Bow before me, future minions! It is I: Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius (formally Evil BOY Genius)! I also accept Prince of Darkness, Tsar of Destruction, King of Taunts, and Master of Evil as alternative titles~

Unless you've been living under a rock, it's likely you've already heard of my infamous name. I am pretty well-known in the major villain circles after all. As for my life's goals, it's standard affair really: I want to rule the world with an iron fist and look stylish while doing it. But first, tragic backstory time! When did I come to realize my dream of establishing a new world order, I hear you asking? Well, I had my not-so-humble beginnings in Second Grade on Career Day. Ahh, I remember it like it was only yesterday…

You see, I was never interested in any of the normal, boring jobs being presented at my school that day. Not like I could pursue any of them anyhow; Mom and Dad were setting me up to take on the family business since before I was even a zygote. But even at a young age I wanted to forge my own path, do something nobody else had ever accomplished, something unique. So, when I got called up in front of the class to say what I wanted to be when I grew up, I proudly declared that I wanted to be THE RULER OF THE EARTH, BABY!

My classmates only responded with laughter. And the teacher gave me detention. Easily the second most humiliating day of my life.

As you can probably infer, I was never what you'd call "popular" despite my wealthy background. My assumption is not too many kids wanted to hang out with a guy that looked like the living dead. It wasn't my fault I was born an albino with dark red eyes and bright red hair for some weird reason. Yeah, don't waste your breath asking me how that's scientifically possible. I may be a genius but I'm not omniscient. What's even more puzzling about that is my family's never had a history with albinism to begin with. So I guess I was just unlucky enough to get it by sheer chance.

Turns out, having a bizarre genetic disorder tends to put some people off. Crazy, I know. But in the end, I say screw 'em! It's not like I ever needed those losers to be happy! I had TV and video games to keep me company!

So yeah, I had ways of distracting myself from the crippling loneliness. Besides, I wouldn't be half the man I am today without those two things in my life. Whenever I was watching a cartoon or kicking butt in a video game, I always felt this special connection with the villains. Not only did they have the coolest designs, but they also had the most depth and relatability. Society always gave them the short end of the stick so, in response, they would fight back against the system to rise to the top where they belonged (bonus points if they considered themselves men or women of science)!

It wasn't uncommon to hear me boo at the lame-o heroes whenever they showed up to thwart the villains' master plans. Killjoys.

Something else I've always had an interest in was anything that featured robots in some capacity. Things like Star Wars, Fallout, Portal, Sonic, the first two Terminators, etc. Heck, even Battle for Bikini Bottom, a licensed SPONGEBOB game, had some pretty cool robot models. Stuff like that is what ultimately inspired me to study up on robotics, which gave rise to my very own personalized army of JackBots!

Never underestimate the influential power of entertainment media, kids. It might inspire you to become a supervillain one day too!

Yup, it was just me hanging out with my loyal robot servants…oh, and occasionally my folks too I guess. As the two CEOs of Spicer Industries (the world's most untouchable, multinational conglomerate next to Disney), they would often be away on business trips. It...kinda sucked, I won't lie. But hey, at least being the son of neglectful yet wealthy parents meant I got to make bank on a whole lotta guilt money!

Anyway, I guess after years of flying in a never-ending loop of business trips, they figured it would be more convenient to live "closer to work" so to speak. As such, we said goodbye to America and moved to where Spicer Industries' HQ was located: China. Have I already mentioned how I come from a long line of shady businessmen and women? I may not care much about inheriting the family business, but I am proud of where I get my underhanded traits from.

Even though my reputation didn't improve by being the only albino exchange student in a Chinese school, at least the new mansion we were living in had a sweet basement to convert into my own evil lair! Besides, school was overrated for the naturally gifted like myself. Showing up to class just became a formality after a while. The only reason I mostly bothered to even attend was to avoid government intervention, and that gets messy when moving to different countries. It was best to abide by the current powers in place before I replace them all with my own evil government.

With a brand-new lab and an ever-growing legion of mechanical soldiers, it seemed like the perfect time to begin my plans for world domination!

…

But then I just had to open that stupid puzzle box and let out the spirit of a fifteen-hundred-year-old witch to sweet talk me into collecting magically quirky artifacts called Shen Gong Wu. That sounded rad at first, but she never said anything about having to fight crazy monk warriors with powers over the four elements! Would've been nice to know that little tidbit from the start, ya hovering old hag!

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, that basically became my life for the next...three years? Ugh, time flies yet it also doesn't go by fast enough. This global treasure hunt I went on ended up being little more than a juggling act between gaining Wu and losing Wu. What started as a potential boon to my evil career became a hinderance as I kept taking two steps back for every one step forward. The writing was on the wall, I needed an escape. Something to get me out of this ancient feud I had unknowingly gotten myself dragged into.

Well...who knew my ticket out would come in the form of my death?

I woke up on my own as my bladder let me know nature was giving me a call. The heavy, dark drapes blocked any sunlight from creeping into my room to harm my albino skin. Checking the AlarmBot I hadn't the heart to dismantle on my nightstand, I saw that it wasn't set to wake me up today. I couldn't help but smile to myself at that. Not being forced to get up at a predetermined time could only mean one thing: it was finally the weekend!

When I wasn't sitting around in the mind-rotting prison that people call school, I was usually getting beaten up by the Xiaolin Losers over Shen Gong Wu during the weekday (sometimes even during school hours where I would have to skip class because my sensors picked up a newly activated Wu). That wasn't to say duty never called during the weekend of course, but it didn't happen nearly as often as I anticipated. Which is good because Saturdays and Sundays were typically when I would rebuild my robots and have some much needed downtime. And since most of the JackBots were still perfectly functional, that meant it was Jack Time, baby!

Slipping out of bed, I lazily trudged into my bathroom to relieve myself. After washing my hands but skipping out on brushing my teeth, I made my way downstairs as I planned out my Saturday in my head. First, I was gonna rewatch some of my favorite shows while snacking on some cereal. Then, I was gonna lock myself in my master bedroom and browse through my extensive video game library. And to cap things off, I'll camp inside my theater room and host a sci-fi movie marathon for the JackBots as we all make witty commentary throughout each film!

Unlike some evil masters, I actually maintained a mutually respectful relationship with my minions. Aside from wanting to stay on their good side in case of a robot uprising unrelated to my schemes, they really were the only things I could truly consider friends. I grew up with each and every one that I built and upgraded. In some ways, we were a big evil family looking out for each other.

Which is more than I can say for my actual family that's supposed to be home right now…

Woah, alright, settle down now, Spicer. Today isn't the day for expressing parental angst. Today is the day to unwind from a stressful week and to have some fun again!

And I would need it too. It was only a week ago that I made a big decision to cut off all ties with someone I once highly respected: Chase Young. An immortal Chinese warlord and ex-Xiaolin Monk, Chase was an evildoer's evildoer. After being seduced to the dark side by the Heylin demon, Hannibal Roy Bean, he made a name for himself throughout human history. Challenging great warriors and adding them to his cursed jungle cat army, Chase easily became one of my all-time evil heroes the day I learned about him on "Villain's Weekly".

However…I had an epiphany a while back in regards to the shapeshifting lizardman. After all the threats, insults, beatings, and time spent serving under him as his pity apprentice, I finally pulled my head out of the clouds and realized something. Something I admittedly should've come to accept long ago but couldn't out of denial and infatuation:

Chase is a big fat jerk.

I get that's somewhat par for the course in the race for world domination, but that still shouldn't be an excuse for poor evil sportsmanship! I worshipped that man as my idol. I aspired to be just like him one day. Whenever he would drop by unannounced to observe a Xiaolin Showdown, I would push past my limit in a heated moment of passion for him and him alone.

There was once a time where I could shyly but proudly admit that, yes, I had a crush on Chase. I mean, how could I not? He single-handedly made being evil sexy as all get out (when he was in his human form that is)! But I know better now. He's always been nothing more than a mere playground bully who just so happens to be immortal. With all the disparaging remarks aimed at me and an ego that could rival Omi's, I'm surprised I managed to overlook it for as long as I did.

So that's why I paid a little visit to Chase's crib last week. I swallowed my fears, grew a pair, and finally called him out on all his crap. It wasn't till halfway through my stammered monologue that I began to really get into it, down to the point where I was straight-up ranting my heart out. Three years' worth of repressed frustration came out all at once, and I didn't go easy on him, even as he sat idly on his throne and allowed me to speak without interruption.

Shockingly, Chase actually complimented me on my bravery after all was said and done. However, that wasn't enough to spare me from the wrath of his jungle cat warriors. Needless to say, I lost his number shortly after I crawled my way back home.

I shook my head, just realizing that not only was I making a huge mess in the kitchen by overflowing the bowl with milk, but that I hadn't even put the cereal in first like a civilized human. Guess thinking about former crushes will do that to a man.

"Ugh, great...Cleanup on Aisle 6!"

As a nearby JackBot heard the call and came in to suck up the spilled milk with a vacuum hose, I went ahead and made myself another bowl of Lucky Charms. I should've figured that a week wasn't enough to magically get over a crush, even one as one-sided as mine. It had taken a lot of tissues and a lot of ice cream to pull myself together in the first two days alone. But after plenty of love and support from my robo-bros (my "robros" if you will), I was able to get past the worst of the…breakup? I don't think it counts as a breakup if we were never an item to begin with. Either way, I was still coming hot off the heels from a toxic relationship and needed more distractions.

Case in point: Saturday morning cartoons.

After some careful consideration, I decided to put on some random episodes of Teen Titans. Despite always rooting for the bad guys both in fiction and in reality, I had to begrudgingly admit, the superhero protagonists in this show were kind of endearing. I've caught myself being drawn to their interpersonal drama at times, being a fellow teen myself. Their lineup of villains was pretty solid too, even if they were nowhere near the level of prestige as Batman's rouges' gallery (Slade excluded). I could honestly see myself chatting it up with Control Freak despite him representing the harmful stereotype of pop culture obsessed geeks being fat.

Plopping myself down on the couch, I dug into my cereal and let the show take me away. It was the little things in life that keep you going. This is no doubt what I would be doing even after I conquer the world, what I was fighting for almost. And no one could take it away from me…

"JACK!"

Ugh, except maybe her.

Stomping up from my evil lair and barging into my living room was none other than the Heylin witch, Wuya, in all her fleshy glory. It wasn't the first time she had reclaimed her living form since becoming a ghost but it was still taking some getting used to. To me, she would always be that nagging, shrill, purple gas blob with a clown mask at her core.

I wasn't even sure how or when she got her human body back. Must've been sometime after she abandoned me for…Chase…when he briefly took over the world last year. Great, as if I wasn't already annoyed enough right now, I go and remind myself of where that jerk succeeded whereas I failed.

"Wuyaaaaa! Whaaaaat!?" I moaned while finishing my bite of Lucky Charms. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of my Saturday morning cartoon binge?"

After fully making her way into my living, the Heylin witch glanced over at the VCR clock. "'Morning'? It's already past noon, you lazy child! You've wasted half of the day sleeping and you're only NOW getting breakfast!?"

"Uh, yeah? You should know by now that I need my twelve hours of shut-eye before I can properly tackle the day," I explained yet again while taking another bite of my cereal. "Which is why one of the first things I plan to do as Evil Emperor of Darkness is extend the morning hours to accommodate night owls. Honestly, society expecting us to be up at six in the morning is its own form of tyranny."

Wuya cringed. "Don't talk with your mouth full. It's disgusting."

That's rich coming from the girl who used to be one stinky ghost.

Swallowing my last bite and wiping my mouth with my sleeve, I asked, "Why do you even care how I choose to spend my Saturday anyway? I'm off the clock right now."

"Think again, boy. I just detected a new Shen Gong Wu revealing itself while I was downstairs meditating."

At that, I let out a long, agonized groan of despair.

"Do not be a whiner, Jack Spicer…" Wuya warned with a dangerous flash of her green eyes. "This isn't just about consolidating power for myself. This is also about training you into becoming a skilled, discipline warrior of evil. That means being ready to head out at a moment's notice. You agreed to this, remember?"

I sighed as I did, in fact, remember. After the colossal failure that was the all-out Heylin assault on the Xiaolin temple, Wuya had approached me requesting to reform our rocky partnership. "For old times' sake," as she so charmingly put it.

I knew her well enough at this point to recognize when she was trying to butter me up. She had no real interest in playing mentor with me again. I think she just wanted to get away from…Chase…for a while since he effectively had her on a short leash while they were working together. Maybe a part of me empathized with her on that and that's why I agreed to the request…

"I know but…why did it have to be today though? I had plans this weekend and now I can kiss them goodbye!"

"Evil never rests, Jack. It's a hard pill to swallow but one that we all have to learn to deal with. Now get dressed and meet me at the hover jet in five minutes. We're going to Brazil for the Wu. Don't forget to bring the Monkey Staff."

Wuya swiftly made her way back downstairs, leaving no room for debate. I sighed as I turned off the TV and set my now soggy cereal off to the side. My perfect Saturday was officially ruined. The only way today can be redeemed is if I actually get the Shen Gong Wu before the Xiaolin Losers or win it in a Showdown against them. And since I wasn't feeling particularly confident in the second option given my…recent track record, I'll just have to nab the Wu before they even show up.

Using my wrist communicator, I ordered my best squad of JackBots to ready my hover jet as I rushed back upstairs to change out of my pajamas. I hope I don't mix up my red and brown socks in the rush again…

"So, you mind telling me what the Shen Gong Wu is this time?"

We were already flying high above our destination, Rio de Janeiro, and Wuya had been strangely neglectful of informing me of the new Wu's function. It was bad enough for it to be located in the monks' leader's hometown, but not even knowing what the stupid thing was called was irritating me even more. At least the sights were pretty to look at.

"It's the Mask of Rio," Wuya casually explained while filing her nails in the passenger seat. "It allows the wearer to better blend into their given surroundings. An ideal tool for stealth missions in crowded areas and the like."

…

I slammed on the brakes. The hover jet lived up to its namesake and hovered in place as the JackBots I brought along stopped themselves from flying past it. Wuya was flung out of her seat due to her not wearing the safety belt and crashed into the glove box in front of her. I didn't even care that she looked like she wanted to murder me at that moment, I needed to speak my peace.

"Better blend into your surroundings? You had us come all the way out here, on a Saturday no less, to pick up a discount Shroud of Shadows!? I could break into the monks' Shen Gong Wu vault right now and just steal a better item! Heck, I could even build a stealth field generator myself! Why are we bothering with this one!?"

"INSOLENT BOY! To imply your miserable technology could ever make for a suitable alternative to Shen Gong Wu is blasphemous!" Wuya shouted in righteous fury. "They hold a great power far beyond your feeble comprehension and are more than the sum of their parts! We cannot afford to miss out on even one! Need I remind you that the Monkey Staff is the last remaining Wu in your arsenal?"

Absentmindedly rubbing said staff leaning next to me against the seat, I retorted, "The Monkey Staff's the only Wu I've ever gotten the most mileage out of. I'm pretty much set with it alone. Besides, what's not to understand about a mask that makes you blend in with the crowd? Or a food tray that unleashes ants in your enemy's pants? Or a giant golden baby golem that shoots diapers out of its crotch!?"

Wuya growled before rubbing her temples. "You just had to bring up Ants in the Pants and Sweet Baby Among Us…"

"Face it, Wuya! Some of these Wu are weird at best or redundant at worst! You have to wonder what was going on in Dashi's head when he was cooking up some of these," I said, looking out the glass dome down at Rio and weighing my options. "Anyway, my point still stands. Do we really need the Mask of Rio that badly?"

Not gonna lie, I was feeling pretty proud of myself at this moment. I had surely shut Wuya down with logic and reasoning. There was still a chance to go home early with my bots intact and salvage my precious Saturday!

Well…that idea went out the window when Wuya suddenly grabbed the collar of my coat and brought me up to her snarling face.

"Listen here, spoiled brat! I don't care how trivial this Shen Gong Wu seems to you! You are going to get it for me or suffer the consequences! I have a body now and you know I can make good on that threat! Do I make myself clear?"

I nervously gulped, "Y-Yes ma'am…"

"Good," said the scary witch as she shoved me back in the pilot seat. "Now keep flying this infernal contraption. I sense we are getting closer to the Wu."

I wanted to grumble at her for being pushy but knew better than to further enrage the woman with dark magic at her fingertips. So I held my tongue and resumed the flight over Rio with my robots in tow.

Even so…I don't appreciate her flippant disregard for my machines. They were my babies, an extension of myself, my evil creative outlets! For Wuya (and everybody else for that matter) to be so dismissive of my tech was seriously demoralizing, not to mention genuinely hurtful. I still remember a time when they were all once impressed with my robots and gadgets. But now that they're able to consistently take them out with their overpowered magic, the novelty has worn off. Now they just see me as overcompensating for my lack of powers and combat skills.

Speaking of which…

"When are you going to teach me some fighting moves?"

Either Wuya wasn't expecting that particular line of questioning or she assumed I would've been too timid to say anything else during the ride. Admittedly, I sort of was, but the question just kinda slipped out without me thinking (another thing she always gets on my case about). Regardless, she shook her head and shot me a curious glance.

"What?"

"I asked when are you going to teach me some fighting moves?" I reiterated, seeing just how far I could push my luck by being bold with the witch after her threatening me. "It's obvious you don't think my technological skills are up to snuff, so why not teach me how to fight hand-to-hand or something? I had to take self-defense courses online just to even have a chance at fighting the monks, and since you want to take me under your wing again, why not train me a little?"

Now Wuya looked even more shocked, as though I just grew a second head. Did she really think so little of me that asking her for help was beyond her perception?

"Why do you think I keep harping on you to practice using the Shen Gong Wu you do manage to win?" She countered with a mildly annoyed glare. "Part of your failures are due to you not putting in the effort to improve yourself. If you're not goofing off playing video games or downloading more of that horrid noise you call music, you're hunkered down in your lab wasting time building ineffective robots."

"I am trying to improve myself. I'm improving my craft by upgrading my JackBots to better combat our enemies. There's a reason I only brought one squad of them today," I explained, jabbing a thumb out the window at Attack Squad Sigma keeping up with the hover jet. "I've brought these six in particular with me on almost every hunt. And every time I rebuild them, they know their enemies a little better each time. They're the most experienced JackBots in my army, and I think they'll have a real chance at proving themselves this time. Quality over quantity is the name of the game today."

Wuya blinked, eyed the bots outside, then looked back at me. "You can tell these things apart from the rest?"

"There's a lot you don't know about my boys that I do," I said with an eye roll before staring at her with a serious face. "Look, Wuya, I know it may not look like it sometimes but I am trying here. I thought you'd at least be proud that I'm willing to ask for some additional training from you. So please…give me a chance?"

To really seal the deal, I made sure to put on my best puppy dog eyes with a bonus quivering lip. Truth be told, I'm not actually sure if that had any significant impact on Wuya's decision-making for she turned away to look out of her side of the window. A full minute passed and I was ready to assume she was simply dodging the question by ignoring me. Until she suddenly spoke up.

"Retrieve the Mask of Rio and I'll drill you in on some melee combat."

I shot up a celebratory fist pump up in the air.

"Effective immediately."

I slowly lowered my fist pump. There was always a catch with these things, wasn't there? Well…at least there was always Sunday.

"And we'll have sparring matches every day going forward. It wouldn't be training if it was only a one-time occurrence."

I've made a terrible mistake, haven't I?

Before I could further despair over my impulsive choices, Wuya suddenly sat up straight in her seat, her eyes glowing bright and her hair taking on a life of its own. "The Mask of Rio…it is near. Make a sharp left and descend!"

Nodding, I did as I was instructed and carefully lowered our altitude. Before long, we found ourselves hovering right in front of…

"Christ the Redeemer?" I asked aloud as I stared into the blank eyes of Rio's famous Jesus statue. "Uh, Wuya? As much as I enjoy sightseeing, we're not exactly tourists here."

"If you would pay attention for once, you would've noticed the Wu already," Wuya said with an exasperated sigh before gesturing at Big J. "It's on top of the statue's head."

"…what?"

I released the latches opening up the glass dome and unbuckled my safety belt just so I could get a clearer look. Stepping out of the cockpit and onto the bow of my hover jet, I took a good, long look at old Christ's head.

Sure enough, a distinct mask-shaped Wu was resting on top of it.

I slowly looked back the impatient Heylin witch.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?"

"…this is a joke, right?"

That threw Wuya for a loop. "Excuse me?"

"THIS! This whole setup right here!" I shouted while waving wildly at the not-so-well-hidden magical artifact. "How long has this thing been chilling up here on Jesus's head!? You mean to tell me that in the last fifteen-hundred years, nobody has noticed a random mask sitting on top of a world famous statue? I'm pretty sure this Wu predates the darn thing!"

"Jack, you-!" Wuya started, only to pause as the absurdity of the situation seemed to finally hit her as well. Still, she shook her head and continued. "While you make a disturbingly fair point, let us not look a gift horse in the mouth. Take the Wu while the taking is still good!"

Seems even nagging old witches are right twice a day. Especially so as when I turned around to claim my prize, I overheard her say to herself, "But that's a good question: how did it get up here…?"

I was coming up on the edge of the bow, just a small jump away from Christ's head when…ugh, they had to show up.

"Not so fast, Jack Spicer!"

Omi, Kimiko, Clay, and Raimundo all came in riding on their dragon, Dojo, in the blink of an eye. Dojo flew right in front of me to block my easy path to the Wu as the monks assumed their battle stances.

I noticed their leader, Raimundo, was still breaking in his new flame robes to denote his newly attained position. And as much as it pains me to admit…it looked pretty good on him. Flame prints on black go well with most things I've come to learn. Not that I would ever let him know that of course.

Although I kind of expected the Xiaolin Dragon of Wind to sport a more wind themed outfit. Flames were more Kimiko's element. Literally.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the Xiaolin Losers," I greeted with my arms crossed along with an unimpressed stare. Truthfully, I was freaking out a little on the inside, but better to let them think they don't intimidate me.

"You got a lotta nerve showing your face in my turf, Jack," Raimundo said with a sneer. "Why don't you take your little toys and hit the road? Spare yourself the butt-kicking that way."

Buddy, I've been wanting to do that since the moment Wuya forced me out of the house. But I've already come this far, so…

"Not a chance. That Shen Gong Wu has my name on it and I'm not leaving till I collect it!"

Omi sported a confused look as he glanced at the Mask of Rio behind him. "It really has 'Jack Spicer' written on it? But I do not see it..."

Everyone groaned as Kimiko put a hand to the cheeseball's shoulder. "No, Omi, it's another figure of speech. He's claiming it's his when we all know it's really not."

His eyes widened in awe. "Ooohhh! I see now. Most enlightening! Thank you for the clarification, my friend!"

"No problem! Keep taking notes and we'll have you understanding slang in no time!" Kimiko said with a bright smile. Man, she's so cute~

"Uh, hello? Is this really the time for an English class!?" Raimundo asked in a frustrated tone. "We got a bad guy in front of us trying to take the Shen Gong Wu!"

"Not to bring this shindig down, pardner, but is it really that serious?" Clay asked his leader while adjusting his cowboy hat. "I mean, it's just Jack after all."

"Hey! I'm standing right here!"

"I'm with Clay on this one, Rai," Kimiko agreed, completely ignoring me despite me literally just announcing my presence. "Jack's hardly been a threat even on his best days. He's persistent, sure, but not much else beyond that. We've come a long way since our first Xiaolin Showdown against him."

"Indeed. Spicer is nowhere near as ruthless as Chase Young or Hannibal Bean. Heck, even Wuya at her current power level is more dangerous than him!" Omi proudly declared, before noticing the fuming witch in question and giving an awkward laugh. "N-No offense of course! You are still very much in a league of your own!"

"How flattering…" She growled, very clearly still taking offense at being compared to the likes of me…oh great, now they got me doing it!

Ironically, it was their own leader coming to my defense. "Guys, look, I get you're coming from, believe me. But Master Fung taught us to never underestimate our adversaries. Even when they lose more often than they succeed."

A backhanded defense is still a defense. I'll take what I can get.

"On that note, how about we save the usual gloating until after we kick his butt, huh?" Raimundo stated confidently while punching a fist into his hand.

"I can get behind that," Kimiko agreed while lighting her fists on fire with her elemental powers. I gulped a little at that.

"This is gonna be more fun than a fat pig at a pie-eating contest," Clay declared while cracking his knuckles, causing me to gulp even harder. Really hope they didn't notice that along with the first.

"Prepare for a most humiliating defeat, agent of evil," Omi announced with his usual motto. Although that agent of evil bit was new. Nice to get a little recognition from the squirt at least.

"Yeah, well, this time will be different! I've brought my most battle-hardened JackBots with me today: Attack Squad Sigma! They've been present in nearly every battle against you four. They know your every move…"

Man, do I sound wicked cool or what? Being a supervillain sure does have its perks!

"Wait…these ones are distinct from the rest?"

Way to go, Cue Ball. You ruined the moment again.

"Yeah, they just look like any other JackBot you deploy," Kimiko unnecessarily added.

"Probably about as strong too, I reckon," Clay grunted.

Alright, dissing me was one thing, but no one disses the boys on my watch! Time to unleash my own element: the element of surprise!

With the press of a button on my wrist communicator, I signaled the hover jet's laser turrets to activate. Once they popped out of their hatches, they immediately opened fire on the biggest target: Dojo. The monks' super-sized dragon ride yelped in pain as he made erratic, evasive maneuvers. Which in turn threw his passengers off balance and accidentally made them fall off of him.

"JackBots: ATTACK!" I ordered while running back into the cockpit. But as soon as I plopped down into the pilot's seat, I was suddenly smacked in the back of the head.

"OW! Wuya, what-!?"

"Why didn't you make a break for the Shen Gong Wu!? You had the perfect chance to seize it!"

…crap, I did, didn't I? Between the fear of getting beaten up and the anger of having my robots insulted, I must've panicked and retreated back to the ship out of habit. Better come up with a reasonable excuse.

"That's what you think, but I'm actually being tactical here! I can more precisely fire at Dojo in the cockpit till he shrinks back down to puny size. Then I'll use the Monkey Staff for extra agility to snag the Wu while my JackBots keep them busy!"

Wuya very briefly scrutinized me with her eyes before shaking her head and growling. "Fine! Just less talking and more firing!"

"Copy that!"

With hands on the controls, I circled the big dragon around Christ the Redeemer as I took potshots at him, even getting a few lucky hits along the way. As predicted, Dojo had enough of target practice and reverted back to his regular size, hiding underneath one of the statue's thumbs for added security.

"Excellent shooting, Jack! Now get the Wu!"

With rare praise from Wuya motivating me, I opened up the cockpit's dome and grabbed my own Wu. "Monkey Staff!"

Feeling a familiar tail pop out of my tail bone and more body hair than usual, I pounded my chest and let out a ferocious monkey battle cry! One mighty leap was all it took to latch onto Jesus's outstretched hands with my new prehensile appendage.

Hanging from the statue's arm like Spider-Man (and feeling ashamed of myself for the superhero comparison), I momentarily observed Attack Squad Sigma battling the Xiaolin Losers from down below. They were actually holding their own! This must be what a proud father must feel like watching his sons giving it their all.

Suddenly, I picked up on the sounds of teeth chattering. I very quickly discovered the source as I saw it was coming from Dojo, still hiding under the thumb of the hand I was hanging on. He stopped chattering his teeth as we both stared at each other in silence. Until I decided to mess with him and grinned like a maniacal monkey man.

"Boo."

Dojo gave a rather girly shriek as he accidentally let go of the thumb he was clinging onto and fell all the way down. Coward.

Now that I had my evil fill of fun, I flipped upright onto the statue's arm and dashed for the head. The Mask of Rio was just one more easy leap away and –

"Fancy meeting you here."

Crud! The second I landed on top of the head and reached out for the Wu, Raimundo dived in out of nowhere and touched it at the same time I did. Now it was doing that glowing thing Shen Gong Wu does whenever there's a stalemate.

"Jack, in the name of Rio de Janeiro, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown!"

"Hey, time out for a sec! What about the JackBots? I thought they were keeping you busy!"

"Oh, they were…for about a solid minute. See for yourself."

Looking down to where Raimundo was gesturing, I could see the other three monks cheekily waving at me by the statue's pedestal…while standing next to a smoldering pile of scrap metal. At least they lasted longer than most JackBots…?

"Should've stuck to your usual 'quantity over quality' strategy. Might've earned you a few extra seconds."

I growled, "Just name the challenge already..."

Raimundo cupped his chin to think for a moment before snapping his fingers. "Giant ping pong match. Cristo Redentor holds the net. First to score three points wins. My Sword of the Storm against your Monkey Staff."

"Ping pong?" I scoffed. "You just sealed your own fate, bud. I happen to be a whiz at ping pong!"

"Since when?" Wuya rudely butted in, leaning over the controls of the hover jet to fly it upwards and call my bluff. Who's side are you on again, witch?

"Since…just now!" I declared in a sweat before going back to glaring at the monk leader. "So you better watch yourself, buster! Jack Spicer plays to win!"

Raimundo merely smirked at my failed attempt to intimidate him. "Good. So do I…"

On that note, we both shouted at the same time: "LET'S GO! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN!"

The next part was always trippy.

Despite the random flashes assaulting my (and presumably everyone else's) vision, I could still catch glimpses of reality itself bending to the will of the Shen Gong Wu. The cityscape the statue was overlooking grew to exaggerated proportions as did the mountain range behind it. The ground below us faded into a void of some kind as a fog quickly overtook it. The statue itself suddenly had a giant green ping pong table phasing through the middle of its torso. Its hands were now holding up the posts for the net which was raised above its head. All the while, Raimundo's team found themselves standing on a floating platform to spectate, with Wuya simply remaining in the hover jet.

With Raimundo and I on opposite sides of the net, oversized ping pong paddles materialized in our hands. Thankfully, their weight had been magically reduced to allow us to actually make use of them for the Showdown. A scoreboard had also appeared off to the side in order to keep track of me whopping my opponent's butt. Speaking of which~

"GONG YI TANPAI!"

Since Raimundo called the challenge, he got to serve first. With an impressive strike, he bounced the giant ping pong ball over the net as it bounced into my court.

Alright, Jack, you got this. It's just like basketball…except with paddles…and you don't actually want the ball to touch the net…on second thought, it's nothing like basketball, it's more like tennis if anything. Whatever – just don't lose!

With enhanced dexterity provided by the Monkey Staff held in my tail, I was able to swat the ball back to Raimundo with relative ease. Unfortunately, with his Xiaolin training, that meant he was also able to swat the ball back without breaking a sweat himself. It soon became apparent that this was going to be a stalemate if one of us didn't do something unique.

So, when in doubt…cheat!

The next time I swatted the ball away, I discreetly used my communicator to tap into the hover jet's laser turret system. With a carefully aimed shot, I used one of the turrets to blast at the spot closest to Raimundo, causing him to jump away in surprise and completely miss the ball. Score One for Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!

"Cheating again, Jack Spicer!? Most shameful!" I heard Omi crow over by the spectating area. "What would your mother think?"

"That she raised a perfect little devil~!" I mocked with a big old cheesy grin, just to really grind Omi's gears.

"Y'know, he's got a point, dude. It's really sad that you have to cheat just to get an edge," Raimundo chimed in on the other side of the court. "That's basically an admission of defeat right there, like you know your own skills aren't cutting it."

Leave it to the most smug member of the Dragon Quartet to know how to easily get under my skin!

"Oh yeah!? Well I call it working smarter, not harder! Take THIS!"

Not questioning how the ball appeared over on my side, I swatted it with all of my monkey strength, making it bounce up higher than usual. Thankfully, it just barely made it over the net to keep the game going. Raimundo adjusted his position to get a good angle to hit it back.

I could've used the turrets to my advantage again, but Raimundo's words kept echoing in my head. It only made me angrier with each swing. I wanted to prove him wrong so bad, grind his smug face into the dirt, really make him eat those words.

So, in honor of the Sith from Star Wars, I used that anger to fuel my aggressive playstyle. It appeared to be working too (much to my own surprise) as Raimundo was noticeably having a harder time keeping up with the ball each time I swatted it back at him. Eventually, he slipped up as I got another point. One more win like that and I'm home free!

"WOO…! Yeah, baby…! Whose skills…aren't cutting it now…HUH!?" I cheered in between pants. Who knew tapping into the dark side of the Force took a lot out of you? I could sure go for a refreshing banana right about now…

"I gotta admit, Jack. That was an impressive play. Nice job," Raimundo weirdly complimented, leaving me to wonder what his game was. It was hard to gauge his expression when most of his face was hidden in that ninja suit he and the other monks magically don during Showdowns. And I already wasn't the best at reading social cues that didn't come from robots (I knew them better than I knew my own kind).

However, what he said next filled me with a sense of impending dread. "It's too bad you already threw the match though…"

What was he talking about? It's not like I was taking a dive. I don't like how weirdly cryptic he's being all of a sudden!

With seemingly renewed vigor, Raimundo hit the ball back at me, which I just barely had time to hit back. As we went back to exchanging hits, it soon dawned on me what he was alluding to when he claimed I threw the match:

I had already exhausted most of my energy.

My movements were becoming more sluggish despite the Monkey Staff's influence. It got more and more difficult keeping up with the ball, taxing me of what little energy I had left. As such, it wasn't long before Raimundo swatted the ball a little too far away for me to reach, and I ended up sliding on the court as it bounced out of bounds.

The monks proceeded to cheer for their leader as Wuya sat up from her seat to…encourage me?

"C'mon, you lazy sad sack! You just need one more point to win! Don't choke up now!"

Growling to myself, I got back up as Raimundo had another ping pong ball at his side. I took a quick deep breath before he swatted it over to me. I tried to reserve as much of my fleeting energy as I could, but the game required me to really push myself to my limits. It simply wasn't an option to slow down or even take a moment to breath properly. Every move counted.

Which is why I inevitably slipped up again when I swatted the ball directly into Jesus's net. Another score for Raimundo. It was anybody's game now.

"Way to go, Rai!"

"That's showin' him!"

"You are, as they say, self-combusting!"

"It's 'on fire,' Omi."

"That would have been my second guess!"

"YOU HAD BETTER WIN THIS LAST ROUND OR SO HELP ME, JACK!"

Oh, how I feel so loved…

But no, seriously, this was bad (and not the good kind of bad that's desirable for us villains). I was severely out of shape and only one point away from either success or failure. Everything was riding on this final round. One of us was going home without any Wu to their name.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Raimundo was able to sense my anxiety as he said, "Y'know dude, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to call it quits early. I think we both know how this ends."

Still panting like a dog instead of a half monkey man, I raised my wrist communicator to blatantly show how little I cared about cheating again. "Yeah…with you crying home to your mama!"

Activating the laser turrets on the hover jet, they fired away at the leader of the Xiaolin Warriors. With a series of flips, Raimundo dodged the onslaught of lasers, leaving me with both enough time to catch my breath as well as a giant ping pong ball with his name on it.

With an evil grin, I served the ball as far away from the distracted monk as possible, to really cement my impending victory. But, of course, things were never truly easy for me. Once Raimundo caught wind (don't say it) of the situation, he used his elemental powers over the wind to propel him past the lasers and right to the ball to hit it back at me. Thankfully, I was at least prepared for this outcome and was ready to hit it back when…

"Sword of the Storm! Wind!"

Crap, that's right! He still had a Shen Gong Wu up his sleeve! And he was only now using it!

Just as I hit the ball back, a strong gust of wind from the magic sword threatened to knock me over. While my monkey feet were strong enough to hold me in place, the same could not be said for my monkey paws. The wind combined with the sweat that had been accumulating during the match made me lose my grip on the paddle, causing it to fly away backwards.

"NO!"

I made a mad dash for the paddle, but the wind had already blown it off of the table. All I could do was stick my hand out feebly over the edge as it fell into the abyss, never to be seen again.

And to add insult to injury? Raimundo went for the overkill.

"Sword of the Storm! SHOKU ASTRO WIND!"

Combining his new powers from ranking up with an already potent Wu that complimented his element, Raimundo jumped high into the air and unleashed a small HURRICANE to give his next swing an unnecessary boost in power.

With a giant ping pong ball coming at me at what had to be no less than Mach 5 speed, I had no time to scream as it collided with my chest.

Amazingly, I wasn't instantly pulverized into a red paste upon contact. Although, a small part of me kind of wishes I was as I met the same fate as my paddle.

I never got to see what was down in the void as reality shifted back to its original state now that the Showdown was over. Instead, I found myself kneeling before Christ the Redeemer with the remains of my JackBots next to me. Also, I was fully human again, meaning the Monkey Staff was no longer on my person as Raimundo was being congratulated by his team with three Shen Gong Wu in his hands.

They were saying…something, probably gloating like they agreed to do after they won. But I didn't catch any of it as I was too busy puking Lucky Charms.

"Ah – GROSS, man!" Raimundo shouted in disgust. "You better not get any of that on his pedestal! We don't take kindly to tourists dirtying up our statue."

I said nothing as I stared at the rainbow-y vomit on the ground. The monks said something else for a little bit before the sounds of Dojo changing size was heard, indicating that they were getting ready to leave. The whoosh that quickly followed confirmed their departure, leaving me to my failures once again. Until the honk of my hover jet made me look up at a very angry Wuya at the controls.

"Get in. Now."

I looked to her as I was no doubt in for a verbal lashing. Then I looked to the remains of my robots as I had a long evening of repairs ahead of me.

This was so not how I wanted to spend my Saturday…

Hi, Swood Guy from the future here. For old readers who may be a little confused, this is...not exactly a rewrite of the first chapter per say, but an expansion of it. As of now, the old Chapter 1, "A Step in the Wrong Direction", will be Chapter 2 and so on and so forth. Basically, I've added a new Chapter 1 and rearranged all subsequent chapters as a result. Sorry this messes with the order of all the pre-existing comments, nothing I can really do about that sadly (AO3 wins on that front). I've just grown unsatisfied with the original Chapter 1 for how exposition heavy it was as it was obvious I just wanted to get to the crossover element as soon as possible. This look into Jack's daily life prior to reincarnation should rectify that, and "A Step in the Wrong Direction" has been updated to take into account the added context. Thank you for your understanding, and I hope you have a pleasant day : )

Fun Fact: the Mask of Rio is technically a real Shen Gong Wu according to the Xiaolin Wiki. It was only featured in the trading card game (which was also a thing apparently).