So...surprise? Guess no one was expecting this, huh? I feel like I need to finish up some of my older works. I'll see about finishing the final chapter of 'They're Not Dating (They Totally Are) sometime in the future.
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Jaune huddled deeper into the cave, pulling his knees to his chest and shivering - not from the cold, but from the sheer absurdity of his situation. This was insane. Absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent, grade-A, clinically certified crazy.
He was supposed to be in his bed right now, drooling into his pillow and dreaming about - well, probably nothing important. Instead, he was hiding out in some random cave, listening for the sound of footsteps that could belong to one of forty-nine lunatics all ready to beat him into the dirt for the chance to date Blake.
Blake!
He wasn't even that close with Blake! Sure, they talked sometimes; emphasis on some! Jaune had exactly three types of conversations with Blake:
Library conversations, where he asked her if she'd seen Weiss. Dorm conversations, where they awkwardly passed each other because he and Ruby were friends. And Food conversations, where she nodded in acknowledgment from across the table while he stuffed his face with bacon.
None of that screamed romance.
Jaune leaned back against the damp cave wall and let his head thump gently against the stone, "Why am I here...?" he mumbled to himself, staring at the dark ceiling. Oh, right. Because he didn't read the damn sign-up sheet. It was supposed to be a trip! A relaxing excursion to some island Weiss owned where he could sip coconut water and maybe find some cool seashells to bring back to Ruby and Nora. Instead, he was thrown out of a bullhead like someone's unwanted luggage while Yang cheerfully informed him she was going to kick his ass.
He'd barely been awake!
The events of the morning played back in his head like a bad dream. One moment, he was asleep, warm and safe in his bed. The next, he was plummeting through the air, Yang yelling something about kicking his ass, and Ozpin's face calmly explaining that they were all here to fight for Blake's heart.
And then there was that one guy - Jaune didn't even know his name - who tried to cleave him in half within five minutes of landing. No hello. No introductions. Just screaming something about "Bellabooty" before swinging that massive sword like a lunatic. He didn't even look like a first year. Were people from all four years seriously fighting for the right to date Blake Belladdonna?! She was pretty, sure, but seriously?!
Jaune rubbed his temple, "This can't be real. This has to be some kind of elaborate prank. Maybe Ren slipped something into my dinner..." That made more sense than this. Except it didn't, because no hallucination could perfectly replicate the sharp pain of a branch smacking him across the face as he fled blindly into the woods.
At least he hadn't been followed this far. Jaune took a deep breath and tried to relax. If he just laid low and stayed hidden for the next three days, this whole thing would blow over. Let the other forty-nine fight it out like the love-starved animals they were. He wasn't about to get pummeled just so he could stand awkwardly next to Blake and ask her what book she was reading.
It wasn't like he even had a chance anyway.
Yang and Sun were here. He knew them. Yang had that whole "hot partner" angle going for her, and Sun was, well...Sun. Cool, charming, and with way more abs than Jaune thought was physically necessary. Seriously, he'd seen Sun grate cheese on those things.
And then there were the others - the ones Jaune didn't know. He hadn't gotten a good look, but from the glimpses he caught during freefall, some of them looked terrifying. One guy had horns. Pure black horns that looked like they could stab clean through his chestplate. Another girl - dark hair, yellow eyes - gave him the kind of glare that promised violence at the slightest provocation.
There was no way he was sticking his neck out in this madhouse. Jaune sighed and rested his head against the wall, "I'll just stay here until it's over. I've got some water, I can probably forage for food..." His stomach growled angrily, "Yeah, I'll figure it out.".
A distant explosion echoed from somewhere outside the cave. Jaune's eyes snapped open, and he swallowed hard, "...I'm gonna die here, aren't I?" He whimpered.
His scroll buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out cautiously, half-expecting Ozpin to deliver some cryptic riddle about how "love is the ultimate test" or whatever nonsense he'd been spewing earlier. Instead, the screen displayed a live feed of the Belladonna Brawl, complete with commentary from Port and Oobleck.
"Ah, here we see contestant number twelve, utilizing the environment to his advantage!" Port's booming voice echoed through the scroll as the feed switched to show Sun Wukong, casually vaulting over trees and using his staff to outmaneuver a group of particularly angry students.
"An excellent strategy, indeed," Oobleck chimed in, "Though one must wonder how long he can sustain such evasive tactics before being forced to engage!"
Jaune stared at the screen in disbelief. Sun looked...like he was actually having fun. Meanwhile, Jaune was hiding in a cave, hoping no one would find him and yell about 'Bellabooty.' He turned the scroll off with a sigh.
"What is wrong with everyone?" he muttered, "Yang I kind of get - she's competitive about everything. And Sun...okay, yeah, sure, I guess he and Blake have a thing. But fifty people? Fifty?! All for Blake?!" He shook his head and let out a humorless laugh, "I mean, she's great and all, but come on! Is it the ears? It's the ears, isn't it?" He let that thought sit for a moment before groaning and burying his face in his hands, "No, no, stop. Don't make this weirder than it already is."
Jaune had no idea how long he sat in that cave. Hours? Maybe. Days? Probably not, but it sure felt like it. His stomach had started growling with such ferocity that he was beginning to wonder if he was about to unlock some kind of weird stomach-based Semblance. Stomach of Devouring or something.
Eventually, the primal need for food outweighed his very rational desire to stay hidden from the Blake-obsessed psychopaths roaming the island. With a deep breath and the resigned sigh of a man who knew this was a terrible idea, Jaune dusted himself off and crept toward the mouth of the cave. Maybe, maybe he could sneak down to the beach, find a coconut or two, and survive long enough to avoid being involved in this ridiculous battle royale. Surely not everyone on this island was constantly patrolling for other contestants. Right?
Right.
Wrong.
He didn't even make it twenty steps into the jungle before the exact same greatsword-wielding maniac from earlier came sprinting through the underbrush, weapon raised and screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs.
Jaune barely had time to process the incoming assault before his survival instincts kicked in. He threw himself to the ground with all the grace of a flopping fish, narrowly avoiding being bisected by a weapon that looked like it weighed more than Nora (not that it was a hard bar to clear; she was weirdly light for all that muscle),"Oh, come on!" Jaune groaned, rolling to his feet and stumbling backward, "You again?! Seriously?! How are you even finding me?"
The greatsword guy didn't answer. He just grinned that unsettling grin, eyes blazing with what Jaune could only describe as pure simpery."The Bellabooty will be mine!"
"What does that even mean?!" Jaune yelped, already sprinting away as the lunatic charged after him. He didn't bother drawing Crocea Mors. His sword would definitely not hold up against the iron slab that was currently trying to turn him into paste. This wasn't a fight. This was a bad horror movie where the clueless protagonist kept tripping over nothing while the hulking killer walked ominously behind him. Except this hulking killer ran.
"I'm not even interested in Blake, okay?!" Jaune shouted over his shoulder, weaving through trees as fast as his legs could carry him, "I don't care about dating her! You don't have to - holy crap, stop swinging that thing!" A tree branch exploded next to him as the man's sword sliced clean through it.
It was official. There were no rules. None.
Jaune skidded to a halt by a small stream, breathing hard and waving his arms frantically as the swordsman slowed down just a few paces away, "Listen, listen! Let's just talk about this, okay? I'm not in this for Blake! I didn't even know what I was signing up for, I swear!"
"Liar," the guy growled, lowering his sword just a fraction. His eyes narrowed dangerously, "You wouldn't be here if you didn't love her like the rest of us." Like the rest of us? Jaune barely held back the urge to laugh hysterically. Oh yeah, because nothing said 'love' like trying to hack each other to pieces on a deserted island!
"I don't love her!" Jaune practically begged, stepping back with his hands raised like he was talking down a wild animal, "She's cool! She's got the whole mysterious loner thing going for her, and yeah, she's pretty - but that's it! You don't have to fight me!"
But of course, as expected, logic and reason bounced right off the man's thick skull like a rubber ball, "You're just trying to psych me out," he muttered, lifting the greatsword once again, "I respect the hustle, man, but I'm not falling for it. The Bellabooty belongs to me."
"Stop saying that!" Jaune groaned, turning tail and sprinting downstream, slipping on mossy rocks and narrowly dodging another swing that sent water splashing everywhere, "I swear to the Brothers, if I survive this, I'm begging Ozpin to erase this entire trip from my memory..." By this point, Jaune wasn't even sure if he was running from the guy or just from the embarrassment. Seriously, Bellabooty? If by some divine intervention he actually made it back to Beacon in one piece, he was never going to live this down. Ever. Yang would never let it go. Ruby would draw comics about it. Nora would probably start a freaking chant.
Another swing, another dodge. Jaune's heart was practically trying to escape through his chest at this point. He didn't stop running until the swordsman's footsteps finally faded behind him.
The moment he was sure he was alone, Jaune collapsed face-first into the mud, arms sprawled out to the sides as he gasped for air, "This... this is my life now," he wheezed, "Running for my life from strangers with greatswords because I signed the wrong sheet. This is what I get for not paying attention..."
He wasn't even sure how much time had passed by the time he peeled himself off the ground and limped over to a nearby boulder to sit. His body ached, and his stomach growled even louder, but at least he wasn't actively being hunted anymore.
Jaune buried his head in his hands and groaned, "Why couldn't this be about Weiss?" he muttered, "At least I like Weiss."
Jaune stumbled through the jungle in desperate search of civilization - or at least something edible that wouldn't try to stab him. His boots squelched with every step, his clothes clung to his skin, and he was pretty sure a branch had smacked him so hard earlier that he still had leaves in his hair, He sighed heavily, brushing his fingers through his damp locks, "Great. Not only am I stranded on Simp Island, but now I look like I lost a fight to the forest." He grimaced, "Which isn't even that far from the truth."
The faint crackle of energy drew his attention, snapping him out of his self-pity. Jaune ducked behind a tree, peeking carefully around the trunk. Down the hill, by a clearing near the stream, Sun Wukong stood confidently with his staff in one hand, twirling it casually while the other rested on his hip. Across from him was a girl Jaune didn't recognize. She had dark brown hair tied in a high ponytail and ligtly tanned skin that shifted colors - wait, was she camouflaging?
Jaune narrowed his eyes, 'Who the heck is that'?
Sun grinned, oblivious to Jaune's confusion, "Come on, Ilia! You really think you can outmaneuver me? I've fought scarier people than you without breaking a sweat." He unfurled his gunchucks.
Ilia - or whatever her name was - crossed her arms, unimpressed, "I've done my homework, Wukong. I know every move you'll make before you even make it. Just give up now." Jaune furrowed his brow. Homework? What, did she study Blake's social circle like it was a final exam?
Sun, unfazed, reached down and opened a attache large case sitting beside him. Jaune's eyes widened as he saw row after row of glowing Dust crystals tucked inside like he'd just raided the entire stock of a Dust shop. Every type of Dust under the sun (pun not intended) was there, "Yeah?" Sun smirked, grabbing a handful of blue and red crystals, "Did your homework tell you about this?"
Ilia's stance shifted slightly, but she didn't falter, "I know all about your Dust arsenal. I've already set up countermeasures around the clearing." She grinned, razor sharp, "This entire arena is a death trap. Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work." Jaune felt his stomach twist into a knot. Oh no. This felt like one of those fancy chess games Weiss liked. Except with more explosions and permanent injury.
He could already picture it. Sun was about to launch some crazy, Dust-fueled attack, Ilia was going to counter it with something just as insane, and Jaune - like the idiot he was - would be caught in the crossfire wondering how his life had spiraled into this madness.
Jaune took one careful step back, trying to quietly slink away. Slowly, steady...
His boot hit a rock.
...
Sun's head snapped up. Ilia's eyes narrowed, "Oh no," Jaune whispered. He shifted his weight ever so slightly to move, and that's when it happened - he slipped, his foot catching the loose stone and sending him tumbling down the hill like a sack of potatoes.
"AAAAAHHHHHH-!"
Sun's eyes bulged, "Dude! What- "
"Who is that?!" Ilia barked, leaping backward as Jaune bowled straight through her meticulously arranged traps like a human wrecking ball. The traps hit against his Aura, and he yelped in pain every time. Having a large Aura reserve felt like a mixed blessing right now."
Jaune crashed into Sun's open case of Dust, sending crystals scattering across the ground. He scrambled upright just as Sun lunged forward to scoop up the pile, but Jaune - flailing like a man desperately trying to avoid arrest - tripped again, landing the edge of of shield landing onto a particularly large red crystal.
For a split second, nothing happened.
Then, everything exploded.
A massive fireball erupted from the center of the clearing, quickly followed by lightning bolts, blizzards, and other elemental-themed explosions. The barrage sent Sun and Ilia flying in opposite directions like ragdolls, their Auras flaring. Jaune, meanwhile, was hurled directly into the river, splashing down with all the grace of a fallen log, his Aura dangerously in the red but still somehow holding.
When Jaune finally resurfaced, spitting water and shaking soot from his hair, he half-expected to see the entire jungle on fire. Instead, he found Sun sprawled on the ground, groaning in pain, and Ilia twitching as she tried - unsuccessfully - to rise to her feet. Both of their Auras flickered faintly before sputtering out entirely. Jaune, somehow, was still standing. Or rather, still floating, bobbing slightly in the stream like a very confused duck.
A brief silence filled the clearing, broken only by the soft gurgle of water and Sun's barely-audible grumble, "Dude... seriously?"
Jaune blinked, dragging himself onto the riverbank with a groan, "I-I didn't mean to!"
Ilia's voice cut through the air, hoarse but furious, "Who even are you?! I've meticulously researched every single contestant! You've ruined everything!"
Jaune opened his mouth to answer, only to pause and glance down at his dripping clothes. He pointed weakly to himself, "...Uh...my name's Jaune?"
Sun slowly sat up, looking between Ilia and Jaune before sighing in exasperation, "Man...I saved up so much for that Dust..."
Jaune rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, "...Sorry?"
Port's voice suddenly blared to life from Jaune's scroll, startling all three of them, "AND THAT'S ANOTHER DOUBLE ELIMINATION, FOLKS! WHAT A SPECTACLE! CONTESTANT NUMBER 50, JAUNE ARC, EMERGES VICTORIOUS IN A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS!"
Jaune stared at the screen in mute disbelief, "I...won?" He...didn't feel good about any of this. At all.
Ilia groaned, throwing her arm over her eyes as if to hide from the sheer embarrassment, "You've got to be kidding me."
Sun just laughed, lying back down with a resigned grin, "Well, guess that's one way to do it. Just...make sure Blake's happy, alright? I'm trusting her future to you, man!"
"I'm not! UGHH! This sucks!" Ilia screamed.
Jaune groaned, "Please don't make this sound more dramatic than it is..."
Half an hour later, Jaune dragged himself into another cave, dripping wet and leaving a soggy trail behind him like some kind of pathetic, mud-caked slug. His arms hung limply at his sides, and his stomach growled with such aggressive ferocity that he half-expected it to detach from his body and go hunting on its own. Collapsing against the cold, rocky wall, Jaune tilted his head back and groaned, "I don't care what anyone says. I'm calling this the worst day of my life." His voice echoed faintly off the cave walls, mocking him with his own miserable tone.
His damp clothes clung uncomfortably to his skin, and as he wrung water from his sleeves for the third time, his stomach made another pitiful sound, "Alright, stomach. I get it," Jaune muttered, glancing around the cave. Of course, there wasn't a single scrap of food to be found. Not even a suspicious mushroom that might've been poisonous but edible if he got desperate enough. Being poisoned would've been a hell of a lot better than getting cleaved in half. At least there'd be a body for his family to recover.
That was why he didn't just let that crazy sword guy get him. He wanted to get out of here, yeah, but he also didn't want to do it in a body bag. Aura wasn't foolproof. He wasn't gonna risk getting cut in half by some deranged simp. Getting blown up was bad enough.
"Three days," He sighed, "I just need to last three days. How hard could it be?" He remembered everything that happened so far and slapped his forehead, "I should really stop asking stupid questions..."
For a moment, he debated venturing outside again to search for food. Then he remembered the other guy still running around with that massive sword, screaming about 'Bellabooty,' and decided starvation wasn't so bad after all.
Just as Jaune was preparing to accept his fate as a cave hermit, his scroll buzzed loudly from his pocket. He jumped, nearly dropping it into the mud, "Who the-?!" He fumbled to answer the call, expecting Ruby or Pyrrha asking he needed help (YES!). Hell, he'd take Sun calling to chew him out for blowing up his entire Dust collection.
Instead, a deep, modulated voice filtered through the speaker, "You're really not interested in Blake?"
Jaune blinked, "Uh...who is this?"
"That's not important."
"...Right. Totally normal." Jaune pinched the bridge of his nose, too exhausted to question the ridiculousness of a mysterious voice calling him on a deserted island battle royale, "Yeah, I'm not interested in Blake. Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
There was a long pause, the voice crackling faintly over the line, "Good. I'll help you win."
Jaune froze, staring at his scroll like it had grown an extra screen, "I'm sorry, what?"
"Think about it," the voice continued calmly, as if this wasn't completely absurd, "You win, you refuse to date her, and everyone can stop obsessing over this ridiculous competition. You survive, Blake gets peace, and the madness ends."
Jaune scratched his head, processing that, "...Okay, but why do you care?"
"Because I don't want Blake dating a bunch of idiots, and you're the least threatening one here."
Jaune frowned, "Wow. Thanks for that."
"It's a compliment. Don't overthink it."
"I'm definitely overthinking it." Jaune's stomach growled again, louder this time, echoing painfully in the small cave, "...Okay, so, how exactly am I supposed to 'win' this thing? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly the best fighter. I just survived two eliminations by accident."
"You'll need supplies. Food, water, and basic survival gear," the voice replied simply, as if this was obvious, "You can't win on an empty stomach. The longer you're weak, the more likely someone else will cave your face in."
Jaune winced, "Yeah, I did figure that part out."
"Good. Then gather food. I've sent coordinates along with a map on your scroll. It won't be hard. The island has fruit, fish, and wild game if you can manage it."
Jaune glanced around the cave. The thought of stumbling back outside, soaking wet and with no idea how to hunt, filled him with dread, "You know, I feel like you're really overestimating my survival skills." He camped out with his family a lot, sure, but they didn't have to deal with crazy Blake simps out for blood.
The voice didn't waver, "Learn fast. The alternative is starving."
Jaune groaned, rubbing his eyes, "Great. Fantastic. I'm getting survival advice from an anonymous phone call during a competition for Blake's heart. This is my life now." Another long pause followed, and for a brief moment, Jaune thought the call had ended.
Then the voice added flatly, "You might also want to watch out for the guy with the greatsword. He's circling back toward the caves."
Jaune's heart dropped, "He's what?!"
The call ended.
Jaune stared blankly at his screen, his hand trembling slightly as he shoved the scroll back into his pocket and scrambled to his feet, "Alright! Nope! No more caves!" He bolted from the entrance, half-stumbling as his foot caught on a rock but managing to keep his balance, "Gotta find food! Gotta not get stabbed! Perfectly normal priorities!" Jaune yelled into the night as he fled into the jungle, with nothing but the sound of his own panicked breathing - and the distant crunch of footsteps - echoing behind him.
Blake leaned back in the oversized leather chair Weiss had dramatically called her 'throne', staring at the massive screen wall in front of her. Multiple feeds flickered in real-time, showing the chaos unfolding across the island below.
To her left, Sun lay groaning in the dirt, still patting out the smoldering remains of his shirt. To her right, Ilia was sprawled out next to a tree, probably reconsidering all her life choices. She liked to think they were her friends, but after today, she was having second thoughts.
At the dead center screen, Jaune Arc was frantically sprinting through the jungle like a man who just realized he was trapped on an island with forty-nine lunatics who all had violent crushes on her. Blake sighed, rubbing her temples, "This whole thing is so stupid."
Seriously, how had it come to this?
At first, she thought it was a joke - some ridiculous rumor Yang probably started for fun. But no. A literal battle royale had been sanctioned in her name. Ozpin, of all people, signed off on it, and Weiss had offered up her private island to host the madness. How did Weiss even get her dads' permission for this?
And now here she was, sitting on an airship, technically the "prize" for this idiotic event. She glanced down at her scroll, Jaune's contact still displayed from her earlier call. Well...at least one of them wasn't actively trying to kill someone over her. That was a refreshing change of pace.
Blake stretched, the leather groaning under her as she propped her feet up on the control panel. Her eyes flicked back to Jaune's feed. He was currently faceplanting over a fallen branch, swearing under his breath as he pushed himself back up.
Yeah. This could work.
Honestly, Jaune winning was the best-case scenario for everyone involved. If she led him to victory, he could claim the prize - her - without any of the weird romantic nonsense. They could shake hands, nod politely, and walk away like civilized people. As far as the world was concerned, they were dating, so no more stupid tournaments or anything else to try and 'win her heart'. She could finally finish her backlog of Ninjas of Love books.
Peace. Quiet. No more Bellabooty.
Blake cringed at the memory of that phrase. Never again, she thought. She swiped through the feeds, watching other contestants launch into increasingly absurd battles. Adam was dueling four random students at once like he was performing on stage, tearing through them without even a dent in his Aura. Meanwhile Yang was fist-fighting what looked like a grizzly bear Faunus. These two would be the most dangerous obstacles to Jaune's victory.
"I swear, if I find out Yang started this..." Blake muttered darkly. Her gaze drifted back to Jaune. He was still running, eyes darting nervously in every direction. To his credit, he had decent instincts when it came to danger. Though, that might've just been the fear of imminent death guiding him.
She tapped her scroll again, calling him back, "Come on...pick up."
It rang once. Twice. Finally, his panicked voice crackled through, "Hello?! I thought we were done! Why is he coming back? I'm gonna die-"
"Relax." Blake fought back the smirk tugging at her lips, "He's not close yet. You've got time."
"Not close yet?! I don't like that 'yet' part!"
Blake rolled her eyes, "Look, Jaune, if you want to survive, you're going to have to listen to me."
There was a beat of silence. She could practically hear him second-guessing every decision he'd ever made,"...Alright," he said, voice finally calming down, "I guess I don't have much of a choice."
"You don't," Blake hummed. She pulled up a map of the island, scanning for potential supply spots, "Head east. There's a fruit grove about half a mile from your position. You can stock up there. I won't always be able to guide you, so check the map I sent earlier."
"Fruit grove. Right. Got it." His footsteps picked up speed, crunching through leaves, "This is still the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me, by the way."
Blake crossed her legs, watching him carefully, "Trust me. You're not the only one who thinks that."
Jaune has Blake on his side. Will this be enough to win against the Simp Legion? We'll see.
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