1 October 1643

Button's been staying inside more these days. She does generally prefer the indoors, but in the winter she nearly always likes to come cuddle up with me while we sleep to stay warm. She's getting older, too. She's almost fourteen! She's older even than Linny was when we left our birth parents.

I don't know how long cats usually live. I know Button is older than most of the cats in the village. She looks about the same she did when she was ten, or five. I hope she has a few more years left to live. I don't want to lose her.

3 October 1643

I went hunting today. We're going to have another mouth to feed soon, and I want to be ready. Of course the baby won't be eating solid food yet, but Meulin will need the extra food so she can feed her baby. And if anyone else needs it this winter, I want to have food for them. People's stores have mostly recovered, but this growing season wasn't very good, and we didn't get a lot of rain. I don't want to let anyone go hungry.

All the trees except the evergreens are dropping their leaves now. I like to go for walks when the leaves fall. I like how they feel when they crunch under my feet. Sometimes I like to pick up the prettiest leaves to have around the house, since the flowers aren't blooming anymore.

5 October 1643

I finished the sock I was working on today. While I was working on its match, Karkat came and sat next to me and worked on his own pair. We didn't really talk, but it was nice to knit with someone else. It felt very companionable. And I'm glad to know he won't have cold toes either this winter.

I never thought about it, but it makes sense that he and Kankri know how to do things like cook and knit. Their mother was never around, and the impression I have of their father is that he was not very good at keeping a house.

7 October 1643

Meulin and Karkat and Kankri and I took the baby things out from the closet under the stairs today and moved them up to Meulin's room. I was going to carry the crib with Karkat, but Meulin insisted she wanted to help with that. I think she's worried about not doing enough, which is silly. She doesn't have to do anything.

We don't have anything for older children, because Mama's baby was never even two years old. I'll have to start on those things soon, so we have them ready when the baby's here. They grow faster than people realize!

8 October 1643

I went hunting today with my sister. She usually can't sit still, but today she was content to stay in one place and wait, like I usually do. She said her legs hurt. That makes sense to me. She's very pregnant now, and I imagine it's a lot of extra work on her legs to carry the baby around. So we sat at one of my usual spots and waited quietly for the animals to come by.

I also heated up some water for her to use once we were home, because hot water is good on sore muscles. I hope it helped.

10 October 1643

I went into town today to buy a few things we needed and I ran into Vriska of all people. So I was polite and asked her how things were, and she said she's leaving. Her birthday is next month, and she's going to met her aunt's ship in port that very day. So she really is going away and might never come back. I told her I was happy for her that she was getting to do what she wants to do. I guess I am, but as much as I don't like her, I'm a little worried. She could be hurt, or even killed. The ocean is a dangerous place. I don't like her, but I don't want her to get hurt either.

I wonder if she's told Terezi, or Tavros.

13 October 1643

We went to see Mrs. Samson today, because we've harvested the garden and gathered most of what we can from the woods. We practiced a lot, and told stories to get used to new words. Linny told Mrs. Samson about a time she went with Mama to help a young man who fell repairing his roof. He had been quite unwise in how he went about it.

I tried Mama's work when I was younger, but I can't do it, not like Linny can. I can't watch people suffer. People Meulin works with die. I couldn't do that. Mama said she understood and I never had to do her work. I think she did. Even though I'm different, she always understood me.

15 October 1643

I saw Kanaya in town today and asked her about Vriska.

"She's really leaving," I said.

"I won't believe it until she's gone," Kanaya said.

"Has she told Tavros and Terezi yet?" I asked.

"I would say she's most likely told Terezi. I doubt she's mentioned it to Tavros," she said.

"Do you think we should tell him?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, not yet. She still has time to do the kind thing."

"Alright. I guess she has been saying it for years," I said.

Kanaya nodded. "Perhaps she has told him. I haven't seen him lately to ask."

"I guess they're getting everything ready for the winter," I said. "I'm sure we'll see him at the festival."

"Yes, you're right," she agreed. "Well, I have to get back home to my aunt. Good day."

"Good day," I said, and went back home.

Part of me hopes she told him, because it would be the kind thing to do, but part of me hopes she didn't and doesn't. Maybe that will help him see that she's not good for him.

17 October 1643

I helped Karkat with the chicken coop today. It's almost done. He wants to have it done before it gets too cold to work outdoors for long. The problem with building is that it's hard to do with gloves or mittens on, so he wants to finish the work before he loses fingers to the cold. I certainly agree with that! I don't want him to get hurt for the sake of our future chickens.

Even today, his fingers got all red and swollen when we finally came inside. I made him go sit by the fire to warm up and made us cups of tea to drink and to hold. He smiled at me when I did, this sort of half-smile he gives me sometimes when I try to do something nice for him. I suspect he got used to not smiling and is out of the habit. I hope he has more to smile about here.

19 October 1643

Today after lunch Meulin asked me if we could talk for a moment.

"It's about my wedding dress," she said.

"What about it?" I asked.

"I don't want to wear it," she admitted. "But I don't want to waste the fabric. It's so nice. I thought you might want it for something, or have an idea of what to do with it."

It is a beautiful dress. It's a wonderful color of blue and a very soft fabric. It didn't seem right to cut it up for baby clothes when it's practically new. So I said, "You could give it away. Someone else could wear it to their wedding. Then it would be happy for someone else."

"That's a good idea," she said, still looking down at the dress.

"Bring it to the church," I suggested. "Someone there will know who's getting married soon."

"I will." Then she used her hands to add, "Thank you, Kitty."

"You're welcome, Linny," I said with my hands.

I hope that's the right thing to do. If my sister can't have good memories in this dress, maybe someone else can.

21 October 1643

Karkat asked me today if I would read aloud to him, like Meulin does for Kankri. I was a little surprised, because he didn't seem that interested in reading, but I told him of course. I picked an adventure book Linny and I liked when we were small and we read together until it was too dark.

After that, he asked if I'd teach him to write, too. I told him I'd never taught anyone before but I'd be willing to try. I only barely remember learning to write, so I don't know where to start. I suppose I'll start with the letters and go from there.

23 October 1643

Karkat finished the chicken coop today, and we decided to put it in back of the house not too far from the garden. He said in the spring he'll put a fence up around it to keep the foxes out. He also said he might put something overhead to keep the birds from getting the little chicks. I hadn't thought of that. I told him he didn't have to, of course, but he likes working with his hands, so maybe he wants to.

Our chickens will be very safe, and I'm glad of that.

25 October 1643

Today while we were working in the garden, preparing it for winter, Meulin asked me the strangest thing.

"Would you hand me that trowel?" I asked, pointing.

She grabbed it, handed it to me, and then burst out, "Why aren't you angry at me?"

I wasn't sure what to say to that. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I left you," she said. "I hardly wrote, I barely visited and I…I stayed with him, Kitty. I…I abandoned you. And I didn't come back."

I had no idea what to say to that, because I was angry with her for a long time. Sometimes I still am. She did leave me when I was only sixteen, and she didn't come back for a long time. But I know it's more complicated than that. So I finally said, "You said you were sorry."

"I am," she said. "I'm so sorry."

"That's why I'm not angry," I said. She did a lot of things that I think were wrong, but she is very sorry and would never do them again. Even without her ex-husband doing what he did to her (which I will never forgive him for), she said sorry and meant it.

"I did so many stupid things," she said. "I made a lot of–wrong choices."

I shrugged. "You still said you were sorry. And I know you are. And…I know how these things work. Mama taught me, too. I was there when she treated Mrs. Waters." I was twelve when Mrs. Waters came to see Mama with her arm almost broken. Mama tried to explain it to me, but I didn't really understand. I was too young. I understand more now.

"But, Mrs. Waters…Mama taught us all about that, and I still fell for it," she said.

"Mama said it can happen to anyone," I said. I rubbed one of the leaves from the weed I was holding in between my fingers to keep calm and added, "You don't have to be angry at yourself, you know."

"What do you mean?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"I mean…" I wasn't quite sure how to say it. It felt like she was so angry with herself that she couldn't imagine that anyone else wouldn't feel that way. Or like she was so used to people being angry at her that she forgot that people do forgive each other. "I'm not angry at you, but I think you're angry at yourself. But it's not your fault. It's his." I meant that with all my heart. "You were kind and patient with him and he–he hurt you. That's his fault. I'm angry at him." I realized I'd crushed the leaf in my fingers, because I am still angry at him. I think I might always be.

"He tried to love me," she said weakly.

"He didn't do a very good job," I said.

She laugh a little, but it sounded wobbly and tired. "I…I suppose not."

"You deserve better, Linny," I said, because it's true. "And I'm not angry at you."

"Thank you," she said. "Now hand me that hoe. We have more to dig up."

I could tell she didn't want to talk about it anymore, so we went back to gardening until it was dark. I hope she stops being so upset with herself. She made mistakes, but he hurt her on purpose. He meant to hurt her. A mistake is one thing; doing something like that on purpose is quite another. I don't think I'll ever forgive him.

27 October 1643

I'm very excited for the festival! When Equius was over this weekend we talked about it. He's going to be in town so we can dance together and talk with all our friends and enjoy the good food. It's going to be such fun.

He said Horuss and Annes are both doing well, and so is his father. Mr. Zahhak's health isn't very good, and hasn't been for a long time, but he's not getting worse. He also hasn't started to lose parts of his mind the way people sometimes do when they get to be very old. He's still as sharp as ever. I'm glad to hear that. Mr. Zahhak always helped us, and he helped Mama, too. I want him to be happy and healthy.

29 October 1643

I went to visit the Portlands today in their new home. It's such a cozy little place. I brought some stew and sat with them and talked for a little while over cups of tea. Mrs. Portland said her knees are bothering her more these days, so I asked Linny to mix up something for pain I could bring her. People's joints sometimes work less well when they get older, the same way a hinge starts to squeak. I can't make her knees work again, but I can give her something to make them less painful.

She used to be a wonderful seamstress, she told me, before her eyesight started going. Now she mostly knits, because she doesn't have to see the tiny stitches so precisely. Getting old seems like it's a lot of work, and rather unpleasant. I wish it wasn't that way. The Portlands are very kind people, and I don't like to see them suffer.

31 October 1643

It was All Souls' Day today! Kankri baked apple bread, which is always delicious, and we all went into town together to enjoy the festival. It was wonderful! I danced until my feet hurt, and then a little more. The food was wonderful and everything was bright and happy. My sister can't dance very much right now, of course, but I saw her sitting with the other women who are pregnant and have small babies, and she was tapping her foot and smiling. I'm glad she was smiling.

I danced with all my friends, and I danced especially with Equius, because he's my best friend. He also understands how I prefer to be touched–not too lightly. I love dancing. It makes everything feel light and easy, and I know my feet will always land where I went them to go. It feels like I can express all the joy in my body and make it beautiful.

We had to walk home slowly because Meulin's baby makes her lose her breath more easily, but my legs were so tired I didn't mind one bit.

1 November 1643

All Saints' Day today, and it was even more fun! There was food and music and dancing and all my friends, and it was wonderful. I think my sister had a good time, too. I was worried that she'd been too tired or sad to enjoy the festivals, but I saw her smiling and laughing with her friends.

Karkat was also smiling, which is so unusual for him I was quite surprised. He agreed to dance with me for a song, and he laughed when I twirled a little too fast for him. He's so serious, usually, that I didn't expect him to laugh. I think he takes on a lot of responsibility and forgets that he can ask other people for help. He and his brother could have come to me much sooner, but I think their pride held them back. I suppose I can't really criticize him for that without being a hypocrite. But anyways, I'm glad I could get him to laugh.

3 November 1643

It's awfully chilly out these days. I've been wearing more layers and I got out another quilt for my bed last night. Winter is very much on the way, and I expect the first frost to come soon. It's a good thing we harvested the garden already.

Most of the trees have lost most of their leaves, except the evergreens. I don't always like how the forest looks after the leaves have fallen and before the snow. They look skeletal and tired, like they've worked too hard and eaten too little. In the snow they look starkly beautiful, comfortably asleep, but right now they look like they're exhausted and still awake. I feel bad for them. I hope the snow comes soon and they sleep well this winter.

5 November 1643

We went to see Mrs. Samson today, Linny and I. We brought some garlic bread to share and practiced talking with her. She told us a lot about quilting, which she used to do when she was younger, and showed us one of the ones she made back then. It was very beautiful and looked like a lot of work! So I told her about the quilt Mrs. Reese made for me, the one that looks like flowers. It was such a kind thing of her to do.

I should visit the Reeses soon. I haven't seen them in a while, and it'll be good to talk to them.

7 November 1643

Meulin said today that Porrim and Kanaya are going to come over to help with her birth. I'm glad of that, because I don't know if I could do it myself. I know some of what Mama taught Linny, but I never liked her work and she didn't make me learn it. I don't like the blood and pus and other such things, but I'll tolerate them for my sister's sake. She'll need my help to have her baby, and I'm going to be there. No one should have a baby alone.

Meulin said she'll have plenty of time to know when the baby's coming, hours, so I should have plenty of time to run to the village for the Maryams. She also said it's probably going to be in about a month. It feels very soon! I'm a little scared, because it is dangerous to give birth. I hope everything goes well.

9 November 1643

Equius came to visit today. We went walking to the creek and I told him about the conversation with my sister where she asked why I wasn't mad at her. He was very thoughtful for a long time, and then said, "I agree with your assessment."

"I feel a little bit bad that I lied," I said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I am still angry at her sometimes. I know it's not fair, but I am," I said.

He thought about that for a long time, too. "I think…hm. I think sometimes to lie is the correct thing to do. In this case, the full truth would be painful and do no good. But I also think that it was largely the truth you said."

"I suppose," I said. "I'm mostly angry at her ex-husband now. Well, I've always been angry at him, and I don't intend to stop. I just mean I'm less upset with her."

"I think you did the right thing," he said. "I…I am glad you feel you can confide in me about those more difficult emotions."

"I trust you," I said. "And I appreciate you listening. It's…complicated."

"Of course it is," he said. "I am always here for you, and your family. And for what it is worth, I am…so glad that your sister is home." He blinked when he said that, and for a moment I thought he might cry. It's all been hard on him, too. He missed her and saw how painful it was for me and for his family when she was gone.

"Me too," I said. "How about we get back inside, where it's warm?"

He nodded, and we went home together to drink tea and get warm by the fire.

11 November 1643

I went to visit the Reeses today. Mr. Reese was out working, but Mrs. Reese was home with James and Anna. They're growing up so fast! Not too long ago Anna was a tiny infant who could barely move her own arms, and now she's running after her brother and saying her first words.

"They do grow up fast," Mrs. Reese agreed, when I said that.

"My sister's baby is coming soon," I said.

"How is your sister?" she asked.

"Doing well. As well as she can, anyways, with how pregnant she is," I said.

"I'm glad to hear that. I know she wasn't well at first when she came back," she said.

"Things were hard for her," I agreed. "But it's better now."

"And how's her husband? Kankri Vantas, right?" she asked.

"He's well, too," I said. "He and his brother are learning to read from some of our books. It's been fun teaching them."

She smiled. "I'm glad you're doing that. It's a great gift to be able to read." She glanced at her children and added, "I should start teaching them soon."

"I'm sure they'll enjoy it," I said. "And it's easier to learn young."

She nodded her agreement, and we chatted for a little while longer until I had to go back home. It's always good to see Mrs. Reese and James and Anna. They're a kind family and I like them a lot.

13 November 1643

We had another frost this morning. I love the way the fallen leaves look with a little frame of shiny frost around their edges, and they crunch when you step on them. I know I say it a lot, but I'm very glad we have everything safely harvested and inside the house. I want to be ready for winter.

Karkat and I have been reading together more lately. It's so cold that we spent a lot of time inside the house, so we read a lot. He and his brother are also helping with things like mending and sewing, the things we leave for when it's too cold to go outside. Most of our clothes are fine, but Karkat wore one of his shirts through at the elbows and one of my skirts got ripped when I was climbing.

Karkat said he'd had that shirt for five years. No wonder it looked too tight on him, and no wonder he wore it through at the elbows! No one is the same size at twenty as they are at fifteen. I think they both need new clothes, but I don't think I can bring that up. Maybe they'll let me get some fabric, at least.

15 November 1643

Annes had her baby today! Equius came running to knock on our door, and all he managed was "Annes sent me". Meulin was on her feet in a second and called for me to come with. I went, of course, and when we got to their home, Annes was pacing around and fidgeting with her dress. Meulin took her upstairs, sent Equius back to our house for the birthing chair, and had me mix up some medicines she might want to use. I took the birthing chair up to my sister and then we sat downstairs and waited. We could hear Annes crying and screaming and I know that's normal but it was still scary.

Horuss came back with Annes's mother, and then he waited with us, too. I managed to read a little, but Horuss couldn't even sit still. He kept jumping up and going outside for a minute or two and then coming back in. Whenever Annes yelled, he'd glance up at the ceiling at bite his lip. I kept wondering if I'd hear my sister call for me, because I knew that would be a bad sign. She'd only call me if she needed help.

But in the end, Meulin came downstairs and told us, "It's a boy, and he's perfectly healthy, as is Annes."

Horuss gasped aloud and collapsed into his chair. "May I see them?" he asked nervously.

"Let me clean up a little first," she said. "And know that she may be asleep. I won't be long."

She wasn't. After she'd finished cleaning, she told Horuss to come on up. She said she'd stay the night, just in case, and sent me home to sleep. I fell asleep immediately, of course, because it was very late.

I'm just so glad Annes and her baby are alright. Everyone has been nervous this whole time, and now, after all that stress, they finally have a wonderful baby to hold and to love. I'm so happy for them. I'm happy for my sister, too. I hope this helps her see that she can still do all the things she used to, and that she's good at them.

17 November 1643

Today in the village I saw Vriska, and she told me goodbye.

"So you're leaving?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "Tomorrow morning. I'm all packed. Damn! I'm sick to death of this boring town. I don't know how you stand it."

I felt a little defensive of my home, but I just said, "Well, everyone likes different things."

She laughed. "You're out of your mind, Nepeta. One of these days you'll realize."

"Realize what?" I asked.

"What a shithole you live in," she said. "I've gotta go. Goodbye forever."

"Goodbye," I said, feeling confused and insulted. She walked away, and I'll probably never see her again. I might not even find out if she dies. I'm not very close with her family, and my sister isn't either. All these years growing up so close to each other, and now she's gone. I hope she's making the right choice for herself. I don't like her and I never really did, but I hope she's happy on that boat. She certainly wasn't happy here.

19 November 1643

I went to see Tavros today. I thought he might want a friend. He was with the calves, teaching them to be around people. So I sat with him on the extra milking stool and asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm alright," he said. "The cold isn't too hard on my legs anymore."

Him saying that reminded me how much I don't like Vriska, but I just said, "I mean, about Vriska leaving."

His hand stilled where he'd been petting a calf and he said, "I'll miss her."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"She's been saying it for years, but I thought…well, I guess I thought she'd stay for me," he said.

"I guess she had her reasons," I said. "I'm sorry." I knew it wouldn't help to say that that was a stupid thing to think, so I kept that to myself.

He shrugged. "I guess she never would've married me anyways. Even if her father let her, she's right–I'm weak."

"No you're not," I said. "Why would you think that?"

"I let people walk all over me," he said, which I suppose is sort of true, but mostly it was Vriska doing the walking. "I don't stand up for myself. And I'm still using these crutches."

"There's nothing wrong with using crutches. She's the one who pushed you! It's not fair of her to tell you to stop using crutches when she was the one who hurt you," I said.

"She was trying to help me," he said halfheartedly.

"But she hurt you," I said.

He sighed. "I'm a weakling."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you," I said. "If you want to stand up for yourself more, that's fine. But I think you're great, and I like you. You're my friend."

"Oh. Thank you," he said. He started petting the calf again, and she mooed in response. "I'm going to miss her a lot."

"I know. I'm sorry," I said. "If you ever want to talk, you can come visit me."

"Thank you," he said. "I…I'd like to be alone for a little while, I think."

"Of course," I said, and I left.

I wish he could see that she's wrong, that she treated him like garbage and anything she says about him is wrong. I wish my sister could see that, too. I guess what I really wish is that nasty people like Vriska and Kurloz wouldn't hurt people around them, but I guess that won't happen anytime soon. For now, I just want my friends and family to see that they're not the ones who did something wrong.

21 November 1643

Apparently, Linny's been having trouble sleeping. I heard her tossing and turning enough last night that I went to check on her. She said her stomach makes it hard for her to get comfortable. That makes sense to me! It must be uncomfortable, being so pregnant. She says she's due within the next month or so, and she admitted to me that she was looking forward to not being pregnant anymore, even if she is nervous about giving birth.

I'll admit I'm also a little nervous about her giving birth. I'm the only person who's even slightly capable of helping her, and even with Kanaya and Porrim there, I'm scared something will go wrong and I won't be able to fix it. I'm scared she'll die and I'll have a baby to raise. I'm not ready for that! I'm also scared she'll live and her baby won't, and then for the rest of our lives I'll have to know it's my fault she doesn't have a child. And I'm scared to lose both of them and never see my sister again after all it took to bring her back.

Giving birth is scary. I don't know how my sister does the work she does. I could never.

23 November 1643

Equius was in town today. He asked me to come to his home to meet little Nicholas, so I did. Horuss's mother-in-law had baked shortbread so we had that with tea, and I got to hold the new baby. He's so tiny! He has the smallest little fingernails. He was asleep when I held him, so he didn't fuss. I've held babies before, but this is the youngest one, and the first one who I would call part of my family.

Annes and Horuss said they'd like me to be Nicholas's aunt. I told them of course. Annes already asked my sister, naturally. I've never wanted babies of my own, but I love Nicholas and I will be there for him. The Zahhaks are like family, and this new little Zahhak is part of that.

24 November 1643

Button didn't come home last night. I asked Linny this morning, and she hadn't see her. I'm a little worried. Button's not so young anymore, and she could be hurt. And with the chilly weather, she likes the spend the night inside the house. Well, she's always liked the inside of the house more than the outside.

If she doesn't come back by tomorrow morning, I'll go out looking for her. I don't want her to get hurt.

25 November 1643

Button came back this morning! She didn't seem hurt anywhere. I even picked her up to feel for broken bones (which she did not appreciate). I'm so glad she's back. I know she might not have much longer to live, and I want the rest of her life to be happy. I don't want her to die in pain.

Karkat thinks it's funny how she pushes us all upstairs for bedtime. He used to find it odd, I think, but when it was time for bed and she started nudging, he patted her head and told her he'd missed that about her. She meowed back. I'm glad he likes her. I think having a cat has been good for Linny and me, and I hope it's good for Karkat and Kankri, too.

27 November 1643

I walked out to the river today to see if it was frozen enough to skate on. It's not yet, but it's getting there. I didn't have anything else to do, so I walked along the riverbank for a little while. It hasn't snowed yet, so the trees don't have their blanket, but the icing of the frost made things look a little less bleak.

It was very quiet out in the woods. With four people and a cat in my home, and a baby on the way, things aren't quiet there all the time. I don't mind, but I like some peace when I can get it. I like being by myself sometimes. The air was cold and the wind was sharp, but it was quiet and beautiful and good.

Good until I was entirely too cold and had to go back to get warm by the fire. My goodness, that wind was something! Linny said my nose was all red. I'm not surprised! It felt very good to wrap my hands around a hot cup of tea and sit by the fire until I could feel all my toes again.

29 November 1643

Equius and I stayed inside today and read. Karkat saw us and when I saw him, I asked if he'd like to join us. So we three read together, switching between Equius and me, until it was dark and Equius had to go home. It was an adventure book, my favorite kind. I love stories about fighting monsters and traveling across a dozen countries. I don't want to leave home myself, but I love to read about it.

I like Equius's reading voice. It's very steady and even. I sometimes notice myself reading different characters in different voices. Equius doesn't do that. I don't think the way I read bothers him or anything. I just like how he reads, too. It's soothing. It's just calming to sit with my best friend and read.

1 December 1643

It snowed today! It was so beautiful, watching the flakes drift down in the moonlight. I love watching the snow. It makes everything quiet and peaceful, and the world always looks a little bit magical afterwards. I loved to pretend there was magic in the world when I was little. I know now there's no such thing, but when I look at a fresh snowfall at dawn, it still feel magic somehow.

Maybe that's God. God made this beautiful world, and I think maybe moments like that are when I feel God.

3 December 1643

Button has been especially cuddly lately. Meulin thinks it's because Button knows Meulin's baby is almost here. That makes sense to me. Button treats us like her cat family, so of course she wants to protect the new baby. Cats are smarter than people give them credit for. But it's not just with Linny–Button wants to cuddle me, more, too. She decided to sit on my lap today and got quite in the way of my mending! I don't mind, not really. I suppose I'm just a little worried, because it could mean something is wrong with her. I don't know how to tell if a cat is sick, besides the obvious signs like vomiting. I hope she's okay.

5 December 1643

Tavros came by today. I was surprised he came all the way out here on his crutches, but he's getting quite fast with them. He asked if I'd like to go for a walk, so we went out to the river. We didn't talk about Vriska. I didn't want to ask about her if he didn't say anything, and he didn't bring her up, so I let it be. A few times when she was first home, Linny wanted to talk about anything except her ex-husband, so I figured it was the same with Tavros.

I can't help but be a little worried about him, though. I don't think he's going to do anything rash, but she hurt him badly. I want to be there for him, but I don't know what he needs or how to help. I wish I knew.

7 December 1643

Today Equius and I went for a walk, mostly because I wanted to talk to him.

"Meulin's going to have her baby soon," I said.

"Indeed," he said.

"I have to help her give birth," I said.

"I expected as much," he said.

"What if I can't do it?" I burst out.

"Pardon?" he asked.

"What if I can't do it? What if I do it wrong and hurt her or her baby? I haven't done this before! This is her work! Equius, I…I'm so scared," I said.

He didn't respond for a long moment, and I could tell he was thinking. I appreciate that about him. He always thinks when I tell him things like this, so I know he's taking me seriously. "I think you are a highly competent person," he said. "It is natural to be frightened, but please know that I have complete faith in you."

"Thank you," I said.

"It may not be your work, but when you have stood in for your mother or sister, you have done very well, in my estimation," he said. "You and she will be fine. I am certain."

"Thank you, Equius," I said again. It didn't make it all go away, but his faith in me does make me feel like I can do things. Even if the whole world things I'm childish and silly and wrong, my best friend doesn't. He knows what I can do, and he believes in me. It helps.

Then we went home and warmed up with cups of tea. My goodness, it's cold out these days.

10 December 1643

Linny and I went to visit with Mrs. Samson today. It's probably our last visit before her baby is born. Mrs. Samson can't walk very far, so we won't be able to see her again until Meulin feels well enough to come by. Mrs. Samson said she understood and will be very happy to meet the baby whenever Meulin feels ready.

We talked about lots of different things–Mrs. Samson raising her own children, her life when she was young, our childhood with our mama. Mrs. Samson remembers Mama. It's always nice to talk with people who knew her. Even after all these years, I still miss her sometimes, and it's nice to know other people remember her, too.

12 December 1643

Button is definitely acting different. Besides the cuddling, she's been eating more, I think. She always asks for entrails but she ate more today than she normally does. It was a little surprising. I'm not sure if I need to do anything, though. She's more cuddly and eating more. Those aren't signs of illness as far as I know. She's not vomiting or anything. With people, when they eat a lot it's a good thing, and I hope it's the same for cats.

She's very soft. I like to pet her head when I'm worried or stressed. It helps me feel calmer and like I can handle whatever is worrying me. When she purrs for me, I feel like things are going to be alright. At the very least, I can take care of my cat.

13 December 1643

Meulin had her baby today! She's a little girl and her name is Cecily. Meulin gave her our last name and Dianna for her middle name, after our mama. She's the most wonderful little baby I've ever seen. She has such a little nose and such big eyes.

It was a simple birth, luckily. I didn't have to do much but make sure the afterbirth was delivered correctly and clean up Cecily after Meulin held her the first time. Kanaya and Porrim just had to get things when I asked for them and remind Meulin to breath deep.

The look in my sister's eyes when I handed her her baby was incredible. I've never seen her so happy. She held her little daughter and didn't say a word–she just cried and petted Cecily's little head. Eventually she let me clean them both up and wrap Cecily up in a blanket I'd made, and now they're both asleep in her bed. She's told Cecily she loves her at least a dozen times by now, and I suspect she'll say it two dozen more tomorrow. I can tell her heart is full. I'm just so happy for her. She was scared that somehow she wouldn't love her baby, or that she couldn't be a mother, but I always knew she could. I think now she can see that for herself.

I love Cecily, too. I took one look at her and I knew I'd do anything for her. She's my niece and I am going to be the best aunt I can.

15 December 1643

Things have been a bit hectic around the house, unsurprisingly. Meulin doesn't feel up to much, of course, and I told her to rest and be with her baby. Karkat and Kankri and I can take care of the house–she should focus on recovering and finally getting to hold her little one.

Kankri's taken over much of the cooking while I do other things, cleaning and mending and such. He's quite good at it. Karkat told me that Kankri's been cooking for years, while Karkat took on a lot of the work of keeping the house upright. He said it offhandedly, like it wasn't much of an issue, but it made me angry at their father. It shouldn't be his children's job to keep the household running! They were children, but their father didn't treat them that way.

Cecily won't have that kind of life. We're going to take care of her–all of us. She's going to have a better childhood than I did. I'll make sure of it.

17 December 1643

I held Cecily today while Linny ate and bathed and prepared some medicines, and I felt the weight of the responsibility again. She's a child who needs love and care, and it's our job to give it to her. I think Meulin feels the same way. She holds her daughter so close and so gently.

I want to be here for my sister as she takes on such a task. It's not going to be easy, raising a child. It's only been four days and already Meulin has dark circles under her eyes and tangles in her hair. She's going to need help, and I want her to know that I'll always be there for her, whatever help she needs.

I have more family now that I ever did before. I want them all to know that I love them.

19 December 1643

I completely forgot about Advent! With everything going on, I suppose it just slipped my mind. I set out the candles today and lit the first three, even though it's a Friday. I don't want to just not do Advent! I like Advent. It's a time of waiting and preparing, a time to be excited because something wonderful is coming. The world is cold and dark but even then, there's something good happening.

I'll remember to light the last candle, for love, in two days, and we'll be ready for Christmas. I doubt we'll do much this year, but I'll cook dinner with Karkat and Kankri and we might go to the festival. We don't have money for gifts, but I think that's alright. We're all adults now, and can understand that gifts aren't possible. And Cecily is much too young for them. She won't even remember this.

It's odd to me that there are things we'll do that she won't remember but could impact her for the rest of her life. I don't remember being hungry when I was a baby but it's all I'd ever known when I was a child, so I'm sure I was. I can't remember those times but they still changed my life. I just hope the things we do now that she won't remember are things that won't hurt her, even after she's outgrown the memories.

21 December 1643

Today at dinner I lit the candle for love. The light reflected off of Cecily's big green eyes and I felt the love swell up inside me like a pot boiling over. Meulin said that she never knew she could love the way she does now until she held her baby for the first time. She's such a wonderful little baby. She's not even my baby and my heart feels full when I look at her or hold her. How much more Meulin must feel!

Linny wants to help with Christmas. I don't want her to, but I understand why she wants to. Maybe I can ask her to do something small and easy, and us three will do most of the rest. It's only been a week since the birth, and it takes much longer than that to fully recover. Mama always told people to take a month at least if they could to rest and bond with their baby.

I can hear Cecily crying sometimes at night, but never for long enough that I feel the need to go check on her. It seems Button has taken on the role of alerting my sister if something's wrong with my niece. She's a good cat.

23 December 1643

Today I took Cecily for an hour or so while Meulin caught up on her sleep. It was a little nerve-wracking, being responsible for such a tiny baby. Even though it wasn't for long, it still felt very serious.

I mostly just read aloud while she dozed. I sang to her a little bit and rocked her gently. She didn't cry. She seemed happy enough to be in my arms and listen to me talk or sing. I wish I could've captured those moments forever to keep. She was so sweet, asleep in my arms in her little blue hat. I love her so much.

25 December 1643

Today was Christmas! I managed to keep Linny out of the kitchen completely. Karkat even insisted on cleaning up by himself after Kankri and I did most of the cooking. I told her she could make it up to us next year. I heard her reading to her daughter while I cooked, so she was really resting.

I made all our old favorites, everything Linny would've missed when she was living in the castle. I don't have the spices or the fancy ingredients that they do, but I did my best with what we have, and Linny said it was delicious. We didn't have the money for presents, but yesterday I took a few coins out of the jar and bought some sweets for everyone. Karkat and Kankri were especially surprised!

We all went into the village, too, for the festival. I held Cecily while Meulin danced, but she spent most of the festival sitting with Annes and the other women with small children. No wonder. She must still be very tired. I danced a lot! I danced with all my friends and in the big groups and I danced as fast as I could but didn't beat William Fletcher. After that dance Karkat handed me a big cup of water and told me I looked like I was sunburned. He was probably right! My face felt very hot.

It was such a good time. All my friends were there, and my sister is home, and everything felt bright and alive. The world is dark and cold, but my village is warm and full of life.

27 December 1643

I went to see Aradia today, because I realized I hadn't talked to her for a while. She and I had tea inside their new home. It's a lovely little home, warm and solid. She said she was happy for any kind of home after their time in the barn.

Their sheep are doing well, she told me, and a lot of the new lambs this year were girls. That's good for them because it means the herd can grow more in the coming years. She's been spinning a lot lately, of course, and she said she's been spinning with her sister and trying to talk to her more.

"How is Damara?" I asked.

"She's doing better," Aradia said. "She's still very quiet, you know, and prefers to be left to herself. So spinning together is perfect! We don't have to talk but we can still spend time together."

"That sounds lovely," I said. "My sister and I read together to spend time. Although these days she's busy with her baby."

"Congratulations," Aradia said with a big smile. "Everything went well, then?"

"Yes, luckily," I said. "She had a daughter and named her Cecily. She's the sweetest little thing."

"I'm very happy to hear that," Aradia said, smiling again. After a moment, she said, "I know it's rather personal, but do you intend to tell the baby about her birth father?"

I was caught off guard by that and didn't quite know what to say at first. Of course some people know that Cecily isn't Kankri's baby–all of my sister's friends do, and most of mine. But no one says it, because saying it makes it more true. Once someone says it, we might have bigger problems on our hands. "I–that's up to Meulin, not me. And…I think she prefers not to talk about it," I said.

"Of course," Aradia said. "But it might be wise to take my sister as a warning. It's better to tell the truth, even if the truth is painful."

"I agree," I said. "But this truth…it could be very dangerous for my sister and her daughter. If people know it's true…my goodness. I don't even want to think about what could happen to Cecily."

Aradia nodded. "Of course, of course. Just keep it in mind. Your sister is well, then?"

She let the subject change and we chatted for a little while longer until I had to go back home. I don't like to leave for too long at a time right now, in case Meulin or Cecily needs me. Of course everything was fine, but I'd still prefer to be there and not be needed than be gone when something goes wrong.

29 December 1643

I've been thinking about what Aradia said, about her sister. Obviously there's more to it than one thing, but keeping the truth of her birth family from Damara led to a lot of pain. I don't know the whole story of why it was kept from her, but her parents must've had their reasons. They surely believed that keeping the secret was the best way.

What is the best way for Cecily? In the end, it's Linny's choice, of course. But there are secrets I don't know if I could keep. I don't know if I could go along with pretending to Cecily that Kankri is her birth father. But I also understand not wanting her to know that her birth father is an absolute dungheap of a human being.

We should probably talk about it, Meulin and me, and possibly Kankri and Karkat as well. Maybe in the new year, when winter makes the work slow and quiet. It's a good time to talk.

31 December 1643

The new year starts tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. This year, I got my sister back, and with her a new wonderful niece to love with all my heart. Karkat and Kankri are part of my family officially now. It's been hard at times, and with a baby in our home it's not going to get easier. But my family is safe now. That awful man can't hurt my sister anymore. My village isn't on the brink of starvation. Everyone has a place to stay out of the cold and the wind. Even when it snows, the fire is warm in the hearth, and my family is well-fed. I only hope 1644 is as good.