1 October 1638
I went for a walk in the forest today by myself, and I noticed that every step felt like home. I felt down in my bones that this is home, and I was home. It's hard to explain. It's just that every step sounded of home.
5 October 1638
Meulin agrees with me that the woods feel like home. When we go to the clearing with the pine tree in the middle, the one by the creek, it feels right. I love exploring off the paths and climbing up trees to get better views and sitting in strange places to read. Meulin fusses when I come home with little scrapes on my arms and legs, but I can see she's glad I love the forest. And they're not deep or bloody.
Meulin just fusses a lot. She's worried about me. But I'm fine. I miss our mama all the time and I'm scared of growing up and sometimes everything with my friends feels so complicated I can hardly stand it, but I know I'm going to be alright in the end. I have my sister and my friends, Equius most of all, and I'm going to be just fine.
8 October 1638
The harvest has been bad this year. Meulin and I haven't had trouble, but people who farm properly have. Sollux and Aradia and Tavros's families and a few others have been having trouble. Harvest season is not so joyful this year as it usually is. I love harvest time normally because everyone's so happy, but this year it's tense. It makes me nervous. I hope the winter is warm and short, for all our sakes.
11 October 1638
I had a terrible nightmare last night. In my nightmares I'm always hungry. Sometimes that's all it is-I'm alone in my old bedroom, and I'm so hungry it hurts. I feel like I can't keep my balance when I try to walk up and my vision goes dark when I stand up, and my insides ache with this terrible itching, burning feeling.
This one also had Linny in it, were playing our old games, where Linny's a witch and she's teaching me to be a witch too, except we were doing real magic and our old parents found us and we got in trouble and the hunger came back, like it always does.
Meulin can always tell I've had nightmares because I eat lots the next day. I can't help it. The feeling of being hungry stays with me for a long time after I wake up.
14 October 1638
I asked Equius today if he's ever been hungry, and he said yes, and so I asked him how long. He looked terribly confused and said, "How do you mean?"
"I mean-when I was little I was hungry all the time. So…seven years? Eleven for Linny. How long were you hungry?"
"Not more than a few hours."
"Oh."
"I am sorry."
"What for?"
He blinked. "It…it saddens me that you experienced that."
"Um, thanks," I said. I didn't want him to feel sad, but it was nice that he was sad for me. "I'm not anymore. Meulin and I can get our own food."
"If you are ever hungry again, I am certain my family would provide assistance."
"I know. But we're doing fine."
"Are you certain?" For a moment, he looked so scared I was scared too. I think Equius is scared of losing me, like I'm scared of losing him. It never really occurred to me that he might feel that way about me. But he is my best friend! Of course he'd love me like I love him.
My goodness, I hope people don't think we love each other like my sister and Kurloz, though. I think that would just make everything so much more complicated.
18 October 1638
The fall colors are really beautiful. Meulin and I went for a walk today and she told me what's going on with her friends. One of her friends (a man, naturally) is playing with her other friends' feelings, including Equius's brother. I'm very glad my friends aren't like that. Maybe we will be when we're older, but for now none of us are doing nonsense like that.
I like Tavros, but his brother doesn't seem like a nice man.
21 October 1638
I'm so excited for the festival! I'm going to wear a pretty skirt from last year that I put new embroidery in. I've been practicing my dances and I hope it goes well! I'm going to ask Karkat to dance. I will! I'm nervous to but I'm going to do it. Aradia says I should and then her and Sollux and Karkat and me can all spend time together as couples.
Sollux and Aradia don't seem to be doing much different than they did before, except holding hands sometimes, although I suppose they do spend a little more time together. But they're happy, and that's what matters.
23 October 1638
Tavros and I went out into the woods today and we were talking about the festival when he confessed to me that he likes Vriska! I think she's kind of scary, but then, I like Karkat and Tavros is a bit frightened of Karkat.
He said he's going to ask her to dance at the festival! I told him about my plan to ask Karkat and he smiled, so soft like he does, and said he wished me luck. Tavros is very kind. I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends.
27 October 1638
I can hardly wait! The closer it gets, the more excited and the more nervous I get. What if he says no? For that matter, what if he says yes? I don't know what I'll do!
I'm all in a tizzy! Equius has been very patient with me, and so have Aradia and Kanaya. Just a few more days and I'll be dancing with Karkat! He's so handsome. I think about touching him sometimes, because I can only imagine it would be wonderful. Meulin practically dances around after Kurloz kisses her.
I'm sure I will be walking on air after I dance with Karkat. He's so wonderful.
31 October 1638
I didn't do it tonight. I almost did! I got so close but at the las moment I got scared and I didn't. I danced with the rest of my friends, of course, the big dances we all do together, and with my sister, but not with Karkat.
Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow for sure.
1 November 1638
I did it! I danced with him today! Oh, it was wonderful. It wasn't a slow dance, not really, but it was a partner dance and when I asked him he said yes right away! He's very warm, and his hands aren't soft like Equius's but I like it that way. He works outside, so he doesn't have perfect skin, but he's soft in the ways that matter, on the inside.
I think I danced well, and he was a wonderful dance partner. I felt like I was floating when we held hands. It was just wonderful.
He didn't say anything else to me besides the usual friendly conversation, but I didn't mind. He talked to me, which is more than I can say for some people I've met, who know I'm different and don't give me the time of day because of it. He was perfectly kind to me, or as kind as he ever is.
Meulin teased me when it was time to go home. She saw me dancing with him and she couldn't help but to give me that grin she does when she's involving herself in someone else's loves. I know she means well, but I went all red anyways.
I'm still thinking about it! I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll try, but I simply cannot stop thinking about how it felt to dance with him. I felt like my stomach was dancing with me, and my heart felt like a woodpecker against my ribs. I can't stop smiling!
I best try to get some sleep. I have chores to do tomorrow.
3 November 1638
Equius is terribly confused about my excitement, but I think he understands a little because I asked him how he would feel if he danced with Aradia and he went very red. I'm still thinking about it! We danced together! I've danced with lots of people but it still feels important.
Linny thinks I'm being silly, I can tell, even though she hasn't said anything. It's the way she smiles at me. She isn't making fun, I don't think, not like her friends do sometimes. But she sees me like I'm still a child. I'm fifteen! I'm young, but I'm not a child anymore.
6 November 1638
Sollux's older brother is going to marry Terezi's sister! They're going to have a lovely wedding in the church and then move to a cottage next to Terezi's family's land, where they'll farm. Sollux's family are farmers and they don't teach smithing to women, so they'll farm. Anyways, Terezi's family doesn't use the land for much. I think they rent it, maybe.
Come to think of it, while I know we own our house, I'm fairly sure the land isn't ours. No one's ever bothered to stop us from exploring it and hunting on it and making that clearing our graveyard. We have the papers that prove we own the house and the garden, but nothing about the forest.
Well, until someone tries to stop us, I see no reason why we should. It might as well we ours.
8 November 1638
Oh my goodness! Kurloz proposed to my sister today! I always knew he would, but he did today and he gave her the most beautiful ring. It reminds me of the one my mother always wore that she said her husband gave her as a promise. Meulin won't stop looking. She looks absolutely radiant with happiness. And she's going to let me help her make her dress! I'm so excited.
But it won't be for a while. She's not going to get married and leave until I'm old enough. Old enough. She means when I'm eighteen, so when I'm an adult to the law. I wish she wouldn't treat me like a baby. I…I don't want her to leave just yet. I'm only fifteen. But she doesn't have to wait until I'm an adult. I reminded her that she was only seventeen when our mama passed, and she told me she wasn't ready and she wants to be sure I'm ready when she leaves.
I'll be ready. I'm not a child. People think I am because I don't like to talk to strangers and I can't pronounce all the words I know but I'm not. I wish Meulin wouldn't treat me like one.
11 November 1638
I already know what I'm going to embroider on Linny's wedding dress-forget-me-nots. They're such a lovely flower and they're…they're ours, in a way. The clearing with the forget-me-nots is where our mama is, and the little blue flowers grow around our house where the gardens aren't. And it's a lovely name. We could never forget each other, Linny and me. We're sisters. We always will be.
15 November 1638
Feferi and Eridan and Gamzee came down to the village today to see us. I managed to avoid the boys, but Feferi and I sat in the square on the fountain and talked for a while. I told her about my sister and her friends, and Feferi told me about how things are in the palace.
"I'm going to be married soon, probably," she said idly.
"Oh?"
"Well, I'm fifteen. Meenah's engaged to Cronus, of course, to strengthen ties within the country. I've met with a prince in Germany, and one in France. Less likely Denmark, or Spain, or Holland."
"Are you going to leave?"
"Of course."
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"Well…I'd never want to leave. I'm not going to have to go anywhere until I want to. So I don't have to leave my house and my forest and my garden."
"I don't know," Feferi said. "I suppose I don't want to have to have children with a strange man. But it's my job, and I've seen the palaces-they are beautiful. It would be a nice life."
"There are men here you might marry."
"I suppose. My mother isn't particularly keen on marrying my sister and I off too quickly. It's nice-more time to learn."
"Doesn't it bother you?"
"Doesn't what?"
"Being a…a…a bargaining chip."
Feferi blinked at me, then said, "I never thought of it that way."
"I'd hate it," I said. "I can't even imagine. I hope my sister's daughters don't grow up with that hanging over their heads."
"Why would they?" Feferi asked, and she still seemed confused.
"She's marrying Kurloz."
"Oh, right."
"Meulin's going to teach her daughters to be the midwife like she is."
"Well, I'm going to teach my daughters how to be royal, like I am," Feferi said. "I don't think it's so bad a life."
"I suppose not," I say. "You certainly have all the food you'll ever need!"
"Don't you?"
I blinked. "Feferi, we hardly ever have enough."
"But there's plenty."
"Well, yes, but we don't get it."
"I-that's odd. I best tell my mother." It is…strange, to remember that I'm friendly with the princess of our country, second in line to the throne. She meant she was going to talk to our queen, Her Majesty Queen Candas. It's very strange.
Anyways, I suppose Feferi will try, but I doubt anything will change. My mother tried to move the whole country and nothing changed.
And I still can't imagine being in her place. I have-I have time, I suppose. And I never even have to get married if I don't want to. At least I'd never be hungry again, in her place.
19 November 1638
It's getting cold again. It's the hungry time of year. My sister and I always preserve more food than we think we'll need, to help feed those who can't feed themselves and…and because we might not have enough someday.
I'm scared to go hungry again. I know Meulin won't let us, and I won't let us either, and our mama never did, but I'm scared.
21 November 1638
It's been cold, but today was the first day it snowed! Oh, it was beautiful, like a light coating of sugar on everything. Our mama used to say that the snowflakes were made in heaven and tossed down by the angels for us to have on the earth. Maybe she's making them now, just for Linny and me.
24 November 1638
It's going to be Advent soon. Meulin and I got out the candles today, and the rest of our Christmas things. We're going tomorrow to get branches from the forest for wreaths, and then we're going to decorate! I'm very excited. I love Christmas. Everyone feels happier and the world feels a little bit warmer, and there's a sense of plenty about. It feels like there's enough for everybody-enough food, enough warmth, enough love.
Meulin thinks of it differently than I do. Our parents made us hungry. They starved us, even though we had enough. It's different, to her. I always thought about being hungry. Meulin thinks about it like being alone. She talks about it like our old parents could've held us closer and instead they didn't. I think that's why she always wanted hugs from our mama.
She doesn't just say it, of course. But we have enough now.
28 November 1638
Today was the first Sunday of Advent! Mituna and Latula were just married and now it's Advent, and it's so wonderful. Everything is just lovely right now!
Maybe I'll dance with Karkat again at the Christmas festival! Oh, I'm so excited. I don't much like my winter cloak, but the festival is so warm and the dancing so fast that I'm sure I won't need it. And perhaps, just perhaps, it can grow to something more.
Slowly, we'll get there.
1 December 1638
The best part about winter is getting in bed underneath all my warm quilts and feeling so comfortable I could stay there forever. I love having lots of blankets on my bed. There's something about the weight of them.
When it gets really cold, sometimes my sister and I curl up in the kitchen, near the big fire, and stay warm together. We used to with our mama, too, when it got too cold to do much else. The fire in the kitchen is always hot and we keep it going all the time. The little ones in our rooms aren't bad, but the big one in the kitchen is the warmest.
Of course, we cuddle Button, too. She knows how to keep warm in the winter, and it's by snuggling up to me or Linny, or by getting under our blankets. It's good to have Button around.
5 December 1638
Today was the second Sunday of Advent. We lit the candles today and talked about what makes us joyful. I'm still happy about dancing with Karkat! And I also talked about Button. Meulin talked about Latula and Mituna and their brand-new marriage. I'm very happy for them. I hope I'm that happy when I'm married. I hope Kurloz makes Meulin that happy. I still don't like him that much, but I know Meulin likes him. And I suppose that's what matters, in the end.
7 December 1638
My friends and I went out into the forest today and threw snowballs at each other and it was so wonderful! It's such fun to play in the snow. I know we're too old for play, but it was fun. I hope it doesn't all go away when we grow up. I don't want to stop enjoying life when I'm an adult.
I don't think Meulin has lost all fun. We still play together sometimes.
10 December 1638
It's our second Christmas without Mama. We're going to cook a fancy dinner like we did when it was the three of us, but I think I'm still going to think about Mama and miss her. I don't know if I can not miss our mama. But it's going to be alright, I think. We'll manage. We talk about missing Mama and it gets a little bit better.
12 December 1638
Today was the third Sunday of Advent! It's the pink candle today, and we talked about how peaceful everything feels when the snow has fallen and the world is quiet. And we talked about Mama some, too. I told Linny how I miss our mama's stories and her pretty smile, and how she always told us she was proud of us.
I know she was proud of us, and I know Meulin's proud of me now. When we go to the clearing with the forget-me-nots and talk to her grave, I can almost feel her smiling at us when we made crowns out of daisies in front of the house. I still miss her, though. I don't know if I'll ever stop.
15 December 1638
Christmas is so soon! I'm very excited. It's going to be wonderful to go into the village and dance, and cook with my sister, and trade presents, and of course fall asleep with Button curled up with me. Button likes to sleep in bed with me. I think she just likes that I'm really warm. Well, I like that she's really soft, so I suppose it all works out.
18 December 1638
I don't know what I'm going to get Meulin for Christmas. I suppose a book would be good. I have some money from selling my needlework in the village, and maybe it's enough for a book. Meulin loves romance novels, especially ones with happy endings. I prefer books about adventures, or ones about real life. I like books about the plants and animals around me. I want to know everything there is to know about the world around me! There's so much to it, so many plants and animals and rivers and rocks and stars and clouds. I want to know about all of them.
I know a few constellations, and I point them out to Linny when we walk home at night. I know Orion in the winter and Cygnus in the summer, and Cassiopia and the Big Bear all year round. We can navigate by the North Star if we need to.
Like the Wise Men, we can follow the stars where we need to go.
19 December 1638
Today is the fourth Sunday of Advent. It's for love, and so we celebrated all the love we have. My sister and I love each other, of course, and we love Button, and we have all of our friends, and Meulin's engaged, and it's all just lovely. Our mama loved us to, and we still love her, and I know that as long as I live I will have people I love who love me back.
It's going to be alright. I know it will be.
23 December 1638
I found the perfect book for Meulin! It's a romance novel in French. The man who had it was selling it for very little because he doesn't know French. Our mama taught us French and little bit of Russian, and Meulin loves French. I'm so excited to give it to her! I think she's going to love it.
25 December 1638
Christmas today! Meulin and I cooked pudding and the green beans with the nuts and a roast and we had a feast, us and Button, and we fed Button the scraps. I miss having Mama around to cook with, but it tasted almost as good with three as with two and it felt so good with be home with my sister. We're going to be alright, and I know it when we hae Christmas together.
Oh, and she loved the book I got her! I could see her eyes get bright and happy. And she gave me everything I need to make a toy cat, so even when Button's out mousing or on Meulin's bed, I can still cuddle something soft while I sleep. Cuddling with people is too much. When people used to hug me when I was little it hurt, but Button's little and so it's fine. I think a toy cat would be much the same. I'll start tomorrow!
28 December 1638
The cat is coming along nicely, although Button seems somewhat displeased. I hope she's not jealous. She's much too smart for that. She's a smart cat, which is part of why I like her.
Meulin keeps having Kurloz over for lunch and I know they're in love and engaged and everything, but it's still irritating that he's always over. Sometimes I want to have lunch with Linny and not her fiancé. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know she's going to get married and leave someday soon, and I'd just like some time with my sister before then.
31 December 1638
I finished the cat today! I named her Blue because she's made of blue fabric and she lives on my bed. Button likes cuddling her, too, so we can both cuddle in my bed when it's cold like it is now.
Tomorrow is the new year. It's going to be 1639! I'm so excited. Maybe this year I'll tell Karkat how I feel, and I'll get to have my own romance, like all my friends. It's going to be wonderful.