Me and Garrus cuddled on my couch with a glass of wine. Not something we got to do very often. I layed my head down in his lap and let him play with my hair. I closed my eyes, counting each stroke of his claws against my scalp. "Why are you getting me drunk?" I asked him playfully.
"I guess there's no reason to keep it from you. Dr. Chakwas wanted me to try to help you through your trauma," he admitted.
"You would do that?" I looked up into his eyes, rather touched by his offering. "So we're doing a therapy sesh?' I asked.
"Therapy sesh. I'm just going to let you talk, and I'll listen. I might keep you on track, but for the most part I want you to be the one talking. I'm recording it for the Dr. Do you mind?" he asked for my consent to record.
"Yeah, might be an interesting story," I agreed, shifting around to make sure I was comfortable first. "Where should I start?" I asked.
"Start with your father," he hit the record button.
"Oh, I see you spoke to mom about some things. You're probably ready for this interview then," I applaud his thoroughness. "She probably told you we were close, so I'll start with his death. It was my sixteenth birthday. He was out on a shuttle mission..."
I remember he was doing a simple survey on an M class planet. He promised to bring me flowers for my birthday. I curled my hair that day, and wore my nicest dress. I met up with Levi in the Mess hall. He had a gift to give me.
"Wow, you look beautiful," that was the first time I made him blush since we broke up. "I, uh, put this together for you," he handed me a small object taped crudely in cardboard.
"What is it? A music stick?" I tore the wrapping off, careful not to damage it.
"All of your favorite opera songs," he admitted hesitantly.
"This is so thoughtful. It must have taken you forever. Thank you," I thanked him with a peck on the cheek. Afterwards we headed to the ball room. It's a room for recreation, but we had tables and chairs if we needed to throw a party. The whole time I just waited for dad to show up. Mom insisted I opened my gifts without him. She wanted me to see the locket she got for me, a beautiful little gold heart on a fine chain. Our head of security told mom at the party that his shuttle didn't make it. She pulled me aside and told me away from everyone else.
"What do you mean his shuttle didn't make it? Dad is the best piolet out there," I couldn't believe what she was telling me, and on a day we where I was being celebrated. I spent the rest of my birthday locked in my room. No matter how hard mom or Levi tried to coax me out, I wouldn't leave.
The next two years was like living in a daze. I was never my self, and nothing around the ship was the same. I thought about leaving the home ship and enlisting in the Alliance military. That's exactly what I did. I sent a transmission to Earth with all of my information behind mom's back. When she found out she was furious.
"Belial! Belial, there you are. Is there something you want to talk about?" she found me locked away in my room, listening to my opera music.
"There's nothing for us to talk about," I brushed her off.
"Really? There's nothing at all," my secrecy hurt her more than anything. She gave me one last chance to put it into my words.
"Not a thing," I lied to her face.
"Then you don't mind explaining the Alliance acceptance letter I received from Earth today?" she caught me red handed.
"You opened my mail!" I raised my voice to her.
"What the hell is this ship supposed to do without you? You're the only one raised to take command. You were going to be our piolet," she came off rather selfishly, thinking of her crew, but not of me. It elated me to be leaving. It was the first decision I made for myself since my dad died.
"Become a piolet? For what, so I can die in a shuttle like dad did?" that was the first time she had ever hit me. She smacked me hard, open palm over the face. She hit me so hard the force knocked me onto my bed.
"You won't talk about the man I loved like that," maybe that's where I got it. The argument didn't end there. We yelled and called each other names. It's all such a blur, that day. I can't remember the whole thing.
I remember she didn't want to take me to my rendezvous with Earth, yet she was the one who helped me into my uniform. I stood stiffly in place while she made sure every button was neatly secure. "You're so beautiful. Your father would be so proud," maybe seeing me become engaged in something productive did make her proud. I know I didn't believe her when she said it. All her and father ever wanted was to groom me to take over the ship. But I was dangerous. I knew I didn't belong on a ship responsible for children. Levi was there that day too. He wished me luck, but I didn't say anything. Mom gave me a solo kiss on the cheek without one back. Then the recruiter shuttle took me down.
When I went down all of my superior officers came to meet with me, and shook my hand. After that I took my things to my room, my first real room on Earth.
"Hi, I'm Alison, but you can call me Alice," my roommate, a pretty girl with blonde hair and fake eyelashes introduced herself to me.
"Belial," I said short and simple as I put my things away. I remember thinking she was no more than an insect to me. I didn't think she was my people, even if I didn't really know what that meant at the time. I kept my answers with her short and sweet.
Things didn't start picking up for me until I met James Vega. I hadn't ever been in a coed dorm before. Alison had our door open, an annoying habit of hers. I bitched at her all of the time over it. There was a ruckus in the hall and I couldn't concentrate on my school work.
"Can you close the door? I can't concentrate," I didn't so much as look up from my paper or the problem I was reading.
"No way. Vega is coming up the hall," she rushed to the open door for reasons beyond me. "Belial you have to come see this," she was beside herself with excitement as she waited by the door frame to lurk.
"You look ridiculous. No wonder you never get any work done," I dismissed her.
"Oh my god! He's coming down the hall," she was like a retriever. She grabbed me off of my bed and yanked me over by the door. I finally got to see what all the commotion was about. Down the hall, coming our way was an immaculate Hispanic man, rocking a faded fauxhawk. He made his was to our door, soaking wet with just a towel around his waist. Down the hall all the way to the showers, female heads could be seen emerging from their rooms.
"Hola, ladies," he came to call at our door.
"Hey James," Alison sounded like she was ready to pull him into the bed with her.
"Alison. Whose the new girl?" his brown eyes paid me respect.
"Belial," I spoke for myself, but I was in no condition to be receiving such a man. My hair was so plain, thrown up without the assistance of a brush to at least make it appear neat. I just had on shorts and a sports team t-shirt I borrowed from Alison.
"Diablo," he found my name amusing. "Well, it was nice to meet you. I better get going," I followed him carefully as he continued down the hall. Pretty soon mine was one of many heads, entering the hall.
"Look at you," Alison clutched my scalp with her hand. "You're blushing," she smiled the most evil smile.
"I am not!" I pushed her away.
"Whatever. You're crushing big time," she rested on her bed. "You wanted me to close the door," she teased.
"It stays open," I came to her way of thinking. I thought Vega was impressive to look at, but as I watched him I began suspecting he was hiding something. No one else seemed to have any idea. He would always slip away from campus on the weekend. He had an alibi for anyone who asked. He always had a story prepared. He was playing a game with his buddies across town, had a hot date at the movies, went to a night club, or a big party. Being ripped made him cool anyway. No one seemed to question him.
Once I finally got a Saturday off I followed him off campus. I trailed him to the side of town none of the girls went to. He seemed to disappear behind a sport's bar. When I got closer I noticed a cellar door. I climbed down the silent staircase. Once I opened the door the noise escaped. Motivational metal music played over a comn. Off to the far wall was a bar for people to relax and get a drink or something to eat if they wanted. The cellar was filled with the hardy cheers of men of all ages. They all surrounded a fighting ring where the real entertainment was happening.
I fell into the crowd in the back to watch a match that had already been underway. It was the most magnificent thing I had ever seen. Two men beating the absolute shit out of each other. One punched the other in the face until blood shot out. I watched the barbarism in awe as a strange sense of peace washed over me.
"Diablo? What are you doing? You shouldn't be here," Vega recognized me in the crowd.
"This is where you've been sneaking off to," I accused him.
"This isn't a place for girls. Come on, I'll walk you back," he offered to take me home.
"How do I enter one of these?" I asked him.
"You're joking. Diablo. There's no rules. It's a blood match. It's survival. It just keeps going until the other guy gives up.
"Buyer's fee! Pay your buy in! Who wants to go next?" a man came around with a collection box.
"I'll fight," I took off the locket my mother got me and callously tossed it into the collection box.
"You're insane. They'll murder you," he felt responsible for me finding this place.
"Right this way, little lady," a big brute escorted me into the ring.
"Don't do this," Vega attempted to talk me down.
I was pumped, ready for anything to happen. All around me were lights, cheering, and shouting. The man who stepped into the ring with me wasn't small either. They had to do some searching to find men in the room willing to blood match a woman. This guy looked the kind. His eyes were demented. He looked very happy to have the opportunity.
"I'm sorry sweetheart. There is no weight class," he spoke deceptively soft and flashed a smile at me. I sized him up with a naïve sense of how I'd stand a chance against him. When I heard the whistle blow he stepped forward. He lowered his fists and waited patiently for me to come to him. At the time I had so much rage built inside. Anger at my parents, at myself. I did what I could with just that rage and my speed. I had never been taught how to land a hit.
I ran at him, ducking and diving, hitting him when and wherever I could until he had enough. "I'll try not to hurt your face. I'll just break a few of your ribs instead," he gut punched me so hard I lost my lunch. All the men except for Vega were in an uproar, watching the foolish girl get her ass kicked. I remember his ring name, Lucius the Beast. That day Lucius gave me the hardest beating I've ever received. He fulfilled his promise, damaging my body and not my face.
I relished each blow. The pain he gave made me feel so alive. I just curled up and let him do whatever he wanted. It must have gotten pretty bad because I became so delirious I couldn't even tap myself out. Shit, I hardly knew what was going on around me. I just thought the universe was literally beating the shit out of me. James had to stop the fight.
"That's enough!" he yelled for Lucius to stop hitting me, but he ignored him. "I said that's enough!" he finally just bloodied his nose to get him to fuck off. "Diablo? Can you hear me?" he called to me. I just let out a small whimper like I was afraid my insides would fall out. "Easy," he slowly peeled me off of the matt. The pain became so overwhelming, I passed out.
When I woke up it was mid day and I was in a hospital. Vega came by after school to check on me. "Your little stunt last night really put me out, you know? I had to come up with a story and everything for you," he took the apple off my tray as compensation. "You were tough as nails out there though. You weren't giving up no matter what Lucius threw at you. I really didn't like seeing a woman get knocked around like that," his blood ran cold.
"You could train me," I proposed.
"You have to be joking. You aren't going back after all of that," he was more telling me so than asking.
"Please Vega. I'm really messed up right now. I need something in my life to fill this emptiness inside," I bared my soul to him.
"You really want to turn to blood sports for that?" he smiled. "I guess we're the same," he found some intimate connection with me through that piece of understanding.
"Why do you go there?" I pressed.
He laughed, "for that same reason. I was filling lost. I have all of this muscle, thought I might put it to good use. Training will mean you'll have to workout double time. You'll have a pretty big weight gap to fill, but I do love an underdog."
"So you'll do it? You'll train me?" I was pretty excited to get my way.
"Alright Diablo. I'll teach you how to live up to that name. We'll make a god fearing man out of Lucius yet," he spoke with such confidence.
After that night we became the best of friends. At first it was scandalous, all of the students at academy seeing us together all the time. James helped me manage my meals around the clock. He stole me at the end of my classes so we could use the gym. The other girls started to get jealous of me. They were always whispering. Alison stopped talking to me entirely. I didn't care about the friends I made or the reputation I had. All I cared about was Vega teaching me to fight.
He taught me how to get the most out of my speed, how to put weight into my hits and where to land them. Sparing with him was exhausting. He had me repeat the same sets over and over again until I had them down just perfectly. He had become so busy with training me that he hadn't been to the blood sport club himself. He brought me along to watch him fight. He had requested a match with Lucius, so he could show me how it was done. When I got my rematch he wanted me to know every muscle spasm on Lucius' body.
The whistle blew and they charged each other like two raging bulls. The beast's style was to overwhelm his opponent. James used his speed to dodge the more brutal of blows. When he countered with a punch to his jaw teeth and blood shot out. Once he got him off balance, Vega stayed on him. His giant arms did incredible damage. He buckled him over with a gut punch. I cheered, it was beginning to feel like payback. Once he got him buckled over he dived into his back with his elbow. Vega was toying with him, bending his legs back against their bend, anything to get him to tap out. He finally gave up when James locked his neck in his large arms.
We stayed for a couple of matches. I waited, bundled up in the snow while he grabbed his takeout order. "Hey, Diablo. I got you something," he joined me outside. "Merry Christmas," he opened my hands and placed my mother's locket into my palms. "You're ice cold," why don't you have gloves on?" he pestered me.
"James, I don't know what to say. Thank you," I looked at the necklace in disbelief.
"I was going to keep it for myself as a trophy, but I though hey it's Christmas," he shrugged. We fought together for two years after that. I had finally become the prodigy he cultivated and earned my name, Diablo. My attacks were especially aggressive. My tactic was to wear a man down over time through damaging them periodically in the same spots over and over again. Fighting had become what I needed it to be. It was an outlet for all of my pain.
After I graduated from the academy the Marines became my new haven. Chaos was replaced with structure. I served with the same company of five people for two years. We first met on the day of our orientation. Me and four others met with our Lieutenant in a park on our base. We sat in a circle on the grass.
"Hello everyone, I'm Lieutenant Moon. I'll be looking out for you guys when we're out on missions. We'll be spending a lot of time together, so why don't you guys go around and introduce yourselves. We'll start with you Andy,"
Andy had as scruffy a beard as the Alliance would allow with a beak like nose. "Nice to meet you guys. My name is Andy. I'm the group mechanic. I'll be put in charge of any vehicles we'll be driving. I'm married, I have a wife in Montana," he spoke with a raspy voice. He pondered for a moment on anything else he would say. "And, I got nothing. I look forward to working with everyone. I'm glad to be here," he looked to the baby faced giant next to him.
"My name is Ashton. I'll be the team engineer. So any decoding and tech stuff, I'm your guy. I have a fiancé in Michigan," for a giant man he was very soft spoken. "And I'm also glad to be here," he agreed with Andy.
"Hi everyone. My name is Jessica. You can all just call me Jesse. I'm a single dancer from Florida. I'm also gun one if anyone was wondering. Nice to meet you," she spoke very cheerfully. My first impression of Jessica was that she was incredibly vain for a soldier. Just like Alison, she had false lashes, and everything else done up.
"Nice to meet everyone. My name is Patricia. I'm a mother to a beautiful four year old boy in Alabama. I'm also your recon specialist," she spoke in the most pleasant southern accent.
Once I thought it was safe I took my turn. "I'm gun two, my name is Belial Sheppard. I'm not actually from Earth."
"What do you mean, like your from the Mars colony?" Andy interrupted.
"Don't be rude," Ashton scolded him.
"I'm from the generation ship, the Berlin," I looked around at everyone's intrigued faces. They evidently hadn't ever met a spacer before.
"And you came all the way here to get to know us. That's really cool," Jessica smiled. I wasn't smiling much those days, but hers was contagious.
"That just leaves me. I come from a military family in Tennessee," Lieutenant Moon wrapped up his introduction.
The barracks were divided into two, guys on one side, and the girls on the other. So I was sharing with two instead of one this time. Jessica was most interested in getting to know me. "Why haven't I met you before? A spacer at academy is a pretty big deal," she sounded stumped as she unpacked her things for the new room.
"I didn't really talk to too many people. My roommate was Alison Gray and I spent most of my time training with James Vega," I casually admitted.
"Training with Vega, now that sounds like fun," she attempted to ponder what that must be like.
"It sucked. He's a real slave driver," I folded my clothes into my trunk.
"You're so funny," she found amusement in the littlest things I said or did.
As time went on I found them more and more endearing. Pat was always doting about her son. She'd show us pictures of him, and tell us about all of the cute things he's done. Andy was really funny. He did jackass stunts at home and would do some of the funniest pranks. Me and Ashton traded music, and he told me about the concerts he'd take his fiancé to. Lieutenant Moon was the most like me, he kept to himself and his books.
I adored Jessica the most. She gave me makeovers and showed me how to fix my hair. She seemed like your average preppy girl, but deep down she was a sadist and she was drawn to that quality in me. I think I could look for a million years and I'd never find another like her. She even showed me a few dance moves. She had this toxic need to play match maker. She was determined to make me stand out, and through her guidance I found my confidence.
After a year of being in the same company we knew each other's birthdays, our hopes and dreams. Our second year was when we started doing space missions. We would provide support for the colonies be it minor repairs or ground support.
When Earth science teams made it to Akuze it was a big deal. It was the furthest we had gone. The Alliance had lost all contact with the pioneer team when they gave the mission to ten different teams. They didn't need that many people and the lieutenants complained, but who would reach the message in time. When we got there the settlement was empty just like the research base on Trebin. What could we do? We came all the way outside of Alliance space, and there were no bodies. So we camped.
I remember not being able to sleep. I sat up in my cot between Jessica and Pat. Pat was snoring. "What's wrong? Belial, can't sleep?" Jess asked.
"No, can you?" I asked.
"I can't sleep either," she admitted.
"Let's go for a walk. Maybe we just need to stretch our legs," I climbed out of my cot. We started a round through the rows of tents. "Jess, I'm not feeling any better. Are you?" I looked to her for an opinion.
"It doesn't seem right, all of those people just disappearing like that. There were multiple research teams. Where did they all go?" she pondered. All of a sudden we heard a distant scream. We stopped dead in our tracks. The night guards all came running back to camp.
"Monsters! Everybody up!" they tore ass through the camp.
"Come on! We need to grab our guns and wake up Pat and the others!" Jess led the way back to our tent. We hadn't gone too far. "Pat! Pat wake up! We're under attack!" she shook her violently until she finally started getting up and grabbed her gun. The three of us headed back outside. Ideally we would have met up with our Lieutenant, but our camp had been thrown into chaos.
All around us was soldiers shooting, grabbing their guns, and looking for people. We didn't even know what we were shooting at. We watched as one after another the soldiers forming the line was pulled into the ground below by an unseen force. The people nearest them screamed in horror as blood splashed out of their ruptured skin. They all began to fall back into the camp.
"Did you see that? Something just pulled them under like it was nothing," Jessica's skin crawled.
"I think we should find the others," Pat suggested. On our way back to our tents we came across four more victims. They all laid on their backs from a surprise attack. Their bodies suffered horrible acid burns. "What is capable of this?" Pat questioned, trying to make sense of it all.
We soon had our answer as a thresher rose from the ground. Two teams fired on the creature. It seemed to just piss it off. When it disappeared back under the ground it came up where one of the teams was standing, consuming as many as four men in one foul bite.
"Run! Everybody run!" Pat urged us, but where were we going to go. It was night, and everything was in disarray. Jess made a run for it back to the settlement. I could vaguely make out the tendril that wrapped around her leg, stopping her dead in her tracks. She let out a piercing scream before the beast drug her under and her blood exploded out of her body.
"Jessica!" I screamed after her, but I knew there was nothing left. The monster was underground, stealthily fishing us one by one and sometimes in large groups.
"Belial, we have to get out of here!" Pat pulled me along in front of her. We ran as fast as we could to the center of camp where everyone who was left would likely be held up. We were almost away from the east border of our camp when a tendril grabbed Pat. "Go!" she yelled for me. The worm drug her away. She fought and screamed, but it pulled her under.
"Pat, but- Your son," I froze. Then I thought about the last thing she said. Go, go to the others. I ran as fast as I could until I reached the center where the others were holding off. There couldn't have been ten people left. None of them were from my squad. Together we were keeping the tendrils at bay. I knew this success could't last though. Because I saw the thresher maw take out groups of people. I knew deep down that the only way to survive was to split up.
I wished my suspicions had been wrong. Once the thresher located our position it came up from the ground, taking out people as it emerged. Then it started spitting acid. Blood and acid went everywhere. I fired at the gargantuan on foot as I fell back. I managed to wound it and it retreated back into the ground. I ran, and I ran. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I knew I wanted to get up off the ground.
I found a table with benches we used to set up a canteen. It was there where I was able to get a better understanding of the thresher and what few limitations it had to try to come up with a plan of escape. What I hadn't realized was by moving to the table I had stranded myself there. When the sun came up it made me its bitch, but I could watch the tendrils. Based on what I knew of Earth animal biology and what behavior it was exhibiting I was able to deduce that the creature was blind, moving on sound alone. It knew where I had disappeared, but since I was elevated off the ground not making any noise it couldn't locate me.
I really needed to get off of that bench and gun up. My goal was the supply tent. I needed to figure out a way to keep the beast off of me while I reached the guns and ammuniticion. I took a hairpin and set up my gun to self destruct. I tossed the mother fucker as far away from me in the opposite direction as I could. When it exploded the worm went straight for it just like I thought it would. I crept slow and steady through the tents.
In a couple of minutes I had made it to the supply tent. I loaded up on medical supplies, grabbed me a new auto rifle, and ammo for it. Off to the corner of the tent was a rocket launcher like a gift from god himself. It had three charges on it. I carried it on my back for just the right opportunity. It was when I headed back for the settlement that it set out for me. I saw the earth tremor as the thresher chased after me. I hauled ass up the hill.
I climbed onto one of the tin roofs. That's when it rose its ugly head out of the ground. I had a surprise for the bastard, an antitank round to the face. He was mad after that. That's when the real fight began. Now that I was safe I was able to pick away at him. I was exhausted. After my rockets were gone I picked away at it for hours with automatic rounds.
All of a sudden everything went silent, and I no longer had the comfort of an enemy to face. I was left to see what remained of the camp, but everyone was gone. Just the blowing of tent canvas and banners beating in the wind remained. In just one night I had seen my squad for the last time without any herald of warning. After that I sent out a distress signal and an Earth transport came and got me.
On Earth they decorated me and called me a hero, but most of all I did was just run and take cover. They knew nothing of the lives lost or the people at home who would mourn for them. I knew little Zachary wasn't going to have a mother for his sixth birthday just like when I lost my own father. I wondered what he would think about my decorations and my Commanding title.
"Well, that's it. After I recovered I was given Command of my own star ship. I got to meet all of you wonderful people," I finished recalling my past to Garrus who had been attentively listening as he scraped through my hair. He stopped the recording. "I wonder how talking about it is going to help anything," I questioned my dear Karin's methods.
"I think better understanding the trauma that causes your episodes can help us put a stop to them in the future. At least that's what the doctor told me," he explained.
"Talking about it just makes me think about it more. The boy, I think he must be eight by now," I thought about him.
"Do you ever write?" he asked me, but I was in a daze.
"I'm sorry. Say that again?" I gave him my undivided attention.
"The families of your squad. Have you kept in contact with them?"
"No. The thought never even occurred to me. I know if it was me I wouldn't ever want to hear from me. I wouldn't want for anything to remind me," there was a sadness I couldn't shake from the weight of bringing all of this up.
"It sounds like you're trying to forget," he made an observation.
"Maybe you're right," I held my stomach as though it would fall out. I was sitting up on the edge of the couch. I poured myself a drink to ease my nerves.
"Belial, you're not going to forget them. From what you've told me they've helped shape you into the woman you are right now. All of your decorations, those are things your squad would have been proud of. They meant a lot to you. I think you should write their loved ones, let them know you still think about them. What could it hurt?" he attempted to talk sense into me.
"It's hard, Garrus. You're asking a lot of me," I started to feel sorry for myself. "But I'll try," I gave him a brave smile.
After he left that night I looked up the families of my people. I found Andy's widow in Montana, Ashton's widowed fiancé in Michigan, Moon's military family in Tennessee, Jessica's parents in Florida, and little Zachary and his widowed father in Alabama. I spent the whole night coming up with personal responses to each of them. I told them what they meant to me, and how they changed me as a person. In Zachary's letter I called his mother a hero.