A/N:

Listen, I have zero excuses for why this is so late except writer's block and my brain being full of bullshit soup. I'm SORRY. Somehow, this ended up being SIX THOUSAND WORDS. Oops? Yay? That's to be decided by y'all, I guess. Thank you for your endless patience if you're still reading this lmao.

Zoro has nightmares that night, of course.

They aren't, however, what he expects them to be about. He doesn't dream about Alvida. He doesn't have ridiculous nightmares about Nami cutting his hair and morphing into some horrific creature— which would likely have been Alvida.

No, he dreams about ducks. Singing ducks, singing grapes, singing to a set of hair clippers that buzz scoldingly to the tune.

The ridiculity of both scenarios may have to be reconsidered and weighed on the scales of how much his brain likes to fuck with him. He's covering new ground all the time.

The rapidly darkening woods shrouding the world outside Merry's windows are not new by any stretch of the word. Once again heading fuck knows where when they really should've just paid for another night at the hotel.

Except they were all running out of fake reasons to stay longer than a bizarrely late check-out time let them. Not at all in hopes that lingering would allow... certain people to catch up and call them losers for waiting.

(The location list now reads:

Baby Come Back To Me :(

Should've Never Set You Free :'(

Zoro nudges Sanji's thigh with the tip of his boot, nodding toward the words. "Did you write that, dipshit?"

Sanji nudges him back. "No, shitdip."

"Oh, fuck off, who else would write that sappy—"

"It was me," confesses Robin.

"And me," adds Nami, face as red as her hair.

Zoro and Sanji squint at each other. They both shrug, unwilling to dissect what the fuck that's about.

"…right, okay.")

Hence their leisurely drive through this last string of national parks before they leave Texas behind them. Zoro's sure some bullshit will stop them before too long.

"Alright!" Luffy claps, loud enough in the silence to make Zoro flinch. "I'm commandering this vessel."

Nami snorts. "Commandeering."

"Right. Commandeering this vessel."

Usopp gives a nervous laugh. "How and why are you commandeering my vessel?"

Ace oohs with more drama than the comment requires. "Kinky."

Luffy plants himself in the crack between Nami and Usopp's front seats, snaking a familiar cord out and holding it high. "The aux! I declare that no un-memely song shall pass these speakers for the next..." he squints and hits play, "fortnight?"

Everyone groans at the barest hint of the song. Franky crushes his beloved sunglasses in a meaty fist, primal rage taking over as he plugs his ears. Chopper shrieks, yanking at his hands to see if he'd managed to fucking cut yourself, you big dumb stupid idiot!

Ace shrugs and bobs his head, a single finger aloft that alternates pointing up and sideways according to the beat. Everyone else remains slumped over in defeat.

Zoro, who has already been listening to cartoon songs for many hours at Luffy's behest, cannot fathom the significance of studio-produced Never Gonna Give You Up. "How is this one a meme?"

Oh, good, at least the pity-horror expressions get more familiar each passing day. That'll be great to shore up for far worse Zoro Lore in the future.

Luffy restarts the song. "Clearly, I've failed you."

Nami rolls up the map they're using to hunt for good camping areas in the parks. "I wish this was laminated," she says before she repeatedly clobbers him over the head with it.

Robin holds out her book in offering. "You can use this instead. It's much more robust."

"You're the best girlfriend ever."

"Holy shit," Sanji gasps. "Am I the token straight friend?"

Zoro nearly chokes on his laughter. The blatant denial is almost too much for him to stomach.

"Hey!" Usopp protests. "You forgot about me!"

Franky shakes his head. "I'm pansexual. You're van- sexual."

"Now just wait a minute. This van may own my heart, soul, and wallet. And sure, sometimes she's the only thing I live for, but that—" Usopp glances backward at them and abruptly stops. He's buffering in real life, finger raised and mouth ajar.

Zoro nudges Chopper. "Did he finally give up? Can we plan the wedding yet?"

Robin hums. "I was thinking barnyard chic. She can only fit in so many places. Or should it be outdoors?"

"That's too good for Usopp."

She nods. "As long as the code of dress is potato sacks."

Nami cranes her neck to look back at her girlfriend. "Remind me not to let you plan our wedding."

Robin's face goes slack, eyes so fond Zoro halfway wants to throw up. Nami blinks, cheeks flaring red as she realizes what she's just said. She doesn't take it back, only smiles nervously and turns around.

"New hot take!" Usopp claps, hitting the resume button. "Let's put a pin in it because Merry is the love of my life and I'm a liar in more ways than one! We're not counting my massive crush on Sanji because I've repressed that shit for years."

Sanji's head snaps toward him. "Wait, your what?"

"We can take the pin out and fucking stab you with the truth, how's that?"

"Years?" Sanji waves his hands in the air to no avail. "Okay, wait, let's not just fucking breeze past that!"

And, really, Zoro would give him shit for this, but it's so much more fun to watch him act like the world is imploding. He doesn't need to do anything when Sanji's stressing himself out.

"We totally should. It's not a fun topic and I wish I could cut off my tongue right about now." Usopp clicks said tongue. "Zoro, why is everything you say to me so hurtful?"

"You leave me no choice."

Luffy's laughter spills out against Zoro's shoulder, cheek smooshing as he tilts harder into the point of contact. "Being grumpy is just Zoro's love language!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Is no one else surprised about this?" Sanji shouts, more frazzled than Zoro's ever seen him.

Nami laughs in his face. Full witch-cackle, head thrown back hard enough to slam into the van wall.

"Nope." She throws a pen at him. "You're just oblivious. Now have your crisis quietly."

Sanji stares out the window. "Fuck."

"See?" Luffy grins at Usopp, poking the underside of Zoro's jaw and prompting a scowl. "He loves me."

Zoro grabs the back door's handle, because if he's never going to live that down, he might as well keep doing it. "I'm going to jump out again."

"No! We're going, like, eighty because Usopp has a lead foot!" Nami shrieks, jamming her arm through the crack between the van wall and seat to clutch his wrist.

He lets her manhandle him. "This is all your fucking fault, Usopp."

Usopp shakes his head vigorously. "I don't want more blood on these masterful hands!"

Zoro shakes his head in return. "This is why you leave me no choice."

"I need a fucking smoke," Sanji says.

In the corner, Ace snores away.

He's thankful he waits until they find a decent place to camp before calling Koshiro back.

(As much setup as "camping" takes when they're planning to either dogpile in Merry or spread out sleeping bags in a ring. Weather or random disaster allowing, at least.)

He wanders away from their group and campsite at a slow walk, following a flimsy dirt pathway littered with pine needles. He spills his guts about Hancock almost immediately, redacting the finer details of exactly how or what they'd bonded over.

It's upsetting how easily he breaks when Koshiro probes only once about his odd, sullen mood.

"It's just weird without her, you know? I can't believe I got attached to some bitchy whore—"

"ZORO!"

"Oops," he cringes as the reprimand booms through his speaker, "I forgot you would not get that inside joke."

A long-suffering sigh comes through, like scratching on sandpaper. " Your people skills greatly concern me."

"Hey, her words, not mine."

"You once advised a child at the dojo that maybe using a duller blade would make them 'less of a whiny bitch'."

"That was years ago!" And that was definitely the excess Alvida jumping out from somewhere deep within.

"That was one year ago."

Zoro blinks. "Huh. Felt way longer." He shakes it off. "Anyway, not really the point. When the hell did I become capable of missing her?"

"I… was under the impression one usually misses their friends when they leave?"

"She gave me food poisoning, Sensei. We were fighting over—" Luffy, except nope, can't fucking go there "—the stupidest shit all the time!"

Amusement lilts through his boss' tone. "Well, given enough time with someone, feelings tend to change."

He ignores the emphasis on feelings because ew. "So this is what Stockholm Syndrome feels like."

It's— alarmingly familiar.

"Well, you did say you were kidnapped."

"Good point."

"That aside, did you try telling her she was welcome to keep tagging along with you guys?"

And he can't— admit that he had. That he'd tried, and she hadn't even looked at him. "Not my van, so not really my call, you know?"

And it's not Nami's van either, but he's not delusional enough to believe Usopp has final say on who gets herded into the sheep. It's down to her and Luffy, because Luffy does what Luffy wants, and gets what he wants most of the time.

A sickening pang goes through him at the consideration that Hancock might've turned around if Luffy had asked her. If anyone but Zoro did.

Because he'd thought a lot of things about their tentative, trauma-bound friendship, and that metaphorical slap in the face was more familiar than not. He's used to being very wrong about people.

A repetitive dial tone brings him back to reality. He pulls his phone away to blink at the flat line of no-bars at the screen's edge.

Shoving it back in his pocket with a huff, he turns to stomp back toward camp. Just one more uncomfortable conversation to push out of sight and mind.

Trudging through the woods is much easier, even if he doesn't remember the path having this many rocks. Or the ever-present sound of rushing water. He must have missed those the first time around. Things tend to look different when it starts getting dark, after all.

Which, he estimates with a squint at the barely visible sun, he'll be stuck on the bad end of within the next half hour.

Does Texas have bears?

No, he finds out, but it does have humidity that makes him wish he could peel his skin off.

Clearly, the others have decided to be dickheads and move the campsite. There's no way he shouldn't have reached it by now.

His misadventure— dis adventure, if he lays the blame squarely on the assholes that set him loose in yet another wooded area— stutters to a tentative halt when a ball of light bounces toward him.

"Zoro!" calls the light.

"Come back later. Maybe by then the bears will have eaten me."

"Yep," mumbles the light, closer now and very short and Chopper-esque, "that's Zoro, alright."

"And you're one of my kidnappers!"

"…are you good?" Chopper grabs for his wrist, dragging him along with no preamble. "Should I be testing you for a concussion right now because—"

"Nah, I just have inside jokes with myself."

Chopper snorts. "Am I at least one of your favorite kidnappers?"

He wiggles his hand back and forth in a so-so motion neither of them can even see. "Think I'm sold on this group as a whole. Best case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever had."

It sounds a lot like Chopper chokes on his own spit at that. "Case of what now?"

"That thing where you start to bond with your captor and—"

"No, I know what it is," Chopper snaps, voice high with stress. "It's just alarming how kind of— serious you sound right now. Like, you're joking, but not."

It's a hell of a thing that Chopper even notices that kind of shit about him. Just cracks him open with no regard for the fucked-up center he might be revealing.

Zoro remains silent for too long, realization coalescing into fact. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

"My whole life is just multiple cases of Stockholm Syndrome, holy shit. Plural as fuck."

Chopper drops his face into his hands. "God, you make me sad."

Zoro yanks him up by the arm when he trips, the beam of the flashlight swooping toward the treetops. "I'm not sure if I should be offended by that..."

"I'm sorry, Zoro, you're SAD."

And, hey, he knows that, but hey . "W-well, you're sad!"

Chopper sniffs primly. "I am awesome."

Zoro pats his little head because it's right there at prime patting height. "Touché."

"No," he groans, "you're awesome too!"

Zoro squints suspiciously, trying out some of his forcibly-newly-acquired meme-knowledge. "Sounds fake, but okay."

Chopper turns to point at him commandingly. "No! You! Are! Awesome!"

Zoro blinks blankly at the Authority Finger in his face, getting the distinct sensation of deja vu. It smells like popcorn and crunches like Sanji kicking the shit out of a DVD player.

"Say that you're awesome."

It's 100% his inner Little Shit that has him parroting, "You're awesome," with a smirk.

Chopper lets out a sound like a train whistle, then follows it with a Luffy-worthy whine. "Zor-ooo!"

"I'm awesome," he deadpans obligingly.

"Yes! You are! Zoro! You have swords! And you know how to use them!"

And, fine, his skills do sound kind of cool when put like that. "Chopper, you know how to save lives and shit. Pretty sure you're the cooler one."

Chopper grabs him by the front of his shirt, which might be more intimidating coming from literally anyone else in the entire world, but with Chopper, even high on sugar, still manages to be only cute. "You. Are. COOL!"

"I am cold ," Zoro corrects. "Because it is foggy and wet and cold. "

"You can save lives too!" Chopper continues to try.

And that one— that one does give him pause. "I don't know any medical stuff?"

"Zoro, you have swords."

He's still not seeing it. "...And?"

"And it is cold and wet and foggy and creepy ."

Oh.

Oh!

"If you wanted me to protect you from the creepy things in the woods, all you had to do was ask."

"Yes, please. But you're very cool for doing it."

Zoro knocks his hat askew and ruffles a hand through his hair again until he squawks.

A ring of piercingly bright LED lanterns greets them when Chopper manages to herd Zoro in the right direction. He learned quickly not to let go of his hand after several tumbles into a bush or two. (Note: bushes are invisible in the dark.)

Nami and Robin are already huddled together on two overlapping sleeping bags, arms linked and drowning in oversized sweaters. Sanji and Usopp follow their example, legs swaying absently under a shared blanket as they cram into the maw of Merry's open door. The sight of them joined at the hip is— interesting. After his very public confession, Zoro figured Sanji would start avoiding Usopp like the plague. Well, he mentally shrugs, it's not any of his business.

Everyone looks bundled up by now. Zoro shivers, the cold biting harder just by comparison.

A sharp, metallic ticking noise sends his attention skittering toward Ace, who is crouched around a circle of rocks. Apparently, they're going the campfire route tonight, despite the failure of the corn fire. An occasional giggle escapes him as he hacks at what has to be a piece of flint with—

"Is that—" Zoro squints, rushing forward with renewed urgency, "one of my fucking swords?"

Ace hacks harder under his scrutiny. "No," he lies.

"He's stupid," Sanji calls from the circle's edge, "not blind!"

They all jump when Franky emerges from the tree line, arms full of sticks. "The gnome hatchet vanished, bro! It's the only sharp thing we had."

Zoro rips the sword from Ace's grip, gesturing toward the two girls. "Robin literally collects knives!"

She frowns at him. "Those are delicate instruments."

"This," he says, well aware there's a whine coming into his tone now, "is way more delicate than some pocket knives! I looked up how much these are and Izaya is fucking insane—"

A veil of darkness falls over him, his automatic flinch causing it to slip over his cold-numb nose and ears oddly. He pats at the fabric, recognizing it with embarrassing swiftness as the sweater he stole from Luffy a while ago.

"Zoro's shaking."

"Zoro's fucking pissed, Luffy," he scoffs, but jabs the sword into the earth so he can get the damned soft thing fully over his head. And everywhere else. He very nearly moans at how good it feels, which—

Okay, right. Luffy now knows he kept it. Luffy intentionally brought this out for him, presumably so Zoro could join the sweater-paw club.

It's fine. It's so fine. He's not melting from humiliation or gutted by such a simple kindness at all.

Ace holds his lighter to the pile of sticks, setting it ablaze in less than five seconds. They stare at each other, basking in the light of how fucking easily he did that.

"What?"

Zoro doesn't strangle him, but it's a very near thing. "Oh, nothing..." Instead, he pats Mariana where she dangles from his belt loop. "Nothing at all."

"We should summon demons!" Luffy yells, abruptly jamming his icy hands in the kangaroo pouch of Zoro's hoodie. "Or something, I dunno."

Zoro yelps, every ounce of heat pooling in his cheeks as they stand nose-to-nose. He doesn't move an inch. It's— technically Luffy's right, given it's technically his sweater.

"Campfire seance!" Ace springs out of his crouch, racing for the cover of his sleeping bag. God forbid he wear anything but shorts or a skirt even in the coldest weather.

Everyone lingering on the circle's outskirts follows suit, Usopp attached to Sanji's back like a teeth-chattering lamprey in much the same way that Luffy doesn't bother removing himself from Zoro's personal space. He accepts his fate with a sigh and maneuvers around the extra limbs to unzip both sleeping bags. One to lay on and the other to use as a blanket.

Luffy makes an ah-hah sort of noise and drags Zoro down to sit, only risking the precious warmth of his hands to messily drape the thick fabric around them, tucking the excess in the crook of his knees to keep it tight around their bottom halves. Cocoon secure, his arms snake around Zoro's waist, hands burrowing back into the pocket against his abdomen.

Dumbfounded, his heart thump-thumping away, Zoro accepts the quasi-hug for what it is. Still, he tries not to lean too heavily against the warmth behind him, Luffy's torso a hot line all along his shoulder and bicep.

He'd suspect this is what exposure therapy feels like if it wasn't for how much he kind of doesn't hate it. Almost as an afterthought, he sheaths the sword Ace hopefully didn't fuck up, sliding it under the sleeping bag.

Chopper nods approvingly when he notices.

"Bro, does anyone..." Franky starts, "actually know how to do a seance?"

"Is it the same as necromancy?" Robin asks.

"Sacrifice!" chant Luffy and Ace, "Sacrifice!"

Usopp shakes his head rapidly. "Nope, not doing that. I barely want to do this. You know what? Want is a strong word. Pressured. I am peer-pressured constantly. What do you think that does to a brain after several—"

Sanji slips a hand over his mouth to silence the start of his tirade. "It's easier than living in a shitty fear bubble your entire life because everything scares you shitless." Ignoring Nami's snort and the way they all gawk at him, he shrugs. "Seance time?"

Everyone remains perplexed by the topic of proper seance conduct. Honestly, Zoro had assumed they'd done a million of these by now. It's more than likely they just wing it all the time.

"I could look it up?" he offers.

Luffy wordlessly slithers his phone out of his pocket into the firelight.

Various sounds of agreement later, he and Luffy squint at Wikihow.

"Circle, check. I guess the fire is one big candle, so, check. Not sure if holding hands is necessary…"

Luffy hums. "Does the forest count as a quiet room?"

"Depends what's out there," Robin says, "hungering for blood. But hunger is often silent until it's not."

Usopp shushes her with vehemence. "No, no, no, no—"

"I'll take that as a yes on the quiet room."

"It also says people like Usopp and Chopper should get the hell out because they're fearful skeptics."

Usopp wrinkles his nose. "Not a skeptic, just fearful."

"Same," Chopper whimpers.

"I dunno," Sanji interjects. "I might be a skeptic."

"Then refrain from being a disruptive fuckwit, so says Wikihow." He brushes off their scandalized looks, continuing, "We're supposed to have a designated person as a medium to play spirit telephone?"

Luffy's eyes light up. "Does that mean I get possessed?"

"Please," Nami groans, "don't look so excited by that possibility."

"You get to hold a necklace?" Zoro offers, shrugging. "A spirit board isn't an option. A necklace as a makeshift pendulum that can swing for yes or no questions is better. Nature would make asking for signs kind of hard."

"A bloodthirsty squirrel could trick us."

Usopp buries his hands in his hair. "Robin, I'm begging you to stop."

Zoro thoroughly ignores them. "It's looking like holding hands is necessary to close the energy circle. And we need an… opening incantation that states our purpose?"

"Fuck around and find out!" Ace suggests.

"That sounds like we're inviting literally anything and everything, bro," Franky cautions.

Sanji hums in consideration. "Seance sans spirit condom?" He shrugs and holds his arms out. "Alright, everyone hold hands so we can live the dream of contracting spiritual STDs."

"I really hope that won't be as sweaty as it sounds," Usopp groans, but he still takes Sanji and Robin's hands.

The others follow suit, and Zoro does a very odd maneuver where he sticks his left hand in the right hole of his sweater pocket to continue holding Luffy's hand and also link with Chopper.

"A little ectoplasm never hurt anyone."

"Don't you mean ejactoplasm—" Ace gets no further before choking on laughter.

Robin's head snaps toward him. "Polter-gasm."

That gets everyone else wheezing, including Zoro, and the laughter jolts through their joined limbs like electricity.

"Bad." Nami disconnects to mime hitting them with a tiny twig. "Both of you go to horny jail."

"Okay, wait. Who's even got a necklace?" he asks when the lull of silence returns.

"Somebody also needs to get the gnomes!" Luffy informs them like this is the obvious next step in seance conduct.

"For… what, Luff?" Ace asks, but he's already rising from his sleeping bag. "Should I get the flamingo too?"

"Yes! I just think they should all be included."

"Is it the best idea to use gnomes named for the seven deadly sins in a seance?" Robin ponders.

Nami leans on her, calm expression saying she's six degrees past caring what could possibly go wrong. "Does it matter?"

"Exactly! He's not going to give up," Usopp whimpers, white-knuckling Sanji's hand so hard he yelps. "He isn't, so just don't even talk about it, okay?"

"I'll fucking bite you," Sanji growls, flinching back when they both swivel inward and Usopp's nose nearly takes his eye out. "Stop using my hand like a stress toy."

"Sorry, I know they're your babies. I'll treat them like the gifts they are."

Sanji's brain seems to leak out his ears, at that. "Whatever."

Zoro stops paying attention to their "weird little mating dance" when Ace ceremoniously holds the picnic basket high before setting it down. He begins arranging the gnomes around the fire, a circle within theirs. Zoro hates the feeling of those empty eyes staring at him now, so he can't imagine how horrible it'll be while they try to lower the fucking veil.

"No flamingo?" Franky dares ask.

"Couldn't find it today. Maybe tomorrow."

Chopper squirms in place. "I hate the way you said that."

"If you can't be responsible pet owners," Ace turns and wags a disapproving finger at the ring of gnomes, "you don't get to have pets."

"Yeah," Luffy nods along, "we will leave that lawn flamingo on the side of the road in a box that says 'free to good home' if you can't keep it wrangled."

Nami pinches the bridge of her nose. "...You are talking about lawn ornaments ...to other lawn ornaments."

"And?" Luffy blasts through her incredulity in one word. "Hold hands, everyone!"

They all obey without much fuss.

Nami must have passed off a necklace to Luffy at some point, otherwise it's a mystery where he got it. He dangles it from his index and middle finger until it stops swinging.

Zoro frowns at the gnome directly across from him before closing his eyes. "Fuck it."

He'd slept in a house with Alvida lurking about for years. What could a gnome do to him now?

"Fuck around and find out…" Ace starts the chant, quickly taken up by the others with varying levels of giggling. "Fuck around and find out…"

The gnomes rattle, which is theoretically impossible when they're not touching each other. Zoro didn't think they had a vibrate feature, but there they go.

The woods around them are too still— too quiet in comparison.

Until they hear a twig snap.

Luffy yelps as the necklace flings itself from his fingertips, directly into the fire. It's tarnished instantly.

Everyone holds their breath.

Usopp keens like a wounded animal. "Why?"

Nami wastes no time, eyes snapping to Luffy. "I'm charging you for that."

"But it was the ghost's fault," he whines. "I didn't even get to ask anything!"

He's cut off as a second wooden crack reaches their ears, louder this time. Closer. And then another before a bush near the tree line rustles and—

A hunched figure emerges, inky black hair flung over its face, swaying in time with its pale, deadweight arms. Maybe it doesn't have a face. It hobbles forward, slow but steady.

The group freezes like deer in headlights for several long seconds before pandemonium hits.

Nami, Chopper, and Usopp's shrieks pierce the air, scaring several birds into flight from the distant sound of flapping wings. Zoro draws the sword from beneath their sleeping bag on pure instinct, even as Luffy starts laughing.

Ace resumes the chant of, "Fuck around and find out!" somewhat nervously.

Robin's eyes blow wide as dinner plates, but all she says is, "Oh, my."

In a desperate bid of self-defense, Sanji chucks a gnome toward it. His aim falls comically short, several feet from the persisting ghost—creature— Thing?

The Thing picks it up once close enough, stopping dead to inspect the decoration. Maybe, Zoro thinks, it feels kinship with something as haunted and ghastly as itself.

The Thing starts quaking, convulsing, red-and-white spotted shoulders jumping as it—

Giggles?

"Let's face it," the figure says and—

Wait a damn minute. He knows that voice.

She tosses her hair out of her face, and only then does he notice Salome. Are you fucking kidding?

"Our group has summoned way weirder things than a beautiful woman with a snake on her shoulders."

"Hancock?!"

Robin recovers the fastest. "She does have a point there."

Hancock absolutely did not have a point there, and Zoro was stabbing the first person to imply his chest felt warm and gooey when she called their little band of misfits 'our group.' He's selling his organs, traitorous things they are, to the next (Real) Thing they come across.

"No, no, wait." Usopp waves his arms, rejecting an invisible force. "I need to reiterate: Hancock?!"

Luffy hums, like maybe that should be in question. "Neat scare. How'd you know we were here?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I hitchhiked with an old friend of yours?"

Usopp squints distrustfully. "No…"

"Probably!" Luffy reverse-vetoes. "Who?"

Hancock beams. "Fred is very nice, actually."

Chopper's squeal tips over the edge of excitement into slight terror. "Are we being stalked by a cryptid?"

Ace cheers. "The tables have tabled!"

"Shut up about Fred." Usopp beats his fist on the ground. "Shut up about Fred. SHUT UP ABOUT FRED!"

She shrugs. "This is just where his summer home is."

"Bigfoot ISN'T REAL."

"Bigfoot's name is Fred," Hancock insists, as Zoro had said to her once upon a time.

"Is he still around?" Sanji peers into the darkened wood, then throws his cigarette into the fire with violence. "Nope, not chancing it."

Usopp stares at him like he's grown a seventh head. "Why—"

Nami waves dismissively. "Had to be there."

"Fine," Usopp sniffs, "I'll direct my why towards you, Hancock. Not that I'm not glad you're back, but why… come back after you made it to your sisters?"

"Um." Hancock turns sheepish, barely peeking upward at them when she mumbles, "My— my sisters are why I'm here."

Nami's brow furrows as she starts to rise. "Is something wrong with them?"

Quirking a small smile, she straightens up. More twigs crunch underfoot as she slowly walks forward, shaking her head. "They told me— to find my own happiness, and I thought—" She stops, posture slumping a little, talking more toward her shoes and twisting fingers than them. "Well, the time I was happiest was with all of you."

Usopp's jaw flaps for a moment. "And Luffy has done it once again, folks."

"Well, it was—" she twists her fingers a little harder "—all of you that did it. Some more than others."

"You say that, and I know you believe it, but in actuality, that's just your mind rationalizing the Luffyness of it All."

"...Did you just call Luffy an eldritch horror my mind had to justify the existence of, assuming it couldn't comprehend the enormity of his being?"

Usopp snaps a finger gun at her. "Not-no."

"He does have quite the talent," Robin adds, releasing Nami from their blanket prison with a smirk as her girlfriend lets out an ear-splitting squeal.

Hancock gasps, blinking rapidly and standing stiff as a board when Nami barrels into her, arms out like she has no idea where to put them as Nami squeezes.

"Oh," she stammers, hesitantly laying her hands across Nami's shoulder blades, "this is— a far better reception than anticipated."

Zoro snorts, feeling a tug of sympathy even amidst a maelstrom of other feelings. Relief beats a steady pulse, outmatched only by disbelief and the wounded-animal gnashing teeth in his chest. He shoves that one way down, at least for tonight, so it only bites him and nobody else.

"Wait." Luffy tilts his head. "I did what?"

Usopp shrugs. "Something, something…" he waves a hand blithely, as though to pull missing words out of thin air.

"The power of love and friendship," Sanji finishes.

"Friendship wizardry," Ace says, "that's his specialty."

"Oooh…" A vigorous bout of nodding sends his cheek rubbing on Zoro's sleeve. "I don't understand at all." He points at the girls. "But this is good, right?"

"It's beautiful!" Franky sobs across the way, strangling Chopper in a blubbering chokehold. "Welcome back, Hancock!"

"I can't see shit," comes a muffled cry, limbs twitching outward from Franky's mass like a dying spider attached to his chest. "I'm sure it's really nice though."

"Oh, man, Zoro's even fucking crying," Sanji lies with his next exhale of smoke.

The spidery limbs twitch with more desperation to escape. Usopp snorts, falling sideways into Sanji with the force of his laugh.

"He's sobbing, Chopper," the asshole continues, eyes trained on a wheezing puddle of Usopp steadily slumping into his lap. "Truly over the goddamn moon to have his best frenemy back. Like Christmas came early for all us shitty little orphans."

"I'm gonna kick his ass," Zoro mumbles, low enough only Luffy hears.

"But Zo-ro," he whines, chin digging in as he speaks, "I'm warm." He raises his head and his voice, nearly shouting in his ear. "Sanji, shut your face-hole of lies! I don't wanna be cold!"

"Fine," Sanji groans, "Zoro's scowling his scowl, and I'm a lying liar."

Chopper's limbs come to a halt. "You're a bastard."

"I'm sure that's what my parents wished, but," he gestures vaguely in the air, "alas, I exist in this ill-bred state."

"You good?" Usopp and Nami ask at the exact same time.

"That was freaky as fuck," Sanji non-answers. "Anyway, Hancock, you're a vision as usual."

Zoro can't help himself. "Even with all those twigs and leaves in your hair."

Eyes widening, she grasps wildly at her head.

He snorts when she finds nothing but smooth locks. "Gotcha, priss."

Hancock rolls her eyes, shooting him a helplessly fond look. "Ha-ha, so very funny coming from someone who has an arboretum on his head."

He startles a bit at the attention, realizing it's the first time she's acknowledged him directly. Her expression shutters at whatever his face is doing, gaze darting away, but she lets Nami yank her into her and Robin's nest of blankets.

Ace salutes her. "Welcome back, Fiona."

Hancock stares at him. And then stares harder, eyes scrunching into slits. "Did— did you forget my name?"

Zoro, as lost as she is, says, "He probably just decided to rename you."

The pity-horror expressions return.

"What? What the fuck did I say now?"

Ace sighs. "It's a Shrek reference, guys. Princess Fiona? Because Franky got you her chia husband?"

He and Hancock exchange confused glances.

The pity-horror expressions intensify. Admittedly, it's nice that it's not solely focused on Zoro for once.

"They're like martians sometimes," Usopp rasps into the silence. "Startled by casual affection, confused by pop-culture references, incensed by things others aren't offended by…"

Sanji chokes on his next inhale. "Oh my god—"

"That's it," Zoro leans forward, "I'm gonna kick his ass."

Luffy's arms entrap him more firmly. "Usopp's or Sanji's?"

"Yes."

The next morning heralds Hancock's full reintegration, Salome and Chia Shrek once more claiming real estate on the pet shelf.

Usopp, for once, sleeps in the passenger seat while Nami takes the helm.

Zoro's less focused on Susan's excited chirping at having their snake friend back than whatever the fuck is wrong with Sanji. Bloodshot eyes, twitchy swirls. Jaw clenched hard enough to crack a molar.

"Is this you on harder drugs or a lack of sleep?" he snaps bluntly.

The eyebrow twitch progresses into an eye lid twitch. "Do podcasts count as hard drugs?"

Franky nods. "Some would argue they're the hardest drug of all, bro."

"This is… hour ten now?" He waves a hand at the side of his head. "I can feel my left eardrum trying to escape."

Nami scrunches her nose. "You could just switch ears. I feel like that's the obvious solution here."

"I've been switching ears. Believe me, they've gotten equal violation."

Chopper crosses his arms. "They've gotten equal what?"

"Visitation."

"That is absolutely not what you said."

Sanji's dead-eyed stare drills into him. "Vivaciousness."

"I don't even think that's a word," Zoro argues.

"Oh," Robin says pitiably, "honey…"

Hancock and Nami both chortle like rude hyenas.

Sanji's eyes don't even deglaze at their obvious glee, which is alarming on an entirely separate level. Zoro refuses to admit it tickles his concern even internally.

"Vichyssoise."

"I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that's an actual word."

"It's an actual word."

"...You're a fucking liar."

"I'm not!" Oh, there goes the eye-twitch again. "It's FRENCH!"

"See?" Zoro scoffs. "I knew it was made-up."

"He's got you there," Luffy tuts at them. "Everyone knows France isn't real."

"That's where birds are from," Ace elaborates, "which is why they're also not real."

Hancock narrows her eyes at the flamingo, somehow perfectly upright in the moving van. "And evil."

"...and evil."

From the depths of the gnome basket, so says Furbie, "Doo."

As far as Zoro's concerned, Evil Bird Incarnate has spoken in favor of ghost country France.

"What the fuck are you even listening to, curly?" he asks, eager to move on and not give any other possessed objects room to speak.

"Shut!" Sanji shouts, shoving an aggressive finger in his face. He then squints, looking him up and down. "Hmm…"

Zoro balks at him as he hunches over his phone and starts vigorously screenshotting something. He glances at Luffy, who only gives a helpless shrug.

And then Zoro feels his phone buzz in his pocket no less than six times.

Morbid curiosity overtakes him as he swipes into the new messages from Emo Noodle. Controlling his expressions gets more difficult with every picture of podcast episodes and quiz titles.

Are YOU Gay?

No Homo or Full Homo

Guessing Your Sexuality (super accurate)

Gaydar for Dummies

This is all followed by a horrifying number of question marks typed by Sanji himself.

Taking a deep breath, he sends back a tentative: If you have to ask THAT MANY times, the answer is probably yes.

Sanji launches his phone and more fictional expletives at the flamingo.

"Strike!" Ace and Luffy cheer.

Testing, testing, 123…

How did you like your heaping plate of crack?