9 - Still Hurting

She almost tripped on the flowers as she stumbled out of her dorm room late the next afternoon, a splitting headache throbbing behind her eyes and a need for coffee and something fried rumbling in her stomach. Carlos hadn't come to the party as she'd hoped, and she perhaps had imbibed a little too much alcohol as a way of coping with it, staggering back to the dorm room she shared with Sarah just before dawn and immediately crashing face down on her bed.

Usually, Carlos would insist on keeping her awake a while before letting her go to bed, funnelling water into her to help sober her up some before sleep. He said it helped with the hangover, and given the evidence she was dealing with this morning, having not taken the time for any of that before passing out, she was inclined to finally believe he was right. Steph had never felt this close to death after a night of drinking.

Steadying herself on the door frame, she adjusted her sunglasses on her nose - the aviators she'd stolen from Carlos on the trip to Point Pleasant over spring break - and stared down at the vase of fluffy pompom flowers in white, yellow and red. It took a lot of willpower not to give in to the pressure in her head as she bent to pick them up and carry them inside, placing them on the edge of Sarah's desk, assuming the arrangement was from her roommate's boyfriend to apologise for whatever he'd done to offend her this fortnight. Although he usually delivered the flowers in person so he could grovel, and this arrangement seemed nicer than the gas station bouquets he favoured, Steph just assumed he'd really fucked up this time and needed a grander gesture to make up for it.

Steph had suggested Sarah cut Dennis loose on a few occasions when she'd come home to find her roommate crying into her pillow, but Sarah was in love, and convinced that she could fix him. She couldn't force the girl to stop loving him any more than she could convince herself she didn't love Carlos, so she just did her best to be there for her friend through the tough times.

Double-checking that she still had her keys and phone, Steph once again started out on her quest for caffeine and grease. She debated stopping by Carlos's room to see if he wanted to join her, but the insistent growl of her stomach made up her mind that food had to come first. She could always head back to his room after to see if he was around to hang out. It was Saturday, and she didn't recall him mentioning having plans, but he'd also never skipped a party to study before either.

It was a short trip down to the dining hall where Steph retrieved a mediocre coffee and a passable hamburger before swiping her meal card and heading back the way she'd come. The burger was half gone, and she was letting the caffeine seep into her soul and chase away the lingering effects of her night when the door to Carlos's dorm room finally opened. But it wasn't Carlos standing in front of her.

Smiling brightly at Carlos's roommate, Steph used the back of her burger-filled hand to push her sunglasses up onto her head so she could see better despite the small stab of discomfort this caused behind her eyes. "Morning Thom," she greeted.

"Ah, shit," Thom responded, his expression sagging from curiosity to something Steph was pretty sure bordered on anger. "He didn't tell you."

Steph froze with her mouth agape, the burger poised at the edge of her teeth as a trickle of concern shivered down her spine, curling into her stomach and threatening to undo every ounce of good the food had done for her hangover. "Didn't tell me what?" she asked.

Thom dragged a hand through his floppy, black hair and shook his head. His shoulders drooped and his eyebrows rearranged themselves into something sympathetic on his forehead when he met her gaze once more. "He left. This morning. Packed up his shit and just left."

Now it was Steph's turn to shake her head. She couldn't understand what he was saying. What did he mean, Carlos just left? Left where? Why? For how long? The questions tumbled from her lips as she barged into the room, taking in the stripped-down bed, the cleared-off desk, and the space where Carlos's shoes used to be lined up against the wall under the window. Nothing. There was nothing left to show that Carlos had once lived here. Every last suggestion of his presence was gone.

"He said he was going to tell you goodbye before he left," Thom explained from where he still stood with his back braced against the open door. "I told him he was an idiot for leaving at all," he added as Steph turned in a slow circle, searching for any sign of her best friend. Any small hint that this was a joke. A prank. This had to be a prank, surely. "Even bigger idiot if he didn't talk to you first. He didn't look like his head was screwed on right, but not even the RA could talk him out of leaving."

"No," Steph whispered, shaking her head adamantly. "No, he wouldn't leave. He wouldn't. Not without telling me. Not without -" She cut herself off as she remembered the flowers in front of her door. "Oh no." The coffee and burger slid from her hands, plopping and spilling across the carpet, but she didn't pay it any mind as she tore out of the room as fast as her flip-flops could take her. She didn't have the time or patience to wait for the elevator, instead bursting through the stairwell door and racing up the three floors to her own room.

Her hands were shaking as she pulled her keys from the pocket of the hoodie she'd thrown on after her shower half an hour ago - Carlos's hoodie - and she fumbled them so much they slipped from her fingers twice before she managed to slide the key into the lock and turn it.

The flowers were still sitting on Sarah's desk where she'd put them, untouched, but as she paused in the doorway, breaths sawing in and out of her lungs, her vision tunnelled in on the envelope attached to the vase. The one she'd ignored earlier. The one that clearly had her name spelled out on it in Carlos's neat handwriting.

"No," she moaned, sinking to her knees in front of it, gripping the edge of the table so hard her knuckles turned white. "No, no, no, no, no!" She hadn't even seen what he'd written in that note, what excuses he'd made for why he had to leave without telling her and her heart was already breaking. The shards of it tore through everything else in her chest.

He was the first person to encourage her to be herself. He was her confidence. Her support. Her best friend. She never worked up the courage to tell him how she really felt.

With trembling hands, she reached for the envelope and, carefully, so as not to destroy the lettering on the front, she coaxed it open And slid out the single sheet of lined paper that looked like it had come from one of Carlos's binders.

Steeling herself for another onslaught of emotion, Steph took a deep breath and held it as she unfolded the pages and started to read.

Babe,

Anything I write feels inadequate to sum up how much your friendship has meant to me. From the second you threw yourself in front of me, I have been in awe of your strength of will. Which is why I'm confident you'll continue to grow and thrive without me.

It has been a pleasure to share in part of your journey, but the time has come for me to embark on my own. I told you during our senior year that I was thinking of joining the army. And I would have if you hadn't asked me to stay with you. But I can't deny the call any longer. There's so much good I can do out there that's not going to be achieved by writing pointless assignments to prove my knowledge. I can't sit and idle any longer.

And I don't want to hold you back.

Be unapologetically you, Babe. Show the world the sunshine in your soul and don't let the likes of Helen snuff out your light. Show the world the Stephanie Plum you shared with me.

You deserve to be free.

Love,

Carlos

She couldn't believe it. No way was this real. No way was Carlos actually leaving her. Not after everything they'd been through. She dug her phone out of her pocket, almost fumbling it as she tried to get her shaking hands to cooperate. He could be completely gone. She could still talk him out of it. She could still -

The number you are calling is not connected.

A half-desperate growl of frustration left her and she dialled again with the same results. She tried three more times before she finally had to accept that she wasn't going to get through. Carlos had really left her. But worse, he was cutting her out of his life entirely. If he wanted to join the army, that was fine, she'd support his decision even though she'd miss him. But to disconnect his phone so she couldn't contact him felt like an act of betrayal. Everything they'd built - years of friendship - severed. And for what? Why?

A broken sob ripped out of her throat and she collapsed to the floor. A ragdoll. Discarded, doubled over, a pile of tears and agony and broken dreams. She'd never get the chance to tell him she loved him now.

She had no idea how long she stayed like that, tears tracking down her face and dripping from her nose, gasping for breath and hugging herself like she could keep all the shattered bits of herself in place. Her headache grew until it filled every last inch of her head with a pounding pressure, and she felt like it was going to explode. And all the while her chest was collapsing in on itself, like a black hole had formed where her heart had been and it was sucking everything into oblivion.

At some point, she must have found just enough energy to crawl into bed, because she woke to the sound of soft, concerned voices in the doorway.

The hangover she'd been on her way to curing when she discovered Carlos's disappearance seemed to have gathered strength with the emotional turmoil she'd been thrown into, coupled with what was probably at least some level of dehydration. She felt like she'd been run over by a truck. Repeatedly. And she wished whoever was whispering nearby would leave and let her die in peace.

She must have made the mistake of moving or making a sound because, in the next moment, Sarah's voice broke away from the conversation and approached. The mattress dipped a moment before a hand landed hesitantly on Steph's shoulder.

"Steph?" she called quietly. "Are you okay?"

If there was any humour left in her body, Steph might have laughed. Of course she wasn't okay! At this point, she didn't think she'd ever be okay again. Using gravity to aid her efforts, Steph rolled languidly, burying her face in the pillow and letting out a fresh, broken sob that might have been accompanied by a new wave of tears if she had any left to give.

Sarah murmured sympathetic noises, and rubbed her back in long soothing motions. It was the same gesture Carlos had used when she broke down after learning her Grandpa Mazur had passed away last semester after a heart attack. And that realisation unleashed another bout of emotion, threatening to drag her under.

She wrapped her arms tightly around Sarah's waist, needing to hold onto something as her body was wracked with more sobs. Her face was pressed into Sarah's hip, and she wanted to scream. She wanted to tear the world apart. To tear her heart out of her chest and bury it where it could never cause her this type of pain again.

It took a long time, but eventually, Steph managed to calm herself enough to release Sarah and sit up. A wave of dizziness, accompanied by a pointed throb in her temples made her scrunch her eyes closed against the dim light coming from the bedside lamp.

"Car-" she tried to explain, but her voice was dry and croaky, cracking on the first syllable. She tried to swallow and clear her throat, and a bottle of water appeared in her hand with quiet instructions to take small sips. She did so and tried again, staring down at her hands as she fiddled with the cap. "Carlos left," she explained. "He's dropping out and joining the army."

"Oh, Steph," Sarah said, sympathy dripping off her tone. "He broke up with you?"

With the bottle pressed to her lips for another swallow, Steph frowned and shook her head slowly. She abandoned the drink. "We weren't dating," she pointed out. Which, if she allowed herself to acknowledge her feelings, was sort of the problem. She wasn't certain at what point over the years of their friendship her feelings had started to tip over from liking him as a friend, to being secretly in love with him, attracted to him, harbouring a deep longing to be with him as something more than a best friend. But despite all her daydreams to the contrary, Carlos had never once looked at her romantically.

It was the reason she'd avoided dating for the last six months. She couldn't keep Carlos out of her head long enough to allow someone else in.

Sarah exchanged a meaningful look with the people still standing in the doorway, but didn't say anything. Steph let her gaze wander over for the first time, diligently ignoring the vase of flowers on the desk nearby, to discover Louise and the female RA, Jennifer, standing there with worry etched into their features.

Another throb of the headache caused Steph to groan and press a hand to her head as she snapped her eyes shut again.

"You went to that party last night, didn't you?" Jennifer asked gently. "Were you drinking?"

If anyone else had asked, Steph would have denied it. She was still underage and didn't relish the thought of getting in trouble for drinking on top of everything else she was now dealing with, but she trusted Jennifer. As the Residents Advisor, she had proven numerous times over the time Steph had been living in the dorms that she always put the well-being of the residents first. Jennifer wouldn't tell anyone about her drinking unless she absolutely had to.

"Yeah," Steph croaked.

"You were up and about earlier, did you have anything to eat or drink then?"

Steph started to shake her head, but thought better of it, swallowing hard before she answered verbally instead. "I got a coffee and a burger from the dining hall, but I -" she grimaced, remembering what had happened to her food and drink. "-I dropped it in Carlos's room when Thom told me he'd left." Her voice cracked again, this time with emotion, and she had to press her lips together to keep from bursting into tears again. He's gone.

Jennifer nodded understanding. "You're probably dehydrated," she explained. "Drink some water, take a couple of Tylenol, and grab a Gatorade when you go down for dinner to restore some electrolytes. If it gets worse, see the campus doctor or go to the hospital."

A slow, cautious nod confirmed that Steph had heard and understood, and a look shared with the other girls made sure they would keep an eye on their friend. Then, Jennifer had one last piece of advice to impart before she left them to it. "You know where I am if you need to talk."

Silence filled the dorm room after the RA's exit. Steph continued to sip her water and try not to think about Carlos while Louise disappeared into the shared bathroom to retrieve painkillers.

"Did he-" Sarah started to ask, but Steph shook her head slowly.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said woodenly. She swallowed the pills Louise offered, closed her eyes, and leaned her head back against the wall, tears tracking defiantly down her cheeks.

*o*

Things weren't the same without Carlos. The days passed in a blur. She forced herself to go to all her classes, but she couldn't concentrate, couldn't pay attention, and couldn't recall a single topic that was discussed in any of the lectures. She was barely eating, barely sleeping. Life had become dim and meaningless.

On the second day after Carlos left, Steph thought to go after him. If he'd disconnected his phone and her emails kept bouncing back to her inbox, undeliverable, she could at least chase him down and confront him in person, right?

After all, how quick would a college drop out actually get into basic training?

Unfortunately, her friends must have predicted that she'd try that kind of drastic measure because when she'd stormed out to her car in the residential parking complex, she couldn't find her car keys in her bag. She returned to her dorm and practically pulled apart the whole room until Sarah had returned from breakfast and told her they'd given her keys to Jennifer to look after.

She might have gone a little off the rails then, yelling at Sarah about personal property, and boundaries, and her absolute need to stop Carlos from making the worst decision of his life. It had, predictably, ended in tears as Sarah explained that they were worried she was going to ruin her life over some guy.

Steph wanted to argue that Carlos wasn't just some guy, but she knew they wouldn't understand. None of them had ever had a friend like Carlos. They couldn't begin to understand the deep connection they shared. So instead, she nodded sullenly, thanked them for caring so much, and trudged back out the door to go to class.

The thought did occur to her that she could probably pay someone on campus to drive her, but the more she contemplated it, the more she found the problems with the idea. None of her friends were going to agree to it, which meant she'd have to ask someone she didn't know, which was dangerous. There were all sorts of weirdos out there, and there was no telling what they would do to Steph - a vulnerable female - once they got her alone.

Not only that, she would need to give an address or destination of some kind. Carlos's Tia's house in Trenton was her obvious choice, but if Carlos really didn't want her following him, and trying to talk him out of his plans, she didn't think he was dumb enough to go to the one home she could locate with her eyes shut. And aside from knowing his parents' house was in Newark, she didn't know how to find him there. Would he even go to his parents' house? They'd shuffled him off to relatives at the first time of trouble. Something told me they wouldn't be all that pleased that he was dropping out of college. And would he even tell them?

All the logistical thinking caused her headache to come back with a vengeance, so she decided to turn her brain off. She wouldn't think of Carlos. She wouldn't acknowledge the gaping chasm in her chest where her heart used to be. She just shambled through life like a zombie.

A zombie-like state was the perfect description of what she was in as she sat at a table in the dining hall, alone, one lunchtime several days after the party. She had a roast beef sandwich in front of her with a single bite out of it, a can of Coke still mostly full, and a container of carrot sticks she'd only picked up because Carlos would have pointed out that she needed a vegetable for her meal sitting untouched beside her hand.

She was staring at nothing, her thoughts lost in the ether when a figure approached and sat down directly across from her, sliding a takeaway coffee towards her and cradling his own between his hands. He levelled a scrutinising look at her over the lid and raised one well-manicured eyebrow at her when she eventually managed to focus her gaze on his face.

"What the hell happened to you, Honey?"