Chapter 19

NARRATOR | Ansel Voltaire, District 7

"I should never have made that deal," Safira groans, splaying out across the foot of my bed. "I mean, we barely know Verity, but what else was I supposed to do?"

Our whole group has gathered in my room - excluding Verity, of course - to talk about the Training Scores. Violet's been notably absent from the District Seven suite since the scores were announced, so I'm assuming she's doing the same with her own group.

"Listen, we all agreed it was a good idea," Ashlyn tells Safira. She's sitting in the large, comfy chair in the corner of my room; Eddie is sitting on the bed next to me.

"It could be good to have someone smart on our team," Ashlyn continues with a shrug. "Not that we aren't smart, but Verity's a genius, apparently."

I nod - she must be, considering her high training score. After sitting around and doing nothing for three days, how did Verity manage a score of nine?

"We need every advantage we can get," I add. "Especially over everyone else. If she wasn't with us, she'd be with Violet."

"I guess," Safira mutters. "I just don't know if we can trust her."

"She doesn't have much of a choice," Eddie says quietly from next to me. "She's made it clear now that she's aligned with us, and she'll make it even more obvious tomorrow in her interview. Once that's done, there's no going back."

Safira nods, deep in thought. "A score of nine..." she mutters. "How did she manage that?"

"Well, Evelyn got an eight, so clearly anything is possible," Ashlyn says, rolling her eyes a bit. She's told us that she's happy with her Training Score - she got a 7 - but she scored the lowest out of the four of us. At least we all scored higher than Lucas and Declan, but it seems like Evelyn's score is grating at Ashlyn a bit.

"Do you think Violet really deserved an eleven?" Safira asks, sitting up to face Eddie and me. "I guess I never really watched her in training, but that shocked me a bit. I mean, usually only the kids from Two do that well."

"She's been training for this just like you guys have," I point out. "But I do find it surprising. You should've seen the look on her face when they announced it."

"I mean, it's obvious what they're doing," Ashlyn says, braiding a part of her hair as she speaks. "Violet is out for blood, and she's started this rivalry with Safira. She obviously wanted to do better than Safira - that would give her more sponsors and prove that she's the stronger competitor."

"But by giving them the same score, Thorntree doesn't answer the question of who is stronger," I agree. "And so the rivalry continues. Sponsors come in for both sides, and the Gamemakers benefit from that. The Capitol probably loves all of it."

"Well, it doesn't matter," Safira cuts in. "I know I'm stronger than her, so it's irrelevant. The only thing that matters is who wins the Games, and it won't be her. I'll make sure of it."

All of us are quiet after that, thinking our own individual thoughts. Safira's words are a harsh reminder of our situation: the only thing that matters is who wins the Games. When all of this is over, at least three of us will be dead, and there's nothing we can do to change our fates. All of this drama between Violet and Safira is some form of shallow entertainment for the Capitol, but it's the reality that we are all living in, and our lives are at stake.

Safira breaks the silence a few minutes later, standing from the bed. "I need to head back down," she says with a weary smile. "I have to be rested for the interviews. You all should get some sleep, too."

"Agreed," Ashlyn says with a yawn, standing from her seat. "E, you coming?"

"Don't call me that," Eddie bites, crossing his arms over his chest. I glance over at my friend, surprised by his attitude. Eddie's already told Ashlyn that he doesn't like his nickname, but he's never snapped at her like that.

Eddie catches my gaze and sighs, the ice in his gaze melting away a bit. "I'll be up in a minute," he says to Ashlyn. "I'll meet you up there."

Ashlyn gives me a glance before shrugging and following Safira out of the room.

"Are you okay?" I ask, turning to face Eddie after the girls leave the room. "What was that all about?"

"I'm fine," Eddie mutters, his eyes pointed at the door. "I shouldn't be like this, I know. Our scores were awesome. I'm fine."

"You don't have to be fine," I push. "We might be dead in a week, Eddie. I don't think any of us are fine."

I study Eddie's face as I wait for him to continue; he looks exhausted.

"Tiller's been pissing me off," Eddie admits after a little while, referring to his mentor. "He wants me to play stupid in my interview tomorrow. He says that the Capitol likes to see us as simple characters, and the best thing for me to do is to play on brute strength. We already have smart people on our team, so I have to be dumb because I'm the strongest. I just want to be me, man. I don't know why all of this is getting so complicated."

I exhale, looking away from Eddie. He's just reminding me of all the stress I've pushed down and ignored this afternoon. Tomorrow, we'll be interviewed on a stage in front of the entire nation. Everything will be live, and we only have one chance to make it count. How we come across in our interviews tomorrow could decide our fate in the Games.

"Tiller knows what he's doing," I say honestly. Just like Lila, I know that Tiller has experience with these things. He was the Victor of the first Games after I was born, so he's been doing this as long as I've been alive. "If that's what you need to do to help us in the Games, I think you might have to, E."

"Eddie," my ally corrects, his nostrils flaring as he turns to glance at me. I don't know why he hates his nickname so much, but I can't help but play around with him a bit.

"Ed," I push back, and Eddie gives his approval with a nod. "It doesn't matter what the Capitol thinks. They can think you're dumb if that's what they need to hear. They can think I'm a traitor, too, because I know Violet's going to paint me as one. I know you're way smarter than people want to give you credit for, but that doesn't matter to these people. All of this is just one big show, and the only way we have a chance is to show them what they want to see."

"I know," Eddie says, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. "I know that I have to do what Tiller says. I want to speak from the heart, though. I might not survive the Games, and this is my one chance to say something to the whole country. I'm going to be remembered for this, and I don't want to play a character if I'm just gonna die in the end. I don't want to be remembered as something I'm not."

I just nod, thinking over Eddie's words. My ally has me rethinking everything - do I really want to be remembered and forgotten as a shallow character if I'm killed in the Games?

"I've been through a lot, and I want to show that I made it through all of that," Eddie says, his eyes shimmering in the dim light of the room. "My whole life, everyone made fun of me because of how girly I was, and now I'm one of the strongest tributes here. None of the bullying mattered because I used it to become stronger, and I want to show that. I want to be remembered for that."

It hurts my heart to hear about Eddie's past. Ashlyn hinted about it before, but this is the first time Eddie's talked about it. I've never had a friend quite like Eddie, but I'm so grateful that we met on that day in Training. He's taught me so much in such a short period of time.

"I just want to prove everyone wrong," Eddie whispers.

"You can, Ed," I encourage him. "You already have. To me, at least. If that means anything to you."

Eddie turns to face me; his eyes are glistening, but his face is devoid of emotion.

"Thanks, Ansel," he says with a small smile.

Eddie moves so slowly that I don't realize he's getting closer until too late. His face - I guess those are his lips - grazes against mine, and all I can do is sit across from him, completely paralyzed. After a moment, I finally regain my bearings, pulling my face away from Eddie. The only sound I can hear is the clock ticking in the corner; the air between us is so fragile that I'm almost afraid to breathe.

I stare at my friend, expecting to see a change of expression that matches mine. Shock, maybe, or disgust. Instead, all I see is exhaustion. Eddie looks like a corpse.

"I think we should get some sleep," I push out, and it feels like I'm dragging a boulder out of my mouth with every word. "Big day tomorrow."

Eddie closes his eyes, exhaling before standing from the bed. He silently slips across the room, opening the door and stepping outside.

"Ansel?" he calls, pulling my attention back to him before he leaves.

"Don't hold this against me, please," he mumbles. Only now do I see the tears spilling down his face. "We've come too far to lose each other now."

My mind is still scrambled from everything that's just happened - is Eddie saying that he did that on purpose? And if he did, then what does that mean for the future of our alliance?

I manage to push a smile through my confusion. If there's one thing I know, it's that I can't let Eddie go. "I don't know what you're talking about," I assure him with a wink.

Eddie clicks the door shut, and my world collapses around me. What just happened, and what is going on with Eddie?

My mind is tied in so many knots that I feel like the only solution is to snap the cord and completely reset. That never happened. Eddie was so tired that he let his head drop, and I was just in the way. Right?

Eddie's apology still nags at the back of my mind, and I want to cut the memory out of my head with a knife. Don't hold this against me, please... Don't hold what against him?

Eddie must be delirious right now; that must be it. He just wanted to make sure that I didn't misinterpret whatever just happened between us. It was an accident, and it's over now. I don't hold it against him, and I know he'll forget about it just like I will.

I sigh as I sink beneath my covers. This is the last thing we need right now, for a rift to form between Eddie and the rest of us. Especially with Verity in our midst, we need to stay stronger than ever, but I can feel Eddie spiraling out of control, and I'm worried that he could implode as the Games rapidly approach.

For all of our sakes, whatever just happened needs to be left in the past.

A/N - A bit of a mood shift in this chapter! I really tried my best to treat the subject of Eddie's sexuality as delicately as possible - he is struggling with his identity even as he's preparing for what might be the last few days of his life. He's trying to mask it as much as possible, because being gay isn't accepted in District 11 and he would bring shame to his family, but in a moment of weakness and exhaustion he can't hold that part of himself back anymore. I hope that point came across in the chapter :)

Also, for anyone who is skipping through or missed it originally - Eddie hates being called 'E' (especially by Ansel) because that's what he is called by Elijah, the boy he had romantic relations with back in Eleven. We meet Elijah in Ch. 2, so just a little throwback!

~S