1 April 1643

Karkat made me tea today.

He set a cup down in front of me and said, "You alright?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I wasn't paying attention to anything at all, even things right in front of my face. "What? Why?"

"Your sister. She's not exactly doing great, obviously. And you seem pretty…I don't know. Somewhere else?" he said.

"Sorry," I said. "I can still hunt and everything. I'll get food for us."

"That's not even close to what I was thinking about," he said. "It's spring, we'll be fine. How are you?"

I didn't really know what to say to that, so I just shrugged.

"Alright. Well. I know it's kind of hard to talk about this shit, so." He pushed the teacup closer to me. "It's chamomile. If you ever need…I don't know, help with anything. Just ask."

I expected him to leave, but he didn't. He sat there with me at the table until I had to get up to tend the garden. He didn't say anything else, but it was good to have someone with me.

3 April 1643

Meulin isn't doing well. She's pretending to me that she's fine, but she jumps at everything and flinches when I go to take her hand.

I've never felt like this before. I'm so angry I can feel myself shaking. I want to kill Kurloz. I want to go to his home and make him hurt like he hurt my sister. I am a very good shot, and surely he must leave his ridiculous castle sometimes. Maybe they'd catch me, but at least he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore.

I won't. I won't use the things our mama taught us to hurt people, and I won't leave my sister alone here. I won't hurt anyone.

But sometimes, I really, really want to.

5 April 1643

Equius came by today. He'd heard the news through other channels, but he wasn't sure until I told him.

"It's true. She's home with me," I said. "She's resting upstairs."

"My goodness," he said, staring down at his cup of tea. "She did it."

"She did. She's going to be alright. Thank you for everything you did," I said.

"I didn't do anything," he said.

"You were here for us," I said. "And I know your father and brother talked to her ex-husband. I'm…I'm so grateful you were always here for me."

"Of course," he said. "You're my dearest friend. No matter what you need, you can ask me."

"And you can always ask me," I said.

"Is there anything you need now?" he asked.

"I think…I don't know. I'll ask Meulin. For now…it's just good to be able to talk to you," I said. "Can we go out and shoot? I'd…like to take my mind off things."

"Of course," he said with a kind smile. "Somehow I do not think my father would mind much."

So we shot together for a while, and it was good. My aim wasn't so good at is normally, but that's alright. I can still hunt for my sister and the Vantases and anyone else who needs it.

7 April 1643

Meulin had a headache today, but it wasn't a normal headache. The sun through the curtains was too bright, she said, and she wouldn't talk too loud because the sounds were too loud.

I don't remember her telling me about headaches. She told me about her hearing, but not about headaches. She never had anything like this before. I don't want to press her, but I'm worried. She could be sick or hurt and I'm so worried it might get worse. Maybe I'll ask her tomorrow. I don't want to pressure her right now, when she's so tired and sad, but I also want her to recover. It's hard to know what's right.

9 April 1643

I asked Meulin about her headaches today while we were in our mama's garden.

"Meulin, it's alright if you don't want to tell me, but the headache you had–I'm just worried. Do you know why you had it?"

She went very still, then said, "I've been having them for some time now."

"But do you know why? I'm–I'm worried you might be sick," I said.

"I do," she said. "Um. The night I lost my hearing, I also…hit my head. I've been having headaches ever since. They're not as bad as they were, but I don't think they'll ever really go away."

I had the sense that Kurloz had something to do with it, but I decided not to say anything. "Is there anything I can do?" I asked.

"The pain medicine helps," she said with a sigh. She shook her head, then said, "I don't know. I'm sorry."

She's been apologizing a lot lately, and I don't know why, so I just said, "It's alright. You don't need to be sorry."

"I am anyways," she said, and then she looked back to the ground so I couldn't talk to her anymore. I don't know what that means. She already apologized for leaving me, and I know she meant it. Why is she still sorry?

11 April 1643

The winter was hard on the little shed I use for meat, but I haven't had the time to fix it. Today Karkat asked if he might fix it. I told him he could go right ahead. The last thing we need is meat going to waste. He seems to enjoy himself when he's fixing something, and I think he wants to help around the house. I certainly don't mind a little help, when there's so much to be done to keep up the place. This was our mama's home, and I want to keep it nice.

The fence looks much better now, and with the trees putting out buds and the planting season here, I want to keep the garden safe.

My flower garden is beginning to sprout, too. I'm looking forward to seeing the flowers again. I always miss the flowers, and when they come back I remember that things will come back and the world continue to moves in circles, and the world will keep turning.

13 April 1643

I saw Mrs. Reese in the market, and invited her to come for dinner sometime. I told her my sister is home and she said she'd love to see her. People in the village knew Linny more than they knew me, because she's the midwife. Come to think of it, Meulin might've helped deliver James. I hope she's up for the visit. I'd really like to see the Reeses, and I think it would be good for Linny to talk to people. The Reeses cared about me, and wanted to make sure I was alright, even when they were the ones whose home was destroyed. I know they'll care about my sister, too.

15 April 1643

Equius was over today. He doesn't smile often, or really do much with his face, but he smiled big when he saw my sister again. He's as happy as I am that she's home. He's happy she's safe.

His brother is doing well, and Annes is too. He said we should come over sometime for dinner, Linny and me. He also said that whenever Meulin's feeling up to it, Annes would like her help. She may be richer than we are, more like the Zahhaks, but she'd still rather have a midwife help her deliver than a physician. Meulin knows lots of things about being pregnant and having a baby, and I know she can do it. I'll ask her first, though. She might not be up to it.

17 April 1643

I mentioned to Linny today being the midwife for Annes. I thought Annes and Horuss both would appreciate it. She said she wasn't sure she could, because it's been a long time and because she has her headaches. I don't think that's what she was worried about. I think she's scared to go back to her work because she doesn't think she's any good at it, which is absurd. Meulin's the best midwife in the world after our mama. I know Annes will want her help, and I think it'll be good for Linny.

19 April 1643

Equius came with me hunting today. He doesn't do that very often, partly because I don't want to work when we're together and partly because his aim isn't as good as mine. But this time he did, and it was nice. Linny and I used to hunt together. Maybe she'll be up for that sometime soon.

Anyways, Equius insisted on helping with the cooking, since he didn't help much with the hunting. We made a delicious stew together and he stayed for dinner with Meulin and the Vantases, and it was good. It felt like being a family again. The fire burned low and the candles flickered and we were still talking around the table, until Button decided it was bedtime and started to push us into bed. Karkat and Kankri insisted on cleaning up, and by the time I was in my room I could've fallen asleep in all my clothes.

Things are getting better.

21 April 1643

After lunch, when I put on my boots to go outside, Karkat asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going out to prepare for planting," I said. "The last frost is going to be soon, and it's time to start the seeds."

"Do you want help?" he asked.

"Um, alright," I said. "Do you mind hoeing?"

He shook his head, so I set him to hoeing straight rows while I planted the seeds that can stand a frost and need a little longer to grow. He asked me questions about how deep I plant things and why I put more than one seed in one spot and things like that. I suppose he wants to learn so he can have his own garden someday. It is nice to be able to talk about these things, though. Nature is so interesting, and I love studying it, and sometimes it's nice to talk about it with someone.

23 April 1643

There wasn't much to do today, so I went for a walk to the creek. I brought a book with me, walked a little ways towards to the spring, and sat down to read. It was still a little chilly, so I brought my spring cloak. I finally worked out how to make a cloak that doesn't bother me–the trick is to make it looser around my neck and make sure the weight rests more forward. My spring cloak is comfortable and keeps me warm.

The book was good and I actually felt rested. I'm trying to be careful and not overwork myself. I think if I got sick and fainted in front of my sister, she'd just about drop dead.

25 April 1643

Equius was over today, because it was Saturday. He said Horuss and Annes are doing well, and invited us over for dinner next week. He has about a year left of school, he thinks. The teacher who wants to give him a position, Mr. Kent, has been encouraging his work. I'm very proud of him. My best friend is going to design the best buildings in the whole country, I know it. I just hope it doesn't keep him in the city forever.

He says he doesn't want to live in the city–it's too loud and crowded, and everyone's in such a hurry all the time. I've never been, but I imagine it's stressful. I can't imagine living somewhere I couldn't see the trees.

Linny's been taking a lot of walks lately. I wonder if she missed the forest, too.

27 April 1643

The pine tree might be ready to go to the clearing soon. I don't want to move it until I'm sure it'll be warm enough. I planted it and raised it this far–I can't just abandon it to the forest anymore than I could abandon my flower garden or anything else I've made.

Karkat asked about it, and I told him most of it. I told him that the storm killed a tree that had been in the forest my whole life, and I was trying to grow a new tree for the clearing. It was our mama's favorite tree, or one of them, and I want it to still be there. Maybe I'll transplant it this summer. Once the seeds are in the ground and growing, I'll have more time for things like moving the pine tree.

29 April 1643

I was humming today while I made stew for dinner when Linny joined me.

"Can I help with anything?" she asked.

"No, I don't think so. It's just these, and then let it cook," I said.

"What were you singing?" she asked.

"One of Mama's old ballads," I said. "The one about May Collin. I was only humming it, anyways."

"I can still hear that," she said. "I can feel the vibrations."

I nodded. "Do you remember that one?"

"Of course. It was one of her favorites. She said it was one of the better stories about women she'd ever heard," she said.

"I should call you May, instead of Linny," I said, trying to cheer her up.

"Why on Earth would you do that?" she asked, baffled. "May Collin was tricked, and she was smart."

"So were you," I said.

"I wasn't. I was just…stupid," she said.

"I don't think you were," I said, because I don't. "Linny…I didn't know either. He tricked all of us, and then when you realized you were in danger, you outwitted him and came back home."

She shrugged. "I don't know. There must have been something. Someone else, someone smarter…they would've noticed something. If our mother were still here…"

I had a bad feeling about where she was going with that train of thought.

"She'd be happy you're home," I said.

"She'd think I was an idiot," she said.

I didn't know what to say to that for a long time. It almost hurt to hear.

"Don't talk about her like that. Our mama loved us," I finally said. "She would never, ever, have thought that."

Meulin didn't say anything back to that for a long time either. "I suppose not," she finally said. "I…I don't know. Do we need any bread?"

"No, Kankri's been making the bread lately," I said. "He's good at it."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked. "At all?"

I'm not always so good at understanding people, but I remembered that from when we first lived with our mama, and when our mama first passed away. We both feel it–we want to help. We need to help. We need to be useful.

"There are plenty of dishes that need cleaning," I said. "You remember the rule."

"Whoever cooks doesn't clean," she said with a little smile. "Fair enough."

It is…worrying, to hear my sister talk like that. Our mama loved us, and she would never have blamed Meulin for all this. It's Kurloz's fault. She must know that.

1 May 1643

I like May. The world looks green and alive again, and the sun feels warmer. Linny came back for me and Mama came to get me in May. I couldn't even walk the whole way back to our home and Mama had to carry me, I was so hungry. I don't remember it all that well, actually. I remember Linny coming into our room and shaking me awake, and telling me that we were leaving. She'd told me she was running away and that she'd come back, but I don't think I really believed it until she was there. I remember first seeing our mama's face and thinking that she looked kind, and that maybe I was going to be alright.

It was a long time before I was really healthy again, but while I was sick, Mama made me tea and broth, wrapped me up in warm quilts, and read to me when I was scared. I remember she never tried to hug me, because Linny told her I didn't like it, and I was so glad she wasn't going to try and then be disappointed and then I'd have to pretend it was fine. She understood.

3 May 1643

Equius was over today. I have enough meat right now, so we just stayed in and chatted. He was over during lunch, so we all sat down together–the Vantases, Equius, my sister, and me–to eat. I think Equius still felt a little bit awkward, but they at least exchanged a few words, which is more than they would do before.

Equius asked me later, when we were walking around outside, if my sister planned to visit soon. Apparently his brother asked her over, and she hasn't gone yet. I told him most likely she's nervous, because she hasn't done this in a couple of years. I think there's more too it than that, but I didn't want to tell her secrets, especially since I'm only guessing. If she doesn't go by the end of May I'll ask her about it. Equius said that would be fine, and we went along with our walk.

5 May 1643

It occurred to me today while I was in the market that I always feel a little bit like I'm acting when I'm there. Like I'm pretending to be an adult who goes and buys lard and makes change and is like everyone else. I guess I feel like that usually, but I notice it most in the village, when I'm around all these people who don't know me.

I saw Mrs. Reese and I feel less like I'm pretending when I talk to her, so I chatted with her for a little while. She knows I'm different and likes me anyways, or at least I think she does.

It's funny. I liked playing pretend with Linny when we were small partly because we could be ourselves when we were done. It's less fun when I can't stop.

7 May 1643

The garden needs a lot of work this time of year. Weeding, thinning, watering, just generally tending to the little sprouts so they grow into healthy plants. Karkat has been helping me. I don't ask him to, because I don't want him to feel like he has to work to stay here, but every time I lace up my boots and head for the back door, he puts his on too and follows me. He's also learning quick. I still do most of the weeding, but he did the carrots today perfectly.

I worry that he feels like he has to. I like having some help in the garden, of course, but I don't want anyone to feel like they have to work to live in my home. Karkat and Kankri are welcome here as long as they like, without needing to work. Maybe I should ask him. I know communicating is important, but I'm worried I'll say something wrong and ruin it. Maybe I'll talk to Equius. I think he'll help

9 May 1643

Equius and I went hunting together today, so I asked him about Karkat.

"I'm worried that he feels like he has to work to stay here, and I don't want that," I said. "I want to tell him that, but I don't know how."

He was very quiet for a long moment, and I knew he was taking it seriously and thinking hard. "Hm. I understand your worries. You don't want your generosity to be taken as conditional."

"But if he does want to help, I don't mind," I said. "I mean, it's nice to have some help sometimes, and he's good at fixing things. And I also don't like feeling useless."

"Have you said this to him before?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I've never been sure how."

He nodded. "Hm. It's a difficult thing to say. I think perhaps it would be best to start with the assurance that he is always welcome, and proceed from there."

"That's a good idea," I said. "I know I need to just say it, but it's hard."

"It is," he agreed. "There is no one else I know who I can talk to the way I talk to you."

"I feel the same way," I said.

"I know you will say the right thing," he said. "It need not be perfect, as long as you can say what you mean, and aren't cruel."

"Yes, I think you're right," I said. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said with a little smile.

I do feel better for having talked to him. He's right–I don't have to say the perfect thing. It'll be alright.

11 May 1643

I think Linny is sick. Besides her headaches, something just doesn't seem right with her. She's gaining back some weight and she's not so wan as she was, but she still doesn't seem well. I suspect she doesn't want to tell me everything, or that perhaps it hasn't even occurred to her. I want to help her, but I also don't want to make her tell me anything she doesn't want to. She can treat herself with her medicines, but if part of it is her mind, there's more to it than an herb or a few stitches.

14 May 1643

Today I finally gathered my courage and today, while Karkat and I were out in the garden, and I said, "Karkat?"

"Hm? What?" he said, looking up.

"You know you're welcome here as long as you like, right?" I asked.

"Yes," he said slowly. "Why?"

"I just wanted to tell you…you don't have to work or anything. I don't want you to feel like you have to work to stay here."

"I don't," he said.

"You always come to help me," I said.

"I…I like to keep busy," he said. "I get…bored, with nothing to do. I don't know. If you don't want me around I get it."

"No, I really appreciate it," I said. "You're good at fixing things and it's always good to have another pair of hands around. I just don't want you to feel like you have to."

He nodded. "I know. I really just want to help. Oh, actually, there's a leak in my room. I'll fix it tomorrow."

"If you'll be up there, would you mind checking the rest of the roof? The spring rains are hard on it."

"Oh, yeah," he said. "Might take the whole day, though. I can help in the garden if you want instead."

"No, that's fine. I can tend the garden on my own, and I would very much like to have a roof that doesn't leak," I said.

"Alright," he said. "Can I use your tools?"

"Of course. You don't need to ask," I said. "Can you bring the trowel over here?"

He nodded and brought it to me, and that was that.

16 May 1643

Meulin asked me something strange today. She asked me if I could put away the laudanum. We don't keep much on hand since we can't afford much, but we do have some. Linny mostly uses it for people who she thinks aren't going to survive, so they can be comfortable. But she said when she has her headaches, it's tempting. I don't know what she means by that, not really. The way she said it was like she was scared she wouldn't be able to stop herself.

There are so many things she isn't telling me, and it makes me nervous. I know things were very bad for her, and I'm worried that she's keeping it all inside to keep me from worrying. Which is, of course, making me worried. I don't want to make her talk to me, but I also don't want her to keep it all inside. I guess I just worry.

18 May 1643

It rained last night, and as far as I can tell the roof is good as new. Karkat is good at what he does. I suppose he fixed their old home before their father died.

The garden has become a bit of a field of mud. My boots were absolutely caked with it when I was done, but now I should be able to leave it on its own for a couple of days so I can go hunting. My boots have been through worse; they'll be fine.

I don't always mind when it rains. Of course I can't go to village or go out hunting unless we're really desperate, but it can be very cozy in our little house. The fire burns hot and I sit in the library with some knitting or a book. Button likes to curl up near the fire on cold days, so if I sit on the couch she'll snuggle up next to me. It's nice.

20 May 1643

Meulin went to see Annes and Horuss today. She looked so nervous. I knew it would go alright, but I suppose she wasn't so confident. I think she expects Horuss to be angry with her. He isn't. Or if he is, he's not going to say it to her. I've been upset with her, but I'd never tell her that. I'd talk to Equius usually, or my other friends sometimes.

Sometimes I am angry with her. She left me when I was only sixteen. I know I told her I would be fine, but I was only sixteen. I didn't understand what it meant to be alone. And I know it's not fair, but sometimes I'm so angry with how long it took her to realize things had gone wrong. Sometimes I'm upset she didn't leave earlier. I know that's not fair. She had to leave a nobleman, which is hard enough, and she loved him. It's easy to forgive someone when you love them.

I will never, ever tell her about feeling like this. I'll tell Equius and my journal, and then I will remember that really I'm mad at her ex-husband and that my sister loves me. She's only human, and a very kind man held her hand when our mama died. Of course she wouldn't always see him with clear eyes.

22 May 1643

I went hunting today and before long I had more than we needed. I don't shoot deer this time of year, since they're having their babies and I'd like there to be more deer next year, but there's plenty of other animals in the woods. And Button loves the entrails.

It's only spring, but I should probably start thinking about how much meat I'll want to prepare this year, with four of us in the house. Meulin can help me with that. She's good at preserving our food.

24 May 1643

Equius came by today to see me and we went for a walk to the river. We haven't crossed the bridge in quite a while and we didn't have time today, but I did climb up to make sure it was still sturdy. It made Equius very nervous, but the bridge was in fine shape. Maybe another time we'll cross the river.

He stayed almost until dinner, and we had tea and sat in the library together. Karkat joined us this time, which I didn't expect. He didn't say much, of course, but he sat there and whittled. He does tend to get fidgety.

None of us said much. We just sat together and did whatever we felt like doing. It was nice.

26 May 1643

I'm more sure than ever that my sister is sick. I mean, of course she's not well, since her husband has been manipulating and abusing her for years. But sometimes she looks and acts so tired that I think there must be something wrong with her body, too. I'm not sure what to do to help, though, since I don't know what exactly is wrong. I'll keep being there for her, I suppose, and making her tea.

In town today Kanaya asked after my sister. I told her things weren't perfect but we were alright. She made a face at me like she didn't really believe me, but didn't say that. I hope she's not too worried. We'll be alright.

28 May 1643

I suppose Kanaya is worried, because today she came by our home with food for us–bread and a hearty stew. She offered to stay and help with chores, but I told her we were fine. She has her aunt, anyways. She has enough on her mind.

It was nice of her to bring something for us to eat, though. I have a lot to do and it's nice knowing that dinner is already waiting for me. I should bring the Maryams something soon. I know Porrim helped my sister, and Kanaya's always been kind to me. At the very least I should bring them food in the winter.

30 May 1643

Karkat asked me today if he could make a new cloak rack to replace our old one, which (like everything else in our home) is pretty old and a little broken. I wasn't sure what to say at first, since I'd never thought about it, but I told him he absolutely could. It's very nice of him to offer. I told him he could use our tools and he said he knew where to get wood.

I think it's a little bit like me and my knitting. When I don't have anything to do, I just like to have some knitting in my hands to keep them busy. He says he likes to keep busy, and I suppose he does that by fixing things and building things.

Equius also came over today and we practiced shooting. He can hit the target from twenty paces pretty reliably. I'd trust him with Mama's bow now, I think.

2 June 1643

I went for a walk today across the river. I foraged some, but mostly I just enjoyed the sun. It's cloudy so often around here that I always try to appreciate the sun when it's out. And I'm trying to remember to take breaks, so I don't faint again. Equius would be furious, and my sister would be worried, and I imagine Karkat and Kankri would be at least a little concerned. Anyways, it's summer. People have enough food right now.

4 June 1643

I went to see the Portlands today. Mr. Portland has been having some trouble with his knees, so I brought some of our pain medicine and some salve that might help. He says he can feel the rain coming in his bones these days. It's a good thing their children can come by to help them. They're both slowing down a little bit. I do what I can, of course, but their children can come more often.

Button is definitely getting used to Karkat and Kankri. She was curled up next to Karkat today on the couch when I came home, sleeping. I'm glad she likes them.

6 June 1643

Karkat's almost done with the new cloak rack. He's been very precise with it, working carefully and meticulously. I don't mind–we're not in any hurry. Everything in our home has lasted my entire life, and it will manage for a few more years.

I should get back to selling my embroidery. I'd like to have a few coins in the money jar before winter comes again. It'd be nice to be able to get presents this year for our birthdays and Christmas and all that. I have time to do embroidery again, now, and I really enjoy doing it. It'll keep me busy, too. Equius said he'd love for me to do some for his family. Maybe I'll start there.

8 June 1643

Linny definitely isn't well. I think she vomited today. I saw her run outside while I was sewing, and when she came back in her eyes were tired and her mouth a bit too red. She drank a lot of water and chewed some mint leaves, and when I asked she told me she'd felt congested lately. She was lying. She's not a very good liar usually, and especially not to me.

I wish Mama was here. I'm sure she'd know what to say. Mama used to laugh when she told us that she was an excellent liar, and never explained when I asked why. I suspect that she knew what it was like to live with someone you had to lie to for your own safety. Of all people, she would know how to help my sister.

10 June 1643

It's strange, coming home these days. It's strange how early I can come home with enough food for everyone, and it's strange how many people are in my home. It's not bad, just…odd. I got used to living with the Reeses and Portlands, but I always knew they'd leave someday and I'd be living alone again. My sister is certainly here to stay, and I suspect that the Vantases will be here for a while. I thought for a while that I'd be living alone forever, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Now my family is back home, plus some others, and I think I might always live with them. I'm not sure how I feel about that, either, but I think in the same way that I could live alone and be happy, and I can live with people I care about and be happy.

13 June 1643

My sister vomited again today. Kankri came in today and asked me where the mint leaves were. I asked him why, and he said Meulin had asked for them. So, not only is she unwell, she's trying to keep it from me. I don't know how to ask. It's very worrying. Something must be very, very wrong, for her to be keeping such a secret. I don't know why Kankri knows, except that perhaps he saw her throwing up and so she couldn't really lie.

Well, she may be unwell, but she is gaining back some weight. She was thin as a stick when she came back, and now her cheeks aren't so hollow and her wrists aren't so bony. She's getting some color back, too. She doesn't look so wan. I hope it keeps up.

15 June 1643

I was putting on my boots today when Karkat said, "Do you need help?"

"Pardon me?" I said, surprised.

"Do you need help?" he said again.

"With what?" I asked.

"I don't know, whatever you're going out to do," he said.

"I'm just going for a walk," I said, confused.

"Oh," he said, and then he didn't seem to know what to say next.

"You can come with, if you like," I said. "I'm going to cross the river and look for berry patches."

"Alright," he said. "Hold on, let me get my shoes on."

"Of course," I said.

So we went for a walk across the river and found a patch of raspberries. I think I'll transplant some of them into the garden, and leave the rest to grow. It'll be good to have berries close by when we want them.

17 June 1643

It would be nice to have chickens. It would reduce the amount of hunting I need to do, and there would be eggs. I've thought about it for a while now–maybe even since before the storm. The only problem is that there's nowhere to put them. They'd need a coop to keep warm in the winter, but more important, they'd need a fence to keep out foxes and anything else that might want to eat them. Birds, too, might try to eat little chicks.

Perhaps I'll ask around. Someone might have chicks or chickens they'd like to give away.

19 June 1643

Mrs. Hill said today she'd be happy to give me a dozen little chicks and a couple of hens.

"What would you like for them?" I asked. "I have plenty of game, or I could embroider something."

"You don't need to pay me," she said.

"A dozen chicks is a lot!" I said.

"I have plenty more," she said. "And my goodness, you fed almost the whole village by yourself in the storm. Your mother delivered my children. It's only fair that I'd pay you with a few chickens."

I had no idea what to say to that. "I…thank you," I finally managed. "I…I still need to build a coop. Perhaps next spring?"

"Of course," she said. "Come by any time."

I thanked her again and went home. Our mama used to say that it all comes out in the wash, the people we help will help us back. I don't want anyone to think they owe me, is the only thing. It doesn't matter if no one gave me a thing. They're all still alive.

It is nice that we might have chickens next year without having to pay for them, though.

21 June 1643

Equius was over today, but it was too hot to do anything but sit in the shade of the woods and talk. After he had to go home, I went to the river to swim. My goodness, it felt lovely to cool off in the water. I almost didn't want to get back out. I did, of course, in the end, but I had so much time that I could just enjoy the cold until it was close to dinnertime.

I've been avoiding talking about bathing with the Vantases by going swimming and hauling the tub up to my room, but that can't go on forever. They need to bathe, too, and they can't swim. I really should bring it up.

22 June 1643

I was right–something is different with my sister. She's pregnant.

She told me today over a cup of tea at the table. She looked so very tired and I wasn't sure what to say.

"Oh," I said. "Do you want to be?" If she doesn't want the baby, I'll help her. She'll never have to go through that alone again.

"I don't know," she said, staring into her tea. "I want children. I've always wanted children. But…" She paused and looked off to the side. "I'm scared. I'm…scared I won't be able to love my baby."

It broke my heart to hear her say that. Her face was so tired and sad, and she wouldn't look at me. "Oh, Linny," I said, taking her hand.

"I don't have much time to decide. I have to choose soon, if I give the baby up or keep them. I don't want to try to end the pregnancy after three months," she said. Our mama always said that it was doable, but much more dangerous and less likely to work.

"Of course," I said. "What do you need from me? Anything I can do to help, just let me know."

"I…I just need to talk to you. What do you think I should do?" she asked, and I had no idea what to say. I think she needs to make the choice for herself! I can't tell her what's best for her, especially with something so serious as having a child.

Finally I said, "It's your body and your life. If you don't want to have his child, I'll help you end the pregnancy. If you want this child, I'll help you give birth. I can't choose for you."

"I don't know if this is my last chance. I don't know if I'll ever marry again," she said. She laughed a little at herself, sounding quite morbid. "I'm in no state of mind to go out and find another man. And I lost those babies I wanted, so what's to say I could ever carry a baby to term? But then…" She didn't say anything for a very long moment. "What if I can't do it? Kitty…I left you. How can I know I'll be a good mother?"

"You did leave me," I said, because it's true. "But you wouldn't do it again, right?" I don't think she would. Sometimes I'm angry with her still, but I know she loves me and tried to do what was right.

"Of course not," she said immediately, like another apology.

"That means you've learned. I think you'd be an excellent mother," I said, because I do. "You learned from our mama, and she was the best."

"What if I don't love my baby?" she asked.

"You're already calling it your baby," I pointed out. "And I think you'll be able to love them, if you want the baby."

"I can't even hear," she said. "And my headaches!"

"You have help," I said. "It takes a village, doesn't it? Mama had Mr. Zahhak and his wife. I'm always hear for you. Our friends will help, too." Then I realized I sounded like I was trying to persuade her. "I don't mean to talk you into having a baby. I just want it to be because you want to or don't want to, not because you think you wouldn't be able to do it."

"Thank you," she said.

"Do you know what you want to do now?" I asked.

"I think so," she said. "Thanks for listening to me. I…I sort of forgot I can talk to people.

I don't know much about how things were for her in the castle, but I never suspected she'd forget that. Meulin has always been able to talk a mile a minute when she wants. How could she not talk to people? "You're my sister," I said. "You can always talk to me."

"I know," she said with a little smile. "I think…I need to rest now."

"Of course," I said. "Just let me know what you need."

"Thank you," she said, and went up to her room. I don't know what she's decided, but I'm glad I could help her.

24 June 1643

Linny's going to keep her baby. Today she went through our mama's book and mixed up some herbs she usually gives to pregnant people. They're good for the baby. When I asked, she nodded. She has some sort of plan, but she didn't want to tell me just yet.

Well, she has been getting used to midwife work again. I guess I should, too, since I'll be helping to deliver the baby.

26 June 1643

Meulin's plan is a bit wild, but it seems it worked. She's going to marry Kankri. She asked him today and he said yes. Since he doesn't love women and wouldn't want to marry one who expected anything beyond friendship, it seems like a fine idea to me.

I suppose this means the Vantases will be living with us for real now. I really should figure out what to do about the bathing situation.

28 June 1643

Equius was over today, so I told him about the wedding. He was surprised, but understood once I'd explained it. He'll be there, of course, with his brother and sister-in-law. I think, even if it's no noble wedding, it will be a nice time.

We went out for a walk since it was a little cooler outside. We went to the creek and followed it back a little ways, although we didn't have time to make it all the way to the spring. One of these days we'll go there. But then, if Linny's having a baby, I may not have as much free time for a while! Babies can be a lot of work, and of course I'll help Meulin.

I wish growing up didn't mean seeing my friends less. I have all these responsibilities now that take up my time. At least I can still see Equius on the weekends.

30 June 1643

Linny was married yesterday. It was simple and comfortable and fun, and today when she put her hand on her belly I saw her smile. She's going to have her baby, and she'll get to be happy about it.

A lot has been happening lately, and I think a lot will continue to happen for a few more months yet. At least now I can hope that it will be all good things.