The door creaked open. He could hear bare footsteps approach the table, as he washed his face in the sink.
"Good morning, Shinji."
"Good morning."
Shinji rubbed his eyes, turning to watch Misato slump in her seat, her arms set on the kitchen table. He tried and failed to fight the exhaustion in his body, something Misato realized in an instant.
"You can take a break if you'd like. No sync test today. Sleep in."
"It's fine. I like doing this for you."
Reaching to his left, Shinji brought her a morning beer. Just as he expected, Misato perked at the sight of it, taking it in her hand and drinking it in one fell swoop. Her fingers only lightly grazed Shinji's own yet even that still caused him to form a blush on his cheeks.
She finally noticed the soup in front of her. Misato looked up at Shinji and nodded with a smile.
"Thanks a lot."
Taking the plate in her hands, Misato eagerly chugged it down as she did with the beer can. She avoided eye contact with the boy. He could feel anxiety building in him.
"I… made it how you usually like it." He said, trying to start conversation. "Miso soup."
Misato nodded again, putting the soup down. "You know exactly what to do, Shinji. I truly mean it, thanks."
He winced. Not even a her Shinji. After a moment of staring at the plate, seemingly trying to avoid looking at him, Misato finally said:
"It's going to be a busy night for me. Files to stack, meeting with Ritsuko, all that stuff. Don't wait up for me."
Shinji's lips curved down.
"I understand. I'll make you something for when you get home."
"Huh? No, please don't. I can order out just fine."
He glanced downward, sad at what she said. Unfortunately for Shinji, he moved his leg at the wrong moment and hit something. Too late did Shinji find Pen-Pen right below him, hurt and furious over a perceived attack.
"I- I'm sorry, Pen-Pen! I wasn't watching where I was going, honest!"
Pen-Pen refused to accept that apology. He screamed at Shinji, pecking his leg in revenge.
"Ow, ow, ow! I'm sorry!"
"Knock it off, Pen-Pen!" Misato got up from the chair to intervene. She placed a hand over Pen-Pen's head, getting him to stop. "It was just an accident, he said sorry! Stop it."
Her plea did the trick. It was a crapshoot whether Pen-Pen listened to Shinji or not, but he always listened to Misato. Pen-Pen shrugged and marched off, leaving the boy to Misato. She rubbed Shinji's leg.
"He wasn't too bad was he?"
"N- No he's not."
The first time Misato had acknowledged him in a while. She held Shinji's cheek, giving him what seemed to be a tender gaze at first blush. However, Shinji saw something behind her eyes. Not a spark of joy lied behnind her brown pupils. There was something else, something he couldn't place.
Fear? Loathing? Resentment? Those words came to Shinji's mind, every time he saw them over the past week or two. If Misato had those feelings, she hadn't acted on them. Instead, she ignored him.
Until now. Until Misato realized what she had been doing, and pulled back.
"Good day, huh?"
Shinji sighed. "Good day."
"I'm gonna get dressed. You, um, clean up okay?"
As Misato went back to her room, Shinji could only glumly look out the window.
"I told her how I felt… now she won't even look at me. What did I do wrong?"
He had contemplated this question for however knows long. Misato heard the words she wanted to hear for so long, yet all it did was push her away from him. He should have kept his mouth shut, Shinji thought with bitterness. If opening up lead to this, he would said nothing and rode out that high from surviving the Angel. Nonexistence was preferable to the hurt he felt right now, the hollowness he usually felt mixed with a sense of wounded pride he hadn't had before. Shinji did not enjoy hope, even less to see it dashed. All it did was make him more hurt in the process.
"… Hmmm?"
Just at that moment, staring out into lavish greens of the Geo-Front, Shinji found a peculiar sight. He yelled to Misato:
"Misato!"
"Yeah?"
"Is anyone allowed into the Geo-Front? Someone is digging there."
"Normally no." Misato came out wearing her red jacket. "Let's check it out."
It didn't take long for them to reach the Geo-Front.
Actually standing on the ground floor, Shinji couldn't help but find the man-made marvel even more amazing. Inside NERV's walls was a lovingly crafted forest of trees, ponds and a lake unlike any he had seen in his teacher's home. The clear blue sky only served to enhance the raw beauty of it all. From the reports he was forced to read, NERV HQ was built around the Geo-Front as a research facility as well as a place to battle the Angels.
Shinji could only be so lucky to be standing in such a place. The thought tempered his increasing annoyance at the sight of Kaji desecrating this sacred habitat. The toolbox was only inches from Kaji as he buried the shovel into the grass and turned his attention to the new arrivals.
"Whoah, do my eyes deceive me? Or is it Katsuragi and son?"
He paid them a knowing smirk, continuing on with his business. Shinji was in no mood to entertain his secrecy, and evidently neither was Misato.
"You've got five seconds to explain yourself, Kaji. What the hell are you doing here?"
"Relax, hmph I got permission from the higher ups." Kaji groaned from the exertion. "I'm making a garden for my watermelons."
Misato crossed her arms. "I refuse to believe you took gardening seriously."
"I sure did. Even have a lovely patch back in Germany." Kaji waved a hand. "Wanna come over and help?"
"As if." Misato crossed her arms. "I don't like getting my hands dirty."
"Suit yourself. When you're trying not to die, you need all the reasons in the world to keep living, This little pasture is mine."
He stopped digging, planting the shovel to the ground. As Kaji wiped the sweat from his face, the group heard a set of running footsteps their way.
"Kajiiiiiii~ I managed to finish planting the seeds off in-"
Asuka stopped as she saw Shinji and Misato. She narrowed her eyes, wiping the dirt on her gloves from her green apron.
"Oh. It's you two."
Shinji glared at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothin'. I just get tired of seeing your stupid faces every day." Asuka rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Get lost. You're ruining the few precious moments I have with Kaji."
Sufficiently worked up, Shinji rolled up his sleeves. "I wasn't going to, but now that you said it…"
"Ha! You can't be serious." Asuka looked him over. "You're shrimp. Probably haven't worked a day in your life."
"I don't see any muscles on you either."
"Training! Unless your crying magically grows the watermelons for us you should just leave it to professionals."
"I can do more than cry!"
"Please, you always get hurt in the Eva can you even hold a shovel?!"
"I'll show you. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now!"
Shinji reached for the shovel Kaji had before. He lifted it from the ground, his arms immediately wobbling from the unexpected weight. His legs nearly gave way before Kaji grabbed the shovel, laughing at Shinji's predicament.
"Sorry, but this one is for adults. If you want to help, I'm gonna have to give you something easier."
Kaji reached into the toolbox, handing Shinji a pair of gloves and a small hand shovel.
"You better get going. Asuka's already way ahead of you, she'll show you what to do."
Shinji patted himself on the back for only giving the man a passing frown before joining Asuka further into the fields. Kaji whistled in their direction.
"There goes the kids. How time flies." He then turned his attention back to Misato, smirking. "How about you, beautiful? Heard you've been avoiding everyone lately. Spending hours in the bar or at the office.
Misato shook her head.
"You're the last person I want to talk to. See you around."
She turned around and began to leave. Kaji raised an eyebrow at this, taking out a cigarette from his pocket.
"You're not gonna wait for Shinji? I thought you two were glued together."
Not a glance spared, Misato kept walking. She even began a small sprint, an act Kaji found puzzling. Something about Shinji had her worked up, but it's clear she wasn't going to tell him. His prediction called for her anxiety to act up and be overprotective of Shinji. That had been the case for weeks, before suddenly she began avoiding him. He was wrong again, taking out the match to light the cigarette.
"Seems to be happening a lot these days." Kaji puffed a trail of smoke. "That kid…"
If it weren't for him and Asuka, Adam would have been neutralized as a threat to humanity. Talk about wrong place at the wrong time. There was so much he had to know, so much to uncover. It was easy to get lost in the treasure trove of information he had gracefully been given to the keys to, but Kaji knew better than to jump the gun. The demands of his work meant he had to pace himself properly.
After a minute, Kaji grabbed the shovel from the ground and walked over to the children. They arguing about the best place to plant the melon seeds he had previously given Asuka. Thankfully they weren't knocking down the manure and fertilizer bags around them.
"I'm just saying, this is a nice spot near the trees so I feel like this would be better."
"Says the idiot who never farmed before! You put the seeds where the sun's brightest so they could be ripe for the taking."
"Kids." Kaji interrupted, unapologetic and unsympathetic to their whining. "I'll explain exactly what you need to do. You've been doing it wrong too, Asuka. You dug too much."
Asuka looked sheepish when she glanced at the ginormous holes she dug through.
"Well, erm, I wanted to be really thorough."
Kaji clapped his hands, calling attention to himself. Shinji and Asuka watched as he grabbed one of the manure bags near a bush, kneeled to the ground and brought out a small hand shovel.
"Okay, so it's important to prepare the soil first. Dig the grass out using one of these, give it a depth of 8-12 inches. Add this bag of manure to enrich the soil with nutrients."
He showed the kids his method, nodding his head in encouragement. Asuka kneeled near Kaji, taking her hand shovel and digging in rather easily. For his part. Shinji barely made a dent before he panted heavily.
"This is… ha… this is harder than I thought."
"Haha, I told you so." Asuka stuck out her tongue. "Looks the invincible Shinji is in reality a zero!"
"Shut up!"
"Enough kids. Repeat after me." Kaji brought out a smaller bag from the tool box. "Dig small holes about 1 inch deep and place 2-3 seeds in each of them. Make sure to space the holes about 2-3 feet apart so the vines don't get caught in each other."
They did so. Kaji had noticed how Asuka placed about five seeds on her end, but decided not to tell her. She'd realize her mistake soon enough in the coming month. Shinji, despite complaining throughout the process, did his job and planted the appropriate amount. It would piss off Asuka something fierce once she realized Shinji did something better than her again, which Kaji couldn't wait to see. He thought of Misato again.
"A shame Misa-chan isn't here. I'm just imagining that shirt riding up her bellybutton, covered in grime. Aaahhhh, that would have been fun to see."
Shinji gave Kaji a none-too-subtle judgmental stare, before replying: "She'd never do something like that with you. She doesn't like you."
"Completely agreed! That's why I love teasing her. You should try it, I bet she's thrown you off course many times."
"That she does." Shinji couldn't disagree. "Let's keep focus, okay?"
"Good. I just don't wanna hear Misato's name around here, she left us!"
"Sure, Asuka. Now we should water the soil. Make sure it's moist but not too soggy that it ruins the melons. After that, use fertilizers to ensure it's successful."
They followed Kaji's instructions to the letter. Once they finished using the fertilizers, Kaji explained the final step as such:
"It usually takes around 90 days for them to grow. Then again, with the miracle of the Geo-Front who knows how soon it will be? The best roots take root here. Stick with me and find out if it stays true."
Shinji wondered if he could wait three months for melons.
"Misato… you have five seconds to explain WHY WE ARE NAKED! Is everyone behind that wall a filthy pervert?!"
She was loud, but Shinji had to agree with Asuka. They had done these sync tests before with their plugsuits on. He had no idea why they were suddenly asked to strip for them. Ayanami may be used to it, but he wasn't and neither was Asuka. Even with the walls dividing the three pilots it was uncomfortable to walk around in the nude where the scientists could presumably see them.
Fortunately, Misato's voice came through the speakers to explain the situation.
"We're collecting data for the Dummy Plug system, something Ritsuko tells me has been far behind schedule, To get the data necessary, you'll need to enter special simulation plugs naked. Don't worry about any perverts. We've taken precautions so no one takes a look anywhere below the waist."
At times, Shinji admired Misato's professionalism in these settings. She didn't try to tease or flirt with him while at work. Normally he appreciated that as he didn't want to be distracted. It had been some time since she got any comment out of her however. Shinji wanted to hear her say something to him.
"Thank you for that, Misato." He said. "It's nice you're keeping us in mind."
"No problem, Shinji. You're doing a good job."
Politeness. That was about as much as he was going to get from her today. He breathed out.
"Okay…"
He looked straight ahead, trying to avoid looking at Asuka. He didn't want her calling him a pervert for the billionth time after all.
"Alright kids, time to-" Misato gasped. "AH! KAJI!"
Shinji's eyes widened. Her gasp sent alarm bells in his head, his attention to the window to see Kaji's arms around Misato's waist. Kaji was laughing even though Dr. Akagi and the other technicians were glaring at him.
"Sorry Misa-chan, you were looking so fine today I had to surprise you."
"Get off me!" Misato pushed the man off of her. "Why are you even here?!"
"Just checking in on everyone. As the UN Inspector it's within my right."
"I'll show you what's within your right, you lousy no good son of a-!"
Ritsuko took the microphone away from Misato, who was busy trying to pummel Kaji to death. Ritsuko's eye twitched in frustration.
"Children, please proceed to the plugs." She said. "We'll deal with this annoyance in the mean time."
The microphone cut off then. Asuka rolled her eyes.
"Weirdoes. How come we act older than the adults?"
She turned her head, only to find Shinji glaring at the window. It wasn't one of his annoyed glances or frustrated frowns, it was a furious scowl, a look of hatred that Asuka scarcely remembered seeing on his face. She was put off immensely, so she tried to get his attention.
"Hey, idiot! Whacha thinking?"
Suddenly, the look was gone. Shinji yelped in sheepish surprise. Asuka preferred it that way. At least he wasn't giving her the creeps.
"Um, uh, sorry. I had… something on my mind."
"I'm sure you do." Asuka said. "Protective of your precious Misato are you~?"
"I… well…" Shinji just swallowed his pride and nodded. "I don't like Mr. Kaji with Misato. I don't think she likes him."
Jealousy. Something else too. Asuka wasn't sure she liked it. It was a good thing for Shinji then that she agreed with him.
"You and me both. He could do better than her, honestly."
Shinji raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, she could."
"Says you." Asuka crossed her arms. "She's all over you."
"I wish."
Just those two words say it, don't they? Asuka thought with a sense of pity and understanding.
"This is going to be embarrassing for me!" She said in distaste. "Just the thought of being naked inside this thing, even for my precious Eva… it feels sick! Utterly sick!"
"You and me both."
No more was spoken between them. The three pilots entered the simulation plugs. For Shinji, the sensation of the LCL with his body felt invasive, terrible. Even in the first day he came here with the school uniform, he at least had some protection. There was no layer of separation, nothing to distract Shinji from the emptiness of the plug. The empty feeling he was experiencing himself.
He couldn't run away from this, not like how Misato kept her distance from him.
His eyes widened.
"… Is she… running away…?"
The idea of Misato running away should have sounded silly to his ears, but it made the most sense to Shinji. He liked to avoid pain as much as possible, which made him wonder if Misato was doing the same thing to him. Why would she do that, though? Did Misato have a problem that she didn't want him to know? Did his attempt at affection make her distrust him somehow? Shinji remembered her explaining how she hurt Kaji just to keep him away. Was this the same treatment?
He hated this feeling. He didn't want to be treated like Kaji. Kaji was… Shinji didn't want to hate him, but he hurt Misato. He didn't want to be responsible for Misato's suffering. He wanted to reach out to her.
He wanted her, his thoughts whispered into his mind. Shinji tried and failed to banish them again. With nothing else in the plug, the dreams came back to him to haunt him anew.
She couldn't be a mother, that he knew. Misato was too much like himself to fulfill that role. But to not have anything with her felt worse than nothing…
He should never have come here. He should have left the city when he had the chance.
His thoughts stayed that way throughout the sync test and even when it ended without a hint of trouble.
Two weeks passed. Shinji couldn't say he enjoyed farming but he was pleased with the results of his labor.
It was hard work maintaining the soil so the seeds could grow naturally. He watered the plants and waited for the sun to do its job. Sometimes Asuka would help watch over them. Other times, she would disappear to somewhere else. She was particularly annoyed when she found her seeds didn't grow properly. Kaji laughed at her expense, something Shinji couldn't help but join in. Kaji made it a point of singling him as an example of how to farm correctly, something Shinji very much did not enjoy.
He didn't want to get too comfortable with Kaji. He only reminded Shinji of the ways he was failing right now, with Misato and himself. Shinji was on the same level as Kaji according to Misato, and he hated the thought of that.
A watermelon was beginning to pop from the ground. Shinji's own watermelons, away from Kaji's own garden. Poking at it with a finger, Shinji felt a sense of pride form in him.
"You can tell if a watermelon is ripe by looking at its color, texture, and sound when tapped. Ripe watermelons have a dull skin color, and a rough texture on the rind, and make a hollow sound when tapped."
Kaji had been right, Shinji thought in awe. Hollow. The green was a flatter color than the grass around the melon. Clearly he had been doing his job correctly.
"I still have to wait." Shinji sighed. "I want to see it grow."
"So does everyone."
Startled, Shinji jumped from his seat and fell over. He frowned as soon as he saw Kaji standing there, smirking.
"Pretty good feeling isn't it? Knowing you made this with your hands."
"… Yeah." Shinji admitted. "I don't like the work, but the end result is nice."
"The result isn't worth it if you don't work for it." Kaji looked to the sun. "Even God retired on the seventh day after making us. Or so I heard."
If there was a god, Shinji wished he could punch him in the face. Or make him recall the Angels. Or take away his conflicted feelings. Kill him on the spot, leave him non-existent. Kaji put his hands inside his pockets.
"So, how's the happy couple coming along? You still not talking?"
To tell him or not? Shinji didn't actually want to confess a single thing to one of the sources of his insecurities. However, with no one to turn to, he just decided to shake his head.
"No. We're just polite to each other, but there's nothing there. She's disappeared more and more."
"I know what you mean. She's done the same to me. I guess people really can't understand others completely."
Shinji kept his mouth shut. Kaji continued:
"Who knows if you can even understand yourself? Understanding each other one hundred percent is impossible. Of course, that's why we spend so much time trying to understand ourselves and others. It's what makes life so interesting."
"… Was that also true for you and Misato?"
"The word we use for she is Kanojo. It literally means the woman far away. To us, women will always be on the distant shore. There's a river dividing men and women, deeper and wider than the ocean."
"I don't understand."
Kaji laughed. "I suppose it would be hard for a kid like you to understand."
The condescension in Kaji's tone got on Shinji's nerves.
"If you try to swim close, you'll inevitably be disappointed. Relationships are about using and being used. Intimacy… I've only experienced it once. I don't think it'll ever happen again."
"… So you don't want to get closer to Misato."
"Even if I wanted to, I know it's impossible. She wouldn't understand me anymore than I'd understand her. I'd rather have her hate me than lose her forever."
"…"
Was this what he would be reduced to, in the end? Pining for someone who would never reciprocate? Shinji imagined doing the same sort of thing with his father once upon a time. Was this Misato's affect on the men around her? Was his understanding of her wrong then?
"Well, you're done for the day." Kaji turned around. "I'm gonna check on my own slice of heaven."
Shinji paid attention to Kaji while he went to his watermelon patch. Sure enough, Shinji could see Kaji was fiddling with his melons. Tapping them, checking on their ripe form… he pulled something from the ground. A small pen drive Shinji had never seen Kaji holding before.
"Hey Third!"
Asuka ran up to him. Shinji turned his attention toward her. For a second, he thought Asuka as staring at him oddly before she turned away.
"If you're done with Kaji, just move along. You're so annoying."
Well, Kaji was right about one thing. Shinji would never one hundred percent understand Asuka. He shrugged.
"Okay."
If farming was a chore, waiting on a bench for hours was agonizing.
Due to standing orders not to leave the Geo-Front, laundry had to be taken and delivered back to base through proxies. Makoto Hyuuga volunteered to take his and Misato's laundry and bring it back, leaving Shinji to to wait a floor up until he came back. The bench was cozy at least.
Sync tests and farming largely ate up his time, when he wasn't in his room. Unfortunately, since Misato was busy going over the paperwork he was stuck having to wait another hour before Hyuuga arrived. Without much in the way of options, Shinji decided tuning out the world was a good idea. He put on his earphones and plugged into his SDAT player.
"Which song this time…" Shinji asked even though he always picked the same ones. "Of course. This should do."
Track 26 this time. 25 hurt him too much.
He usually switched between Tracks 25 and 26 more than the others in the playlist, despite being the one who put it all together. Occasionally he would play out the entire list but always went back to those two. He could never quite listen to the other songs on their own, treating them more like noise as to stimulate to his ears, allowing him to tune out his increasingly conflicting thoughts. It wasn't that he hated them. It just wasn't what he picked the songs for.
You Are The Only One and Blue Legend, they caught his interest. The first one in particular was becoming a painful memory, making Shinji think of Misato singing it badly on the train. They never did get to ride that train again, nor did he hear her sing. He wished to relive that moment, even settling for pretending the voice on the SDAT player was Misato. She was… everything…
Shinji clutched his chest. Even the thought of her was driving him crazy. It hurt so much, and he was wondering when she'd ever go back to treating him like he existed.
As his thoughts became darker, he happened to glance at a couple of technicians pointing at him. Shinji removed his earphones.
"… crap he spotted us."
"Shit!"
"Don't worry, he's just staring. A kid like him wouldn't do anything to us."
"Isn't he a pilot though?"
"A pilot ain't shit outside of those cocoons."
Shinji frowned. He turned his head to the side, but pointedly did not put his earphones back on. He listened in on their conversation.
"What a creepy lil shit. Are any of the pilots normal?"
"They're made to fight the Angels."
"You'd think the boy would be normal, but he only ever hangs around the broad with purple hair."
"You mean Katsuragi? She's a genius honestly."
"Yeah, and a fine piece of ass. How does she walk around with those legs out? She's doing it on purpose, trying to make us horny."
"That's the feeling I get. She's probably a needy woman. Think I got a chance with her?"
"Not a one, not a one."
"She needs to stop hanging around that boy so I can show her a real man."
Shinji tightened his grip on the SDAT player.
"If I were that stupid brat, I woudn't keep my paws off of her."
"If you were the kid, she wouldn't ever go for you."
"Shit you're right. Maybe if I was more like that Kaji guy. She probably likes that idiot's flirting."
"You don't like him?"
"Nah. He's a spook. I've seen him strike out with the ladies and taking away documents. Something's up."
"I doubt the UN Inspector would be that obvious."
"Maybe, maybe not. Not like it matters anyway. Him and us, we're better than this whiny brat."
At hearing them laugh, Shinji got up from his bench and walked off. He went back to listening to his SDAT player, tuning up the volume so he wouldn't have to hear another word about Misato.
Misato, Misato, Misato… any time he was on base, he can't do anything other than think of her. He wanted a distraction from his pain. Nothing was working.
"Maybe I can get something for myself… like a soda or coffee…"
He turned the hall toward the vending machines. Surely there would be a snack or a drink he could take for the night.
Instead, he found a rather unpleasant sight.
Kaji was there, because of course he would be. He wasn't alone however, getting rather personal with another technician. Shinji recognized her as Maya Ibuki, one of the the bridge crew members who watched over his piloting. Judging from their positions, Kaji was trying to get into her pants.
Shinji didn't need to listen in on them. Not with the way Kaji placed his arm over Maya's shoulder, trapping her against the wall. Not with the way Kaji leaned in, his hand aiming for her chest covered by the folders around her arms. Not with the faint blush on Maya's face, leading Shinji to believe some part of her was interested if she didn't fight back.
Seeing them was enough. Shinji stormed off in a huff, preferring to head downstairs rather than watch Kaji act like he always did with everyone. He wasn't an honest person.
He hurt Misato without even thinking. Shinji would never let himself end up like Kaji.
The sun rose on a bright morning.
Kaji stepped into the Geo-Front, walking toward his watermelon patch. He wanted to get the usual done early, so he can go back to his work. Maya had been largely unhelpful, clearly having learned her lesson from last time and stomped his foot to get away. He would have to sucker some other intern to access the data files he needs to break into the MAGI. For that, he would need his pen drive. He had to go to his friend's wedding later anyway, so he might as well not take any chances.
"It should still be there. No one's noticed it so far… NO!"
Kaji gasped in shock. The watermelons he had carefully crafted for months had been destroyed. They were utterly smashed to pieces, red juices spilling over the grass and tainting the habitat. His own shovel was buried deep into the largest watermelon, the one he had been using to store his private information.
In his panic, Kaji ran toward that watermelon. It was the first one he grew here, adding further insult to his wounded pride. He ran his fingers through the destroyed remains of the melon only to find…
"Absolutely nothing." He grasped his mouth. "Oh my god."
His pen drive, his main storage device for the information he had been uncovering, was crushed to a million pieces. He had back up drives, but the loss was a major setback in his operations. Months of work down the drain. He might have to start over from scratch, risking himself being compromised after having already run afoul of Gendo and the Committee. Kaji knew his clock was ticking down. He sighed.
"Worst part is, I know exactly who did it. I guess these months meant nothing to him."
He would have a talk with Shinji later. Right now, he needed time for himself.
"Mmmmmm. Delicious as usual, Shinji…"
Shinji kept his eyes on Misato. He made her favorite again, hoping she would be distracted by the food. It was successful, as she was so dazed waking up that the moment she sensed breakfast she just was practically gobbling it whole.
"… Mmmmmmm, so good…"
In the middle of her feast, Misato took a glance at Shinji. His hair and clothes were wet, probably from having just taken a shower. She saw him mopping the floor, clearing it of dirt tracks littered along the floor. She was shocked at the sight.
"Shinji, where were you just now? You got the carpet dirty and everything!"
He sheepishly smiled at Misato.
"Sorry, Miss Misato. I forgot my things at the Geo-Front so I hurried to get them back. I'm cleaning everything right now."
"Thanks." She remembered what she was going to say just then. "Hey Shinji."
"Yeah?"
"I'm going to be out today."
"Don't you do that already?"
"Yeah, but this time it's important." Misato frowned. "My friends are getting married and I've been invited to attend. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"
"That's fine." Shinji grimaced. "I'm used to being alone anyway."
Misato frowned at that. Shinji didn't like how satisfying it felt to see that. He hoped it stung, even as he had to stop himself from apologizing. He waited for her to continue.
"Well, I was just wondering since… Today is the anniversary of your mom's death. I was worried you might be sad."
Shinji blinked. He had completely forgotten about it. Misato remembered, probably from a file she read, which made him feel guilty for his earlier satisfaction.
"I did forget…" He said. "I haven't been to her grave in years. I might as well go. Not early, I'd rather do it when father isn't around."
Misato nodded. She understood completely.
"I can come with you if you'd like." She offered. "You don't have to go it alone."
"No, no, I think you should go." Shinji said, cursing himself for even saying it. "You should see your friends."
He felt her hand touch his face before he could slink back to his room. He froze as she kissed his cheek, which felt made his heart flutter.
"… I'll make it up to you." Misato's smile melted his heart. "I promise, I won't let my cute lil' Shinji down."
She even used his nickname. Shinji hoped she wasn't lying.
Half an hour later, Misato finished her food and began to get dressed. Shinji didn't wait for her to finish. Immediately, he went to his room and slipped under the covers.
'Hmph. I hope Kaji liked his gift.'
He had to sneak out late when he knew Misato was asleep. From there, all he needed to do was grab a shovel to smash the watermelons. He was a kid, he couldn't take Kaji in a fight or an argument. This was all he could do. His job was done, so he allowed himself to pass out from exhaustion.
…
He came to. Shinji checked the time.
2:30 PM. He sighed.
"I missed her leaving."
As he left the bed and entered the kitchen, his suspicions were confirmed. There was a small piece of paper left in the kitchen table, one he took a look at.
My room is a bit dirty. Could you fix it up?
- Misa-chan!
"Figures. She leaves all the work to me."
He was giving himself false hope. She was just using him, Shinji decided. Her cheerful veneer was a lie. The intimacy he craved was never going to happen again. He should just accept it and move on.
Shinji quietly went to her room to do as she asked. It was messy as usual, beer cans, shirts and panties spread over the floor and her futon. Shinji sighed, carefully arranging her clothes back in their respective drawers. He went and found himself a trash bag to collect the cans. As he managed to clear out most of the room, he found one more item just lying around…
Panties. A pair of pink panties with an odd smell to them. Shinji didn't look away when he saw it.
"Are they…?"
They had to be Misato's. No one used this room but her and himself.
Shinji recalled Kaji's words, the endless river dividing men and women, one that could never be bridged.
Well. If it was impossible, then what he would do was okay. Why not? It wasn't like she was here to stop him.
He kneeled down to grab the panties. He sniffed them, realizing they smelled like her. Shinji took them and ran to his room. If Misato hadn't wanted them to be used, she shouldn't have let him near them. She was just using him, and ran away when actual feelings were involved. Why shouldn't he use these then? At least he'd find something of hers to comfort him.
He pulled out the photo from his bag. The first thing he had of her, arrows pointing directly at her breasts. Was she thinking of using him then too? Was that why she tempted him with this picture, hoping to entice him into piloting?! Did Father know about this side of her?!
"Hrrrnnnn… hmmmmrrr…"
He swarmed himself in thoughts of the previous months. Misato teasing and flirting with him, littering his cheeks with kisses, her devilish smiles, her yellow tank top, her near naked body at the hot springs. He remembered their first kiss, how glorious it felt in hindsight. He didn't even need to imagine how good her lips would feel.
"None of that now. When you're with me, I don't feel alone."
Best of all was that first night when she came over to him in nothing but a towel. She meant to comfort him as a guardian. Instead, she just showed off her body to him.
"Nothing I say can convey how proud of you I am for stepping up. For staying with me. I promise, even if I can't get you out of here I'll do everything I can to protect you."
"Just… hang in there, okay?"
He opened his eyes. His hand, along with the panties, was covered in semen.
As soon as the salty smell assaulted his nostrils, Shinji was consumed by an overwhelming, horrible shame. Every part of his body burned in disgust over this betrayal. He had used Misato, the one person who cared about him, loved him, in such a dirty, disgusting fashion, and he had no one to blame but himself. Brought lower than he ever felt before, Shinji could only say one thing.
"I'm so fucked up."
Author's Notes:
Was going to have more in depth thoughts, but honestly I wanted to get the chapter done immediately whuke I had the chance. So here you go. I'll probably look over this later and try to fix it up.
Originally this chapter was going to start with the masturbation scene. Thankfully, I realized that it was probably a bad move to start off with that so I split the chapter to provide proper context. Besides, it was a good opportunity to see a bit of rivalry between Shinji and Kaji. They were polite in canon, but a relationship with Misato in the mix would probably poison that a. little.
Next time, we're probably going to take a visit to Yui's grave and a little something else too.
Reviews:
engel17white: You have no fucking idea.
Volter: I mean, yeah? I can't tell if this is a joke or a sarcastic complaint.
Victor Nova 12: Thanks a ton for checking this out!
Acolyte Horus: Thanks! I'm doing fine, just needed to recharge my batteries after New Years and trying to translate a Japanese MisaShin story I put up on this site. ("GOD IS IN HIS HEAVEN, ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD," it's a fic that takes place after Thrice Upon a Time's ending.)
QUICKM33MZ2005: I am… surprised there are people who'd make a Gendo/Misato fic and I'm not sure if I want to know more or not. Keeping that detail about Kaworu in mind for later…