1 January 1640
We stayed home today, Linny and me, and read books and knitted and such and it was so nice. It was good to relax and have a nice, calm day. I'm excited to see my friends tomorrow! We're going to have such fun. It's going to be lovely. I'm excited to see what the new year holds. I'm going to be a good hunter, and I'm going to put more down in my project, and things are going to be good.
I had a nice day. I wish they days could all be so calm.
3 January 1640
I thought I didn't like Karkat anymore, but today we were all in the village and I saw him holding hands with Terezi and it hurt a lot, much more than I thought it would. He looked so happy. He never looks that happy. He smiled more than I've ever seen him before and it…it hurts. I know I'm different and that's probably not why but it sure feels like it. He told me he didn't like me and now he has a prettier, richer, more normal girl. Of course he does.
He looked very happy. I shouldn't be upset.
5 January 1640
Equius and I spent time together at my home today, and I told him about Karkat and Terezi.
"I know she's better than me," I said, and I was going to say more, but Equius interrupted me.
"She is not," he said.
"What do you mean?" I asked
"Terezi is not better than you," he said confidently.
"She's prettier, from a better family, smarter, and more-more normal," I said
"None of those things are true," he said.
"She's more normal for sure," I said.
"No one is normal," he said, with a seriousness I've never heard from him before. "You are not normal. Neither am I. That hardly matters. You are my best friend, and I love you. Kakrat does not know what he is missing." He sounded so authoritative.
"You-you don't want to be-be with me, do you?" I asked, suddenly really nervous.
He looked shocked. "Oh, no. You are my friend. I do not feel that way about you."
"Oh, good," I said. "You're my best friend, too."
He smiled and we read for a while. It's nice to know he doesn't think Terezi's better than me. She's my friend and I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it.
7 January 1640
Linny asked me today if she treats me like a child. She does, a little, sometimes, but it only bothers me a little. She doesn't think I'm dumb or broken like some people, and she is trying to raise me. She's not our mama, but she feels like she has to raise me. I don't really need raising-I'm sixteen. I'm pretty much done. I know how to shoot and how to hunt and how to make bread and all that. I'm not really an adult, but I will be fine on my own. Meulin will be happy when she gets married. I'm happy for her.
I'm excited to be an aunt and have little nieces and nephews. It's going to be such fun. I'm definitely not old enough to raise my own children, but I'd love to play with Meulin's.
9 January 1640
Kanaya is working up her courage to talk with Rose properly. I know I shouldn't be jealous, because they can't get married and have babies like others can, but at least they like each other. They can be happy together.
I'm tired. It's cold. I miss Mama.
11 January 1640
The grief comes at the oddest times. Sometimes I think I'm going to be alright, and I don't miss our mama anymore, but then sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I don't know how to keep living without her. Our mama wasn't perfect. She was sad and hurting inside, and I know it was hard for her to raise us. Sometimes she couldn't be there for us when we needed her. Sometimes she sat with us but she wasn't really there. But she loved us, and she took care of us, when no one else did.
I miss Mama. I know I'm going to be alright on my own, but I wish she was here with us. I wish my family was all together. Meulin's going to get married and Mama's gone, and it's just going to be me and Button in the house. I hope I don't get lonely.
14 January 1640
I'm very good at hunting these days. I shot all the meat we needed for dinner yesterday. Now we'll have stew for a few days, all because of what I did! I like hunting. In the winter it's harder because you have to sit more still and be more careful, but I'm good at it. Linny's much too bouncy for it, but then, Linny's always liked different things than me. We're sisters, not identical.
I will miss her.
16 January 1640
Karkat and Terezi were together again today and I saw him give her a kiss on the cheek. I know I should be happy for them, and I'm trying, but it's not working very well. I'm also trying to be happy for Kanaya and Rose, who I saw holding hands in the market today. I know lots of my friends aren't happy with someone else-Sollux, for certain, still misses Aradia-but it still feels like I'm the only one by myself.
18 January 1640
Rose came today to explore the woods with us. There's snow over everything and it's really lovely. So Equius and Tavros and Kanaya and Rose came over to me and went to walk out to the river. It was frozen enough to skate on, so we did, and it was such fun! I really do like Rose. I've only met her a few times, but she's great. Kanaya's nice, but she can be a bit quiet. Rose is not shy at all. She was on the ice hardly after I was, and she's never been before.
I like her. She's good for Kanaya, I think.
20 January 1640
Jade came with us too, today. So it was Equius and Tavros and Jade and me. Tavros is slower than he used to be, these days, but his legs are getting back to normal slowly. Meulin's not sure he'll ever walk normally again, but at least he can walk. I don't understand why he likes Vriska. She's not kind to him. I don't understand why you'd want to be with someone who wasn't kind to you.
I know Karkat doesn't always act kind, but he is deep down. I wouldn't like him if he wasn't kind.
22 January 1640
It's really beautiful right now. I love the way the snow looks on the tree branches. I like to go for walks by myself when it's snowy, because it's soft and quiet and I want to stay out forever. It's just beautiful.
Linny doesn't like hunting in the winter. It's too cold for her and she says it makes her hands hurt. She forgets to put on hand salve in the winter, so I suppose the cold makes her skin crack and peel while mine doesn't as much. I also remember my gloves when I go out. They're good leather and I can hunt and climb when I'm wearing them, so I prefer them anyways. It's just nicer.
Anyways, we've got dinner for the next few nights, so I get to go walking. It's nice to be alone sometimes. I don't have to think about how to act right when I'm by myself.
24 January 1640
I took my friends into the woods, but this time Jade noticed the path to the graveyard and asked where that trail left. It's more obvious now because it hasn't snowed in a few days and I went to visit Mama when I last went walking.
"We can't go that way," I said.
"Why not?"
"It's private."
"It's part of the woods! Who could own it?"
"I don't know who owns it. What does that have to do with anything? It's private, and we're not going that way."
"Please?" Jade asked.
"No," I said. "We're not going there. Come on."
I saw her looking down the path and I hope she doesn't try to go on her own. She could get lost and it's mine and Linny's. It's for family. Our mama went there to mourn her family and we go there now to mourn her. It's not for friends. I doubt it ever was.
26 January 1640
It was bitter cold outside today and windy. The snow felt like tiny needles poking at my bare skin. Linny and I mostly stayed inside, doing things like mending and knitting-things we don't have time for in the summer so we get done in the winter. The year cycles like this: we plant, we grow, we harvest, we preserve, and then we fix all the things we wore out during the year. And then we plant again.
It's nice. I like it. I like that the years are basically the same, because it means I can focus on the things that change and the basic things are known.
Anyways, I'm good at knitting. I'm practicing cabling now on a new scarf. We have one proper cabling needle with a dip in it, but Linny's not much for fancy patterns so I get to use it most of the time.
29 January 1640
A couple of my friends are sick right now-Jade and Kanaya, specifically. It's the time of year for it. Goodness knows people can get sick any time of year, and hurt any time of year, but it seems people tend to get sick more in the winter. When Meulin's out doing her work, I keep the house in shape and fix things up.
She's been out of the house lately, taking care of people with their colds and fevers. So I've been mixing the medicines, making bread, mending our skirts, all that. I don't mind. It's good to have something to do with my hands when I'm alone. I sit with the fire and make things. I do enjoy making things. It's nice to have made something in the world. Even when everything feels like it's falling apart, I know I can make things.
31 January 1640
Apparently everyone's getting smallpox. Linny's trying to keep me out of the village, which is absurd, because I remember getting smallpox. It was miserable. I suppose she can't help but worry.
I help her with the laundry, anyways. When the boils burst, it's pretty awful, and sheets and clothes tend to become quite disgusting. I hate cleaning those things-I swear I can feel my skin crawling-but I can if I have to. I just need to wash my hands myself afterwards. A few times.
My friends don't have smallpox, thank goodness. Just a sniffle like people get in the winter.
2 February 1640
Meulin's been awfully busy, so I've been taking care of the hunting and the cooking. I'm also getting things ready for planting. The ground is still frozen, of course, but I'm getting the seeds out and figuring the best time to plant each one. Different plants grow best at different times, and it's important to know which is which.
Anyways, I'm perfectly capable of keeping house on my own. In fact, I'd say I'm quite good at it.
4 February 1640
My friends and I went walking again today, pushing through the snow to the river. It's still cold enough to skate on, although I doubt it will be for much longer. It stays frozen for a long time, but it has to be thick enough for us to skate on. If the ice is too thin, we could fall through, and with the river rushing underneath it could be fatal. So we're careful when we skate.
6 February 1640
Meulin's very busy. My friends are safe, but Kanaya's worried about her aunt and I know the little ones in the village need to be careful. Smallpox is hard on the village. It comes around every few years, and every time it's hard. But Meulin's good at what she does, and we're going to be alright.
Anyways, we have plenty enough.
8 February 1640
Kurloz came by today while Meulin was in the village. He asked where she was, which i thought was odd, but told him she was in the village. He asked when she'd be back, and I said probably late night, because she's treating everyone in the village. He asked why she doesn't get help, and I said she knows how to do it all and she's had smallpox already so she can't get it again, like me.
He seemed a bit confused, so I told him everyone's ill and he'd best go back home before he caught it. I'm not sure if he's had smallpox, but it's better to be safe than sorry with this sort of thing. And he left.
I told Meulin he came by, and she was sad she missed him, but she is busy. She'll see him when this is over.
11 February 1640
Terezi came into the woods with us today and that would be fine because I like her, but she brought Karkat too. While we were walking and exploring, they were holding hands the entire time. And he kept looking at her with big lovey-dovey eyes like how Kurloz looks at my sister. I don't want to not let him come with us into the woods, but they're my woods and I don't want to have to see them being happy together every day.
That sounds terrible, I know it does. But it does hurt.
13 February 1640
The snowdrops are blooming. I like snowdrops; they're the loveliest little things, popping up out of the snowy ground before spring begins. It's nice to know things grow in the winter. Winter makes me nervous, especially at the end of the winter when we start to run out of some of our food. I know we can hunt enough, especially between me and Linny, but I don't like it when we don't have lots of food to spare.
We'll plant the garden again soon, and the plants that grow every year will grow again, and it will all be just fine. I know it.
16 February 1640
Terezi and Karkat came into the woods again, and I wanted to go to the spring and see what it's like in the snow, but Karkat doesn't have good boots for hiking in the snow so we didn't. I wanted to, but then I'd have to leave them behind and that wouldn't be kind. I'm trying to be kind.
Karkat likes to lead the way and show Terezi around as if he knows the woods better than her or me. He does seem to know what he's talking about. Goodness knows he's better at showing people around than I am. I know these woods by heart, but I've never been much good at leading people around.
I don't think I'm much good at most things to do with people. I do my best, and I'm right about most of my friends, but it's hard when it comes to saying the right things. Just because I know how they feel doesn't mean I know what to do about it.
18 February 1640
The village doesn't need Meulin as much right now, so she's been sleeping a lot. I just keep doing what I always do: hunting, cooking, keeping an eye on the plants and animals so I know when it's right to plant. It'd be nice if planting was the same date every year, but you have to keep an eye on the frost. If the frost seems to be gone but then it freezes again, the plants can be shot.
I'm thinking of starting some inside this year in pots and seeing how that goes. Then if the growing season starts late, or a late frost comes, we'll still have some plants for outside.
21 February 1640
I went out to the spring on my own today. It's a long hike-one our mama only made the path when she was older. She told us she knew the creek was there her entire life, but she only followed it back after she lost her first family. I don't know why.
I like the spring a lot. I'm not sure anyone but Linny and me know the way. It's a winding path and at one point you have to cross the creek to avoid some very pointy thistles, so I don't know if anyone us two could find it. It's nice that there's a few places that are just for me and my sister.
23 February 1640
Meulin and I sat together today and she crocheted while I planted seeds in some pots, to test them. She's making some new potholders and a trivet. We also cooked up some new batches of the medicines today, especially the one for dry skin. Hopefully the warm weather means less dry skin. Linny will be glad, certainly.
It's nice to spend time with my sister. We both have so much to do these days, keeping the house and taking care of people and her about to get married. So it's nice when we get to spend time together.
25 February 1640
Terezi came to the woods today with Tavros and Jade and Kanaya and me, and she didn't bring Karkat, which was a huge relief. If she leaves him behind sometimes, I think that will be much easier. He seems to prefer being indoors anyways. I can't imagine that. I suspect he comes out to the woods with us because he and his brother do not get along. I've met Kankri. Everyone says he's annoying, and he is, but it seems to me he's mostly just ignorant. He doesn't know a lot, but he pretends he does, which is very irritating.
I don't blame Linny for not liking him. I don't much either. But Porrim does, and she doesn't like men at all, so maybe he's kinder once you know him.
27 February 1640
I went hunting today. The plants in the pots are doing well and I got a couple of rabbits for us. We're not going to go hungry. I won't let us.
1 March 1640
I'm excited for spring. I love the green leaves on the trees, the flower buds emerging from the ground, the spray from the flooding river. It all feels like life is coming back to the world. There's something about all the green that makes me feel alive myself.
Linny has been smiling more lately. She likes the green, too. We started our lives in a gray castle, and now we live in a green forest. Our old lives were all black and gray and blue where our new lives are green and brown and pink.
3 March 1640
Karkat and Terezi came to the woods today, but they drifted off from the rest of the group. I know Terezi knows not to go to the graveyard, but I don't know if Karkat does. They can't go there. I don't want anyone to, but for some reason the idea of them going to my family's graveyard together without me feels even worse.
6 March 1640
I've been having nightmares these past few nights. I don't know why. They're usually the same-Linny and me are in our old room, in the castle where we used to live. We're together at first, playing, and usually Miss Leon, Linny's old tutor, is there, too. She used to give us food. But then Miss Leon is gone, and Linny's too far away for me to reach, and they keep getting further away until it's just me, alone, in a big, cold room. My stomach aches with hunger and I'm cold and I can't get warm and when it hurts so much I think I'll die from it I wake up.
Then I usually go downstairs and have some tea and whatever food I can find. It helps.
8 March 1640
The potted plants are doing quite well. I'm sure they'll be in a good place to plant come the true thaw. It's warmer, but the ground is still frozen. Our mama said the first thaw used to come earlier, but I don't remember that. I wasn't even born back then.
Anyways, that doesn't change what happens now. We still have to plant and grow and hunt and all that. It may have been different then, but we have to grow the garden now.
10 March 1640
It's warm enough to spend time in the village with my friends these days. It's nice when it's sunny and lovely like this. I love being outside. Indoors sometimes feels it will drive me mad, keeping me trapped inside. Outdoors, it feels free and wonderful.
I wish things were easier. Aradia's so sad these days, and I can hardly stand to be around Terezi and Karkat when they look at each other like that, and goodness knows my friends from the city have enough on their hands. But Equius will always be my good friend, and Tavros is always game to explore with me, and Kanaya's always been kind (and more level-headed than most of us). It'll be alright.
12 March 1640
I went exploring today with Equius and Tavros and Kanaya and Rose. We crossed the river on the rope bridge and followed a deer path further out than I ever have before. We found some lovely berry bushes, but I didn't recognize them so we didn't eat any (of course). You'd have to be pretty dim to eat berries you don't recognize. I brought some leaves and berries back to check with my botanical books. I hope they're edible!
14 March 1640
It turns out they're elderberries! I thought so. Meulin uses them in the medicines, so that's good. I'll go tomorrow or the next day and gather them properly. It'll be a nice walk. It might be nice to be by myself for a while anyways. I'm tired of trying to do things right.
16 March 1640
Meulin told me thanks for the berries today. I went by myself with my berry basket and gathered for a few hours alone. It was really nice. It was hard to cross the bridge back with my baskets of berries, and I'm thinking about making a rope to be able to pass baskets back and forth across the bridge. It would be very useful.
19 March 1640
Kanaya and Rose and Jade came out walking with me today. It was fun except that Rose and Kanaya were flirting, I think. They were being sarcastic with each other and such, which I think is how they show affection. People can be very strange.
Anyways, it was fun. I showed them to the elderberry patch. My friends are fun to spend time with, even when they are flirting with each other.
21 March 1640
Tavros came with me and Equius and Jade into the woods today and he brought Vriska and I wish he hadn't. She makes me nervous. We went to the clearing with the brambles near it because I didn't want to take Vriska to anywhere that's important to me. I'm afraid she'd ruin anything I liked just because I said I liked it.
I don't understand why Tavros likes her. He looks at her with these big, loving eyes, and I don't understand it.
23 March 1640
I was in the village today with everyone and it was nice, but I can't help but feel a bit…unnecessary. Everyone else has someone, and I'm just…me. Tavros has Vriska, Kanaya has Rose, Terezi has Karkat, all my friends from the city have their own planned marriages, and our new friends from the village I don't know that well. And then Aradia's not doing well, and Sollux is with Feferi I think, even Meulin has her Kurloz. I just feel like an extra part someone tacked on that doesn't do anything.
I suppose Equius will always be my best friend. And I can do my best to make everyone else happy, if I don't get to be happy myself.
25 March 1640
I tried talking to Linny today. I told her I feel like we don't talk as much anymore and I miss her. I said I wanted to see her even though she's so busy and going to be married. I know she worries about me and she wants to raise me properly, and I don't want to worry her more. I just don't want her to also not need me.
27 March 1640
Tavros and Vriska are certainly together. I saw them kissing today in Sheppard's Alley. Linny hates that alley. It's where she was when our mama found her, shaking with fever and soaked to the bone. She ran away on her own. I remember it, even though I was only seven. She told me she was going to leave and go get food for us. She said she'd be back for me and she'd bring me something good to eat. She said I could come but I was too little and too scared to leave myself.
It was a month later she came back for me, but with more than food-with our new mama. She took me out of the castle and our mama didn't carry me until she had to because Linny told her I don't like being touched.
She nursed us back to health and gave us warm rooms to sleep in and she took care of us and loved us. More than anything else, Mama loved us.
29 March 1640
Today my friends and I started building something to carry baskets across the river. It's just a length of rope over the bridge with a second, smaller piece over it to tie a basket to. You can push the second piece across the first while walking with a longer length of rope, so you don't have to carry a basket while crossing the bridge. Everyone said it sounded like a great idea so we started today. It should be ready in a few days!
31 March 1640
Equius can always tell when something's wrong with me. He asked today while we were out walking, just the two of us, and I said nothing. He said he knew I was lying and I burst into tears. I felt awful about it but I couldn't help it.
"Nepeta. What is wrong?" he asked.
"No one needs me," I said.
"What do you mean?" he asked, his forehead wrinkled up in confusion.
"Everyone else has someone and I'm just extra. No one wants me or needs me and I don't know why I bother when I'm never going to be like everyone else," I said, and I was crying.
"I need you," he said.
"What?" I sniffled.
"You are my best friend, Nepeta. I need you. I…I do not know what I would do without you."
"Oh. Um. Thank you. You're my best friend, too. I love you, you know."
He smiled. "I love you too."
It's nice to know that I'm not extraneous to him. He's one of the most important people in the world for me. Between Linny and Equius, I'll be alright.