The final moments of the competition ticked away, and somehow – against all reason, logic, and divine interference – Snik Snak had managed to salvage their dish.
The once chaotic blend of celestial-infused ingredients and practical, well-balanced cooking had fused into something that looked…mostly edible. The broth no longer glowed like a miniature sun, the spices weren't actively fighting for dominance, and most importantly, the damned singing basil had finally shut up.
Snik Snak wiped the sweat from his brow, flicking a bit of flour off his snout. "All right. Not the worst disaster I've been involved in. Might even be food."
"A triumph of balance! Mortal precision and divine guidance working in harmony," Jophyr smiled down at their creation.
"Nah. It's 'cause I put out fourteen separate magical fires and countered half your blessings before they turned the stew into a celestial summons."
Jophyr chuckled. " A mere matter of perspective."
From across the kitchen, Gribz, who had been watching the duo's work with growing irritation, let out an annoyed grunt. "Bah! Ain't no way dat slop gonna be better den Gribz's Ultimate Recipe!"
The goblin chef dramatically lifted the lid from his own cauldron, releasing a plume of thick, pungent steam. The crowd leaned in, gasping in awe at the deep, rich color of Gribz's stew. Even the judges whispered among themselves, nodding with approval.
"Gotta admit, that actually looks…kind of impressive," Snik Snak frowned.
"Fear not, my friend!" Jopher placed a reassuring hand on Snik's shoulder. "Our dish is infused with passion, perseverance, and just a touch of celestial grace!"
"Yeah? I'd prefer if it was infused with better odds."
The emcee's voice rang out, loud and clear over the roaring crowd. "TIME'S UP! SPOONS DOWN, CHEFS!"
Snik Snak and Jophyr exchanged a glance, then turned to their cauldron, staring at their final product. A slight shimmer still lingered on the surface of the stew, and every now and then, a tiny spark of golden light flickered through the broth. It wasn't glowing ominously anymore, and as far as Snik Snak could tell, it wasn't sentient, which was a big step up from five minutes ago.
The competition was over. Now, it was up to the judges.
Jophyr grinned, arms crossed in satisfaction. "May justice prevail!"
"May it at least not kill anybody," Snik Snak added, rubbing his temples.
A low rumble echoed from across the kitchen arena. All eyes turned to Gribz's station where the goblin chef stood proudly next to the large pot on the stove. Another rumble. Then the pot moved.
Snik Snak's tail stiffened. "Uh…is that normal?"
Before anyone could respond, the bubbling surface of Gribz's stew lurched upward, sprouting glistening, claw-like appendages made entirely of thick, gelatinous broth. A grotesque, gurgling mouth formed at the center, glowing eyes blinking into existence across its shifting form. The air filled with the stench of over-fermented goblin magic and way-too-spicy seasoning.
The stew roared.
Pandemonium erupted in the kitchen as the living food beast surged forward, knocking over cauldrons and swiping at goblins with steaming-hot appendages. With a gleeful cackle, Gribz threw his arms in the air. "Now dat's what I call a dish wit' flair!"
"That's what I call an abomination!" Snik Snak yelped, dodging a flying glob of weaponized stew.
With a terrible slorp, the monster swung one of its dripping limbs and completely obliterated Bing and Bong's stations, sending pots, ingredients, and goblin chefs flying in all directions. The twins let out identical squawks before disappearing under a tidal wave of sentient stew.
Jophyr gasped, eyes wide. "This dish has transcended mortal cuisine! It is now a foe!"
"You think?" Snik Snik retorted, throwing up his hands.
The stew beast gurgled menacingly and lunged toward their station.
"We need weapons!" Snik Snak shouted, snatching the nearest thing he could find – a particularly hefty wooden spoon. Jophyr, without hesitation, armed himself with their ladle, his aura flaring as he wielded it like a knight ready for battle.
The audience screamed as the duo squared off against the rampaging stew monster, utensils raised, ready to fight for their survival.
The stew beast lashed out, flinging a glob of molten-hot broth toward Jophyr who barely managed to deflect it with a well-timed swing of ladle. There was a flash of holy radiance, sending the scalding stew splattering against the stone walls of nearby buildings. Steam hissed as the arena filled with the overwhelming scent of over-seasoned goblin spices.
"It's adapting!" Jophyr shouted, dodging a chunk of gelatinous dumpling that shot past his head.
"It's not adapting, it's just angry!" Snik Snak growled, leaping onto the counter to avoid a tidal wave of gooey sauce. He twirled the wooden spoon like a dagger, then threw it at the beast. The projectile crackled with infused magic energy as it soared toward what might have been the stew beast's head.
The monster responded by roaring directly in Snik Snak's face, sending a gust of garlic-and-fire-pepper breath that nearly knocked him off the countertop.
"It's got goblin breath!" the kobold coughed, waving a claw in front of his snout. "We gotta take it down fast!"
The stew beast whipped a noodle-like tendril at the Empyrean's legs, aiming to trip him. Jophyr vaulted into the air, the ladle glowing as he spun. "Divine purification shall cleanse this abomination!"
He came down hard, slamming the utensil into the monster's core. A burst of celestial energy erupted on impact, sending ripples through the beast's gelatinous body. For a moment, it seemed to shudder. Then it rebounded, sending Jophyr flying straight into a vat of whipped troll cream.
Snik Snak, now dripping in sauce, rolled his eyes. "Real purifying. You gonna stay in the cream or you gonna fight?"
"A minor setback!" Jophyr emerged from the vat, covered head to toe in fluffy white cream. He swiped at his eyes.
The monster sensed an opportunity and launched toward the distracted celestial.
Snik Snak shouted a warning and grabbed the nearest object – a massive, cast-iron frying pan – and hurled it with pinpoint accuracy. The pan struck the beast right in its soupy face and it reeled backward in a stunned, wobbly mess.
The crowd roared with laughter and cheers as the duo pressed their advantage. Jophyr was back on his feet, vision clear, and Snik Snak wielded his oversized spoon like a quarterstaff.
Brute force wasn't going to cut it, Snik Snak realized. With a flick of his claws, he muttered an incantation, and a gust of freezing air burst forth from his outstretched hand. The spell struck the stew monster's side, causing parts of its gooey body to harden and crack.
"Ha! It doesn't like cold!" Snik Snak cackled. "Jophyr, keep it busy!"
The Empyrean charged in, swinging his ladle in arcs that sent flashes of celestial energy across the arena. Each strike sizzled against the beast's form. It gurgled in frustration and absorbed the divine energy, growing hotter and angrier.
"You're making it spicier!" Snik Snak groaned. "We need flavor control, not divine purification!"
"Understood! I shall turn to a more…subtle approach."
Jophyr raised his free hand and summoned a cascading torrent of cool, fresh water directly onto the monster's sizzling back. Steam erupted from the impact, making the stew beast screech in surprise. It flailed wildly, slipping and wobbling as parts of it gelatinized under the sudden temperature shift.
"Yeah! That's more like it!" Snik Snak cheered. Thinking fast, he reached into his snack pouch, rummaged around, and pulled out a bag of crushed ice he'd been saving for emergencies. "Let's see if this helps!"
He tossed the ice straight into the monster's gaping maw.
The reaction was immediate. The beast froze mid-motion, its once-roaring form solidifying in an instant. Bubbling stopped. Aggressive flailing ceased. For a moment, everything went still.
Then, with a final, pitiful gurgle, the monstrous stew collapsed onto the floor, now a perfectly set gelatin mold.
The crowd fell into stunned silence.
Then uproarious cheering erupted as goblins hollered and clapped at the unexpected, yet oddly satisfying defeat.
Snik Snak wiped sauce off his snout and gestured toward the now-jiggling mass of congealed stew. "Well…I'm not sure if it's edible, but at least it ain't trying to eat us no more."
"A glorious battle," Jophyr agreed as he brushed cream from his shoulders. "And a worthy conclusion. Let us see if the judges are brave enough to try it."
The judges exchanged wary glances after the chaos that had reigned only minutes before. Sir Broggleton the Third, ever the picture of noble composure, stepped forward with his spoon. "A chef's courage is measured in his willingness to taste the unknown. And I, dear friends, am quite brave," he paused and eyed the gelatinous mold, "I will try this…'holy' dish first."
He dipped his spoon into Jophyr and Snik Snak's dish, lifting a shimmering broth with a golden hue. As soon as it touched his lips, his eyes widened, his pupils dilated, and a holy aura erupted around him.
The crowd gasped as Broggleton froze mid-chew, his eyes glazing over as he stared blankly in front of him. His hands trembled, spoon slipping from his grasp as he whispered, "I…I have seen beyond the veil."
The other judges leaned in nervously. "And…what did ya see?" asked Grakna the Girthy.
Broggleton's lip quivered. "A soup so divine, yet so incomprehensible, it has rewritten the laws of flavor itself. This is not mere food. This is an experience. I have tasted eternity."
Snik Snak tilted his head. "…So is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
The ogre blinked rapidly as though waking from a trance. He shuddered. "I don't know. This is an experience, but does that make it food? I shall require a moment of contemplation."
Jophyr puffed up with pride and turned to the kobold wizard. "You see? Divine cooking is truly a revelation!"
"Yeah, yeah, great. You nearly made him ascend, but we still gotta win." Snik Snak turned as the other judges approached. Grakna the Girthy slurped noisily and smacked his lips, waiting. When he did not experience the same as Boggleton, he snorted and moved on to Gribz's gelatinous stew.
His reaction was immediate. His eyes widened, his ears perked up, and he let out a deep, satisfied grunt. For a long moment, he chewed thoughtfully, smacking his lips, before finally exhaling like he'd just tasted home-cooked nostalgia. "Hoo boy, dat's got some kick! Feels like I just got punched in da mouth by my own grandma – an' I like it!"
Gribz crossed his arms proudly. "A secret blend o' goblin spices and a lil' bit o' chaos. Just how da ancestors did it."
The final judge, the swamp hag Madam Ploopha, finally tasted Snik Snak and Jophyr's dish. She smacked her lips thoughtfully, squinting at the large Empyrean. "Lad, it's got a glow to it, an' food shouldn't glow."
Jophyr frowned. "But surely food is meant to be both nourishment and enlightenment."
"Nourishment, yes. Enlightenment? That's what libraries are for."
Jophyr opened his mouth to argue, but then he hesitated. He looked at the judges, then at Snik Snak, then down at their dish. "Perhaps…divine magic does not inherently make food good."