Brave New Ed

The first thing Eddy noticed was the rancid smell of spoiled milk, meat, and God knows what else. He grumbled as he wondered if his mom was cleaning out the fridge again. He cracked open his eyes and while his vision was still a blur, the colors next to him matched the shape and skin tone of his buddy Ed who was using his green jacket as a blanket.

Eddy groaned and rubbed his eyes, "Ed? What are you doing in my- wait."

As Eddy's vision cleared up, he noticed that he wasn't in his bed. Then Eddy noticed he wasn't even in his room, he was outside on the ground. And finally, Eddy noticed he wasn't even in the cul-de-sac he called home.

It was a lot to take in, all around were destroyed buildings which were encircled by a massive wall and the ground beneath him was all sand. A bit of a makeshift road was visible which led to two gates that led out of this sorry excuse for a town. The only signs of any sort of civilization was a windmill made of metal, and two oddly intact buildings; one of which had a huge sign saying "BAR" and the other being a huge tower that was on the other side of the town.

Eddy slapped himself in an effort to wake up. "YEOW!" he cried out in pain.

"Eddy?"

Behind Ed was Edd or "Double-D" as he was better known, he was wearing his beanie hat along with a sleeping mask, earplugs, and apparently nose plugs. He pulled out one of his earplugs, "What are you doing in my room so early?"

Eddy jumped over Ed and grabbed hold of Double-D, "Wake up, Sockhead! We're in trouble!"

"What else is new?" Double-D dryly asked as he took the sleeping mask off, and getting an eyeful of their new surroundings. "Uh, Eddy, where are we?"

Eddy shrugged, "How should I know?"

Double-D picked himself up and started removing the rest of his sleeping gear, "Well, usually when I wake up in a weird location, it's because you and Ed dragged me there."

"It wasn't me this time! I mean, maybe it was Ed!" Eddy turned his attention to their still-slumbering friend.

Double-D rubbed his head, "He has been known to sleepwalk...Eddy, wait!"

Eddy had jumped onto Ed and started shaking him, "Ed! Get up, you idiot! You really did it now you-"

Ed grabbed Eddy and pulled him into a hug as he kept snoozing.

"AH! ED, NO!" Eddy yelled.

Double-D chuckled a bit, "I tried to warn you." He walked over behind Ed's head, hopefully out of reach, "Oh Ed, I made you some pudding skin."

Ed's eyes shot open and a huge grin spread across his face, "Pudding skin!" he cheered as he got up, still hugging Eddy. He then noticed his friends around him, "Are we having a sleepover?"

"Let go of me, Ed! Why did you drag us all the way to Arizona?" Eddy yelled.

Ed let go of Eddy who fell to the ground, his jacket fell to the ground too, "Arizona? But Eddy, it's too dry!"

Double-D picked up Ed's jacket, and put it on his friend, "Ed, if you haven't noticed, we aren't home anymore. In fact, we have no idea where we are or how we even got here."

Ed rubbed his neck a bit, and pointed upwards, "It is simple! We were abducted from our homes and sent through a dimensional portal to an alien world for the entertainment of beings beyond our understanding!"

Double-D rolled his eyes at the theory while Eddy shrugged, "Excuse plot crossover, got it."

Glad to see they're so accepting.

Double-D heavily sighed, "There has to be a more reasonable explanation than us being on an alien world. I mean, look, there's people around!"

Well, there was at least one man stumbling out of the building marked "BAR" and he wandered into one of the ruins where he sat down among other vagrants.

Eddy headed for the bar, "Right, let's go mingle with the locals, maybe they can call us a cab or give us directions. Ed couldn't have dragged us too far."

"But Eddy, I didn't drag you guys anywhere!" Ed remarked.

Double-D gave his friend a few pats on the back, "It's okay Ed, we forgive you, we know you can't control yourself at night."

The three Eds walked into the bar, the inside was a handful of customers drinking from cups and eating out of bowls. In the corner of the bar was a peculiar looking person that Ed couldn't help but point at, "Cool! A ninja!"

Double-D quickly pulled Ed's arm down, "Don't be rude, Ed!"

The ninja didn't react to this. They stood there, arms folded, watching over the bar.

Eddy looked around and realized that half the people in the bar were openly carrying weapons. The ninja in particular had two swords on their back. This made the leader of the trio a little nervous.

"Hey, welcome new customers!" greeted the barman waving the Eds over to the counter, "Come in for a grog? Oh hey, I actually got some bloodrum in stock."

The Eds made their way to the counter with Double-D answering, "Oh, we're too young to drink."

The barman's smile fell a moment before he laughed, "Hah! That's funny! Well if you want water instead we have that too."

"Uh, sure? We could use some water." Eddy answered.

"I'm hungry!" Ed added.

"We'll take three meals too."

The barman's smile got brighter, "Alright, that'll round up to a thousand Cats."

Eddy nearly fell over, "A thousand what?"

"Cats?" Double-D asked.

"Meow!" Ed meowed.

The barman wasn't amused, "Oh I get it, beggars. Well, that's actually normal around here, but I don't give credit to newcomers."

"What kind of weird place carries cats as cash?" Eddy asked.

Cats in this context refers to the coins that were traded for goods and services, named after the founder and leader of the Second Empire: Cat-Lon. This trivia isn't spelled out as blatanty in-game, and as such the Eds would probably never connect the dots themselves.

Double-D took over the conversation, "Um, pardon him, we aren't from around here. Could you possibly give us directions to Peach Creek?"

The barman shook his head, "Never heard of it."

This stumped Double-D but he tried to rationalize it, "Well, I suppose it is a little town, it's nearby Lemon Brook and-"

The barman cut him off, "Never heard of that either, have you boys been in the sun too long? What are peaches and lemons?"

"Fruits! Very yummy!" Ed answered.

Eddy hissed in Double-D's ear, "Is this guy for real?"

Double-D ignored Eddy's question, "I guess you aren't familiar with them?" he asked.

The barman shook his head again, "If it's fruit you're after, we don't carry cactus. Sorry, we just haven't since the dustwich incident."

Eddy had lost his patience and put his hands on the counter, "What kind of backwater town is this anyway?"

The barman was unmoved, "It's The Hub, isn't it obvious?"

Double-D started to shake nervously a little, "Well... like I said before, we aren't from around here. It seems as though we are far from home."

The barman sighed, "Don't you boys have a map?"

"No." Eddy told him.

The barman rubbed his chin, "Hmm, ah, okay, let me get you one. Don't worry about the cost, we got way too many of them."

The Barman laid out a topographical map of a large landmass that looked unfamiliar to the Eds.

"Uh...is this an island?" Double-D asked. Looking at it more, Double-D had a thought that it looked a bit similar to the United Kingdom if the islands were all combined together.

"This is the only known continent in the world, nobody who's went out to sea has ever come back." the barman explained.

Ed laughed a bit, "Here be dragons!"

The barman drew two buildings inside a gate on the map a bit inland from the west coast, "Right then, this is where The Hub should be, near the center of the Border Zone." He then drew an "X" a bit northwest of The Hub. "This here is an outpost ran by my brother, he uses it to scout for incoming caravans." He then drew another two buildings inside a gate to the southwest of The Hub inside a canyon, "And this...is Squin, it's a bustling city compared to The Hub, though it's under Shek control."

"Shek?" Eddy asked.

The barman shrugged, "The Shek are...well, big, tough, and always looking for a fight. Okran's teachings think they're demons but that's nonsense like the rest of their drivel."

"Who's Okran?" Double-D asked.

The barman pinched the bridge of his nose, "Okay, you boys are starting to worry me."

"My apologies, did I say something wrong?"

The barman shook his head, "No, it's just...well honestly it shouldn't be any of my business, but it seems like this is your first day here in this world."

Ed smiled wide, "I told ya! We're in an alien world!"

Eddy covered Ed's mouth, "Shut it, Ed!"

Double-D awkwardly smiled, "Uh, please don't listen to him, he uh...has an overactive imagination."

The barman nodded, "Uh huh...well, like I said, it's none of my business but you three should go back to wherever you came from."

"Easier said than done, we got no idea how we got here!" Eddy told him.

"Then you should learn to adapt quickly. It's a dangerous world out there, and it won't go easy on you just because you're not from here."

Double-D tapped his fingers together, "I uh...um, guess we need a way to make...you said cats?"

The barman nodded, "Yeah. Tell ya what, there's some pickaxes around back. A bit outside of town are several copper veins, bring me back some ore and I'll buy them from ya."

Eddy groaned, "Wow, manual labor."

"We can't afford to be picky Eddy!" Double-D told him, "Then again, this sounds a bit too simple."

The barman shrugged, "Like I said, it's dangerous. Outside of town there's two groups of bandits and wild animals roaming the desert. Since none of you are armed, I recommend you should run at the first sign of trouble."

Ed jumped up and down, "Oh I can run! I can run real fast!"

The barman watched in awe as Ed kept jumping, "I uh...I bet you can."

With that, the Eds exited the bar and went around back for the aforementioned pickaxes. Sticking out of the ground near the pickaxes were a couple of discarded iron sticks.

Eddy picked them up, "Hey! These will come in handy!"

He handed one to Ed and the other to Double-D, the latter raised an eyebrow, "Eddy, why are you giving us these?"

Eddy swung his iron stick a few times, "You heard that barman, there's a bunch of bandits and such out there!"

Ed grinned wide and held aloft his iron club, "Ooh! A sword of legend! I have the POWER!"

Double-D groaned, "Eddy, he recommended we run, not fight!"

Eddy patted his iron club on his shoulder, "Yeah, yeah, this is just for looks! Nobody's gonna want to fight us if we have weapons!

Eddy was very wrong in this, as the bandits of the desert are usually either too bloodthirsty or desperate to be intimidated by any weapons.

Eddy glared at me, "Hey, narrator, wait until it doesn't work to tell me I'm wrong, would ya?"

Fine, your funeral.

"Shall we move along? We need to find those copper veins." Double-D asked.

Ed picked up the pickaxes, "Follow the yellowbrick road!"

Eddy led the trio to one of the gates of The Hub, noticably opened and unguarded unless you count it being watched by one of the semi-concious vagrants. The Eds passed through the gate and saw the world outside for the first time.

Sand. Lots of sand. The Eds had found themselves in a massive arid desert full of sand, rocks, and even a tree here and there. The Hub appeared to be built on the plateau of a mountain of sand and rock. A road led down a slope and the Eds began walking down it with Double-D looking around, "This is certainly not familiar at all. Where could we possibly be?"

"Alien world!" Ed yelled again.

Double-D groaned, "You know what? Fine, alien world! Are you happy, Ed?"

Ed looked a bit worried, "Are you mad, Double-D?"

"I am STRESSING OUT! There's so many questions I have that need answering! And your nonsense isn't helping!"

"Jeez Double-D, calm down!" Eddy told him, "I get it, we ain't in Kansas no more, but freaking out isn't gonna help us."

"Right, right...let's just focus on the copper for now. At least this place has enough semblance of civilization that they have food and water readily available."

"What does copper look like again?" Ed asked.

Double-D looked around, "It should be easy to spot, Ed. Shiny, red-orange, or maybe even brown."

"Like that?" Ed pointed at a bunch of copper poking out of the ground from a vein.

Double-D was aghast, "Why, yes! Wow, that was...easy. Copper mines are usually heavily used and owned by large companies."

Eddy smiled, "Well, it's ours now! Get us some copper, Ed!"

Ed brandished his pickaxe, "You got it, Eddy!" the tall boy ran at high speed and started striking the copper.

Double-D joined him, "Here Ed, I'll give you a hand, apologies for snapping earlier."

"Aw, it's nessie under the water, Double-D!"

Eddy rubbed his chin as he watched the two work, "Hmm, looks like you two got this covered! See ya!" he turned to leave.

"And where are you going?" Double-D asked.

"Back into town, we didn't get a good look around and I wanted to check it out." Eddy told him.

"You can't expect us to do this by ourselves!" Double-D told him as he left Ed to mine all by himself.

"C'mon, you guys got this just fine! I'd probably just get in the way if I tried to mine with ya."

Double-D looked at the copper vein Ed was mining on his own. Eddy did have a point, all three of them trying to strike at the same copper would be awkward and potentially dangerous. "Okay, I can't argue with that...but can't you stick around to tag one of us out if we get tired?"

"Tell ya what Double-D, if I don't find anything worthwhile then I'll take over for you and you can look around instead."

Double-D sighed, there was no winning this argument, "Just don't get into trouble Eddy, we're in way over our heads as it is."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be on my best behavior."

Eddy ran back up the slope to The Hub and Double-D sighed, "I hope he doesn't get arrested."

Ed all the while was talking to himself, "Mine the copper, mine the copper, mine the copper!"

...

While the duo were working on that, Eddy wandered around The Hub looking for anything useful or interesting. The first stop was the tower he noticed when the Eds first woke up as something about it told him a place that big had to have something valuable in it. He ran up a set of stairs that led to a walkway on the wall, and followed it to the tower. Along the way he looked down into the town, still full of ruins but in the middle of them was a small tucked away shack he hadn't noticed before.

Eddy made a mental note to check it out after the tower. He walked down another stairs from the walkway and approached the tower to see someone standing guard outside. To his surprise and amusement, it was another ninja, this one with a bandana to complete the getup. Eddy also noticed the katana on his back, so tried his hardest not to laugh and instead tried to strike up a conversation, "Uh, hey, what's up with this tower?"

The ninja looked Eddy over, "So, you want in on the Shinobi, eh?"

Eddy didn't understand the word, "The what now?"

"Us man, the Shinobi Thieves. We run a business where we collect things that may or may not necessarily belong to us and trade them with people for cats."

Eddy did understand those words, he had connected "cats" with "cash" and grinned, "Oh yeah! How do I join?"

"You just gotta pay the fee."

Eddy's grin faded, "Wait, fee?"

"This is a business we're running, not a social club. One-time membership fee of ten-thousand cats and you're in."

Eddy, a lifelong con artist, could see where this was going, "What? Ten-thousand cats? What do I get out of this?"

"You get yourself allies. We got hideouts like this in a lot of major towns, and in these towers we got beds, we got training equipment, and you can make it all back by selling your...appropriated goods with our respected legitimate tradesman, who also may or may not have some hard to find specialist equipment for you."

Eddy was conflicted. On one hand it sounded like stuff he and the Eds could use, but on the other hand it sounded too good to be true and possibly a pyramid scheme.

"But wait, there's more! We also have an in-house barber and plastic surgeon in case you may or may not need to make a few...adjustments for a discount."

Eddy was sold now, but he unfortunately did not have ten-thousand cats, "Uh, maybe another time, I need to check with my crew."

The ninja nodded, "Of course, they and any other associates you have are also welcomed to use our services should you choose to enroll in our membership program."

Now Eddy HAD to join this shady group. He'll figure out how to get the money later, for now he wanted to check out that shack. It was a short jog around the ruins, and Eddy quickly found the shack. He looked around to see if any of the vagrants were looking, and seeing the coast was clear, he checked the door to find it unlocked.

The shack didn't have anyone in it, inside was a table with stools, a shelf with miscellaneous stuff on it, a few lit torches, and a divider wall. Behind the wall were two beds, a wall shelf, and-

"Bingo! Chest!" Eddy cheered to himself. He tried the chest to find it locked, but this didn't deter him. He produced a bobby pin from hammerspace and picked the lock.

Inside the chest however, was just documents and more household junk.

"What a rip!" Eddy yelled as he slammed the chest shut. He plopped down on one of the beds in frustration. It felt surprisingly comfortable, and looking around, the leader of the Eds realized this shack was pretty cozy all things considered. He had found their new base of operations.

...

Meanwhile, Ed and Double-D were still mining copper. They had collected a few ores, and Double-D noticed something, "Ed, are you feeling tired at all?" he asked.

"Nope, I could do this all day!" Ed answered.

"That's the thing Ed, I'm not feeling too tired either and we've been at this for a while."

Ed smiled, "We are human batteries!"

"I think it's more there's something...weird about this world. Perhaps the gravity is-"

"I'm back!" Eddy cried out as he approached the other Eds.

Double-D dropped his thought, "Welcome back Eddy, are you here to take over for me?"

"Yeah right! I found something you guys gotta see!" Eddy waved for them to follow.

"But Eddy, what about the copper?"

"It'll be here when we get back! Ed, grab what you two already got."

"Okie dokie!" Ed picked up the ores they'd mined so far and followed after Eddy.

Double-D slowly followed too, "Eddy, what are you-"

"C'mon!" Eddy yelled as he led the three back into The Hub and to the shack he found. He opened his arms out as he paraded around the space, "What do ya think, huh?" he asked.

"Cool!" Ed exclaimed as he jumped on one of the beds.

"Uh, Eddy, who's building is this?" Double-D asked.

Eddy took a seat on a stool and put his legs up on the table, "It's ours now, Double-D!"

Double-D put his hands on his hips, "You can't be serious! This is breaking and entering!"

"Nah, it's more like uh..."

"Squatting!" Ed cried out.

"Yeah, squatters rights!" Eddy remarked.

Double-D groaned, "Eddy, I don't feel comfortable staying in here, even if it is abandoned."

"This will only be temporary, Double-D! Unless you'd rather sleep outside near all the shady looking people."

"...I think I'd rather ask the barman if I could rent a bed there, if he has any available."

"Fine, you do that, we only got two beds in here anyway."

"Eddy, how long do I have to hold onto the copper?" Ed asked, still holding the ores.

Eddy got up and grabbed Ed, "Oh yeah! Let's go get paid!"

Eddy led Ed outside and Double-D shook his head as he followed, "Some things never change..."

The trio entered the bar and Ed dropped the copper on the bar counter. The barman looked them over, "Alright, that's about a thousand cats worth."

Eddy grinned wide, "We're rich! Filthy rich!"

The barman snorted, "Kid, a thousand cats can barely buy you dinner for three."

"Lousy inflation..." Eddy grumbled.

The barman gave the trio prepared food consisting of rice, cooked vegetables, and rice mixed with cooked vegetables, "You're gonna have to sort it out yourselves. Oh, and here's the rest I owe ya."

A small pouch of thin metalic coins dropped onto the counter and Eddy quickly snatched it up.

"Uh, excuse me, but do you happen to know who owns the small shack in the middle of town?" Double-D asked.

"Double-D!" Eddy yelled.

The barman shrugged, "Yeah, that was where a small detachment from the Holy Nation set up camp a few months back, but we sent them packing. Nobody wanted to move in after, bad memories and all."

"Huh, can we use it?" Eddy asked.

"Sure, why not?"

"Sweet! We got a base!" Eddy cheered.

"It's free real estate!" Ed cheered as he dug into some food.

"That's uh...kind of you." Double-D told the barman.

The barman grimly smirked, "Well, I should let you know that we sent them packing by killing one of them in there, in his sleep."

Double-D and Eddy's eyes went wide. Ed was too focused on eating to listen.

"Uh...well, in that case, do you have anywhere we can sleep that hasn't had any...unfortunate incidents?" Double-D asked.

The barman pointed up to the roof, "Yeah, we got some beds on the roof, fifty cats a night and we'll keep an eye on ya for your safety."

Nothing about that sounded good to Double-D, "Good uh...good to know...suddenly I've lost my appetite."

...

The Eds were back in the abandoned shack sitting around the table, trying hard to forget what they had learned about it.

"So uh...any ideas on how we can get back home Double-D?" Eddy asked.

Double-D shook his head, "I keep wishing this is just a dream, but so much of this feels too real."

"Doo doo doo doo doo, Mr. Sandman!" Ed sang off-key.

Eddy set the pouch of cats on the table, "Well, at least we can make some moolah here!"

Double-D eyed the pouch, then looked over at Eddy, "Is it safe to assume that our remaining cats will be divided into equal thirds or are you just keeping it all to yourself?"

Eddy folded his arms behind his back with a grin, "Relax, we're splitting it sixty-forty with you two each getting a twenty percent cut."

Double-D smirked a bit, "Sure Eddy, and when bandits attack, they'll go after you since you have the most money."

Eddy's grin fell away, "Uh...on second thought, let's go with your idea of thirds."

Double-D rubbed his chin, "Hm, you know Eddy, it actually might be for the best if we keep all these coins in one piece and only use them when needed."

"Do we need to bury them somewhere?" Ed asked.

Double-D shook his head, "Not necessarily Ed, we should keep a record on how much we have at a time though."

Eddy smiled, "Sounds like a plan! You keep track of it Double-D."

Double-D sighed, "Somehow I knew you'd delegate that task to me."

"Who else? Ed will probably just lose it and I got more important stuff to do, like figuring out how we spend it."

"Fine, but only if I get to hold onto the pouch of cats, and I have the final say on how they're used."

Eddy patted Ed's shoulder, "You can hold onto them, but me and Ed get voting power for how we use them."

"Democracy!" Ed cried out.

Double-D eyed Eddy suspiciously, "Wait... do you already have something in mind on how we should use these?"

Eddy snickered a bit, "Get this Double-D, I got the low-down on a group of ninjas in the tower around the block that'll let us join them for a measly ten-thousand cats."

Double-D's eyes went wide, "You want us to join a gang?"

"It isn't a gang! It's a guild for armed individuals who take things that aren't nailed down and redistribute them into the grey market."

Double-D wasn't amused, "...so, a gang."

Eddy shrugged, "To-may-to, to-mah-to."

"Who the heck says 'to-mah-to?'" Ed asked.

Eddy and Double-D ignored this thought-provoking question.

Double-D folded his arms, "You know Eddy, it's quite uncharacteristic of you to want to waste a large sum of money."

Eddy rubbed his hands together, "It's an investment, Double-D! You know what they say, you gotta invest money to earn money!"

Double-D put a palm over his face, "...there's a joke here with bankruptcy and a bunch of topical options but it's just too easy to make."

"Look Sockhead, from what I gather, this investment will help us out in spades! A few safe places to sleep, money making opportunities, and it will even give you access to a plastic surgeon!"

Double-D shook his head, "Come now Eddy, what could I possibly need with a plastic surgeon?"

Eddy pointed at Double-D's hat, "You can ask them to fix that thing under your hat."

Double-D put both hands on his hat, "I rather not put my trust in a black market plastic surgeon."

"Right, what about you Ed? You want to join up with the ninjas?"

Ed smiled wide, "Ooh! I wanna be a ninja! They're so cool Double-D!"

Eddy dramatically put an arm around Double-D, "See Double-D? You're breaking his heart, it's all he's ever wanted!"

Double-D groaned, "Eddy, please don't emotionally manipulate me!"

Ed got up in Double-D's face, "Aw, come on Double-D! It sounds like fun!"

Double-D sighed, "Et tu, Ed? Well, if you two want to work to raise the capital for their exorbitant entrance fee, go ahead. I however would rather focus on our survival."

Eddy smirked, "Hey, making allies and finding safe places for us is very important for survival! Especially on an alien world."

The room was quiet for a moment.

"...well, you aren't incorrect." Double-D finally said.

"Is it so hard to admit I'm right?"

"Yes, yes it is."