CHAPTER 12:

TO LIVE ON

That evening, after dinner, Harry and Aerith were sitting in the garden, their feet immersed in the little creek running through part of it. Harry was surprised that Aerith had asked him to do this, to talk with her. Then again, she was still melancholy about Zack, which was part of the reason he was surprised for her to want to talk about it.

"As a Cetra, an Ancient," she began, "I know it's the destiny of all life to eventually return to the Lifestream. Our bodies rot and decay, returning to the soil, while our minds, souls and memories return to the Planet, merge with and enrichening it. It…it doesn't stop it from hurting. I was too young to remember my father's death, but not for my mother's. I put on a brave face for Elmyra, but…it still hurt, even knowing my mother had returned to the Lifestream, as she knew and wanted. Even though Ifalna sometimes speaks to me from within it, it still hurts. And now…Zack is dead."

Harry just remained silent, letting her get things off her chest. While he hated that Dumbledore had his friends keep him in the dark, with the excuse that Harry needed space to mourn, that could have helped, under the right circumstances. In any case, he wasn't leaving Aerith alone. She asked him here. She wanted him to listen.

"…The first time I met him, he'd fallen from the Sector 5 Plate," she said with a melancholy smile. "He'd been fighting Angeal while pursuing Hollander, I later learned. He was so full of energy…I was surprised when he revealed he was in SOLDIER, and just after I ranted about them being so aggressive and eager to fight, too. He was nothing like I thought a First Class SOLDIER would be. I thought of them as being…well, like Sephiroth. Even though he's changed a little while with Delphi, Sephiroth still acts like I thought he would. Cold, collected, dangerous. But not Zack. He was as warm as they come. As I said, Zack was the one who suggested I begin selling flowers. He even helped me make carts to bring to Wall Market to sell there. I…I know better than many others how cruel the world can be, but…why him?"

"…Don't ask me," Harry said. "I've given up asking myself. My parents died before I really knew them. And then, so many, friends and loved ones…hell, for all my issues with him, Dumbledore was something of a mentor and a grandfather figure to me, and his loss hurt. And yet, even after the war…it felt like too little had changed, too little could be changed. That I had fought, and so many people had died, for nothing. And that Delphi was feared for something beyond her control. Her own blood, and that fragment of Sephiroth bound to her. As for me…it felt like I was doomed to become a political pawn, even though I was a war hero, that I had saved the day, even if it was Sephiroth who killed them. And yet, by saving Delphi, it felt like my heroism had become tainted, even though I had saved an innocent young girl, an infant. It felt like it wasn't enough. And those I couldn't save will always haunt me. Like my godfather, Sirius Black."

"You've mentioned him before, but…what happened?"

Harry chuckled mirthlessly. "It was my own damn fault. Voldemort set a trap for me, and like an idiot, I fell for it. Sirius and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's little vigilante group, had to get me and my friends out of it. Only, Sirius died. I was so angry, with Dumbledore for keeping secrets, with Voldemort, with, well, everyone else. But most of all, especially in hindsight, with myself. That year at Hogwarts…it wasn't a good year for me. And yet, if I had been a little better, a bit more savvy or intelligent…it may not have ended up like that. At least with Zack…well, what could you have done to save him? Can an Ancient do something like, say, summon earthquakes or floods to wash away an army without harming allies?"

"…I don't know. There are Materia like that, but Materia are pretty common these days. But…it doesn't stop me from feeling some guilt towards his death. That maybe I could have warned him away from Shinra earlier. I know it's irrational, and yet…as a Cetra, I have power that is coveted by Shinra. So what's the point of it if that power couldn't save Zack? Even if Mom, I mean Elmyra, was right, and my love for Zack was just a teenaged infatuation, something I can't really refute for sure…I still felt something for him. We were the best of friends. And yet, when he needed someone to be there for him, for Cloud…sorry, like I said, I know it's irrational."

"No, it's fine. Guilt can be pretty irrational. You get caught up in what-ifs and all that." After a moment, he said, "Once, I wanted to create a time machine. Wizards back home have something called a Time-Turner, it can go back in time a few days at most, and you have to make sure your actions fit what already happened, but…I considered making something stronger, all to stop what happened, to make things better. I had a couple of good friends talk me out of it, and besides, if I changed history…would Delphi have been born? Despite her parents being two of the most evil people it has been my displeasure to know, she's a good and kind girl who doesn't deserve the hatred and scorn too many heaped on her. She deserves a good and happy life. Same with you and I. Hell, it sounds like I would have gotten along with Zack. I saw enough of him in Cloud's memories. I mean, he was a bit too hyperactive, but still…"

"Yes, you probably would." Aerith looked to the plate in the sky, as well as the glimpses of the night sky beyond it. "…Thanks for doing what you could to comfort me, Harry. Sometimes…I think being a Cetra is a curse. Even without Shinra coveting my power, my heritage, my powers still set me apart from normal humans. And too many people beloved to me have died. I know there are people worse off than me elsewhere in Midgar, and across this world, but it doesn't stop it from hurting."

"…I felt the same way, Aerith. Like I cursed others just by existing, just by having Voldemort after me. The guilt still eats at me at times, so I can't say it'll go away completely. It's irrational, but that doesn't mean it's easy to ignore or get rid of."

Aerith hummed in thought. Eventually, she said, "Still, at least we did one good thing. We helped save Cloud, and gave him control over his memories back. Tifa ought to be pleased." Her face fell. "…I can't help but feel a little jealous, though. I think Tifa had a crush on Cloud, and vice versa. But I don't get Zack. I know that's not the way the world works, that I should be happy for them, and I am, I really am, but…even if Mom was right, and the thing I had for Zack was just some teenaged infatuation…it doesn't stop it from hurting."

"Yeah. And not just if you've lost someone you care about. Relationships dying hurts anyway." On her look, he clarified, "My first girlfriend, for want of a better term, was a Hogwarts student called Cho Chang. It was more of a stupid crush than anything else, in hindsight, but she was beautiful and smart, and a good Quidditch player. She only had eyes for Cedric Diggory, though."

Aerith's eyes widened in recognition, having been told something of Harry's misadventures before, including the Tri-Wizard Tournament. "Oh no…" she murmured in dismay.

"I saw her boyfriend murdered in front of me by Pettigrew. Yet in our next school year, we eventually became an item. It was…awkward as hell, to say the least," Harry confessed. "She was on the rebound from Cedric, I was in a pretty fucked-up state of mind that year thanks to all sorts of things…and then, well, things fell apart. You remember what I said about that defence club we started in secret in defiance of that bitch Umbridge?" On Aerith's nod, he said, "A girl called Marietta Edgecombe betrayed us. She claimed to be scared about jeopardising her mother's job in the Ministry, but Umbridge would have tortured and possibly even imprisoned or killed us! And Cho made excuses for her, saying she wasn't a bad person." Harry scoffed. "Aside from betraying us, she bullied Luna Lovegood, and Cho didn't care. Both Cho and Marietta were selfish cows, in hindsight."

"And that's when you moved onto Ginny Weasley?"

"For a time. We tried to make it work after Voldemort was defeated, but…while the break-up was a little acrimonious, we managed to remain friends. I'm not saying I know what it's like for the love of your life to die, Aerith. But I know how painful it is to lose those you care about…and for relationships to be severed."

After a moment, Aerith shook her head. "It doesn't help. Sorry. But thanks for trying. I think you and Zack would have gotten along well, though his energetic attitude might have grated on you."

"Maybe, but…I've dealt with worse. Look at Luna Lovegood. She's so barmy…I mean, she's called 'Loony Lovegood' for a reason. But she's also one of my best friends, again, for a reason. She's a kind soul, and I reckon she and Delphi were the closest out of all of my friends. Luna doesn't care about who your parents are, just who and what you are. I learned to take Luna as she is. If I could get along with her, I could probably have gotten along with Zack. It's a shame I never can, now. Don't get me wrong, people shouldn't be burdened by regrets, in theory at least, but in practise…I think we're both well aware that even when we shouldn't, we feel regrets."

"Mhmm," Aerith hummed. "But what matters is what we do about them, right?"

"Yeah. It's part of the reason I raised Delphi. I didn't want her to become a regret. Yes, she was Voldemort's daughter, but…she was just an infant. I didn't want to leave her fate to, well, anyone else, really. I remembered what happened when Dumbledore left me with the Dursleys. He knew I might not have been happy, and yet, he did it anyway. I wanted to give Delphi a good life. Even though, thanks to being orphaned, and then raised by the Dursleys, I didn't have much idea of what a good parent should be like. The best example I had to go with were the Weasleys, and as much as I love Arthur and Molly, they had their faults, even as parents. Oh, wait, sorry, I should have mentioned the Lupins. Remus…he's a weak man in some regards, but after a few shaky moments, he was a good father. And Nymphadora…she was a great mother. We sort of shared raising Delphi to a degree."

"And you did so well," Aerith said.

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I have way too many regrets, Aerith, but raising Delphi will never be one of them. I'm sorry if this doesn't help you, but…"

"No…if nothing else, it's a pleasant distraction. And knowing Zack, he'd want me to live on, to enjoy my life. Even if that's easier said than done."

"That's fine," Harry said. "We'll help you if we can. Me, Delphi, and your mother, along with Tifa and her friends."

Aerith hummed thoughtfully, before looking to him. "…Thank you, Harry. But do you mind leaving me alone for a bit? I'd like to think."

"Sure," Harry said. While Aerith was mourning, he didn't think she'd be suicidal. So he got up, and headed back to the house.

As he approached, he noted Elmyra watching on from near the door. "You didn't try to put the moves on her or anything?" she asked.

"I'm not heartless," Harry said. "Admittedly, something like this happened before, but even then, I waited at least a couple of months before I made any moves. And even that was a mistake. It was a girl I had a crush on, but she only had eyes for a rival of mine. A friendly rival, mind, but…when I was trying to share some triumph with him…he was murdered by Peter Pettigrew."

"…That was Cedric Diggory, you mean?" Elmyra asked.

"Yeah, and his girlfriend and my crush was Cho Chang. I was an insensitive prick at the time, admittedly, and I had a very bad year that year, as you know, thanks to Dumbledore's secretive nature and the Ministry putting their heads in the sand. We tried to make it work, but when one of Cho's friends betrayed us, and Cho had the gall to defend her…I realised it wasn't meant to be. And some of it was due to trying to fill Cedric's shoes. So no, I'm not going to be that crass and cruel and try to put the moves on Aerith just after she lost Zack. Besides…while she's definitely a friend, I'm not sure I want to be more than that yet."

On Elmyra's sceptical look, Harry explained, "Look, Aerith is one of the best women I have ever met. She's beautiful, compassionate, smart, and, despite looking like the paragon of innocence and naïveté, she's strong enough to hand most people's arses to them. But…for one thing, who she wants to be with is her choice alone. And for another, I'm too much damaged goods where romance is concerned to know for sure whether I really want to be with someone. Aside from my experiences with my prior girlfriends, the fact remains that, back on Earth, I was famous enough amongst the wizards and witches that so many girls wanted to get into my pants or marry me for my fortune. Would I love to be more than just friends with her? Yes. But would it be healthy for either of us?"

"…I think it would be," Elmyra said. "As you said, who Aerith chooses to be her boyfriend or even girlfriend is up to her. But…I always thought her relationship with Zack to be a teenaged infatuation. Maybe, in hindsight, it could have lasted, at least in terms of Zack's character. I misjudged him, and badly. But even so, Zack was a member of SOLDIER, with too many attachments to the organisation that robbed her of her parents. I'm still not wholly convinced it would last, if only because of Shinra. But with you…you have no links to Shinra. Despite your cynicism, you're a good and compassionate young man, who knows what it is like to be alone in the world. Zack would rush in where you would fear to tread. I'm not saying you have my blessing to start being her boyfriend, especially not now, but…I still think you would be good for her if the time comes…and vice versa."

Harry stared at the older woman in shock, trying to digest what Elmyra had told him, before shaking his head. "I'm not sure if that time will come, Elmyra, and I'm sure as hell not going to try anything myself. But…if she comes to me, and asks to try things out…then I will."

Elmyra nodded in acknowledgement, and Harry went inside, thoughts and emotions all awhirl. He wasn't sure what to make of Elmyra's words, especially after what he spoke to Aerith about. All he did know was that he should sleep on the matter, and hope that things would be better in the morning…

CHAPTER 12 ANNOTATIONS:

Wow, this chapter fought me. But at least we know Elmyra ships Harry/Aerith all the way.

Review-answering time! jgkitarel: Aerith did have her moments in the original (like her threat to Don Corneo, for example), but I think the Remake version of her was the perfect antidote after her degenerating into a 'purer than pure' characterisation in Crisis Core and Kingdom Hearts. She was still gentle and kind and empathic, but feisty and impish as well.

As for Tifa, I don't really see any moments where she's nastier than the original game, and if anything, she's mostly wimpier. Yes, I get that she is dealing with baggage, but I was under the impression that Tifa was meant to be a little more tomboyish. Her portrayal in Kingdom Hearts II, for example, is somewhat close to what I had in mind, where she definitely has a bad temper, but is still a genuinely kind person.

As for Hojo…well, it won't be Harry who does the deed. ;)

No numbered annotations this time.