The episode resumed with Mercutio facing the center camera with a big smile. The new host was soaking in his new status, leading a show of international acclaim. Behind him was one side of the massive academy with the twenty-two cast members standing around in front of the towering reddish brick wall to the academy building behind them.
"Welcome back to Total Drama Million Dollar Academy! God, I already love saying that! Tracy? Tracy, where you at, homeslice?"
Mercutio's lanky chef, Tracy emerged from the crowd. "Right here, homesicle."
"I'm not sure the camera feed is fully capturing the beauty of my suit. Bring that intern girl out, would you?"
"Whatever you say." Tracy paced over to the edge between the side of the academy where they all stood and the front side. "Brook! Brook, you here?"
The cast watched as Tracy walked back around to them while the intern scurried towards him.
"Yes, yeah, I'm here," she chirped, her voice quiet.
The girl certainly seemed shy, her voice soft and while not particularly uninviting, still low enough to give way to some anxiety. She wore a baggy, black, holes-pattern cardigan, the ends of the sleeves covering up her hands like Number 3 from Code Name Kids Next Door, over a black t-shirt. Her hair flowed down to her collarbones, dyed a scintillating silver. She had brown eyes and held her head low, her silver hair flowing in front of her.
"Brook, your hair's in the way again," Mercutio reminded her, gesturing with his own hand to sweep it away.
She obliged. "Sorry, Mercutio..."
"No worries, gal. You know how to work cameras, right?"
"T-to some extent."
"The camera crew is, for lack of a better word... inept. Yes, that sounds about right. Would you give them a hand, please?"
"Sure, yes, I can do that," she mumbled as she bounded over to the disgruntled members of the crew.
"Right then. Well, I guess it's time to form the teams, eh? When I call your name, I want you to stand over to the left side of the wall. You know, so we can see a clear team split. The first team will consist of: Athena, Iko, Damien, Jill, Matcha, Kobe, Caleb, Lauren, MK, Queen, and Holden. You guys are the Dropouts!"
"Drop dead delectable!" Lauren exclaimed.
"You're not trying to insinuate anything with a name like that, are you?" Kobe asked.
"You don't truly mean to call our team that, do you?" Queen questioned. "I'll have you know that not everyone here fits that description."
"Yes, agreed," Matcha added.
"Sounds about right for me," Holden commented.
"The second team shall consist of everybody else: Bowie, Noah, Alanna, Shawn, Cody, Stephen, Fish, Izzy, Jayshawn, Zee, and lastly, Londyn and both of her dragons." [1]
"Haha," she replied sarcastically.
"You guys are the Graduates! Otherwise known simply as the Grads. Yes, that will likely roll off the tongue the best."
There wasn't much of a response from the new team.
"Cool," Zee mumbled, a glazed grin across his face.
"I didn't graduate," Stephen muttered.
"Perhaps you could swap his and my unsavory titles?" Queen offered.
"Smile! Don't complain so much. Perk your chins up, kids."
"Kids..." Lauren whispered, the same disturbing smile still alive and well on her pale face. "The anthologies of the forgotten haven't been wiped with disdain, alas, not yet..."
"Hmm..." Mercutio tapped at his chin. "Something seems to be missing here, and I don't mean a sense of sanity from Lauren. Doesn't something seem to be missing, Tracy?"
"Uh, a kick-ass tuba solo?"
"Wrong. I know what it is. Gang, before we get the first challenge underway, I will need confessionals out of all of you. The audience needs a private look into your character. You know how people are. We're all so very different without a crowd of people flocking around us. This year, the confessional's in our library. Tracy will lead you guys there bit by bit. In the meantime, the rest of you can get to know each other a little bit. Don't be long though, we've got a tight schedule."
Confessional - Alanna
Alanna sat, overly straight with a look of fatigue in her eyes, at a long table with a view of high-reaching bookshelves behind her. The Million Dollar Academy's library was high-end and very large, the ceiling much higher than your usual library. Shelves stacked thickly with books were all over the place, as well as tables, lamps, and chairs in various spots on the carpeted floor around her. Further back from where Alanna sat, there was a small, carpeted flight of stairs leading to a slightly higher level of the library.
"Part of me can't believe I'm back on this show again. I'm glad that Chris isn't here. I later found out that that fucker was the whole reason I got eliminated two years ago! He made up that superstition shit and he made the 'Zing Zings' catch us to make it look real! Ugh!" she growled. "Whatever. So long as Mercutio isn't interested in witchcraft and shit like that, I should be good."
Confessional - Athena
"Okay. Oh, my goodness, where do I even start? I am so happy that I got to be on this show. It's just such an amazing opportunity! It makes me wanna cry! But I won't do that because it'd ruin my makeup."
Athena softly cleared her throat, putting very little effort forward to strain herself.
"If I could win this show, that'd be so super duper excellent, but really I just wanna make some friends! If I even met one cool person around here, that'd be amazing! I'm not too worried about my chances, though. Looking around, everyone's just so sweet and unique that I can't find a single person I dislike! It's such a blessing that there isn't even one sub-human degenerate around here! Everyone's perfect!"
Confessional - Bowie
With a relaxed smile, Bowie went to work on filing his nails as he spoke. "I'm Bowie, and I'm Total Drama's first openly gay contestant. Now, I do say openly. Did Owen and Brecken give anyone else 'vibes' if you catch my drift? FYI, I'm very competitive. Last year I was prom king and prom queen. You can never have too many crowns. What do you think I'm doing here? Coming for this crown, of course."
Confessional - Caleb
"I'm Caleb, and while you might see similarities between me and previous contestants like Justin or Alejandro, I'm entirely different. Why? 'Cause I'm a nice guy. And anyone who says that nice guys finish last has never seen a good-looking nice guy enter a race. That's a winning combination right there."
Confessional - Cody
Relaxed, Cody leaned back in his chair, resting his feet up on the library table.
"I'll admit that I'm not used to all the cameras on me again; it's been quite a while since Total Drama Island. The only thing about this show that seems familiar to me is Gwen, but she isn't here. I wanna win this season for her. Well, for me, too, but with the money, I could invite Gwen to travel the world with me. Maybe then she'd decide to get with me instead of Duncan. I mean, what was that last year? At least they only had the one episode as a couple." Cody's relaxed frame suddenly vanished. "B-but I don't care! No! Not in the slightest!"
The geek did what he could to revive the chill demeanor, but his inner feelings showed on his face.
"Listen, man, the Codester doesn't care one way or another if Gwen wants to get with him. I'm here to have a good time, meet some new girls, and relax. Maybe I'll ask that Londyn girl what the story behind her tits- tits- tats- tats is." He forced a smile. "See? I'm cool as a cucumber."
Before Cody's confessional concluded, the chef Tracy appeared from out of frame beside him.
"Hey, Cody? No resting your feet on the table. Mercutio's rule."
"Oh. Okay," he murmured.
Confessional - Damien
"Hey, man, so, at first, I was pretty hyped about all this- Total Drama and everything. Now? It sounds like my dickhead-ass friends back home were trying to pull a fast one on me. Sign me up for one of the toughest competitions on reality TV? Really? Do y'all even know who I am?" He sighed. "Hey, at least Mercutio says this shit won't be as inhumane as Chris McLean's seasons. Pfft. Man, I'd hate to spend even one week with that guy..."
Confessional - Fish
"Yo, what's good with it? Name's Fish, and I know what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking." A big grin spread across his face. "You're thinking, 'What?' And I know, I know, it's weird, but it's just a little something that started and stuck in high school. Now, more people know me by Fish than by my real name. Anyway, I'm here to show my bitch-ass friends that I've got what it takes to compete on national television and win. I'm the epitome of the 'get you a man who can do both' meme. I'm a gladiator and a goofball, bro, and I'm gonna show it to everyone. I'm tired of losers always winning this show. There was the fat guy, the criminal, the bubble bitch, the e-girl, and the redhead girl-don't even get me started on how fucking annoying I think that chick is. It's about time Total Drama had a winner that just made sense, don't you think?"
Confessional - Holden
Holden leaned against the long table, then gave the camera an expressionless glance.
"Fuck pigs, touch kids."
With that, Holden got up from the table and headed off.
Confessional - Iko
With his eyes shut tight, Iko pretended to rock out with a guitar, imitating the noises excitedly.
"That was great, right? Wrong! That was nothing compared to the music I make back home. I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything, but... choo choo! Nah, but in all seriousness, I think I already said that I'm here to gain some exposure for my music. Check me out on Soundcloud. My name's Reminiscing On Winter. Well, my name's Iko, but my music name is- forget it, you understand."
Confessional - Izzy
"In my time away from Total Drama, I've been learning all about turtles. Frogs. Toads. Amphibians and reptiles of all varieties really. Uh huh. I'm actually pretty close to becoming an amphibian. No one believes me, but when I clench really hard for just long enough, I can start to feel my body getting slimy, slippery, moist, like a frog staring down a fly. Mmm, now I'm starting to get hungry! Oh, what a joy it is to feel so close to my amphibious brothers and sisters! Any amphibians watching right now," Izzy outstretched her arms with a smile, "I am with you! We've got this!"
Confessional - Jayshawn
"Aight, let's get one thing straight. The name's Jayshawn Vendome. My ma and my pop's names are Marietta and Allister Vendome. From the young age of just three, I was acting out what news reporters on my pop's TV said and did. I knew from then on that I was destined, yes, destined to be a reporter. I knew it was only a matter of time. I got on my hustle, my grind, I conquered the man-o-sphere and became fit as fuck. I picked up gigs where I could on my way out of my senior year of high school. Then I found out that Total Drama was coming back and auditioning for another roster of Canadian contestants not far from my hometown. I thought boom! There's my golden opportunity to show the viewing world what an excellent reporter I'd be! So, now all I gotta do is wait. Fuck, I love my life, man." [2]
Confessional - Jill
As Jill sat and smiled at the camera, arguably the most noticeable detail about this girl aside from her luscious red hair were her eyes. They were a radiant, almost intimidatingly so shade of green. Her tan skin further accentuated the color and charm of her eyes.
"Competing on Total Drama has always been something I thought I could do. In school, ever since... Wow. For as long as I can remember really, I've been passionate about my athleticism. As a kid, I loved sports and I wanted to be good at them. Starting off in elementary school and even into primary school, I just... I wasn't good," she explained through an awkward chuckle. "But I kept working on it. Failure after failure to be as good as the other kids stacked up. Finally, by the time I was done with grade twelve, my school's basketball team had excelled far beyond what the coach thought possible thanks to all the practice me and my teammates put in. I sure miss my teammates. After graduation, I haven't really been in touch with them. Jasmine, if you're watching right now, I love you lots and miss you everyday, girl."
Confessional - Kobe
Kobe relaxed in his seat, leaning it back as he nearly placed his feet on the table. Moments before he could, a loud "eh eh eh" sounded from nearby, and the camera panned over to see Tracy sitting in a lounge chair with a book, pointing two fingers from his eyes to Kobe.
"Aight then, man, no feet on the table. 'S good, everybody out there watching? I'm Kobe and, well, there isn't too much to tell about myself. I play soccer, I go out and party every so often if the mood strikes me right, and beyond that, man, I'm just a bro with a fro. Look at that thing, homie. It's big, yeah, I know it."
Confessional - Lauren
With her iconic, disturbing grin, Lauren chirped, "I'm excited to be on this show to make a lot of new friends, and watch them get really hurt. Yeah, I'd like that."
Relaxing into the thought, Lauren leaned back in her chair and kicked up her feet on the table. Tracy arrived shortly after, only for the demented girl's head to tilt as she smiled and uttered, "It's time for you to leave now."
"Yeesh, y-yeah, I thought the same," Tracy babbled on his way out.
Confessional - Londyn
After finishing up with applying a bit of reddish eye shadow to her eyelids, Londyn put away her makeup accessories below the table and spoke.
"So, a little something about me: I'm French. I was born in Paris and lived there for five years, then I came to Canada and learned English. Luckily, in that region of Canada, I didn't have to, but I like the differences in languages, so I was drawn to learning a different one. Now then..." she continued her makeup accessorizing. "Just touching up a little bit. I suppose I should get what everyone's thinking out of the way. Yes, I have tattoos. Yes, they're on my face. Yes, most girls my age and girls period don't follow along with that trend. It was just something I wanted to do one day, so I did it, right on my eighteenth birthday. Simple as that. Honestly, that's my message to all the girls and, know what? For everybody watching right now. Do what you wanna do. Life's too short. In primary school, I thought I'd hate the way I looked forever, but now that I'm eighteen, I've started an OnlyFans and I'm proud of my body. Follow your dreams."
Confessional - Matcha
"Let me get one thing straight, or possibly several. While I deeply enjoy my social circle, I'm not here to make friends, I'm not here to meet a boy, I'm not here for any recreational reasons. Too often have I seen people do shows like this and others where they act overly timid and complacent around their competition. While I don't mean any personal offense to those people, I don't understand it. I want to play the game, and I want to win. I'm going to win, and no offense meant to the others around me, but I know I have what it takes. I was a law major and studied it for over four years, and those skills should transfer quite nicely to this contest. I'm interested to see what Mercutio can bring to this show that Chris didn't."
Confessional - Londyn
"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that being an OnlyFans girl is really my dream in life, but hey, lots of money doesn't hurt anything, right?"
Confessional - MK
"People think you win Total Drama by being strong," MK explained with a flex of her sleeved, non-existent bicep muscle. "But, nah, people take notice and see right through that shit. Duncan and Zoey were the exception, but think about it; Owen, Cameron, and Shay winning their respective seasons paints a different picture, doesn't it? What you need is more of a secret talent. Know what mine is?" She lifted up a book and cast a devious grin. "I'm always underestimated. Aaaaaand that's about the last time I'm ever confessing anything here. Why should my business be anyone else's but my own? Sorry, entire viewing world, I just don't really know you that well."
Confessional - Noah
"Say what you want about my past performance on Total Drama Island-mostly negative things, I'm sure-but it doesn't matter. Here I am with a chance to do this show again without Chris. I call that a win even if I come out of this thing just as broke as before."
Confessional - Queen
"Total Drama. A show known for its disgustingness, brutal challenges, and complete and utter disregard for the well-being of its contestants. You may see me and wonder, why ever am I here? Well, I've found myself in a tad bit of a problem. Here's a not-so-secret: I come from wealth. I've lived in a mansion in London my entire life and never had to worry about having any less than £500 in my wallet. However, now that I'm getting a bit older, my parents believe that it's time I go off on my own. Deplorable, I know. The less than satisfactory part about that is that I've never worked before, never in all my life. I bought my way through school, I barely even completed tests. It's a good thing I sought knowledge outside of school, otherwise you could liken me to that Ezekiel boy from this show's first season. I'm here to make so much money that when I'm inevitably kicked from Mother's mansion, I'll simply buy another one." With an amused smile, Queen kicked one leg up over the other. "Genius, isn't it?"
Confessional - Shawn
Without even saying a word, Shawn's eyes were already wide with fright, half of his eyes covered by his green beanie.
"To tell you the truth, man, I'm on this show for one reason alone. Protection. You get a horde of zombies coming after you and you got a group of people you don't care about around? Great, throw little Timmy under the bus! Whatever it takes to survive! I saw the zombie episode of last year's season. That time it might have been fake, but when it really happens, you need to be prepared! I can't even believe no one else around me is taking this seriously!"
Confessional - Zee
With a can of soda, Zee started with, "What's up? Crack the soda." He took a swig. "I may not be the strongest, or the fastest, or, like, try super hard... or remember what I was talking about..."
End of confessionals
Now, Mercutio, Tracy, and the rest of the contestants stood in front of the sleek entrance to the academy. The entrance was entirely made out of glass, including the two front doors and the windows surrounding it.
"Glad all that's over with," Mercutio mentioned. "Funny little tidbit here, but Stephen, we didn't get a confessional out of you. Makes me wonder what that could mean."
"It means I didn't give enough of a fuck."
The host tsked. "Got a comedian over here. Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, Stephen?"
There was a brief period of silence.
"That was pretty brutal," Caleb commented.
"Moving on." He was back to his cheerier self. "For today's challenge, we're gonna take it easy on you guys and only have you compete in one challenge instead of two."
"Nah, nah, fuck that!" Jayshawn complained, throwing up his arms and leaping into the air. "None of that easy shit!"
Beside him, Damien suddenly plugged his nose and winced. "Hot damn, man, have you smelled your pits?"
"Your first challenge is an easy one, but with a twist," Mercutio explained. "You will all start here, at the entrance to the academy building. What you must do is make your way through to the dorms on the other side before the other team does."
Fish chuckled. "Mercutio, I thought we were doing a challenge."
"Oh, it will be, asshole. Firstly, this academy building is very, very large. Eight stories high and with a ginormous diameter, you may get lost easier than you care to admit. Secondly, the interior winds and whips around more than your usual academy building. It plays tricks on you in there. What feels like a straight path to the other side could have you heading to the left side of the building."
"Well, why not just go outside and walk out back to the dorms then?" Kobe suggested.
"Because all the doors but the ones on the other side of the building are barred shut for the day. Good luck finding another way out. Finally, you will be forced to deal with Smirnoff."
"Come again?" Iko asked.
"Ooh, I love smirnoff!" Londyn exclaimed.
"Doesn't surprise me," Jayshawn replied. "That shit's for white chicks with daddy issues."
The facially tatted girl frowned at him.
"I don't mean the beverage!" Mercutio insisted. "No, no, no! Tracy, grab Smirnoff, would you?"
"Why me? He smells like day-old piss and Marlboro's!"
"'He'?" Bowie echoed.
"Now, bitch boy." Mercutio clapped his hands together. "Go on."
Tracy let out a groan before reluctantly pacing off from the group over to the other side of the building. After a while, the contestants could make out the sight of Tracy returning with a mountain of a man beside him. The sight was like watching Colossus from X-Men take a walk with Steve Urkel.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Smirnoff!" Mercutio announced.
The closer they got, the easier it was to tell that this man had probably been without a shower for quite a while. He had long, ratty, brown hair down to his shoulders with a rugged, hardened face, patchy stubble, dark eyebags, a scar by his jaw, and fatigue in his eyes. He wore a dirty, brown leather jacket. He yanked his huge paw of a hand into one of its pockets and drew a cigarette, lighting it up with a lighter from another pocket. He had a paintball gun slung around his back, over his jacket.
"Kogda mne zaplatyat?" Smirnoff grumbled. His aged voice perfectly matched his appearance. [3]
"Was that Russian?" Londyn asked.
"Smirnoff is a trained hitman. A brutal killer over in Russia. He's here in Canada for business. You know, kill a couple people a week, take another week to gather intel on new targets, that kind of thing."
Shawn gulped. Lauren blinked, her smile unchanged.
"H-h-how exactly are you acquainted with a killer?" Damien peeped.
"Yeah, I don't really feel comfortable with this, Mercutio," Matcha stated.
"Don't worry about it," Mercutio replied. "Smirnoff won't be doing any killing today, though. Instead, he will enter the academy sixty seconds after you do. He'll be pursuing all twenty-two of you in the hopes of shooting you down with his paintball gun."
"Dvadtsat' dve misheni - eto bol'she, chem obychno, no eto ne problema."
"Yeshche raz proshu proshcheniya za to, chto vy ne mozhete ubit' nikogo iz nikh," Mercutio replied.
"Beregi dykhaniye. Ya znayu tebya, Mercutio. U vas vsegda budet bol'she dostupnykh tseley."
"Way to alienate the rest of us," Noah muttered.
"Apologies, Noah. You know the challenge. You know the stakes. You do not wanna end up on the receiving end of one of Smirnoff's paintballs. Smirnoff tebya isportit."
Smirnoff found Mercutio's closing statement amusing, the huge man cackling softly before taking another drag of his cigarette.
Confessional - Jill
"Okay, terrifying..."
End of confessional
"Go, contestants! Run! Run for your fucking lives!" Mercutio cried.
Shawn and Damien screamed with utter horror, then Shawn trampled past the others, racing off through the glass doors before anyone else. Izzy yowled with excitement as she charged inside. The rest of the frightened contestants rushed in after, with Lauren calmly strolling and humming her way in near the back of the group.
[1] In reference to Londyn's dragon face tattoos; it was sort of information overload with the new cast last chapter so details are bound to get scattered
[2] I thought the concept of a manosphere-hustle-bro being passionate about becoming a reporter of all things was hilarious
[3] To any Russian readers, I myself am not Russian and can't speak to the accuracy of these Russian lines. Hopefully they're not gobbledygook
Dropouts: Caleb, Damien, MK, Scary Girl, Athena, Holden, Iko, Jill, Kobe, Matcha, Queen
Grads: Cody, Izzy, Noah, Alanna, Shawn, Bowie, Zee, Fish, Jayshawn, Londyn, Stephen
Some quick OC descriptions:
Athena: orangey-blonde, orange contacts, black and white dress
Holden: long, scraggly hair, heavyset, short, leather jacket
Iko: slim-fat, short, stylish overcoat and vest
Jill: athletic build, red hair, tan skin, emerald green eyes
Kobe: tall, big afro
Matcha: brunette, business casual
Queen: purple hair
Alanna: tall, brunette
Fish: typical influencer look
Jayshawn: fit, muscular, dreads, gym tank/shorts
Londyn: brunette, face tattoos, gorgeous features
Stephen: early 2000s emo look
Mercutio: chiseled face, suit, wide-framed
Tracy: slim, suspenders/bowler hat
Brook: silver hair, oversized cardigan