2 July 1641

I haven't heard from my sister in weeks. I hope she's alright. She used to write every week, but she's been writing less and less ever since she left. I guess she writes less because she's busy. I still write her every week, so she doesn't worry. I don't know if she does worry about me, but I miss her anyways.

4 July 1641

There's plenty to eat these days in the village. I have enough myself. Now I'm preparing for winter. There's plenty to do. I have the garden to maintain, and then I can forage in the woods, and then of course hunting, and preserving meat for the winter, and preparing herbs. I have plenty to do.

6 July 1641

Equius was back in the village today and he brought a bow and arrows to my house.

"I was wondering if you'd teach me to shoot," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"You were going to teach me to shoot, but I almost broke your bow. I have my own bow now, and I think I would like to try again," he said.

"Oh," I said. "Yes, I'd like that. I have a target behind the house. Come on."

So I took him out to the back and showed him how to shoot. His aim wasn't very good and we had to search the brush for his arrows, but his have bright blue fletching like mine so they were easy to find. Today I mostly helped him with his stance. He kept trying to face the target, rather than go side-on. He's lucky, though. He doesn't have breasts getting in the way.

He said he'd like to keep coming back and learning. I'm excited to teach him! I like hunting, but I like shooting too. If I didn't have to hunt, I would still shoot.

8 July 1641

I haven't needed to get a deer in a long while, but I've thought about catching a couple before the winter so we're prepared. We have time to prepare, but normally there are stores built up and right now there's nothing to spare. It will be another rough winter. At least more people will have homes.

Button is very pregnant, and she's getting ready to have her babies. She's made herself a little nest of blankets and pillows under my bed. She keeps trying to steal other people's quilts, so I gave her her own. She always wants me to pet her, too. She's been very sweet as of late.

I don't mind. She's a good cat and I hope I can be comforting while she's getting ready to have babies. It must be hard! And cats usually have quite a few babies. She must be awfully tired growing them.

10 July 1641

Mrs. Portland asked about Equius today.

"This Equius fellow. How did you meet him?" she asked.

"His father and my mother were friends," I told her.

"And how did they meet?" she asked.

"They were friends when they were children," I said. I know that's true and I wasn't sure if there was a way to explain how Mr. Zahhak killed our mama's love and also explain that they were close.

"Hm," she said. "Do you know his intentions?"

I nodded and said, "Of course. He's going to school right now and he's going to become an architect."

"I mean with you," she said.

"I suppose he wants me to teach him to shoot," I offered. She was doing that thing people do, where they talk around what they're saying. I really dislike that.

She sighed. "Is he going to ask for your hand?" she finally said.

"I should hope not!" I said. "He's my friend."

"Well, then, who will?" she asked.

"I don't know. I'm not worried about it," I said. I don't think that much about who I'll marry. I probably will marry someday, but it just doesn't seem that important to think about right now. I have other things to worry about. "Actually, I should go weed the garden."

She nodded and let me go, but she seemed worried. I don't know why she would be. I'm doing just fine. Our mama and my sister taught me how to survive on my own. I'm the last person she should worry about.

12 July 1641

I decided to start knitting a new pair of mittens today. I'm using light yarn for it, so it'll take a bit longer to make them. I'll also have to do some work on the house to be ready for winter. A few of the tiles on the roof need to be replaced and I should make sure the doors close tightly. I want us to be warm and safe for winter. After all, I'll have kittens by then!

14 July 1641

Equius came over yesterday and today to work on shooting with me. He's getting better. His aim is still not very good; he can barely hit the target from twenty paces. Sometimes he asks to see the best of my shooting and I can still usually hit the target from sixty paces. I'm trying for more. One day he'll be as good as me. Maybe we can go hunting together! I think that'd be great fun.

16 July 1641

Button is rather displeased; she's clearly a bit uncomfortable right now. She's going to have her babies any day. She has her nest all set up under my bed and she doesn't do much; she hardly leaves the nest. I'm trying to keep an eye on her, so I can be ready when she gives birth, but she's been very shy lately. I suppose she wants to be left alone, which I can understand.

She does occasionally come to me demanding to be pet, though. I hope I can comfort her right now.

19 July 1641

Button had her babies today! I came back from hunting and she was curled up in her little nest, and I came up right before the first kitten was born! It took her about two hours to have three babies. I hated her hear her crying, but I know it hurts giving birth, and there's not much to be done about it.

She started grooming her little ones right away and they went to suckle. They are the cutest little things! They've got the tiniest little ears and their little eyes are still closed. They're snuggled up to their mother right now, purring. They're so small and cute when they purr!

I have to come up with names now for the three of them. There's two boys and one girl. I thought I might name them after different animals, or maybe just give them people names. I'm not sure yet.

But I have a lot to do, to make sure the little ones are okay. I have to go.

21 July 1641

Equius was home today. He came yesterday, too, but I was with the kittens. He won't meet them until they're a little older, because Button is still terribly protective of her babies. She hisses if the Portlands try to get in my room.

But she actually brought the kittens onto my bed. I was sitting in bed reading and she brought her three little babies up next to me. They are so cute! They don't move much, just wriggle around and make the littlest purrs. She left her babies with me and went to go mouse the house. I've never felt so responsible, or trusted.

I pet the little ones gently so they'd get used to me as I read. They're so little.

23 July 1641

Button is still staying in her box most of the time, nursing her little ones and grooming them and such. I think their ears are starting to unfold. Soon their eyes will be open! I know people are born with our eyes open, but these tiny little kittens can't do much of anything. Button spends all her time cleaning them and nursing them and caring for them.

They are so adorable. I think I may melt.

25 July 1641

They're almost a week old! They're wriggling around a bit on their own, now, trying to move. It's so cute. It reminds me of the tiny little babies in the village who are fascinated to discover their own fingers and toes.

I don't know if I want children. Linny does, or I assume she still does. I've only gotten short, brief letters from her, really. She doesn't even write once a week like she used to. It hurts, a bit. I miss her, and I thought we'd always be sisters, but I suppose she has her new family.

It's just that I don't really have any family left. My birth family think I'm dead; my mama is dead; my sister is gone. All that's left is me.

27 July 1641

Equius came by today like he does and we practiced shooting. He's getting better every time I see him. I know, and he knows, that it'll be a long time before he's as good as I am. But he's still getting better. I asked him if he could practice at school, and he said no because he has lots of work to do there.

"At any rate, my father does not like me learning archery," he said.

"Why on Earth not?" I asked.

"That I do now know," he said.

"Huh," I said. "Does he know how?"

"I believe so," he said. "But he has never taught myself or my brother."

"Strange," I said. "My mama taught us as soon as she thought we were old enough. She wanted us to know so we'd never have to rely on anyone else."

"I understand that," he said. He nocked another arrow and aimed, then added, "I am certain you will never need another person."

"I still like spending time with you," I said.

He nodded and fired. He hit very close to the bull's-eye, but not quite.

29 July 1641

Now that the kittens can move a little bit more, they snuggle together while Button takes care of them. They are so, so cute! They're so snuggly. I pet them gently on their tiny little heads sometimes so they can get used to me, and because I want Button to know I'm here to help her. I want to help her.

I suppose Button is all the family I have left. Does it count if she's a cat?

1 August 1641

I hope Linny writes for my birthday. I miss her and it would be nice to know she at least still remembers me. I guess I always knew she'd grow up and have her own family, but I didn't think she'd just forget me. I know I'm not really important, but I thought I was important to her.

I've been feeling discouraged about that, lately. I'm not sure I'm important to anyone, besides Button, and I feed her.

3 August 1641

The kittens are so cute! They're trying to walk, but not doing very well at it, and it's so sweet watching them stumble all over the place. They knead, like Button does when she's happy, and they like to cuddle up together and with their mama. Sometimes they hiss when I pet them, but it doesn't take more than a moment for them to adjust. Button trusts me with them. She brings them, one by one, up into my bed when I'm reading before going to sleep, and puts them in a little nest of blankets right next to me.

It hurts, in a good way. It's like there's more love inside me than I ever thought I could have, and it hurts to try to contain it all.

5 August 1641

Today I'm eighteen. I'm an adult now, by law. I could do whatever I want. I'm even of marrying age, now. Most of the women in the village get married when they're a little older than I am. But I don't think there's anyone I want to marry.

I didn't get anything from Meulin. I hope she wrote and the letter is just late. I hope very much she didn't forget.

7 August 1641

The kittens are walking much more steadily now! They go on little explorations, not even out of my room, but my goodness it's cute. Their ears are straight up and their tiny little eyes are open, and they have soft fur now. I pet them all a little bit every day, and they seem to like it. They make the sweetest little purs! They're so soft and sweet. I love him so much.

9 August 1641

Nothing from my sister. I guess she has forgotten me. I don't know what to think. She's my sister. She came back for me, when she ran away. She took care of me after Mama died. Maybe she's sick of me. Maybe taking care of me all that time was too much and now she just wants to have her own life without me.

It hurts. I thought it hurt the most when Karkat didn't like me. Then I thought it hurt the most when the storm wrecked the village. This is worse than even that.

11 August 1641

Equius came by today with his bow, ready to shoot, but I suppose he saw that I was feeling sad and instead he said, "Nepeta?"

"Yes?" I said.

"What is wrong?" he asked.

"It's stupid," I said.

"What is it?" he asked again.

"My sister didn't write me. For my birthday," I said. "It's silly. She's probably very busy."

"It is still unkind of her to forget," he said. "I'd like to wish you a happy birthday. Monday, correct?"

I nodded.

"Here," he said, holding something out.

It was a book about plants, all about how they work and things. It's exactly the sort of thing I love. "Thank you," I said, feeling choked up.

"You're welcome."

I took the book and then I put it down and threw my arms around him. I don't normally like hugs, but Equius hugs just right and sometimes, if I'm very happy, I like it. It's hard to explain, but I think it's because he hugs tighter than anyone else. He squeezed me back and said, "I am glad you like it."

"Thank you," I said again. "It's wonderful."

And then we went outside to shoot. He's getting much better!

13 August 1641

The kittens are delightful! They're at the age for playing. They run around the house like mad and then fall asleep on the couch, on the Portland's bed, under the chairs, anywhere. They're so sweet! I make time to play with them every day and Mrs. Portland does, too. I'm going to invite the Reeses over to meet the kittens, and so the kittens can get used to people. I think I might invite my friends over, too. The kittens have met Equius, and Button trusts him, but they aren't as familiar with my other friends. I want them to get used to people so they can have new owners when they're old enough.

15 August 1641

I invited Terezi and Aradia and Kanaya to my home today to meet the kittens. They were all excited! So I made tea and I made sure I was close by the whole time, so Button knew her babies were safe. They're curious little things, wanting to explore everything. It reminds me of when we first had Button and she got into the button box and earned her name.

My friends also helped me name the kittens. They'll have new names at their new homes, but for now, they're named Shadow (the black one), Misty (the gray one), and Snowy (the white one). Button's very protective of them, although sometimes she'll dump them with me and go off to attend to her cat business. It's wonderful how she trusts me.

18 August 1641

Equius was by again today for tea and to practice shooting. He's definitely improving. I'm impressed! He says it's because I'm a good teacher. I don't know about that. I don't think I have the patience for teaching. But Equius is my best friend! I can always make time for him.

I still miss Linny. It hurts, that she'd just forget me like that. And I can't help but think it's for the same reason Karkat didn't like me-because I'm different. My sister has a new life and there's no space for an odd girl like me. There's no space in most peoples lives for me, I think.

Equius comes every weekend. I think he knows how much it means to me.

20 August 1641

The kittens are growing so fast! I thought babies grew fast, but these kittens are already walking and mewing for their mother. They take up a lot of my day. I have to hunt for Button, of course, because she's not up for hunting for herself. And then I have to play with the kittens and make sure they're alright and just keep an eye on them, so they don't get into anything dangerous. It's not something I don't want to do-it's just that it's so much!

Well, they'll be big enough to be on their own soon enough. The books say kittens can be away from their mothers after about three or four months. Soon enough I'll be finding families in the village to take them. Time feels like it's passing more quickly, these days, than when I was a child. Three months would've felt like forever when I was ten years old, and now it feels like not long at all.

22 August 1641

Today is Mama's birthday. I went to her grave today and sat there among the forget-me-nots and remembered her. I tried to remember all the good things, like when we made Christmas dinner together or when she taught us to make crowns out of flowers. But at the end, when she was very sick, she looked so pale and skinny and strange. She tried to be happy for us, but she was so tired.

That's how she was a lot. She tried very hard to be happy for us, but we knew that she carried a huge sadness with her. Sometimes it was too much for her, and she was just too tired to be there for us. I hope in heaven she's happy, and the sadness doesn't weigh on her so much.

24 August 1641

Equius was over today for tea and shooting practice. He brought me some sugar for the tea. He knows I always get sad around Mama's birthday. We didn't talk about much, but it was still good to talk with him. It's good to know I have a friend.

26 August 1641

I invited the Reeses over today to meet the kittens. Anna and James were both so delighted by these tiny little kittens running everywhere. Mr. and Mrs. Reese and I had tea while the children and the kittens chased each other around the table. It was good to see them again, and it's good for the kittens meet more people. I asked them if they wanted to take one of the kittens in a couple of months, when they're weaned, and they said yes! So I know for sure one of my new kittens will be going to a good, kind home.

I can't think of many people in the village I wouldn't trust with a kitten, but there are some. There are some people in the village who just aren't kind, or who treat their other cats or dogs badly. I couldn't send another living creature to a home like that.

28 August 1641

I've been having nightmares lately. When I was small and we first met our mama, I'd have these terrible dreams of being starving and alone in my old room. I've been having those nightmares again. But I'm not a child anymore, in the dreams. I'm the age I am now, but I'm still starving and alone in a cold stone room. I don't know why it scares me so much. It's not like I dream about anything terrible or violent-just being hungry and alone.

Button can tell when I've been having nightmares, and she cuddles up to me and purs. She's busy with her kittens oftentimes, of course, but it's still a comfort just knowing she's in the room with me. I'm not completely alone.

30 August 1641

The Portland's home will be ready in two weeks. I went with them to see it and it's a lovely little place, just right for a couple their age. They don't want one of the kittens, but that's alright.

I'm sad to see them go. I never thought I'd say that. But I think it's going to be lonely in this house without anyone else around. I've lived alone before, but this feels like it's going to be different.

2 September 1641

The harvest is underway, and there is food for everyone. I went to bring meat into the village and Kanaya told me I didn't need to, that there was enough! So I brought it back and preserved it for the winter. It's so good that there's enough. People aren't hungry right now. We'll still struggle this winter, but for now, it's going to be alright. The harvest season is always a good time, and this year it's special. Last year's harvest was hardly an event worth celebrating; this year, we'll celebrate twice as much to make up for it.

4 September 1641

The kittens are getting so big! They're hardly even wobbling anymore. It's so cute watching them try to clean themselves. They're getting the hang of it, slowly but surely. Nowadays they've taken to pouncing on anything that moves. Shadow had a fight with a mouse the other day that he just barely won. Misty's the smart one-she stalks the mice first. And Snowy just likes to play.

They're so soft. At night Button likes to curl up on the bed with me and the kittens do, too. I pet them very gently so I don't hurt them, and they have such soft fur. It's very calming to pet them. It just makes me feel better. And it's nice that Button trusts me with her babies. She trusts me so much.

6 September 1641

It's been so long since I got a letter from Linny. I don't know how she is. I think she was pregnant last time we spoke, but I don't know if she miscarried or how far along she is or anything. She said she'd visit when she had her baby so I could meet my new niece or nephew. I hope that's soon. I miss her.

I should go into the village to see my friends more often. I miss them, too.

8 September 1641

Equius came by for shooting lessons again today. I think I might take him hunting soon, to see if he can hit a moving target. Hunting is harder than hitting a target.

He could tell I was still upset, and he asked me about it.

"I'm…I'm kind of mad at my sister. And it feels mean."

"Why are you angry with her?"

"She left me. I was only sixteen and she left to get married! And now she doesn't even write. It's like she just wanted to forget about me."

Equius nodded. "That sounds like a good reason to be upset."

"It feels unfair."

"I think you have every reason to be upset," he said. "It is very hard to live on your own. I am sure she had her reasons, but it makes sense that you would be hurt."

It was good to hear him say that. "I suppose. I miss her, too."

"Of course."

"Do you think she'll ever write me back?"

"I am sure she will."

I hope she will.

11 September 1641

I've been preparing for winter a lot lately. I know it's early, but if I prepare a lot now people won't go hungry later. The Portlands are kind about it. Mrs. Portland especially tries to take care of me. I got so used to feeding seven people that only feeding three is almost strange now. It's going to be even stranger when it's just me.

13 September 1641

The Portland's house is ready! I helped them carry their things to their new home, which is a cute little cottage just right for them. Mr. Portland insisted on helping me move their things, and Mrs. Portland insisted I stay for dinner. She told me to come back in a month or two and she'd have a nice new hat and pair of mittens for me, so I'd be ready for the winter. She's so kind. They both are! I don't know why they're so kind to me. But they've been awfully kind to me and it's nice. I'm glad someone cares about me, at least.

I'll go visit them soon. Them and the Reeses. Most people in the village are kind, I think. Even if they don't understand me or treat me different, I think they're trying to be kind.

15 September 1641

I had some free time today, so I went into the village and had tea with my friends. Kanaya and Aradia and I sat around her family's kitchen table with cups of warm tea and talked. I told them that the kittens are doing very well and will probably be grown-up enough to leave their mother in a couple of months, and Kanaya told us her aunt's been doing better and she's learning a new kind of stitch, and Aradia said the lambs are all grown up too and they're getting the animals ready for winter.

Aradia's family is living in their barn with the sheep this winter. She told me she's not worried about it; they made a place to start a fire and they sheep are plenty warm. And they have plenty of wool! I told her they can always come to my home if they're cold, and she said she's sure they won't be.

Most people have somewhere to go this winter to keep warm. With how cold the winters have been as of late, I'm relieved to hear that. My home will always be open if anyone needs it.

17 September 1641

I saw Karkat in the village today. He ran away from me again. I think he thought I didn't see him but I did. I know I'm strange, but it still hurts. Will it ever not hurt? I liked him and now he can't even stand to look at me. I know I'm different, but I didn't think he'd hate me so much for liking him that way.

He and Terezi aren't together anymore. She didn't say much when I asked her, and I didn't pry. I'm curious but she seemed sad and I don't want to make my friends sad. And I'm not sure how much I want to hear about that, anyways. It hurts to hear about all the happy times she had with him.

I know that's very selfish of me. I can't help it, though. I don't tell her it hurts but it does.

19 September 1641

My home feels very empty. It's just me now, me and Button and the kittens. There are two empty bedrooms and it all just feels so quiet. I talk to Button a lot these days. She sometimes meows back as if we're having a conversation, but mostly I talk to her and she just pushes her head against me for petting. She's certainly a good listener.

The kittens are rambunctious these days! They're grown up enough to run all over the house and cause a fuss wherever they go. I have to be very careful with lit candles these days. It's not as much of a problem now, but when winter comes it will be. Luckily they all avoid the fire. They're smarter than that!

21 September 1641

I told Equius today that I'd like to take him hunting soon. His aim isn't as good as mine, but he's still getting quite skilled. He could come with me and bring home anything he catches.

"If you do not mind, I would rather you kept it," he said awkwardly.

"I can take care of myself, you know," I said.

"I know. I do not think my father would want me to hunt," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"For the same reason he never taught me to shoot, I imagine," he said. "I do not know."

"You could ask him," I pointed out.

"I have tried. He has not been remarkably forthcoming," he said.

"Oh," I said. "Well, I'd like to take you anyways if that's alright. It'll be fun."

"I would like to try," he admitted. "In a few more weeks, perhaps?"

"Sounds good," I said, smiling. I'm glad he thinks it'll be fun. I like hunting and I want to share that with him. He's my best friend! I want him to have the best of everything and I want to show him the things that make me happy, because they might make him happy, too.

23 September 1641

I went to visit Mama's grave today. I said hello to the rest of her family, too. I never knew them except through her stories, but I worry they might get lonely without anyone else to visit them. I also collected some of the forget-me-nots. They're going to start dying soon, and I want bring some inside and keep them warm for the winter. They keep Mama's memory alive for me when I'm not there; the least I can do is keep them warm in the winter.

Mama told me the first time we planted the flower garden I nearly cried when I tried to tell her we needed to bring the flowers inside. She said I told her they'd get cold and we had to take care of them. She helped me, back then. She helped me gather up the old blossoms and put them in her glass jars, and then when spring came, we buried them in the garden as fertilizer. We kept them warm.

25 September 1641

Someone came to the house for Meulin today, and I had to tell them I hadn't heard from her and I didn't know what to do. Kanaya knows a little, and so does Mrs. Penny, but Meulin knew it all the best and she's gone. She left us without a midwife. She wants babies and she left us without a midwife. How could she?

I don't know if it's fair to be angry with my sister, but sometimes I can't help it. How could she just leave like that? Doesn't she know we still needed her-that I still needed her? It's not fair to be angry that she's happy in her new life. I know that. And still I am.

27 September 1641

I'm looking forwards to All Saints' this year. It's going to be wonderful to celebrate, to have enough. There'll be music and dancing and plenty enough food for everyone. I'm still preparing for winter, but I know this year we will have plenty when we have our festivals. I already feel lighter. I can only imagine how light I'll feel when they're playing the fiddle and we're dancing so fast the colors blur.

My friends have been happier, too, as of late. Aradia's been happy since the storm, and Kanaya's less irate from caring for her aunt all day, and Terezi has more time to study, and Tavros isn't mourning the lost dairy cows as much, and Equius is going to school. Things are going well! It looks like we might be alright.

I'm still frightened for winter. What feels like plenty now may not feel like enough come February.

29 September 1641

I went into the village today-Equius and I both did-and we had tea together with Tavros and Terezi and Aradia and Kanaya. We didn't talk about much. We told jokes and I told them about my hunting adventures and Terezi told us about some old laws she'd read about and Kanaya showed us a lovely new skirt she'd made (it's bright red!) and Aradia told us about how sweet the lambs are.

It was good. I felt so good I almost forgot how much I miss my sister. But just as we were leaving, Porrim joined us and she and Kanaya started joking together and talking about clothes, and I remembered how much I miss Linny. I know I'm different, but I don't think I was a bad sister. As good as things are now, with friends and food, there is still a shadow of loss and hunger lurking. I worry it might grow quicker than I know what to do with.