CHAPTER XLVII
The day had come, and the first assignment would be an acid test for both; neither could fail or everything could go to hell. Notwithstanding that he'd been spared from punishment not long ago, the soldier knew the red-haired twat wasn't the only disappointed one; whether it was envy, fear or mere hate, Levi still had plenty enemies, including a couple creeps in the high command that he didn't trust, or those against people from learning the truth they sacrificed so much for. On another hand, there was also the tiny detail about him being an Ackerman, which would make Elia a target. And last but not least, their enemies across the sea would do anything to bind him by the hands and feet, unaware that he'd have to sacrifice her if it came to that because she'd made him promise.
Not a chance, he declared, unwilling to let that happen, and for that, their relationship had to remain secret.
Up, you slacker! His inner voice ordered, bringing him back to present, where he still hadn't gotten up from the chair where he fell asleep.
Not bad, Levi thought as he checked the clock on the wall, realizing he had a little over three hours of sleep thanks to the little flask on his desk containing medicine she'd prescribed and prepared for him a month ago, to help with the nightmares.
Ugh! Sadly, the concoction tasted like hell, leaving his mouth drier and stickier than normal, which was disgusting.
Suspecting training wasn't going to help much today, the soldier focused on discipline and routine instead. And after stretching for a few minutes, he picked up his toothbrush and towel, and headed to the showers, glad that he'd have the place for himself now that half of their current forces were on mission, securing the perimeter of the first two bases set to initiate the reclaim of Wall Maria.
Breakfast came after leaving his clothes ready and boots shining; hungry or not, food was necessary. Besides, today wasn't the day he'd start wasting a meal when he'd known how valuable these are. But as expected, finishing his oatmeal porridge took longer than usual, and the noise around wasn't helping, especially when it grew louder within each second. So much that counting on three dozen new officers recently transferred wasn't making him so happy anymore. Not because of the never-ending morning greetings coming from each as they entered, despite choosing a seat as far away from the door as possible. No. What bothered the man was the subject these discussed among themselves, related to the arrival of the medical team, but most importantly, certain moronic enthusiasm for the female gender.
"I'm counting at least one of your nurses will join" Connie's wish caught his attention. He wasn't far, waiting for his ration in the line.
Just breathe… Levi told himself, trying not to give a shit but the kid's idiotic expression, that he got to see in the glass of the window that connected the kitchen, ruined it.
"Wow, I bet they're gorgeous if you turn this red already" the brat teased Jean, next to him "Waiting for one in particular?" he pressed, nudging the other suggestively.
"What I'm waiting is for you to shut up" uttered Jean, exchanging a brief glance with him, clearly getting the silent I-didn't-take-you-to-the-hospital-for-stupid-distractions written on his face.
"Daydreaming is no crime, you know?" Connie replied, completely missing what the other kid did despite looking in the same direction, curious to know what made him nervous "Come on! The Captain doesn't give a damn about this".
"One day you won't have to worry about shaving your head, man. I hardly think you'll keep it" his friend sighed, exasperated "Not that it'd make much difference since you barely use it".
"You always make a fuss over everything, dude!" the bald brat exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at Jean "Let me remind you how disappointed you were when Hange chose Sasha to be a group leader along with one of the new guys".
"Pff! I was just worried that she might screw up" the other came up with, gobbling down a muffin with a mix of superiority and indifference he showed whenever wanting to hide embarrassment.
"Yeah, right" Connie snorted and laughed, though his expression turned somewhat thoughtful later "Why wouldn't they pick Armin in the first place? He's the polite and smart one".
"Only to a certain point" Jean indicated as they moved to the end of the room, seeking privacy but he still managed to perfectly hear the rest "Armin's still too shy. And Flock's poison has taken a toll on him; he might not harass him in front of our superiors but it doesn't mean he's stopped".
"Yeah. I told him the other day to knock it off but Armin told me it was okay" Connie said, and Levi knew what came next.
Unfortunately, this was a fight the kid had to deal with himself. Telling Flock to cut it off wasn't going to help, not to mention he wasn't going to be working closely with them for the next three months so, the only way out of it for good was for Armin to stop listening to the brat.
As for Sasha, she was the best choice as long as she had no food in sight; unlike the rest, she behaved like the officer she was just fine. Flock wasn't even considered; Eren often seemed somewhere else, whereas Mikasa trained like a maniac while keeping an eye on him. And finally, this duo… let's just say these two idiots got easily distracted by their fucking hormones, especially after learning that most of the new medical staff consisted of women, so no.
"Tch! I didn't have to hear this much crap before" the soldier grumbled to himself, closing his eyes for a few seconds to rub his temples.
That's because you didn't care about that subject before, my friend, Erwin's voice popped up in his head, but what annoyed him most was the comical tone.
He's right, though, his own voice pointed out, with sarcasm.
Snorting, the soldier recalled the old use of his magnificent selective hearing, continuously helping him ignore topics like physical attraction or love at first sight shit that people displayed like an open book; Gelgar used to be a great example. Man, if he counted the times he made a fool of himself over women he'd just met, he'd run out of fingers!
But you get it now, don't you? His conscious said.
Yeah. He did, and it bothered him a lot but couldn't help it. And the worst part was that, even though the healer preferred masculine attire to wear, she still stood out. Maybe it was the simplicity of her natural beauty, or that serene and reliable attitude, or a mixture of all that and more. He had no idea, but Elia didn't go unnoticed, and that unnerved him. Nobody had the right to look at her like that, to desire her like he did, and fighting his instinct to tear out whoever's eyes dared doing so was going to be one of the hardest things from now on.
Sighing tiredly, he quickly returned the wooden tray with two empty cups and bowl to walk out of there, dying for some more tea in the quiet of his room before getting properly dressed. He took out today's itinerary from his pocket, given by Hange's new assistant during breakfast; the brat probably feared a painful reprimand from him considering that paper should have reached him the previous evening.
"Be on time next time" he warned instead, unconsciously glaring angrily at the kid that went pale as he nodded and stuttered about seven apologetic sentences before basically running off.
As if I needed it, he thought bitterly, having feared this day for weeks.
Fortunately, Hange would do most of the talking and sharing of information about the program, including the administrative part that he'd be part of, in which these people would have to sign the usual declaration of enlisting on their own accord, a letter of confidentiality that prohibits disclosing any plans without the Commander's permission, and last but not least, the paperwork regarding their very possible, premature deaths. The rest of the evening consisted in how they'd be distributed and the rules involved.
Once in his room and ready half an hour in advance, Levi decided to go all the way up, to the rooftop for some fresh air, where he'd wait until the cart that would bring her, and other medical staff, was on sight.
Forget it! The cautious side of him yelled when his thoughts drifted to dangerous territory, such as figuring out how to get to talk to her that night.
And it was right. Sneaking to her bedroom, a shared one no less, would be risky and unnecessary when he'd see her the following morning.
Man, it was going to be weird to have her this close on a daily basis without being able to get closer! Weird and tortuous, but there was no other way. He swore he'd respect her decision and training and treat her the same he'd do with any other. She'd asked for it and deep down knew he'd obey her wish because he deep down admired her.
"I knew I'd find you here" the soldier heard a familiar voice coming from behind, a few feet away, just as he spotted the transportation turning five blocks away "Come on. I don't want them to think I ain't punctual".
"They should learn from day one" he commented, turning to Hange. She wore an identical uniform, the formal type, only slightly sloppier "Where's your honorary necklace?"
"Aaaghh, damn it! I put in my pocket while I brushed my teeth" the brunette exclaimed as she frantically searched for the object and put it on "Trying to act like a Commander is tiresome, you know?".
"Stop trying and just be one" he offered, not overly excited about it, tired of losing the people he cared about "You got what's needed so you'll get the hang of it without even noticing".
"Wish I could say the same about you smiling" she teased, sensing dejection in his tone "What's wrong?" straightforwardness was always better with someone like him.
Now I get it, he recalled that night in the woods, when Elia lamented being unable to share their secret with their close ones.
"Nothing. Just wondering how long these lot will last" that was only a half-truth. He knew the program itself would work. Hange's ideas, though risky, rarely went wrong.
"Hopefully more than a day" she answered, placing her hands on her hips as she tilted her head, squinting eyes at him "If you don't scare them away with that face, of course".
"Leaving over something that ridiculous would be shameful" he said, deadpan. Then simply walked past her, towards the hallway that led to the main stairs.
"They're not soldiers, Levi. It's you who'll help them become such, but first we need them to stay" she said as she followed.
"As soon as they sign the paperwork, it's over. Desertion is punishable by jail, and you know it" he reminded, recalling one of the several reasons he'd been against Elia's enlistment; once you become part of the Legion, your sole way out is retirement or death, and no one had made it to the first.
"See? They could change their minds before that" she pointed out with certain doubt in her tone, and all of a sudden, the woman took his hand and squeezed it hard "Please, man! Be nice. We need them".
Rolling his eyes, the soldier ditched the acting-friendly shitty idea. Best always was to show oneself as real as possible; it was the only way to gain their trust and the other way around.
You know she's just trying to lighten the mood, Levi, Erwin's voice said. Though he thought it was mostly to soothe her own spirit. Hange may have been a lunatic, but she wasn't stupid.
"Shup up and let's go" he muttered, getting it into his head that nothing would be the same again.
Dropping the childish attitude, she smirked and followed.
Five minutes later, the two officers found themselves facing a dark-brown double door to the best room in the building, at least for this sort of meeting; Hange chose it for the several windows it had, getting more sunlight than the other, whereas he recommended it because of the space, enough for a small crowd.
Right next to it stood one of his subordinates, also formally dressed, performing the corresponding military salute in their presence.
"At ease, soldier" Hange said, so she relaxed a little.
"The 50 volunteers are inside, Commander" Sasha informed, handing his friend two rolled-up pieces of paper "As requested, their resumes are already in your office and the Captain's" she added.
Judging by the gleam in her brown eyes, she was still amazed by how many people showed up. For a moment, he sensed she'd been about to ask something but the instant she glimpsed in his direction, she sure thought better not.
"Excellent!" the brunette exclaimed, grabbing the handle but stopped for a second and looked to the girl again "Good job, Sasha. You may go get some extra breakfast…"
The ear-to-ear smile on the brat's face vanished almost immediately when she noticed he'd raised an eyebrow, reprovingly, and she automatically straightened.
"… come back in half an hour. Roy and you need to make sure they have their measurements taken for the uniforms" Nodding twice, the girl looked at him, making sure he had no quarrel with that before heading down the hallway, taking a shortcut to the kitchens.
"Very well. Shall we?" Hange said as soon as the girl disappeared, giving him an enthusiastic wink before turning the object to push a door.
Notwithstanding he wasn't prone to smile, Levi smirked on the inside, enjoying the immediate cease of whatever conversations were taking place in there. But instead of following his comrade after closing the large piece of wood behind them, he chose to stay near the entrance, hands behind his back.
"Good morning, everyone…" the brunette left the objects onto the desk behind her, opened arms and smiling widely at the candidates in front of her. Not what he'd have done but given the abysmal personality differences, it made sense. This was her style "My name is…"
The speech, he'd learned it by heart at this point, so he dedicated to observe these potential recruits standing in front of them, the same that had been just granted permission to take a seat. Mostly their ability to concentrate and understanding, for he could tell when someone was lost; people tended to secretly look around, seeking for others in the same predicament, whether it was not to feel too stupid or lonely. And though it may sound simple, it was precisely this sort of detail what help giving away their true nature. But today, most of the faces there seemed up to par, at least as far as determination was concerned, for no one showed fear or timidity when they met his gaze.
They may do fine… he thought, realizing they knew what a battlefield was; theirs was different but just as brutal.
It was then his eyes finally dared looking at her, located at the back of the group, all the way to the left, by the corner. For some reason, even though her eyes never left Hange, something bothered him. There was no trace of excitement in them; a very odd behavior considering he'd seen it before and now was all gone.
Perhaps she's finally getting why you were against the idea, a part of him offered, barely hopeful.
Maybe, he thought. However, just when he'd been about to move onto the guy next to her, his gaze met hers for the briefest of seconds.
Levi couldn't help but study her, hating these many witnesses that stopped him from getting closer and ask. He had not liked one bit how dull the gray in her eyes seemed. And her face turning completely inscrutable hadn't help.
Something's up, he thought.
The only thing that's going on is your head losing it, rat, the mean side of him said, downplaying it despite his senses told otherwise, especially after noting how she avoided exchanging another glance.
She's just being careful, this time his rational self offered, helping him relax.
Yeah, that sure was it. Elia simply didn't want to blow this on the first day, but the stress had got him hallucinating. So, the soldier moved on to observe the last individuals.
"… first, you'll have a five-minute interview, which is a mere formality, and Captain Levi and me will carry them out. Just so you know, he's actually going to be your instructor the first two months…" the brunette said, discreetly beckoning him to come stand next to her, which he did. "Ummm, yes?" she paused to allow one of the men to speak. It was the tallest of the lot.
"What is the interview for? Had we not been accepted already?" the guy asked, forcing him to step into the conversation.
"You deaf?" the soldier said as he moved a step ahead, arms crossed, quite menacing.
"No".
"Huh?" it wasn't that he didn't get it; it was a warning. One the other clearly got.
"No, sir".
"Good" he conceded, and gave one of his deadly looks to all the faces in front of them "Never forget this: from now on, you're under military jurisdiction" even he had to address high-ranked little shits with respect so, no exceptions "And to those who haven't removed the wax out of your ears, listen carefully: the interview is part of the protocol. Not to state how perfect for the job you are, but to tell you to go back where you came from if you lack the balls for it. That's the truth. Are we clear?"
Everyone, including the man he'd scolded, nodded immediately, dead silent. Even the ones that were perfectly collected had stared with wide eyes, getting slightly nervous. But it was necessary; the sooner they got nonsense and insubordination were off the table, the better.
"Ummm, what Captain Levi means is that we need to discuss terms, just so you're completely aware of our reality before going through it" the brunette added in a friendlier but also serious tone, getting the general attention back to her "And for that, we'd like to get to know you a little, and discuss together your coping skills, because training will be hard, and battles even harder".
There was no need to explain. Most of those darting their eyes in his direction, comprehended already his teaching methods would be hard, if not deadly, so they needed to learn quickly. Not solely to tend to the wounded but also know how to move and fight if needed.
"As I was saying, we need the captain's help if we don't want to fall behind on today's schedule considering your training should begin tomorrow" his friend said "Plus, it's important that you read and sign the official forms required, including a confidentiality agreement".
The following ten minutes were all about answering questions, though everyone made sure not to address him. Not that he cared, anyway.
"Once you're interview is over, one of our officers will take you to our tailor's department for your new uniforms and then back here, where we'll gather before having lunch with some of our comrades in the mess hall" the Commander informed, listing the announcements she had to make with the help of her fingers "The rest of our evening will consist in an introduction about your training plan, moving onto a brief tour through the facilities that will end at the barracks, where you'll sleep when in town".
Each of them nodded in understanding, some looking excited while others were somewhat wary. Elia was neither, making him uneasy. And his sole chance to ask why vanished three nights ago, when they distributed the two groups and Hange claimed the healer for herself.
Focus! He commanded himself, burying the tiny voice at the back of his head telling him something was off. It was his turn to talk.
"If you hear your name, follow me" Levi ordered, grabbing one of the scrolls Sasha gave his friend before, the one with his seal "The others must stay here and await instructions".
They all got up then, emitting diverse phrases of obedience in response. All desynchronized.
"It's fine" Hange assured at the general embarrassment, waving her hands ridiculously in front of her "Yes, sir will suffice from now on".
"Yes, sir!" Well, it wasn't perfect but decent enough at least.
And so, fourteen women and eleven men followed him to his office in absolute silence, clearly trying their best not to not fuck it up, just like him, though in a very different aspect.
The true challenge isn't even this, the voice in his head said, bitterly.
Knock it off and just do your job! he commanded.
An hour later and as foreseen, Levi discovered most of these people were doing this based on personal traumas, which he had nothing against except for the few that ended up treating him like some sort of counselor despite remaining as stoic as ever. In the end, he discarded three; the first was a dick and a coward who didn't understand he wasn't going to be under special protection; the second broke down in tears after not shutting his hole for five minutes straight despite the lifted eyebrow; and the third was a lunatic that seemed too eager to get his hand on corpses. Actually, there could have been a fourth, but the man stood his ground when he told him he wasn't scout material, passing the test. As for the rest, they all signed the paperwork, aware of the consequences and possible outcomes.
Hange surely won, he pondered, remembering a bet the brats had made, trying to figure how many would be leaving today from each group.
For obvious reasons, he wasn't supposed to know but Sasha and Connie weren't the brightest when discussing things, especially inside the library, where it was even easier to hear a private conversation. They even giggled while imagining how effortlessly he'd scare people away.
It'll soon be midday, he thought when he looked outside, then got up from his chair, to stretch a little before get going now that the last applicant disappeared behind the door.
On his way back to the meeting room, the soldier saw two of them still waiting in the hallway when he passed near Hange's office, making him wonder how things went there. Elia sure approved, meaning she should be there with the others. Nevertheless, when he got there, the soldier realized she was nowhere to be seen.
"At ease" he said when all stopped talking.
Not that it made much difference. The few that dared to mutter something kept glancing in his direction, making sure it was fine with it, but in view of the fact that he headed to the back of the room and monumentally ignored them, the others joined.
She was probably still inside, he assumed as he stood by the window, his hearing vigilant of the closest hallway.
Yeah, that was it. Stoltz should be one of the names at the bottom of Hange's list anyway. Besides, calling on her near the end was definitely Hange's idea, just so she could have a few more minutes alone with her. After all, the excitement of having her here had only grown within each day.
Eight minutes later, he noted someone's steps getting closer, but the person that walked in wasn't the one he'd wanted to see. Still, he thought of the possibility that his friend might have asked her to wait, surely wishing to take her measures with her own hands. Unfortunately, that idea went straight to hell when a familiar voice came through the wall, sounding somewhat muffled as she spoke to man and a woman that most certainly wasn't his woman; unmistakably, it wasn't Elia's voice.
Damn it! He cursed on the inside at the sight of his comrade and the last candidates coming in, no Elia nearby.
Taking a piss, maybe? He pondered, trying to chill.
Meanwhile, Hange was busy congratulating the ones that made it. Problem lied in the fact that five minutes passed and the healer still hadn't shown up.
Given the lack of an explanation and the shitty situation of being unable to as for a straight answer, the soldier didn't even bother to restrain an exasperated sigh and frown. Thankfully, the rest of the room only took it as a sign of boredom.
You'll figure somethin' over lunch, the cunning voice in his head assured as they all headed to the mess hall.
The first twenty minutes turned out to be the most tedious he'd had to wait in a long time, withstanding all the noise and chitchat around while sitting at the head of the table alongside his friend.
Evidently, Levi managed to come up with a plan but to make it work and get the information without raising any suspicion, being nasty was the only option.
Either that or suck it…
"You seem constipated" he commented whilst the others were distracted with a welcoming dessert that had been announced by the brunette a minute ago, now chewing a slice of the apple pie with the amount of energy of a toothless hag "Go relieve yourself, four eyes. I can handle this in the meantime. As long as no more interviews are involved, though".
Hange sluggishly smirked, understanding he referred to all those who'd mistaken it for therapy. Still, the gesture looked awkward, forced even.
"Your fixation with feces worries me, man. Go see the doc" the Commander sniffed. Then scratched the back of her head before giving a response "And no, I'm fine. Thanks".
"Why the ass face then?" he asked, discreetly taking a look around before back at her "You won the brats' bet, didn't you?"
"What?" this time Hange faked confusion but gave up when she saw his derisive expression. She sighed loudly "Okay. I'm just a little bummed".
"You can't expect we wouldn't have walkaways…" the soldier shrugged, dismissively "Besides, it was merely one on your side".
"I know but is not precisely that" she replied, making him squint in eyes for the cryptic behavior "I mean, it's true I lost one today, but it doesn't even count as desertion, you know?"
The soldier simply shook his head slowly, remaining deadpan on the outside. His insides were a whole other deal.
"Man, I can't explain!" Hange grumbled, grabbing the edge of the table.
"Why not?"
"Because…"
"All this fuss over a quitter?" he interrupted with sarcasm, raising an eyebrow.
"Hey, things aren't as simple as they seem sometimes, Levi" the brunette replied, ceasing the theatricality and getting really serious "Yours, for example… How many did you sent home today?"
"Three. And I couldn't care less because they were a pain in the ass" he confessed without hesitation or shame "More of a burden than an asset".
"Really? Sorry to hear it" the brunette commented, just as dejected.
"So, what's wrong with you then?" he pushed "For weeks all you did was drive me nuts about this morning and now you're like this?"
"Guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up" his friend uttered, with a sad half-smile "But I'm fine, Levi. Really. I just had certain expectations. That's all".
"Huh?"
"I already should have known things rarely turn out the way we want" Hange uttered, absentmindedly swirling the spoon inside her empty bowl until he grabbed her hand and made her stop, making her look up. She let out a long breath of air and continued "Do you remember the person who helped Moblit and I during the Uprising? The one I run into at the orphanage?"
At last! He'd been a minute away from grabbing his friend by the shoulders to shake the freaking story out of her.
This anxiety was taking a toll on his bloody stomach, where the pit grew larger despite, he seemed as uninterested as ever on the outside with the help of a shrug.
"Well, she told me weeks ago she'd enlist, but when she came in today, it was just to tell me that she wasn't going to".
Wait a minute… What?! Elia isn't going to become a scout? He wondered, relieved.
Yeah, but why? Another side of him asked, alarmed.
After everything, his attempt to put a distance between them, the fights and conversations that led to a truce, and now Elia came up with this?
Bullshit!
It was a miracle his friend had not been herself or she might have seen the shock that he quickly hid, deciding plain disdain might get him more answers.
"Told you. Braggers are all the same, unreliable and full of crap. Better not have those anywhere near us" he said and practically gulped half cup of his tea, wishing it was boiling hot, so he could punish his filthy tongue for words he didn't mean. Not about Elia at least.
"No, no, no" Hange assured, shaking her head slowly, then glared at him "Do not badmouth her, Levi. Believe me. She has a very good reason but it ain't something I can disclose" he didn't know exactly what sort of face he made at that, but perplexity surely was written all over it "Let's just say that it's not that she doesn't want to become one of us, but more like can't".
And with that, she grabbed the metallic tray with an empty plate and excused herself to go make sure the barracks were ready before taking the new members there. Meanwhile, his mind was in shambles, trying to make sense of what she'd said.
She can't? It was absurd. How come she didn't say so last time? Was this a last-minute change of heart? The hell was happening!? If the brunette thought that was enough, she was mental.
You're just mad 'cos she knows something you don't, the mean side of him pointed out.
It was right. Something was wrong, very, very wrong. Yet the sole person who could explain was the same he wouldn't get to see for another two weeks.
1 WEEK BEFORE
Notwithstanding the bathroom wasn't that far, it felt as if she'd run several miles to get there. Between the shock and the urgency, she couldn't even get to apologize for fleeing like that; had she done so, the result for sure would have been catastrophic. She barely managed to close the door without slamming it while her instincts commanded to practically throw herself to the toilet, fortunately not needing to worry about holding her hair, as usual, braided.
As expected, the process wasn't pleasant. Vomiting was among the things she hated the most; the violent nature of it, the heaves and that awful taste afterwards, not to mention the smell. Ugh, it was awful!
Not food poisoning, Elia thought, recalling a similar situation a few days ago yet she'd totally blamed it on the duck eggs that a client had given to her and Tom out of gratitude. But the instant her lips touched the glass and the dark liquor's aroma permeated through her nose, she comprehended what was going on.
Once again with an empty stomach, the young woman used what little energy she had left to crawl her way to the door, sitting on the floor with her back to it. Taking deep breaths was all she could do to calm the dizziness and a kind of exhaustion equivalent to working shifts all week, non-stop. So much so that she even lacked the strength to hug her legs.
Breathe, the healer said to herself, closing her eyes for a few moments to keep it up with the breathing exercises. She needed to recover soon, at least enough to go home and sleep an entire day.
Or the rest of my life, she thought, battling the jumble of thoughts overwhelming her.
You know there's no point in running away... her inner voice answered, reminding her that Garrett's mother had apparently come to the same conclusion.
"Elia, dear. Come to the living room once you feel better. I made some mint tea" she suddenly heard coming from the other side of the door, as if the woman had materialized out of nowhere.
"Thank you, Mrs. Holt" the healer replied, still too weak to dare getting up "I'll be there as soon as I can".
"It's okay, child. Take all the time you need" her hostess said and left.
Child... the word echoed in her head, making her experience a brand-new type of fear, one that wasn't even for herself.
A baby. She was pregnant. She was going to be a mom! Her eyes went immediately down, looking for her belly, still flat, making it even harder to assimilate this.
How was it possible that she hadn't figured it out when she knew so much about the subject? It was ridiculous.
No matter how well versed you are about something, it doesn't mean you'll always know everything, honey... her father's voice responded, though it was something he'd told many years ago.
Blurry eyed, Elia finally got to hug herself while the memories of her loved ones returned with higher intensity than usual, making her miss them more than ever. Her mother's kindness and wisdom, her father's temperance and guidance, and of course, Ilva's confidence and courage. Even though she'd learnt how to deal with it most of the time, today wasn't the case.
Hormones, the voice in her head declared. Though it made more sense, it didn't mean she missed them any less. Them or Levi, who'd been away longer than usual.
Come on! Think of something else. At least till you get home! The healer ordered herself, knowing she couldn't afford to cry here, or she'd never make it outside the bathroom.
Better analyze the situation, yes.
Her last menstruation occurred around two weeks after they'd departure to Shiganshina, only now she realized it hadn't been her actual period but the implantation kind of bleeding; not that frequent but it happened. However, two months have passed since, so how come she didn't notice she'd missed her last two periods?
Easy. You were under a lot of stress, Ilva's voice replied, reminding her work had not been the source of it but Griselda's utter discontent with her decision, as well as the nightmare incident and later breakup with Levi. Your anguish overshadowed everything else, sis.
My God! The healer exclaimed, eyes wide as she covered her mouth with both hands and did the math. She was about to complete her first trimester!
There was so much to think about, and the bathroom floor clearly wasn't a suitable place for it, especially when the taste of bile lingered in her mouth.
You are strong, sis. Everything will be fine… Go get some tea and then go home, Ilva's voice advised, urging her not to mull over anything until she was ready.
Ignoring if it'd been on purpose or not, she silently thanked her the older woman for the infusion; that'd help with the dizziness and calm the heartburn. Besides, it was one of the few herbs she'd be able to use given her condition, as long as it was every now and then.
Feeling slightly better, Elia got on her feet very slowly, then approached the sink to both rinse her mouth and wash her face with cold water, repeating the last three times before grabbing the white towel hanging on the wall to her left. Albeit she'd purposely avoided staring at her reflection in the mirror in front of her, the three seconds her gaze darted that way were enough to see an abnormal paleness and still glassy eyes.
Come on, Elia… her inner voice encouraged.
Sighing exhausted, the healer finally opened the door and walked out, careful not to rush to the living room and making sure to hold her breath when she passed by the one that led to the dining room, afraid about perceiving the smell of wine again.
As soon as she entered, Elia saw Garrett's mother sitting in the armchair, right across from the tiny table where two cups lay, with the kind of expression that showed she had no intention of letting her go so soon.
"Elia, dear" the woman greeted, standing up to point to the sofa since it was more comfortable "Please sit for a moment" she added warmly, her green eyes displaying an atypical seriousness, one she'd rarely seen.
Perhaps she's offended… Elia mused, recalling her manners, knowing she should have apologized at once.
"I'm so sorry about tonight, Mrs. Holt," the healer offered, abashed "I assure you, there was nothing wrong with your food. In fact, it was absolutely delicious but I…" unable to finish the sentence, she just lowered her head.
It wasn't shame what kept her from speaking, but she wasn't ready to say it out loud yet, much less to her friend's mother.
Garrett, she remembered, somewhat bitterly.
She had no idea if he suspected something or if he had an argument with his mother; it wasn't that crazy when she knew how protective he was. Not to mention that his patience had been hanging by a thread lately.
Where's he? She glanced sideways at the rest of the room but then looked down, once she confirmed his absence, unsure of how to take it.
"It's fine, dear. He went out a while ago to get some medicine for your nausea" the older woman explained, and Elia looked up at her, nervous "Don't worry, you don't have to take it".
As soon as she said it, the lady's eyes briefly glanced down at her belly, pretty much letting her know she was aware of her state.
"Thank you, Mrs. Holt" Elia muttered, with a weak smile, out of gratitude, but also as an apology. This topic wasn't something she'd like to discuss in front of him.
"Don't worry, child. Please have some tea".
With a single nod, the healer leaned slightly and held one of the cups in her hands. The object somehow weighed more than usual, which had a lot to do with her weakness, so making sure the thing would not slip through her fingers, she carefully took it to her mouth to check its temperature. It was perfect. As the liquid went down her throat, thanks to its refreshing taste Elia felt better. Though she didn't know if it was out of the familiarity of the situation, or the drink. Whatever the case was, she was glad it helped relieve the void in the pit of her stomach, momentarily driving the anxiety away.
"Elia, dear… I don't mean to be nosey, but you just found out, didn't you?" the woman said when she placed the small vessel back on the table.
"It took me far longer than you to see it" she replied, uncomfortable though still holding her gaze.
"Oh, dear, that happens. It's hard to explain but call it a mother's instinct" the lady assured, smiling sympathetically "Tell me. Have you bled lately? Your breasts… do they feel swollen, way too sensitive maybe?"
As she spoke, each question did nothing but reaffirm her suspicion, yet she wasn't even capable of answering out loud. Instead, she nodded.
"I hate to remind you this, but it surely won't be the last time you'll get nauseas over a smell or the taste of something. You'll start urinating far more often than normal and become fatigued with the smallest of efforts. Headaches are also likely" the older lady said and abruptly stopped, surely once she recalled she knew all that well "How long…? she didn't manage to continue but she saw the genuine concern behind her words.
"I think I'm eleven weeks now" Elia muttered, lowering her gaze, exhausted.
"Mmm I've seen this a lot when it's your first" the mother of her friend pointed out while observing her, or more like her belly. It seemed she'd been talking more to herself given how she held her chin but when she noticed her anxious eyes staring back, the older woman beckoned her to keep drinking the hot beverage, smiling briefly "… but it will soon start to show and…"
The rattling of keys as they unlocked the entrance door got both turning their heads, concluding it was the young officer who'd come back. Elia glanced in his mother's direction, relieved to note there was some sort of tacit agreement about not continuing this conversation in his presence.
"Jeez, Elia. You scared me to death but I'm glad you're no longer trapped in there" he said as he approached, handing her a small brown paper bag, avoiding her gaze yet she still got to see he looked somewhat sick too "You feeling better? The apothecary said this might help".
"I'm sorry for worrying you both, Garrett. But I'll get better, don't worry" she assured with a slight smile, accepting it "Thanks for the medicine".
"You sure have some at home but I… I just needed to do something not to feel like an useless idiot" he explained, running his right hand through his hair, but when he saw the way her eyes widened, he quickly hid it behind his back. Unfortunately, it was enough to notice a tiny trace of dried blood in his sleeve.
"What happened to your hand?" the healer asked, this time paying more attention to his eyes, the same that showed the sort of redness caused by tears.
"Oh, this?" he asked, apathetically as he looked at it before putting both hands in his pockets "Nothing. really. I just tripped on my way out and got a few scratches. That's all".
"I see…" Elia muttered, fighting the urge to ask him to extend his hand and take a look. Doing that would lead to more questions. Questions that may hurt.
"Son? Could you please do the dishes for me? I'd like to speak to Elia a little" Mrs. Holt intervened the awkward silence that followed, sympathizing with both sides "I'll check that wound later so be careful, okay?"
"Sure" the young officer replied, solicitous and, for the first time, not contradicting his mother.
He comprehended how strange it'd be to discuss things that are too personal in front of him. Not to mention these were things he didn't want to know. Turning around, the young man left the room without delay, even though he didn't seem to know what he'd been asked, or where he was going, according to the way he first headed to the stairs but then stopped in his tracks and dashed towards the kitchen, hoping they hadn't noticed.
"My dear, the father of your child…" the older woman didn't go around the bush. Surely because she could tell all she wanted was to leave soon, fearing not being strong enough to do so and collapsing in the middle of the streets "… are you… together?"
The expression she was looking at wasn't the one she'd gotten used to whenever the lady heard some juicy gossip. No. There was no greed. What she found again was concern but no matter how much she cared about this family, this was the kind of question she couldn't answer, making her feel awful, disrespectful even, so she went for the truth. Or part of it.
"I don't wish to lie to you, Mrs. Holt, but…" Elia hoped the woman understood she was being honest "All I can say is that our relationship is kind of complicated. There are reasons as to why we've kept it a secret".
Not blind to how shocking something like this would sound to someone like Garrett's mom, the healer managed to smile at her apologetically, hoping she could accept it.
"Is he married?" the older woman enquired, wary about the answer, but the initial reluctance dissipated the instant Elia shook her head, followed by an exaggerated sigh in relief "Oh my… I was so scared! Is not that I'd believe you'd be the type to go for a man of sorts, but love is hard sometimes, and unexplainable. The heart wants what the heart wants".
"Rest easy. He's not" the healer confirmed, nonetheless, this conversation was starting to stress her out, reminding her of the brutal reality around them. It was a kind of fear she wasn't ready to deal with, and certainly not something she could share with anyone but a certain military captain.
"Then I wish you two the best, child. And I hope the news makes both of you immensely happy" sadly, there was a sour expression she could not control, still too tired, giving the lady other ideas "You think he won't like it?"
"I don't know, Mrs. Holt" she muttered, mostly to herself "None of us aimed to become a parent, which is why I was extra careful but…"
There was nothing she could have done to prevent this except avoid having sex with him, something Elia was very much against, for no words could explain how right and glorious was to lay together, to be one; that's why she took all the precautions needed over the past months.
But no method is infallible...
"My dear, it's hard because it's completely unknown territory for you. But you'll make the right choice, I'm sure" the woman stood to go take a seat beside her and grabbed her hand "It'll be alright" her words and warmth at least made her momentarily somewhat better.
"Thank you, Mrs. Holt. I appreciate your counsel tonight" Elia said, truly grateful but longing to go home. There was just too much she still needed to sort out "Although I'd like to stay longer, I better get going now".
"Yes, child. Of course," Garrett's mother agreed while caressing the back of her hand as she smiled. Nonetheless, Elia noted a certain uneasiness when the woman's eyes looked past her, not to mention her hands were not letting her go yet. She clearly wanted to say something but was afraid.
"Mrs. Holt?"
"Elia, my dear. I didn't want to burden you even farther, but my son knows about your state" the lady confessed, looking down for a moment "He was completely desperate to do something; get a doctor or take you to the hospital but I thought you wouldn't want to, considering you just found out. So, I had to tell him".
"I'm sorry for having put you through that" the healer offered, getting how uncomfortable the situation sure was.
Garrett wasn't easy to deal with when mad. Besides, the dried blood and dejected demeanor gave his discontent away.
"It's fine, Mrs. Holt. I trust your son with my life".
She did. He knew the truth, their secret, and without even asking, he hadn't told a soul about it, probably having figured things on his own once Levi's last name became public knowledge.
"My dear, please forgive me for what I'm about to ask but I wouldn't if I didn't think it's a bad idea" out of the blue, the woman's grip of her hand turned different, insistent and desperate. She looked her in the eye and the sadness in them baffled her "I know him. I know what my son is capable of when concerning you" that comment got her blushing. She could feel the heat on her cheeks "But whatever happens, you must not allow him to take this responsibility. He cannot father your baby".
Elia's eyes opened wider than ever because she hadn't seen this coming. There was so much already in her mind to dwell on, and now this? Garrett's mom surely imagined how bad she was hurting her, or so stated the way the lady quickly embraced her and started crying, but she still did it.
"My dear…" she sobbed "…I know I'm being horrible to you right now but I'm a mother, and he's my only son. I won't have the time to ask you this later because I know him too well not to know he'll offer himself; that's how much he loves you. But I don't want that for him. You love another. You gave yourself to that man even before marriage and that says a lot. And no matter how hard Garrett tries, you won't ever love him the way he wants, whether he does this for you or not. That's why…"
"Mrs. Holt…" the healer managed to say, gently pulling away from her embrace. This hurt, but she got the woman's dilemma "You need not to worry. Even if you hadn't asked, I could never do that because he deserves someone who'll wholeheartedly love him" she stated with a sad smile "And that's not me".
Her hostess wiped her tears with a tissue she offered before hugging her again, mumbling words of gratitude, believing in the promise she was making.
"It's all I ask, my dear, dear child! Moving on is hard, especially when you've loved someone for as long as he had, but he'll eventually make it. I know it".
"Yes, Mrs. Holt. No matter how hard the situation gets or how vulnerable I feel, I won't put this over his shoulders".
She knew how tremendously unfair that'd be given the father of her baby was a man Garrett disapproved, maybe even hated.
Lev…
No! her mind shouted, ordering to stop right there. She couldn't allow herself to think of him while still being here. She needed to get home.
Standing up slowly to avoid sudden movements that could make her dizzy, Elia bowed her head in respect.
"Regardless of what happened, I do appreciate your invitation, Mrs. Holt" the healer offered first, not to sound rude "But is best for me to leave now".
"Of course, dear! It's been our pleasure" the woman said, standing up, with a sad but affectionate smile "If you need anything, don't hesitate to come see me".
"Thank you" Elia doubted returning here after tonight, unless strictly under health conditions or something similar "Please, don't forget to take your medicine".
Out of the blue, the door behind them opened and Elia instinctively turned to look, regretting it almost immediately for she couldn't help staggering back, unsuccessfully trying to get something to hold on to. But right when she'd been about to hit the hard, cold ground, a pair of strong, big arms managed to grab her hand and waist just in time.
"You good?" her savoir asked; his tone tense and concerned "You're as pale as a corpse".
Although she couldn't focus on his face thanks to the dizziness, she knew who it was.
"I'm fine, Garrett" she assured, trying to stand on her feet and away from his firm grip "I'm just a fool who forgot not to move too fast. That's all".
"Perfect timing, son. I was about to call you" Mrs. Holt joined the conversation, with a proud smile "I'm sure there's no need to ask this 'cause I' sure we both want her to get home safe, right?" she stated as she passed them on her way out of the room, barely stopping to add something else "Oh, wait for me by the entrance. I'll be there in a minute".
Elia couldn't hold one long, tired sigh, wishing she somehow could be there already, which her friend took as a sign of discomfort for causing so much trouble, like she used to say.
"Like it or not, I'll follow you closely so don't bother" the young officer warned, chest pushed outstanding while as tall as he was "Why are you looking at me like I'm a child?" he asked at the weak snort that escaped her lips.
"No. Not like a kid. It was more looking at someone who knows me too well" the healer assured, palming his shoulder as she headed to the door, fighting her eyelids with all her might.
"You're still tired and dehydrated" he added, forgetting the dominant attitude as he followed her with worry "Mom made a vegetable soup so you can have some later".
"She shouldn't have…" Elia began to say, almost as a reflex, but at the sight of his disapproval, decided to let it go "I mean, thanks. I'll have it later. I promise" she agreed, knowing she should at least try, or she'd feel weaker.
It was then that Mrs. Holt returned carrying a lunch box that was wrapped in a quite colorful piece of cloth.
"Dear child, there's some broth in here. I had to improvise but it contains the essentials. Fresh vegetables, of course" her hostess informed as she handed the bag to her son "You'll also find a few leftovers from tonight's dinner because you'll get hungry eventually. And these won't… well, you know" the woman added, approaching to give her one last hug.
"It was a wonderful feast, Mrs. Holt" Elia assured, allowing the woman's big arms around her but unable to do the same because she lacked the energy "Thank you for everything".
"Take care, child," her friend's mother said, holding her hands. "And remember, I always wish the best for you."
Elia remained silent but smiled. It was clear that Mrs. Holt's attitude changed upon discovering the pregnancy, despite previously encouraging her son to seek Elia's affection. Nevertheless, she understood Mrs. Holt hadn't meant any harm and that her words were sincere.
People would do the same, her own mind offered, trying to cheer her up.
Besides, it really wasn't about what they might think or say. No. She sincerely cared for him and finally realized she didn't reciprocate his feelings and never would.
"Let's go" Garret said the instant the door closed but added no more.
Even though he didn't seem to be in a hurry, the silence between them turned a bit eerie and uncomfortable because he wasn't the sulking type at all. On the contrary, he enjoyed chatting, joking, and teasing around.
Probably doesn't know that to say, her inner voice offered, most likely not wanting to make her uneasy, and such thoughtfulness only got her appreciating him more.
The following quarter of an hour turned out the same. And she wouldn't have said anything had she not noticed that the closer they got to their destination, the sicker he looked, but she couldn't let this go on; he was scared, like she'd never witnessed before.
"Garrett" she called, and he abruptly snapped out of his thoughts, looking at her "Will you tell me what troubles you that bad? It's not a death sentence, you know?" she joked, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"I'm sorry, Elia" the young man muttered, averting his gaze to the object he carried "It's just…" he hesitated but shook his head and forced himself to talk "… I feel so guilty".
Unclear about his meaning, the healer took hold of his elbow to maki him stop and turn, which he did, except for deliberately avoiding making eye contact.
"A while ago, when you confirmed that you'd join the scouts, I wished for a miracle. Something. Anything that could change your mind..." he trailed off and momentarily closed his eyes, jaw tightened "I never imagined that THIS would be the reason that'd force you to give up".
That took her by surprise, for she had succeeded in blocking those thoughts so far, yet he of all people was unconsciously forcing her to face them now.
Stop lying to yourself! The voice in her head demanded. Delaying it isn't going to change a thing!
It was tough but true. And Garrett was correct: that was the only option available for her. To proceed with the enlistment, she would need to terminate the pregnancy, and the mere idea made her sick.
"You nailed it again" the healer mumbled, attempting to conceal her sadness with a mild snort not wanting to elaborate "However, you're not at fault, Garrett" she added, to ease his spirit in spite of her own anxiety "Biologically speaking, it is impossible to materialize a baby out of a wish".
"It's not funny, you know?" he cut her off, not even slightly amused when he dared staring at her "I'm scared for you, Elia".
"I'm fine, or at least I will be. Just, don't worry too much" she asked, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder "Things will work out somehow. They always do".
"But what about him?" her friend's eyes showed nothing but anguish "I highly doubt he wants it. That's why I fear for you".
Elia automatically took a step back and lowered her gaze, fixing it on the floor she barely perceived beneath her feet as her own fear took over. Once again, he'd guessed right. Levi loved her, yes. That was very true, but this was a whole other story. She'd even acknowledged his viewpoint on parenthood, months ago; therefore, the news would hardly be well-received, upsetting him at the very least.
Suddenly, Garret took a step closer and this time it was he who put a hand on her shoulder, having noted how strained she currently was.
"Don't misunderstand me. I hardly believe he'd be capable of hurting you or the baby" he added, his tone went from urgent to cautionary "Is just… with everything that's going on, what we're dealing with…"
Elia froze, though the cold around them had nothing to do with it. What actually caused an oppressive pain inside her chest wasn't that but understanding that there would never be a good timing for this and yet she could take no other path that would spare her from bigger regrets.
"I know so, Garrett" she admitted, smiling sadly.
She then saw him running his free hand through his hair as he quickly looked past her, as if he wanted to check something. She could tell he was in distress, especially when his eyes returned to hers, although this time they were also determined.
"Elia" he called, making a small pause "Even though he's a foul-mouthed brute, I know he'd never be violent to you. Not even for this" his claim really took her by surprise "You wouldn't have fallen for him otherwise" Garrett explained at her opened jaw "Still, that doesn't mean he won't end up breaking your heart, and you don't deserve it because he's responsible too" right then, his hold of her shoulder tightened a little "That's why I need you to promise me that after getting a good rest tonight, you'll weigh your options later" he asked very serious, then let her go.
Those last words brought her back from the initial shock after hearing him talk like that about someone he certainly disliked; it was a shame that the day Garrett finally understood her feelings, this happened.
"Come on…" Unaware that she'd remained silent for over a minute, he took it as a sign of disbelief "As much as I hate the guy, I accept he's no scoundrel. Besides, considering how straightforward, strong and popular he is, he could have had plenty bastards, yet it isn't the case. Not one of the few complaints hold against him have anything to do with illegitimate children or harassment…"
Garrett had been so careful in his little speech that he completely missed the face she made a second ago at the sound of a word she very much banned from her vocabulary.
Bastards... it was a horrible way to address anyone, and yet that could be the fate of the baby in her womb.
"Garrett" she interrupted with her usual politeness "I promise I will, but for now, all I can think of is how much I need a long nap".
Thankfully, the young man understood she didn't want to dwell upon this here or now, so he simply nodded and smiled, beckoning her to resume their way by offering his arm as support.
By the time they made it to her front, at her friend's insistence, Elia took Mrs. Holt's present in her hands, expressing her gratitude not only for the lovely evening before the incident but mostly for his honesty and care. But when she'd been about to unlock the door, the healer sensed his big hand grabbing hers with gentleness, making her turn.
"Elia" called Garrett, letting her hand go but not moving an inch away "You do know that you can count on me, don't you?" he said, looking down as he put his hands in the pockets of his jacket, desperately trying not to blush but failing.
Wow, she really knows him... the young woman thought, recalling his mother's request.
"Have you forgotten you made me promise that I wouldn't leave?" This question took her aback.
"When…?" she started but got interrupted.
"The day your friend died. The redhead chick" he responded, looking away, clearly embarrassed to see she honestly didn't recall "Guess I shouldn't be surprised but it's true. I went to check on you that night and found you absolutely wasted".
"I'm sorry I asked such a thing. I shouldn't have" Elia apologized, lowering her head, ashamed, despite ignoring he still had feelings for her back then.
"Yeah, well, I know you didn't mean it romantically. I just used that as an excuse. A lame one, but I got to stick around so it was worth it".
"Garrett…" she tried to speak, but he shook his head, smiling to assure all was fine.
"I know. But I wanted to tell you anyway because I mean it" he declared, meeting her eyes so she could see how serious this was "If you need me, I'll be there for you… for the two of you" he glimpsed down for a second, to her belly, and then back at her, giving away a half-smile full of lament and yearning "I often wonder if things might have been different between us had I not left years ago. Maybe not. I'll never know. But what I do know is how important you are to me. It's easy when you've been the only one in my heart, Elia. And that tells me I could also love that child as if he were my own".
Elia took a step back, staring with wide eyes as she felt the blood going up her face. The sincerity, eloquence and passion with which her sister's best friend pledged such a thing astonished her. He no longer looked like that twenty-four-year-old, impulsive and childlike guy she was used to. No. The one standing before her was a man; a generous, respectable man. And though a small part of her could see how wonderful and comforting it'd be to rely on someone this unwavering, the rest knew it was wrong because he deserved so much more.
"You are a great man, Garrett. And you will be a wonderful father someday. Seriously. Whoever earns her place by your side is going to be one of the luckiest people, but that cannot be me. Not when I know I'd make you miserable because I do love you, but as my friend" she uttered and took his right hand out of the pocket, holding it with both of hers "Had you stayed or not, wouldn't have changed that because you're like a brother to me. And that's why I can't accept such offer" she said, sad but firm.
"Why not? Even if it's not as your partner" he insisted "Friends can help one another, can't they?"
"It'd be terribly selfish of me knowing about your feelings, unable to reciprocate them because I'm in love with another man" Elia explained, fighting the urge to cry at the very possible repercussions of this pregnancy.
"What if he's not around?" The question hurt but had been in the back of her mind since she decided she'd have the baby.
"Doesn't change anything" the young woman stated, letting go as she looked down for a couple seconds, trying to get herself together "I may be scared of what the future holds for me and this child, but I won't give up".
"I'm glad" that got her facing him again, but something in her eyes made him somewhat nervous, for he broke eye contact, looking heavenward, to the night sky. After taking a deep breath, he sighed in defeat but then met her gaze one last time "I get it Elia, I do. But do me a favor and let me give you a hand with whatever you might need, okay? Running errands, shopping… you name it".
She didn't know what to respond at first but later comprehended he only meant that as a good friend, or so showed the playful wink at the end, making her smile in return.
"Oh, but if you need me to fight for your honor, let me know in advance so I have time to prepare. I'll end up in a ditch for sure, but I rather do so with some style… and dignity" he joked, pleased to see her slightly better when she punched his arm gently, appreciating the effort to cheer her up but most importantly, for accepting and respecting her decision.
"I'll keep that in mind" she briefly smiled.
"Good" he answered and then opened the door for her "You better rest 'cause that was one pitiful punch… if I can even call it that" Elia snorted in amusement but then seemed somewhat embarrassed.
"I'm afraid I can't invite you in".
"You kidding?" he replied, smirking affectionately "You look terrible and about to pass out so go to bed, Elia".
"Thank you for looking after me and cheering me up" the healer said, giving him a tight hug "It means a lot".
"Anytime" he responded, surrounding her shoulders with one arm. When they separated, she saw a warmer smile on those manly features.
"And do tell Mrs. Holt I'll make it up to her…" Elia didn't know what else to say "For all the troubles" she wondered what else could she say that wouldn't sound ridiculous.
"What? You mean sorry for barfing everything she carefully prepared?"
"Indeed" that blush at least helped providing some color to her face.
"She knows" he assured, no longer in a teasing mode "I'll go now but do take care, okey?"
Elia nodded in response, and with that, her friend turned around, heading to the door connecting to the inside of the building. As soon as he closed it, she did the same and went straight to the kitchen, leaving the containers on the table, and also her cross-body bag, ready to go to the bathroom before reaching her cozy bed. Tired as she was, the healer solely took her shoes off and almost immediately crashed out on it.
"What's the matter, honey?" her mother asked, crouching down in front of her after placing the small sack of potatoes she carried on the floor "You've been oddly quiet since we left".
A 9-year-old Elia kept looking down, lost in thought, trying to process all she'd seen that morning.
"Mom" she finally looked up, realizing her mother was waiting "Why did you accept?" the little girl asked, pointing at the object next to them "They seemed to need it more than us".
The question took the woman by surprise or so said her dilated pupils but soon recovered. Then briefly held her small chin before smiling; a kind of gesture that was a mix of compassion and pride.
"I know I shouldn't have but there was no other way".
"What do you mean?"
"That it'd have been insulting otherwise" that statement confused her, and so her mother continued "Elia… paying someone for their help isn't always a mere transaction. Some people do it to demonstrate their gratitude in any way they can, and that's exactly what they did".
"But… all you did was massaging the baby's tummy and repeatedly move her legs backward and forward to help her poo, like you used to with Ilva".
"True, but what may not be a big deal to us could be different to others, honey" the woman explained, observing the understanding nod from her "Especially now that Mr. Roth is widowed and was scared to hurt his daughter".
Yes. She got the idea. It sure was hard and the man clearly had no clue how to take care of a newborn. That made her sad because she still remembered the look on his wife, a month ago; the lady had been so happy, radiant about welcoming their third kid. Sadly, she didn't get to know the child she gave birth to.
"Something still bothers you" Elia suddenly heard her mother's voice, bringing her back to present.
"Mom" the little girl started again, worried about the family's money problem, even before this "Why do people keep having babies?"
"You mean under those conditions, don't you?" she nodded again, appreciating that her mother understood. Trying to explain felt rude "I could not say, honey. Is not my right to assume anything because it's different for everybody".
"I don't think I'll ever be a mom" once again, her comment astonished the woman.
"You fear dying while in labor?" thanks to her parents' trade, she comprehended the basics on how babies came into the world, unlike most of her classmates at school.
"No" little Elia said, somewhat angry "I don't like how Mr. Roth and his boys are treated. It's cruel. People is cruel".
This time her lady mother said nothing but moved forward and hugged her, amazed by an answer like that from someone this young. Being smart or clever wasn't that rare despite your age but being this compassionate and aware of your surroundings, as well as others, that was incredible. And she was glad to have given birth to two wonderful human beings; not perfect but more humane than several people she'd met throughout her life.
"I wish you'd have met your grandmother" her mom said as she let her go but still held her by the shoulders, keeping eye contact "We lived a similar situation to Mr. Roth, only we got it worse when dad died because mom got sick".
"I didn't know that" Elia apologized, appreciating the trust but feeling bad for making her sad. Talking about her past always did that and even though she'd said it was fine, she couldn't help the guilt "I'm sorry, mom".
"It's alright, honey. I may not share many details but it's just because you're too young for some things… or so I thought" she said the last with a taint of fun "But just so you can understand, we had a hard time when she got sick, and no one would employ her. My sister and I were too young to help her but there was a moment I dared asking her if life would be easier had we not existed".
"What did she say?"
"She said that she wouldn't have changed a thing" her mother smiled, although her eyes glimmered as she surely recalled that moment "Because when you love your partner as deep as she did, the joy of bearing his child is bigger than anything else. No matter how rich or poor or miserable, even if you're being irresponsible or selfish; it's the sort of happiness that no one and nothing can take away from you".
Elia's eyes popped open as she lay sideways on her bed, feeling somewhat dizzy and still tired. And judging by how wet the pillow felt, she was certain he'd been crying in her sleep.
Mom… she called in her heart, trying to wipe away the fresh new tears that run down the sides of her face once she moved, laying on her back, unable to see the ceiling. Not because it was dark but because it was all blurry.
It was the first time she dreamt about her, at least something nice, not the nightmares she'd suffered months ago, but what truly amazed her was the content, this precious memory; something she'd completely forgotten about, yet she could somehow sense the woman's embrace, like back then, making her weep a lot more.
About nearly an hour later, she finally calmed down and the crying ceased, giving her time to process everything as she tried to think straight to find a solution.
It'd be a terrible blow to Levi, especially now that the nightmares weren't that frequent; he'd been working hard to control his new levels of anxiety, so his PSTD had recently started healing, meaning he no longer feared staying over. Well, except for the fact that they had not slept in the same bed since the incident. She'd told him he could do so on the couch instead, but the man insisted on trying the chair inside her room, to test himself. Therefore, adding a baby in the picture...
Levi doesn't want it, Elia said to herself, clenching the sheets to suppress new tears.
But you do, her inner voice pointed out, and her hands immediately relaxed, recalling the wonderful dream she'd just had as she touched her belly with her right hand.
"I finally get it, mom" she muttered, caressing her flat but soft and warm skin, knowing a new life was growing in there.
The problem was the choice this represented. She wasn't going to interrupt the pregnancy or even consider giving him up after the birth. No. She could never live with that. Therefore, there was only one way to do the right thing, and the man with steel blue eyes would not be part of it.
Can you truly live without him? Elia sensed the way her eyes swam with new tears as the other hand clutched her chest, trying to keep her aching heart from breaking.
She loved Levi, so much that making this choice was killing her. But there was no other way, not when, in reality, he was very much against it, and she comprehended the many reasons why. Besides, adding this to the thousand other worries he had on a daily basis, including a war that might come anytime… it just wasn't fair.
Although Garrett had been right about both being responsible, Levi's situation and the weight over his shoulders was too huge to ask him to be a parent. So, the best she could do was to get ready to leave the district without telling him about it. The mere thought felt like stabbing herself, but she knew he'd be fine without her, unlike the baby.
He'll always be with you, sis. It's his kid you're having… Ilva's voice popped up in her head, and something stirred inside her, both at the sound and the wonderful meaning behind that statement.
"Yes. You're Levi's son" Elia whispered in the dark, caressing her belly. And in spite of the tears that rolled down her face, her mouth still curved into a happy smile.
I know. It's been a looong while since the last update but here I am. And though it may take me a while, I'll finish this story even if it takes me a decade (hopefully not, because I'm really looking forward to sharing next part of this journey).
Hope you had a good time (as much as possible, given the circumstances, right?) u.u
Namárië