1 January 1641

Happy 1641! I'm always excited when a new year starts. It feels like an exciting new beginning! Right now isn't as happy, of course, but we're going to work hard and rebuild. We are going to.

3 January 1641

I went into the village today with food. We all went to Kanaya's house and huddled by the fire and had tea. Kanaya fussed over me like she does, because she was worried I was cold from walking. I bundled up, of course, so I was fine.

Anyways, it was all going fine, until Karkat showed up, shivering. Kanaya fussed over him, too, wrapping him up in a blanket and bringing him over by the fire with Terezi and Tavros and me. I didn't really want to be around him, but there wasn't much I could do about it. He still deserves to be warm in the winter.

He sat next to Terezi and they sat very close. I suppose they're still together. I'm trying not to be envious but I kind of am. I guess I still do like Karkat, a bit. He is very handsome.

I miss my sister a lot. The winter is only going to get colder and worse and I'm nervous, being the person in charge. It makes me nervous.

5 January 1641

I don't know how I didn't hear about this, but I learned today that Aradia's family home was one of the ones lost. They're staying in one of the huts because their family doesn't have any very old or very young people. I haven't seen Aradia in a long time. I'm so worried about her. She was always so cheerful and happy before her sister vanished.

I still don't know what happened. I thought she'd go back to normal when Damara came back, or at least be happier, but it never happened. I wish she'd talk to us. I hope she's doing alright.

7 January 1641

I asked Sollux about Aradia today. They were always close and they were together before this all happened. He said she seemed to be acting different recently. He'd seen her helping out around the village, but hadn't talked to her yet. I hope she's doing alright. Tragedy brings out the best in some people. Maybe something about this is going to help her and her family. Maybe there's something good to come from this.

9 January 1641

I went hunting today, like most days, but while I was out a blizzard blew up. I was along one of the trails but once it was snowing I couldn't separate the path from the underbrush. I didn't know what to do so I climbed a sturdy tree a little ways up so the branches would protect me and so I wouldn't get buried. I wrapped myself up in my cloak and closed my eyes and prayed it would pass.

It was so cold and windy and frightening. I felt like I might blow away and never be seen again. I knew if I tried to walk home I'd get lost in the woods, so I stayed up in the tree, clinging to the trunk and shivering, for what felt like forever.

Finally, the storm died down. I climbed down from the tree and for a moment I felt completely lost. With so much snow on the ground, drifting around, and still more falling, the woods looked like another world.

But then I noticed trees I recognized and I slowly slogged my way home through the deep, new snow. It was strange walking over new snow. It's even stranger than with the way the wind is, my footprints will be gone by tomorrow.

It was dark when I got home, and the little ones were in bed. Mrs. Reese had been waiting up for me and she immediately had me sit by the fire and brought me hot tea.

"I was so worried about you!" she said. "When the blizzard started, my husband was going to go looking for you."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we were worried!"

"I was fine," I said. "I went up a tree and hid there until it passed."

"You're ice cold," she said. "Your hair is frozen."

"Hm," I said. "I suppose it is. I'll stay down here for now. You can go to bed."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure." I think she was worried about me. I'm not sure why. It was cold but I was bundled up. Although…I suppose I was in pretty bad shape when I got home. I was shivering terribly and Mrs. Reese said my lips were blue. And I am the breadwinner, so to speak. I suppose she would be worried if I vanished because there would be no more food.

11 January 1641

I think I was being rather unfair to Mrs. Reese. What I wrote two days ago sounds so cynical! And yesterday and today she checked on me again. She asked me I was wearing enough skirts and cloaks before I went out.

I think the Reeses and the Portlands are actually a bit worried about me. It's hard to tell, but I am a young girl living alone. I don't have parents and my older sister has married and moved away. I seem entirely too young to live alone. I suppose I am. Maybe that's why Mrs. Portland keeps knitting me things and Mrs. Reese insists on making dinner most nights and Mr. Reese tries to carry heavy things when I come after a long hunting trip. They're worried about me.

It is kind of nice.

13 January 1641

I went looking for Aradia today after Sollux said she's been much better lately. I found her wrangling some of the youngest children, keeping them occupied while their parents work. She was with Mrs. Knox and Penelope, the Bennett's eldest daughter.

"Aradia!" I said. "Oh my goodness, we haven't seen you in ages! How are you?"

"I'm great!" she said. "That's the funny thing about all this, losing your home and almost dying. I've never been better!"

"Did you get hurt in the storm? Are you alright?" I asked.

"I'm fine! We all got out before the house fell down. A beam hit me but they were able to get me out and it didn't hurt me too badly," she explained.

"What happened?" I asked. "You were so different."

"It turns out my family has some secrets we never talked about," she said lightly. "It's no big deal. Damara's still a bit upset, but I realized-I almost died. No reason to fuss over the past when we have the future!"

"A family secret?" I asked. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing important. Anyways, it's not for in front of children. Oh, no, there goes Eddie again…I'll talk to you later!" she said. Then she took off after a little boy, about five, who was indeed running away.

I don't want to press, but I am terribly curious. What kind of secret could send Damara away for months and destroy Aradia like that? I'm glad she's back to normal, but I'm also worried. And, I may as well admit, curious.

16 January 1641

It seems these days that Karkat is at Kanaya's home whenever I go there, and since that's where we all meet, I can't really avoid him. I can't even look him in the eye these days. I'm pretty sure he just hates me now, and I always have to see him with his arm around Terezi. She looks happy, at least.

18 January 1641

I'm almost out of food reserves. So today I went out to get a deer again. It's harder when it's so cold because staying still can make the cold seem worse, but I have to do what I have to do. I didn't get one in the morning, so I spent most of the day on rabbits and birds before going back to wait by the path again.

None came by in the evening, and I didn't want to stay too late and get lost in the dark, snowy woods. So I went back home with the day's catch. I'm going to need to do more work to keep people alive.

20 January 1641

I think it's time for Button to have some babies. Lots of people lost their cats, and I think Button's old enough to safely have babies. Cats have babies pretty easily. Once spring is here and people aren't so hungry, I'll find a boy cat for her. I want to have some time so I can make sure she's alright while she's pregnant and having her kittens.

I mentioned it to Tavros, and he thinks it's a good idea. People will need barn cats and housecats once they have houses again. I probably won't talk about it with my other friends, though. Tavros knows about animals mating and it doesn't bother him, but lots of other people get very shy and awkward about it. So I won't bring it up.

22 January 1641

I haven't heard from Linny in a while. I used to hear from her at least once a week but I don't always get letters from her so often anymore. She must be busy. I think being a noblewoman is a lot of work. I have a lot of work, too, but I remember days of the week and routines and things much better than Meulin.

I have to hunt most days now. I won't let people starve.

24 January 1641

I've wanted to see Aradia to ask her about her family secret, but I've been hunting every day and she's busy whenever I'm in the village, watching the children. I may have to wait a while to ask, because I have no time these days.

27 January 1641

I got another deer today, but that's only enough for a week or two. Rations are being cut. There's not much food. I think if they eat the deer for a few weeks I'll have some time, but I do still need to hunt every day. I go out early in the morning for deer, hunt rabbits and bird during the day, and then wait again for deer in the evening. Mrs. Reese always stays up until I'm home and makes me tea so I can warm my hands.

It's kind of her. I want to give her something in return, but whenever I bring it up she tells me she's living in my home. I suppose she is. I don't always like having strange people in my home. They're nice enough and I like them, but sometimes I just very much need to be alone. I don't know. It just feels like the right thing to do.

29 January 1641

I got a letter today from Meulin, and she told me she's pregnant! I'm so happy for her. I hope this one goes well! She wants daughters, so I hope she has a darling little girl. Not that I'd be disappointed if she had a little boy! Little children can be so cute. I look forward to meeting my niece or nephew! I think it's going to be fun. Being an aunt sounds like it'll be fun.

31 January 1641

I'm very tired. I spend all day hunting, even Sundays usually. I don't think I'm a very good hunter, so I spend all day at it so I have enough. I do my best, but I don't know if it will be enough. The stores are almost empty but we won't be able to grow food again for a few months. It's a tense time. People aren't usually at their most patient when they're hungry and I hope they don't get mad at me.

2 February 1641

I hope Linny comes to see me soon. I hope her pregnancy is going well! Lots of women just work up until they give birth, but it's not always that easy. I know women sometimes can't stop throwing up or just get these strange illnesses Linny can't fix. It always worries her, and me too. I can't help but worry about everyone else in the village. They're my village. Of course I worry about them.

4 February 1641

Feferi came to see us today. She brought us nice food, which is kind of her, and we all went out walking in the woods. We sang The Cutty Wren together and wandered through the fresh snow. I'll have to hunt extra tomorrow to make up for it, but it was wonderful.

Feferi told us something odd about The Cutty Wren, though.

"My mother doesn't like that song," she said.

"Why?" I asked. "It's so lovely."

"She says it's about violence and going against the queen," she said.

"What?" I said. "It's about hunting together and feeding people who need it. That's a lovely thing to put in a song." It's what I do.

"My mother says it's not about that," Feferi said.

"Maybe she's thinking of a different song," I said. "It's very old. There must be many different versions."

"Maybe," Feferi said, but she seemed unsure. I decided not to keep talking about it because she seemed uncomfortable. I suppose she didn't want her mother to be angry with her. If the queen was my mother I certainly wouldn't!

6 February 1641

I got another deer today! I didn't see any in the morning, but in the evening when it was almost dark, I managed to get a buck. I'm not sure what I'll do with the antlers, but I can probably ask around in the village to see if anyone can make use of them.

8 February 1641

People are starting to get hungry. When I brought the deer, Kanay looked like she might cry with relief.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"We're almost out of food," she said.

"Oh no," I said. "Well, I'll bring as much as I can."

"Please do," she said. "Everyone's getting worried."

I nodded and went back home. My stores are almost empty. I'll have to hunt even more. Or maybe just aim for more deer. I worry sometimes that there won't be any animals left by spring. But animals have babies in spring, so I hope they'll be alright. I don't know what else to do, anyways. I can't let the village go hungry.

9 February 1641

I got a letter from Meulin today saying she wouldn't be coming to see me again until she's had her baby. She said she's worried about walking to see me in the cold and she's trying to be very careful. She's probably right-she is the midwife-but it feels like an excuse. It feels like she doesn't want to see me and is telling me it's because she's pregnant. Pregnant women work in the field until they're just about ready to deliver. Meulin herself tells women that they needn't stop doing anything they like to do. She does tell them to rest up if they feel tired, but this feels like more than that.

I suppose I always knew she'd stop coming back. She has her new life now, with her new husband and family. She's going to have a baby, for goodness' sake. She won't have time for me. I can't ask her to come see me when she has a baby.

11 February 1641

I got frostnip on my fingers and toes today. They're all white and cold, and they were terribly red and itchy when I got inside to warm myself by the fire. I had the presence of mind to not to plunge them in hot water, luckily. I don't know that much about getting too cold, but I know it's usually better to warm up a bit slower than that.

Anyways, I spent most of the day outside, so I suppose it was going to happen. I'm glad the Reeses and the Portlands keep the fire stoked while I'm gone.

13 February 1641

I went out today like every day and I'm exhausted. I did take a warm bath later, once I was warm, because my muscles ached-still ache-and it was lovely.

I hope it's enough. I'll bring in more food in a few days.

15 February 1641

I brought more food today. Kanaya was relieved and told me to stay a while. I wasn't sure if I should, because this food will only last a week, maybe a week and a couple of days. But she seemed worried, so I decided to stay. I ended up at Aradia's house! I saw her in the village and I spent some time with Tavros, Terezi, and Sollux at her home. We all huddled around the fire with tea and talked about how the village was. They've built two more homes, and gotten some families moved in. They're trying to move the young and the old first. Reverend Maxwell has a big list of every family that needs a home and he crosses a name off whenever they finish a home. Tavros said that hopefully by next winter, the Reeses and the Portlands should have homes.

I hope they do! Living somewhere for a season isn't the same as having your own home. And I suppose, selfishly, I enjoy living alone. It's nice not having other people around and being able to be alone when I need to be.

Tavros and Sollux are both pretty tired. They're both working with the other men to rebuild the homes, and it's hard work when it's cold. It's hard work all the time, but it's harder when it's cold. Terezi's mostly been organizing things, keeping track of how much of everything there is and where it all goes. She said her head is spinning with numbers. And Aradia admitted she's a bit sick of the children.

I just do what I've always done. I'm not doing anything all that different. I hope it's enough.

17 February 1641

I tried to go out hunting today, but Mrs. Portland insisted I get some rest instead. She said it's the Sabbath day and it's right to rest on Sundays. I suppose she's right, but people can still go hungry on a Sunday.

I went to church anyways and then spent most of today reading. I haven't rested much since the storm, I don't think. It feels strange. I felt like I should be doing something all day. I'm not sure I feel much better now. I need to get sleep, anyways. I have work to do tomorrow.

19 February 1641

I miss Linny. She promised she'd come see me once she's had her baby, and then I can meet my new baby niece or nephew, but I miss her now. Nine months seems like a very long time. I don't know anyone else who doesn't see their family that often. People spend their whole lives here in the village, and their children do, and their children's children. I never expected that Linny and I wouldn't live close enough to see each other most every day.

I also never expected that I would have to finish growing up without Mama, that I'd get married and have my babies without her there. I suppose this is a new kind of grief to work through. Meulin isn't gone, but my future looks different now. It's hard to think about.

21 February 1641

People are so hungry. I can tell people are tenser, more frustrated. When I bring my food, I can see the relief in the Maryams' eyes. It's always completely gone by the next time. I'm eating less now, but making sure my guests have enough. I can't let someone living in my home go hungry.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do when food starts growing again. What did I do before this?

24 February 1641

Another deer today. I don't know if this one was heavier than the others or I'm more tired. By the time I got it home, I felt I might collapse. I left the deer outside, where it was cold, and came inside to get warm by the fire. Mrs. Portland pushed a cup of tea into my hands and then Mrs. Reese brought me some stew and good bread. Once I was warm, I went back out to prepare the deer, but Mr. Reese insisted it could wait until morning, that the meat would keep in the cold so long as we put it in the smokehouse, where scavengers wouldn't get it. He said he'd help me then, anyways, so it would go faster.

I'm so tired. I need some sleep.

26 February 1641

Mrs. Reese asked me about some things she found in the room she's in today. She found Mama's journals in her desk while she was folding clothes. She didn't read them but she wanted to know what to do with them.

I used to want to read her journals, but it doesn't feel right now. Those were her private thoughts and she probably said things in her journals like I do, things I'd never want anyone to read. But I also don't want to get rid of them. So I told her to give them to me and I'd put them away for now.

I'm going to put them under the stairs with the old baby things. I think I'll put the pictures there too. It's a good place to keep memories. They're right there, but I don't have to see them and remember losing my mama every single day.

28 February 1641

I'm very sore. I think I need to take another hot bath to ease the ache in my muscles. It's another month until the last frost, most likely, so now's a good time for early spring plants. I asked my friends in town and they said people are getting ready for the first planting. I'm seeing more little green things poke out of the ground now, but it's still hard and cold most days. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

2 March 1641

I've been singing to myself as I prepare the meat I catch. I hardly notice sometimes! I find myself singing Geordie a lot these days. It was one of my mama's favorites, or at least she sang it a lot. I think it reminded her of her love. I don't think he ever stole anything and I don't think she'd trade her children's lives for his, but I think it reminded her of him nonetheless.

My mama sang a lot of sad songs, the old ballads. I know happy songs and she sang us those, too, but there are plenty of sad songs I know from her.

4 March 1641

Mrs. Portland is very keen on making me rest on the Sabbath. It is the right thing to do, I suppose, but I can't let anyone go hungry even on Sunday! Jesus healed on the Sabbath, so why shouldn't I feed people on Sundays? I think that's a pretty Godly thing to do.

But Mrs. Portland insists I stay inside and rest. I still cook and knit and do things, but I don't go hunting or work too hard. And I usually take the evening off.

6 March 1641

Another deer today. My shoulders and back hurt so very much. I found some of the pain medicine, the kind from the willow bark, and went to bring it to the village with the Reeses. I hope it's enough. I'm very tired.

9 March 1641

I bumped into Karkat today because as it gets warmer, they can work more to rebuild the village. I was bringing in all the fowl I caught when I saw him carrying some wood. I thought about saying hello, but he just hurried away. I know he doesn't like me and probably never even thought of me as a friend, but it's still not fun to see him run away from me like that. It hurts to think that he doesn't even want to hear me say hello.

I gave Kanaya the fowl and went straight home. Terezi said hello and I waved back but I didn't feel much like staying to talk.

11 March 1641

I did stay in the village today to talk with my friends because otherwise they worry about me, though I can't figure out why. Kanaya and Terezi and Aradia and I wandered the area they're building the new houses, admiring how new and lovely they look. The men were hammering and sawing away, preparing the new homes for the families still in the church or the little huts outside the village.

But we still need food. Kanaya herself looks thin and so did Aradia. Their cheeks are hollow and their skin a shade paler than normal. Terezi doesn't look as bad, but it's clear she's been better. I feel awful. I have enough at my home. I should bring more into the village. I'll have enough to feed the Portlands and the Reeses, but I can afford to eat less myself. I'll start eating less and bring more into the village. I hope it's enough.

13 March 1641

I portioned out the food again today but left a bit less for myself. I don't know how much it'll help, but I'll try. I'll do what I can to help the village.

I'm like my sister and my mama. Since living with our mama, Linny and I have always carried more weight than we need (although as Linny would say not as much as she'd like). So I can manage with less for a bit. I'll get skinny, but that'll be alright. When people have enough again, I'll gain the weight back and it'll be alright.

15 March 1641

I can definitely afford to eat less. I had a bit of a rumble in my stomach today, but I did just fine in my hunting. Maybe it'll only be one more person fed, but it's worth it. My village won't go hungry. We won't lose anyone to starvation. People may be cold and hungry, but I won't let anyone else die from this storm. We lost enough people in the storm itself. We're not going to lose anyone else.

17 March 1641

It's very cold out. I thought it was getting warmer but today I could hardly stop shivering when I was hunting. I'd better wear my warmest cloak when I go out. I can't afford to get cold when I'm hunting!

20 March 1641

Mrs. Reese helped me carry food into the village today because I caught another deer. I stayed a bit to talk with Terezi and watch the children with Aradia. Terezi's a bit scattered from trying to find people selling things we need, like iron for nails. We have a blacksmith but he can't do much without iron. People are offering up some of their iron, but we all need things like pots and pans. I know some people have taken down their lucky horseshoes. I hope it helps.

22 March 1641

I spent today doing the first of the planting. I didn't plant anything that can't survive the last few frosts, but hopefully this will give us something to eat before the summer. I got a couple of birds, but mostly Mr. Reese helped me plant.

24 March 1641

Today was Sunday, so I went into the village and watched the children with Aradia. She has a little flock who follow her around and who she keeps an eye on. She's teaching them a little of how to read, but mostly they just play with their hoops and other little toys. Aradia reads two languages like me, but hers is for religious reasons and mine's just because. I'd like to learn another, probably Russian like Linny and our mama. Our mama was just teaching me some Russian when she passed away, so I know the letters but not much else.

Anyways, it was fun to watch the children play. They have their own little chores, feeding the chickens or somesuch, but right now Aradia just makes sure they stay out of the way of the builders and the people cooking and…well, all the adults, really. We're all very busy.

26 March 1641

I woke up today with the worst headache. I took a hot bath when I finished my work, but it didn't help as much as it usually does. I'm not sure what to make of that.

29 March 1641

I still have that headache, and I feel a bit off balance. I'm not overly worried, but I feel less limber when I climb trees to keep watch for deer. I don't know why. I took some medicine for pain today, and it helped, but I still feel a bit off-kilter.

Maybe I need more rest. I'll get a lot of sleep tonight and I'm sure that will help.

31 March 1641

Today was a lovely day. I went into the village and it was sunny and warm and wonderful. It felt hopeful. Church was wonderful, with the sun shining through the stained glass casting everything in rainbows. I'm glad our church was spared. So many people take shelter there and it's the house of God in our town. I'd like to think it means God hasn't forsaken us.

I still feel unwell, though. I can't seem to get rid of this headache and when I went to make more pain medicine I could hardly remember the recipe.

My vision is going funny, like night has fallen early. I hope