(The Day I Met the Biggest Hillbillies in Existence, Almost Got Barbecued, and Agreed to Flash an Old Pervert. KILL ME.)
I AM LOSING MY FREAKING MIND.
Like, I thought meeting Goku was bad. I thought shooting a kid in the face and him walking it off was the worst thing that could happen. I thought sleeping next to a feral child who used me as a pillow was the lowest point of my life. BUT NO.
TODAY, I MET THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF BACKWOODS HILLBILLIES EVER, AND I THINK I LOST BRAIN CELLS JUST BY BEING NEAR THEM.
First of all, we roll up to this mountain, and guess what? IT'S ON FIRE. Like, the whole thing! Like, who just lives on top of a BLAZING DEATH TRAP and thinks that's normal?!
Oh, but then the biggest caveman I have EVER SEEN starts swinging an axe at us. This dude is built like a whole apartment complex, and he's just screaming about "intruders" and how he's gonna split us in half. HELLO?! WE'RE KIDS! (Well, I'm a teenager, which is practically an adult, but still.)
AND THEN—OH MY KAMI—I meet his daughter.
I just—words fail me.
This girl is riding a whole dinosaur like it's a Vespa and hurling laser boomerangs at us while screaming something about "husbands" and "honor." And the SECOND she lays eyes on Goku, she's all "Ooooh, he's cute!"
SWEETIE, HE HASN'T SHOWERED SINCE BIRTH.
And then she starts giggling about marrying him because, apparently, one mountain hick recognizes another, and I am so done.
Oh, and guess what? Her dad? The fire-castle guy? YEAH, HE ACTUALLY KNOWS THE GUY WE NEED TO FIND—Master Roshi, that creepy old hermit. But do we get to just ask him to put out the fire? NOOOOO.
We have to find him first. And he lives on some tiny island in the middle of the ocean because of course he does.
This journey is literally trying to kill me.
—Bulma