Intermission:
Spring Solstice II:
Prank Calls from Hell
Secret Report:
In my time here on Remnant, I have observed the behavior of its people, specifically in Atlas and compared it to the behavior and intellect of the people from my former home Radiant Garden. In comparison to many worlds, Remnant is advanced but also lacking. The Scrolls are obviously superior to most humanoid communication devices such as the cellphone, even the more advanced models having touchscreens, capable of sending and receiving text messages, having games, taking pictures, recording videos and several other similarities. The Scrolls on the other hand utilize a holographic based screen in comparison to the touchscreen feature most humanoid populated Worlds utilize.
However, the communication range without the CCT Network is limited, especially since Remnant cannot utilize satellites. Before now, no one has attempted to find an alternative source of energy to use in place of Dust. While the SDC is focused on mining for Dust I believe there will be a point when the Dust resources of Remnant will eventually run out. It is likely that scenario will lead to the kingdoms competing to fend any remaining Dust and hoarding the resources they have for their own.
Given what I have been told of the Wizard's mission to unite humanity, I am concerned that Ozpin has not appeared to show any realization of this or taken steps to prevent this scenario. While I understand that keeping the Relics away from Salem is paramount, the Queen of the Grimm is still one of many threats to Remnant's future as well as the most dangerous. To this end, I have decided to enlist the aid of a…consultant to take part in an experiment to better determine the collective intelligence of this World's people, during the next Spring Solstice.
"…No need to fret. The greatness of Atlas is always considered to those who are less coordinated than others or too inept to do their job properly. We shall mold you until you are the perfect soldier and nurture you until you can stand on your own two feet for the sake of Atlas if nothing else…But that will be coming out of your paycheck."
"Aw man." The soldier who dropped the crate groaned.
Caroline Cordovin walked past the man, not sparing him another glance, stopping when her Scroll rang.
RING-RING-RING!
Taking a sip of her coffee, Cordovin answered her Scroll. "Specialist Cordovin speaking."
"Specialist Cordovon, this is General Ironwood."
Cordovin's eyes widened, and she immediately straightened herself up. "General Ironwood, how may I assist you?"
"There is a specialist as your base who might be in danger. I must speak with them immediately."
"Of course, sir. Give me the name."
A second later, Cordovin was in her office with two Specialists at the door as she pressed the 'speaker' button. "Attention all personnel. General Ironwood has personally called and informed me that someone assigned here may be in danger. I hereby call for Amanda Huggenkiss."
…
…
…
The two Specialists at the door were just staring at Cordovin with wide eyes before one of them finally spoke. "I-I'm sorry, Commander. Who are you calling for?"
"I said I'm calling for Specialist Amanda Huggenkess," Cordovin repeated with a look of the utmost seriousness.
What happened next was something Cordovin didn't expect as the two Specialists…along with everyone in the base started laughing. An uproar of laughter came over the speakers in Cordovin's office.
"Wha-What is this?! How dare you laugh?!" Cordovin huffed in outrage. "I said I want Amanda Huggenkiss! Where is Amanda Huggenkiss?! Oh, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?!"
"Maybe-" One of the two Specialists stuttered, struggling to speak as he laughed. "Maybe your standards are too high!"
Cordovin blinked…and then suddenly got it. "Hey, wait a minute! Amanda Huggenkiss?!" She picked up her scroll and redialed the number. "Who is this?! How dare you mock me?! Do you have any idea who I am?!"
"…Specialist Cordovin." Ironwood's voice came over the speaker, causing Cordovin's eyes to widen. "What are you talking about?"
"Um…."
"I swear the General spent two hours chewing that Cordovin woman out over falling for such a simple prank call." Morrow recounted with a big smile on his face.
"It sure sounded like it was that long." Clover chuckled.
"I can't believe she fell for something like that." Harriet threw her head back and laughed. "And she's supposed to be a commander!"
"Well, there is the small problem of someone using the General's personal number to play a prank call." Clover admitted.
"Probably was just an accident. I accidently got stuck with a Scroll number being the same as a dress designer in Mistral. When the tux my folks ordered for the Vytal Festival Prom was replaced by a dress, they got a little worried." Morrow nervously chuckled.
"Are you sure it was an accident?" Harriet asked with a dry smile.
"Hey!"
RING-RING-RING!
Morrow narrowed his eyes at Harriet who smiled back and answered his Scroll. "Hello? Specialist Schnee, how can I help you?...Who is that?!"
The Ace-Ops all jumped at the sound of Morrow's voice. Tortuga and Harriet both shared a glance as Morrow had a flustered look on his face.
"Are you sure they are real? How do I know you're-" Morrow then paled. "No, no, no! You don't have to come down, Specialist Schnee! I'll ask them!"
Morrow then stood up, clearing his throat.
"Is something wrong, Morrow?" Clover asked.
"Specialist Schnee has instructed me to ask if any of you have seen…Mike Rotch." Morrow asked, gulping as he spoke.
Clover, Vine and Tortuga's eyes widened while Harriet and Elm just stared at Morrow with surprised faces as he was now sweating, with Elm asking the question. "What?"
"Mike Rotch. To clarify, she did ask me-"
"Who asked you, Specialist Morrow?"
Morrow paled and turned around to see Winter standing behind him with her arms crossed and a very scary glare directed him. "Specialist Winter-?! Weren't you just-"
POW!
The rest of the Ace-Ops flinched as Winter's fist knocked him down, colliding with his chair that fell with him. Winter turned around and marched out of the cafeteria while the rest of the Ace-Ops stared down at their newest manner.
"You actually said that…while she was right there." Harriet commented and shook her head. "And here I thought I had you pegged, Morrow. But you've just proven to be dumber than I thought."
"She asked me…It was her voice on the Scroll…" Morrow groaned before he passed out.
RING-RING-RING!
RING-RING-RING!
"Hello, Glynda Goodwitch, Deputy Headmistress of Beacon Academy." Glynda answered her Scroll and listened to the person on the other end.
…
…
…
"Let me get this straight. You are looking for a Hugh Jazz." Glynda carefully said. "That is actually his name."
…
…
…
"Peter!" Glynda then called out, earning the attention of her fellow professor who was having lunch at a separate table.
"Yes, Glynda?" Peter Port walked up to her table.
Glynda handed her Scroll to him. "I think this is for you."
Pete accepted the Scroll. "Hello, this is Professor Peter Port of Beacon."
…
…
…
"I think your hearing is off, Glynda. Whoever this is, is asking for a Hugh Jazz." Pete stated to Glynda who simply shrugged while Professor Greene snickered, barely able to hold her laughter back.
"Oh dear." Professor Peach covered her mouth, apparently stunned.
"Ah, I think I get it." Professor Mulbery chuckled.
"What? They just said they are looking for a Hugh Jazz." Port shrugged.
That was when Ozpin walked into the room. "What's all the commotion?"
"We have a caller looking for a Hugh Jazz and for some reason Glynda handed her Scroll to me." Peter answered, pointing at Glynda who continued eating her lunch nonchalantly.
Ozpin glanced back at Glynda and then back at Peter.
"Wait a second…Hugh Jazz…Hey, wait a minute!"
That was when Professor Greene fell off her chair, laughing her head off.
RING-RING-RING!
"Junior's Three Bears Club, how can I help ya?" Junior Hei Xiong answered his Scroll. "Okay, just a sec."
He made a gesture to the DJ who turned off the music playing and took control of the speakers with his Scroll. "Attention everyone!"
Everyone in the club stopped and looked over at Junior was he stood at the bar. "I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt."
…
…
…
"HAHAHAHAH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Practically everyone in the club fell over laughing, even Junior's own henchmen and the Malachite Sisters couldn't help themselves.
"Hey, what's so funny?!" Junior barked.
"B-Bo-Boss, you probably shouldn't say such things!" A henchman said, falling against the counter, holding his stomach as he laughed. "This a Spring Solstice thing?"
Junior blinked for a moment. "…Hey, wait a minute!" He gripped his Scroll with both hands. "Whoever this is, I will find you, bash your head in with my club and paint my house with your brains!"
RING-RING-RING!
"Mirage, perhaps the only good bar in Vacuo."
…
…
…
"One moment please." The bartender lowered his Scroll. "Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle! Everyone, put your glasses down. Ivana Tinkle!"
"HAHAHAHAH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"…Hey, wait a minute!"
RING-RING-RING!
"Spider's Web, how can I help you?"
…
…
…
"Just a sec." The bartender then called out to the owner of the bar. "Hey, boss. An informant has called in with a name you've been looking for."
"And who is that?" Lil' Miss Malachite asked, waving a fan near her face.
"A Mr. Freely, first initials I. P." The bartender answered.
…
…
…
"HAHAHAHAH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"I…P…Freely." Malachite raised an eyebrow as everyone else laughed. "My good bartender, I think you've been made the victim of a prank call."
The bartender blinked…
"… Hey, wait a minute!"
And then he realized what had happened.
RING-RING-RING!
"Wha-What?" A certain dust old 'qrow' woke up near a trash bin in an alley, a glass bottle near his hand that lifted up and answered his Scroll. "Hello?"
"Hello, I am looking for a guy Coholic, first name Al." The person on the other end said.
"Al Chololic, yeah sure." Qrow grumbled as he got up and staggered around. "Al Chololic? Al Chololic! Anyone see Al Chololic?"
"I'm looking at one." A woman said, walking right past him.
"Huh?" Qrow blinked…and then smacked himself on his own head. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I get it…Hahah…Good one!" Qrow laughed as he swayed back and forth. "Al Chololic! Whoever comes up with these?"
RING-RING-RING!
"Diamond Dust Company, how can I help you?" A secretary answered the Scroll.
"Yes is Jacques there?"
"Mr. Gele, do you have an appointment?"
"I believe I do. Conference call at 10:00."
"One second." The secretary redirected the call. "Mr. Gele, your 10:00 conference call is calling."
"What? I don't have a conference call…Jacques Strap?" Jacques slowly asked, hearing the voice on the other end. "Who the hell is Jacques Strapp?"
Meanwhile, all Diamond Dust Employees answered their Scrolls that suddenly rang and listened to the so-called conference call.
"Who calls for a Jacques Strapp?!" Jacques exclaimed. "We have no one here under that name."
"Funny, the list of employers says there is a Jacques Strapp listed here." The caller replied.
"Where?...There is a name like that here! Where is this employee? Where is Jacques Strapp?!"
"Sounds like I found him!" The caller laughed, causing everyone else who was listening to begin laughing.
"HAHAHAHAH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"Wait a minute, this is a false identity! How dare you trick me like that-"
RING-RING-RING!
"Hello?" The bartender answered the call.
"Is this the tavern in Menagerie called the 'Zoo'?"
"Yup."
"I'm looking for Mya, last name Normousbutt."
"I'll check. Has anyone here seen Mya Normousbutt?"
"HAHAHAHAH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"What's so fun…Hey, wait a minute!"
"Students, we have missing student here!" Leonardo Lionheart called out, holding up his Scroll that was flashing the alert app. "I hereby call for Oliver Klosoff!"
The entire student assembly stared at Lionheart with wide eyes and as if he had grown a second head.
Then came the sound of someone unzipping their pants.
"Mercury, what the hell are you doing?!"
"You heard 'em, Em. He's the headmaster. We pretty much have to do what he says."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"
"Bea O'Problem! Do we have a Bea 'Problem? I got challenged by a Bea O'Problem!" Headmaster Theodore called out in the middle of the staff room of Shade Academy. "Hey, do I have a Bea O'Problem or not?"
"You sure do!" One of the professors said, causing everyone else to laugh.
"Honestly, how could you fall for that?" Xanthe Rumple sighed.
"…" Theodore blinked…and then it clicked. "Oh, I get it now!...Hey, wait a minute!"
"Let me get this straight, you are calling for a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie?" Taiyang Xiao Long asked, answering a call on his Scroll.
…
…
…
"Yeah, let me stop you there, pal. I grew up on a team with two of the biggest hellraisers on Remnant and I tricked one of them into wearing a skirt, thinking it was a kilt on their first day. Nice try, pal. There's probably someone out there gullible enough to fall for something like that…Oh and Happy Spring Solstice." Tai said before hanging up. "Wow, it's like they're not even trying anymore. Ollie Tobooger, you'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool someone with that old trick."
"Through all of this week, the four Kingdoms of Remnant were rocked as an anonymous kept making seemingly calls and asking for ridiculous names and making even more ridiculous demands." Lisa Lavender began today's major news report. "The calls were seemingly at random, ranging form bars and Huntsmen to even the Atlas Military."
"What are you two doing?!" Corvine shouted as the two guards at the guard were…dancing with no clothes on.
"Orders from General Ironwood, Commander. We are to dance with clothes on!" Both replied, still dancing.
Thankfully, their private areas were left blurred as the recording continued.
"This is crazy! Who calls out of nowhere and asks for a Seymour Butts!?" Another bartender shouted, his customers laughing behind him.
"HAHAHAHAH!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"I swear, I thought my superior was asking for a Mike Rotch!" Marrow, now sporting a black eye complained.
"I was in the middle of a mission when out of nowhere my Scroll gets hacked and I'm asking for Moe Ron."
"I was asked for a Homer Sexual…Who the hell would allow themselves to be named that?! If that were me I would have killed the one who gave a horrible name like before offing myself!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Roman threw his head back and laughed at the news. "Wow, I knew there a lot of idiots out there but I never actually through they were this stupid."
Then again, he had conned a lot of people who might fall for these kinds of jokes.
"Given that this anonymous prankster had been able to hack into the Atlas Military, even impersonating General Ironwood himself, we have been told that best minds of Atlas are at work at tracking this mysterious caller and bring him to justice."
"Oh, this will be good. I get the feeling that this idiot will get the chair if the good general gets his hand on him." Roman snickered.
"I just received word that they have traced the caller." Lisa perked up.
"Oh, this will be good." Roman leaned forward.
A map appeared on the television image and showed a map of Vale.
"We can now confirm they are located in Vale." Lisa informed. "And the address is…"
A red dot appeared on the building with the floor and room number displayed for all to see…
Including Roman who just spat out his drink. "WHAT?! That's my address! And that's my Scroll number!"
BANG-BANG-BANG!
Roman blinked when he heard something banging against his door, followed by voices.
"Roman Torchwick! Come out with your hands up!" A voice shouted before the door was knocked down.
"Ladies, we got to go!" Roman shouted, just as his own shadow grew and he sank into it.
Turns out it was just in time as Atlas soldiers swarmed Roman's apartment.
"We have now confirmation the mysterious was none other than Vale crime lord: Roman Torchwick." Lisa began, an image of Roman appearing next to her head. "This one-time criminal who became so feared throughout Vale's underworld-"
"One-time?!" Roman barked, throwing a glass bottle at the holographic screen. "I'm the best criminal in all of Remnant! This will ruin my reputation as the perfect gentleman criminal!"
"It's not like you were ever the perfect gentleman to begin with. Gentlemen keep their word, you don't." Rikku pointed out.
"Well of course I never keep my word! It's the point of the criminal part of my persona!" Roman spun around, seeing the Gullwings as they continued to watch the news report. "I would never stoop this low to taunting suckers with such uncouth pranks."
"So obviously someone used a copy of your Scroll number and used it to set you up." Paine suggested. "Pretty much having you take the fall for everything."
"But who would…" Roman's eyes widened and then narrowed. "That…BASTARD!"
"Who is it?" Yuna asked.
"DiZ, the red mummy freakshow!" Roman pulled out his extra Scroll and hit speed dial.
"You have his number on speed dial?" Paine raised an eyebrow.
"Listen, you red bandaged freak, when I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!" Roman shouted into his Scroll.
"Sorry, Roman but I wasn't the one who made those calls, but I did hire them." DiZ replied through the speakers.
"Why the hell would you hire someone to prank call everyone on Remnant?!" Roman shouted.
"I wanted to gauge the collective wisdom of its people, especially the top people." DiZ answered honestly. "Don't worry, I'll make sure that you are cleared of the prank calls. To be honest, I thought the best minds in Atlas would realize the caller was using a cloned number."
"Well, now you know better!" Roman barked. "Oh, this is just another little detail added to my list of reasons of why I should kill you!"
"Coming from the man who makes problems daily for the people of Remnant, I'm not really feeling particularly remorseful, especially when you scream in my ear about how badly you want to kill me." DiZ retorted.
"Oh, well we'll see how you feel next time I see that ugly bandaged face of yours and maybe you'll feel sorry then!" Roman retorted.
"Unlikely. Besides, we both know you always have an escape plan and have plenty of safe houses in Vale. You're much safer than you believe." DiZ gave the impression he was rolling his eye. "Besides, this just gives the people of Vale a little break from your hijinks."
"Hijinks?!" Roman's face turned red. "You did not just call all my grand plans mere hijinks?!"
"I believe this call is over. Oh, and happy Spring Solstice."
"Oh, don't you hang up on me! I'm not done threatening you!" Roman shouted even after he heard the dial tone.
"So," Yuna looked at her sisters. "Want to go out for ice cream?"
The three nodded and followed Yuna out of the safe house, leaving Roman to scream into his Scroll even after DiZ had hung up and refused to answer the second call.
Secret Report:
It seems that the results are less than I had hoped. The majority of people who received calls from my associate fell easily for the pranks, even if it convinced General Ironwood to become slightly more vigilant in managing the CCT. Still, there are few who saw through it and I learned one important detail:
Glynda Goodwitch does indeed have a sense of humor.
"You preformed perfectly and as promised, all the listed items have been delivered to your home."
"Thank you, my good sir. I got to admit, I have no clue on who these people you asked me to call are but they are gullible as the bartender I usually call. Only a few caught on. "Only a few caught on"
"Yes, well your part in this is done. Thank you, Bart."
Bart Simpson hung up and looked at the box filled with pranking equipment and rubbed his hands and chuckled darkly. "Oh yeah, we're staying up past my bedtime and seeing what every little trinket does."