," Joss protested.

"Would it be so terrible if we just dated openly for a while?"

Joss let out a laugh and turned away, thinking he was joking, but when she turned back his expression had hardened to something between annoyance and indignation. "You already know my answer to that, why are you even asking?" That knot was suddenly back in her stomach.

"I just don't get you," he said, with a deep sigh, as if she was being the most absurd person he'd ever dealt with.

"After everything I've told you, you don't get why I don't want to be in a very visible, public, gossip worthy relationship at school?"

"No one would say anything if you were with me."

Joss was shaking her head before he'd even finished speaking. "No." She closed her eyes, jaded by this entire conversation. "This is me. I'm not pretending. I'm just Joss with you, with everyone else at school I'd have to put on another mask. Be someone else all over again. I don't want that." She brushed a hand against her closed eyelids, feeling suddenly more tired than she had all day. "I just want to get through these next few weeks, okay? Put Hawkins High behind me and get out of this town." She eyed him with a suspicious look. "Why are you pushing this?"

"I'm not pushing," he said, hands palm open on the wheel, his tone one of barely contained resentment.

"I don't want this to be public."

"Whatever this is, Billy said sarcastically, echoing her words of earlier.

"Exactly," Joss said, not taking the bait. "I can't see how dating me openly would be any cool points for you anyway, I'm a nobody."

"I don't care what people think."

"Clearly." Joss didn't think that was true at all. "Apart from the fact you have to have a girlfriend at all times, right? Is that what you want me to be, just there to take the heat off you?" Joss huffed and looked out the window, wishing this conversation was over and done with. "What about Trish?" she challenged, grabbing the fact out of her swirl of thoughts, using it as her shield to push him back. "You think she's going to be happy you've been seeing me behind her back? She'll want to beat my ass!"

"I can handle Trish," he said, with such a condescending air that Joss bristled.

"Oh, so you can police every girl's bathroom can you? What about the moments you aren't around to be my constant bodyguard, to make sure no one decides to corner me?"

He let out a disapproving sigh, exasperated with her.

"Trish won't want to share. She'll kill me!" Joss pushed back harder against his silence.

"Trish will back off if I tell her to. We were never anything serious. Besides you don't seem to mind sharing," he said, with a suggestive lick of his lips.

Something about those words made all of Joss' body suddenly feel overwhelmed by a prickling heat, but she couldn't place the emotion. Anger? Shame? Guilt? Jealousy? It was everything.

"Take me home," Joss said, crossing her arms across her chest, trying to close herself off to any further discussion.

"Okay, that was a bad joke, but you know what I mean. We don't sweat that stuff."

"Don't we?" Joss said, not truly understanding why all this had suddenly made her feel so unspeakably pissed off with him. It was like he was never content, always pushing for more and more until there was nothing left to take. He had to spoil every gentle moment between them, every moment that could mean something more, something real. "You seemed to hate the tiniest hint of me even making eye contact with another guy, but I'm meant to just 'eat it' when you walk around with a girl wrapped around you at school?"

"How many times have I got to tell you? Trish and me aren't serious."

"Maybe until I believe what I actually see! You want me to openly date you, while you still have a girlfriend? Fuck that and fuck you for asking!"

"You know she's not really my girlfriend. I would have said if she was," Billy said, letting out another frustrated sigh, anger gritting between his teeth as he spoke.

"Would you?"

"I'm there when she wants someone and she's there when I want something. It's just a right time and place deal. I haven't fucked her since we got together, if that's what this is all about."

"I feel so much better, thanks," Joss said, with a sarcastic edge, even though that tidbit of information did try to soothe her anger a little, she wouldn't let it.

"I would call it off with her before we let everyone know we were together. I'm not a fucking idiot, Joss."

"That's good to know too. So many amazing things I'm learning tonight," Joss said, her body tense and angled casually away from him, disengaging completely.

"Come on Joss, Jesus, this is a stupid argument and you know it!" he said, pointing an accusing finger in her direction.

"Take me home," she repeated, and she saw his jaw set in anger before he flicked on the ignition and, with no more conversation, he did just as she wanted, silently driving her all those miles home with a tension hovering in the air between them that felt toxic.

When they pulled up to her driveway, she got out without a single backwards glance or word being spoken, closing the door with a heavier hand than was needed. Before she'd even reached her front door, she heard his engine angrily rev and he sped away, leaving her alone, and all Joss could feel was deep relief.

/

A/N

Drama right?

Hello, welcome back to those reading.

I am so sorry to say that I will be taking a break for a few weeks. I am moving in with a family member for a few weeks to help them after surgery. I'm hoping I will still be able to get one more chapter out next Friday, (it may or may not happen depending on time and stuff) but after that my schedule is thrown in the air. As some of you may know from my earlier author notes, this story IS fully complete and just in need of a clean up chapter by chapter to sort out any glaring plot holes or terrible grammar, but I still need that bit of free time to actually get that done. Usually I do this on my day off as a relaxation ritual :)))

So, hopefully, only a small pause, but I wanted to let you know and keep you all in the loop so you don't feel I'm abandoning it. While I may miss a few schedules now and again, this story IS complete and will all be uploaded. I hope you can stay with.

Until (hopefully) next Friday, see ya!