SAD FACT
by: sasuke's not meant to be wife
A comedy for all of you that need some laugh and are SasuNaru/NaruSasu fans.
Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine. The ugly truth isn't mine either, it just gave me an idea for the story. And no, I didn't marry Sasuke, sad, I know.
Warnings: male x male relationship, don't like it - don't read it, simple as that; story is from Sasuke's POV; little bit of Sakura bashing; A LOT of cursing and lemons later
Enjoy!
Chapter 1 - This is ridiculous!
"Sasuke!"
I mentally cringed when my coworker Sakura entered my office. She was way too cheerful in the morning.
Clutching the hot cup of god's liquid in my hand I didn't bother sparing her another glance, I heard her, alright...
Sakura was not quite the person I enjoyed working with, because she was so noisy, full of gossips and she liked putting her nose where it didn't belong.
For instance, my privacy.
"Won't you even say good morning to me?" She then stood right in front of my desk making me look up, and that occurred just because she snatched the planner I was filling in. I mean, what would you expect me to do on Monday morning in my office?
Planning my week, obviously. But there she goes interrupting me.
I mustered all my willpower not to give her a death glare, but I glared nonetheless, I just didn't want to freak her out. The last thing I needed was her annoying screaming at seven in the morning.
"Morning." There, I said it. Now you have to move and leave me the fuck alone.
She was such an airhead... You know that type of women who liked to stick to you like glue, had big tits but no brain? Yes, meet Sakura, just that kind of girl.
"You need to get laid. For real Sasuke... How long has it been? You never spoke about you sex life after that party six months ago when you got wasted. And even at that time, you said it had been at least half a year since you did it." She pouted. Like that's ever gonna work on me.
I mentally cringed and my glare turned deathly.
That's what I meant when I said she liked to put her nose in my privacy. I was absolutely not going to admit to her that I didn't have sex for over a year. None of her fucking business. I cursed myself ten thousand times after that night I had one too many drinks.
Drinks and Sasuke did not mix well together. Simply because I was holding back way too much when I'm sober. Once I had a taste of alcohol, well... The inner Sasuke was out of the closet. And inner Sasuke liked slipping up on things I didn't want to talk about.
For instance, my sex life. Or lack of it, whatever.
"Hn."
"Soooo... You got someone? I mean, you know I'd be more than willing to do it with you..." She winked at me and I vomited a bit in my mouth. Didn't she take the cue after being told 'no' over fifty times?
It wasn't even funny anymore. There's nothing I haven't tried to demonstrate my 'no'.
I ignored her, I glared, I pretended I was busy so I could dodge her, I purposely declined her phone calls just as I declined gifts she oh so generously wanted to give me.
"No." Well, here we go again. I guess it had to be said one more damn time.
"Oh you don't have anyone? Then, you and me could...?" She leaned over the desk, making her boobs appear right in front of my nose.
Was she stupid? Or did she pretend to be dense? Or maybe she was deaf?
Okay, that's it.
"Sakura. Even if you were the last and only person in the world, it will still be a NO. Can you stop insinuating it already?" My voice was icy, and combined with my death glare, no wonder she was about to start crying.
Why did god hate me so much on Monday?
Like I didn't have enough shit to deal with at work, he throws a bunch of idiots I have to put up with on daily basis and then among all of them he picks the most annoying one to try to get into my pants.
Hn.
"You're so edgy because you lack sex. But ok, I won't offer myself anymore, although it's your loss." As if! But she just had to continue when I thought I heard the end of it. "But, I'll help you find someone!"
God, please, no. Please, fucking please, just no! Couldn't she leave already?
"I have work to do, give me back my planner and get out. Tell Karin on your way out to make me another coffee." Yeah, well, if she wasn't going to leave, I'll kick her out. I don't give a fuck.
"Alright..." Dejectedly, she turned around and went for the door as my eyes followed her. Before she left, however, she gave me a weird look followed by even weirder question, "Are you sure you're not gay?"
I wanted to throw a pen straight into her eye. Jail was Heaven compared to this office with people like her around.
Don't get me wrong, I liked my job. I was an editor for one of the largest broadcasting agencies in Konoha. Our shows were quite alright, if you ask me, but we were losing viewers. I really did my best to improve it, but these days nobody watches TV anymore. And no, it wasn't because I was forcing educational programs and talks or because I cared about global warming. People needed to be informed about it, gimme a break already.
I didn't loath coming to the office that much until they hired two women that made me wanna punch myself each second I had to spend in their company. The red haired bitch and pink haired bimbo.
Sakura was my assistant, pink hair, aggressive and annoying as fuck. Karin was my secretary. The red haired woman had more brain cells than Sakura, I'll give her that. But having more brain than Sakura wasn't exactly a compliment. She still tried to get into my pants.
I hated them both and I would rather eat my own shit than fuck any of those two. Simple as that. Karin was, simply put, more reasonable than Sakura. She understood it the first time I said no and stopped suggesting the idea of the two of us.
Sakura, on the other hand, was not so clever, as you could notice.
I looked at the planner and started making notes for appointments. This was going to be a long week. Little did I know at the time how long it actually was going to be.
The ride back home was short. I was tired and the day was completely disgusting.
Kakashi, the director of the company, started pestering me about viewers and how we need to have modern stuff so that people could watch us. Kakashi and I met through my family, that was another annoying thing about our companionship. He was a pervert and if I hadn't been the editor of the shows we broadcasted, each of them would probably include porn or nudes.
What modern stuff?
Everything modern was either illegal or inappropriate for show that starts at five in the afternoon. I scowled at the thought of Kakashi liking that.
What was the next thing that ruined my day?
Oh, right... To make matters worse, I had to drink cold coffee because Karin went home early and the delivery guy had more important things to do with Sakura at service desk than bring me my damn coffee.
I watched them through the glass door of my office. I wish I could just go blind and gauge my own eyeballs at the sight. The pinkette giggled cutely at the delivery boy and presented her oversized cleavage to him like an offer. It probably was, but I had no intention of finding out what she planned to do after work. I just wanted my coffee, damn it!
Just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse than that, I got a phone call from my brother. My dearest brother informed me he'll be spending Christmas holidays at my place with his husband and Deidara's sister. Deidara and Itachi were together for ages... There's been whole drama about those two in the Uchiha family. Sadly, it involved me as well, which is I refused to stay and take over the place of CEO in my father's company and decided to build my carrier the way I wanted to.
I should've ended it all there. It would hurt less jumping from the roof of my office building and dying on spot than having to spend holidiays with Itachi, Dei and Ino.
But I wasn't a weakling, so jumping into my own death was not an option.
I swear though, if he even tries to fill my fridge with some unhealthy shit, I'm kicking them all out.
When I finally wrapped up the work day and went to the garage, ready to go home and play some music program on TV while I'm curled into my king size bed with my warm blankets, I noticed that someone scratched my Audi.
After several minutes of glaring at the scratch, I promised painful death to whoever did it. I was going to figure the culprit out by bribing the security to show me the video footage, of course.
Hey, I knew how to use my charms.
And so, here I was, thinking about how my life is shit while I'm walking into my house.
Everything bad that could happen, actually happened. There was a reason I hated Mondays! Without any strength left in me I figured I'll shower in the morning. As I entered my bedroom, I hit the bed and switched the TV on.
Just as the sleep was starting to consume me I heard loud laughter coming from TV.
I glared at the wall silently wishing to kill the person whose laugh was as annoying as the rooster in the morning.
I should've just switched the damn thing off. I swear, it would've been less trouble if I just did that and pretended this day was over.
But no...
You know that saying "Curiosity killed the cat"? Well, curiosity did kill me. Mentally, at least.
There, on screen, was a blond guy. He was loud, obnoxious and too damn gorgeous to be leading a show, if you ask me. He looked more like an actor than a TV show host.
But let's stop focusing on my totally random thoughts about how hot he looked, I so did not gawk at him, and get to the point. The guy was talking about relationships. I would usually switch the channel when I wasn't interested in something, like now, but something caught my attention.
"He said no? Well who the fuck said that no means no?! Come on ladies, you get what I'm saying here?" The audience laughed and he continued, "If the guy says 'yes', that means definitely yes! If he says 'maybe', that's a yes too, just for the record. But if he tells you 'no', my dears... He means YES, but you'll have to get him drunk first. Men are not capable of saying no to a gorgeous woman! So if he thinks you're not gorgeous enough, pour him another round! And that's a damn sad fact!"
The crowd exploded in laughter and applause.
I wanted to throw my remote into the stupid TV to make him shut up. Was this the guy who gave Sakura her braindead idea to keep trying to hook up with me? I felt the need to kill him, break my TV, scream... But I couldn't find the strength and willpower. So, I just kept staring at the guy.
"Now, ladies... It won't be a fair game if we don't give a little attention to the guys too. Tell me, gentlemen, when was the last time you had sex? No strings, no 'I'll call you tomorrow', just raw, pleasurable and erotic fucking?"
My eyebrow rose involuntarily... Was this guy thinking he's amusing or something? As if people will go around fucking everything on two legs just for pleasure...
"You didn't do it any time soon? Well that's because you didn't ask! Remember, confidence is the key! Just go to a bar and pick up some chick and ask her to accompany you home! You'll both feel good in the morning, BELIEVE IT! Chicks like one night stands even more than guys do! And that's A DAMN SAD FACT!" Another round of applause and cheering was piercing my ears. But, that didn't stop him from continuing. "And now, it's time for your questions! Coming back right after the commercials! Stay tuned to SAD FACT!"
Oh that sexist pig! What the hell? Why is he speaking about men as if we're thinking about sex only. Not to mention the disrespect in 'no is a yes' thing. He should be put down, in some hole he can't crawl from, just where he belongs.
Taking my phone I forgot any and all sense of reason and dialed the number I saw on screen. Just then, the stupid blond was back on TV and my phone call was transferred to go live.
"Hello dear viewer! I hope you're enjoying tonight's show. My name is Naruto Uzumaki and this is SAD FACT! Who's on the line?"
"Hn." That moron should calm his tits.
"Excuse me? Did you say something?" He pretended not to hear me. Is he trying to mock my grunting response to his stupidity?
"Sasuke."
"Well, Sasuke, do you have a question?!"
His blue eyes sparkled in such an irritating way and that shit eating grin was making me clench my teeth when I started speaking, "Stop disrespecting men. Not all of us think of fucking some random chick first chance we have."
The blond got confused for just a second, but he covered his uneasiness with that Cheshire grin, again.
"Sasuke are you single?" What the fuck was he asking?
"Hn." None of your business.
"If you're single, it would explain why there's so much toxicity behind your words. Lack of sex does that to a man. AND THAT, MY FRUEND, IS A SAD FACT!"
More applause. Great...
I was going mad. Why did I even call this stupid show? He was mocking me. The audacity!
"It doesn't matter if I'm single or not, you're a pig." I knew I was starting a childish banter, which I wouldn't have done if I had one functioning brain cell left in my brain.
The host caught his chin in a thinking manner before snapping his fingers towards the camera, "Sasuke are you fat and ugly?" There's that shit eating grin again.
"NO! I am not fat and I sure as hell am not ugly. I wouldn't have to call if your stupid sad facts weren't bullshit. What girl or guy in their right mind would have sex with someone just because they asked? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." And I knew that from my own personal experience, obviously.
Naruto Uzumaki hasn't stopped smiling for a second.
"You know, I imagine you as a really hot guy, stressed over work and I completely understand why you're so against the idea of hooking up for one night..."
"It's because it's pointless, there should be something more than just -" he didn't let me finish my sentence. He continued as if I wasn't talking at all.
"I mean I would have the same problem if my dick was small. So how long is it? 13 cm? It's the only reason you won't do it! Sorry Sasuke, but the sad fact is that you're small and ashamed of that!"
The anger I felt at the moment was something I didn't feel since my father got a heart attack when Itachi told the family he was gay. The whole thing happened over family dinner, with bunch of Uchiha people around... You can understand why I was angry, it wasn't because of an old man, but because ever since that unfortunate event occurred, my family won't stop crying to me to grant them grandkids.
And that was a no.
"Twenty, asshole." I couldn't believe I responded to that. My pride got in the way in the worst possible moment.
Fuming, I cut the line cursing the piece of shit host and myself for doing what I did. I watched his eyes widen in unnoticeable shock before his face returned to sparkling grin and the audience started whistling.
Screw it, not like anyone is watching this trash show.
I slipped into my bed switching the TV to some music channel. The last thought plaguing my brain was a pair of ocean-blue eyes.
I should've known this was how it goes. If I thought Monday was the worst day of my life, this Tuesday was looking promising to beat that.
The moment I stepped foot inside, which was 9 AM because that's when my work starts, and stop looking at me like that, I had to come to work earlier on Monday to mentally prepare for the week, I noticed people staring at me. Some of them were trying not to be so obvious, while others shamelessly gaped at me.
Why, you ask?
I had no clue. Apparently, the reason was obvious to everyone else but me, so I called Sakura in my office because if anyone knew what was going on, it had to be her. Snoopy bitch.
"Oh my god, Sasuke!" She rushed into my office excitedly, a long smile stretched on her face. By the look on her face I knew it wasn't a mistake to think she was going to be informative.
"Hn." I kept my cool, as always. It wasn't a hard task, unless I was extremely triggered, like last night. But that was not something I ever wanted to think about.
"It was you, on that show!" If I didn't have an image to maintain at work, I would've started crying. And mentally, I did cry. Inner Sasuke was not good at hiding his emotions. But outside my eyebrow rose curiously, waiting for the bimbo pinkette to continue. "It was soooo good! Everyone loved it! People from the building watched that show! And those that didn't watch it live, were informed of your involvement, so they searched it on the Internet! You are a star of Konoha News, Sasuke Uchiha!"
She was breathless from all the screaming slash screeching she did just now. My head was starting to hurt. I understood why all the stares. But why did that matter anyway? Before I had a chance to consider butting into her speech, she caught her breath and continued.
"Kakashi called that guy, just this morning! He wants him in our show! I'm so excited! He's so cute and funny! Oh this is going to be such a blast! He's coming here today to sign the contract!"
Ok, I couldn't hold it anymore. Enough was enough. My eyes went wide at the information provided to me and I blankly looked at Sakura, considering the idea of disappearing.
"When?" I needed to know when I should leave, of course. Because the last thing I wanted and needed was for him to actually meet me. Or for me to meet him, didn't matter at this point. I loathed the idea no matter how you looked at it.
"In an hour. And before you even think of ditching us, Kakashi promised him to meet you! Basically, you're the reason he agreed to come work for us, so you can't leave!"
The fuck I cared about his reasons. I didn't want him here anyway and Kakashi can suck my dick instead of making promises like that.
Fuuuuuck.
"She's right, you are not allowed to leave, Uchiha." Well, speaking of the devil.
"Have you lost your mind Kakashi?!" I asked completely calm. I was absolutely not going to let my inner pissed off, crying Sasuke get on surface.
"No. We need viewers. People like him. He will work for us. Simple as that." Well when he puts it like that, I couldn't really say it didn't make sense. I didn't like the idea, that was for sure, but it was going to get us more viewers.
Swallowing my pride, I glared at Kakashi.
"Do I have to pretend I like him?" I asked casually, picking up the cup of coffee that waited on my desk, it was cold. Yes, this day was worse than yesterday, confirmed.
"No. But you will work with him. You are our editor, after all." Kakashi's pervy smirk made his way out and I sighed embracing the terrible fate ahead of me.
"Fine, but this is my show and it will go by my rules. Hn."
I didn't receive a response. Instead, they both smiled at me and left my office.
I watched them leave and turned to the side, looking at the reflection of myself in the mirror that occupied the wall next to my desk.
Pathetic.
That was the only thing going through my mind. I looked pathetic.
And that was not sitting well with me.
Uchiha Sasuke was not a pathetic man and one Uzumaki Naruto was no match for me.
"Sad fact, dobe." I muttered to myself smirking at the mirror.
I wasn't a pussy. Naruto Uzumaki might be a challenge, but Sasuke Uchiha ate challenges for breakfast.
Bring it on, idiot.
Let me know what you think :)