1 January 1642

It was freezing cold today. I sat by the fire the whole day with Button curled up in my lap and read. I know I should be hunting, but if I went too far from the fire my fingers felt numb. It's almost remarkable, how damned cold it was today.

I suppose I can afford to take a holiday. I'll take one day to huddle inside by the fire, and tomorrow I'll go out hunting again. I know there was enough for me to miss one day, last time I was in the village. We're not as hungry as last year, or the year before. And I think Meulin was right. If I get sick, I can't take care of anyone else.

3 January 1642

I saw Karkat in the village today and he looked alright. There's a look people have when they have a fever, and he looked perfectly healthy. I hope it's nothing serious. I don't have the knowledge or skills our mama did or Meulin does. I can't fix people that way. I can keep people fed and warm, but I can't fix their illnesses.

I don't have the stomach for midwife work. I do what I can, but that's not one of my skills. I'm alright with that, I think. Goodness knows no one can be good at everything.

5 January 1642

The pine tree has sprouted! It's a tiny green shoot right now, hardly more than a stem, but it's growing! I gave it a little more water today and checked to make sure it looks alright. The top part looks like a little lace-knit hat with a puff on top. It's lovely. I've grown plants in pots before, but this pine tree will last longer than any of the herbs or flowers I've grown before. It's going to go out into the woods and be part of the place I grew up. It's going to be important.

7 January 1642

I brought food to the village and I noticed the fire in the church was burning low. I asked Reverend Maxwell and he said they were low on firewood. So I'm going to bring some of the firewood from the pine tree into town. I have plenty to last the winter, and I don't anyone to get cold. I'm sure a blizzard will blow up soon, and I'd swear each winter is colder than the last. Mama said the winters have been getting colder since she was a little girl. I hope everyone can be warm this winter.

9 January 1642

The firewood helped, I think. Kanaya said people do need it, almost as much as they need food. Aradia's family is keeping their sheep in the barn most of the time, so everyone can keep each other warm. Damara's still acting strange, but she seemed a bit more present today. When we were petting the sheep and telling them they were good sheep, as we do, Damara was with us.

"This one's Socks, and this one's Dewdrop, and this one's Snowdrop," she said, so quiet I could hardly hear her.

"Did you name all of them?" I asked.

"Aradia named half and I named half," she said.

"How do you tell them apart?" I asked.

"They look different," she said simply. "The same way you tell people apart. Excuse me."

And then she left. I don't know why she left, or what's going through her head, but I'm glad to see her a bit happier. Aradia seemed happy about it, too, although she's happy about most things these days. I don't know Damara very well, but I don't want anyone to suffer, and I hope she's alright.

11 January 1642

I asked Kanaya today if the Vantases were doing alright.

"As far as I know they are. Why do you ask?" she said.

Our mama always said not to gossip, that people come to us for help knowing their secrets will be kept. So I said, "I just have a feeling."

"Hm. Why don't you ask?" she asked.

"Because Karkat doesn't want to talk to me," I said, because I think it is pretty obvious.

She made a face at that and said, "I'll ask him. Are you doing alright?"

"Yes," I said. "I'm worried about Meulin."

"I'm sure she'll be alright," she said.

"I know she will be, but she looked ill last I saw her," I said. "I hope she writes soon."

"I'm sure she will," she said, with much more confidence than I've ever had.

I hope she does write soon. I'm worried.

13 January 1642

The first big blizzard of the year blew up today. I couldn't leave the house, so I worked on my knitting instead while Button purred away in my lap. It can feel very lonely, just me in the house. Nowadays I go into the village and see my friends, or people come to see me, and I don't feel very alone most days. But I was alone in my house, and no one could get to me, and I couldn't get out. I sometimes have the feeling that I could vanish and no one would notice for days, or even weeks. Even Button can mostly fend for herself.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I have a good home, and enough to eat, and I'm warm in the winter. That's more than some people can say. I do like living alone. I just wish it wasn't so lonely.

15 January 1642

It took all day, but I cleared the path to town. It must've snowed at least a foot! When I got home, I was drenched with melted snow and shivering all over. I took a warm bath and it felt heavenly. It felt very good to crawl into bed and settle in with Button for a good night's sleep. I'm always sleepier in the winter, and a long day of hard work makes that even harder.

17 January 1642

I brought meat and firewood into the village today. Kanaya took the food, and Reverend Maxwell took the firewood. The new homes are really lovely. Even though they look new, they don't stand out or look odd. They fit right in, as if they'd always been there. It's comforting. We lost a lot, and we're building it back.

It took years to build up the village, and an hour to knock it down. It will take us years to build it back up. We'll get there.

19 January 1642

Equius was home today, so he came to my home and we had tea. I told him how I'm worried about Linny, and he frowned very seriously.

"You say her husband is stopping her mail?" he asked.

"We think so. I guess she can't be sure, but that's her best guess," I said.

"My goodness. How terrible," he said, looking down at his cup.

"I'm just so worried. How can I know she's even still alive?" I fretted.

"I think the best thing you can do is be prepared," he said slowly. "Your sister is smart and capable. I think she will find her way, and you can be there to help her."

"I know she can handle it," I said. "I just wish I could help her."

"Of course," he said gently. "One can't help but care about a loved one. That is, I imagine, the entire point. I worried about you. I still do, oftentimes."

"I'm fine, Equius," I said, feeling a bit annoyed. I'm not a child.

"I know you can survive well enough on your own," he said. "You are a skilled hunter and gardener; you can sew and knit; you keep this house very well. But you are my friend, and so when I hear of hardships you have experienced, I am sad for you, and I worry for you."

"I worry about you, too," I said. "Do you like school?"

"I like what I am learning," he said.

"Are you alright there? Your feelings, I mean," I said.

"I think they would not be if I could not come back and see you and my family," he admitted.

"You can write whenever you want," I said. "And you're always welcome here."

"I know," he said. "Thank you."

"Thank you," I said. I'll always have someone with me, and I'll always be there for him. My family isn't just Mama and Linny and Button.

21 January 1642

There was another snowstorm today, although it wasn't as bad as the earlier one. I was worried I'd have to go out to the well, because I didn't have water like last time. But in the end, I just collected snow in my pots and melted it over the fire, and it was plenty. For all we need food and warmth in the winter, at least we're never thirsty.

23 January 1642

I don't always like the cold, but the winter can be awfully beautiful. I know Mama liked the winter, too. She used to tell us that everything was beautiful if you looked at it right. There are some very lovely poems about snow and the winter.

I've been reading more poetry lately. Most of the poetry is low enough on the shelves that I could've read it when I was younger, but I didn't much care for it then. I still sometimes don't. I think it's better to simply say what you mean, generally. But the point of poetry is the beauty of the words and the language, so I enjoy it for what it is. And now that I'm no longer ten years old, I feel the words in my heart. It's nice.

26 January 1642

I got a letter from Linny today! I know it was from her because it was her handwriting and her signature. She puts a little flourish on the M in her name. It wasn't about much. She asked how I was, and asked if the seal was still on. I'm not sure why she'd ask. It was a strange letter-short and vague, and asking about the seal. I don't think she's ever really sealed letters to me before.

So I wrote her back and asked what was going on. I suppose it has something to do with her husband stopping her mail, so I'm not sure how I got this one. I guess she found some way to sneak letters out. I hope she gets my letter back.

28 January 1642

It snowed again today, but it wasn't a storm. It was just a gentle snow. So I went out to the river to slide around on the ice. I haven't done that it a very long time. Mama said when she was younger they had ice skates, but she sold them a long time ago. I've always just gone out on the river with my boots and skated that way. Ice skates are expensive! We don't have that kind of money.

It's kind of nice not having so many people to feed. Of course I'll still be hunting all winter and bringing food into the village, but I felt alright to take an hour to play on the ice.

I'll have to bring Equius out to the river next time he's home. I think he'd like it out here. It's lovely and peaceful and the world feels both tiny and huge all at once. The forest could go on forever, but at the same time, it's just me. It's a strange feeling.

30 January 1642

The pine tree is growing well, I think. I've never grown a tree from seed before, so it's going as well as I could hope. It's still green and fresh-looking, and the little cage of needles has opened into a star shape. It looks like a pine tree now. I think I'll give it a bit longer before I move it out into the clearing, though. Of course I can't move it until the ground thaws, but I think I might keep it inside another year. I want it to be ready before I send it out into the world. I don't want the tree to die because I let it go too early.

1 February 1642

Equius was home today! We went out to the river to slide around on the ice and he actually laughed! He can be so serious, but today when he slipped and fell on the ice he laughed. I think his responsibilities weigh heavy on him.

We went back to my home and had tea after that to warm up. He told me he's learning lots of things about building and how different kinds of stone are good for different things. He showed me another one of his drawings. It was amazing-covered in these beautiful curly decorations and so sharp and precise. He also asked if we could practice shooting tomorrow, and I told him of course. I think he feels differently about shooting than I do. I like it and all, but he takes it so seriously. I don't know why. Maybe it's because his father never taught him.

3 February 1642

Horuss came to visit today. He does that sometimes. Sometimes it's just to get more medicine for his father, but sometimes he comes by just to check on me. I know Meulin and him weren't getting along when she got married, but he still worries about us. His father promised our mama that he'd check up on us and make sure we were alright.

I wonder about them, sometimes. Mama told us she was raised by a merchant's wife, and her mother-the one who "raised" her, not the one who loved her-wanted her to marry upwards. But the Zahhaks are a lot wealthier than that. They have land, for goodness' sakes. How did our mama ever meet Mr. Zahhak? They were friends when they were children, she says. How did that come to be?

5 February 1642

I went for a walk today, to check on the snowdrops and enjoy the forest. I didn't bring my bow and arrows so instead I remembered when I was younger and I'd play pretend in these woods. It felt like seeing the world through new eyes. I pretended there were fairies in the trees and mermaids in the river and ghosts haunting the old foundation past the creek. I pretended the river was the entire ocean and there was hidden treasure in the clearings and secrets up every tree.

When did I stop playing like that? Our mama always said I had a good imagination. She said I could be a storyteller or an artist. I haven't imagined in so long.

7 February 1642

I don't think of myself as someone people look up to. But today when I went into the village, I met Mrs. Reese and their little daughter, Anna. Anna looked up at me with big eyes and asked if she could come see the kittens.

"I gave the kittens away. But you can come see Button," I offered.

She grinned big. "Thank you! I wanna have a cat when I grow up. Mama says if I'm very good maybe you can teach me to shoot when I'm grown up!"

I was so surprised I didn't know what to say for a moment.

"Of course," I said. "When you're old enough, if you want to learn, I can teach you."

"Yay!" she said. "Can we come see Button tomorrow?"

I nodded. "Yes. I'll make sure I'm home."

"Thank you," Mrs. Reese said. Anna went off to examine a butterfly and Mrs. Reese added, "She looks up to you."

"Really? I'm only eighteen."

"Oh, she says she wants you to be her big sister. It's sweet-as long as you don't mind."

"I don't," I said. "Just come by whenever you please."

"Thank you," she said. "Now, how've you been?"

We talked a bit longer before we both had to be on our ways. It's strange, seeing a little girl look up to me like that. I'm not sure what to think of it.

9 February 1642

Equius was home from school today and we just had tea. I could tell something was on his mind, so I asked.

"My father is…very keen for me to find a wife," he said.

"You're only eighteen, though," I said. Men usually have until they're twenty-five or so to marry.

"Yes. But my brother is yet to marry, and he wishes one of us to marry before he passes," he explained.

"Well, I'm sure you have time. And we know plenty of kind women," I pointed out.

"I am expected to marry a woman of social standing," he said. "My father has offered Terezi and Vriska as the lowest-class women I could marry."

"Terezi and Vriska?" I asked, shocked. "But…isn't Terezi going to school? And Vriska…my goodness."

"I do not wish to marry either of them," he said. "I wanted to let you know because my father may insist I use my weekends to meet other women."

"I see," I said. I felt for a moment like I was going to cry. I know Equius would rather spend his weekends with me, having tea and shooting and all that, but I suppose I always knew he'd have to marry. I suppose I just hoped we had more time to be friends.

I know we'll still be friends after he marries, but it will be different. We're getting older. I suppose I always knew it would happen.

11 February 1642

In the village today my friends talked about marriage, too. It came up because of how Kanaya's still in love with Rose.

"My father expects me to find a suitable man," she sighed, annoyed. "And here I am, in love with a woman."

"What about Rose's family?" I asked.

"Oh, Rose's mother doesn't care one jot. She's…well, you've heard the rumors," Kanaya said.

"I've heard she's a bit of a lush," Aradia said.

"She does enjoy a drink," Kanaya said. "I suspect she is a bit…unaware of the whole situation." Kanaya is very delicate about how she says things. "Perhaps I'll simply become a nun. My sister has been joking about that going on five or six years now."

"My parents want me to marry as soon as possible," Aradia said. "They don't think Damara ever will, so I have to."

"This is all so complicated," I said. "I doubt Linny cares much what I do, as long as I'm alright. And Mama always told me she just wanted me to be happy."

"Well, you have to think about who will support you," Kanaya said practically. "I would like to spend my life with Rose, but we both need to eat."

I'm lucky that way. Mama taught Meulin and me to hunt and garden so we'd never have to depend on someone else. "I'm glad I don't have to think about that," I said.

"I suppose Damara and I will inherit the farm. We don't have any brothers," Aradia said idly. "I wouldn't mind herding sheep the rest of my life, I think."

"And when you're too old to chase sheep around?" Kanaya pointed out.

"I suppose I'll die a quiet death of winter fever or somesuch," Aradia said. "Everyone dies someday, after all!"

"Indeed," Kanaya agreed. I suppose most of us are used to Aradia's morbid jokes by now.

I don't think much about being old, too old to hunt or garden. I suppose I hope Meulin's children will take care of me, too. And I suppose I've helped out old people who don't have children. We don't let each other starve.

13 February 1642

I got a letter today from Equius. He said he won't be able to come see me this Saturday because his father wants him to meet a woman. He said he can see me Sunday but not Saturday. I'll still see my dearest friend, but I feel lonely thinking about not having the whole weekend together.

I should go into the village more. I don't as much in the winter, when it's cold and snowy, but I get so lonely out here. It can feel like I'm the only person in the world. Button is sweet and good company, but she's a cat. I talk to her sometimes but she'll never talk back.

I like being alone, usually. Goodness knows I'm glad I have my own room. But it can get awfully lonely living with no one else.

15 February 1642

I had another nightmare last night about having to move to a new home. I've had those ever since I came to live with Mama. In the dream, someone tells me we have to move to a new house. I don't know why it scares me so badly, but it always does. Sometimes we move to a castle, or a hut, or I just wake up in a new house. It doesn't matter where we go, just that we're leaving.

I think I've had them more since Linny moved away. I don't think they'll ever really go away.

17 February 1642

I wrote Meulin today to ask her what she thought about getting married. With all my friends thinking about it and talking about it, I thought I'd ask one person I know who is married. I'm turning nineteen this year, so I'd be expected to be married in the next five years or so. It seems like a lot of time, but I don't think it will be. When I was eight years old and Mama told me I could read the books on the top shelf when I was taller in five years, I thought that time would never come. And yet somehow it did. Right now I feel like I'll never be twenty-three, but I'm sure it'll happen before I know it.

It's hard to wrap my head around, sometimes. I know time is passing and I'm getting older every day, but I don't feel it. I don't feel older on my birthdays. I don't feel eight years old anymore, but I hardly feel eighteen, either. It's all very strange.

19 February 1642

There was another blizzard today. It wasn't as dramatic as the January ones, but I couldn't leave the house. I stayed inside with Button and sat by the fire and worked on a needlepoint. I like needlepoint. Meulin hates it. She says it's tedious and boring. But I like working hard on something and having something beautiful at the end. And it's nice to have something to do with my hands. I'd go mad without anything to do.

Button's been finding more mice in the house than usual. I wonder if it's because it's winter, or because there's only us two in the house now. She's a very good mouser, so I'm not worried. I don't think there will be too many for her to handle.

21 February 1642

I went into the village today and talked with my friends. Vriska and Terezi were in town together today, so we talked with them, too. Vriska still makes me nervous. I don't know why. Something about the way she speaks makes me feel she's not trustworthy. Anyways, she mentioned that her father would be delighted if she married Equius and she plans to do no such thing.

"I'm not going to marry," she said. "No man is going to hold me back. I'm going out to sea, like my aunt."

"Wasn't your aunt captured?" I asked.

"Yes, she was, and she escaped! She's even willing to take me on as an apprentice," Vriska bragged. "There are more women pirates than you'd think."

"Living on the seas like that must be so exciting!" Aradia said dreamily. "Oh, I'd love to go traveling. You know, my Aunt Dorothy went all the way to Austria once! Aunt Hannah, my missing aunt, followed her. It sounds like a wonderful adventure!"

"It is going to be an adventure," Vriska declared. "And I'm going to be rich. No one can stop you doing what you want when you're rich."

"No one's stopping you now," I pointed out.

"No one except my mother, my father, my grandparents, my sister, everyone else in my family, the entire village…" she listed. "You have no idea how hard it is to come from a family like mine," she added, sounding terribly dramatic.

I thought, but didn't say, that I certainly did and there was a reason Linny and I ran away. I suppose I understand why Vriska would also want to run away, but I can't imagine wanting to be a pirate.

"At least your aunt is still alive," Terezi said. "All I have is my aunt's notes."

"I don't want to be like my mother and father," I said. "I hope I'm like my mama."

"I hope I'm like my Aunt Dolora," Kanaya said. "My father thinks highly of her and Aunt Barbara doesn't like her, so I want to be like her." The longer Kanaya's Aunt Barbara lives with her family, the less Kanaya likes her.

"I'm sure you will be," I said. "We get to choose who we're going to be like."

"I hope so," Terezi said.

I want to be someone smart and creative and independent and caring, like my mama was. I know I'm good at the things I do, and I've been managing on my own for a while. I hope I can keep doing it.

23 February 1642

I saw Equius today, but I think we had a fight. He was worried about me, like he usually is. He asked me if I'm eating enough and sleeping and keeping warm.

"I am, Equius, like I am every time you ask me," I said.

"I worry," he said simply. "You are very dear to me."

"I know you do, but I'm not a child. I don't need someone looking after me," I said.

"Only last year you fell ill from not taking care of yourself," he said tartly. "You will have to pardon me for asking, especially as we reach the end of winter."

"You ask every time!" I said. "I don't need your help to take basic care of myself."

"I rather think sometimes you do," he said.

"I'm eighteen! And I'm managing much better than you every could on your own," I pointed out.

"I am doing just fine," he said.

"You can't cook," I said. "Or hunt, or sew, or knit. I'd beat you in that any day!"

"I have no need to cook," he said. "If you do not need me, perhaps I should go."

"Go ahead," I said. "I don't need you or anybody! I'm not a child!"

"And neither am I!" he said-yelled. He doesn't yell. "I have plenty to do-I do not need your company."

And he left. I don't know what to do. He's my best friend and I love him, but I don't need anybody taking care of me! I'm eighteen and I can survive just fine on my own. And I guess he doesn't need me either, what with his education and getting a new bride and all that. I don't need him and he doesn't need me. We're just fine.

25 February 1642

I went hunting today but I couldn't focus very well. Normally I feel very calm and focused when I'm hunting and it's easy to sit with myself. Today I couldn't stop thinking about Equius. He's my best friend and I yelled at him. And he yelled at me! He treats me like a child sometimes and I wish he wouldn't, but I don't think I should've yelled at him. And I also don't think he should've gotten mad at me! I tried to tell him something was bothering me and he acted like it was nothing. I don't need anyone to treat me like a child. I'm an adult. I don't need anyone.

27 February 1642

I went to talk to my friends today. I don't like to ask advice, but I think I needed to. I saw Kanaya and Aradia and Terezi. Vriska wasn't there, which I'm glad for. She's not always very nice.

"Equius and I had a fight," I said. "He was treating me like a child, and I'm not. But then I said some mean things too."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kanaya said.

"I just don't know what to say," I said.

"You could say sorry," Aradia suggested.

"But he was wrong," I said. "I'm not going to apologize because I didn't like how he was treating me. I don't know. I guess I should apologize for what I said…" I'm not always good at these things.

"You'll work it out," Aradia said. "It'll all be fine."

"I hope so," I said.

"Oh, we all lose our tempers sometimes," she said lightly. "Look, how about we do something else, take your mind off it?"

"Let me tell you about this new case I'm studying!" Terezi said. "It's about inheritance law, which is a complete mess in this country, let me tell you. So there's this man who has three sons and they're supposed to divide his estate evenly…"

And she told us about another completely absurd case that a judge actually had to listen to. Inheritance law does seem awfully complicated. I don't think Mama had a will-Linny and I just inherited everything because we're her daughters.

2 March 1642

Equius came by today and we talked, but things felt different. It was like we were talking through a window-like we were separated somehow, even if we couldn't see what it was. I wanted to say something but I wasn't sure what. We went out and practiced shooting and had tea and it all just felt…distant.

I hope it isn't ruined forever. I love Equius and I don't want to lose him. I think people are usually good and I don't think he meant to hurt me, even though he did. I just don't know what to say to fix it. Equius is one of the only people I understand. What if he never forgives me? Or what if he doesn't apologize and I can't forgive him? I want to, but I also don't want him to keep treating me like a child. I don't know. This all feels so complicated.

4 March 1642

I got a letter from Linny today. She didn't say much, so I don't think she's well. Normally Linny can talk a mile a minute, and her old letters were always long and full of news. These letters, even the ones I know for sure are from her because they're in her hand, and short and sparse. I don't know if she doesn't have much to say or if she's trying to keep something hidden. I don't think it's the first one, so I'm worried it's the second. I'm not always good at understanding people, but I know my sister. Something's wrong.

6 March 1642

I miss Equius. I know that sounds mad, because I saw him just a few days ago, but it wasn't the same. He's my best friend and I've always been able to trust him. He comes to me with all the problems he has and I come to him with mine. We take care of each other. I've always been able to trust him. Even when I wasn't able to tell Meulin things, I've always been able to tell Equius.

I want to make things better, but I don't know what to say.

8 March 1642

I walked out to the pond today. I hunted on the way back, but on the way there I just enjoyed the walk. The creek is high right now with the snow melting, and it's colder than ever. It almost hurt to put my feet in the pond. But the springs are still there, still bubbling away. I've never really come out here in the winter, but someday I'd like to and see if the spring works in the winter. I hope it does.

10 March 1642

Equius didn't come see me at all this weekend, and I missed him terribly. I think I almost missed him more than I missed Linny when she left. I knew when she left that Meulin would come back. I always knew deep down that she would come back for me. She's my sister. And when Mama passed, it was a different kind of missing. It was permanent, and I knew she didn't want to leave us. With Equius, I don't know if he'll ever come back. I don't know if he hates me, if he'll never forgive me. I want to forgive him. I want things to be alright again. I want my best friend back.

13 March 1642

The snowdrops are coming back. They're usually the first flowers to bloom up again in the spring, and they're the first sign that the winter is ending. When I see the snowdrops, I know the plants will come back soon.

Speaking of plants, my evergreen tree is growing well in its little pot. It looks like a little pine branch sticking out of the pot. I've started to talk to it sometimes, telling it it's a good little tree and it's going to grow up to be an important part of the forest. I know it can't hear me, but I talk to my plants nonetheless. I like to pretend my plants benefit from my talking to them. I like to imagine they can hear me and they're glad someone is telling them how good they are.

15 March 1642

Equius did come by today, to my immense relief. But it was still awkward and strange and wrong. We weren't talking like we used to, like we always have. He asked if I had enough and I told him yes, like always. I know he worries. I can't blame him for worrying. I've been on my own since I was sixteen.

I just don't know. Maybe I'll ask Linny. I've been talking to Button lately, but she's no help with these things. She'll curl up in my lap and purr away, or fall asleep with me at night, but she won't offer me advice. She's just a cat. But I am glad I have her.

17 March 1642

I went down to the river today. It was swollen with the rain and snow, going faster than ever. The river moves at a good clip most of the time, but during the spring it's the fastest. I don't go swimming this time of year. It's too cold for swimming, but also the current would carry me away.

I sat on the banks and rested my feet in the water for a while. I like the cold water. It feels calming. It's like how things slow down in the winter. My mind can slow down when I put my feet in the cool water. With how much I've been worrying I think I need to slow down a bit.

19 March 1642

We had another frost today. I swear every year the last frost comes later. I started the plants inside in pots where they can be warm. I'll move them outside once I'm sure it's warm enough. I don't want my plants to get cold. They're like Button-they're mine to take care of, and I want to take care of them the best that I can.

Hopefully the flowers in the flower garden start to grow soon, too. They make the front of the house look bright and welcoming, and I planted them. When I see the flowers come back, I feel like I've done something that's going to last.

21 March 1642

I hope Equius comes by this weekend. I think I'm simply going to have to gather up all my courage and talk to him. I think I will apologize. I said some unkind things and that was unfair of me. I just hope he'll say sorry too and we can be friends like we used to. I miss him.

23 March 1642

Equius did come by today. As soon as he was inside, I said, "I'm sorry I said those things to you. It wasn't fair of me."

He looked like he was going to fall to pieces with relief. "I am sorry, too. I do not wish to treat you as a child. But you did fall ill from overwork. I cannot help but worry," he said.

"I promise I learned my lesson. And I'm not taking care of anyone but myself now. I don't blame you for worrying, but…everyone else treats me like I don't know what I'm doing," I said.

"I think you are highly capable," he said. "You're intelligent and thoughtful and skilled with your bow. But you are right. I should treat you as such."

"Thanks," I said. "You're my best friend and I love you."

"You are my dearest friend and I love you too," he said.

"Are we alright, then?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Then let's have tea," I said. It was a bit awkward at first, but I think things are going to be alright between us. We're going to be just fine.

26 March 1642

I haven't heard from Linny a little while. She's started to write sometimes again, but I don't expect to hear from her all that often. I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. It's hard to explain, but she doesn't sound right in her letters. They aren't like the letters from the scribe, which didn't sound like her at all. These ones sound like her for the most part, but just…wrong.

I don't know how to ask, if I even should. She's my sister, but she doesn't usually talk about her worries with me. I don't know if she'd want to talk about it with me.

28 March 1642

Springtime is always a relief. I went into the village today to see Aradia's lambs and Tavros's calves. They're the sweetest little things, and they're full of promise. There are children underfoot in the square and babies squalling in the shops and green thing sprouting from the ground, and we're going to be alright. We're going to survive. I never know if this winter will be my last, or if it will be the last for someone I love. I never know if I'm going to let someone go hungry or cold. When the spring comes and I can pet the little lambs that have somehow grown in the cold winter, I feel like things will be alright.

Tavros says his legs are worse in the winter. He can chase the cows when it's warm out, but in the winter his brother tends the animals and he stays inside. He asked me if I could teach him to spin. I was surprised, because that's women's work, but Tavros has never much cared about such things. Kanaya and I said we'd love to show him when he has a free moment. It'll be fun to spin with my friends!

30 March 1642

Equius came to see me today and he seemed so very tired. I made the tea Mama used to give people when they're worried, with chamomile and a little honey, and asked him what was wrong.

"I think I am a disappointment to my father," he said.

"How could you be? You're great," I said. "You're in school!"

"I have not yet picked a wife," he said.

"We're only eighteen. You'd want to be established before you marry," I pointed out.

"My father wishes me to pick a woman now who I will marry when I am finished with school and such," he said.

"I thought it was your brother's job to have an heir," I said.

"It is. But my father wishes both of us to have children. I think he wishes us to be happy. I do not think he understands that this is not the path to happiness for me. At least not right now," he said.

"You'll make the choice that's best for you," I said. "And I'm always here for you. I'm not sure I want to get married myself."

"Really?" he asked.

I nodded and said, "I like being by myself, and I…I don't know. I'm just not sure I want that for myself."

"We have time to determine such things," he said. "And I am here for you, no matter what you choose to do."

"Thanks, Equius. You're a good friend," I said.

He blushed faintly. "Thank you. You are too," he said.

I've never really told anyone besides maybe Linny that I'm not sure I want to marry. I suppose I always knew he'd be there for me, but it's still a relief to hear it. And it's good to know I'm not the only person my age feeling a bit unsure about my future. I don't know what I want yet. All I know for sure is that I want to keep the people I love close to me. Beyond that, who knows where my life will go?