1 July 1642

I feel as though I'm going to boil in the heat. It's the kind of day where I can hardly get close enough to the fire to cook. I've been going out hunting nearly every day. I go out in the morning. Then when it's the middle of the day I go to the spring to cool off, and hunt again in the afternoon.

Button's been even lazier than usual, the sweetheart. She just lounges around all day, as far from the fire as possible. I wish I could do that some days. The more I move, the more I feel like I'm going to boil over like milk on the stove.

3 July 1642

I went to Karkat and Kankri's house again today with soup. Karkat looked awful, wan with dark bags under his eyes. He looked like some of the truly sick people Linny helps. Part of me wanted to ask him if he was well, if he needed any medicine. But I didn't want to call attention to it in case he was mourning. I'll ask Kanaya. I remember that after Mama passed away, Linny and I looked sick for weeks. I'm not always good at understanding people, but I know people (men especially) don't like it when you point out they're sad or frightened. So I won't.

5 July 1642

The village was a little more subdued than usual today. It's like that, after a death. We all feel it when we lose someone. Mr. Vantas wasn't a saint or a noble or anything like that, but he was part of our village. He was someone you'd wave to in the square or stop for a talk if you saw him on the road. I hardly knew him, but I still feel the loss.

We'll be alright again someday, but not today.

7 July 1642

I asked Kanaya today if Karkat was ill or grieving.

"I don't think he needs medicine," she said.

"Alright. I don't want to be rude. I just don't want them to get sick if I can help," I said.

"No, I think whatever their father had, it wasn't catching," Kanaya said. "Thanks for your help."

"Of course. They're my friends," I said. "And my neighbors."

Kanaya nodded. "You're a kind person."

"I-I suppose. Thank you. So are you," I said.

"Thank you," she said, nodding acknowledgement.

I've never thought of myself as a kind person, really. I just try to help people.

9 July 1642

I went swimming today. It's just too hot. When I was younger, I once tried to see if Button would like to swim. After a bath I tried to put her in the tub. She resisted mightily, and I haven't tried since. Cats don't usually like water.

When I was small I pretended to be a cat sometimes. I knew even then I was different. It seemed easier to pretend I was something else. Then I'd fit in somewhere else. If I was a cat, I could fit in with other cats, even if I didn't fit in with people. Later we'd be witches or kidnapped princesses or a dozen other things, but always something that would belong somewhere.

I like water and swimming. I like cats but I'm not cat. I'm just a person, and I'm different. I can't change that. I'm not sure anymore that I want to.

11 July 1642

I brought soup to the Vantases again today. Their roof is leaking for sure. I saw at least two pots behind Kankri when he opened the door with water dripping into them. And I'm sure the front door balanced wrong. I want to help, but I don't know what to say. Fixing a roof isn't too difficult, and I'm sure Mr. Carson would rehang their door. But how do I bring that up? I don't know how to ask if they'd like my help. I can bring food. I've been bringing people food for years now. I might have to leave the roof fixing to someone else.

13 July 1642

Equius came to visit today. I asked him if he knew how to offer to fix someone's roof.

"I…that I don't know," he said.

"I don't want to hurt them-the Vantases," I said. "Or hurt their pride. But I also don't want them to catch cold."

"I think if you offer once," he said. "Then they will know you have offered, and may accept later."

"Alright, I will. Thanks," I said. "Sometimes it's hard to know what's right to do."

"I agree," he said. "I think you can trust yourself, Nepeta. You have good instincts."

"Thank you," I said. "I trust you, too. To do the right thing and to help me pick the right thing to do."

He smiled slightly and nodded. "Thank you," he said.

I'll do that, I think. It's hard to lose your parents, especially when you've only ever had one. It's hard to realize that they're never going to come home, and it hurts like nothing else. It's scary to realize that no one will be there to take care of you. I don't think I'll ever stop missing Mama. I'm worried about the Vantases.

15 July 1642

I had a very good hunting day today. I got a deer and several rabbits. I made lots of stew and brought the rest of the venison into the village for people to eat. It's too early in the season to preserve it; I'd much rather give it away. I can get more as the winter approaches.

I'm less worried about winter this year and right now. I suppose it's just not as scary when I know I can handle it.

17 July 1642

I didn't even try to go hunting today. It was pouring rain, so heavy I could hardly see out the windows. I stayed inside with Button and worked on a pair of socks. She doesn't like the rain. She's not scared of thunderstorms, like Linny is, but I can tell she's not happy when it rains. She's a sweet little thing. She likes to cuddle up to me when she's scared, the same way I like to cuddle her when I'm sad or tired.

I've been living alone for a while now. It's starting to feel just a little bit lonely.

20 July 1642

Equius came to visit today. We practiced shooting in the back of the house and then came inside for tea. Button likes him. She curled around his legs and meowed to be pet. He worries about hurting people on accident, so he's always very careful with my cat. He's so kind. I think he's probably one of the kindest people I know.

We talked a little bit about our mamas today. He misses his mother, too. She was also sick and it wasn't a surprise, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Sometimes we remember our mamas together, and it makes it a little easier to bear.

22 July 1642

I got a letter from my sister today. She sounds…sick. She told me forced herself to miscarry. I think if she had been talking to me, she'd have been crying. Meulin always wanted children, and now she can't dare have them. I hope for her sake that when she gets out (she will get out), she can find another person to love. Or she could adopt a child, like our mama adopted us.

I'm worried. I want to do more to help, but there's not much I can do. She told me Horuss is going to talk to Kurloz to convince him she can't have children. She says all she needs is to know she can come home to me.

24 July 1642

I went to visit Mama's grave today. In the summer the forget-me-nots are in bloom and it doesn't feel so lonely. I'd never leave cut flowers at a grave. They would just die. The forget-me-nots bloom every year, and they always come back. Even if the plants there today die, their children will live on. Mama said the clearing was full of forget-me-nots when she was a child. It's been this way for a long time.

I know things change. I know things must change. I left my birth parents and I've grown up and I live alone now. But I'd like a few things to stay the same.

26 July 1642

Equius came to visit today. I was singing while I nocked my arrow and he asked me what it was. It turns out he'd never heard some of the old ballads Mama used to like. So I sang him the Coventry Carol and Geordie, and then Willie o' Winsbury so it wouldn't just be the sad ones.

"Those are lovely," he said.

"Mama used to sing them around the house, and as lullabies," I said.

"They seem rather…adult," he said.

"I didn't understand them when I was seven," I said. "I just liked Mama's voice."

"My mother did not sing much," he said. "But I do remember she used to hum hymns to me when I was ill."

"Mama sang some hymns, too," I said. "And some French songs."

"French songs?" he asked.

"Oh, yes!" I said, and I sang him Fille Dodo. Then Equius sang me some of his favorite songs, too. We sang while we shot until our voices hurt and then we went inside for tea.

28 July 1642

The pine tree is growing well in its pot. It grows much slower than the flowers or herbs. Trees are like that. They live their lives very slowly. I counted the rings in the pine tree that fell and it was at least a hundred years old, probably more. This tree will need a few years to grow up before it's ready to go to the clearing.

My flowers are in full bloom this time of year. A part of me still wants to bring the dead ones inside for winter, like I did when I was a child. I told Mama that we'd grown them and we had to take care of them. I don't think I understood why that mattered to me back then.

30 July 1642

I don't know what to do with myself some days. I have enough food for myself and no one in the village is hungry. It's too early to preserve, really. The gardens have been weeded. The pine tree in its little pot has been watered. My home is clean and I have all the clothes I need. I'm just not used to having time to relax like this. Maybe someday I'll be better at it. I like to keep busy but I know it's important to take time to relax. Not the least of which because Equius would be upset with me if I was ill like that again.

1 August 1642

I turn nineteen soon. I almost can't believe it. If we hadn't left our birth parents, I'd surely be married and probably pregnant by now. Lots of women my age are married, or at least have their eye on someone. It makes sense. That's what you do when you're nineteen or twenty. You find someone, marry, and have your children.

I'm not sure I want to do that. I know I'm different, but am I really that odd? That I don't think I want to marry and have children? Does it matter what I want? Mama always told us we didn't have to marry. What if I just don't?

3 August 1642

Equius came to see me today and he brought me a birthday present.

"You didn't have to," I said.

"You are my best friend," he said. "I didn't have to. I wanted to."

"Thank you," I said. It was wrapped up a bit clumsily. I opened it and saw he'd gotten me a blanket. It's the forest green I like and it was so very soft. Everyone says velvet and silk are nice, but both feel wrong on my skin. This fabric felt wonderful.

"It's lovely," I said.

"I know you like soft things," he said. "And it will keep you warm in the winter."

"Thank you," I said.

I put the blanket on my bed. I'm going to sleep well tonight, I think.

5 August 1642

Today I turned nineteen. I didn't really expect anyone to remember, but when I went into the village, Terezi had gathered our friends at her home for sweets and fun. It was Aradia and Tavros and Kanaya and Terezi, and Vriska too. (I still don't like Vriska much, but she kept herself from great acts of violence for my birthday.) Terezi is leaving for school in September. I'm going to miss her.

But we didn't talk about missing people today. We had a pastry Mrs. Pyrope made and talked about nothing. We talked about the colors of the harvest and the baby cows on Tavros's family farm and a book I'd read and gossip from the market. I almost cried when my friends sang me a happy birthday. It was just so kind of them.

8 August 1642

I want to get Linny something for her birthday, but I have no idea what. The way she's been in her last few letters…I don't know what I can do that would help. I got one today wishing me a happy birthday, and even that didn't sound quite right. I'd want something to make her happy. But I don't know what could make her happy right now. If I could fix everything for her I would.

I'll send her a letter. I don't think she wants her husband to know we're in touch, so I'll just tell her I love her and I'm here for her.

10 August 1642

I went to the pond today. I took a book and a lunch out there and sat with my feet in the water instead to keep cool. It's just so hot out! I'd bring Button, but she is a cat and she doesn't even like it when I fill up the washtub inside.

I should take a bath soon. I try to bathe at least once a month, and this time of year I just jump in the river to bathe. I don't have to worry much about someone stumbling upon me up there. I'm not sure who owns the land, but I don't see other people there much. I know we own the house, at least.

12 August 1642

I went to bring Karkat and Kankri stew today, but when I went to their home no one was there. At least, no one answered the door. I wasn't sure what to do, so I went to the market. I ran into Karkat there and handed him the stew before he could get too flustered and run away. I tried to ask about his home, but he was gone before I could.

I'm worried about him, and his brother. Losing a parent is hard, and losing your only parent is hard. And while they are part of our village, they're still illegitimate children. Some people won't treat them the same.

13 August 1642

It's time to start preserving, I think. I hunted today for more than I needed and then prepared the meat for winter. I'm going to pack some in salt, and smoke some, and dry some I think. Either way I'll make plenty. Any I don't eat will go to someone in the village who needs it. No one in this village will go hungry as long as I have anything to say about it.

Some people still need homes. It's been a long time but building things is harder than tearing them down. I may have to feed at least some people for a while yet.

15 August 1642

I wrote Linny a letter today. I told her that I love her and she can come home whenever she wants to. I told her I'd take care of her if she needed me to. I told her I talked to Mama's grave for her and I prayed for her in church. I just want her to be alright. She's my sister. I love her.

I hope she gets my letter and I hope she takes it to heart. She is always welcome here.

17 August 1642

Equius came to see me today. I took him hunting! Obviously we didn't get any deer. I only hunt deer when I need to, anyways. But he caught a rabbit and I brought it home to make stew for us. He said his father would probably have a heart attack if he knew I'd taken him hunting. I don't really understand his father's issues with learning to shoot and hunt, but what do I know? I'm only nineteen.

Come to think of it, I think I recall Mama telling me that Mr. Zahhak was the one who taught her to shoot. Why on Earth wouldn't he teach his own sons?

19 August 1642

I saw Kanaya in the village today and asked her about Karkat and Kankri. She frowned a lot like Mama used to when she was worried. It was a little frown, but her eyebrows scrunched up tight.

"I don't know," she finally said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Something has changed, but I haven't seen Karkat except in passing for at least a week," she said.

"Are they alright?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I hope so."

"I hope so too," I said.

I do hope so.

22 August 1642

Today is Mama's birthday. I decided that this year I want to celebrate it. So I made baked apples, one of her favorite treats, and a nice stew. I cuddled with Button and told her stories about Mama that she must have already known. Even when it's hot like this, Button's warmth is comforting. I like it when she curls up on my chest and purrs herself to sleep.

It's good having a cat, I think.

24 August 1642

I went to see Aradia today. Her family doesn't have a home yet. They're going to be living in the barn for at least one more winter, probably. It's been two years since the storm and we've rebuilt more than half the houses, but it's hard and takes time.

People are still frightened, too. We still don't have a lot to spare. No one has much more in storage than can last the winter. We lost people to the storm. I don't think we'll ever forget it.

26 August 1642

I tried one more time to bring stew to Karkat and Kankri, but this time the door wasn't locked. When I knocked, it swung open. I peeked inside, but no one was there. While it was tempting to snoop more, I think that would be rude. It's just strange, leaving the door open like that. We don't worry about theft much in this village, but animals will get in and eat your food if you don't close your door. Even in the village, a stray cat will eat a month's worth of food if they get in.

I'm very worried.

28 August 1642

I saw the Reeses today. I ran into Mrs. Reese in the market with James and Anna and asked her over for dinner. They're always inviting me over, so I thought I'd return the favor. I should go see the Portlands, too, soon.

I did ask her about Karkat and Kankri, but she didn't know anything. She'd heard Mr. Vantas died, but didn't know the family well and had no idea where they might be. She smiled when I said I'd been bringing them food.

30 August 1642

Equius came to see me today and we went hunting again. It's such fun hunting with someone else. It's been so long since Kitty and I hunted together, and I never had the chance to hunt with Mama. I forgot how much I like hunting with someone else.

Equius has been staying for dinner lately so he can eat the food he caught. He's rubbish at cooking, but he's trying. No one taught him when he was young, so he has to catch up now.

While we were eating, he showed me his drawings and explained some of the things he's been learning in school. He's learning some very complicated math that's not in the books I have. He promised to bring me his notes when he's done with them. It's going to take a lot of work to understand, but I want to try.

3 September 1642

The Reeses came for dinner today. I made one of my best stews and put in plenty of good things, garlic and parsley and onions and such. I still don't like celery–it's too stringy–so I left that out. Mama told me to try it when I was older and see if I liked it then, but she also told me that it was perfectly alright to not like some foods.

Anyways, Mr. Reese said it was delicious and James and Anna chorused their thank-yous after we'd eaten. I asked how they've been and they've been well. Mr. Reese has been working again and the children are well. And Mrs. Reese is pregnant! They're very excited. I gave her herbs for the nausea and aches and promised if they needed anything I'd be there. I'm no midwife, but I'd do my best for the Reeses.

5 September 1642

I went to Karkat and Kankri's house again today and again the door was unlocked. I was little bit nosy this time and poked around the main room and bedroom. There was nothing there. The furniture was even a little dusty, and the pots under the leaks were overflowing. Could they have left their home? But if they did, then where are they now? No one's heard from them. I asked Kanaya again and she said they hadn't asked her for any help. Then again, with her aging aunt, Kanaya's family doesn't have much room to spare.

Well, unless I see them again, there's not much I can do to help. I hope I see them soon.

7 September 1642

I got a letter from Linny today. She doesn't tell me the details of her life, but she tells me she's tired and hurting. She's still trying to protect me. She doesn't have to. I'm nineteen and I'm plenty old enough to hear these things. I've been living on my own for a few years now. She took care of me when Mama died and we were on our own. I can take care of her now, if she needs me to.

9 September 1642

Today has been a very strange day.

I was about to leave to go hunting, but before I could open the door, someone knocked. So I opened the door, of course, and Karkat and Kankri were standing there. Well, Karkat was standing, and Kankri was slumped against him, half conscious.

"What on Earth?" I said.

"He needs help," Karkat said.

"I can see that. Come in. Put him on the sofa. Do you know what's wrong?"

"He's hungry."

"What?"

"Hasn't eaten in…shit, I don't know, a week? He won't eat unless I do and I haven't had much, since our father was a dumbass…"

My heart hurt. I can't stand seeing people hungry. "Stay here. I'll get something to eat." I had some stock in the kitchen I'd just finished boiling down, so I filled a bowl and brought it over to them. I looked at Karkat, and he was pale and skinny, too. So I told him to go eat some bread while I fed his brother broth. Kankri wasn't completely unconscious, but he also was in no condition to feed himself. I felt his forehead and he also had a fever, so I mixed up some feverfew in a tea for him.

"Is he going to be alright?" Karkat asked.

"I think so. He'll have to stay here a little while," I decided. Kankri was in no condition to be going anywhere.

"Oh. Um. Well. We…don't have anywhere else to go. Shit. Sorry," he said.

"It's quite alright. You can stay here," I said, and then I remembered he doesn't really want to talk to me. "Or I can find somewhere else for you. I guess you wouldn't want to stay here."

"That would be…that would be great. If we could stay here," Karkat said. I've never seen him look like that before-so tired and worn down.

"Have some more bread," I said. "You're too skinny."

"We don't have any money," he said.

"If you did I don't think you'd be going hungry," I pointed out.

"We can't pay you back," he said.

"For what?" I asked.

"For feeding us!" he said, like it was obvious.

"You don't need to pay me. I have to go hunting. Can you feed him the rest of this broth? There's more on the stove if he wants it. Keep an eye on his fever," I told him.

Karkat nodded seriously, and I handed him another piece of bread before I left.

I hunted a long time, and when I came back, they were both asleep. I let them sleep, made my own dinner, and then went to bed. Button hasn't bothered them, probably because I let them in. So they'll be alright. I'll ask more tomorrow.

11 September 1642

Kankri was better today, so I moved him into our mama's old bedroom. I thought about using Meulin's, but Mama's is bigger and when she does come home, I want Linny to still have her room. Once he was settled in with blankets and lots of water, I made tea for Karkat and me and asked him what was going on.

"I thought you didn't lose your home in the storm," I said. "You can stay here as long as you need, but I thought you didn't need to."

"We didn't," Karkat said. "Look, don't go spreading this around."

"I won't," I said.

"Our father gambled away every penny we had, then dropped dead of some kind of fever," Karkat said. "Now we're just a couple of homeless bastards, so…" He shrugged.

"You can live here," I said again. "I mean, I assume you'll want to move out sometime, but I have plenty of space."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't. It would be nice if you could lend a hand, fix the roof or something like that, but I don't need much help. I need to harvest and preserve today, so you should keep an eye on your brother. Make sure he drinks his tea," I said.

"I…alright," Karkat said. "I'm sure we can come up with something…"

"Don't be absurd. I baked bread this morning, so you should have some of that. I'll be back by supper. Can you cook?"

He nodded.

"Good, then you can make lunch. I'll see you later."

I didn't want to stay around if he was going to be uncomfortable, and I had to go hunting anyways. I took our good bow, the one Linny gave me, and went to hunt. I stayed out late to get a deer, so I could preserve it for winter and because I have two more people to feed now. Button was delighted by the entrails. I put the venison out to smoke and made stew and separated out the herbs to put in the jars and worked on a new hat, and then I went to bed. Karkat and Kankri both kept to themselves most of the day. I hope Kankri's alright.

13 September 1642

I went to check on Kankri today. He's doing much better, now that he's eating. He can stand now, although he still looks thin and pale. It'll take time. Linny and me were sickly for months after Mama took us in. In the meantime, I'll prepare for winter. I certainly can't let them go without a home in the winter.

15 September 1642

Kankri is definitely improving, but I can tell Karkat wishes they could leave sooner. They eat in Mama's old room and I don't see Karkat much except when I'm making his brother medicines. He acts very jumpy around me. I don't want him to be uncomfortable here, but I also don't want them to leave. They'd be hungry and cold and I can't let that happen.

17 September 1642

I asked Karkat if he and his brother would be comfortable staying here the winter with me today.

"As long as it's not a big deal," he said with a shrug.

"You seem uncomfortable," I observed.

"Sorry. It's just that Kankri's sick as shit," he said.

"Alright. You can always leave. I just don't want you to because you think I can't support three people," I said. "I had six guests last year. It's not that hard."

He gave me a very strange look, and then I went to hunt more.

19 September 1642

Karkat has been very helpful with preparing things for winter. I showed him how to dry out the herbs and he's been doing that. I also showed him the edible plants in my book and said he might go out and gather some. (Of course, I'll look them over before we eat them.) I don't expect him to pick up a bow and hunt, but I'm glad to have another pair of hands to gather.

It's getting cold, though, and he doesn't have a cloak of his own, so I found the one Mama told us was her husband's. None of the others would've fit. Mama kept those cloaks hung up by the door when she was alive and I think she'd be glad to see them put to good use.

21 September 1642

I have plenty of meat preserved, and all out bedrooms are full of vegetables and spices. I should have enough herbs to treat anyone who desperately needs it this winter. I also finished a nice new hat and a good pair of wool socks. My leather gloves are still good and my winter clothes are ready. We have plenty of good quilts to keep warm, and I have a good stock of firewood. We should be ready.

23 September 1642

Karkat ate dinner downstairs with me tonight. He didn't talk much, but he said Kankri was asleep. I'll check on him again soon. Karkat said Kankri was feeling better but still tired. He ate and went up to bed. I don't know why he would do that. I wonder if he's changed his mind and likes me now, or wants to be friends. Or maybe he just wants to be polite since he lives with me now.

I hope he's alright. I hope he stays here for the winter so the two of them can stay warm.

25 September 1642

I went to check on Kankri today. I've been trying to leave him be for now, so he doesn't feel embarrassed. He looked a lot better. There was color in his cheeks and a spark in his eyes. He was sitting up straight in bed and looked healthy.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Much better," he said quietly. "Thank you."

"Do you think you can walk?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "But not far."

"I don't think you remember," I said. "You were very sick. But I'll tell you what I told your brother when he told me your situation. You two can stay here as long as you need. Please, at least stay the winter with me."

"We can't impose on you like that," he said.

"It's no imposition," I said. "I fed the whole village after the storm. I had six people with me that winter. I can support you two easily."

"Oh, um, I, I'm not sure what to say…" he said.

"Please," I said. "In the spring you can find a place to live, but for the winter, please stay here. You'll be warm."

He nodded. "I assume you've already persuaded my brother."

"Yes, Karkat agreed," I said.

"Then I will stay as well," he finally agreed.

"Good. Here, I brought you some more soup. Eat up," I said. "I have to get the herbs ready to dry."

"Can I help with anything?" he asked.

"Just rest," I said. "When you're well you can help."

I went back downstairs to work until dinner. I'm glad he's feeling better. I hope by spring he's well enough to leave, if he wants.

27 September 1642

Karkat's been eating dinner downstairs with me every night for more than a week. He never says much, but he will look me in the eye now and always thanks me for cooking. I feel like he's trying to do something or say something, but I don't know what. I wish Linny was here, or Mama. They'd know. They know what people are thinking and I never do. I'm not good at understanding people. I don't know what he's trying to do.

I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, but it'd be nice if we could be friends. Everything about him that made me love him is still good. He's still passionate and protective and kind underneath it all. It'd be good if we could be friends.

30 September 1642

Karkat finally said what he was going to say today. I was kneading bread in the kitchen when he walked up to me and said, "Nepeta?"

"Hm?" I asked.

"I wanted to…tell you something," he said.

"Alright," I said. "What is it?"

"I'm sorry I don't love you," he said.

"That's a silly thing to apologize for," I said. "No one can help these things. Anyways, I don't love you that way anymore."

"That isn't what I mean," he said, frustrated. "I mean-I was a real arse to you. I said some really cruel things and I guess I ignored you for a long time. Sorry."

I thought about that for a moment, then said "Thank you for apologizing for saying what you did. But you don't have to be sorry for not feeling the same way I did."

"Thanks," he said. "Ugh, I don't know. I was such a mess."

"I wasn't the most tactful person on the world," I said. "I remember the day you're talking about. We were young. That's what being young is for-making mistakes. Then when you're older you sort them back out."

"I hope so," he said. "I have a lot to sort out."

"I don't think so," I said. "You've always been a kind person."

"Thank you," he said again. "I really don't want to stay if it's any difficulty. We'll figure something out."

"You're still my friend," I said. "I can't let you be cold this winter. Anyways, I could use some extra hands to preserve during the harvest. I'd much rather you stayed."

He smiled, just a little, and said, "Alright. We will."

I'm glad to hear that. I'll have them with me this winter and they'll be warm, and it'll be alright.