Chapter Sixteen

Harry made his way down towards the dungeons thinking. He hadn't told Remus that Dumbledore had lied to him, it was a lie. There had been a lot of semi lies but Dumbledore had told him, flat out, that he hadn't thought about where Harry was going to go. That wasn't true.

It ironically brought home what Remus meant about lying with the truth. Harry had missed all the half lies and not quite truths but it was the complete lie he'd sort of seen through.

Harry couldn't imagine growing up at the Dursley's. They hated him; they always had and they hated anything to do with magic. Would they have even let him go to Hogwarts? Harry doubted it; he was pretty sure they would have shipped him off to some school that was more like a prison.

He paused outside Severus's office and took a deep breath, for the first time a horrible thought entered his mind. What if Severus wouldn't forgive him? Harry saw his hand was trembling as he lifted it to knock and put it down.

Instead he turned and scurried back up to the library to study.

Harry felt weird about staying over the holidays at Hogwarts. The Slytherin common room was going to be nearly empty. He'd been trying his best to be happy and cheerful in Potions class but still hadn't been able to bring himself to say how sorry he was, every time he tried the thought that Severus might not forgive him stopped him.

Lily had agreed to come to Hogwarts for Christmas day with the family but wasn't happy with Harry for staying over the holidays. Harry knew why and he couldn't blame her. She'd been worried about him going back to school in the first place and him staying was just yet more time she wasn't there to look after him. He also knew how cross she was over the way he'd treated Severus; he could see a serious conversation when she got to the school.

Danica had sent him a drawing of her and Lily playing in a forest. He missed her, she was still young but she knew he should have been home for Christmas and wasn't; she missed him.

Harry had put his holidays to good use though. He had not only caught up on all his classes and was very prepared for his exams; Harry had made up his mind that he had to have a way of defending himself from the Dementors.

Professor Dumbledore had assured him that they would be kept off the school grounds but Harry felt it was better to have his own protection. Remus had offered to help with a few private lessons over the holidays.

First day of the holidays, Harry had walked calmly down the nearly empty corridors and knocked on the Defence Against the Dark Arts door.

Remus opened it after just a few moments, smiling.

"Come on in Harry."

Harry walked into the classroom and closed the door behind him. Inside the room the desks had been moved to the sides and a large trunk stood in the middle of the room.

"How are you feeling today Harry?" Remus asked, leaning against a desk.

"I'm OK." Harry told him, "It's weird being in the school when it's so empty."

Remus nodded, "Yes I know the feeling. James, Sirius and I stayed on holiday in our, fifth year, and Peter as well. It was strange and there's always more Gryfindors that stay than Slytherins so at least we had a few more people around."

Harry nodded, "I've only seen a couple of others in the dorm today."

"Have you had any more letters?" Remus asked quietly.

Harry shook his head, "No. At least none that Professor Dumbledore has given me."

Remus nodded, "Good. Well shall we get started?"

Harry nodded and pulled his wand out.

"Today I'm going to teach you a simple but effective spell that will help repel a Dementor. This is advanced stuff Harry, if you can't get it right away, don't worry. There are teachers who can't do this."

"And you think I can?" Harry asked.

Remus paused for a moment, "Honestly I don't know but this is the best way to fight them. And you're pretty clever when you want to be." he smiled.

Harry grinned, "Well, we can hope."

Remus smiled, "The wording is fairly simple: Expecto Patronum." he said clearly.

"Expecto Patronum." Harry repeated back, before copying the spiral hand movements Remus had shown him.

"Very good." Remus told him, "That's not the difficult bit though; the spell creates a sort of happy shield for the Dementors to feed on rather than you and in order for that to work you have to think of a memory. The happiest memory you have. Let it fill you mind, you heart and soul."

Harry paused, "What if it doesn't work?"

Remus sighed and shrugged, "Dementors are nasty. They have one goal in life; to steal the happiness from everyone and everything they come across. This is the best way to protect yourself if you ever end up in that situation."

Harry nodded, "I better get good at it then." he held his wand up and let a memory flow through him.

"Expecto Patromun!" He shouted. Nothing happened.

"Well done." Remus told him, "I did say that this was difficult magic, try again."

After several more tries a thin wisp of pale light came from the tip of his wand.

"Well done Harry." Remus said, sitting forward impressed, "I didn't think you'd be able to get it so soon."

Harry smiled and lent against a nearby desk, it was more draining than it looked, "Well maybe I could fight of a baby Dementor."

Remus let out a snort of laughter, "You did well. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Harry nodded and gathered his stuff together. He practised as much as he could and two days later he was able to form a shield like glow in front of him.

"Ready to try it for real?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded, he wasn't feeling so drained any more; he found that alternating his happy memories seemed to be helping.

He took a deep breath and braced himself as Remus opened the chest in front of him. The air went cold and Harry felt him mind go blank for a moment as the dark, cloaked figure moved towards him.

"EXPECTO PATROMUN!" He shouted and the silver shield flew from the end of his wand. The Dementor stopped moving forward, banging against the shield; unable to get to Harry.

Harry smiled, proud of himself but this was so much more draining than just practising. He moved forward a few steps to try and force the Dementor back into the trunk but the shield faltered and faded away quickly.

Remus stepped in front of him and the Dementor quickly turned into a glowing white orb.

"Riddikulus!" Remus said with a flick of his wand, the orb turned into a balloon and flew into it's trunk, "Well, they'll be quite happy in here for a while."

"A boggart." Harry said, scratching the back of his head, "That was a good idea."

Remus smiled, "Even the best wizards don't want to have to practice this spell on an actual Dementor and I can't imagine we'd have many volunteers from them anyway."

Harry laughed. Remus handed him a large square of chocolate and gestured for him to take a seat.

"You're doing brilliantly. Looking forward to seeing your Mum tomorrow?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded, "I've missed them loads."

"I've heard you've still not been able to say sorry to Severus. I thought you were going to." Remus said carefully.

Harry sighed and rubbed his head, "I was. I don't know what I would do if he wouldn't forgive me."

Remus gave Harry a gentle smile, "He forgave me. And Sirius."

"But that took ages. I remember to arguments you all used to have." Harry pointed out.

Remus nodded, "I suppose three years must seem like a very long time to you still."

Harry wasn't sure how to take that. He felt that Remus was making a point of how young he was still but three years was a long time. Harry had felt even more guilty that his two happiest memories involved Severus; at least he thought they both do.

"What are you happy memories Harry?" Remus asked, as if he was reading his mind, "If you don't mind me asking. I'll tell you mine."

Harry smirked and nodded, "One is when Danica was born, well when I first met her. I'd never felt love like that before. She suddenly was everything in the world to me. Like a part of me, of my heart and soul was hers. I thought I was going to explode with happiness."

Remus smiled, "I remember. Sirius and I took you to the hospital to see them, just a few hours after she was born. Severus sat you down on one of those horrible plastic chairs in the room and helped you hold her. You started crying and Lily was all worried you were upset."

Harry nodded, "She was so tiny."

"What's the other one? You said that one is Danica, that suggests there's more." Remus asked.

"It's blurry. I was in my cot I think, but in my head it was a jail almost and I was crying. Screaming as loudly as I could but no one came. Then strong arms picked me up and held me close. It wasn't a smell I knew but I could hear his heart beat and I was safe." Harry said quietly.

"Harry… that was..." Remus couldn't find the words.

"That was the night Dad died. I know. And I know it was Severus who picked me up; who made me safe." Harry said.

"Nothing is broken so much so that it can't be fixed Harry." Remus told him, "You will get there."

Harry nodded, he hoped so.

"Fancy having another go?" Remus asked.

"Yeah why not?" Harry shook his head to clear the thoughts and stood up to face the Dementor /Boggart again.

"Knock knock?" Harry heard a voice outside the empty dorm room, breaking his sleep and dragging him back to the real world.

He sat up up and rubbed his eyes before putting his glasses on.

"Come in." He called.

The door cracked open and Danica ran in.

"Harry!" She called, jumping on his bed and giving him a large hug, "I've missed you." She told him, her head buried in his neck.

"I've missed you too." He told her.

Danica laughed and jumped off the bed, pulling the covers off him.

"You'd think it was a special day or something." Harry laughed.

Danica gave an exaggerated sigh in his direction and smoothed down her white dress, before tucking her hair behind her ears. It had grown even longer over since Harry had last saw her and now fell in a black waterfall down her back.

Harry grinned and climbed out of bed, carefully digging his white robes out of his trunk.

"Danica, Daddy's down stairs. Go play with him and Uncle Sirius for a little while OK? We'll be down in a minute." Lily smiled.

Danica nodded and skipped out the room leaving Lily and Harry alone. Lily walked over to Harry's bed and sat down. Harry sat down next to her.

"Well?" was all Lily needed to say.

Harry felt himself welling up, "I just… I got a letter and it said it was Dad's fault that James died."

Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "It's not true Harry. I can promise you that."

Harry nodded, "Remus explained a bit."

"It was an awful time and I miss your father everyday." She paused for a moment, "And when I first found out what Severus had done, telling that we were a threat, I blamed him as well; I felt betrayed and broken. I missed James so much I felt like my heart was breaking inside of me, but it wasn't Severus's fault."

Harry nodded, "I know that now."

"You need to tell him that Harry." Lily said kindly.

"What if it's not enough?" Harry shrugged, "I don't think I could deal with it if he said it wasn't good enough. At least this way… I..."

"At least this way you have the power. Sometimes you just have to trust and Severus... he's mellowed a lot over the years." Lily smiled, "He loves you."

Lily stood up to let Harry get dressed.

"Mum can I ask you a question?" Harry asked slowly.

Lily nodded, "Of course. Anything."

Harry chewed his lip for a moment, "If James suddenly was alive again, would you take him back?"

Lily let out a deep breath.

"I'd always thought of Severus as my Dad but this year, I don't know why, but it's been playing on my mind more and more and if James suddenly walked through the door… I don't know if I'd want him as my Dad." Harry let out. It was a scary thought, one he'd had buried for a while.

Lily gave him a sad smile, "For years after he died the answer would have been yes. In a second, but now… I don't think so." She told him, "I wouldn't cut him out of my life but honestly, he's not my husband any more. You and Severus and Danica are my family now."

Harry nodded, "Is it wrong I feel the same? You tried so hard but really I don't know who James is and sometimes, sometimes I just don't care."

Lily gave him a hug, "That's not wrong Harry. You were so young when he died, it's not a surprise that you don't feel a connection to him. You're thirteen. Honestly, I remember when I was that young and everything was spinning around my head. We want to cling to who we are; and if we don't know who that is it makes things difficult."

Harry smiled, "I love you Mum."

"I love you too." Lily said, holding him close.

Harry changed quickly and joined his family down stairs. Danica was sitting in a large pile of presents jumping up and down with excitement.

Harry sat next to her and smiled, "Do you want to open your presents first?"

Danica nodded and grinned, "Yes please." She grabbed the largest parcel she could find with her name on and tore off the wrapping paper.

Once all the presents where opened, Lily left Harry playing with Danica under Sirius and Severus's careful observation on the excuse of going to find Remus.

She walked quickly down the corridor, the letter from Pettigrew to Harry tightly gripped in her hand. She stood face to face with the ugly stone gargoyle, blocking the entrance to Dumbledore's office. Flicking her wand, her small kitten Patronus appeared before her.

"Tell the Professor I would like a word." Lily told it.

The kitten gave a small nod and hopped through the solid stone wall. A few moments later the stone gargoyle moved aside and Lily stepped on the moving stairs.

She knocked on the door which opened immediately. Professor Dumbledore was sitting in a large armchair with a book. He gave Lily a polite smile.

"What can I do for you Mrs Snape?" he asked, sitting up and putting the book to one side.

Lily took several deep breaths, "I want to know why you felt it was, in anyway, appropriate to give this letter to my son." she said holding it up.

Lily watched as a small flicker of annoyance passed through Dumbledore's eyes. He paused and moved over to his desk, gesturing for her to sit down. She didn't.

"It was addressed to him. I felt he had the right to know what happened." Professor Dumbledore said calmly.

"This isn't what happened." Lily pointed out, as calmly as she could which wasn't much, "You know that. You were one of the ones who fought for Severus to be pardoned. He was a double agent, any information he passed over he didn't think would cause any major damage. He didn't even know Harry was born!"

Dumbledore gave her a smile, "That doesn't mean Harry doesn't have the right to know what happened. If he chooses to forgive Severus he should have all the information to do so."

Lily rolled her eyes at the headmasters persistence, "Yes; ALL the information." she sighed and leant against the desk, "Peter wants to be released. That is the only reason he's playing these games. He made me come and see him over the summer as well."

"I didn't know that." Dumbledore said thoughtfully.

Lily was sure he was lying, there seemed to be almost nothing Dumbledore didn't know, "At the end of the day headmaster, with all due respect, Harry is my son. Any more letters for him, from Peter or anyone else sending them through you are to come to me first. I'll tell Harry and I take full responsibility if any of those letters do have to go back to Harry."

Dumbledore took a deep breath, Lily could tell he was angry, "Lily I really think-"

"I've made up my mind Albus. He is my son; I raise him." Lily said firmly, standing up, "Now I'll see you later at the meal?"

Dumbledore gave her a tight smile, "Of course. We've not got many staying this year, what with the Dementors around so I'm planning on all sitting at one table."

"A wonderful idea." Lily smiled at him and quickly left the office.

She made it to the bottom of the staircase before stopping to catch her breath. Her heart was pounding on the inside of her chest. That had taken far more effort than it should have done. She still didn't know why Dumbledore had ever given Harry that letter and she doubted she ever would. She shook her head to try and clear it, she wasn't going to let Pettigrew ruin this Christmas as well.

She felt herself about to cry and dived into a nearby classroom. The tears flowed quickly and silently. Suddenly her head was filled with the Christmas after James had died.

Severus and Sirius could barely be in the same room as one another with out a fight breaking out and Kreacher was still sulking about having such filth in his mistress's house. Lily had sat on the bed, in her dirty and still messy room, listening to the fights downstairs while Harry slept, feeling utterly alone.

She'd been working as hard as she could, although she was still weak, to make a new set of white robes for herself as her last ones had been burnt to ashes in the attack. But the next embroidery that was needed was her and James getting married.

She spent the day putting as much love into the stitches as she could manage as the tears pooled on the fabric. She'd cried so much the thread had run and now that small patch looked like a water colour.

She hadn't fixed it, even all these years later. That day she'd made up her mind that things had to change in that house. No more fights. Kreacher was part of the family and if anyone didn't like it they would answer to her.

She had also let go of part of her anger that day. By evening she'd laid on the bed, feeding Harry, exhausted. She was to tired to be sad all the time any more, to tired to be angry at the world she had to rebuild.

"Lily?"

Lily looked up to see Professor Trelawney standing in the doorway. Her large round glasses, staring at Lily.

Lily wiped her eyes and forced a smile, "Professor Trelawney, I haven't seen you in years."

Professor Trelawney nodded, "Yes, I prefer to stay in my tower, the fewer vibrations give me less headaches."

"I see." Lily smiled, "Why are you down?"

"I was looking into the tea leaves and saw that a mouse would soon escape it's trap if someone didn't act against it. I told the kitchen house elves but they were very sure that the kitchen was rodent free. I was on my way to inform Albus. We don't want mouse droppings in our food do we?" Trelawney said in her sing-song voice.

Lily tried not to laugh and looked very concerned, "No we don't. Someone could get really ill."

Professor Trelawney nodded gravely, "Stay safe my child." she said before walking away.

Lily smiled and shook her head, she made sure her face was clear of tears before heading off back down the corridor to find Remus.