My Own Prison, Creed
Court is in session
A verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
(So I held my head up high)
(Hiding hate that burns inside)
(Which only fuels their selfish pride)
Ginny had managed to avoid him for the rest of the day, travelling in a group, not meeting his eyes, feeding his paranoia. He wasn't yet prepared to hunt them down and scare them, but he was close. Cassiopeia hadn't been on the map all night and he'd given up looking for her on the paper hours earlier. He didn't want to seek the Gryffindor password from any of the other staff, and the students were… Not likely to give it to him.
He lay awake instead, still dressed in half of his uniform, near midnight, chewing his tongue, trying to get more than one-word replies from Tom, who was still fuming for no readily apparent reason, and staring at the ceiling.
"Why do you think the Horcrux stopped pulling us into his head? It hasn't really happened, for… Since…" He struggled to recall the last time he'd been shown anything.
"You killed Dumbledore," Tom said it conversationally, most likely because he knew it would sting, "It hates us too."
"Okay, thanks for your input, great, everyone hates us," he sighed and rubbed his face, "What- what do we do? I- I didn't think they'd do this… I didn't think- I hoped she wouldn't-"
He was distracted from his difficulty forming a plan by a sudden fizzing burn, as though he'd been bitten by something venomous, on his right arm. He sat up, confused only for a fraction of a second, before his heart stopped, then thundered.
"The map," Tom demanded, so Harry summoned the light, jammed his glasses on and took it out from under his pillow, all in a fraction of a second.
He was already standing, all the blood gone from his head and limbs as he read the names, overlapping outside the headmaster's office:
Lavender Brown
Parvatti Patil
Cho Chang
Cassie Bearstrom
Neville Longbottom
Terry Boot
Hannah Abbott
Severus Snape
Katie Bell
Susan Bones
Alecto Carrow
Michael Corner
Padma Patil
Colin Creevey
Marrietta Edgecombe
Amycus Carrow
Justin Finch-Fletchley
Anthony Goldstein
Thorfinn Rowle
Lee Jordan
Dennis Creevey
Evan Rosier
Angelina Johnson
Ernest Macmillan
Zacharias Smith
Alicia Spinnet
Luna Lovegood
Seamus Finnigan
Dean Thomas
Augustus Rookwood
Corban Yaxley
Then, in the headmaster's office proper:
Tom Riddle
Fenrir Greyback
Antonin Dolohov
Hermione Granger
Nagini
Ginevra Weasley
He dropped the map and sprinted, stumbling out the door; not able to get traction on the smooth wooden floors, still in his socks. As soon as he hit the stones his legs worked. He couldn't think as he ran, brain frozen, heart ricocheting in his chest and neck and head. He felt almost as though he flew through the corridors, sprinting as fast as he ever had, slamming into walls instead of successfully turning, adrenaline making his head feel like it might burst open.
He skidded to a stop as he rounded the corner of the corridor that led to the headmaster's office, filled with magically bound students; lining either side of the corridor, sitting on the floor with wide eyes, and Death Eaters with drawn wands; all staring at him. He blinked at them for a split second, panting, before he found Cassiopeia, and ran at her.
"Open it. Open the door!" Tom demanded, grabbing the front of her robes with both hands.
She responded by screeching, ear piercingly loud; her jaw opened too wide, unnatural, as she bared her fangs. Harry screamed back, right into her face; looking up at her, yelling till he went red, and lost his breath. Somebody else had spoken the password to the statue in the meantime, so he let her go, still hissing and spitting at him, and took the stairs two at a time, bursting into the room, chest heaving, eyes frantic as he took the room in rapidly.
"So good of you to join us, Chosen One," Voldemort said, sitting at the headmaster's desk, every inch of him covered. Masked, robed, wearing dragon-hide gloves.
On the desk was a stack of coins he recognized as the ones Hermione had charmed to heat up, for the meetings of Dumbledore's Army, as well as Dumbledore's wand. He swallowed repeatedly, bit his tongue hard enough to taste blood as he turned to look at Hermione and Ginny, held by a masked Fenrir Greyback -though it was obvious it was the werewolf, towering- and Antonin Dolohov, respectively; squirming, and missing their mouths entirely, sealed and vanished with magic.
Nagini was piled on the floor near the desk, watching him.
"I-" Harry began.
"Do- not- speak!" He shook with rage, contained it, went still, and spoke softly in Parseltongue, "I have discovered some Order members. You are aware, this frees me from my Vow," he picked up Dumbledore's wand as he spoke, spun it in his hands, making Harry's knees weak, "I was… Of a mind to kill them all, tonight, while you watched."
Nagini raised her head as he spoke.
"I will offer you another option," he pointed the wand at Harry as he continued, "You swear your allegiance to me, you come when I call, do as I command, without question or disagreement. While you do this, I will spare them, so long as they do not… Reform."
It was Harry's turn to vibrate with hatred, his stomach rolling as the contents threatened to eject. His rage was clear on his face, he felt it as heat, radiating from him and Tom both. He could feel that he'd broken the skin of his palms with his nails.
"Il n'est pas votre chien. Nous avions un accord," Tom snarled, speaking French and freezing Harry.
'What did you say? What are you saying?' He thought, but he was ignored as his heart fell.
"Oh, but he is. You are,"the Dark Lord said in English, slowly standing as he spoke, hands on the headmaster's desk, then in Parseltongue:
"You will do this, or," he switched back to English, gestured lazily at Hermione, "I will kill that one-"
She struggled in the grip of the masked Death Eater that held her, glaring daggers at the Dark Lord and Harry both.
In Parseltongue: "-Right here, right now. The rest will be re-educated. For your insolence, you will show them your Dark Mark. Now."
Harry made a pained noise, Tom fighting to keep them standing and breathing.
'Do not react. He wants to kill her. Listen. He is about to kill her. Do not-' Tom warned in his head.
"But it's not- it's not the Order- it's-" He tried, but the Dark Lord flicked his wrist, returning Hermione's mouth to her; then he silenced her immediately as words began to pour out, overlapping.
"Tell me, Hermione Granger, do you and your little Army consider yourselves to be members of the Order of the Phoenix?" Voldemort asked her, letting her speak.
"Yes, and we'll defeat you- you won't win- you can't-" She was shrill, red in the face, and he removed her mouth again.
'Veritaserum,' Tom thought, while Harry went numb.
The room was tilting, and he couldn't look at any of them. His eyes were locked on Nagini, coiled, looking back at him. Sweat was leaking into his eyes, stinging, his stomach leaping as though it could get out of his throat, but it couldn't, because his mouth was full of cotton. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't think; couldn't stop twitching; spasming with the shock of it, fury and fear freezing his mind solid, unable to act.
Nagini began to unravel, scales turning to flesh, emerald fabric spilling free with her as she writhed, drawing the attention of the room, Hermione and Ginny's eyes went wide as they let out muted squeaks of alarm from their non-mouths. Even the Death Eaters flinched, but Harry and Tom were already reaching for her.
"What are you doing?" The Dark Lord hissed as she stood.
She didn't look at him; her lips pursed white, and her brow furrowed tightly as she took Harry's outstretched hand. Immediately she slowed his panic, dunking him in ice water, her eyes glowing green, sinking him gratefully into the uneasy cold.
"This isn't fair," she said to Voldemort in the serpent's tongue, eyes on Harry's face.
He was hardly able to hold himself upright as he looked back at Ginny and Hermione, both nearly fighting in the grip of the Dark Lord's followers, confusion and terror mixed on their faces as they watched him; his eyes leaking green effervescence as the Maledictus soothed him, and he realised that again he had no choice but to drive the blade deeper. He let go of her hand and she moved it smoothly to the back of his neck.
His arms shook uncontrollably, he almost couldn't undo the buttons of his right sleeve.
"…Ginny- I'm… Sorry. I- if you can't- I don't have… anything left- I- if you don't stop- with the Order I can't- I can't protect you- anymore-" He stopped, words failing while he sobbed, emotions numbed in his head but not on his face.
He shook his head violently, yanked the fabric up to reveal the mark, and closed his eyes.
Their crying was muffled but he heard it well enough.
"Good. Take them to the others. They are free to return to their dormitories," the Dark Lord told the Death Eaters, and Harry heard them dragged, fighting, weeping, from the room. He couldn't look.
Nagini was pulled away from him, and his eyes snapped open in time to watch the Dark Lord Disapparate from within the headmaster's office, taking the Maledictus. Fury ripped through him, followed by shame, regret, and the curse, tearing out of him as he screamed, howled, fell to his knees and tore the room to shreds, flooding it with agony.
By the time he dragged himself out of the freshly decimated office, -Nothing left but sawdust and sand- only Snape remained in the hallway, looking openly disgusted by him as he pushed past, up the stairs without a word.
He gasped against a wall, adrenaline hitting him in waves.
'What did you say to him?' Harry asked in his head, but was met with silence.
He began to pull on the thread that bound him to the Dark Lord, as he'd watched Tom do, and slammed them into Voldemort's head, too angry and unskilled for grace. He went unnoticed in the whirlwind he found.
'NOT YOUR DOG NOT YOUR DOG NOT! YOUR! DOG! NOT YOUR DOG NOT YOUR DOG-'
He pressed the wand to the Dark Mark, shaking, "Nagini… You-" he tried to reign in his fury, not truly directed at her, though it certainly could have been. She had returned to her serpent form and ignored him entirely as he called Fenrir and Antonin into the sitting room.
"Look at me," he commanded them.
He entered Greyback's mind first, searched it for any sign that he'd spoken to anyone about Nagini transforming or the Dark Mark on the Boy Who Lived. Finding nothing, he was Obliviated and sent from the room. He repeated the process with Dolohov.
'NOT YOUR DOG NOT YOUR DOG NOT YOUR DOG NOT-'
"…Nagini," he removed the mask, the hood, then the robes, the gloves, frantically.
She transformed and put her hands on the back of his neck, pulled him under.
"Why…" He tried to question but the anger would overcome him despite her magic.
He couldn't understand why she seemed to care about him. Wanted to help him.
"You are in there. He's alone in there, I've said…"
He stood up, pulling free of her grip, "He DESERVES IT! They are nothing!"
'NOT YOUR DOG NOT YOUR DOG-'
Tom pulled them out.
He found he was on the ground, not far from where he'd left himself. Tom picked them up and took them to the Room of Requirement, all life properly washed from his face and mind.
"It's done then. Hermione won't… Keep that to herself… Will she?" he whispered, deflated, mostly to himself, back in bed as though it had never happened, "But… He doesn't want his followers to know- for sure?"
"I am sorry," Tom whispered.
"What did you say to him?" Harry repeated.
"I do not think it was so much what I said… I should not have said anything, but I-"
He felt his rage, then understood it. He was his own oppressor. He didn't like himself. Harry didn't say anything to that, 'I told you so' didn't feel appropriate. He'd picked up the map off the floor and watched it, confirmed that the students had all been returned to their beds, wracking his brain for all of the names. Ginny, Hermione, Lavender, Parvatti, Neville, and Padma huddled together in the Gryffindor Common Room. As far as he could tell, they were all safe. More Death Eaters than usual roamed the halls.
He stayed in the room the next day and watched the students on the map, head counted relentlessly. Ginny didn't leave Hermione's side save for her classes, and the two of them went to the Owlery several times. They didn't come near the Room of Requirement. Apart from Ginny and Hermione, and Neville and Luna, the DA members had separated, splitting up.
Tom had summoned Kreacher and told him to bring six bottles of wine from who cares where, and they were two bottles deep an hour later. The sun was setting, and he was pacing the spinning room. Harry could feel Tom thinking it, that Ginny might not have been involved if he had used his mouth.
"It wouldn't have mattered because the rest of them are here anyway! Aren't they!? He would have summoned me there and she just wouldn't have- have- have-" he took another deep swig of wine, foul, but making his brain less brain.
"Probably," Tom conceded.
"Maybe this is- it. It, it. Like. It," Harry kept saying it, "It's… Over. Right? Maybe we need to… Leave… All-"
He made a noise somewhere between a ghost and an owl as adrenaline rocked him again at the thought of ever looking them in the eyes, any of them.
"Ugghh don't even start with the 'it's been over since blah blah whenever' I don't want to hear it," Harry snapped when he felt Tom winding up another demented victory speech, "You're a loser too."
He was nursing his drink, watching the door, watching Nagini read in the corner, still bitter with him. The entrance to the sitting room swung open and Narcissa entered, levitating more scrolls and letters than he wanted to see, lowered them to a wide coffee table and sat down.
"Forgive me, my Lord," she said, head bowed, already opening a letter.
"I called you to talk about your son. And your husband."
She flinched, so minutely he wouldn't have seen it, if he didn't know what to look for.
"…My Lord?" She glanced at him and then back at the letter, frozen in her hands.
"I have a job for Draco… And I do believe it is high time you were reunited with Lucius."
Her head snapped back up, eyes wide, meeting his for the barest second before she returned them once again to her hands, "Yes, my Lord, I- yes. Thank you."
'Hungry- hungry hungry- hungry HUNGRY- hungry- I'm hungryyy-'
"…Leave me, Narcissa, have Draco to me at your convenience, I do not consider it urgent," he sent her out, conversation cut short by the deranged thing in his head.
'HUNGRY I'M FUCKING HUNGRY HUNGRY-'
He crushed the glass in his hand, blood and bourbon on the floor.
Harry had started to check the Dark Lord's head regularly, every time he did Tom would inevitably yank them back out. He would diligently hide his thoughts afterwards, but Harry could tell that his mind was racing.
"He feeds it? Like we… With- with Liquida Tenebris? do you think? I want to see-"
"Do you?" Tom asked, incredulous, "…Really?"
Harry thought about it, "Oh, right, probably… Not."
Each time he examined the Dark Lord's mind he found something new, something that would make Tom go quiet while he -Harry assumed- re-examined everything, over and over, relentlessly.
"So… He's breaking into Azkaban?"
"That is where Lucius is," Tom said, but Harry got the sense he had other thoughts about it.
"…And?"
"Nothing."
It had been two days since he'd shown Ginny and Hermione… And he still had not left his room. He'd fitted it with an ensuite, with a tub very similar to the one at the Malfoy Manor, which was where he mostly kept himself, when he wasn't pacing the length of the room in panic.
Even Tom had given up on his 'Straighten your back and glare at them' plan, the fear that his Dark Mark was now common knowledge kept them both locked in, neither of them keen to take on what was now likely to be intense hatred. Ginny and Hermione had stayed close together, which would irritate Tom each time they watched it. Under different circumstances, Harry might have found his jealousy funny.
"…What do you think he's- What is he gonna make us… Do?" Harry swallowed three times as he asked.
"We need to prepare ourselves for the reality that you are the physical manifestation of the Horcrux that is driving him insane, that he will… Take that out on us."
"So terrible things, then?" Harry switched to Parseltongue with him.
"Yes."
Harry swallowed again, repeatedly, unable to dislodge the lump in his throat that was disturbing his breathing.
"What if we… Ran?"
"He would never stop looking. He would kill them all."
"Yeah… Yeah, he would," Harry noticed tears were streaming down the sides of his face, "I hate him."
"…I know."
He took out the map as he had countless times and confirmed that Ginny was alive. Alive and nowhere near him. Then he summoned the curse, shot it into his eyes directly with the palms of both hands and screamed.