2 July 1639
It is lovely outside these days, if terribly warm. I went swimming by myself the other day. Meulin doesn't like it when I do, but none of my other friends know how, and she was busy. Anyways, it was hot.
I'm going to follow the creek to the end, where it starts. I think Mama said once it's a spring, and that's why the creek is always cold, even in the summer. I don't know much about springs but I'm sure there's a book in the library on them. I'd love to see one for real.
5 July 1639
I did it today. I told Meulin where I was going, and I left my boots at the clearing by the creek and followed the creek upstream, further than I've ever gone. It got a bit deep at points and I had to hold my skirts up, and the hems did get wet, but I found the end of the creek. It was a beautiful walk and the creek got colder and colder every mile I walked until I found the start. It's a tiny little spring, a pool with water bubbling up from the ground. It was so cold I had to get out of it and stand to the side, but it was beautiful. I wish I could draw, like our mama said her friend could, so I could draw a picture of the lovely little pond.
I'll take Equius there sometime. He likes to look at beautiful things, too. And my other friends, too, because we all like exploring. I love finding new places in the forest, and it's especially fun when I get to bring my friends with me. Meulin sometimes comes with me, too. I wish she would more, but she's an adult. She has responsibilities and whatnot. Sometimes I think she doesn't care much about me.
I know it's not true, but it sure does feel that way sometimes.
9 July 1639
I brought my friends with me to the pond today, and they were all delighted. It was a long walk but it was worth it to see the lovely place, especially since they can't swim to stay cool these hot summer days. It's too hot to be outside long without water. Most of my friends work outdoors and we need to keep safe. Meulin treats people every year who work outdoors and get too hot. She has them drink lots of water and stay in the shade and sometimes shed a few layers of clothing, if they're comfortable with it. I know not to let myself get too hot. I wouldn't want to have to become one of my sister's patients.
12 July 1639
My flowers are gorgeous. I've been taking care of them, weeding them and giving them water when they need it. They're so lovely, bursting into bloom like this, full of color. Winter may be pretty, but I love color.
I brought out last year's blooms and put them in the flower bed. They help the new ones grow and they can be with their family. I would never want my flowers to feel alone, the way I used to sometimes. Well, I still do, sometimes. I know I'm different. I think my friends still love me but sometimes it's hard to believe. I know Linny loves me, but she's my sister. She has to. I bet there's a rule about it.
Equius loves me. I know that for sure. He's my best friend.
14 July 1639
We crossed the bridge again today and went exploring on the far side of the river. Equius is terrified of the bridge. He blusters that it's unsafe and could fall at any moment, but it's because he's scared. People think he's rude but he's just cautious and nervous sometimes, and he thinks can't show it because he's a nobleman. He won't let me play the dare game with the others because he's scared I'll get hurt. He doesn't want to explore sometimes because he's scared we'll get lost or hurt.
It's funny how he thinks I don't know these things. People think they're very clever with not saying what they mean, but it's not hard to tell how they feel. Linny doesn't do it much but most people do. They twist their words backwards and upside down, say something practically the opposite of what they mean, but on their face you can see how they feel. It's really hard to tell which one they want you to listen to.
Talking to people is hard. That's another reason I couldn't do Meulin's job.
18 July 1639
Kanaya said my sister offered to teach her and some others to read! I'd love to have friends to read with. Sometimes Equius and I read together in the library, which is lovely, but it'd be nice if my other friends could read too. And I love to read. It's how I've learned all the things I know that someone could learn in school. There's so much I'd never have known if I couldn't read. And if I couldn't write I wouldn't have this journal, and I don't know what I'd do without my journal.
The new girls, Jade and Rose, both read. Jade love science. I want to talk to her more, because I love science too. She seems like fun. I think I'll like her.
21 July 1639
I talked with Jade today and she was so excited to see the library, so I brought her home and she loved it! We talked about books and science together and it was incredible. I like her a lot. Jade is nice and fun to talk to, and she and I are both interested in biology. She said her grandfather wants her to study more, even though it's hard, and we talked about university, too. We both want to go to university, and we both know we never will. Our mama told me she went to the university once, dressed as a boy, and she went in to the most beautiful library she'd ever seen. I've seen the drawings. It was wonderful.
Jade's nice. I like her. I think we'll be friends.
24 July 1639
I invited Jade to the woods with me today. I showed her around the clearing by the creek, and the place by the river, and the way up the creek, and where the old bridge was and the new bridge is.
"It's wonderful," she said.
"I know," I said. "I love it here."
"Can I come here?" Jade asked.
"It's not ours," I said. "You don't have to ask me. Just the house and the gardens are ours. You can come to the woods any time."
"Really?" she asked with a big, happy grin. She makes the most interesting faces. She's very easy to read that way.
"Of course," I said. "And you're my friend, so I wouldn't be upset if you came to see the house and the gardens."
"You're my friend, too," she said. "You can come to my home, too, if you like. We're east of the village. My grandfather insists we leave the land as is and don't farm it more than it has been, so your land's easy to spot."
"Thanks!" I said. "I'd like that."
"I have to go home now. I have to cook dinner, since my grandfather's worried I'll never learn," she said.
"I have to work in the garden," I said. "I'll see you soon."
"You too."
I like Jade a lot. I'm glad she's moved to our village.
28 July 1639
Equius and I went walking today, and I tried to persuade him to go swimming, and he still won't go. He says it's sinful, and gets all bent out of shape when I do. He's worried one of these days I'll get in serious trouble of some sort. He tries his best to keep me safe, and I appreciate it, but I'm not going to break. I starved for the first seven years of my life. I'm not going to break.
1 August 1639
I'm very excited! Linny's and my birthdays are coming up. I don't know what I'm going to get her, but she's going to be twenty. She's going to be getting married soon. She insists she'll wait until I'm eighteen, but I don't need her to. Sixteen is plenty old, in my opinion. I'd be fine if she left now but she won't. Says she wasn't ready when our mama passed away.
Sixteen! I'm excited about everything except getting my bleeding. I know I will soon and I really wish I didn't have to. Meulin has hers and it's no fun, she says. It doesn't hurt, exactly, but it is such a hassle. I suppose it's part of becoming a proper adult, which I'm in the process of doing. My breasts are already growing, and while I'm not particularly happy about them, I don't really hate them. It's just a new part of me.
Aradia and Kanaya are getting theirs, too. Aradia's annoyed, but Kanaya's quite fond of hers. She very much wants to have children someday, so I suppose growing into her adult body is a great comfort for her. I don't know if she wants to have children with Rose, because I don't think that's possible, but I know she'll figure it out. She's very smart. I hope she can learn to read and write.
5 August 1639
Today I turned sixteen! I feel terribly grown up, because Linny is going to teach me to hunt. She gave me the most beautiful bow and arrows, all my own, for shooting with. I know they were expensive, and she could've bought them for herself but she gave them to me. They're going to be my bow and arrows. I'm going to be the best at them.
My friends came to have dinner with me. I made a basic kind of stew and bread, nothing fancy, but Equius and Aradia and Kanaya and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska came, and we all had dinner and laughed together. It was lovely. I love my friends.
8 August 1639
I practiced shooting with my new bow and arrows, and my aim isn't as good as it is with the small bow, but it's not half as bad as when I started. I'm thinking of giving Equius my old small bow and arrows, but then I wouldn't have it for when Meulin and I teach our daughters to hunt. Or our sons, I suppose. I want to teach my daughter everything Mama and Meulin taught me, so they can teach their daughters. My sons have everyone else to teach them things. I'll teach them what I know, but my daughters won't have anyone but me to teach them. I won't let them go without.
11 August 1639
I don't know what I'm going to get Linny for her birthday. She doesn't want anything, except to get married soon, and I can't make myself older or make her understand that I'm going to be fine when she leaves. I know I will be. It's just that she doesn't.
I practiced shooting again today with Equius. He's not allowed to use my new bow because I'm worried he might break it. He can get his own if he really wants to; his family has money.
I don't mean to sound resentful of him. I'm not. But it's my bow and it was a gift from my sister and I don't want to let anything happen to it.
14 August 1639
Some of my friends are learning to read with Meulin and it's fun to see them learn how to turn scribbles on a page into words and meaning. I love words. I love how you can use words to make up a story and it isn't real but it's real in your head. I like to make stories with Equius and my other friends. Someday I'll write them down, but for now they aren't done yet. I can't write down a story now when it's still changing.
I like making up stories. I'm like Mama that way.
15 August 1639
Meulin turned twenty today. Kurloz gave her a lovely little necklace, and I gave her a romance novel. Linny's always liked love stories. She loves her Kurloz and she loves other people being in love. She smiled with all the fondness she always has for me and told me thank you, and I saw her reading it later. I'm glad I can make her happy on her birthday.
17 August 1639
Aradia came to the woods today and while we were walking to the woods she mentioned her sister was missing.
"Damara's missing?"
Aradia nodded. "I don't know where she is. I haven't seen her in two days. I'm-I'm kind of scared."
"Didn't she say where she was going?" I asked.
"No," Aradia said. "I don't know where she is. I woke up one morning and she was gone. I have-I have no idea where she could be."
"And she didn't say she was going to leave?"
"No!" Aradia said. "No, she didn't. She just left!"
"Can we look for her?"
"I've tried. She's-she's not anywhere I can find."
"Let's search the woods."
"She won't be in the woods."
"She could be hiding."
"I don't think so," Aradia said.
"But you never know."
"I just don't think so," Aradia repeated. "Can we go home?"
I nodded and walked her home. I don't know where Damara could be, but if my sister went missing I would turn the world upside down to find her. I'm going to search the woods for Damara. They're my woods. I'll be able to find anyone in my woods.
19 August 1639
I've been spending all my free time looking for Damara in the woods, but I can't seem to find even a footprint or broken branch out of place. It seems there's no one in the woods but me.
But I haven't looked everywhere yet. There's more to see. I have to cross the river, and go further down the creek. There's more places to look for Aradia's sister.
22 August 1639
I haven't found anything. Today I didn't look, because today is our mama's birthday. Linny and I went to her grave in the woods and sat with her a while. Linny talked to her, like she does, but I just sat. I know she can't hear me. She's gone. Her ears don't work anymore. I think Linny knows too, but she still talks.
I sat and thought about Mama, about her garden and her helping me with my garden and about Button and about cooking together and reading together and about Christmas. It's warm out, but Christmas was when our mama was the happiest. I know she's in Heaven and she's happy there, but it's hard to be here without her.
I miss our mama. I brought some of the forget-me-nots home to remember her with. I put them in a cup of water in my room. I know they won't live long, but it's nice to have them nonetheless.
24 August 1639
I can't find Damara anywhere in the woods. I told Aradia and she said she didn't know what else to do. She's very upset. Sollux has tried to be there for her, but he's also busy. His family needs him to work. I don't know what to do for her. I want to help, but I don't know where her sister is. I don't know where she could be.
Damara is quiet and likes to be on her own. I don't know why she would've run away.
27 August 1639
I talked with Equius today about Damara.
"No one knows where she is. Not even her mother and father."
"Where could she have gone?"
"We have no idea. I've looked for her in the whole woods. I was going to look again but I'm not sure where. Meulin told me she's looking in the village and the city. But I don't know if that'll do any good."
"Why not?"
"I don't know why she'd go there. What's for her in the city?"
"Perhaps relatives?"
"None of Aradia's family is from the city. I don't know. I'm just worried about her, and Aradia, and the rest of her family. I can't imagine how frightened I'd be in Meulin went missing."
Equius nodded. "It would be…it would be awful if Horuss went missing."
We walked in quiet for a long time after that. I know he misses his mother, like I miss mine. Losing anyone else would hurt more than I think either of us can imagine.
29 August 1639
Aradia and I spoke again today about her sister and she mentioned her missing aunt. Her mother's sister went missing ages ago, and Damara was always curious about her. None of them know where she went. Aradia said her name was Hannah and she just…vanished, one day. Her mother doesn't talk about it much, but they all know about it. Aradia thought maybe Damara went looking for her aunt, but since they have no idea where she might be, no one's sure.
Aradia also misses her aunt, but she said she's never heard Damara talk about it until recently. I don't know what's happening. I'm worried there's some big family secret, like with our mama being our birth aunt. I'm just so worried.
1 September 1639
Aradia and Tavros and Equius came by today and this time I thought it might be a good idea to do something fun to distract Aradia, so we went out to the woods to play hide-and-seek. I know it's a children's game, but it's fun to explore the woods and find my friends! I don't see why getting older means you get to have less fun. Linny sometimes tries to be too serious, and I think she'd be happier if she played more.
I try to get he to play, and sometimes she will, but not always.
3 September 1639
We all went out into the woods again today, but Aradia didn't want to do anything. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said "Nothing."
"We can just walk."
"I don't want to do anything."
"We can sit in the clearing."
"I don't care."
"I could show you how to shoot."
"Nepeta. I don't care."
I didn't know what to do, so I left her in the clearing with the big pine tree and went with the others to explore across the river. I don't know what's wrong with her. I'm frightened.
6 September 1639
I went to see Aradia at her house with Kanaya today, but she didn't seem to want to see us. We went in to see her and she just shrugged at everything we said. When we were walking home, Kanaya said, "It's almost as if she were ill."
"I could ask my sister about it. Our mama used to treat people whose minds were unwell."
"I think that would be wise," Kanaya said. "I wish I knew how to help."
I nodded. "I don't know how to fix it, except get Damara back, and I don't know where she is."
"I think it's more than that," she said.
"What else could it be?" I asked.
"I think there's…there's something she isn't telling us. Damara wouldn't just…leave, like that. It isn't like her."
"It might have something to do with her aunt, the one who vanished all those years ago."
"It might just," Kanaya said, sounding thoughtful. "Hm."
"What are you thinking about?" I asked.
"I'm wondering about something Sollux mentioned a long time ago, about an uncle of his who went missing."
"I don't see why that matters," I said.
"I'm not sure. It's just interesting," Kanaya mused.
"Fair enough," I said.
I don't know what's wrong. I wish I did.
8 September 1639
Damara came back today! She hasn't told anyone where she was. She just came back and started hitting Rufioh and Horuss. I suppose that makes sense. They're the ones who hurt her. But she won't tell anyone where she went. I went to see Aradia and Mrs. Megido and they said she won't talk to them, either.
"Is she alright?" I asked.
"I don't know," Aradia said.
"And she won't talk to you?"
She shrugged. "She won't talk to anyone."
"I'm sorry."
She shrugged again.
"Did she find your missing aunt?" I asked.
"I don't know. She won't talk to me," Aradia said.
"I hope she gets better soon," I said, as sincerely as I could.
"Thanks," she said.
I left, since there wasn't much else I could do. Linny and I are going to bring them dinner some night, so they don't have to cook when everything's so stressful. I hope now that Damara's back Aradia's going to be back to normal. Maybe she was so frightened that she had to pretend like she wasn't, like Linny and I did when we were small. We'd be so frightened and hungry that we'd have to pretend things were better.
I miss our mama. She made things safe for us. I was never frightened of her.
11 September 1639
Aradia isn't doing any better. I invited her out to the woods with Tavros and Equius and Kanaya and Terezi, but she didn't want to come. I told her she could bring Sollux and she slammed the door in my face. I don't know what I did. I hope she's alright.
13 September 1639
Tavros told me today that Aradia and Sollux had a big fight. While Damara was missing and Aradia was frightened for her, Sollux told her to stop worrying because she was being a baby about it, and at least her sister was missing and not dead. I don't think he could've said anything worse. Aradia told Tavros, who wasn't sure what to do but tell her sorry, and he told me because I asked if he knew why she got so mad when I mentioned Sollux.
Apparently Sollux has been listening to Vriska too much, because that's what she said when Aradia was hiding and Vriska and I were seeking not too long ago. I'm mad at the both of them. That's not what you say to someone whose sister is missing! Vriska has a sister, she should know better. I suppose it would be similar with a brother, but I don't know. I don't have a brother. Either way, I can't believe how awful that was for Sollux to say. I won't invite him to the woods anytime soon.
16 September 1639
Meulin told me today that Damara went and attacked Meenah, which also makes sense. It's incredibly dangerous, though. Meenah's going to be queen someday. Damara must be furious to do something so dangerous.
Meulin's going to try to talk to her with some friends. I hope it helps. Aradia's family has been through entirely too much.
I wonder who Aradia could be with now. Sollux is no good unless he apologizes. I want her to be happy, and I think she wants to be in love. Maybe it'd help her to have someone. Meulin's certainly happier when Kurloz is around. I want to help.
19 September 1639
I'm shaking very badly, because Linny came back from Damara's home with a cut on her arm as long as my hand. It was on her right arm so she told me she needed me to stitch it.
"It's just like sewing any other seam, Kitty. Here's my needle and thread. Just go slowly and you won't hurt me," she said.
"But what if I do?" I asked.
"It'd be much worse for the cut to be left open," she said. "I know you can do this, Kitty. I wouldn't ask if I didn't need you to."
I gulped and nodded and very, very carefully sewed her up. I know it hurt even though she said it didn't. I needed stitches once a few years ago when I fell out of a tree and it hurts a lot. I did my best, and I think it was enough. I put on the usual medicines she uses for cuts and then wrapped it with bandages, and she said she'll be alright and not to worry. But I am worried. Damara's already almost killed three people. I won't let her hurt Linny, too.
21 September 1639
Equius and I went out to the clearing by the creek today and sat together and talked some, because it feels like everything is falling apart and I'm scared.
"I'm scared everyone's going to stop being friends," I said. "Everything feels like it's coming apart."
He nodded. "I do not think it will continue this way."
"I hope not."
"I do not believe anyone else will suffer. I am certain that this is over."
"How can you know that?" I asked.
He sighed. "I do not."
"Then why are you saying it?"
"I do not want to see you in pain."
I sniffled and tried not to cry but I was crying a little. No matter what happens, Equius is my best friend and nothing can change that. It's going to be alright.
24 September 1639
Terezi told me she and the others are playing their game tomorrow about the dares. I'm nervous for them. No one's gotten hurt before, but they do dangerous things. One time they climbed a tree higher and higher and whoever got the highest won, except they went higher than is safe. There are branches too thin to hold a person's weight. I'm worried about them.
25 September 1639
The worst happened. Aradia came by today and left Tavros on our doorstep. I asked her what happened and she said, "He fell."
"How?"
"It doesn't matter," she said, and she left.
So I brought Tavros inside and asked him what happened.
"She pushed me," he said.
"Aradia?" I asked.
"No," he said. "Vriska."
"Vriska? What did she do?" I asked, but Tavros had fainted clear away. I went and found Meulin and when she asked what happened, I lied and said I didn't know. I love my sister but she'd be furious and I think she'd do something very unwise. I don't want her doing anything until I know the whole story. I'll talk to Tavros about it later.
She splinted his legs and we carried him home. I don't think there's anything for him but time. I'll stop by and see him as often as I can. I hope he's going to be alright.
27 September 1639
I went to see Tavros today and he told me what happened.
"We were…we were out-outside, in-in the woods, by the river. We-we-we were on the bridge and-and, um…we were trying to see-to see-see who could stand on the bridge the longest-the longest while the other-the others-the other two were shaking it. Vriska-Vriska and I, we were-we were on the bridge. Aradia and, and, and Terezi were rocking it. We weren't-weren't supposed to touch-to touch. But Aradia wasn't-she wasn't paying attention. She didn't notice when-when Vriska-Vriska pushed me. And I fell."
"Oh, oh no," I said. "Oh no…"
"Terezi and Aradia-they-they pulled me out-out of the river. And to you."
"I'm so sorry."
"I-I don't think she-she meant to," he said.
"How can you say that? She broke your legs."
"She just-just wanted to win."
"That's not fair," I said. "It's not."
"I won't-won't be able to play-not anymore."
"So what? I don't play."
"But I-I want to."
"Well, I'll play with you. You're always welcome in the woods."
"I suppose," he said, nodding.
"I have to go," I told him. "My sister will come by soon to check your bandages and put on more medicine. She'll make sure you're alright."
He nodded and I left, and Linny asked me again, but I won't tell her. I'll fix it on my own.
29 September 1639
I saw Vriska today and I asked her what on Earth she was thinking.
"It's part of the game," she said.
"How? You could've killed him!"
"It's a dangerous game. He knows that. If he didn't want to get hurt, he shouldn't have played."
"That's cruel."
"That's the way of the world."
"Don't hurt him again," I said, trying to be scary.
She laughed. "What are you going to do? You're tiny. You wouldn't hurt a fly."
"You hurt my friend. I'm not going to let you get away with it."
"Yeah, yeah. Run along home, kid."
"I'm your age!"
"You act like a kid, kid."
"Leave me alone! You're just mean."
"I'm a grownup. You're a baby."
"I-I'm going! Leave me alone. And don't hurt anyone else!"
She laughed, but I had to leave. I didn't know what else to do. I don't know why she has to be so mean. She thinks she's grown up but she's just mean! She's not at all like any of the other adults I know. She just thinks she is.