1 April 1642

Kankri came to my home again today to ask for fever medicine. I told him I could come check on whoever it was who was ill, if he liked, and he told me no thank you. I'm no midwife but if someone is sick I want to help them. And I suspect the Vantases can't afford the physician. Karkat and Kankri were both born out of wedlock, like Mama's husband, and I know their family has struggled.

I'd like to help, but they don't seem to want my help.

3 April 1642

I asked Kanaya about the Vantas family today again.

"Are the Vantases doing alright?" I asked.

"As far as I know," she said carefully. "Why do you ask?"

I don't want to gossip, but I am worried, so I said, "Don't tell anyone else this."

"I won't," she promised.

"Kankri has come to me for medicine a couple of times. I'm just worried about them," I said.

"I think Mr. Vantas is unwell," Kanaya said. "I've been seeing less of Karkat, and when I do see him, he seems…preoccupied."

"Do you think there's anything we can do to help?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. Everyone has to sort out their own problems, I think," she said.

I nodded. "Alright. Well, if you or him ever need anything, just come find me," I said.

"Thank you," she said. "I've got to get back to my chores. Come back soon!"

"I will," I promised.

I'm not sure there's much I can do if they don't want my help. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

5 April 1642

I told Equius today how I'm worried about the Vantases while we were out shooting. The weather's warm enough that we can stay outside for more than an hour.

"I hope they're alright," I said. "I don't know what else I can do."

"You will do all you can," he said.

"I suppose. I don't know that much medicine," I said. "Mama would know what to do. I bet Meulin would, too."

"We cannot all be skilled in every subject," he said. "I think by now it is clear that I will never surpass you in archery."

"Thanks, Equius," I said.

I am still better at shooting than he is, but he's very good too. Sometimes he gets nervous about accidentally hurting me or someone else, but there's no one around in these woods for him to hurt. He says his father always told him to be careful because bows and arrows are dangerous. I suppose they are, but mostly if you don't know what you're doing. You could hurt someone with them, but as long as you watch where you're pointing it, it seems unlikely.

But then, as children Linny and I had to be told not to touch the fire or knives. I would not want a child running around with a bow and arrow unaccompanied!

7 April 1642

I can't stop worrying about Linny, either. I keep wondering what on Earth could be happening to her. She said she had to sneak out to see me. I know something's wrong. We never knew our mama's husband, but she talked about him and I've known other happy couples. A person with a good husband does not act like my sister has been acting.

I wish I could help her. I don't know if there's anything I can do, though. I'm just me. I'm not rich or powerful, and I'm only eighteen.

I think I'm going to write her. I'll just tell her I love her and she can always come back here and she deserves to be happy. I don't want to tell her what to do, but I do want to be there for her right now.

9 April 1642

Aradia said she's going to have a party for her birthday. She said next Saturday, the nineteenth, she'd love for all of us to come to her home in the barn and we can have sweets and celebrate. She said it was to celebrate another year of life, and another year closer to death. I'm glad Aradia is happy again, living rather than walking around like a ghost. I don't know how I feel about the morbid jokes. I know everyone dies, but I don't like thinking about it.

11 April 1642

It was awfully cold today for April. It reminds me of the first day I was alone in the old castle, where Linny and I used to live. She left in March and I was alone for almost a month. I knew she was gone. She'd told me she was going to run away and that I should follow her when I could. I asked her how I could find her, and she said she'd tell me once I was out. She said she'd find me.

I don't know how long I thought it would take, but I was only seven. A month felt like forever. I was so frightened and so alone. Miss Leon tried, but she was my tutor, not my sister.

Sometimes living alone feels like that. I don't even have a tutor this time. Usually I like it a lot. I can do what I please and sing the old ballads as loud and long as I want. But sometimes it feels lonely and cold.

13 April 1642

I went to visit Mama's grave today. I know that wherever she is in Heaven, she doesn't need me to keep her from feeling lonely. It still makes me feel better to visit her sometimes. I love Mama and I want to remember her always. The forget-me-nots are starting to come into bloom. They come back every year, without my help, and they keep Mama and her family safe. I hope wherever she is now, she's safe and comfortable as if she were sleeping on a bed of flowers.

15 April 1642

I went hunting most of today and got plenty of food. The green things are beginning to grow again, but we still need food until the weather gets a bit warmer. I brought some specially to the Reeses and the Portlands, and Mrs. Portland asked me to stay for dinner. I like them, so I said yes. I helped Mrs. Portland cook their dinner and then we sat around their table by the fire and had a lovely meal. The Portlands are such kind people. Mrs. Portland is one of those old ladies in the village who wants to take care of everyone else. And Mr. Portland has all sorts of delightful stories of the nonsense he got up to as a young man. Mr. Portland even wanted to walk me home, because the sun was going down when I was leaving. I told him I'd be fine, because I didn't want him to walk home alone along that forest path when he doesn't know it as well. It was a good day.

17 April 1642

I went to explore a little bit more across the river. Since we fixed up the rope bridge I've wanted to explore more of the forest. Maybe I could make a map of it, or make my own trails. I think Mama crossed the bridge a few times, but she says she never went too far. I want to go further than anyone else has been.

Maybe I should invite my friends to come with me. I've been exploring alone lately. We've been spending less time together since we started getting older. I miss my friends sometimes. It's just that sometimes I don't want to see anyone else. Sometimes I just want to be alone. I don't know what the perfect balance is. I hope I can find it one of these days.

19 April 1642

Today was Aradia's party, and Equius was there too! It was such fun to spend the whole day with my friends like that. We had some mutton, of course, because that's what they have at the Megido's farm, and we all brought something to share. Equius brought some pastries, even! I just brought the bread I usually bake. Aradia's family is still living in their barn with their sheep, for now, so we had our party outside. It was still cold, but with all of us together it felt warm. And we had warm things to drink. It was just lovely.

I think Equius is mostly over liking Aradia. He held a conversation with her wishing her a happy birthday, something he could never have done when he was in love with her. Considering that she's got her heart set on Sollux, I suppose it's for the better.

21 April 1642

I tried baking a new kind of bread today with herbs in it. It turned out very well! I wrote the recipe down in our recipe book so I'd remember and so I could show other people. I'm very glad Mama taught me to write. My memory is good, and I can remember stories and recipes, but if I write it down I know I can't lose it. And then I can give it to my children, and their children, and we'll still have it in hundred years.

I'm also glad that I can keep my journal. It helps to be able to write out my thoughts so I can organize them, make them make sense. It helps me to understand myself and other people, too. It helps.

24 April 1642

Karkat was at the party, but today I saw him in the village today and he was in a terrible hurry. I wanted to ask what was wrong, but when I went to talk to him he just rushed away. I'm a little annoyed that he'd come to me for help at my home and then ignore me around other people. It's hurtful. I know I'm a bit odd, but I think I've earned some respect from people in town. Even if I hadn't, he shouldn't be rude to me.

And I'm still worried about their family. Something is wrong for them, and I wish I knew what. I wish I could help.

26 April 1642

Equius came over today, so I asked him about Aradia.

"You used to like her," I said. "Do you still?"

He thought about it for a moment, then said, "I do not think so. She is a kind and intelligent person, and I respect her as a friend. However…I do not think I love her as one loves a spouse."

"Well, that's probably good. She's in love with Sollux still, I think," I said.

"Is she," he said quietly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I think he has been friendly lately with Feferi," he said.

"Really? Tell me everything!" I said, leaning forward.

"I do not know much," he cautioned. "But I saw Eridan, and he told me that Feferi has been speaking fondly of Sollux. I have the sense he is jealous."

"There's no way Feferi and Eridan are going to get married, though," I said. "Not with Meenah and Cronus."

"I have no doubt he knows that," Equius said. "He seemed…despairing, frankly."

"That's too bad," I said. "But…oh, don't tell anyone."

"I won't," he promised.

"I don't like Eridan very much. I don't think Feferi would be happy with him," I said.

He nodded. "I…I rather think I agree," he said.

I'm glad he's not pining for Aradia. I wouldn't want to see him get his heart broken. I don't think she ever liked him much, and I wouldn't…I wouldn't want him to feel what I felt, when Karkat told me he didn't like me. I don't want anyone to feel like that.

28 April 1642

I saw the Reeses today when I was in the village. James and Anna are getting to be quite grown up! Mrs. Reese laughed when I asked where James was and told me he was off with his friends. He's old enough now that the mothers take turns watching the littles ones play in the fields together. Anna's still small enough that she clings to her mother's skirts when they're out. They invited me for dinner sometime, so I'll be seeing them in a couple of weeks for Sunday dinner. I'm looking forward to it!

30 April 1642

I got another letter today from my sister. I'm more worried than ever. She asked me if I really meant it, that I'd be happy to have her home. She sounded so sad and lonely. Something is very wrong with her. How could she not know that I would love to see her again? Why does she need to ask? She's my sister. Of course she's welcome to come back.

I wrote her back and told her that of course she was welcome. I also told her that anything she needed, she could ask me. She came back for me, when we were small. She came back for me, even though she didn't have to. She got me out of that terrible place, so our mama could raise us. I'll come back for her, too. I'll get her out of the castle if she needs me to. Whatever is going wrong, I want to help her.

2 May 1642

I can't stop thinking about Linny's letter. I know my sister. We grew up together. Our whole lives, she knew who she was. She was never like me, trying to fit in because I'm different. She had a confidence to her. In her letter, she sounded unsure. Like she hardly knew who she was. I don't know how to explain it, but I know that before this, she would've never asked me if I loved her. She'd just know.

I want to talk to Equius about it, and maybe Kanaya too. I just want to talk to someone. I don't feel that way very often. I suppose that's how I know how worried I am.

4 May 1642

Equius came over today and I told him how worried I am about Meulin. He told me that his father promised our mama that he'd always protect us, and he would do whatever he had to to help my sister. I asked him to tell me if she wrote them, so I'd know. If she doesn't write them, I think I'll suggest it to her. I trust the Zahhaks. They'll help us.

Equius told me, very seriously, that if I was ever in a situation like I think my sister is in, that I could always come to him. He said I'm his best friend and he would always be here for me. I already knew that, but I appreciate him telling me anyways.

6 May 1642

I asked Aradia if she wanted to come exploring with me today. She said of course, so we crossed the river on that old rope bridge and followed a deer path for a while. We found another creek leading to another pond! I've always liked creeks and ponds. Mama said when Linny and I were small she could take us out to the creek and let us play for hours.

Aradia is fun to explore with these days. I'm glad she's not so sad anymore. I'm glad we have the old Aradia back-the one who was happy and fun to be around. I missed her.

8 May 1642

It rained today, harder than I've ever seen it rain before. The thunder shook the whole house. Button isn't usually scared of storms, but she was scared of this one. She curled up on my lap and wouldn't let me get up. She was as pushy as ever about bedtime and cuddled up to me as soon as I was laying down. Poor thing! She's just a cat. She doesn't know that thunderstorms won't hurt us in the house. I gave her lots of petting and attention so she'd know I was going to keep her safe.

11 May 1642

I had dinner with the Reeses today. I brought over some fresh meat and some herbs from the garden. I don't need to feed them anymore, but it feels only polite to bring over something when someone offers you dinner.

Mrs. Reese made a proper Sunday dinner with a roast and everything. It was delicious. I don't think I've ever made anything half so fancy. I asked her if she'd teach me to cook it, and she told me of course. I told her how Mama used to make a roast like that, but she passed away before she taught me how. Mrs. Reese smiled like she wanted to cry and said I should come by any time and she'd teach me.

Mr. Reese said his work has been going well and they're getting a lot of houses built. James and Anna ran around the house, chasing each other, but briefly stopped to say hello. They're cute little things. It's good to see the Reeses. I like them.

13 May 1642

Kankri came by again today for medicine. I asked him again if he wanted me to come see who was ill, just in case something I learned from Mama would be helpful. He told me, again, that they didn't need me to.

I'm not very good at reading people, not like Linny is, but I could tell he was tense. He was like my bow right before I let the arrow go. And he didn't say much. Kankri's always been able to talk a mile a minute, and this time he hardly said anything. I want to help, but I know how hard it can be to get help. I hope they ask soon.

15 May 1642

I tended my flower garden today. The Solomon's seal and delphinium are getting ready to bloom. I checked my notes, and my flowers are blooming later each year. I'm not sure if I should be worried about that. I'm not even sure what I would do if I was worried. Mama said the growing season was longer when she was a child. I wonder if it is getting colder. It might explain why our harvests have been so difficult these past few years.

I don't have a thermometer (I saw that word in a book-it's something that measures temperature), so I can't be sure, but I think it is getting colder.

17 May 1642

I went out to the spring today. Sometimes when everything feels like too much and my skin is prickling, I walk out to the spring and just feel the cold water. It's like how I rub my thumbnail with my first finger sometimes, or get under all my heaviest blankets. The spring helps me feel better. I think it gives me something to focus on.

It's been happening more often, the feeling of everything being too much. I think it's because I'm so worried. I already feel like so much is happening.

19 May 1642

Horuss came to see me today. He doesn't do that very often these days. I asked him why he'd come by and he told me that he'd heard from my sister. He said she asked for help. He also asked if I'd heard from her, so I told him I had. He sounded very relieved when I told him that. He said that if I needed anything I could always come to see him and his family. He also brought some of the nice food and medicine that the Zahhaks can afford that we can't. It's nice of him to do.

21 May 1642

I went to see Kanaya today to talk about my sister. I told her how worried I am, and she told me something like what Equius did. Porrim also got a letter from Meulin. I wouldn't have thought it, but it makes sense. Porrim doesn't trust men. She's a good person to turn to when a man is hurting someone. Kanaya says Meulin asked Porrim (I sometimes think I know too many people) to remind Linny that Kurloz is not good for her.

It hurts my heart to hear that. Linny is my sister and some man is treating her badly. Doesn't he know that she's one of the best people in the world? How can he be treating my sister like that?

Kanaya made me tea and told me it would turn out alright. She's kind like that. I hope she's right.

23 May 1642

It was a long time ago that we got Button. She's almost eleven years old now! She's gotten a bit less rambunctious in her old age, but she is still up to making mischief when she feels like it. She doesn't get into the buttons anymore, but she likes to be underfoot when I'm cooking or play with the yarn when I knit.

One of these days I think I'd like her to have kittens again. At the very least, I want to have a cat when Button dies.

But I don't want to think about that now. She has a few more years left in her, I think.

25 May 1642

Equius came by to see me today. It was nice out, so we practiced shooting for a while and then went inside for tea. He brought over a book he thought I'd like. It was all about how different materials are good for different kinds of building. I'm excited to read it! I asked if he was sure he wouldn't need it, and he said he'd read it twice already and wanted to talk with me about it. I'll read it this week and we can talk about it next weekend, when he's back from school.

He said he's going to go to school for a couple more years and then he'll start working for another architect. Then when he has some practice, he can design buildings on his own. It all sounds very exciting! I'm happy for him.

27 May 1642

I went out with my notebook to write down which flowers are blooming today. I don't know if it's really been getting colder, but I checked my notes and the average day of the first blooms has been getting a bit later since I started writing.

Mama was very proud of my project. She said I had a good head for the sciences. She said if things were different, I could've gone to university. Someday, I think women will be allowed in the university. I don't think I will, and I'm not sure about my daughters and my friends' daughters, but someday. I hope someday everyone who wants to go can.

29 May 1642

Today it was Karkat who came to see me, asking for medicine for an upset stomach. I had some ginger and mint I gave him, and I asked again if there was anything else I could do to help. I asked if they wanted any food or knitwear, but he gruffly told me it was fine and left. He did try to pay me, but I refused. Whatever is happening in his family, I would feel awful charging them for medicine. They'll pay me back someday. It all comes out even in the end. Even if it doesn't, I don't mind. I'm just happy to help my friends and my village.

31 May 1642

Equius came to visit today and we talked about the book. There are an awful lot of different kinds of stone! Some of them are only from one quarry in one part of the country. It makes sense that we build our homes out of wood, and we talked about how different stones are better for different things. I don't know all the things he does about building, but he wasn't rude about it. He's gotten better about things like that.

I'm glad he's my friend.

2 June 1642

It's starting to warm up properly. I went swimming today in the river. It's not as fun alone, but no one else I know swims. If Linny were here we could swim together. Maybe I'll take her when she gets home.

She's going to get home. I haven't heard from her in a while. I'm going to write her tonight. I don't know if it'll help, but I want her to know that I'm here for her. I want her to know that I haven't forgotten her and I'm still here for her.

4 June 1642

Aradia and Tavros and I went exploring together today. Tavros can't cross the rope bridge with his legs like they are, so we stayed on this side of the river. We went to the creek and walked along it for a little while. I thought about bringing them to the spring, but Tavros said his legs were hurting so we went back. I made him some tea with willow to help, and then we sat and talked for a bit.

I've never understood why he doesn't hate Vriska for doing that to him. I'm starting to wonder, though, if it's like with Meulin. Her husband must be mistreating her, and yet she only thought to leave him recently. It must tangle up your mind, loving someone who treats you badly.

Maybe it's for the best Vriska wants to leave the village. I don't think she's good for Tavros.

6 June 1642

I tended my flower garden again today. The flowers are starting to come into their own. All through the summer the flower garden is bright and pretty. Aradia said it makes me home look inviting and happy. I appreciated the compliment, but it was strange hearing her call it my home. It is my home, but it's also Mama's home, and Linny's, and Mama's mother's.

I've been living alone for two years now. It's still a little strange. I like it, but I'm not sure I'll ever really be used to it.

8 June 1642

Equius came to see me today. One of these days I should go to his home and visit him. It's just that his home makes me nervous, I suppose. I was only seven when we left. Linny says she doesn't remember a lot about being a noble girl, but I remember nothing. I don't know how to act in a place like that. I barely fit in with common people in my village. How can I hope to fit in with people who have money and status?

I know the Zahhaks would never hold me to etiquette like that, but I still worry.

10 June 1642

Karkat came to see me again today. This time I made him take some bread with him, and some of the tea Mama made that she said was good for the nerves. He tried to pay me again, even though I've never asked him to. I don't know why he keeps trying. I think it's pretty clear by now that I don't want any payment.

Maybe this is just another way I'm different, not wanting to be paid. But Mama always said she didn't make anyone pay who couldn't afford it, and Meulin did the same. It's something our family does. We take care of people.

12 June 1642

I went to see Terezi and Aradia in the village today. Vriska was there too. Since Terezi is eighteen, and so of age, she said no one can stop her now from studying law. She's going to pretend to be a man and study at the school near us starting in September. She wants to be just like her aunt, except the getting executed part (I hope). Vriska said she's going to wait a couple more years before running off herself. She wrote to her aunt, the pirate one, and her aunt said Vriska can join when she's twenty.

My friends seem to have such big plans for their lives. I don't, not really. I'm going to explore more of the forest. I'll keep hunting. I don't really have a plan beyond that.

14 June 1642

I wonder if I'm doing enough with my life. Mama fought the queen herself to make the world better. My sister was going to use her position to do that. Terezi's going to be a lawyer and Vriska a pirate. What am I going to do, besides tend my flowers? I'm not anybody important. I'm not going to do anything important. Is that enough? Should I do more? I don't know what I'd even do. I just feel like I'm not doing enough.

16 June 1642

The pine tree is starting to grow a bit more in its little pot. I hope in a few years I'll be able to move it to the clearing our old pine tree lived in. Trees grow slowly. This new one won't be as big as the old one was before I go. Maybe my children or their children will see it grow up to its full height.

It's not much, but I suppose it's something that will matter. In a hundred years, there will still be a tree there, because I put it there.

18 June 1642

Kankri came today for medicine again. I made him take bread and tea again, and he also tried to pay me.

"I've told you, you don't have to," I said.

"I know you've said so, however you are doing us a great service and-" he started.

"It's what I do," I said. "Just take the food and medicine."

"My brother insists I try to pay you," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, that's his problem. Come back if you need anything else," I said.

"I-alright," he acquiesced, and he left. I don't know why Karkat of all people would insist on paying me, but maybe he thinks I only do this for friends and he doesn't think of me as a friend. Or maybe he has some sort of sense of honor, not wanting to take anything he can't afford. Or maybe he just doesn't want to be in debt, nevermind that I'd never ask them to pay. I don't know. I just hope they're alright.

21 June 1642

I heard back from Linny today, finally. She still doesn't sound herself, but she told me she has a plan to leave her husband and come back home. She said she's going to make him think she's infertile, and that she knew it all along. Then their marriage can be annulled, because she lied to him, and she can come back.

She said she doesn't know how long it will take, but she will get away. She's going to get their marriage annulled so we can keep our home, and then she's going to come back here and it'll be alright. I hope she's not just saying that for my sake. I'm not the one who needs reassuring right now.

23 June 1642

Karkat came by for medicine again today. He seemed even more worried than usual. He hardly spoke and wouldn't look me in the eye. He just asked for feverfew and elderberries. I asked him if there was anything else I could do and he said no.

I think, maybe, he'd been crying. His face was red and his eyes big and sad like a full moon. I didn't want to bring it up, because boys usually don't want to talk about things like that, but I am worried. Maybe I'll ask Kanaya again.

25 June 1642

I asked Kanaya today when I was in the village, about the Vantases. She said she'd promised not to gossip, but that they were grateful I was giving them food and medicine. I told her that if anything else happened, if they needed something I could provide and weren't asking for, she could always come get me.

We don't gossip about the people who we help, and if we only ask what we need to know. I don't need them to tell me their secrets if they don't want (although I will absolutely listen if they want to tell). I just want to help.

27 June 1642

I found out today what was happening with the Vantases. Today was Mr. Vantas's funeral. Kanaya came to get me so I could be there for the family. I brought food, of course. It was very solemn and quiet. Mr. Vantas can't even be buried anywhere but the unconsecrated part of the churchyard.

I think Karkat and Kankri had been crying, but neither of them would talk to anybody. We all walked them to their home and I left a pot of stew and some of my good bread, and the tea our mama used to drink when the sadness was the heaviest for her.

I haven't been to the Vantas home very much before. It looked in bad shape. I hope it's enough for them. I'll stop by soon with more food and to see if they need anything else. I'm just worried.

29 June 1642

Equius came to visit today. It was a somber kind of visit, because he'd heard about Mr. Vantas. I told him I'm worried about Karkat and Kankri, because their home looked tired and old. He agrees with me, though, that I can't very well go over and fix their roof without their permission. He suggested that they kept trying to pay because they felt awkward taking charity. I'm a bit confused by that. It's not charity, I don't think. It's just that they need something I can give them. It's just what being a good neighbor is, like Mama said and like we read in the Bible.

Anyways, I brought over more bread today just before dark and said if they needed anything else to just ask. Karkat nodded and thanked me before disappearing back inside. I don't know what else to do. It seems so many people I know need help and I can't help them.