Once again, I should mention that I do not own the Hobbit, nor the characters. Just this idea. Enjoy.
Bilbo was so done with tonight, Gandalf had practically run past her to answer the door first, the rest of the dwarves following, and Bilbo had waited in the kitchen pinching the bridge of her nose, trying to relieve the headache that had sprung up. Bilbo supposed she better get used to them if they were a symptom of her...condition. Oh Yavanna, Bilbo desperately wished to be alone right now. Bilbo didn't care who was at the door, or how important he so clearly was based on everyone else's reaction. She wanted them to state their business, and then leave, so she could curl up in her nice warm bed and cry. But as her mother would say, 'While a cry is fine, it's not a solution.' So, wearily Bilbo straightened her shoulders, firmly reminded herself she was The Baggins of Bag-End, and stepped into the foyer just as the door swung open.
The dwarf that strolled through her doorway had a lovely silky deep voice and a commanding presence. His broad shoulders were draped in rich, dark furs, and his piercing blue eyes scanned the room with an air of authority that immediately quieted the dwarves in front of her. He was tall even for a dwarf, with an aura that demanded attention, and the moment he stepped into the room, it felt as if the entire atmosphere shifted. Bilbo wouldn't lie, he was handsome, but his attractiveness was marred by that glare he wore.
"Gandalf, I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way twice, wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark in the door." The newcomer said taking off his coat.
"Mark? What mark? There's no mark, I painted it a week ago!" Bilbo found herself saying as she moved forward through the cluster of dwarves towards Gandalf, and Mr. tall dark and broody.
"There is a mark, I put it there myself," Gandalf said matter of factly. "Bilbo Baggins, I would like to introduce to you the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield," he said grandly indicating both Bilbo and Mr. tall dark and broody with his hand, but Bilbo raised her own hand in protest to stop him.
"Wait a minute, back up," Bilbo said turning away from the newcomer, Thorin, to face Gandalf, "I'm sorry, did you just admit to vandalizing my home?!" Bilbo asked incredulously staring at the Wizard. Gandalf raised an eyebrow, a strained smile breaking out over his face.
"Vandalizing? Oh, come now, Bilbo. It was just a small mark. Nothing that can't be easily covered up. Besides, it's a helpful mark. It guided Thorin here, didn't it, who, you've rather rudely ignored." he said, gesturing, again, to the man standing behind her and giving her a pointed look like introduce yourself and be polite. It was a look her father had given her many times.
"This is the hobbit Bilbo Baggins, not her husband or something?" The newcomer spat accusatory at Gandalf, stepping closer to her with a critical glare. "A female Gandalf? Can she even fight? She looks more like a grocer than a burglar," he said circling her with a newfound distaste in his expression.
"And you look like you would have better manners, so it appears we are both disappointed. Glad we got that out of the way, you can stop circling me like a goddamn vulture now." Bilbo snapped at the man before disregarding him completely as she turned back to Gandalf, missing the look of surprise that crossed the gathered dwarves' faces. "When the hell did you put a mark on my door Gandalf?" she demanded.
"There are many things I do that you don't know about my dear." The wizard answered cryptically. Bilbo practically growled as she marched over to the door and ripped it open. There on the outside of her door, was a deep groove that looked like a poorly drawn, slanted "F" and it was glowing blue!
"See my dear, just a little mark. No harm done, now is the time for more important matters," he said airily as he stepped toward her and tried to close the door, but Bilbo was absolutely fed up. Without looking Bilbo grabbed Gandalf's beard and jerked him down to her eye level. Gandalf made such a surprised noise Bilbo would have laughed if she wasn't so pissed. Quick as a whip, Bilbo turned to lock her icy gaze on him.
"If it's such a little mark as you claim Gandalf, you will have no trouble fixing it. Right?" Gandalf's eyes widened in shock, but it was quickly masked by a forced calm.
"Ah, Bilbo," Gandalf said with an approving smirk, though the surprise was still evident in his voice. "I see you are as spirited as ever. But I must insist—"
"Don't you dare," Bilbo cut him off, her tone biting. "If it's no trouble at all, you will fix it. Either, you can make it go away, just like that." She snapped her fingers, her eyes burning into him, refusing to break contact. "Or I get the sander and paint. Now, do I need to take matters into my own hands, Wizard? I have a perfectly good frying pan in the kitchen and I'm not afraid to use it, or would you prefer the conkers?"
Gandalf blinked at her in stunned silence for a moment, clearly unsure whether she was truly threatening him or merely venting her frustration. For a moment, he said nothing, just staring at her before he got his words out with a nervous chuckle. "It's not as simple as it seems, my dear Bilbo. That mark was meant for something."
Bilbo actually did roll her eyes at this before looking very pointedly at the Dwarves in her home. "I'll assume you'll need a sander and the paint then," she said dryly as she roughly dismissed him by letting go of his beard.
"Bilbo Baggins," Gandalf scolded, his tone firm and demanding. "There are more important things at stake than marks on doors! You are needed. Whether you like it or not,... destiny has come for you. And whether you choose to face it now or later, it will find you." Gandalf delayed dramatically, waving his arms about.
Bilbo scoffed at the man and put her hands on her hips. "Frankly Gandalf. "Destiny" can go shove it, I don't give a shit. Either you fix my door or I kick you all out," she said before turning around to address the man who, unintentionally, started this mess. "It was Thorin Oakenshield I believe?"
Thorin Oakenshield, who had been quietly observing the back-and-forth with a scowl on his face, stepped forward. He was towering over her, even more imposing now that the conversation had shifted in his direction again. "Yes," he said, his deep voice rumbling with a tone that brooked no argument.
"Good, come with me," she said before briskly moving into the dining room, "Go ahead and sit," Bilbo said as she gestured toward the empty dining table "I'll get you something to eat." and with that, Bilbo headed into the kitchen. She had made herself a plate of food earlier on in the day but couldn't bring herself to eat, so she had hidden it in the kitchen, thankfully it was still there, unmolested by the dwarves.
"Here," she said placing her dinner before the grumpy dwarf who had settled himself at the head of her table. Typical.
"Now then, shall we get down to business," Gandalf said smoothly sitting down to Thorin's left as the remaining dwarves settled in around her table.
"Nope. Not you!" Bilbo snapped, gripping onto his robes and pulling, the now squawking wizard, off of the chair. "You're not off the hook yet, you miscreant! You have a door to fix, if you don't know how to sand and paint a door I will teach you, but you don't get to go around doing whatever the hell you want willy-nilly and expect no consequences! By Yavanna's garden, it's like I'm dealing with a literal fledgling!" She exclaimed in exasperation.
"I beg your pardon! I am not a child! I am nearly 24,000 years old!" he sputtered.
"Good, then you should know how to act like an adult and take responsibility for your mistakes! Now do you know how to sand and paint a door?" Bilbo replied saucily.
Gandalf puffed himself up in front of her, his robes flowing with an air of dramatic flair, his voice rising in pitch with each word, as though his age and experience somehow excused him from the very basics of house repairs. "I have fought in countless wars! I have seen things you couldn't even fathom, I have fought against the rising powers of darkness for thousands of years! I have-"
"Unless your next words are 'know how to sand and paint a door' I genuinely don't care." The wizard paused at her interruption, his mouth still half-open as though he was searching for some grand explanation, then he blinked, and blinked again. Gandalf's face fell just a little, his booming voice now quieter as he grumbled.
"Of course, I know how to sand a door," he muttered, lifting his chin once again in an attempt to retain some dignity.
"Then roll up your sleeves and get to sanding, Wizard," Gandalf, to his credit, didn't argue. He simply gave a resigned sigh and moved toward the door, muttering something under his breath about being misunderstood at this age.