1 April 1639

The planting is fine for us but Sollux said it isn't going as well for the farmers. His family's having some trouble, and Aradia and Tavros said the animals also seem a bit off. I think it's the cold. It's been awfully cold. Sollux said the ground's been frozen longer and the crops take too long to sprout.

Meulin and I have been changing to food that doesn't need as long to grow, but not everyone can do that. It's different having a farm and having a garden. I'm worried about my friends' families. I don't know what we'll do if it gets colder.

4 April 1639

Meulin's fretting about influenza, since it's been getting worse lately. She's always got a lot to do in the village, between people getting sick and people getting pregnant, so whenever people get more sick she gets nervous.

When she's gone I mix up the medicines. I couldn't do the work she does, for a lot of reasons, but I like mixing everything up. I follow our mama's and her mama's recipe book and make anything that we don't have much of. I always make the pain medicine in the blue jar and a few others too. Meulin appreciates it. It means she has more time to work with people, so she can treat more people and spend more time on them.

I like being able to help people, however I can.

7 April 1639

Maude from the village came to our house today looking for Meulin and I felt terrible telling her that it was just me. But all she needed was some medicine that we always have so I gave it to her and sent her on her way. She'll pay us back in the end. People always do.

10 April 1639

I asked Meulin again today when she'll teach me to hunt and why she won't get married yet, and she said, like always, it's because I'm not old enough. She just won't budge! You'd think I was nine instead of fifteen. Well, she said when I'm sixteen she'd teach me to hunt and that's just a few months away. And I'm very good with the bow and arrows! I've tried to teach my friends but none of them seem to get it. Equius surely doesn't. He has his own bow now so he won't accidentally break mine, and he's almost broken it more times than I care to count. I love him, I really do. He just can't seem to nock an arrow with any delicacy, or pull back the string without almost shattering the bow.

I suppose we all have our skills. I'm not half as strong as he is and I suspect I never will be.

14 April 1639

I wish I knew more about our mama. I asked Meulin today but she doesn't know more than I do. I miss her so much. We didn't have parents before her, Linny and me. A pair of people conceived us and one gave birth to us, but we didn't have parents who took care of us like parents are supposed to before our mama.

I just wish I'd asked her more when she was here. She had so many stories, and I know there were more that she never told us. She had a long and interesting life and I wish I'd thought to ask before she got sick.

I've thought about bringing her some food, to her grave. I know she's with God and doesn't need food but the idea of my mama being hungry makes me feel sick to my stomach.

17 April 1639

Equius's father is a little bit sick again. It's rarely serious, just a little cough, but it's still a little scary. His father's been sickly for a while, and Equius worries, but I know Mr. Zahhak will be alright. I can feel it.

I always tell Equius so. I remind him that everything is going to be okay and his father is going to be fine, and no matter what I'm going to be his best friend and he'll be mine. He's family as much as Meulin is, almost.

He definitely felt better when he went home. I know he has trouble talking about his feelings so I'm glad I can help him. I tell him he can feel sad or nervous or scared, and he reminds me that I'm never going to be hungry again. It's alright.

20 April 1639

The flowers are starting to put out little green buds, poking out to test the air for spring. Meulin and I have been tending to Mama's garden and I've been working at mine, and it looks like the plants are going to be alright despite the late thaw. Our carrots are growing nicely, and the cucumbers are also looking good. The beetroot should be sprouting soon too. I like beetroot. It's delicious boiled with a little bit of salt.

I'm in charge of making stew this week since two women are due to give birth soon so Meulin's very busy. I get to make it without celery.

23 April 1639

Meulin's going to go treat Equius's father in a few days, after she finishes checking up on Mrs. Bennett who had her baby yesterday. I know she'll do a great job-she always does.

My friends and I went into the woods today and explored out to the river. There's an old rope bridge there my mother says she and her friends built when they were young and we think we're going to try to fix it up so we can explore on the other side of the river. Tavros is nervous about it, because he's nervous about everything, but I know we'll be fine. We're good at things and all we have to do is fix the old bridge, not build a new one!

26 April 1639

Linny told me when she went to treat Mr. Zahhak he thought she was Mama and now she knows he killed our mama's love and maybe lied to our mama about her best friend and that Mama's maiden name is our last name.

"How is that even possible, Kitty? How can we be related? Her father was a trader."

"I don't know."

"And how could they be friends if Mr. Zahhak killed Mama's love? I'd never forgive someone who hurt Kurloz. What did he lie about, with Simonn? I mean, we don't know much about him, but he must be dead now. I don't know…"

"There's a lot we don't know," I said.

"It's so confusing, Kitty. I don't even know if I can ask him. He's not well. I don't know."

"You can ask him," I said. "I know he'll tell you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said. "I'm sure he would." I can't say why. I just am.

"Maybe," she says. "I don't know. I just wish we knew our mama better."

"Me too," I say. "I miss her."

Linny nodded, and we had tea together.

30 April 1639

I know my sister will get married someday and I wish she wouldn't act like I'm still a child who needs a parent, but I am a little scared. I…I'm not sure what I'll do when she's gone. She'll be keeping her own house and I'll have to keep mine alone. I hope I can keep our mama's house by myself. I want to make sure it's lovely and clean and welcoming, like it was when our mama was alive. I want people to feel welcome in my home. I can't treat anyone's illness like Linny can, but I can feed people who are hungry and I can be a friend when someone needs it.

At least, I hope I can. I hope I'm good at hunting and that I'll be alright on my own when Meulin gets married. I really, really hope so.

2 May 1639

Meulin's getting her fiancé to ask his father about our mother, which is a very complicated way of saying that Kurloz is going to find out for us what happened to our mama. I hope she tells me what he tells her. I don't want her to try to protect me so much that I never know who our mama was. I know she wasn't perfect. No one is. Meulin doesn't think I know that.

I'll tell her I do, and I'll tell her not to worry too much. I know our mama wasn't perfect but she loved us and I love her, and we're going to be alright.

5 May 1639

My friends and I worked on the bridge today. The river's high right now with snowmelt, and I'd say it's too late for snowmelt but it's happening later every year. Anyways, we went out to the bridge and I balanced really carefully on the old ropes and strung the new ones across. They tied a rope around my waist and Equius held it in case something broke, and Aradia and Tavros braided the ropes and handed them out to me, and Terezi tied the knots. And also some nooses.

Terezi is hilarious, even if she can be a bit morbid. She's very good at tying knots-she learned it from a book.

I didn't fall in the river. Equius was very nervous that I would, but I'm the smallest and the best at climbing so I was always going to be the one to be on the bridge before it's fixed.

Vriska's going to come tomorrow, too. She makes me nervous. I don't think she'd cut the ropes while I'm over the river, but I don't doubt she'd shake the bridge and make me think she was.

8 May 1639

Meulin told me that Kurloz told her that his father told him that our mama was a rebel, and she wanted to make some changes that Kurloz's father didn't like, the changes she told us about. And then she told me that our mama's family was arrested and held and executed, and that Mr. Zahhak did kill our mama's love.

She tried to change things, our mama. She wanted to make the world better and she suffered for it. I can hardly understand why she would forgive Mr. Zahhak, but she trusted him with us and our safety, so I know he must be a decent man. I know she wouldn't tell us to trust him unless she trusted him absolutely. She protected us; she'd never put us in danger.

Anyways, I trust Equius. He'd never hurt me.

10 May 1639

I wish Meulin would spend a little more time with me. She'll have her whole life with Kurloz. It'd be nice if she'd spend some more time with me and it'd be nice if I didn't feel a little bit like a second thought to her.

Well, I have my own friends. I'm fine.

13 May 1639

I've thought about asking Equius to ask his father about my mama, but I'm not sure it'd be a good idea. I don't want him to think I don't trust him, and I don't want to upset his father too much, but I do want to know why he did what he did. He must've known what he was doing. I don't know the whole story, but he was an executioner. I can only assume he executed her love. I'm sure my mother knew, and I'm sure she decided to be friends with him despite that, but I wouldn't want Equius to misunderstand. I don't want to ruin anything. He's my best friend in the world. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't my friend.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow. We're going to have a lot of fun working on the rope bridge.

16 May 1639

The bridge is going very well! We're mostly done replacing the important ropes and we just need to fix the handrails. Now that it's sturdier Aradia and I both go out on the bridge and tie ropes to one of the big tree branches, so if we fell our friends could pull us back out. Tavros braids the ropes and Equius passes them out to us, and Aradia and I tie them on. Kanaya was outside with us today, too, doing the finer work. Kanaya has a wonderful talent for fine needlework and such, so she did the sewing and such you need to do for ropework.

Goodness knows I couldn't build a bridge alone! It's lovely to have friends. One person couldn't do this alone. I'm very glad we can all work together. I suppose that sounds a bit silly, or trite, but I love them all so much. I don't know what I'd do without them.

18 May 1639

I hope Meulin's going to be alright. She's been working herself to death and recently she's actually taken time to rest. I don't want her to get sick. I don't think I could handle it if Linny got sick now. And I do worry about her. She worries more about me, surely, but I worry about her, too. She's my sister! I watched her starve for years and years and I can't do that again.

I couldn't watch anyone starve, really. If someone came to our door hungry I could never turn them away. I hope the farms grow well and I hope Tavros's cows and Aradia's sheep make it through the cold winters. I may ask Aradia for some wool to knit people warm winter clothes, so no one has to shiver in misery this winter.

I suppose I'm like my sister and my mother this way. I can't stand to see anyone else suffer. There are worse traits to have inherited.

21 May 1639

Today we all went to Aradia's family's ranch to see the sheep. They're very friendly creatures, and they don't mind when we pet them. They don't really do much of anything, besides wander around and eat grass. It's Aradia's job to watch them a few times a week, and she says they never do much and all she has to do is poke one if it wanders too far away. But she does care about them. She and her sister both do.

Anyways, we sat on the fence at the edge of the field and watched the sheep together. Damara had to get the water today so we helped her, too, Aradia and Tavros and I. We also talked about Sollux and Tavros told us he has his heart set on someone-Vriska! I almost couldn't believe it. Vriska isn't exactly our kindest friend, and Tavros has a good heart even if he's frightened to act on it.

"Really?" I asked.

"Well, you see, she's awfully pretty," Tavros said. "And-her family is well off. She laughs at my jokes. And-and-and-she said she likes me."

"Just because she likes you doesn't mean you have to like her," I said.

"I do, though," he said, terribly earnest. "I-I know she isn't-isn't exactly, well, the kindest, but she-she makes me try hard! She-she never lets me-lets me take the easy-easy way out."

"I suppose," Aradia teased. "Well, that's terribly exciting! Are you going to tell her?"

"Maybe."

"She told you she likes you," I said. "You don't have to wonder, like Aradia and me."

"Her-her family, though. They-they-they'd never approve."

"Oh, of course," I said. I forget sometimes how much harder it is for a woman to marry below her station. I could marry anyone and Meulin would be glad I was happy. I could marry anyone and I could still feed myself and care for myself, no matter what happened to him. But for Vriska, choosing to marry a rancher would certainly jar her family. It would be a huge choice for her to make. I can't tell if she's brave or reckless. And for Tavros, marrying "up" like that might change his life some but mostly he'd have people always wondering what he did to get her. No one would ever believe it's just because they like each other.

Aradia and Sollux do have it easier that way. She's a herder, and he's a farmer. Whichever career they end up with, their families both know what to expect. Except she's Jewish, and sometimes people can be odd about that, but I think they can make it work. Sollux's family is lovely and Aradia's is too.

My goodness, before long my friends will be getting married! My sister's friends are getting married-Sollux's brother and Terezi's sister, for one. Meulin's engaged, and I think Eridan's brother and Feferi's sister are engaged (although that's more political than anything else). I hope I have someone when the time comes.

24 May 1639

Kurloz took Meulin to see a play and I must admit, I am a little bit jealous. I wish I had someone to go see plays with. Meulin would never let me go alone but she's usually too tired to go with me. I'd go with my friends but for the money, and Equius doesn't approve. His family believes in fancy entertainment like…well, like whatever it is people do in the castle. He thinks plays are "frivolous and incite immoral behavior". He can be a terrible stick-in-the-mud!

Well, maybe one of these days Aradia and Kanaya and I can go. They like plays!

28 May 1639

I had one of the nightmares last night. It was the same as always-I'm alone in my old room, a huge empty thing made of stone with nothing to keep me warm. No one's there, not even Linny, and I'm so hungry it hurts. I go around looking for food but every time I find some it turns into sand before I can take a bite, and I feel even worse then before. I finally found Linny this time, like I do sometimes, and she was thin and pale and sickly like she was then, and when I tried to hold her hand I couldn't, and then I was so hungry and so sore that I fell on the floor and closed my eyes to try to bear it and then I woke up. And then I ate the entire loaf of bread I made yesterday.

I always eat a lot after a nightmare. Linny knows it and she doesn't bother me about it. She sometimes helps me cook something substantial so I don't have to feel hungry. I'm just so scared to go back. I know I never have to but I'm scared.

31 May 1639

Kanaya escaped her family today to spend time with us in the woods and she said her aunt isn't doing to well.

"What about her own children?" I asked. "Why doesn't she stay with them?"

"Her own children don't like her any better than my father does, but they have the excuse of tight quarters in the city."

"Why doesn't you father like her?"

Kanaya shrugged. "She was not kind to one of my father's other sisters."

"How many sisters are there?" Aradia asked.

"Three. Aunt Barbara is the eldest, then Aunt Ellen, then Aunt Dolora. My father is the youngest by eight years. He tells me I remind him of my Aunt Dolora, although I've never met her."

"Is she in the city, too?" I asked.

"No, she passed away several years ago. I never met her."

"You have a lot of family," I said.

"I would say you have very little," Kanaya said. She didn't say it to be mean, just to be true.

"I guess that's true," I said. It's just me and Linny, and I suppose Button. "I don't know anyone else with as small a family as me."

"That's alright," Aradia said. "Your family's nice. You don't need anymore."

I nodded. "I miss my mama."

"I'm sorry," Aradia said.

"It's alright," I said. "I don't think I'll ever not miss her. She raised me and loved me. I can't just stop missing her. It doesn't hurt so much, though."

"That's good, at least," Aradia said.

I nodded again, and that was that. None of my friends ask too much about my mama, which is nice. I never feel like they're forcing me to talk when it hurts so much, but I know they'll listen if I need to talk. And I'll listen to them! They're my friends, and that's what friends are for.

2 June 1639

We crossed the bridge today to the far side of river today and went exploring! There's not as many paths but we did find an old one, maybe older than my sister! We followed it to a little clearing with berry bushes growing in it, but they were nightshade so we didn't eat them. There was more path beyond that, but it was getting late so we didn't follow it. I wonder if this is a path my mama made with her family years ago, or if it's even older than that. People lived in this house before my mama, before her mother-in-law, before her…aunt and uncle, I think it was, who passed away. There's an old house somewhere in the woods that must be from a hundred years ago. Now it's just a hollow stone skeleton of someone's old home. It makes me a little bit sad.

Anyways, Aradia, Tavros, Kanaya, Equius and I went out and explored and we're going to go out again next time we all have time off our chores. So, next time Aradia isn't watching the sheep, Tavros isn't with the cows, Kanaya isn't caring for her aunt or managing the house, and Equius isn't-well, off doing whatever it is he does. He's told me, but I don't understand it, really. I don't know what the nobles do all day. Either way, there are days he's too busy to come spend time with me. And me, too.

6 June 1639

I know it isn't good for me, but today in the village when I saw Karkat I could hardly help but stare. He's so handsome. I know he doesn't like me and it still hurts to think about him, but he's terribly good-looking. He's the opposite of Kurloz, small and round and soft where Kurloz is tall and thin and bony, but I suppose even sisters don't have the same tastes. I'd never want Gamzee, not in a million years. He's nice enough, though off in his own world, but I'd never like him the way I like Karkat.

I know he doesn't like me. I know. But I really, really want him too.

10 June 1639

I wasn't going to ask Equius about my mother, but Meulin told me she asked Horuss to ask Mr. Zahhak about our mama. (My goodness, this is complicated.) I really hope he knows something. How could our mama share our name? Leijon isn't a common name. No one but our blood family has it. Mr. Zahhak might know-he's one of the only people who I think knew her whole story. He acts like he knows more than he's saying. I think it's why he worries about us so much. He knows what happened to our mama and now he wants to take care of us, maybe because he feels so bad about what she went through.

I want to talk to Equius about this, because it feel sometimes like I'm going to burst from not knowing and not saying, but if I don't want him to feel bad about it. I don't know what to do.

13 June 1639

We explored out beyond the bridge today and I think we maybe have gone further than anyone in a long while. We went beyond where we could find any sort of path and just pushed our way through the brush to new parts of the forest. It was so incredible! We explored somewhere truly new, where no one else has ever been, and it was incredible. It was just Tavros and Aradia and I, because Equius and Kanaya and Terezi and Vriska were busy, and it was lovely.

Vriska and Terezi and Aradia and Tavros play this game where they dare each other to do these dangerous things. It sounds very exciting! I'd love to play but I know Equius would yell at me. Between him and Meulin and Mr. Zahhak, they'd never let me play. Aradia and Tavros today were talking about how they're going to play another round in July and they're coming up with dares for Terezi and Vriska. I told them they can't use my woods for it. I couldn't stand it if someone got hurt in my woods.

15 June 1639

Meulin went to see Mr. Zahhak today to talk to him about our mama. I suppose Meulin forgot she already told me that he killed our mama's love, but she also told me that our mama is our aunt by blood. I can't even begin to understand it. Meulin told me her mother was her adoptive mother, and our mama's real mother was a lady in the castle. She was given away because they didn't need another daughter. She had the name Leijon most of her life, then when she married she set it aside and took Vantas. So she was Vantas when we knew her.

I don't know why she wouldn't have told us. She was our mother's sister but there's no reason for her to be like our birth mother. She showed us a drawing once of her as a young person and she looks just like Linny. She's our mama. Nothing would've changed if we knew she was our aunt by blood.

I love her no matter what. She saved us and raised us and loved us, and nothing could ever change that.

And we talked some about Luke. Having an older brother would surely make it easier on Meulin when she's tired, but he might be tired instead. I don't know. I just know that it's hard, but I love my sister and I'd love my brother if I had one, and no matter what it can be fine. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my family safe.

18 June 1639

I talked with my friends today because I still like Karkat. He's terribly handsome and very kind, and he's funny when he wants to be and his smile can light up the room.

"I can't stop thinking about him."

"He's really mean," Aradia tried. "He shouts at everyone with just the tiniest provocation. I don't like men who yell."

"Me neither," I agreed. "Usually. But you can tell he's not really angry, so you don't have to be scared."

"You never know, though," Kanaya said. "Men can turn on a dime. They're kind when it suits them, and then when you do something wrong-well, your sister's the midwife."

I nodded, because she's right. Women whose husbands beat them have nowhere to turn except the midwife, and Meulin's patched up dozens of cuts and eased the pain of hundreds of bruises.

"I still don't think he'd ever hurt me, or anyone," I said. "I'd yell too if no one listened to me. And he can kind when he wants to be."

"He can also be rude," Kanaya pointed out.

"And bossy," Aradia said.

"And a bit stupid," Kanaya added.

"I didn't know you all thought so poorly of him," I said. "I guess I thought you liked him, too, like a friend."

"Oh, I didn't mean that!" Aradia said. "I thought it might help if you remembered the things that aren't so good about him."

"It doesn't," I said, feeling miserable.

"Love is tricky that way," Kanaya said.

"Can we talk about your love?" I teased. "Your Rose?"

"She's well," Kanaya said, blushing. "Your Sollux, Aradia?"

"He's also well," she said with a little grin. "Farming is hard, lately, but his family has been doing alright on Mr. Keating's land."

"My goodness, I think sometimes that everyone has someone except me," I said.

"I'm sorry," Aradia said.

"It's fine," I said. "It'll be fine."

Aradia and Kanaya nodded, and we didn't do much for the rest of the day until we all had to go home for evening chores.

20 June 1639

I love the long, warm evenings of summer. It stays lovely out for so long, and I can be out very late because Meulin just tells me to be home before it gets dark out. Equius and I went walking in the woods today and I told him about everything. I couldn't keep it in anymore.

"Equius, I need to tell you something."

"Oh?" he asked.

"You're my best friend."

"I know this, Nepeta. And you are mine."

"Well, I just want you to know, that I know, that your father killed my mama's husband. She forgave him and I'm not angry with you our your father and it's all alright."

"Oh," he said. "I am sorry."

"You don't have to be. You didn't do anything."

"It is most unfortunate," he said. "That our families would be linked by tragedy."

"It is," I agreed. "But we're best friends, and we always will be."

He nodded, and a few steps later, I said, "Also, my mama is our aunt by blood. She…she was adopted too."

He nodded at this, too.

"There's a lot I didn't know about her," I said. "I don't know. I'm glad I told you. I don't want you to not trust me because I trust you more than anyone else, except maybe my sister, and I was scared you were gonna hate me."

"Nepeta," he said, with a little smile. "I could never hate you."

I smiled at him as big as I know how and we had a nice walk. I'm glad he's not mad. I don't know what I'd do if Equius didn't want to be my friend anymore.

23 June 1639

I had a strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was standing next to my sister, and I thought at first we were looking in a mirror because the woman we were looking at looked almost identical to my sister. But I couldn't see me and so I knew it was our mama. I couldn't move but Meulin, she could, and she ran over to our mama and hugged her, telling her how grateful she was for everything she did for us.

It was nice. I don't know what it meant, but it felt warm and safe to see our mama again, even if it's only the version of her I've seen in the drawing.

26 June 1639

I sold a few of my embroidered pieces in the market today and Mrs. Jameson found me and asked if I could do a job for her! I asked her what and she said she'd like me to embroider my daisies on the hem of a skirt she has. And she'll pay me, of course! I said I would, and the money she offered makes sense considering how much I usually charge for such things. So I took her skirt home and I've been working the daisies into the hem like I do with my own clothes. I can't stop smiling! Karkat may not like me, but someone thinks I'm talented. It's nice.

29 June 1639

The growing isn't going so well. The wheat should be higher by now than it is. The growing season started so late that the plants are struggling. Sollux's family is working harder than ever, but it's hard to make plants grow when they've had a late start. Aradia's sheep and Tavros's cows aren't much happier. Even our garden isn't as green and nice as it usually is. My flowers almost seem like they're frowning at me sometimes, and I try to take care of them but sometimes it's hard. My flowers rely on me to take care of them, and I won't let them down. I'll take care of my flowers when it's cold and miserable and I'll make sure they bloom.

I hope this is just one cold year. I'm not sure what we'll do if it's not.