Disclaimer: Don't own PJO or the Whiskered Warrior.

Lunar Phases

Thunder God

Fatherhood.

A point in life where the grown male must raise their offspring. Animals have instincts that often guide them through the process, but humanity has evolved past that. There is no way to emotionally prepare for the challenge. It is the most taxing, yet most rewarding, time in a man's life. For a god, it's just something that happens, a way to ensure they remain relevant and a method to pass the time.

November 28th, 2008

"Why did I come out here?" Naruto grumbled as he walked through the blizzard that was assaulting New York. He regretted not grabbing his jacket on the way out. He regretted going out in the first place. He regretted losing his cool like that. Why did he lose it with those thoughts? Cripes, Thalia had been physically aggressive to him the day before and he didn't lose it. He'd come close though. His head throbbed. He pinched the bridge of his nose and stopped walking.

"Dammit. What is wrong with me?"

You're a mortal raised by a goddess. The Fox grumbled suddenly. You were brought up on ideals you have no chance of meeting. You are at war with your own nature.

"What do you mean?"

You're a mortal, Boy. The Fox sighed. Something seemed off, but Naruto couldn't put his finger on it. The Fox continued when he remained silent. You are not eternal, you do not thrive off of devotion. Eventually, you will die. Your biology is screaming at you to leave your mark on the world.

"Not happening." He snorted and crossed his arms. He winced, the throb in his head had turned into a pounding. He did his best to ignore it. "First of all, I don't need to leave my mark on the world. It's just hormones. I'll grow out of it. Secondly, even if I did, Mom would–"

Oh, grow up! The Fox snarled. It huffed. Brat, your "mother" is an immortal hypocrite! The Chaste Huntress, able to kill any creature, but if that's the case then how does her prey revitalize itself? Whims of the goddess, do you think she'd actually risk altering too much of reality?

"That-What? That's not–"

Do you think she actually cares about you? The Fox sneered, it's voice echoed by a faint second that slowly became clearer. Upon the day of your death, she may grieve, but she will ultimately forget you existed!

"She won't." Naruto grit his teeth and clenched his hands into fists to bite down the hot flash of anger at the insinuation. The Fox could be an ass at times, but it never took potshots at the relationship he had with his mother. The pounding on his head turned into a tightening clasp, as if a heavy pressure built inside his skull.

Please, Brat, spare me your delusions! Look at the situation she's in now! Enemies she and her kin forgot are returning in droves!

"Shut up."

You know it to be true! It's why you refused her aide! Subconsciously, you desire to prove yourself worthy of her memory!

"Dammit, Fox—!" The pressure was becoming unbearable, as if someone was trying to squeeze his head like a grape. Naruto clasped his hands around his head and closed his eyes, before he dropped to his knees. "Shut up!"

You're afraid to become the very thing she despises! Yet you are doomed to fulfill your destiny as a mortal man! The Fox's voice had softened. It shifted from a gravelly baritone to a more sinister, smoky soprano. The new speaker chuckled. That's why you don't shy away from the other pantheons. You hope one of them will give you what you want. Immortality, at no fuss. You'd sell your soul thrice over without knowing its actual worth!

The blizzard had picked up but the storm parted around him. A large dome had formed, blocking the snowfall. Something crunched in the snow nearby. His right hand cradled his aching skull while with his left, he drew his axe from where it rested on his ear. He looked through a squinted eye at the shape that approached him. It was humanoid, clad in dark colors and a cloak of white with the hood pulled over their head.

Fret not, Brat. The Voice cooed. Arashi won't hurt you too much.

"I don't know...who you are...but get out...of my head!" Naruto ground out in sharp breaths. The pressure tightened like a vice grip and he almost dropped his axe. Something grabbed the piercing above his left eye, and before he could react, it was torn out. He swallowed the involuntary scream as blood rushed down the side of his face, and blindly lashed out. His assailant grunted and stumbled back, the axe now embedded in their leg, before it was pulled from his hand and tossed aside.

That same leg lashed out and nailed him in the jaw, knocking him back into the snow. Naruto tried to ignore the pain in his head and rolled over in an attempt to rise back to his feet. Something stabbed into his right shoulder, causing him to cry out and drop to the sidewalk once more.

That wasn't very nice. The Voice chided. But it's to be expected, after all, Arashi is–

Boy! Boy, hear me! The Fox's voice was almost a whisper, but it sounded like it was yelling. Do not let him touch you! Whatever you do! Don't let him touch y–!

Quiet you. The Fox's roar echoed faintly into nonexistence. The Voice grumbled. You should've been put down decades ago. Clearly, the Huntress' skill in culling dangerous game has waned over the years. No matter, I have the means of dealing with your sort. Arashi, you may tag him now.

Naruto grit his teeth and tried to rise once more. The sharp crescent-shaped blade of his axe was buried deep into his lower back — that elicited a scream — and a hand wrapped around his neck from behind. He was wracked with more pain as foreign energy, magic, something etched an image into his skin. When the process finished, Naruto flopped stomach first into the snow and huffed out shallow breaths.

Done resisting? The Voice asked, almost amused.

Naruto grit his teeth and growled. He would not submit to whatever vile entity was attempting to perverse his mind. His left arm swung up and attempted to pull his body along the slick ground, his nails dug into the concrete beneath the snow. He couldn't feel his legs because of his severed spinal cord. His right arm was numb. Some sort of energy was attempting to freeze him from the inside out. The Fox would've likely taken care of all of this if it could have, but he couldn't feel it, let alone hear it.

I was hoping you'd still have some fight in you. The Voice chuckled. Their next words made Naruto's mind stall: Arashi, grab your son and bring him home.

Son?

That meant his assailant was—

A hand grabbed onto the back of his head, the assailant tugged his hair to haul him up to his knees. He was hefted with a grunt over Arashi's shoulder. Blurry blue eyes peered down at the hem of the white cloak, where red flames danced and Japanese characters fell down the middle of the back.

"Hiraishin."

Naruto saw a flash of yellow before everything turned black.

"Eros did what?!"

Ares was normally not one to be too upset by his kids' actions. They wanted to pick fights? Let 'em. The tougher winners would prove his might in their deeds. The stronger losers would be driven to fight harder lest he come down to remind them who's kid they were. The ones that lost and didn't walk away? They clearly picked the wrong fight.

Eros was usually in one of the first two categories.

After all, the brat had managed to beat the Glowstick, something the god of war had difficulty doing (because of outside interference), until he didn't. The first time the two archers had clashed over some tree girl, he agreed to protect the brat. The second time? Nah, he didn't do squat. Ares had actually laughed when that little momma's boy got dragged across the sky by a golden chariot and a tethered arrow in his leg.

When Eros and Aphrodite clashed over that hot chick back in the day? Ares washed his hands of the matter. There was a war due in Sparta that year and he wasn't missing out. Both eventually got their ways, and Ares got a hot new daughter-in-law to ogle. Wins all around.

So, hearing the four words that came out of his girl's mouth as he did…needless to say, Ares' short fuse got lit real fast.

"Eros betrayed Olympus." Athena repeated. His headache of a sister pursed her lips. "That's…rather unfortunate."

"Unfortunate?" The Old Lady repeated dubiously. "Athena. Eros may be a minor god, but his powers—!"

"Could sway others under him." Poseidon finished abruptly. He stroked his beard, green eyes narrowed. "This is concerning, but makes sense. I have noticed some of my kingdom failing to answer me…"

"Trouble at home, Brother?" Zeus sneered.

"Well, not all of us can have such vast and empty kingdoms." Poseidon shot back with a smirk. Zeus' eyes narrowed.

"Perhaps we should shelve such conversations with the demigod present." The Old Lady directed a sneer down at Thalia Grace. Ares eyed the girl and approved of the defiant glare that she sent back at the Queen.

"Yes. Aphrodite, you haven't yet explained why you brought my demigod to Olympus." Zeus directed the question at Ares' Girl. Aphrodite crossed her arms.

"Well, Zeus," she said. "Given you're not one to take another Olympian's word at face value, I thought it best to bring her along as evidence."

"…You brought me as evidence?! What does that ev—No. No-no-no-no-no! Don't you dare!" Thalia Grace took several steps back as her eyes widened. Ah, Ares knew that look. That's the look of someone who had a secret they wanted to keep. That's about when Zeus started torturing them. How would he do it this time? Lightning might not work. Suffocation? He hadn't seen Zeus suffocate someone since 1977.

"I do apologize, Thalia." Dang, was Aphrodite ever hotter than when she lied to a mortal? Mm, he was gonna have to visit her temple later. "I'll have to show them those succulent and detailed images you shared with me."

"Aphrodite, please!" Ooh, the demigoddess brought out the 'p' word. That meant whatever it was in her noggin was extra juicy! "You can't just tell them he put memories in my head? Or that he attacked me? Or-or cast a spell on me, or something?!"

"Thalia Grace, cease this pleading at once." Zeus harrumphed. She looked at him and paled to be as white as a sheet. Ares needed that kind of clout with his kids. Ugh, the amount of brats that talked back to him were way too flippin high! Zeus leaned forward in his throne, just by a millimeter. "If it is just memories or thoughts, I assure you, the projection of them will not hurt."

"N-no, it's not…Can't you just take her word for it?" Huh, was she always that red or—Oh. Oh!

Despite himself, Ares started to laugh.

"Oh, no!" He chuckled out. He grinned ferally at the half-blood. "No, no! If this is what I think it is, we gotta see it!"

"With all due respect, Lord Ares, shut up!" Her eyes looked ready to erupt with sparks. Gah, the balls on this one! He'd be impressed if he weren't laughing so damn hard at her face. Thalia Grace had turned back to Zeus and all but dropped to her knees. "Please...Father."

Zeus hesitated. Tch, the old man was such a softy in regards to his little girls. …Well, Ares couldn't say he didn't understand that. Whenever what had happened to Alcippe was repeated on (or attempted by) one of his children, he indirectly dealt with the perpetrator as gruesomely as possible. Some things he just couldn't condone happening to his kids (or being done by them) without proper punishment.

"We must be sure before we declare Eros an enemy of Olympus." The Old Lady interjected. Yes! She'd sway Zeus into making the right call! Olympus, Ares loved that stuffy old bat! Best Mom ever!

"Yes, very well." Zeus sat back. He eyed his demigoddess with softer eyes - Ares almost gagged in repulsion - before holding his hand out. "It will be fast."

"Wait, don't-!" The complaint didn't come fast enough.

Oh. It was Eros' dirty work all right. Ares' amused smile turned to one of eager bloodlust. The sensations and images instilled in Thalia Grace's mind were all surrounded around her intermingling with his Challenge. Damn, some of them were actually kind of hot! It'd be ballsy for the little mortal to try anything he witnessed emerge from Thalia Grace's head, pun fully intended!

Ares recovered first and glanced at his fellow Olympians. The Crip and Sober Boy were quick to snap out of it, neither appeared to care much. Poseidon chuckled softly and leaned over to whisper to a tittering Demeter. The Half-Pint looked like he swallowed something the wrong way and Athena rubbed her temples, muttering to herself. Aphrodite was fanning her face and giving him 'The Look', and he waggled his eyebrows at her in agreement. The Old Lady had her lips pursed together while Zeus appeared, oddly enough, rather calm.

Ah, and while Thalia Grace looked like she wanted the mountain to swallow her now, it was the Twins' reactions that stole the show.

"...Good news, Sis. I found him." The Sunspot mumbled aloud. He looked like he was trying so hard not to grin and was failing miserably. His twin's eyes, however, had turned into orbs of glowing moonlight and her teeth were grinding.

"I...will mount Eros' head...On my temple's wall!" The Huntress' last words were accompanied by a slam of her fists onto the arms of her throne before she shot up to her feet. Ares knew what she was about to rush off to do, and he honestly wished he could go and watch. Sure his brat would be dead and Aphrodite might be upset about it, but it would be so worth it! Whenever either of the Twins lost their tempers, things got so bloody! The only way it was better is if they both lost it!

"Artemis, sit down." Zeus' voice didn't rise, but all the same thunder boomed. The Huntress remained standing and opened her mouth to argue. The King's eyes narrowed. "I. Said. Sit."

Slowly, while scowling at the King, she sat.

"That's...Wow!" Aphrodite smiled at the demigod, who looked back at her with nothing short of hatred. "Thalia, I knew you had such promise, but to be given such detailed visions from Eros-!"

"Aphrodite, be quiet." Zeus still spoke softly. His eyes fell on his demigod before he rose from his throne. "This meeting is over."

"Zeus," The Old Lady started. "We must discuss–"

"I have spoken!" Zeus glared at The Old Lady, who'd tried to keep the meeting on track. His eyes, crackling with the might of his domain, met all of theirs as he looked at them. "All of you. Leave. Now."

Ares scowled, but glanced at his girl across the way. Aphrodite sent him a wink back. He grinned and disappeared with a blast of explosive. Hell yeah, Artemis' brat was going to be the best investment of his immortal life!

The gods of Olympus left the Council Chambers in unique and various ways, save one. For the first time in her life, Thalia was left alone with her sire. That he towered over her by thrice her size made it extremely awkward. Then there was the whole fact he'd just exposed her twisted thoughts and hormonal dreams to the rest of Olympus.

Including Whiskers' Mom. Hm, given how angry Artemis was after seeing those visions, she might have to apologize to him for that later. Hopefully, nothing would come from it.

"You look so much like your mother."

Thalia scoffed at the comparison. She crossed her arms and lifted her chin to glare at the god of thunder.

"If you're trying to be a dad right now? Don't. I don't need one." She threw her hand behind her. "Granted, I wouldn't have minded if you tried thirty flipping seconds ago!"

"Evidently." Zeus huffed. As he descended the steps from his throne to his seat, he shrank to a normal mortal's size. Even then, he was tall. Easily six and a half feet, perhaps a bit less, and broad in the shoulders. His pinstripe suit gave off an air of control and power, and he folded his hands behind him once he was but an arms' length away. "So…Artemis' son."

"He isn't here. He's probably not even in the city anymore." Thalia huffed. She looked away from Zeus and remembered how she last saw Whiskers. The hurt that showed beneath his anger. The thought that he might disappear again, for good, made it feel like there was a vice around her chest.

A hand rested on her shoulder, instinctively Thalia jerked away.

"Don't touch me." She scowled at the King, who looked affronted with her movement. Well, tough! "You lost that right a long time ago."

Zeus' nostrils flared.

"Do not presume you can dictate how I will and will not act, Thalia Grace." He rumbled. All the same, he kept his hand at his side. The girl glared at him as he closed his eyes. "We will speak of Artemis' son and his importance to you. It can be done cordially or not."

"He's my friend." Thalia grumbled, looking away from the king as she tried to ignore the painful squeeze in her heart. "There. Conversation over. Can I go home now?"

"Child, you are petulant and trying my patience." Zeus grumbled right back. A snap of his fingers and he had a warm wool coat on. His hand fell on her shoulder and gripped it tight. "Don't. Move."

There was a loud crack, and Thalia blinked. The next second, they were in a restaurant. In a private booth. The air smelled like steamed vegetables. Her father was seated across from her, folding his coat and setting it at his side. Thalia whipped around, trying to figure out where they were.

"Where-?"

"A Wok in the Clouds. East 28th Street." Zeus answered. He raised a hand, flagging a server down. Then, to her surprise, perfect Mandarin spilled out of his mouth. The server seemed delighted and indulged who they didn't know was the King of Olympus, before scampering off. Zeus interlaced his fingers and looked at her. He arched a brow at her gape. "What?"

"You…you know Chinese?"

"I'm the Ruler of the Cosmos, Thalia Grace. It'd be rather silly if I didn't know how to speak Chinese, don't you think?"

"I just…Never expected—"

"Oh yes, because I'm me, I should be xenophobic and conservative and blah, blah blah blah." Zeus rolled his hand. He scoffed and inspected his nails. "My bad press follows me like a dog does a bone. Ridiculous."

"Well, it's not like it's unwarranted." Thalia grumbled. He glanced at her and snorted.

"Rude, but fair." Zeus looked at her fully, hands folding on the table once more. "I will not dance around the issue. Your feelings for Artemis' Son—"

"He's just a fri—"

"Do not interrupt me again." Zeus' firm interjection was accompanied by a stern glare. She glared back at him. He didn't seem impressed. "You love the boy."

Thalia felt heat soar through her face from the accusation and the vice in her chest loosened. She didn't love Whiskers— well, not like that. He was one of her closest friends, it was a platonic love at most, with maybe a sprinkling residue of her long-since overcome hormonal crush. She had to set the old man straight before he got zap happy.

"Yeah…like a brother."

Zeus arched a brow.

"I was under the impression that incest to that degree was still considered a mortal taboo."

"What, ew!" She blanched. "It is! I mean, that's-why would you even-?"

"Because I know what platonic love is, Thalia Grace. Just as I know what romantic love is." Stormy blue eyes narrowed. "And yes, before you say it, I even know what simple lust is."

"Please don't try to give me The Talk."

"Given just what images Eros implanted in your mind, I needn't worry about that, now do I?" Thalia felt her face burn. Zeus leaned across the table. "Let me be perfectly clear. You were targeted by Eros, Thalia. Eros does not attempt to play games with simple bouts of teenage lust!"

"Oh yeah, how are you so sure?!"

"Aside from the fact that I am a god of wisdom? That, as King, I must know the domains of my subordinates?" Zeus deadpanned. She snorted her disbelief and he scowled at her. "Fine. Don't take my word for it. What do I know? I'm only the King of Olympus. If you want to know how Eros works, speak with Apollo if you ever get the chance. He has volumes to say of Eros' ways."

"...Daphne..." Thalia mumbled, eyes widening as Zeus nodded. Apollo's comment to her when they met, of her being a 'pretty girl that was a pretty tree', she'd brushed it off as a casual flirt. She'd thought he was distracted by something. However, he'd been hit by one of Eros' golden arrows. But-but that was forever ago! "Wait, Apollo's a single god because–?"

"Of Eros, yes." Zeus sighed. He smiled when the food came and settled in front of them. Masterfully, he used his chopsticks to attack the dumplings and Lo Mein. Thalia was a little out of it to try anything. She almost jumped when he spoke again. "I won't lie. I hope Artemis actually follows through with her threat this time. Eros has been a pain in my neck since his illegitimate birth."

"…You know that's kind of your own fault, right?"

"You're millennia too young to challenge my authority, Thalia Grace." Zeus harrumphed around a bite of his soy-heavy meal. She almost rolled her eyes, but restrained herself. She really should have seen that coming. He gestured at the dishes in front of her. "Go on. Eat."

"I'm not big on Chinese." Thalia mumbled. Honestly, she was banking on having some of Leto's leftovers earlier before she and Whiskers had their tiff. That stuffing was going to be delicious reheated.

"Really? You should at least try the chow mein." Zeus indicated the meal with his chopsticks. He arched a brow at her and swallowed the food in his mouth. "You know, most demigods would kill to eat a meal with their godly parent."

"Most demigods are already planning to." Thalia shot back. Zeus held her stare evenly. Then he huffed, his beard twisted. Was he—Was Zeus smiling? He pointed his chopsticks at her while his shoulders jumped, before he set the utensils down and used a napkin to dab at his face.

"Rude, but fair." He reiterated around a soft chuckle. He set the cloth down and folded his hands on the table. It was cleared as if the food had never been there to begin with. "Thalia Grace, this boy, Artemis' son, he is dangerous."

"He's just my friend!" Thalia protested. She couldn't believe she was actually getting the 'Dad talk' about boys from Zeus! She'd thought Annie was exaggerating when she said it wasn't something made up on TV — Although, now that she knew otherwise, Thalia would kill to see her friend get that talk from Mr. Chase about Percy.

"If that were even remotely true we would not be having this conversation!" Zeus growled at her. His finger leveled in her direction. "You love that boy, Thalia, and it will be your downfall. He is a mortal with no concrete affiliation, connected to…Others."

"Egyptian." She ticked off one finger and then threw up the second. Her sire wasn't amused by her gesture, but she didn't care. "Norse. Wow, two whole other pantheons, so scary. Look, I get why you think that makes him dangerous, but he already told me that he's not going back to one for as long as he lives and the other can't even manifest in this world. He loves his mom! If he had to choose between Olympus, the Boston hotel, and whatever Egypt had going for it, he'd choose Olympus every time!"

"That is exactly the problem. It is not his choice: he is a mortal." The King sighed and rubbed his temples with one hand. "You misunderstand, Thalia. If I could trust him on Artemis' word alone, I would, but he has made a pact with Khonsu. That trickster of a god cannot take form on this plane. Not fully, not without a host. He is grooming the boy to be his mortal avatar. Eventually, he will claim him, and the boy you know will be no more."

"W-What?" Thalia blanched. Whiskers would, what, be erased? The thought made her stomach sink, as if it was sucked into a black hole that formed inside her. That sounded…so messed up.

"It's how the Egyptians work. Have worked." Zeus snorted. "Believe me, I'd rather it be 'had worked'."

"Artemis won't let that happen—!"

"Artemis can barely keep track of him!" Zeus scoffed. He glanced out the window on their side at the bustling snowstorm. "That girl's skills are dulling. First my Bolt, then the Ophiotaurus. She's grown too complacent, too arrogant."

"Wow, you really just said that without any sense of irony." Thalia muttered. He snapped a glare back at her. She arched a brow and dared him to disagree. The god's glare remained strong. She snorted and looked away, out the window and–

"Is that normal?" She pointed at the snow that appeared to be doming around a sidewalk not far from them.

"I'm insulted by your meager attempt to change the subject." Her sire harrumphed. "But yes, heavy snowfall is a natural event in a blizzard."

"That's not what I meant." Thalia scowled back at him. She turned and pointed at the dome again. "There. The snow is avoiding something."

"An optical illusion." Zeus dismissed, ready to say more as he glanced at the indicated spot, but went quiet and stared after a double take. The smell of ozone became thick and the air became heavy. The next second, he was out of the booth, drawing his coat.

Thalia was hot on his heels, curiosity getting the best of her. Before they stepped into the snow, she'd been clad in socks, checkered pajama pants and a Nirvana t-shirt; after she stepped out of A Wok in the Clouds, she'd been given a pair of boots, jeans, a white turtleneck sweater and a black parka. Thalia grimaced at the attire, it was as if she'd walked out of an L.L. Bean catalogue. Not that it mattered, since the snow avoided them like they had the plague. They came up to the snow-covered dome, and Zeus glared at it.

"This is...impossible." He grumbled. The sky echoed his sentiment with a boom of muffled thunder. He lifted his hand and pressed against something. Sparks filled his eyes and a scowl marred his face. "Powerful Magic? ...Hecate."

"Hecate?" Thalia repeated the name with a frown.

"Goddess of Magic. A very powerful Minor Goddess that my Brother assured me was not going to betray us. Funny, because now it seems that she'd joined the other traitorous Minor Gods." Zeus rumbled. He pushed on the barrier and his nostrils flared. Another push and something cracked. It was at the third that the dome-shape shattered and the snow plummeted to the sidewalk. He strode into the center of the previously obstructed path. His brow arched. "Curious. An abduction took place here."

"And you just know that?"

"Justice is my domain, which means I can determine crimes that have been committed by and to mortals with ease." Zeus looked at her. He glanced back down at the ground. "This space earned my attention because of Hecate's magic, but I feel it may be more important to you, Daughter, for the crime committed here."

"You gonna explain or am I going to get a whole Shakesperian monologue?" Thalia asked, mildly irked by the formal yet familiar way he addressed her. The King rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. Something shot up from the ground and was caught between his index and middle fingers. He flicked the object to her and she caught it.

It was a small silver piercing that had a sharp point on one end, like an arrowhead. It was cold and coated in dried blood. She grimaced.

"Gee. Thanks. I've always wanted an earring like this."

"Petulant child, use your head and think!" Zeus glared at her. She scowled at him and he sent his own darker one back at her. The sky thundered with his annoyance. He gestured at the ground, the freshly fallen snow whipped away by a gust of wind, revealing patches of red where more blood had been spilt. "This violent crime was hidden by Hecate's magic, which meant the Crooked One's forces had specifically targeted the victim. That item in your hand is crafted of Divine Silver and riddled with the magics of Moonlight and Motherhood. Can you think of anyone who would have body jewelry that was marked by the domains of both Artemis and her mother? Another mortal who might be so blatantly targeted by minor gods like you had been?"

"Wait, you mean–?" Thalia looked back down at the piercing in her hand. Her chest felt heavy, the vice returned but felt even tighter. Her stomach twisted and churned once more, swallowed into the sudden abyss that emerged inside her. Zeus huffed before he spoke again.

"It would appear that, for whatever reason, the Crooked One's forces have taken Artemis' Son."

Boy. Boy, wake up.

His eyes felt heavy, but they cracked open regardless. Darkness greeted him, an old friend he'd not embraced in some time. He blinked a few times and allowed his eyes to adjust to what faint light there was. Obsidian rock rose from dark mists, jade fire was contained in several strewn lanterns. He looked down.

Naruto scowled when he found that he was bound to a chair by ethereal chains. A cautious flex of his toes unveiled that the wounds acquired in New York City had been healed. His shoulder still had something buried in it, he realized with a grunt as he tried to pull his arm free from the mystic binds.

"Ah, and the guest of honor awakes." A pleasant, if insidious, timber rang in his ears.

He turned and saw a devilishly handsome man with dark hair and blue eyes seated in a throne carved from ivory. He wore a set of dark slacks, a deep crimson shirt that had the sleeves rolled up to his forearms, and a charcoal vest over it. Were it not for his snowy white wings and their surroundings, Naruto would think this man was Lucifer.

After learning of his identity, he would later wish it had been.

"Oh, don't be rude, Eros." The Voice drew his attention and he glared at the speaker. A woman with bronzed skin and a fitted black gown, gorgeous as most goddesses were, sauntered from the shadows and draped herself across the winged man's lap. Her butterfly wings flapped once before shimmering away into tattoos on her back. She turned and sat up, winding her arms around the man's neck. "Do introduce yourself. It's the manners of a good host."

"Ah, Psyche, my love, where would I be without you?" The god crooned, running his hand up her arm. His lips pressed into her jawline and she giggled. The kissing went up to her lips and then they started to ignore his presence entirely.

Naruto blanched when both began to moan nonsense into the other's mouth. Seriously? He got captured by these rocket scientists?

Ow. My pride.

Speak for yourself, Boy. I was trapped by you, imagine how I feel. The Fox grumbled. Well, at least it was nice to hear that gravelly baritone speak in snark format again.

"If you two are quite finished?" The new speaker mercifully tore Naruto's attention away from the disgusting display put on by the married immortals. He glared at the new speaker, a gothic woman that towered over them at eight or nine feet, and wore a silver and white gown. Eerie green eyes stared impassively back at him, before they turned to regard the hooded figure beside her. "Arashi, this is him, correct?"

"Yes, Lady Hecate." The hooded figure answered in monotone.

Naruto stared at the man that Psyche claimed was his father. His head and face were obscured by the hooded white cloak he wore, but his attire was...militant. Navy pants, tape and sandals covered his legs and feet, while an olive green vest was zipped over his chest. Blue sleeves were bound at the forearms by white thread. A necklace of some form hung around the collar of the vest, and there was a holster on his right thigh.

"Excellent." Hecate swept forward and sat, an extravagant seat billowing into existence from the mists. She regarded him with a smile, and he returned it with a glare. "Naruto Namikaze."

"Uzumaki." Arashi corrected. Everyone glanced at him as he continued speaking monotonously. "I lost the coin flip."

Typical. The Fox grumbled. I just can't escape you damn Uzumaki.

Relax. I don't even consider myself one.

That's why you're my favorite. Well, that and because you're stupid in a funny way.

"Naruto Uzumaki." Hecate reiterated in a clipped tone. She smiled at him again and he glared at her again. "I am Hecate, Goddess of the Mist, Magic and Crossroads."

"Pleasure." He spat and glared at his assailant, Arashi. "But I don't go by Uzumaki."

He didn't react. That was mildly annoying, ignoring him as he tried to get under his skin. Now Naruto had an idea of how Uncle Fred felt whenever he or his mother ignored him.

"Now, now, I'm sure Artemis instilled better manners in you than that." She chided him.

"Only to those who deserve it." He narrowed his eyes. His glare flicked to the hooded figure, then back. "Your lapdog paralyzed me, ripped out one of my piercings, and stabbed me through the shoulder. I'm tied to a chair in...what I can only guess is some corner of the Underworld. So, yeah, right now, I don't feel like you deserve any manners."

"Such scathing dialect! You'll break your father's heart with such petulance." The winged god to his left tisked.

"I'd break more than that if you'd give me a chance." Naruto grumbled. His eyes fell fully on the hooded figure, who again showed no outward change. Definitely a thrall of some sort. He focused back on Hecate. "Spare me the pleasantries and get to the point. Why am I here?"

"You are Artemis' child." Hecate huffed with a small smirk. "Only she would raise someone to be so blunt and uncouth."

"He is quite a rude boy, isn't he? And to think, my mother had such hopes for him." Eros chimed in. Naruto scowled over at him and he smirked back. "Oh, what's with the face? Didn't you like your walk? Cold enough? Or were you too hot and bothered to notice?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Naruto asked, eyes narrowing.

"Oh come, for all your simple-mindedness you're no dullard." Eros twirled a golden arrow in his hand, and it slowly turned black. "Did you really think that argument sprouted from nothing? I hadn't even needed to shoot either of you with anything, just amplify a few of the right pheromones in the room you were in, give a little mental nudge to Zeus' brat and…"

"So, what? You told her I'd rape her?"

"Of course not! As if she would ever fear such a thing from you. You're so emotionally stunted it's a miracle you're functioning as well as you are. Besides, I'd not have been discovered so easily if I gave her a rape fantasy for her to figure out. " Eros scoffed. He smirked. "No, boy, I showed her how efficiently you'd love her. Your 'Tree Girl' got all flustered and you, as I expected you would, misread her reaction. Bravo, Whiskers. You'd make your dullard of a mother so proud."

Eros manipulated them. Played them like a fiddle. Red obscured Naruto's vision and he felt his blood boil.

"I'll kill you, you glorified bast–!" His jaw snapped shut by otherworldly force and the pressure in his head returned tenfold. His eyes flicked to the other goddess present, whose hand was extended towards him.

"Brat, please don't embarrass yourself further." Psyche huffed. She rested her head against her husband's and pouted at him. "Darling, must we suffer this insolent child? Surely we could do something more worthwhile with our time."

"Oh, but dearest, look at what we have!" Eros gestured towards him. "The beloved 'Lil Nephew' of that buffoon Apollo. The Hunter of Lycaon. The Mortal without a String—"

"Eros, do you mind?" Hecate glanced at him. The God of Love shrugged, and Hecate looked back at him, though a touch exasperated. "Naruto Uzumaki, you are here because you have something even I, a goddess, am unable to acquire."

"Stupidity?"

"No, dearest, I believe she speaks of his mortality."

"Nordic Runes." Hecate glared at the two as they tittered to each other. She looked back at him again. "And knowledge of Egyptian magic."

"Why not head down to Boston and check in at the Hotel? Pretty sure they'd offer lessons at a discount." Naruto sneered back. Hecate's eyes flashed with realization, and she gained a small smirk. She looked too pleased by something he said. Mm, he might have erred.

"You've been to Hotel Valhalla."

Correction, he definitely erred.

"I should probably just be quiet and let you speak." Naruto mumbled. His face was captured in a tight, firm grip. Ethereal green eyes stared down at him.

"No, boy. You are just so...well traveled." Hecate smiled. Her eyes washed over him anew and the Amazon alarms blared in his head. "Rejoice, your worth to me alive has just increased."

"I'll be sure to show you my eager face."

"Right now it seems to be your resting bitch face." Psyche muttered.

"Alas, darling, there may be no helping that. He was raised by The Cuntress, after all." Eros sighed around his ever-present smirk. Naruto leveled him with a sidelong glare that, were it possible, would've eradicated him on the spot.

"Do try not to use such descriptions here, Eros."

"I promise nothing!"

"Please at least make an attempt to be less vulgar then." Hecate rolled her eyes. She released Naruto's face and stepped back. "With your runes, knowledge, and...expertise...I may be better off enthralling you as I did your father, rather than pry your information out of you."

"Great offer. Gonna pass." He smiled facetiously. "I got enough bitches waiting for me to feed 'em back home."

Good one! The Fox chortled in the back of his head. Now spit in her eye!

"...Alright, I'll admit it. That one was clever." Eros chuckled. Psyche shoved her husband, but giggled all the same.

"Cute. Comparing me to your little puppies. And one wonders where this generation's wit has ended up." Hecate sneered at the mortal. She pressed her index finger to his temple. "Do try not to scream. Your father managed six seconds, and he was quite formidable."

Energies built into the tip of her finger and burrowed into his skull. Naruto held out for all of eight seconds before the scream ripped out of his mouth.

I will not be enslaved again! The Fox roared and Naruto felt his body blaze from the inside out. His skin began to rip and peel away, revealing the volatile red energy that thrummed beneath. Hecate let out a curse and tore away.

"Arashi! That creature is acting up! Subdue it!"

"Yes, Lady Hecate." The hooded figure nodded before he approached with a slip of paper in his hand. As soon as he was in range, Naruto reared his head back and threw his entire weight forward. He, and the chair he was bound to, flipped into the Thrall. Arashi was knocked down, and the chair, a construct of some brittle material, shattered on impact with the ground.

Freed from his binds, Naruto rolled to his feet and put his back to the nearest obsidian pillar. Once there, he reached up and pulled the blade that was still in his shoulder out. He stifled the pained sound that threatened to escape with gritted teeth. The Fox's energy swarmed over and in the gaping hole, filled and reformed it to be spotless. He glared at the gods that watched him and held the strange, short blade out.

"This should be entertaining." Eros chirped. He drummed his fingers on his throne. "Shame we can't just destroy him on the spot."

"The Thunderer's shortsighted decrees strike again." Psyche agreed with a small sigh.

"Arashi. Punish your unruly son for me." Hecate instructed, sitting back down in her manifested chair.

When the hooded Thrall sat up, his dislodged hood fell and Naruto stared. His eyes, his hair – albeit in a lion's mane rather than the short shag Naruto preferred – and a thinner version of his face stared back at him. Save for the inverted crescent moons surrounding a full circle that was burned into the center of his forehead, Arashi just needed three whiskers, a rounder face and a scar over his right eye and they'd be borderline clones. The thrall stood and stared impassively at him.

Kick him in the dick! The Fox snarled.

Trust me, Fox, I'll do more than that.

"I don't want to hurt you more than I have, son." Arashi drawled. He drew a tri-pronged knife from behind him. "Put the kunai down and submit."

"You first." Naruto invited as they started circling each other. He wasn't sure who made the initial move that had them launch themselves at one another, but it happened much sooner than he expected it to.

Their blades locked up and he lashed out with a right cross. Arashi caught it. For a thrall, he had a decent reaction time. That was...actually kind of surprising. Naruto grit his teeth and threw a kick, blocked by a shin. His fist was released, and his extended leg was grabbed under the knee. The Underworld spun and he found himself tumbling across the mist-covered ground, skull rattled.

"The chair! Give him the chair!"

"Eros, how many times have I told you to stop watching that absurd wrestling nonsense with your father?"

"I did!" Eros huffed. "Mother and I watched it last week. She complains about the outfits though. Not revealing enough."

"The men's or the women's?"

"Yes."

Naruto rubbed his head and glared at the chatty gods. They were bent on irritating him to the point of distraction. He had to block them out.

Incoming, twelve o clock.

Naruto rolled out of the way of a descending fist and quickly went on the defensive. His arms bruised with every blow he blocked. His bones creaked out complaints whenever he took a kick. How the heck was this man so strong?!

Chakra. The Fox growled. Naruto frowned, this guy had access to that stuff, too? ...Well, that's not good.

"Enough games. Your son is clearly physically adept. Arashi, end this." Hecate ordered.

"Yes, Lady Hecate." Arashi flipped his blade around. He nodded at Naruto. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry son."

"Not yet, you're n–!" Naruto's heated retort died on his lips as he threw himself back, away from the thrown knife that soared past him. He smirked at the man whose arm was extended. "Missed."

"Did I?" Arashi smirked back, showing the first form of emotion since they'd met face to face. A sense of dread swelled in the son of Artemis with the next word he uttered. "Hiraishin."

Aw, $#*%. The Fox cursed as the man vanished in a yellow flash. Something slammed into Naruto's back. He whipped around, striking at air, and was hit again. This pattern repeated before eventually the barest glimpse of a limb was followed by a sudden surge of pain. Soon enough, even glimpses of limbs became rare. All he would catch was the sight of a bright flash, and even The Fox's impressive healing power did little to hinder the damage he took.

It was after the ninth blow to the face that Naruto realized he might be a little out of his league here. The beating that followed his realization was nothing short of brutal. His right eye swelled four times before it stuck, his ribs broke eight times before they stopped healing past a fracture, and soon enough all that The Fox's strange energy could do was focus on the near-fatal internal injuries his internal organs sustained.

As blood poured down from his broken jaw, the mortal collapsed to his back. His body shuddered, every shallow breath brought him nothing but agony, every nerve in his system screamed at him to roll over and accept death. The boiling feeling of The Fox's power surged through his veins and he felt The Fox's will to survive press through with his own, before he heard Arashi's voice once more.

"Rasengan!"

A blue swirling orb of energy slammed into his stomach and the ground shattered beneath him. Blood spurted out of his mouth and caked his chin, along with Arashi's face. Pain like nothing else turned his whole body numb. The Fox's energies redirected to heal the internal damage, and Naruto's vision, for the second time that day, went dark. But he could still hear. Someone was clapping.

"Well done, Arashi. Well done." Heels clacked along the obsidian ground. Naruto couldn't feel anything, but he knew Hecate stood over him. Her magic thrummed as he imagined it would gather on her finger. He figured she had a smirk on her face with her next words. "Now, let's try this again."

"Yes, let's!" Psyche tittered.

"Welcome to the winning team, Son of Artemis." Eros chuckled.

Before his mind turned blank, Naruto silently vowed to mount that god's head over the hearth of his mother's cabin in Colorado.

AN: Happy Father's D–What? ...Oh JUNE! ...OHHH. Wait. Father's Day is in June? Month of Juno? Goddess of Motherhood?

Who got that messed up?