Chapter 32
Somethings are Meant to Be
While at the party, Peter is preparing to sink his claws into Emma. He mixed Emma's cocktail and gave it to her, "My grandfather's secret stash of blueberry brandy can cure any worries."
"Thanks," Emma hesitated before taking the cup and holding it, she wasn't really in the mod to drink. He hid his anticipation carefully to not tip off Sean or Emma.
"Were you two close?" She changed the subject. Something told her like the guardian angel on her shoulder not to drink whatever was in the glass.
"Who?"
"You and your grandfather?"
"Sure." Peter replied, he didn't really know him but he knew it was a good amount of proof it was his favorite. Sean is very protective of Emma, especially from Peter who he knows is slime. He hadn't really known him long, but now that he has he wishes he was anywhere but here but he has a moral obligation not to leave Emma of all people alone with him.
Peter kept pestering him about drinking and drinks but it's not really his fault he doesn't know his history but he also thinks the drink is spiked because he knows as long as Sean is sober he'll be a constant cockblock.
Sean came from a long line of alcoholics and addicts so he was smart to stay clear of that stuff. He'd have a beer every once in a while, maybe puff and pass once or twice but never much more than that. He doesn't trust enough people to drink around them and he keeps his feet on the ground rather than get swept away like his family once did. He knows Emma can take care of herself but he doesn't trust Peter. His intentions are pure, unlike Peter. Peter wants to make Emma a part of his collection and Sean isn't stupid as Peter thinks. Sean's got plans of his own, that is until they heard some commotion by the front door.
Jay woke up and saw from the bedside table his phone was open where he had missed calls and messages from Emma and Sean. He groggily rubbed his eyes while sitting up to retrieve the phone. "Shit," he yawned, "I'm missing that stupid party." He initially didn't want to go but had a bad feeling and knew that it was likely Sean and Emma reminding him or worse, Emma needing his help.
Jay didn't intend to fall asleep for so long, but the unsettling dream that he and Peter had some weird exchange was far from reality. He had no clue how long he'd been sleeping, sleep wasn't easy for him, but when he saw the time on the face of his phone he knew he had to get there, Emma was there with Peter, a known skeeze, he'd known that all along before he'd even seen him, and he knew he had an unshakable bad feeling and knew he needed to get Emma out of that situation. First, he texted her, "I fell asleep."
Meanwhile, Emma uncomfortably looked at Sean, subtly signaling to him that she wanted to leave when Jay rang the doorbell. Peter answered the door and slugged him right in the face. They struggled for a time before Emma yelled out, "Stop!"
A pause fell on the three, "I never want to see you again, Peter. Stay the hell away from my girlfriend."
Peter puts his hands up and then Emma faces Jay.
With pleading eyes he stammered out, "I didn't -"
"Let's go." Emma decidedly stated as Jay, Sean, and Emma went outside, she didn't just walk she grabbed Jay and Sean walked solo. Since she caught a ride with Sean before the party she privately wanted to bid goodbye before dealing with Jay. Did Jay know something she didn't or did his anger and temper get in the way? She quietly told Sean as Jay tended to his injury out front by his car awaiting her.
"So, that was eventful." Sean awkwardly broke the ice with his hands in his pockets.
"I'll say."
"I'm just," she ran her hands through her hair and talked with her hands, "I can't believe this. I guess I'm gonna drive Jay home. I'm sorry about all this."
Peter just looked out the window, perhaps it was time to give up, step aside, and ignore her as she did him. He figured maybe it's not worth it, he's not one to give up so easily but she has her hands full with Jay for sure and he figured that's punishment enough for her.
Sean sighed, "Are you alright?"
"I'll be fine, you know it," Emma replied confidently. " Thanks for being there."
"Eh, it was nothing, just being a friend. For whatever it's worth, you know he's just protective of you, but I'll see you, you know where to find me." Sean went in the car and Emma walked to Jay's car.
She wasn't happy with what transpired. Why was he late? Why didn't he call? He had explaining to do. She knew she made the right decision on paper to be with Jay. They'd both been through so much together over the past few months. She needed time to think, but he wanted to talk right away.
Jay lamented, "I don't know what came over me or why I did that. You know, I had a bad feeling about tonight."
"I did too, you weren't there, you didn't see him try to force us to drink with him, he made it seem like others were going to be there and you, I don't know where you were. I was fucking terrified, especially around him."
"I'm sorry, Em. I had fallen asleep and had an awful nightmare about him, and you, and I guess it doesn't matter." Jay sighed, "I know I shouldn't have hit him, but I guess I knew he was up to no good, not that it's an excuse or anything. I'm sorry."
"So you fell asleep?"
"What did you think?" Jay asked.
Emma shrugged tiredly at the wheel. "No idea." She yawned, "I wanted to confront him for all the shitty shit he'd done to me, to Manny mostly, and I guess he wasn't who I thought he was. He's much, much worse. For whatever reason he has bad intentions, just like how I thought initially you had for me."
"You thought I had bad intentions?" Jay scoffed in a question. He was hurt that she'd suggest that. She wasn't necessarily wrong or right.
"I just thought, I didn't say you did. I just thought when we first, you know, started spending time together I didn't have high hopes. I thought you were using me. I thought it was just for your entertainment, during the Dracula era, old times."
"Oh yeah, that." Jay replied somewhat sadly and a bit harshly he questioned, "Are you gonna hold that over my head forever?" She didn't say anything facing the road as she drove and he winced as the light hit his eyes, "If that's the case maybe we do need to have a serious moment to talk. I made so many mistakes. I should've been honest with you. I should be doing the right thing."
"What's the right thing? What honesty?" Emma questioned, unsure of what he was to say. She thought to herself, What if Peter presses charges? What if he goes to jail? Who would be by her side? Jay would be locked up, what'll stop Peter then? Did she need to get a restraining order, then Jay spoke.
"I've got a confession to make, I liked you from the beginning, yeah even during the old times."
Emma just listened to him, occasionally looking over at him but didn't want to get into a car accident. They were at a stop light when he said, "I know I was a jerk, I thought it'd be fun to play the field and keep my cool, but life had other plans, you and I ended up becoming more than I ever could want and I'm happy, you eventually saw past that shit because I was always interested in you. Before you say it, It was more than virtue. It was more than I didn't even know. I know I'm much more fond of you than you are of me, but for some reason, we work."
"This is not the time for memory lane, because that shit messes with my head. I didn't need to know that. I know I was there, and it didn't feel like you wanted me for real back then, but for the first time since we met, I felt like you had abandoned me when I needed you. I was scared of Peter. I didn't know what his plans were, and when I couldn't get a hold of you I was afraid he'd done something. I know you fell asleep but it was terrifying not knowing what was going on. I know you can't promise, but please don't do something like that again."
"I know you have some sort of abandonment issues." Jay realized that she cared for him just as much as she said. For the first time, he realized that she had been idle at a stop light in hysterics pissing off the people behind her as they beeped. "I know you confide a lot of shit in me, and I try to give you advice."
"Of course."
"Maybe you should talk to someone, you know, like a therapist about that because and don't take it the wrong way."
"I thought you said I didn't need to, that I'm fine. Remember?"
"There was a lot you didn't deal with, and when I said what I said I didn't want you to go or you didn't need it. You have nightmares and I learned a terrible lesson that my actions ended up ricocheting into what happened to you. I hurt you, through Rick's actions unintentionally." And then he sighed crestfallen, "Besides, I probably do more hurt than help. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I know Peter, or guys like him if you're afraid of the worst? He could be capable of a lot or nothing at all."
She resumed driving and she sighed and stammered out, "I did bad things to Rick too. He was a literal ticking time bomb, not to make a bunch of excuses or reasons why."
"No, Em. Not like me." Jay replied. "Sure, throw him into a locker, big whoop, I'd bully him, beat him up, throw him in a dumpster, dump yellow paint and feathers onto him, then lie to him, conned him to believe Jimmy was responsible for the incident, and then what happened? I have to deal with that. Not the actions, the repercussions. Expulsion is the tip of the iceberg, I feel guilty as hell but I will not show it, and if anyone says so, I'll deny it, kind of like a bad habit."
"Jay." Emma sternly warned nearing uncomfortable feelings, "I know, okay? I know I didn't deserve him doing what he did, and I don't want to rehash it. Please, not tonight." She sighed, "I hate violence."
"You might've been right that day, remember? Yes, I might be a bad person, but you're not and with every fiber of my being I care so much for you your happiness is important to me but these issues are going to come up and destroy us, us that I want, and I can't have that happen again. I lost you once, I'm not going to lose you again. You hear me?" They pulled up at Jay's house.
"You're not going to lose me."
He wasn't so convinced, but he knew he didn't want to be in a world where they'd be apart. "Promise?"
"Oh gosh, I guess you're gonna have to trust me." She softly smiled in a small effort to put him at ease, how could she promise something like that so informally? She doesn't believe in the prospect of marriage, given her examples of such things. She considered how Caitlin almost married Joey, and how her parents are currently married and all they do is argue. Who says anything about marriage? Besides, she's seventeen.
"Jay, it was very much a shock kind of what happened back there, I was just angry. I know, okay?" She didn't want to lose her temper; she typically has a pretty good handle on her emotions.
"Okay, so you agree that Rick was a piece of shit who deserved what happened to him? It helps when I remember who he was before he did what he did. He hit that girl, Terri,and put her in a coma. I know how violence affected Lexxi, violence, she's a survivor. You remember that he shot up our school. I suppose he was a ticking time bomb. I don't feel bad about him dying. I feel bad about how it all affected you and Sean. Sean's my best friend, I do trust him and I feel guilty. You're my girlfriend. I did feel bad, bad about how my actions and the actions of the others got wildly out of control. Tonight though, I lost my shit on Peter, and I'm truly sorry. I didn't want you to see that."
"But I did." She replied somewhat humorously "I understand. It's a good thing I don't think I'll be seeing him for a while. We're going to be fine. I'll talk to my mom and Snake. It might be good for me to let things out and talk about things."
"Are you staying over tonight?" Jay asked softly, "Like old times? Maybe we can I don't know watch a movie or something?"
"You should ice your hand."
"Ah, I ain't worried. How about it though?"
She beamed and nodded, a part of her didn't want to make any waves, but a larger part of her wanted to just be home, alone, which is impossible since she has a full house and Jay is metaphorically twisting her arm knowing she can't resist. She truthfully wanted time, and space to process the things that happened last night, and maybe get the help she needed so that she didn't destroy her relationship with Jay, the person she believed she was and was in love with. Against her better judgment, she replied, "Let me call and let Manny and my mom know I won't be back home."
"Well just chill. I have cable and I rented a few from Blockbuster."
-x-x-x-x-
Jay silently unlocked the front door of his apartment and then hung the keys on the little hook by the door.
Before flicking the entryway lights on, he apologized for the mess, she noticed but claimed, "It's fine."
She did what she said she was going to do and then afterward she went in the freezer to look for an ice pack for his hand but found an unopened bag of frozen peas. She shrugged took them out and wrapped them in a hand towel, "They'll have to do."
She reemerged from the kitchen and sat beside him on his patchwork old couch and placed the makeshift pack on his bruised hand. He winced at first but it felt good a few moments later. "Twenty minutes on, and twenty minutes off."
"What's this for?" Jay asked.
"So your hand doesn't swell up and heal." She answered with a far-off expression, "Leave it on there."
"Yes, Nurse Emma." He joked he noticed a little space between them, and he inched closer and replied, "Sit closer."
She ignored her hesitation and rested her head upon his shoulder after a peck on the cheek, but it didn't feel right, was that a good thing to do? She didn't know. Why is it that after everything they'd been through, she didn't trust her instincts anymore regarding Jay? They kind of breezed through the bases in the beginning and now she's unsure what intimacy sans the sex would even look like. After the sobering conversation they had on their way from Stone Manor just seemed weird to do that. She wondered if they rushed everything, and feared that if she brought it up, would she be on the ledge of the end? She closed her eyes and tried hard to feel comfortable, but he picked up that all wasn't right in her head.
"Did I do anything wrong, besides the obvious?"
She shrugged and rose from where she was and turned her head to face him, "I don't know. I just got a bad feeling."
"Penny for your thoughts?" Jay asked with a sincere expression, which made her feel somewhat more comfortable about sharing.
After a long pause, she hesitated and then asked what she was thinking out loud, "Did we rush this?"
"What do you mean?" He adjusted himself on the couch and leaned back to sit up more. Then, he realized what she meant, and he narrowed his eyes, he was worried and got that old familiar tinge in his stomach, a bad feeling that maybe she's figured out what he so desperately didn't want her to, that he loved her far more than she loved him, or not as bad but felt regret about things, "Well, what do you want the long or short answer?" Then he figured, maybe that's what she thinks.
"Honestly? I think that's something you have to ask yourself, Em. Was it something I said? Do you have doubts? Regrets? I don't, well maybe a few but that has nothing to do with you in particular."
She was silent, not the best sign but rather she was selecting her words carefully. "It's stupid." She finally rested on an excuse, "And besides, it's late and maybe it's just the drinks I had at Peter's."
"Nothing you could say is stupid, but we can have no rush, no pressure now, we can table this conversation for tomorrow."
She had reinvigorated faith in this, the fact that he said something so simple but she felt respected, "We can?" She paused and then said, "You're not upset?"
"No. I get why you'd say that, but we won't breathe a word of it until tomorrow." Jay sighed looking at his hand, and backed up at her, "Just don't give up on me, on us."
"It's not like that, but I promise we'll talk tomorrow." She yawned and stretched her arms out and said, "I'm kind of tired."
Emma didn't always like how influential the hold he had on her was. Was it normal? She'd never been feeling this loved, this comfortable, or safe. Was just the honeymoon period over? The fact that forever felt so final, but right at the same time? Now she felt confused but the fact that he respected her and didn't show worry, no egg shells admittedly felt good.
"I'm not tired, you can take the bed. I'll sleep out here with the TV."
He didn't want to sleep, not when he knew something was on her mind, so if it hurt her it hurt him, and if it upset her, it would also nag at him. All it did was worry him, the fear of losing the girl of his dreams, because that's what she is to him. He's never been a wordsmith or a romantic until she became more to him and it's pure, something he's never been in life since perhaps childhood. She is among the few who have seen that side of him, the vulnerable side.
It was painful, but he wanted to give her the space, perhaps she'll come around if he does and he does hold respect for her. He regretted what he had done to Peter because it upset and caused a rift and bump in their otherwise loving romance, he had no reason to but the dream he had got to him, regardless of Peter's motives which are less than honorable, he wished he hadn't resorted to violence, he jumped to conclusions, he made an assumption and it could very well destroy everything they'd built together.
He was less concerned if he'd press charges or somehow retaliate, but how? And regardless he had his mind made up about Peter a long time ago. He had a bad feeling about him, mostly due to his jealousy that Emma had initially set her sights on him before they even were a thing.
She hesitated, and then calmly kissed him on the cheek, "Goodnight."
"I love you." Jay confessed, "Goodnight."
She didn't say it back. She was still reeling from the evening, wasn't phased, and didn't want to go to bed mad at him, so she kept things peaceful.
She with a stern expression said, "Remember it'll be 10 minutes before you can take the ice off." He quietly looked down at his hand, a reminder of what transpired. She retired to the bedroom and left the door slightly ajar to allow a small dim lighting to be in the room. The bed looked unkempt and unmade so she grabbed a blanket from the bottom drawer of the trundle and laid on the bed with the new blanket.
-x-x-x-
Morning came he could tell by the sunlight peeking through his living room blinds, that Jay had fallen asleep in front of the TV. He got a solid two hours, but he didn't feel like that was enough. Jay is one of those people who doesn't like to lay back down once he's up, he wanted to make Emma breakfast. So he sprang for the kitchen quietly and opened the fridge to see what he had.
He whispered to himself or no one in particular, he saw he had orange juice, some butter, and milk inside. He looked up at the pantry to see if he had anything more. Luckily, he had cinnamon in the cupboard and some fresh bread so he made French toast. So he took out his old hand-me-down cast iron and a bowl and got started.
Emma woke up to the aroma permeating through the room since she had left the door slightly open. She put back on a dress from the pajama shirt she had managed to steal from him and then she joined him at the kitchen stools by the island. "Are you up at the crack of dawn making pancakes?"
"Even better, french toast."
"Why, thank you, how'd you know it's my favorite?"
"I listen to you."
A tinge of guilt developed, "How'd you sleep?" She changed the subject with a beam and then hesitated and questioned it, "Do I wanna know?"
His back was turned to her as he worked on their breakfast, he slightly snickered and stated calmly, "Eh, I've always been an early person. Why not just get up when my body wakes up?"
"You surprise me every day, babe." She looked at his hand from the stool and beamed softly. She was concerned, "Your hand looks like it healed well. Can I see?"
Jay nodded yes turned his body back around to Emma and lent her a hand, "The twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off sure did the trick."
A brief yet comfortable silence dawned over them, she broke the silence with, "About last night, I was just, I don't know. I got flustered."
Sleeping on her doubts made her feel like it was all so very trivial and didn't need to be explained but she couldn't stop herself, and then she closed herself up just as fast. She got cold feet about the conversation because the last time they almost broke up for real a true tragedy emerged and she is all over the place. "All I'm saying is, I don't know." she shut down again with her eyes downcast, almost feeling embarrassed, "I suppose you've got something to say."
As she trailed off he said, nearly cutting her off, "We don't have to talk about it right now."
"When? I mean, I'm here but for some reason, it's funny, well not really but I just can't find the words."
"I suggest we have that conversation when we're clearer-headed." He poured her some orange juice and presented her with the breakfast on a plate.
She looked up at him, she saw the sincerity in his eyes as if he could communicate those feelings.
She acknowledged the fact he was willing to try to work things out, and showing initiative was admirable, but deep down she knew she'd never trust him, not completely.
How is that healthy? How is that okay? She pondered to herself. What had she done? She'd been through so much, but what she didn't know was that she could trust him if only she knew everything, which wasn't realistically possible. It breaks her heart to an unnecessary degree that perhaps he was right when he said what he said at the club before the tragic car accident, like the scar she's forced to live with on her forehead etched in her memory. For the first time she didn't know what to do, or say, feeling paralyzed by fear of losing him at the same time so conflicted. At the present moment, unlike Emma, Jay knew exactly what he wanted. Is it too late for them to talk things out or to be on the same page? It is now so evident how different they are as people, does that mean it's all hopeless?
She set down her fork and looked up at him, "It's delicious."
"Thanks," Jay replied, waiting for the shoe to drop, the silence was so loud somehow, almost deafening hanging on her word.
"I don't know, when do you think we should talk about this?" Emma asked him softly. Then she reminded him, "You said today yesterday."
"I don't know what you want me to say or do." Jay shrugged without a clue pacing the kitchen before her, which kind of bothered her, he then added, "I mean, I know you don't have any more feelings for Peter, so why are you so pissed about it?"
"It's just, when I see violence, I guess it scares me because I'd never seen that before and to be completely honest I didn't like it. Now I worry he might retaliate or worse."
Jay exasperatedly sighed, "I know. So, how do we move forward from this?"
"I don't think you realize, he has resources, look what he did to Manny, you didn't see how persuasive and scary he is. He got away with it, I don't know how and I don't want to know. You should be careful when it comes to him. Don't underestimate him, and whatever you do you have to avoid him. Which I fully intended to do in the first place."
"Why didn't you just not go?"
"Because I didn't know how it was going to be, but he seemed like he wanted to bury the hatchet, but I was wrong."
"I'm glad you brought Sean with you, even though you two have a history."
"Sean and I are ancient history." Emma asked , "is that what this is about?"
"What?"
"You're jealous of something long over, or at the very least threatened by it." She got up and placed her arms around him, "If I hadn't made it clear, I want to be with you, I chose you over a lot of things, I'm all in, and I just love that you love me for me, you don't want to change me and you're so honest and other things I can't put into words, Jay."
"I thought you wanted to split up. I thought I messed up that bad."
"I wanted space earlier, I just want you to know I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
-x-x-x-
Sean thrust his hand inside the mailbox at his apartment and saw he had been neglecting his mail; he had several things in there. He sifted through the bills, the junk mail, the circulars, and then there it was, a response to an application for a job he applied for ages ago.
He sat down on the kitchen table as he carefully tore the envelope open and it said he received a serious job offer for this job. The catch is, it's out of the country, in the states working with and preparing formula 1 cars for racing. He'd be making a lot of money, more than he'd know what to do with it. They wanted him as soon as possible, he saw the date and so he called the number on the letterhead if they still wanted him and they did.
So naturally he decided to call his best friends to hear of his big news and eventual plans. He was excited for the first time in a long time about what was on the horizon.