1 May 1638

Today I saw another blossom of primrose, and I can feel the spring in the air. The air tastes different with different seasons. Sometimes I get headaches when the weather changes too fast but when it changes slowly it's just the nice new smell. I like the change in smell because a different air means a different circle. Small circles within bigger circles within even bigger circles, and some huge circles that no one goes all the way around. My mama left her cruel mother and then saved Linny and me from our cruel mother, and I'm going to be a good mother. It's a circle.

I like circles. They're my favorite kind of day.

2 May 1638

Kurloz might bother me sometimes, but today he brought over flowers for my sister and now the whole house smells like them. It's a lovely smell. He brings over fancy flowers of the sort I could never grow in my garden, red roses and such, and they smell wonderful.

I suppose he could be alright.

4 May 1638

One of my favorite parts of the day is when I can bring Equius over for lunch. We sit together and eat and we don't have to be like what other people want us to be. Neither of us are. I don't like when people shout and apparently I talk funny and I don't like to be touched, and he's like that too. We can sit together and be quiet. I taught him to knit so sometimes we knit together. I'm working on a nice new jumper now. My old one's all torn up.

Meulin would tell me to not garden when it's cold and rainy, but if I did that my flowers wouldn't be taken care of properly.

5 May 1638

Aradia and Sollux are so cute together! I hope they get married when we're older. I know that it's a while away-we're only fourteen!-but it would be so cute. My mama was close with her love for four years before they married. And it's fun to tease them about it. They're just adorable.

6 May 1638

Equius and I had lunch again today. It was quite nice to sit together in the library and knit and rest. He's a good friend. He can be awfully silly about how he's upper class and I'm not and how he has to be all proper and tell me what to do, but he can't make me do anything and he knows it. He can try all he likes but he knows he can't. I just stick out my tongue at him and don't do it.

Sometimes I don't do things because he doesn't want me to, to make him feel better mostly, but also because I know if I got hurt Linny would be furious. She'd fix me up, and then kill me.

I'll stay safe. Everyone seems to want me to.

8 May 1638

Equius and I had lunch again today at my home. In the afternoon we walked around the woods and went to the clearing by the creek. I love the creek. It's good to be outside in the sun, splashing around in the creek. Even if Equius acts like he's too dignified for it, he isn't really.

9 May 1638

How could Meulin do this? She thinks she's so much better than me! She told me I can't have Equius over for lunch anymore because we can't afford it, and when I reminded her that we hunt she acted like I don't do anything! She acts like she does all the work in the house and I'm just here taking up food and water and her time.

I don't think she even likes me. She just takes care of me because she has to. I'm pretty sure she doesn't love me. I'm not good at being mad and in the end it just hurts a lot.

I'm not talking to her now. How could I? She's my sister and she doesn't even love me.

10 May 1638

I'm still not talking to her. I won't. Not if she doesn't love me. I think Equius knows that I'm upset but he doesn't know why. He couldn't understand, anyways, because he has parents. He and his brother can fight all they want but it's not going to matter because their parents will still be there.

11 May 1638

I'm still not talking to her. Aradia asked me what was wrong and I told her I'm not talking to Meulin and she asked me why.

"Because she doesn't like me. And she thinks I don't do anything."

She frowned and said, "I don't think she meant that."

"What do you mean?"

"Meulin loves you. I know it. Maybe she's just tired out."

I shrugged. "I suppose."

Maybe she is tired. Still, it wasn't fair of her to get so angry at me like that. I just want to spend time with my friends. Why is that so much to ask?

13 May 1638

It's really hard not talking to Meulin. Besides that she's my sister and I see her every day, she's nice to talk to. It's good having someone else who knows how much it hurts with Mama gone. And she remembers how it was at home, with our old parents. And I love her. She's my sister.

14 May 1638

Our mama died a year ago today.

15 May 1638

One of these days Vriska will do something mad and die. She is going to jump off a roof or dive into the river and she's going to die. She and Terezi like to play bandits, and Aradia and Tavros play guards, and today Vriska brought her father's knives. Equius doesn't let me play with them when they get dangerous like that. I don't mind listening to him then, because I think he's probably right. I prefer playing with Aradia and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska when they're just having fun and not being dangerous.

Anyways, Meulin would kill me if I got hurt playing in the woods. She knows I'm smarter than that.

16 May 1638

Meulin apologized to me today. I'm so glad. I hate not talking to her and I never know what to say, and it's nice that she said sorry. Maybe it wasn't fair of me, either. I wish I knew how to hunt, but I don't, and so I can't.

So I told her I wouldn't bring Equius around for lunch as often. She is pretty busy most of the time, and his family has more money that Linny and I do. It wouldn't be so much of a problem if she'd just teach me to hunt, but she says she won't until I'm old enough. She says I need to be able to shoot with the big bow first. I know she's right-the big bow is more powerful and, when you're good at it, more accurate. I'm just not too good at it yet.

17 May 1638

It's really good to be talking with Linny again. It's just nice to be able to sit and…talk, I suppose. Our mama loved us and she died a year ago and it's good to be able to talk about that with someone again. I know I could talk about it with Equius, but he wouldn't understand really because his parents are alive, and as near as I can tell neither of them is bad.

And none of my friends understand how it was before then, either. I love my mama and I know she loved me, and her and Meulin too. But I know our mama was sad deep down and I know it was hard for her. She loved us-she did. But all the love in the world couldn't fix how sad she was and the darkness in her couldn't go away no matter how much we all wanted it to. Meulin knows it, and I know it, and I know our mama knew it. It was like hole in her heart, and it used to be small but it drained to nowhere and no matter how much light she could pour in, the hole would let it all back out again. And when it got bigger it took even more light and the hole let it out faster and faster.

She worried about us. I think she was worried she might put holes in our hearts, too, and we'd always have that sadness like she did. I don't think she ever could've. All she ever did was love us and try. Like how Meulin does now.

Linny and I have a sadness inside us now, but I think it's going to be alright. We can stitch up the holes.

18 May 1638

I went to the village today with my friends and Aradia and Sollux are still so sweet together. They hold hands when we all sit in the square and I've seen him kiss her on the cheek. It's just too sweet. I wish I had something like that.

I know if I could gather up my courage I could ask Karkat, I might have a chance. But it's so scary! And I don't know how he feels about me. Meulin knew how Carlos felt about her. Or, at least, she could mostly tell. Meulin's good at that sort of thing. She'd tell me if she knew about Karkat, but she doesn't talk to him enough to know.

20 May 1638

Equius and I walked in the woods together today. We passed the clearing with the forget-me-nots, where Mama and her family rest, and Equius asked me why we never stop there.

"That's where my mama is. Her and her family," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Why are they not in the church yard?"

I thought about it, then said, "I-I don't really know."

"It's quite odd, is it not?"

"It's a bit odd," I agreed. "But I suppose my mama had her reasons. She asked us to bury her with her family out here."

Equius nodded. "I hope this is not rude, but your family is certainly odd."

"I suppose. But we're alright, Linny and me."

"Yes, you are."

I think we are. I think we're going to be just fine.

21 May 1638

Horuss came today with Equius to my home. He comes by sometimes to check on us. I think he worries about us. I know his father promised my mother that he'd take care of us, so I suppose sending over Horuss once in a while is one way to do that.

I don't think Meulin will ever ask him for help. She's awfully proud sometimes. If we really need help, it'll be up to me to ask for it. But I'm pretty sure we're alright for now. If we need help, I'll be able to tell because Meulin will eat less. She won't let me go hungry. I just have to make sure she doesn't go hungry.

22 May 1638

I took my friends to the creek today, Aradia and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska. We played battle, where we split up the land by the creek and had to steal our pieces of fabric from each other. It was terrific fun! In the end Terezi and Vriska beat me and Aradia and Tavros, but it was such fun I don't mind losing.

Meulin and I are starting a new book. It's an adventure of the sort our mama went on, that we'll probably never go on. I'm not sure I'd like to go on an adventure, but I do enjoy reading about them.

23 May 1638

I had a nightmare last night. I don't have them as often anymore, but I do still. Linny has them too. I dream about being back with our old parents and my stomach hurts so bad I can't stand up but I have to stand up and keep walking because if I don't they're going to take me away from Linny. Sometimes they're also going to take me away from Mama. So I keep walking even though it hurts but I never get any closer to my family.

I usually wake up when I collapse on the floor and someone comes to drag me away from Linny or Linny and Mama. I'm just glad I wake up.

24 May 1638

I worked on my garden today. I help Meulin with our mama's garden (our mama called it Dolora's garden, who I think was her mother-in-law, but to us it's our mama's garden), and then I can work on my flower garden.

My flowers are growing in beautifully. I brought last year's old dried buds out to lay on the ground so they can be part of the flowers again. My mama always helped me gather up the flowers when they died in the winter so I could keep them warm over the winter. Now Meulin helps me sometimes, or I just do it myself.

I have to keep the flowers warm in the winter. I have to take care of them, since no one else will.

25 May 1638

Meulin had her friends over today so I went out into the woods to play with my friends. Her friends all want to gossip about women and men and sit around drinking tea. My friends and I prefer going outside and doing something.

Well, Meulin can do as she pleases. I certainly won't stop her.

26 May 1638

I hope Meulin teaches me to hunt soon. I've been practicing shooting and my aim is getting better and better. I can hit the targets I drew on the trees from at least twenty paces. I like to practice at least an hour every day, when I can. I'll ask her again today.

27 May 1638

Meulin's brooding about our mama again. There's a lot our mama never told us about her life before she had us, and Meulin always wants to know about it. I'm alright not knowing about it. I think she would've told us if she wanted us to know. I think there were things she didn't want us to know because she didn't want to tell us.

Meulin refuses to read her journals, too. I definitely don't think we should, because they were private, and Meulin won't on principle. But she's curious.

28 May 1638

I've been keeping track of the plants and animals in my other notebook, like I always do, and I think it's been getting colder since I've started keeping track. It's only a little bit, but I've been keeping track and I think the flowers have been blooming a little bit later.

Meulin hasn't noticed. I asked her, but she says it's all really the same in the end. I don't think it is, but then, we care about different things.

It's alright. Between the two of us, I don't think anything gets missed.

29 May 1638

I saw Karkat today! He's not always in the village, although he never tells us why. When he is he can be a bit grumpy, but it's still nice to see him. He is awfully cute. I love his eyes, and his funny hair. He has a nice smile when he smiles, all soft and sweet like good caramel. I so wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel. He's just so wonderful!

Today we all sat and watched the people in the market together. It can be such fun to just sit and watch the people go by. There's so much to see! I like watching the people go about their days. I know just about everyone in the village, since I grew up here and all (for the important parts of my childhood), so it's fun to watch their days. My friends and I like to speculate on what they're doing, although we never know.

It's nice to have my friends around.

30 May 1638

Today Meulin also came into the village, but not for work. She works a lot but sometimes, once in a while, she takes a break to spend time with her friends.

I've told Meulin she doesn't have to work so much, but she doesn't listen. I suppose I am younger than her, so I can't stop her. She'll be okay. We're good at this.

1 June 1638

It's such lovely weather! I'd bring Equius swimming, but he absolutely refuses. He says it's undignified for him and he absolutely will not do something that is so "lewd and depraved". He says swimming leads to all sorts of sin and vice. I told him I just like to cool down a bit in the summer and my mama taught Linny and me, and I'll just go swimming alone if he doesn't come with me.

I won't. I'd only go swimming with someone else, usually Meulin. It's not safe to go alone.

2 June 1638

It's lovely and warm out right now. Meulin and I could spend whole days just sitting in the sun, on the grass, making crowns out of flowers, if only she didn't have so much work. We used to do that when we were younger. I remember one time we went to sit outside while our mama was working, and she thought we'd vanished. She came running out to find us and then when she saw we were safe, I thought she was going to cry.

We made her a flower crown that day. It was such a perfect, golden day.

3 June 1638

Karkat was in the village again today. He is very handsome. I feel a little bit light-headed whenever I see him, like the lightest touch could knock me over. I know Aradia and Tavros have noticed, and Terezi too. Equius didn't notice on his own, or maybe he just didn't want to notice. He knows now anyways!

I wish I could kiss him. It would be so wonderful,

5 June 1638

I helped Meulin in the garden yesterday for almost the whole day. She'd been neglecting it a bit. She and I never remember to weed. Between the two of us, we really should, but we never do. So yesterday we each took half the garden and got rid of all the weeds-all of them, even the big pointy ones we have to get out the heavy gloves for. It took forever, and I even had to go find the big gardening scissors to get at some of the worst weeds.

But now the garden looks wonderful and I know all the plants have plenty of space to grow. Whenever we need herbs, we'll just pluck them and go treat someone. That's all we need.

That, and a trip into the forest for some willow bark.

6 June 1638

While Meulin went hunting today, I went out into the woods with Equius to search for willow bark. I know where the willows grow, so I really brought Equius because I wanted him to be part of the my life this way. I don't want to be the midwife, but I do care about helping people. Anyways, it's fun to walk in the woods with him. He isn't my best friend for nothing.

We got plenty of the bark-the good inner bark, that is. I brought it all back in the basket I use for such things and helped Meulin grind it up properly. She also mixed up the medicine for a woman's monthly bleeding, the kind she keeps in the blue jar.

I'm going to get my monthly bleeding soon, probably. My chest has started to grow outwards a fair bit-I am fourteen. I'm not particularly fond of my breasts, but there isn't much to be done about it. And when I do have a baby (if I have a baby, I suppose), I will need them.

I know it's silly, but maybe when I grow a little more they can impress Karkat. I think men like that sort of thing. I know Meulin's worried about what Kurloz thinks about her body before.

I don't know if I can stand to think too much about Karkat's body before I blush too hard to think. He is very handsome.

7 June 1638

Meulin promised she'd teach me to shoot tomorrow! I'm very excited. She's going to let me use the big bow and arrows that used to be our mama's. I hope I'm as good with the big bow as the little one.

8 June 1638

I got to shoot today! I'm so proud of myself, and Meulin's proud of me too. I hit the target quite a lot. Soon enough I'll be able to hunt on my own.

I can't wait. It'll sure be something to be able to hunt my own food!

10 June 1638

I've been practicing almost every day since Meulin let me use her big bow. When she's not hunting, I take out the bow and arrow and practice. I also practice with the little one, but the big one's more powerful so it's better to hunt with. I hope I'm going to be a good hunter.

11 June 1638

We all played in the woods together today, hide-and-seek really. We set the river and the creek and the roads as the boundaries and then we hide wherever we like. I'm pretty good at that. I have lots of hiding spots! I'm really good at climbing trees, and when I'm up I can jump from tree to tree. So if Terezi tries to follow my tracks, which she is very good at, she can't! I've been up in the trees.

Tavros is really good at finding us. I don't know how he does it, but he's very good at seeking! He says he can tell because of how the animals act in the forest. They're smart enough to avoid people, because we do shoot them, and somehow he can figure out where we are because of that.

I have some very smart friends. I'm so glad they I know them.

12 June 1638

Linny and I finished our adventure book today. It was so wonderful! It had a happy ending, too. The villain went to prison and the hero married his darling. I know it's silly and not really for us strange people, but it would be awfully nice to finish my marriage and come home to marry my darling.

Karkat isn't my darling, but…maybe someday. Someday.

13 June 1638

I did some shooting today with Meulin, and she told me I was learning so fast she couldn't believe it. She said I was already great at shooting. I'm so happy! She's proud of me. She's always been proud of me but it still makes me happy to hear it.

When we were little, Linny used to tell me how proud she was of me for being strong when we were hungry. Now we don't have to be strong anymore because of hunger, but we do have to be strong to keep from being hungry.

So we are.

14 June 1638

I had the dream again last night, about running for Linny and not being able to get to her. Whenever I have that dream, I eat more than usual the next day. I can't be hungry again, because then I won't be able to get to Linny and Mama and all my friends.

Equius knows I have nightmares, but he doesn't ask about them. He worries that we don't eat enough because of how I eat after a nightmare. I've had to explain to him before that we have plenty but I'm growing and so I'm hungry a lot. He's also growing, so he also should be eating enough.

16 June 1638

Today I did a lot of reading. It was raining, so I didn't go into the village, and neither did Meulin. Instead, she read over our mama's book and her mama's book and I read about plants that grow in our area. I know that the plants care about the light and the warmth and the rain, so I keep track of those to figure out how the growing is going to be.

Meulin tells me when I know enough we can know what years to stock up on extra food. We keep extra food over the winter for people who get sick and need it. But if we know we'll need more, because the growing will be bad, we can plant more of our own food and hunt more for the winter.

I hope we have the money to buy some chickens this year.

17 June 1638

I counted up the pennies and we won't have the money to buy chickens this year. It's alright; we can get meat from the woods. One good deer can hold us for most of the winter, and I do like venison.

18 June 1638

Equius's father is ill again. Horuss doesn't want to tell him, but it's clear that his father isn't doing so well. Equius says he can hear the coughs, deep in his father's chest. I'm no midwife, not like my sister, but I know what that means. A cough deep in the chest could mean something much more serious than a little cold.

I didn't tell Equius that, because I could be wrong. But I know he's scared for his father. His mother passed away last year, not too long after mine, and while his family has money he is also frightened to be on his own.

Of course he is. I was.

19 June 1638

It's warm for swimming now. Meulin and I went together today, and we were soaking wet when we got home and laughing like we haven't since…since our mama passed away. She taught us how to swim. She taught us where the eddy was, where it was safe to swim, and how to keep our heads about water, and what to do if we got swept out in the current.

She taught us all of this, and I cannot possibly forget it.

20 June 1638

Meulin doesn't treat Equius's father. I know she could, but she doesn't. I suppose it's because they can afford to pay the physician. Meulin lets people pay her what they can, whatever that is, because we can get our own food. So if someone can't pay, Meulin still treats them.

I've seen her stitch up plenty of cuts from women who don't have their own money. I would never demand payment for such a thing, and neither would my sister, and neither would our mama.

22 June 1638

I finished my new shirt today. I'm growing breasts and so my shirt fronts can't be flat anymore; I have to make them different.

I also went into the market today and sold some of the things I sew to the seamstress. I can do very fine, small work and so the seamstress will pay me a few pence to take some of the more tedious work off her hands. I don't find it tedious, so I do it, and we get money. I also bought a few things we need-milk and flour and a little yeast. We're making more bread tomorrow.

24 June 1638

Equius's father is a little better now, so he's feeling less worried. I'm sure his father will be alright. Despite it all, he's strong. He'll be alright.

25 June 1638

I'm pretty sure Meulin's read our mother's journals, but she won't tell me. She insists she hasn't, but she's always asking questions about our mama. She wants to know what happened. She wants to know what happened between April tenth and April sixteenth in 1623, and what really happened when our mama left her home when she was young. She wants to know what happened to our mama's family.

I want to know, but not that much. I think our mama suffered a lot, and I think that I don't want to know everything. I'm a little frightened to know.

27 June 1638

I've been very diligent about noting when my flowers bloom and when the wildflowers bloom. Today I went for a walk through the woods and checked for the wildflowers. The forget-me-nots have bloomed in the graveyard clearing. I keep track of those the most, because I need them to come back every year. In the same way I take care of my flowers, Mama and her family take care of the forget-me-nots.

28 June 1638

My friends and I played again in the woods today, guards and robbers. I much prefer being a robber. I like to run fast and hide and help my "robber" friends hide our loot. (Our loot is an old bag I sewed a long time ago with some rocks in it, but it's good for hiding and such.) This time Vriska and Terezi and I were the robbers and Aradia and Tavros were the guards. We got away with our loot!

I'm exhausted. It's time for a long night's sleep.

29 June 1638

I started a shawl today. It'll take me some time to do, so I'm starting now so it's ready for fall. I don't always have lots of time to work on my knitting, especially in fall when we're busy preserving.

I do help around the house. I just don't write about it.

30 June 1638

Equius's father is all better, back to normal. I'm relieved. I hope it's not his time, not yet. Equius deserves better than the lot Meulin and I were dealt.