2 October 1642

Kankri is doing much better today. He went for a walk outside, to build up his strength. He's been quiet, which is unusual for him, I think. Meulin used to complain about Kankri. She said he could talk all day and not say much of anything. But so far all he's said to me are a few words of thanks when I bring him medicine.

I think I'll ask them if they'd like to eat dinner with me downstairs. I am getting a little bit tired of eating alone.

4 October 1642

Equius came by today with big news.

"My brother is getting married next month," he told me.

"Really! To who?" I asked.

"A woman from the city. Her name is Annes. She is from an excellent family," he said.

"Do we know her?" I asked.

"I have met her once or twice," he said. "My brother many more times. He speaks highly of her."

"That's wonderful," I said. "I'm so happy for him."

"You're invited, of course," he said. "My father insisted we do it properly." He handed me an invitation on heavy parchment with the prettiest calligraphy inviting me to the wedding in early November.

"This might be silly," I said. "But at Meulin's wedding, I felt underdressed. Should I try to find something…I don't know, fashionable?"

"No, not at all," he said. "Your festival clothes will suit just fine."

"That's a relief," I said. "I have to start preparing for winter. I don't think I'd have time to make a new dress!"

"I could help you hunt today," he offered.

"That'd be nice. I like hunting with you," I said.

He smiled and we went hunting. When we hunt, I usually use my new bow and he uses Mama's old bow. I'm a little bit protective of mine, since Meulin gave it to me, and I think Mama would like to see my best friend using hers.

6 October 1642

Kankri and Karkat have been eating dinner with me the past few days. It's nice to have the company. I'll have to make a cloak for Kankri, since Karkat is using Mama's husband's. He can walk outside now for a while, and I don't want him to feel trapped in my home. I asked him if I could take his measurements and he nodded. I also asked them if they needed shoes, and they said no. I hope they're not just trying to be polite. I have some money saved up in the old glass jar. I could buy them shoes. I don't want them to be cold.

8 October 1642

I'm starting to really get ready for winter now. Karkat has been a lot of help. I showed him how to gut a rabbit and prepare the meat for preserving, and he can do that while I hunt and gather and sort herbs. Kankri has been helping, too. He's not up for gutting an animal, but he can dry herbs and watch the oven while the bread bakes.

Karkat asked why I was preparing so much, and I told him it's in case anyone else needs it. I also try to keep medicines on hand in case people get sick. I can't do much, but I want to help people when I can.

10 October 1642

I finished Kankri's cloak today. Cloaks are easy, and I had some warm fabric around. I even put some pockets in it for him. He finally said something longer than couple of words to me.

"Thank you. It's wonderful," he said.

"I'm glad you like it."

"I understand you would rather we not pay you with money, but if there is anything we can do to contribute to your household, please do not hesitate to ask."

"Thanks. It's good to have help preparing for winter."

He nodded and then didn't seem to want to say anything else. He can be awfully long-winded. Maybe nobody ever bothered to listen to him.

12 October 1642

Karkat asked today at dinner why I had a man's cloak around.

"I have two, actually. One was my mother's husband's and the other her best friend's."

"Your mother was married?" Karkat asked.

"Yes, a long time ago. I thought you'd have known," I said.

"Why would I know that?" he asked.

"Her married name was Vantas," I said. "I suppose I assumed you knew her husband."

"I don't," he said, confused. "We don't have any other family."

"That's strange," I said. "It's not a common last name."

"I don't know anyone else with our name. How did she end up with it?" he said.

"She married a man named Vantas," I said. He seemed kind of angry. "I'm not lying."

"That's just strange," he said.

I couldn't think of anything to say to that, so I just nodded. I assumed Karkat had an uncle or relative who'd married Mama. It's all very strange.

14 October 1642

It's getting cold out. Button has been staying close to the fire. Karkat and Kankri aren't used to her yet. They still startle them when it's nighttime and she nudges us all into bed. Button's such a sweet cat. I don't think I'd sleep as well if she wasn't purring next to me.

I'm working on some new socks, too. Part of me wants to make Button a warm sweater and a pair of pairs of socks, but she's got fur. She doesn't need warm clothes like I do.

The Vantases do, though. I made them cloaks, but they'll need hats and mittens and scarves and such. They didn't bring anything to my home but the clothes on their backs. I cast on a hat today, and I should be done with it within the week. I'll finish it and then give it to one of them. I think if I asked them first, they'd try to say they don't need anything. But everyone needs warm things, and I don't want them to be cold.

I miss Mama when the winter begins. She was warm. She would sit next to me on the sofa and read with me and it was just nice to have her there.

16 October 1642

Kankri and Karkat and I had dinner together today. It was…companionable. Living with people my age feels different from living with people older than me. The Reeses and the Portlands are proper adults, who know more than I do and have lived many more years than I. Karkat and Kankri and I are all the same when it comes to what we know. (In fact, I think I know a little more.)

I asked them if they wanted to read, and they told me they don't know how. I know more men can read than women, but illegitimate men…maybe no one teaches them. So I said I'd teach them, if they liked. And they said yes.

18 October 1642

Equius came over today, and while we were drinking tea, I asked, "Is Meulin invited? To Horuss's wedding?"

"She is," he said. "She and her husband."

"I'm just so worried about her," I admitted. "It'll be good to see her in person."

"I wonder if my father could do anything," Equius said.

"I don't know. I don't know what would be best for her. I don't want to do anything that would scare her, or that might make her husband angry," I said.

He blinked. "Is it that serious?" he asked.

"I think it might be," I said. "I…there are things she's told me that are very serious." I don't think she'd want me to tell people about the babies she's lost.

"I am sorry," he said. "If there is anything you need, you need only ask."

"Thank you," I said. "It's scary right now. I think it'll be better when she's back with us."

He nodded his agreement.

"How's Horuss's wedding planning coming along?" I asked. Talking too much about Meulin makes me feel like I can't breathe right sometimes. He let me change the subject and we talked about other things.

20 October 1642

Karkat came downstairs today while I was sorting herbs for preserving and asked if he could help. I told him of course and set him to putting things in jars.

"I don't want to pry," he said. "But, um, I heard you talking with Equius. Is your sister…alright?"

"It's very complicated," I said. "She will be alright, in the end."

"Oh. Um. Alright," he said.

"She'll be coming back to live here soon," I said. "Oh, but you can't tell anyone that! It might put her in danger."

He stared somewhat blankly at me. "This seems…really intense."

"It is right now, but it won't always be," I said. "She can hunt and gather too, and anyways I can feed four people. So you can stay if she comes back in the winter."

"Thanks," he said.

He doesn't say much, these days, at least around me. He used to say more when we were younger. I hope it's not because I'm doing something wrong.

22 October 1642

All of our rooms are full of food for winter. I've harvested Mama's garden and I'm preparing it for winter, and the last blooms in my flower garden are dying. I've preserved lots of meat and herbs, and I just hope it's enough.

Karkat's been helping with preserving, and Kankri, too, when he feels up to it. Kankri's been doing a lot better! His cheeks aren't so pale and hollow like you see when people don't have enough to eat. I'm no midwife, but I know enough to take care of one person who's gone hungry.

24 October 1642

With the festivals coming up, I spent some time today fixing up my nice Sunday skirt. It's not as torn and patched as my other clothes, but I wear it and it'll get some tears. Kankri said he feels well enough to go, so they'll come with me.

Kankri asked me today if perhaps he could make bread. I told him of course, since goodness knows we need bread all the time. He wants to help, he said. He's starting to get more talkative. He asked me how I usually like bread and about what kind of yeast I use and a few other things before he set to work. He told me that he always made the bread in his old home. I was curious, but didn't ask, about their mother. I know they're orphans, but I don't know their mother. I don't know anyone who does.

26 October 1642

I went to see Aradia and Kanaya in the village today. Terezi was there too! She said law school has been wonderful, but she's home for now for the holidays. Kanaya asked about the Vantases, since she hadn't seen them in a while.

"Oh, I thought they'd have told you. They're living with me," I said.

"How did that come about?" Kanaya asked, surprised.

"They came to my home and Kankri was sick. It's…" I wasn't sure if I should tell everyone the Vantas's situation. "It's better if they stay with me, at least for the winter."

"I'm glad to hear that," Kanaya said. I think she knows.

"You're running an inn!" Aradia laughed.

"Your family's welcome, too," I said earnestly. "If the barn isn't warm enough."

"Oh, we're just fine," Aradia said. "We have plenty of wool and the sheep will keep us warm. Next year we'll have a house again."

"What are you bringing to the festival?" Kanaya asked, perhaps to avoid any more talk of housing situations. So we talked about other things until I had to go back and prepare more food.

28 October 1642

I went hunting all day today and spent the evening preserving. Kankri made bread while I was out. He asked before I left if he could use some of the fruits I have, and I told him of course. When I came back, he'd made an apple bread. He said if it was good, he'd make another for All Saints'. And Karkat fixed the leg on the table that wobbles. He asked where my tools were, and when I came home, he'd fixed the table and was working on the door.

Dinner was still quiet, but the both of them answered when I asked about their days. It's nice, not living completely alone anymore.

31 October 1642

Today was All Souls'! Karkat and Kankri and I went into the village for the festival, and it was lovely. I brought some venison to eat, and there was food everywhere. I talked with my friends, Terezi and Aradia and Kanaya and Tavros, and Equius was there too! His family is in a tizzy preparing for the wedding, but he was able to get away to come to the festival. It was such fun! I can't wait for tomorrow.

1 November 1642

The festival was today, and it was wonderful. I danced with my friends, of course, and Equius is a better dancer than ever. The rest of his family was there, too, and Mr. Zahhak asked me if I'm doing alright, as always. He did ask after Meulin, but I don't want to tell her secrets. I just told him she and I were in touch, and were making plans.

Mr. Reynolds is getting very good at the fiddle. I lost to William Fletcher, again, but just barely. I forgot how much I love to dance. My skirts swirl out and the air sings around me, and it feels wonderful. It's like being part of something, too. Everyone starts together, and the ones who fall out will clap and cheer as we dance. We all sing together, too, along with the fiddle music.

I was so thirsty after the dances I almost felt dizzy! Aradia brought me something warm to drink and Kanaya gave me a pastry. Equius congratulated me and told me he was sure I'd win someday. Karkat actually smiled, which I haven't seen from him a long while. He brought me a piece of Kankri's apple bread after the dancing contest. It was delicious.

And after it all, I walked home with Kankri and Karkat (and our empty serving dishes). I don't remember what exactly Karkat said, something about Mrs. Jones's absurd hats, and I couldn't help but laugh. We laughed all the way home.

3 November 1642

Horuss's wedding is so soon! I'm very excited. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I'm actually looking forward to meeting Horuss's new wife. I don't usually like meeting new people, but I like the Zahhaks. I'm sure whoever Horuss is marrying, she's a wonderful woman. Anyways, it'll be fun. I always like weddings. It's just…joyful. People are happy when they're married.

I suppose I'm so used to people being miserable and tired that the happiness is starting to feel novel.

5 November 1642

The first frost will come down soon. In the winter I like to take warm baths, but I'm not sure how to do that with other people in the house. It's an odd subject to bring up, and I don't want to make them uncomfortable. We're all unmarried and I'm a woman now living with two men. We'll have to address it at some point, but I wish we didn't. Why can't I just live with some friends without it being such a scandal?

I wish Mama or Linny were here. They're good at talking to people in a way I'm just not. They'd know what to say.

7 November 1642

I miss my sister. In two days I'm going to Horuss's wedding, and I'm going alone. It's the sort of thing I would've done with my family not too many years ago. Mama would've loved to see this. She cared about Horuss and Equius, and she wanted them to be happy, too.

I went to her grave today. Karkat asked where I was going when I left. I told him to visit my mother, and he didn't say anything else. I brought some of my flowers out there for her, and I sat in front of her grave and prayed. I prayed for Mama and her family in Heaven, and I prayed for Linny to come home safe, and for all my friends to be happy, and for the village to be warm and safe this winter.

9 November 1642

Horuss was married today! It was a lovely event. I sat next to Equius near the front of the church and watched Annes walk down the aisle. Her dress was gorgeous, and such a nice color of blue. I'd never met her before, of course, but we talked some during the reception and she seemed kind.

I'm happy for Horuss, of course, but I wasn't entirely focused on him. My sister and her husband were at the wedding. She hardly said a word the whole time, but I could tell something was wrong. I saw her and waved, and then went to walk over. When I got close, her husband gripped her arm tight like she might try to escape and walked away so fast. She saw me–I know she did. I saw her eyes light up and she opened her mouth like she was going to say something. But she didn't say anything, and the whole time, her husband kept her away from me. I tried to get close to her, but every time I did, my sister's husband dragged her away.

She didn't look well. My sister was always fatter than me, but she looked thin. Her face was wan and her eyes tired. I've known her all my life, and she just didn't look right. Equius noticed, too, and Mr. Zahhak.

"Nepeta?" Mr. Zahhak asked me.

"Yes?" I said.

"Your sister. Is she well?" he asked shortly.

I paused, then said, "I don't think so." I wasn't sure who he'd tell, and I don't want Meulin to get hurt any worse. But I don't want to lie to him, and Mr. Zahhak cares about us.

His face got very serious and he said, "Her husband seems to be attempting to keep her away from us. I very much hope that is not the case."

I wasn't sure what to say to that, but I admitted, "I'm worried about her."

"I promised your mother I would do everything I could to keep you and your sister safe," Mr. Zahhak said. "You need only ask, and I will do everything in my power to help you."

"Thank you. I think Meulin would appreciate it if you told her, too," I said.

"Indeed," he agreed, and walked away.

"Is everything alright?" Equius asked me. "My father looks…solemn."

"He's worried about Meulin," I explained.

"It's no wonder," he said. "She looks…ill. She's hardly spoken to anyone."

"I don't know who he thinks he's fooling," I said. "He can't possibly believe we'll all believe she's just fine. He's stupid if he thinks we're not going to try to help."

"He need not fool us," Equius said. "He thinks he only needs those in power to believe him. He believes you have no power, and so he need not convince you of anything."

I've never been so angry in my life. I wanted to march right up to him and break his damned nose. But I knew it wouldn't help one bit. "How dare he," I said, trying not to yell.

"We will help your sister," he said. "I swear it on my mother."

"Thank you," I said seriously, because he was so serious himself. He's like his father–he wants to take care of us. It used to bother me, but I think I understand it more now. I was thirteen when our mama died, and sixteen when my sister married. No wonder he and his family worried. I hope they can help us now.

11 November 1642

I sent Linny a letter today. I told her that I love her and I miss her, and that Mr. Zahhak wants to help her, too. Mama used to say that Mr. Zahhak didn't believe enough in her cause to be part of it, but he wouldn't hurt them, either. He may be invested in being in the duke's good graces, but not so much that he'll let my sister suffer.

Mama believed in things fiercely and fully. Every since I was a little girl, she told me that all people deserve to be warm, well-fed, and safe. She told me every person deserves the same opportunities, and no one has to earn their right to be alive. I believe these things, too. I don't think I could do what she did, but I want to do what I can.

13 November 1642

I remembered about the pictures today, the drawings my mother's best friend did. It's good to see pictures of Mama, but I also wanted to show Karkat my mother's husband. He was very surprised to see the pictures.

"That looks just like my brother," he said. "Is that your mother's husband?"

"Yes," I said. "Our mama's best friend drew them."

"He must be related to us," Karkat said. "That's just…strange as hell. We don't have any other family. If we did we might not be in this situation."

"I think she said he was abandoned," I recalled. "My mother's mother-in-law adopted her husband when his birth mother left him behind."

He thought for a second, getting his head around that, then said, "I never knew my grandparents."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's fine, it's not as if I ever knew them enough to miss them. I just mean my father never really talked about his parents," he said. "And my mother wasn't exactly around to tell us about hers."

"Well, your birth family doesn't have to define you," I said. "I'm not like my birth parents, and I'm never going to be."

"Your what?" he asked, shocked. So then I had to tell him the whole story, how my sister ran away and our mama found her and took care of her, how Linny came back for me, how our mama raised us. I guess I don't talk about it much.

We have strange family situations, the Vantases and I.

15 November 1642

Equius came to visit today and we went shooting. I asked him about his brother. He said Horuss and Annes are living together in his family home, since they're going to inherit it. He said Annes is kind enough, if a bit shy, and a wonderful cook. He said I should come over and visit next week to meet her. I'm like family, he said, and she should meet me.

I'm flattered he thinks of me that way. I thought I had no family left once Linny got married, but I've known since I was seven that your birth family isn't all there is to family. Equius can be my family, as can his family. Linny's going to be coming home, and Button will have kittens again someday. I have family.

17 November 1642

I went to Mama's grave today to leave her flowers. The forget-me-nots are starting to die for the year, and I don't want to leave her with nothing to remind her that we love her. I sat at her grave and prayed, for her and for everyone I love. It's just good to remember her, I think. Even though I miss her and it can hurt a lot to remember her, it doesn't always hurt anymore.

I looked through the pictures of her, too, when I was home. She really did look just like Linny when she was young. I think I look like her, too. When I look in the mirror, I can see her eyes and her nose and her cheekbones. I have the same hair as her, too. Our mama loved us, and we look like her, and I hope that she knew we loved her, too.

19 November 1642

I think this will be one more Christmas without my sister. I'm going to make Christmas dinner, of course. I have since I've lived alone here. I have to make my own Christmas dinner.

I might ask Karkat and Kankri for help. It's a lot of work to make Christmas on my own. If Kankri can make bread, I'm sure he can help me with the Yorkshire pudding, or the stuffing. I don't know how much Karkat can cook, but the green beans are easy to make. It'll work out.

21 November 1642

I got a letter from Linny today! Karkat answered the door, and the messenger almost didn't give it to him. I suppose she's told the messenger boys from the castle to only give the letters to me. But I heard so I went to the door and got the letter. She wrote to me that she was sorry she didn't talk to me at Horuss's wedding, that she wanted to but was scared to. She also told me that her husband had the chefs make her favorite foods for All Saints' Day. I don't know what to make of that. I know he's not a good husband or a good man, and I think she does, too. But does she still love him? If she does, should I be worried?

Well, however unsure I am, I'm sure she's more confused. I wrote her back, telling her that I love her and I can't wait for her to come home. It's true. I do miss her, and I just want her to be alright.

23 November 1642

Equius came by today. Karkat always disappears when Equius is over, and I don't know why. Kankri usually stays up in bed, since he's still weak, but he doesn't seem eager to meet Equius either. Maybe it's because he's higher class than anyone else we know.

Anyways, Equius and I went outside to practice shooting. He's getting quite good, and he's much better at not breaking things on accident. I never realized how quickly my body was growing until it slowed down. I like that I stay the same size these days, and I don't have to make new clothes all the time.

Equius also mentioned that if his brother has a son, his father might just let up on Equius getting married. I asked him if he wanted to get married, and he stared away and said, "I don't know."

"I don't know either," I said. "It's what everyone else does, and what they want, but I don't know if I do."

"We are a bit strange," he said with a little smile.

I nodded my agreement. He and I are odd ducks, but we have each other. And it's nice to know I'm not the only person in the world who maybe doesn't want to get married and have children.

25 November 1642

At dinner, I asked Karkat if he didn't want to see Equius. I won't make them leave, but I also won't ask Equius to stop coming to see me.

"No, it's fine," Karkat said. I'm pretty sure he was lying.

"You make yourself scarce when he comes to visit," I pointed out.

"He doesn't like me," Karkat said sharply. "He's stuck up anyways."

"He is not, and I don't think he doesn't like you," I said back. "Please don't insult my best friend in front of me."

Karkat blushed and said, "Look, I just know he hates me, alright?"

I don't think that's true, but I said, "If you don't want to see him, that's fine. I just want to make sure you're comfortable here."

"Yeah," he said, and then, "I'm going for a walk."

I don't know why he's so worked up about everything all the time. I also don't know if I can convince him that Equius doesn't hate him (I'm sure he doesn't). But I suspect Karkat is angry so he doesn't have to be anything else.

27 November 1642

Most of the herbs and vegetables are ready for winter, but I'm still hunting and preserving meat. I don't just have to feed myself, or even myself and the Vantases. I have to be ready feed the whole village if I have to. There are children in the village who don't remember what it was like before the storm. I don't want any children to go hungry. I will never forget what it was like to be seven years and aching from hunger. It took Linny and I months to recover. I don't want a single other child to ever feel that way.

30 November 1642

Equius came over today, although he had to be home with his family for Advent dinner. Today was the first Sunday of Advent, for hope. I hope that soon Linny will be back with me, and she'll be alright. I don't know if she'll ever be the same, but I hope she can be happy.

Equius said he hopes Horuss has a happy marriage and that things turn out alright for me and my sister. He's worried about her, too, especially since Horuss's wedding.

But we also talked about the things that are hopeful right now. Most people in the village have food saved up for the winter, and most of the new homes are built, and no one is going to be cold this year. We're going to be alright. I have to believe we will.

2 December 1642

Kankri saw me gutting my kills today outside while he was baking bread (his bread is very good) and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm preparing the meat," I said. "I'll smoke or salt this."

"We have plenty of meat for us," he said. "Assuming each of us eats the same we have been for the past month, we shouldn't need this much meat to last the winter. Of course, I understand if you'd like to have extra food, as we can never predict the winter, and it is always good to be prepared. However, this seems almost excessive."

"I have to be ready to feed the whole village," I said. "No one is going to go hungry this year."

"People do have stores this year," he said. "Porrim told me her family has plenty enough for the winter, and most other people do as well. I doubt they'll be any trouble."

"But if there is, I can't watch anyone be hungry," I said. "I've been hungry, and I'm not going to let anyone else be hungry."

He didn't seem to know what to say to that. "I suppose I had better get on with the bread."

I nodded and kept working at the deer. I'm pretty fast at it now, but it's not nothing. I brought Button the entrails and she was delighted with the feast. She's the sweetest thing.

4 December 1642

We had our first proper snow today. Of course it's snowed before, but today we finally had more than half an inch on the ground. I went to Mama's grave and prayed that she was making snowflakes with the angels in heaven. I prayed that we'd get through the winter and that Meulin would come home soon and everything would turn out alright.

Sometimes when I pray out in the clearing, especially when it's just snowed, the greatest sense of calm comes over me. It's as if I can feel God taking away my troubles. I hope that God is listening to me. I'm not really anybody important, but it'd still be nice to know that God is listening to me.

6 December 1642

Karkat asked me about the Advent candles today.

"Mama always lit Advent candles," I said. "So I still do now."

"What order are they? I can never fucking remember, they all sound the same," he said.

"Hope, joy, peace, then love," I said. "At least, that's how Mama did them. I think other people do it differently."

"I guess we missed hope," he said.

"No, I lit it last week with Equius. We talked about things we hoped for and that were hopeful," I said. "I can wait until dinner tomorrow to light the one for joy if you like."

"Yeah, sure, I guess. Sounds nice," he said. I suspect he was quite eager to have something happy in these dark months but didn't want to say so. Men can be very strange about such things.

7 December 1642

Equius came for dinner today, so all four of us sat down to eat together. It was a bit tense. I told Equius before that the Vantases probably feel strange being around someone with status, but he was still stiff. I know that's just how he is, but I suppose if you're not used to it, he must seem rather standoffish.

But when I lit the candle for joy and talked about how I'm joyful that everyone will have enough this year, everyone agreed. Equius said he's happy his brother is married, and Kankri offered that he was happy to have somewhere to stay. It was alright. I want all my friends to get along, and I think with a little work I can make that happen.

9 December 1642

I decided to take some time off from working and go into the village today so I don't overwork myself again. Karkat asked if he could come with me, so I said of course. We went to Kanaya's house and had tea and talked about not much. Kanaya's aunt continues to drive her mad, naturally. Karkat actually laughed at some of the things Kanay- said about her aunt.

Terezi came by to see us, too. Karkat seemed uncomfortable, but Terezi didn't. She's home for the winter from law school, and she'll be going back in January. She told us about all the complicated things she's learning about how the law works. It all sounds fascinating! I don't think I'd like it, but I'm glad she's having fun.

Karkat and I walked back together to my home and had dinner and went to bed, and it was…companionable. I like having my own room where I can be alone, but it's also good to live with other people.

11 December 1642

Button was particularly affectionate today. It was terribly windy, so I stayed inside and worked on some mending. She got herself between me and my needles every time I tried to make a stitch until I pet her. She's like that sometimes! I suppose she can get lonely, too.

She's warming up to Karkat and Kankri. She nudges them to bed when she decides it's time, and begs them for food at the table. She isn't quite ready to bother them for petting, but I think she will eventually. Karkat never seems to know what to do with her. It's a little funny. For all his bluster, he doesn't know what to do with one cat telling him to go to bed!

14 December 1642

Today was the third Sunday of Advent, for peace. Equius came to visit yesterday and we practiced shooting, but today he had to be home with his family. His father isn't bothering him as much about marrying now that his brother is married, but he said until Horuss has a son he's not free to do as he pleases. While he won't inherit the land or title, it would seem there are advantages to being the younger son.

I think right now, I feel peaceful when I know there's enough. There are a lot of things that are uncertain right now, but the Vantases have a place to be for the winter, and so does everyone else. It may take some time and some work, but we will find our peace.

16 December 1642

I can't believe how soon Christmas is. I have to write my sister, of course, and prepare for the festival. I ought to fix up the embroidery on my good skirt. I'm trying to decide if I should get presents for Karkat and Kankri. I don't want to make them uncomfortable, but I also don't want to be rude. Maybe I'll get them something small. I want them to feel comfortable in my home.

It's hard to figure out what the right thing to do is when it comes to people. I'm sure Linny would know what to do, or Mama. But I'm not very good at understanding people, or guessing at what they want. Maybe I'll ask Kanaya. She knows Karkat much better than I do.

18 December 1642

I went into the village today with Karkat to visit Aradia and Tavros. Karkat also found Sollux on his family's farm and brought him, too. Aradia's family is living in the barn for one more year, so we sat in her family's barn with the sheep. They're very warm this time of year! Aradia sent me home with wool to spin.

I think I caught Sollux staring at Aradia while we were talking. They were so sweet together when we were younger. I don't know exactly what happened between them, but I know it was painful for them both. Maybe they'll have another chance now, with how much we've all grown since them. I hope so! I always thought they'd be a good match.

Tavros talked a little about Vriska, himself. I didn't want to say anything, but I just hope she really does go off to be a pirate. I don't think she's good for him, and I think she'd enjoy herself much better out on the sea. Personally, I never liked her very much. There's just something cruel about her. I don't think Tavros would be happy with her.

20 December 1642

Equius came over today, but it was too cold to practice shooting, so we stayed inside with tea. Karkat tried to make himself scarce, but that's harder to do when we're not outside. So he just slipped upstairs to his room.

"Does he dislike me?" Equius asked me.

"I don't know," I said. "I tried asking him, but he gets very defensive. Maybe you intimidate him a little bit?"

"I don't mean to," he said.

"I know you don't. It's not your fault. He's just like that," I said. "You're always welcome here, and you're my best friend."

"And you mine. You're always welcome in my home, you know," he said.

"I know. It's just…your father can be very serious," I said.

Equius sighed. "He certainly can. It is a relief to be able to come here."

I laughed with him and we talked a bit about nothing. It's good to have a friend like him.

21 December 1642

Last Sunday of Advent, love. When I lit the candle, I thought about how much I love Linny and Equius and Mama and Button and all my friends. I tried to put all that love into the little candle flame. Someday the candle will burn down and everyone will forget me and my family, but we're here now, and the candle is bright.

We didn't talk much at dinner. Sometimes I just feel quiet, and today was one of those days. I think we were all thinking.

23 December 1642

I'm so excited for Christmas! Kankri is going to bring his apple bread into the village again, and I'm bringing a pudding I like. The festival is going to be wonderful. I'm looking forward to it.

I think Button can tell I'm excited. She tends to know how I'm feeling. She snuggles up to me more when I'm worried or sad. When I'm excited like this, though, she gets excited with me–meows all the time, runs around the house as fast as she can, all that. I love her.

I also wrote my sister today. I told her that I love her and that I hope she has a happy Christmas. I do hope that. Hopefully, the next Christmas we'll be together and we can all go into the village as a family.

25 December 1642

Today was Christmas, and it was wonderful! I made Christmas dinner, and Karkat and Kankri said it was delicious. It felt good to do, and it reminded me of Mama. And it tasted wonderful! I think I'm a pretty decent cook. I'll never be working in the castle, but I can cook something pretty good when I want to.

Then we all walked into the village together with our food, and the tables were so full I hardly knew where to put mine! Once I found a spot, I went to find my friends and talk with them. Everyone was there, and it was so good to see all my friends. And the music! I danced with all my friends, even with Karkat. I love the songs we have. Some of us did the Cutty Wren together, too. I love that song.

I came in second in the fast dancing this time, again! My friends and I all tried to be the fastest, but I'm still one of the best dancers. I was so out of breath, and my face was so red, that Equius thought I'd faint clear away. He made me drink something, and Kanaya brought me something to eat. She laughed and told me she was sure I'd get it next year. Everyone was happy and laughing, and it was bright and warm, and it was just good. I hope this is a good sign of a warm, easy winter to come.

27 December 1642

I got a letter back from Linny today. She told me she had a wonderful Christmas and she was sure she'd see me soon. She didn't mention leaving her husband, and I'm starting to worry that she might not. What if she changes her mind and stays? I know it's not good for her, but I keep seeing people I care about following after people who don't treat them well. She deserves better, and I want her to have better.

And I miss her. I want to see my sister again. I haven't seen her face or heard her voice in such a long time. I want to talk to my sister again.

29 December 1642

I went into the village today with Karkat and we went to Aradia's family's barn, to sit with the sheep and talk. Tavros asked us if we think he should ask Vriska to marry him. I think he's mad if he thinks that's a good idea, but I didn't say that. Karkat, on the other hand, said, "You must be out of your mind. She broke your legs! On purpose! She's a bitch!"

"She's not always the kindest, but I think she cares about me," Tavros said meekly.

"Enough to marry that far down?" Karkat snorted.

"Karkat," Aradia scolded. "You should do what makes you happy, Tavros."

I wasn't sure what to say, because it reminded me a lot of my sister and her husband. I couldn't say that, of course, because those are my sister's secrets to keep or tell as she wishes. I wanted to tell Tavros it wasn't a good idea, but I also didn't want to insult him. "I think she's going to go off to join her aunt no matter what," I said. "And I think if you ask her…she'd probably say no."

"But she might say yes!" he protested.

"Even if she does, her father might not allow it," I pointed out. "Since Aranea isn't married yet."

"I don't know," he said. "Who else would marry me?"

"You don't have to get married," I pointed out.

"I don't intend to," Aradia said.

"Maybe," he said. "I don't know."

We left it there and I asked Araida if she had any wool for me to spin. I hope Tavros doesn't marry Vriska. I don't think he'd be happy, and I don't want to see someone else I care about go through that.

31 December 1642

It's hard to believe that tomorrow it'll be 1643. Sometimes I can't believe it's not still 1639. I think I'll stay up until midnight this year to celebrate the new year. It's not as if something drastic will change, but I like that we can start over. I can write a new kind of January or make the sad anniversaries a better kind of day. I like that the world goes in circles like this. Things change every year, but the seasons cycle and before I know it, it's summer again.

I told Karkat and Kankri they'd be welcome to join me in celebrating the new year. I don't drink much, but I think I'll have a glass of wine and toast the new year. This year will be better. My sister will come home, the winter will be easy, and it's going to be alright.

I can't know that, but I can hope for it.