Chapter seventeen- Compass
Here we are baby,
I knew you'd save me,
From all that I was running from,
You'll be my compass,
And I'll be your light,
And I'll hold your hand for the rest of my life,
So please don't let me go,
Oh, how I love you so...
The days flew by oh I'll never forget,
Saying I do, one I won't forget,
The start of our dreams coming true,
Here to us to baby,
It's all because of you,
And you Pulled me in One last time,
Oh...
Surgery day-
Three days later- June 26th
As much as Jo and Chris tried to keep the news of Chris' second surgery quiet, and oh boy, did they try, it still didn't stop Jo's intern class and the attendings Jo worked with closely from finding out about the surgery. In typical fashion they gathered around Jo to offer her support, but most, not all, refrained form getting too close.
Jo sat by Chris's bedside as Heather prepped him for the long surgery ahead.
"How are you feeling Chris?" Heather asks. It was a routine question doctors used to gauge the amount of support patients might need in the immediate time before surgery.
"Scared, nervous, anxious…. I don't know how many other words there are to describe that feeling, but if it exists then I guarantee I'm feeling it," Chris responds.
"You're in the best hands," Heather responds as Amelia, Derek and an orderly round the corner to Chris's prep area.
"He's all ready to go," Heather responds.
Amelia nods her head, "Let's get going then."
The orderly moves to the back of Chris bed and unlocks the wheels. Jo stands up and holds Chris's hand and walks with him until they reach the restricted area. "Alright Jo, this is as far as you can go," Amelia says gently.
Jo nods her hand and gently kisses Chris on the lips, "Don't party too hard without me," she chuckles.
"You know how much I love you, right?" Chris questions.
"Of course I do baby, and the kids know too. If it wasn't evident earlier," She chuckles as she recalls the time Chris had spend with the kids that morning.
"You are the best person to ever happen to me, and the kids are the best thing that anybody could of ever given me and I'm so, so glad that it was you. Because I couldn't imagine life with anybody else and I'm so grateful for that," Chris begins.
"Chris, stop, please," Jo orders, "you are talking to be like you will never see me again and I'm not doing that. I love you and I will see you when you come out of surgery."
"We don't know that," Chris trails.
"The kids need you, I need you," Jo says firmly, "especially with the baby on the way," she adds quietly. Nobody yet knew that Jo was pregnant, and they planned on keeping it that way until she was at least 12 weeks.
"Sorry Jo, but we've got to get going," Derek interrupts.
Jo nods her head and gives a slight smile. She gives Chris one more kiss before stepping back. She watches on as they all continue into the restricted area of the hospital and wait for a lift to arrive to take them down to the OR. Once they reach the OR floor Chris gets wheeled into another prep area to await surgery.
"Exactly how dangerous is this surgery?" Chris questions as the wheel breaks get put on.
"All surgery comes with risks, especially brain surgery..." Amelia begins.
Chris interrupts, "I don't need to know general risks associated with surgery. I need to know what the risks are in this surgery? What are the chances that I won't make it?"
Amelia looks over at Derek briefly before answering the question. "There's a 50% chance you won't make it," Amelia begins. Chris sighs deeply and nods his head. Amelia continues, "In addition to that there's an extraordinary chance that there will be complications that effect your ability to live the life you're living now."
"If I stop breathing while you're operating I don't want you to bring me back," Chris begins.
"Chris..." Amelia trails.
"I know what you're going to say. You're going to try and convince me otherwise, but I've thought about this... a lot. I watched Jo go the through pain and agony last time and I can't watch it again... if I was revived after being oxygen deprived then I might not be able to walk, talk, breathe on my own or even remember them again. It hurts me to know all that she went through. She was so hurt and so broken, she cried rivers of tears beside my bed and I won't let that happen again. She doesn't deserve to walk through all of that pain again and nor do the kids. They deserve to be able to move on and to live," he explains bravely.
Amelia sighs, "Okay. I'll bring a DNR around for you."
"One more thing… for both of you," Chris requests. Amelia and Derek nod their head, "Jo can't know. I don't want her to worry." Amelia simply nods her head and leaves. While both were uncomfortable with the notion that Jo wasn't to know about the DNR, they were respectful of Chris' choice and couldn't violate HIPPA regulations.
Scene break
"I don't know how much longer I can wait. It's been too long since I was updated last," Jo panics. She stands up and begins to pace back and forth around the room. Waiting with her were her in laws, Alice and Nathan, Adam, Chris brother along with Alex and Arizona. Steph and Leah had been waiting with her too, but had been paged to assist Yang and Webber with surgery. Lucy, Chris' sister, was unable to attend the surgery but was being kept up to date via phone.
"Jo darling, breath," Alice instructs.
"I'll call down to the OR for you Jo, okay?" Alex states.
Jo nods her head, "okay."
"Go and sit down and I'll be over in a minute," Alex orders.
Jo walks over and sits next to Alice who soon began to stroke her back. Alex steps over to a quiet spot away from prying ears and used a wall phone to dial down to OR 4 and discovered that Amelia and Derek where on their way back from surgery. The surgery couldn't have been over by now, so he knew that the news they were going to deliver wasn't going to be good news at all.
The waiting area was eerily quiet as Amelia and Derek made their way over to the family. It didn't take Jo long to notice the surgeons walking towards her and she promptly stood up, along with Alice and Nathan.
"Jo, Nathan, Alice, please, have a seat," Derek requests as he gestures over to the seats they had just been sitting on.
"Oh god, I know that look. I've seen that look, I've used that look before. It... it's the death look. What the hell is going on?" She demands.
"Have a seat, please," Derek responds again. Alice and Nathan follow the instruction, But Jo remains standing.
"No, no I don't want to take a seat. Somebody please, just tell me what is going on," Jo demands.
"Chris lost a lot of blood during the surgery. We weren't able to control it and he stoped breathing. Chris Died during surgery, We are so sorry," Derek informs them.
Alice and Nathan instantly begin sobbing and fall into each other and Alex and Arizona rush over to Jo, who they were certain was going to collapse any moment. They lead her over to the closest chair and help her sit down. Arizona sits next to her while Alex continues to stand.
"No, No, you missed out the part where you tell me that you did everything you could to revive him but despite your best efforts you couldn't," Jo responds lifelessly.
"Jo…." Amelia begins.
"You did do everything you could, right?" She begs.
"Jo, I know that this is a bad time, but we need to ask…." Derek begins, "we need your permission to proceed with Chris' organ donation request."
"We were happy," Jo states lifelessly as she continues to look ahead, "We were just on our honeymoon, it was all behind us."
Everyone looks at Jo with sympathy and eyes filled with concern. Of course they knew that everybody responded to grief differently, but they certainly weren't expecting this emotionless reaction from her.
Derek speaks up, "Jo I need you to look at me, we need your permission in order to go ahead. There's not a lot of time for the organ donation."
"I don't understand," She states.
Derek sighs, "I know that's its not fair what where asking you right now, but It's what Christopher wanted."
Jo's breaths begin to get deeper and deeper. "No, No, we were happy," Jo begins as she starts to hyperventilate, "We were just on our honeymoon. We're having a baby. He can't be gone, I can't do it alone," she cries.
Arizona places her hands on Jo's back and begin to rub it, "Just breathe Jo, breathe."