Chapter eighteen- Ten days
it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home…
-Ten days, Missy Higgins
Ten days later- 5th of July
Jo's head pounds and her stomach churns as she slowly walks out of the bathroom and turns out the light. She looks around her and Chris' bedroom and sighs. It looked so much smaller without him in it, she walks over to her bed and sits down beside the nightstand and looks at everything on top of it.
Jo hears Alex walk over to her. He'd been sleeping on the couch every night since Alex had passed and had been somewhat of an unexpected rock for her. He helped with the kids and was Jo's shoulder to cry on when she poured her heart out every night.
"Are you alright?" Alex asks Jo. He could hear her throwing up while she had been changing into her dress for the funeral.
Jo tilts her head and gives him a lifeless look, "right, morning sickness. Bad question," he responds.
"I don't know what jewellery to wear. I just want to look perfect for him. It's stupid, I know," Jo mulls.
Alex sits down next to Jo and puts a hand on her shoulder, "I don't know what you're going through, and I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like, because I don't. But I don't think that it's stupid to want everything to be prefect." Alex takes a look at the jewellery she had places on the nightstand, "I think you should wear your cross necklace, it's goes well with the earrings you've got one."
Jo nods her head and Alex picks up the necklace and places it on for her. Jo fixes it up so that it sat in the middle of her neck. Jo looks over to her pillow and picks up the pile of photos she had been looking at that morning.
"I miss him. I miss him so much. We've been through so much and we were supposed to get through this too. We had so much to look forward too," Jo sighs. She places the photos down and puts her hand on her stomach, "And this little baby isn't going to know her dad, Grace won't remember and Theo's so young he won't remember much…. Just fragments," Jo sighs.
"We better get going or we'll be late. We're picking up Meredith, Steph and Arizona on the way," Alex replies.
"Where are the kids?" Jo asks.
"Callie has Grace and Theo, she picked them up an hour ago. She'll bring them," Alex reminds her.
"Right," Jo says with a slight nod of the head, "I forgot."
Scene break
At a nearby service station
"I think we took a wrong turn," Alex states as they pull up at a local service station.
"We needed petrol, and so we're here," Jo replies blankly.
"Karev, you should have filled up before we left," Meredith replies as the car comes to a stop at the pump.
"We stoped here on the way to our honeymoon and we had the best pretzels. We joked about how we'd get them all the time in the future. We didn't take a wrong turn, it was intentional… I told the GPS to take us here," Jo states.
She heads into the shop to buy the pretzels while Alex fills up the car with petrol. Once he pays for the fuel Alex heads back to the car and sits inside. Jo passes out the five pretzels she had brought, "here. Eat," Jo instructs.
"Ahh, I'm not really hungry Jo," Meredith replies.
"I said eat," she responds harshly.
Everyone nods their heads quickly and grab a donut from Jo, "right, lets get going," Karev says as he takes the hand brake off the car.
20 minutes later the group found themselves pulled over on the side of the road where Jo was throwing up beside the car.
"Poor thing, she's so out of sorts right now. She's been throwing up this morning too. Must be all of the stress," Alex says.
"And the morning sickness," Meredith adds.
"I wish I could take all of this away from her. I wish that she didn't have to go through it," Arizona sighs.
"She's feeling a lot of big feelings right now. She just needs to feel them all," Meredith replies.
10 minutes later Jo sits back into the car and they keep going until they reach the church of Chris' funeral.
"I don't think I can do this," Jo says as she stares out of the front of the car.
Steph puts her hand on Jo's shoulder, "Jo..." she begins.
"I don't want to do this," Jo interrupts. "Chris, he was my husband... my soulmate. I shouldn't be doing this."
"I know how hard is is to bury a loved one Jo, I do. When my brother died I was a mess. I didn't want to burry him, on what world was that okay? He such a important part in my world. He was one of my biggest supporters. When they lowered his casket I felt shattered, my heart broke even more. But in time it brought closure and if I missed his funeral I may never of felt that, and I needed to feel that," Arizona explains.
"I fell like all I have are memories. I'm scared that once I lower him into the ground they'll be gone... or they'll fade and In time I won't remember anymore. I know that I have the kids, and that he's in them somewhere. But this baby won't know it's dad, Grace won't remember and Theo will only recall fragments, if anything at all. How am I supposed to keep him alive for them and me?"
"You just will. Photos, videos, memories, they all mean something. And you don't forget the things that mean the most to you, you'll always remember," Arizona advises. "I still remember all of the times my brother would sneak me in some ice cream when I was five when I had a rough day at school and needed some loving."
"Arizona right," Meredith begins, "you're not going to forget him. You will never forget him. Memories and photos, they live on forever. And he'll always be in your heart. You just need to hold on to what you have Jo and you need to hold on tight. You need to trust that you can survive this, I know what you're feeling, and it does get better. And no matter what don't let go. Just don't let go Jo," Meredith replies as Jo sobs.
Scene break
At the funeral
Jo sits in the front row of the funeral service. Sitting next to her were Chris' family, and some of her closest supports from the hospital. Jo held on to Grace tightly while Alice sat with Theo on her lap. At the funeral were several of Chris' fellow teachers from Connecticut High, some of his most promising High school students, friends from high school, his mates from his high school football team and his and Jo's university friends. Most were people that the pair hadn't spoken too, let alone seen in years, and it was depressing to know that it had to take a loss like this to unite everyone.
Jo decided to keep her eyes and attention fixated to the podium and microphone. She couldn't bare to look around at everyone and feel the pity from everybody radiating over to her, for sure she would suffocate.
Next to the podium and microphone was the casket with white flowers sitting on top, a sight that Jo tried her best not to look at. It was a few moments later the the minister walked over to the podium to begin the service.
"Family, Friends..." the minister begins. "We gather here today to honour and respect Christopher Scott Wilson, a beloved husband, father and teacher. Christopher leaves behind his wife of 8 years, Josephine his two children Theo and Grace and unborn baby. Today is a day filled with sadness and grief, but also a day of happiness, joy and laughter as we recall the happy times that Chris spent with us..."
Scene break
Jo stands at the podium. Her hands were shaking and her lips visually trembling. Her eyes were red and welled up in tears. Sitting in from of her was the speech she wrote. Jo looks over at her kids. She couldn't help but see how innocent they looked... they have no idea what's going on and no idea that they'll never see their father again.
Jo takes a shaky breath in and out, "The first time I met Chris I had just turned 16 years old and was living out of my car. My car was being towed and he payed my parking fines so that it wouldn't be towed and I'd still have a place to call home. I felt spark ignite inside of by heart," Jo sobs, "he stood by our relationship, even when it wasn't easy and he made me take chances and trust. He somehow always managed to make me smile... even when I didn't want to," she continues to sob, "but I didn't love him because he could make me laugh and smile or because he was smart and the kindest man I'd ever met, I loved him because he was my best friend. And although our love wasn't always easy, it's always felt right. And I am grateful for every moment we shared and for the privilege of loving him. Because I never knew I could love someone so much and I never knew that I could be loved so much by anybody... he helped me feel worthy of love."
The hearts of those watching Jo speak we're breaking, particularly those of the people who had grown close to her over the past months throughout her surgical residency. They couldn't bear to see Jo is this much pain, but knew that her feeling all of these big feelings was going to help her in the long run.
Scene break
Jo sits on the three seater Lounge set that was in her living room. Surrounding her were what felt like hundreds of people, when in reality there wasn't. She just sits, watching every body interact with each other and continue on like nothing happened. Steph and April had gone to put the kids down girls down for a nap, so, for the first time during the gathering, and was alone, even if it was only for a split second.
Arizona walks over to Jo and sits down. Arizona goes to open her mouth, however Jo interrupts her before she had a chance to speak. "Don't you dare ask me how I'm feeling. If one more person asks me how I'm feeling I'm going to loose it!"
"I was going to..." Arizona begins.
Jo once again cuts Arizona off, "and don't you say that you're sorry for my loss. I've heard that over and over and over again and I can't take it! 'Sorry for my loss' doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. It doesn't take pain away from my loss!"
Arizona looks at Jo in the eyes, "I was going to say that I'm here. When you can't climb away, I'm here. When you need to talk, I'm here. When you can't rise above, I'm here. When you need to yell and scream at the top of your lungs, I'm here. I am here."
Jo nods her head and smiles softly, "thank you."
"It was a beautiful ceremony, and this is a beautiful reception," Jack, one of Chris' old high school football team members say as he walks over to Jo. He sits down next to her, on the opposite side of Arizona.
"I didn't plan it you know? The funeral home did. All I did was pick out the colour flowers. If I planned it it wouldn't be like this. This right here; it's all to happy for me at the moment," Jo replies bluntly.
"I was just commenting on how lovely the ceremony was. You don't need to snap at me," Jack replies
"Look, I'm struggling here, okay. This... This isn't a normal thing to be attending for your husband," Jo says before getting up and walking away.
"Jo! Jo!" Arizona calls out as she chases after Jo.
Jo heads up to the upstairs bathroom. She locks the door and sits on the floor. She begins to let the tears fall from here eyes.
"Jo! Jo?" Arizona questions as she hears sobbing coming from the bathroom.
"I can't do it Arizona, I just can't. I can't be down there with them all," Jo sobs. "They're too happy. This isn't a happy time."
"Jo..." Arizona trails.
"Please Arizona, please, just get rid of them all," Jo begs.
"Okay, okay... I'll tell them all to go home," Arizona replies.