1 January 1639
Happy New Year! My sister and I had lunch together today. There's a while future ahead of us and we talked about everything we want to do this year. There's so much to do in the new year. I'm going to turn sixteen, for one. Meulin promised to teach me to hunt when I turn sixteen, and my aim is only getting better. Equius still can hardly get an arrow off, but we all have different skills.
Meulin's going to get married soon, I'd wager. I mean, she is engaged now! For real! She tells me she's going to wait until I'm old enough, but I'm going to be old enough soon. I'm not a baby. I'm fifteen! My goodness, Feferi's my age and she's going to be married soon. I'm not a baby. I wish Meulin wouldn't treat me like one.
3 January 1639
I went to Mama's grave today, on my own. The forget-me-nots don't grow in the winter, but the snow reminds me of her, too. I cleared out a space where her headstone is and told her all about Karkat and Equius and Aradia and Sollux and Kanaya and Tavros and everyone else, and about Meulin and Kurloz and Horuss, and I told her how Mr. Zahhak is still trying to take care of us like he promised (I assume he promised, since he acts like he did). And I told her how I am, of course. I told her I'm keeping a journal.
I also asked her a lot of questions. I know she can't answer, and I know I'll never know, and now that she's with God she might not even hear me, but I have to ask. (I know she's with God, for we were hungry and she gave us something to eat). I asked her about what all happened before she had Meulin and me, and what happened to Meulin before she came for me. I asked her what her life was when she was my age. There's so much I don't know about her. There's a lot I don't know about Meulin, either, but I can ask her in a way I can't ask Mama.
I climbed a tree and sat there for a while and then went home. It wasn't how I normally do things, so it was odd and a bit disorienting, but I managed. I suppose that's how Meulin figured out I was feeling odd. But then, we both have some odd days.
It's good that Linny and I have each other. I'm not sure what we'd do otherwise.
6 January 1639
Equius came over today like he said he would and we went walking in the woods, following the path to the river. We passed the turn for the graveyard and Equius, for the first time, asked me where it went.
"We have never been down that path."
"I know."
"Why not?"
"It-it goes to the graveyard."
He looked confused. "It does not lead back to the village."
"No. It's not the churchyard. Just…the graveyard. My…my mama is there."
"Oh." He paused. "Why not the churchyard?"
"So she could be with her family. Her husband, first son, mother-in-law, and best friend." I felt like crying but I wasn't sure he'd notice.
"I am sorry," he said. "We do not have to go that way. I know how much you cared about her."
I nodded. "I'll show you someday. Just not today. When the forget-me-nots are blooming."
He nodded back and said, "Whenever you feel ready."
"We…we can go see your mother, sometime. If that'd be alright."
"Someday," he answered.
We didn't say much else, but we walked to the river and back. We both miss our mothers. We share that, and so we don't always have to say it, which is nice.
10 January 1639
It snowed very much today, so I stayed inside and cooked and sewed and knitted and did some of my work writing down which animals I see and when. Horuss and Meulin had lunch and Equius came, too, so we sat in the library together and read. Equius forgets sometimes I can read. I don't think he means to, but none of our other friends in the village do, so it makes sense that he would. He always looks embarrassed when he forgets, so I know he doesn't mean to.
Anyways, we had a good afternoon. I like spending time with Equius and my sister.
13 January 1639
I practiced shooting today and when Equius came by, I tried again to show him how. He almost broke my bow! I made him let go after that. I've been using our mama's old bow to practice, when Meulin doesn't need it to hunt. I'm not sure what we're going to do when we're both hunting, because the small bow isn't as good for it. Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I suppose.
Anyways, he's not allowed to practice with my bow anymore. He feels bad about it and said he'd bring his own so we could practice together.
17 January 1639
I'm going to try to tell him soon. I'm going to tell Karkat how I feel! Every time I see him I feel like I'm floating. He doesn't smile often, but when he does, I swear it's like the sun shining out from behind the clouds. I feel like I could fly.
I hope he feels the safe way. He can be mean but I don't think he means to be cruel. He doesn't say mean things about my mother or my sister. He's kind when he wants to be, but he doesn't let on how he's feeling, ever. I know how people are feeling usually, but he never says it. So I have no idea how he feels about me! It's very frightening.
I might ask Meulin. She told Kurloz, and he's a nobleman. She must know how this all works. Maybe I can practice with her. It's good to practice before doing something, I think. That way you're already good at it.
That said, I feel like I've got a mouthful of nettles whenever I think about telling him-before Meulin makes them into tea.
20 January 1639
I practiced with Linny yesterday, and I know what I'm going to say no matter what! If he says he likes me back then I'll ask him if he wants to go for a walk together. I think it'd be lovely to go walking to the river with him. I'd show him all the best climbing trees and the beautiful clearings, and the creek of course! One of these days I'll follow the creek to where it comes from. Our mama did once, I think.
And if he says he doesn't like me then I'll tell him it's fine and I'll go home, and Linny said she'd make me tea. If he's mean about it I'll yell at him like he yells at everyone else, and then Linny will make me tea. My friends will be there for me, of course. Equius doesn't quite understand why this is so important to me, but he's so kind when I'm upset. He'll just sit with me and let me be upset until I want to talk or walk, and if I cry he'll hold my hand and wait with me until I'm done. Of course Aradia and Kanaya and Terezi and Tavros will be kind and fun to spend time with.
Meulin will certainly tear him apart if he's cruel to me. I'll ask her not to but I know she'll want to.
22 January 1639
Oh, I'm so nervous! I talked about it with Aradia and Kanaya today.
"What if he says he doesn't like me?"
"It'll be fine," Aradia said. "I promise."
"Yours likes you!" I pointed out. I was lying on the edge of the fountain, staring up at the sky. I like when there's something to press my back against.
"It's frightening," Kanaya agreed. "But you can do it."
"I also could just…not do it," I said.
"And never know?" Aradia countered.
"Would that be so bad?" I asked.
"If he does like you, then you could be with him," Aradia said.
"And if he doesn't, then you can see who else there is."
"I don't know who else there is!" I said. "He's…he's the one for me. He's so handsome and wonderful…"
"There are other men," Aradia said.
"And women," Kanaya said.
"Oh?" I asked.
Kanaya went terribly red. "I-well. You know the family who moved here from the city? The Lalondes?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well, there's a daughter. Our age."
"Yes, Rosalind," I said.
"Rose," Kanaya said, blushing even redder. "She was named after her aunt."
"Have you been talking to her?" I asked, excited. "Tell us everything!"
"She's very smart," Kanaya said. "And she's not afraid to show it. There's so much to say. And she's funny, too. And…and very beautiful."
"Oh, you're sweet for her!" I said. "You should tell her!"
"Hush," Kanaya said. "And-and what about you! My goodness."
"I will," I said impatiently. "But tell us about Rose! We don't know her."
"She's from the city," Kanaya said. "She grew up there, and her family moved here when she was thirteen. You remember. She loves to read philosophy. She reads! I suppose that's what it's like to grow up in the city."
"You should bring her to meet us sometime," Aradia said.
"She can bring her friends, too," I said. "Aren't there other people from the city?"
Kanaya nodded. "Yes! John and Dave and Jade. We'll all meet."
"I can't wait," I said.
"Oh, you changed the subject!" Aradia said. "You ought to tell Karkat."
"I-soon," I said. "I promise! Soon."
"I'll hold you to it," Aradia said.
24 January 1639
Aradia and Kanaya bothered me again today. And I'm going to do it tomorrow! For real. I'm so nervous. But I'm going to do it! I have to. I'm going to.
25 January 1639
I feel terrible. I didn't know I could feel this bad. My stomach hurts and I think I'm going to cry. He said no.
I found him in the village today and I told him I wanted to say something to him, so we went a little further from the rest of our friends and I said, "I-I just wanted to tell you. I really like you. And I'd like to-to see you. Romantically." I felt like my heart was beating up to my hair and down to my toes. I've never been so nervous in my life.
He looked very uncomfortable and said, "Um. No thanks."
"What?"
"I don't-I don't like you. Like that," he said. I think he was going to say something else, but I squeaked like a mouse and I felt that awful feeling in my throat that means I'm going to cry.
"I have to go." I said and I ran home. Meulin tried to talk to me but I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to be left alone forever. I hate everything. I don't know why I even bothered. Why should he like me? Everyone knows I'm different.
I can't write anymore or I won't be able to read it. My hand is shaking too badly.
27 January 1639
Equius came to see me today. I was in my room so he came up and sat on my chair while I laid back on my bed and cried some more.
"I am sorry," he said.
I sniffled.
"You…you are a wonderful person," he said. "You are my dearest friend. He does not know what he could have had."
"Don't tell me you like me that way," I groaned.
He blinked. "I-no, Nepeta. I only wish to tell you that you are a good person and friend."
"Good," I said. "I-you're great, too."
He smiled a little, genuine like he usually isn't, and he sat with me while I was sad until it was time for dinner.
29 January 1639
I went into the village today but just to see Aradia and Kanaya and Tavros and Terezi, because Equius said they're worried about me. I suppose that's expected. I was gone for a few days.
They were all kind about it. Aradia said he's not good enough for me, not by half, and Kanaya said he's mean anyways and Tavros said I'm very nice. I know they mean it but I wish he liked me back. It still hurts. I just feel like crying. I came home and cried some more and I cuddled Button, which was nice. At least Button doesn't care if no one likes me. And she's very soft.
31 January 1639
I can't stand to see Meulin and Kurloz right now. I know it isn't fair but they're so lovely-dovey with each other and I just can't handle that right now. Whenever he's here I just go somewhere else. I can stay in the woods for hours if I remember my warm cloak.
2 February 1639
I've avoided seeing him for a while now but we ran into each other while I was doing some shopping. I was in the market, and I just finished selling my work, and I was going to buy some eggs from Mrs. Hill when I saw Karkat buying milk. He saw me and he met my eyes and I shoved the money at Mrs. Hill and ran away. I don't want to have to see him.
The eggs are fine. We can't afford to let them break. Everything's more expensive now with the bad harvests.
5 February 1639
I've been tending the my garden so it's ready for spring. At least my garden can distract me. My primroses and carnations would never make fun of me.
7 February 1639
My stomach hurts. I'm just not very hungry and my head hurts, too. I just feel awful.
I don't want to cry this much. I didn't even cry this much when Mama died, although then I mostly didn't feel anything at all. Sometimes I still don't. I just feel tired and cold and empty. Sometimes it just feels like I'll never be happy again. I just want to curl up in my room and cry for the rest of my life.
I don't know. I'm just tired.
10 February 1639
I know I should talk to my sister about all this but I don't want to. She has a boy who loves her back. It's not fair. Everything is easy for her. People like her and she's good at things, and she can do things easily. It's not fair.
Her friends were here today so I went out into the woods to be alone. I thought of going to see Equius but I don't know if he'd want to see me. I hardly ever go to his house anyways, because he has an estate of a sort. I feel strange there. It's hard to explain, but I feel out of place. It's a place for rich men and quiet women. I may be different, but I am not quiet. Our mama taught Linny and me not to be quiet, and we aren't.
Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow. I feel…a little lonely.
13 February 1639
I went to see Equius today. He hadn't been over because his warm cloak needed mending. I was starting to worry that he didn't like me anymore, but he said he wasn't allowed to go see me without a warm cloak. That makes sense. Meulin always makes me wear my warm cloak when I go out in the winter months.
Anyways, we went out into the woods together and sat on the log in the clearing near the creek, and we talked about not much. I told him I was really sad about Karkat not liking me, and he said it definitely wasn't going to be easy but I would feel alright again.
"How do you know?"
"I do not wish to remind you of old pains, but you have seen much worse."
"I guess. This just feels a lot more personal. Like there's something wrong with me."
"I assure you nothing is."
I shrugged.
"There is-you would say there is nothing wrong with me, correct?"
"Of course! You're my best friend."
"Do you wish to marry me?"
I blinked. "I-no, Equius. I-"
"You see?"
"I see what?"
"You see how we enjoy each other's company and hold each other dear, however we do not hold romantic feelings towards each other?"
"Oh. Yes, I see." I felt a bit better at that. And it's the most gentle Equius has ever been about anything, especially considering how little he likes Karkat. He always thought Karkat wasn't good enough for me. I know he's illegitimate, but so was my mother's husband, and he was always a kind man. Or perhaps it's that he shouts so much and he can act really mean. He isn't but he acts it. He's the opposite of his brother that way. Kankri acts nice but he's not, not really.
Maybe I should talk to Meulin. She's nice and she acts it.
15 February 1639
I talked with Meulin today, finally, partly to tell her not to go scream at Karkat. I can tell she wants to.
"He wasn't mean, Meulin. You don't have to shout at him."
"Alright, Kitty," she said. I know she still wanted to go yell at him, but since I asked her not to she won't.
"I'm just sad," I sad. "He said no." I didn't know how else to say it.
"Oh, Nepeta…it's alright to be sad. It's perfectly alright. It hurts a lot when someone turns you down." She had that soft face she has, when she's hurting for me. Sometimes it's kindness and sometimes it's pity, and I really can't stand it when she pities me.
"You don't know, you have Kurloz," I said, feeling annoyed. She has her love.
"I do, but you remember Paul. He said no when I told him I liked him," she said.
"Oh," I said. I didn't remember that, but when she mentioned it I recalled some silly thing she never even told our Mama much about.
"It hurts a lot, and that's perfectly alright. Oh, Kitty…I'm so sorry. He doesn't know what he's missing," she said, as I expected.
"Not much," I said, still cross. "I'm different. He knows it. Everyone does!"
"So what if you're different? You're still an amazing person. You're good at most everything you try and you're brilliant and creative and kind, and you're very pretty, too. If he doesn't like you because you're different, he doesn't deserve you," she said, like she has to. She's my big sister.
"But I want him to!" I said. "I still like him!" I know it's silly and a little bit pathetic, but I do.
"It'll fade, Kitty," she said, and I don't think she was lying
"I don't want it to. Maybe he'll change his mind!" I said. I know it's stupid to be so hopeful but I can't help it.
"Or maybe he won't," she said, trying to be gentle. "Sometimes you need to let these things go."
"Easy for you to say. You're engaged," I pointed out.
"That's not fair," she said.
"Yes it is," I said. "You have someone who likes you back."
"And you will too, someday, if that's what you want," she said. "But it might not be Karkat. It could be someone else. You just need to keep your eyes open."
"Fine," I said. I know she was trying to help, and she is a little bit right, but I still like him. "But I'm going to keep liking him."
"Fair enough," she said. "Just…please don't let him hurt you."
"I'll try," I said with a little smile.
I will. But it still hurts, a lot.
19 February 1639
I felt a bit better today when I went into the village. I spent time with my friends and I didn't cry at all. Maybe I will be alright, in the end.
22 February 1639
I saw Karkat again today on accident, because our village is not that big and we have all the same friends. Aradia and Kanaya saw, too, and so they got me away so I wouldn't have to talk to him. My friends have been very kind about it. I just wish they didn't have to.
I know it'll be alright in the end-everything is. I wish it didn't have to hurt so much in the meantime.
25 February 1639
I feel terribly sorry for Meulin right now. A baby didn't make it a few days ago and it's always hard on her. I caught her crying in her room, so I sent Button over to cuddle with her. Button likes being in my room, but Meulin needed a cat to cuddle her more than I did. Meulin can have Button as much as she needs for the next few days.
It's hard for Meulin when she loses someone. She works hard to keep people alive and healthy, but sometimes there's nothing she can do, and that's very hard for her. It's another reason I couldn't do her job.
I do love my sister, even when she's frustrating.
27 February 1639
I'd expect it to be a bit warmer this time of year, but it isn't and I suppose that's just how life is sometimes. I just hope the ground thaws in time.
1 March 1639
It would've been nice if Karkat liked me back. I still think it would be nice, if he changed his mind. I'd like to hold his hand and walk with him in the woods, take him to all my favorite spots. I think it would be wonderful to kiss him. Meulin blushes red as a rose when I ask her about kissing, so I know it must be good.
I'm glad it's getting warmer out. Things always feel better when it's warm out.
4 March 1639
The snowdrops are coming out, and they are so lovely. I love those little white blossoms poking out of the cold, hard ground to see the bright spring days. There's always something nice about seeing the flowers come out after a long, cold winter. Maybe it's just that I know things will always make a full circle again, and come back around to where it's warm and safe.
It's going to be so nice when the daffodils first sprout. Them and the crocuses remind me that you can wait underground all winter and still come out beautiful.
It's another circle.
7 March 1639
We're getting ready for spring, Meulin and I. We're getting out the seeds, and Linny's preparing the house for spring with the spring quilts and such. I've been getting the garden ready for planting-the flowers in front and the herbs and vegetables in the back. It makes me feel better to know that we'll be able to grow our food again. It makes me nervous when we run low on food. I know between Linny and me we'll never go hungry again, but I still worry.
Meulin would never let me be hungry. I won't let her be hungry, either. Not ever again.
11 March 1639
There's some nonsense going on with Meulin and her friends. I'm glad my friends aren't like that as much. We don't have any love triangles or cheaters. Meulin's told me some of what's going on, and Aradia said her sister is…not doing well. Kanaya's sister thinks this is because men ruin everything, which I suppose is sometimes true. Men do ruin a lot of things. Tavros's brother isn't particularly happy about how it all turned out, but Tavros told me privately that he does not feel that bad for him. He was nervous to say so and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone else. (My journal doesn't count, because no one else reads it or ever will.)
Anyways, while I'm sad Karkat said he didn't like me, I'm glad he didn't lie to me. I think that would've hurt the worst.
13 March 1639
I felt a bit better today. I felt like smiling more than I have in a while. Linny's glad for me, I think, since she's been smiling back at me. She's happy when I am, and I'm happy when she is.
I worry a little bit about my sister. I can tell she's worried about Horuss and Kurloz, since they don't get along so well. And Kurloz is under a lot of pressure from his father the duke. I feel sorry for him. Mama never told us we had to do anything, just be happy and make the choices we wanted to. It must be hard to live life with your father molding you like that.
He does seem to love Meulin, though, so I suppose he wasn't raised that bad. I've seen the way he looks at her, like she set the sun in the sky for him. I wish someone would look at me like that-Karkat, specifically, but I suppose that's not going to happen.
Button will always love me, I suppose. And Linny, of course.
16 March 1639
Kurloz was over for dinner tonight. I suppose he isn't so bad, really. He was kind to me and he listened to me when I talked about my project to figure out when the plants and animals come out throughout the year. I think he's trying harder to be kind to me, since he knows how much Meulin and I care about each other.
I'm a bit torn. I'm glad she won't be getting married until I'm eighteen, but I do wish she wouldn't treat me like a child.
20 March 1639
I sold my needlepoints and such in the village today, and bought more yeast and milk, and worked to begin the gardens again. Linny and I have been working in the garden together and it's nice. I like working with her. It makes me feel…safe, I suppose. My sister and I are growing our food together, and we're going to be okay. We're not going to be hungry and we're not going to be separated again, not until we want to. And we'll never be separated against our will, not ever again.
22 March 1639
Feferi and Eridan and Gamzee were in the village today. Luckily the boys went off to do whatever it is boys do when they feel like being dumb, so it was Aradia and Kanaya and Feferi and I sitting on the fountain and talking.
"Sollux is awfully cute, isn't he?" Feferi said.
"I sure think so," Aradia said.
Feferi looked at her, questioning.
"We're seeing each other," Aradia said.
"Oh! I'm sorry. Not to impose," Feferi said, going pink. "Sorry."
"No harm done," Aradia said with a little laugh. "I do think he's cute."
"Not as cute as Karkat," I said.
"You would say that," Aradia teased.
"Men," Kanaya said dismissively. "They're not worth it."
"Then who do you have eyes for?" Feferi teased.
Kanaya went pink and I answered for her, "Rosalind-Rose. She's new."
"A woman?" Feferi asked.
Kanaya only went redder.
"Tell me everything! Feferi said.
We did, and she was so excited with us! Kanaya promised to bring Rose to meet us, and the other new people to the village. I'm very excited.
26 March 1639
I went to sell my things in the market today and then Kanaya finally brought her lovely lady and friends to meet us! There's two boys and two girls-John and David (Dave) and Jade and Rose, of course. I've never met someone who goes by Dave before, but then, most of my friends and I have odd names, so I suppose it's all the same. I like Jade! She's kind and cheerful and she likes animals like me. She also likes science and she can read some, so we talked about the biology we know. She also wishes she could go to university, and she is very smart.
I'm glad we got to meet these new friends! They seem like lovely people. Rose is very brassy and sarcastic, but I can tell she's a good person underneath. Her cousin Dave is the same, brash and a bit obnoxious but not a bad person underneath it all. And John is sweet, a bit awkward but kind underneath it all. They're good people.
I'm lucky, I think, to have such good friends. They're wonderful. No matter what, I have the people around me, and they're the best people I could hope for.
30 March 1639
I think I'm going to be alright. I saw Karkat today and I didn't have the urge to run away screaming, which is nice. It…it still hurts. But Linny's right. There's nothing wrong with me. And I'm going to be alright.
Like our mama would say: onwards, then.