"We got this, Momma," Abel exclaims with conviction in his voice and reaches for his little brother's hand, tugging him along. "Come on, Tommy, it's bath time."
Neither Jax nor Tara can hold back the chuckle as they watch their two naked boys disappear down the hall and into the bathroom.
Just when Jax is about to turn and follow them, Tara speaks up. "I still use the sensitive skin stuff for Thomas, so -"
"Relax." Jax interrupts her before she can finish her sentence. "Like Abel said, we got this. You just ... go read a book or ... something, while I get these little monsters ready for bed."
"Okay," Tara says, folding her arms in front of herself, unsure of what to do without the nightly task.
Relax? Tara shakes her head to herself. She couldn't relax even if she tried, at least not with a million different thoughts running through her mind. Jax's presence evokes so many feelings in her, and the inner turmoil she is going through won't let her find any rest.
So instead she tries to busy herself. Picking up the kids' discarded clothes, putting away the leftover pizza, loading the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, wiping down the table and the chairs that are smeared with pizza sauce, the kitchen counter, ... she even sweeps and mops the kitchen floor. None of those things stop her mind from working overtime though, but that doesn't stop her from trying.
Next Tara steps into the living room and begins picking up the kids' toys that are scattered around the floor. She is folding up the blanket they had all huddled under while watching Toy Story earlier, when a loud screech followed by hearty laughter from Jax and both the boys catch her attention. She tosses the folded-up blanket onto the armchair, before curiosity gets the better of her and she heads in the direction of the joyful noises.
She stops short right outside the ajar bathroom door and leans against the doorframe, listening in on the fun they seem to be having inside.
This, she loves. This, she misses more than she'd like to admit. The sound of Abel and Thomas laughing and playing with their father, ... could there be anything more beautiful, anything more special?
The move and transition up here hadn't been easy on them. The boys missed Margaret and her husband, the friends they'd made in daycare at St. Thomas even. But most of all the boys have missed Jax, so much, and hearing the joy in her sons' voices now is reason enough for her to come to terms with their father's unexpected arrival.
Without letting her presence be known, she remains leaning against the bathroom door frame and continues to listen in on Jax's conversation with his sons. It is so similar to the phone conversations they've had, talking about everything under the moon, except it is face-to-face, and that fact makes all three of them sound so happy. The delight in both her boys' voices as they interact with Jax could truly melt the coldest of hearts. She's sure of it, because it is melting hers after all.
She can feel tears well up in her eyes again, and she raises her hands to cover her mouth to keep herself from sobbing out loud and drawing attention to herself. This is what it could've been like if things had been different. This could've been their life if they had gotten out much sooner, before the lies and betrayals, the fake dead baby and the cheating, ... before all the heinous things they have done to each other.
But the damage is done and now it is too late for them. Isn't it?
Another round of giggles echoes through the small bathroom and catches her attention once more. She swallows the lump in her throat away, wipes the tears from her eyes, and decides that she'll enjoy this small family reunion and make the best of it while she can. So she puts on a brave face, takes in a deep breath, and pushes the door open further.
"What's so funny in here?" She asks as she steps inside, carefully stepping around Jax who's kneeling in front of the bathtub, avoiding his eyes at all costs out of fear the tears might return. Instead, she sits down on the closed toilet lid and leans toward the tub, her attention on the still giggling boys alone.
"Isn't the water cold by now?" She asks before submerging her fingers into the soapy suds to check for herself. "I think it might be time to get out, you already look like tiny little prunes."
Abel laughs. "I'm not a prune." He smacks a bubble so hard with his flattened palm that water goes flying in every direction.
His big brother's antics make Thomas laugh out loud, and both Jax and Tara smirk, but know better than to encourage it.
"Hey, little man, I already told you once, if you flood the bathroom you're gonna have to dry it all up, and you'll miss the bedtime story." He tries to sound serious, yet his voice can't hide the lighthearted tone he's had with both the boys since he arrived earlier.
Jax reaches inside the soapy water himself and adds. "And your Mom's right, the water's cold, so it's time to get out and get ready for bed."
"Noooooooooooo." Protests Abel and even little Thomas shakes his head no before adding. "No, don't wanna go to bed."
"It's way past your bedtime already." Tara smiles at him and grabs his Spiderman towel, spreading it open, and without saying a word Jax picks Thomas up and holds him with outstretched arms over the tub to keep from getting the floor any wetter than it already is.
Tara wraps his towel around him, before taking her youngest son completely into her arms. She quickly gets Thomas dried up and changed for bed, while Jax helps Abel to get ready.
"I want Dad to read to us," Abel says, demanding further attention from his father.
"Sure," Jax answers, but then shoots a look at Tara. "If it's okay with your Mom?"
"Of course," Tara answers, nodding her head.
Jax kneels down in front of the boys' bookcase alongside his sons and tries to find a book that both Thomas and Abel can agree on. Tara finds herself watching from the sidelines once more, and she simply can't help but wonder just for the tiniest of moments if it would truly be the worst thing in the world to give him another chance after all.
But just as that small speckle of hope for them flits through her mind and heart, Jax stands and walks over to the bed with his sons. Not wanting to get Abel's bed wet, he peels off the wet white t-shirt he's been wearing, and instantaneously Tara is brought back to the harsh reality she's momentarily tried to suppress, when the reaper on his back seems to mock her from across the room. And for the second time tonight, she swallows the lump in her throat, holding back the tears, before she closes the kids' room door and walks away.
X
Jax carefully carries Thomas to his toddler bed, trying his best not to wake the sleeping child in his arms.
"Daddy?" Abel speaks up from the other side of the room, but Jax raises a finger to his lips, wordlessly signaling the older boy to not wake his younger sibling.
After Thomas is securely tucked in, Jax turns his attention back to Abel who has patiently waited. He pulls the blanket up to Abel's chest before brushing his fingers through the boy's short hair one more time, and leans in to whisper. "Sleep tight." Placing a soft kiss against Abel's forehead, he adds. "Don't let the bed bugs bite."
"Will you be here when I wake up?" Abel whispers back as Jax reaches for his discarded t-shirt.
He pauses, clutching the garment in his hands for a moment, unsure how to respond at first, but after thinking about it he decides to go with the simplest version of the truth. "Your Mom and I haven't really talked about that yet, but even if I'm not staying the night, I promise you I won't be far, and I'll come by again tomorrow to see you and your brother, okay?"
"Okay," Abel replies, seeming content with his father's answer as he closes his eyes and rolls onto his side to get more comfortable, before he whispers at last. "Maybe you can sleep in Mom's bed, then she won't have any more nightmares."
Abel's last words stop Jax dead in his tracks, and for a moment it actually crosses his mind to press his son for more details, but he doesn't. Instead, he turns off the lights, and slowly leaves their room instead.
Jax pauses right outside the boys' bedroom door, leaning against the door jamb for just a second, exhaling deeply as he tries to come to terms with Abel's last words. The knowledge that Tara suffers from nightmares sadly adds just another layer of guilt to his already burdened conscience.
The list of things that burden him seems endless and if he is being honest with himself, he really has not the faintest idea of how he can fix what he has done to them, to her. All he knows is that he didn't come this far to throw the towel in, he didn't fight this hard to walk away from the club to now walk away from her as well.
So Jax runs a hand over his newest tattoo on his chest, as if somehow the letters of her name can give him the strength he needs to face her, before he pulls his t-shirt back on over his head, and runs a rough hand through his unruly long hair.
He takes another deep breath, swiping yet another hand down his face, tugging at the strands of his beard, steadying himself before he gathers his resolve, turns, and walks down the hall in search of her. Straight into the lion's den!
X
Tara sits at the kitchen table, nervously tapping her fingers to an imaginary beat in her head when Jax appears in the doorframe.
She takes in his somewhat disheveled appearance, clearly caused by their rambunctious little boys. If she wasn't so on edge at the moment, she would poke fun at him, probably even laugh at him a little, but her nerves won't allow it.
"They are a handful." He states as he casually steps further into the room, takes a seat opposite of her, and runs a hand through his long hair, pushing it further out of his face.
"Yeah, they are." She nods her head, easily agreeing with him.
A beat or two passes with neither of them saying a word. The silence was awkward and heavy.
But to Jax's surprise, Tara is the first to speak up. "I kind of don't know what to say here, Jax?"
Jax leans forward and rests his arms on the table, the uncertain expression on his face matches hers to a T. "I know, Babe, I know."
Another awkward silence.
"Do you want a drink?" Tara suddenly asks, already getting out of her chair. "'Cause I sure could use one."
Jax flashes her the sweetest of smiles when he answers. "Yeah, sure."
When she turns away from him, it is the first time he gets to really drink in the image of her since he's gotten here earlier today. She looks incredible.
She might've lost a little bit of weight, he notes, but thankfully not too much. The way her backside fills out those jeans makes his fingers itch to slide his hands around her curves, and it takes everything he has to not get up out of this chair and follow through on those thoughts.
Tara stands on her tiptoes and opens the cabinet above the stove vent, but when Jax realizes she can't reach the bottle he quickly gets up, steps up behind her, and reaches for it himself. Brushing against her as he invades her space, one of his hands resting on her waist -not even intentionally but more out of habit- yet the contact still sends a spark through them both.
Though it doesn't go unnoticed by him just how quickly Tara moves to the side and out of his grasp, and another thing that hasn't gone unnoticed is his missing rings on her hand, yet he still holds out hope that she's just forgotten to put them back on after work. Time will tell.
He glances at the label of the already half-empty bottle of whiskey before handing it over to her, and she mumbles a quiet "Thanks" to him, before she begins pouring him and herself a drink.
Both raise their glass to their lips at the same time and Jax watches her take that first gulp. In the past, she'd always been a bit of a lightweight when it came to hard liquor like this, but as his eyes fell on the half-empty bottle once more he wondered if she built up a tolerance without him.
He can't shake how either scenario concerns him, ... the thought of Tara drinking whiskey by herself, or Tara having someone over here with her to get drunk with.
Another big sip and Jax decides that he's had enough liquid courage, and not wanting to waste another minute tiptoeing around the subject. He puts his glass down on the kitchen counter behind him, and blurts the words out that he's been dying to say since the moment he arrived. "I'm out, Babe. I'm done with SAMCRO."
But Tara scoffs and shakes her head, pausing for effect. "I think I've lost count how many times I've heard you say that to me," before she takes another sip from her drink.
Registering the disbelief in her voice, he feels the need to not only reassure her, but also to defend himself. "It's not like those times before, Tara. This time it's a done deal. I sold the house, sold my share of T-M to Chibs and Bobby, and my share of Diosa to the rest of the club."
He steps right in front of her, not giving her a chance to avoid his penetrating gaze while he lifts her defiant chin up to face him. He needs her to understand that he is serious, so he enunciates each word for added emphasis. "I am. Done. With. SAMCRO."
Tara dares to hold his gaze for as long as she can, before tears begin to well up in her eyes. She wipes at them and finally looks away. "And now what?"
"Now we ... we start over?" He says so quietly, and even he can't deny just how ridiculous that notion sounds as soon as the words have left his lips. He knows there's much more to it than that, knows it won't be that easy, that simple.
"Right. And we live happily ever after." She replies flippantly with venom and sarcasm in her voice, as she turns back around to give herself a much-needed refill and to put some much-needed distance between them again.
Jax watches as she raises her filled glass back to her lips again, taking another big gulp, and he's weighing his next words in his mind before saying them out loud. "Look, Babe. I'm not delusional. I know that it's not going to be easy. That you and I have a lot to work out. And I didn't show up here expecting you to just let me back into your heart or ... or your bed for that matter, but ... but for the first time we actually have a goddamn chance at this."
"We've had a chance fourteen years ago, Jax. We've always had a chance but you didn't take it ... and now ..." She quiets down. "Now we're broken beyond repair."
"Don't say that, Tara," Jax says her name with so much desperation in his voice that it almost breaks her heart all over again. He steps in front of her and frames her face in his hands trying to gain her full attention. "I love you. There's never been a moment when that hasn't been true. And it's always going to be true!"
Tara sobs out loud at his words, because in her mind, in her heart, his words were doing the opposite of what he'd intended them to be, they weren't comforting at all. "The sad thing is that I believe you, but don't you see that is what makes everything that has happened so much worse? That you could do the things you've done to me, ... to someone you say you love?" Tears fall freely from her eyes now, and she wipes at them just as quickly as they roll down her cheeks.
Her words resonate with him and he turns away from her, raising his hands to his face to wipe his own tears away. A deep desperate sigh escapes his lungs as he fights to get his own emotions back under control. He doesn't have an answer for her. He doesn't know why he's done what he's done. He knows there is no way he will ever be able to justify his mistakes anymore.
Back when Abel was taken, he'd tried everything he could possibly think of to push her away. He'd yelled, and argued, and cheated. It broke his own heart doing the things he'd done to her, but in his mind, it was all justified because he wanted her out of the life, he wanted something better for her, away from him and the club, he didn't want her to end up like Donna.
But now, after she had taken him back despite all the shit he'd put her through, after waiting for him during his fourteen months stint in Stockton, her hand getting smashed to shreds and getting marched out of their home late at night in goddamn handcuffs ... after all that, he'd gone and betrayed her. And for what?
What was it about Colette that made him risk losing her? He doesn't know the answer himself. All he knows is that at the time everything else around him had been so fucked up, ... so adding one more fucked up thing to the list didn't seem that crazy. At least not until right after, until the guilt had hit him of what he'd just done. Too little too late!
But how was he supposed to explain that to Tara in a way that would make sense, when it doesn't even make sense to himself? And if he can't understand his actions, how or why in the world would she? All he can think to do now is to beg for her forgiveness, and pray to God she's got any left to give.
"I fucked up, Babe." He turns back around to face her with a pleading look in his red-rimmed eyes. "I know how much I've hurt you, and if I could take it all back I would, but I can't." He shakes his head. "All I can do is promise you that it will never happen again. I will never hurt you again."
Tara sighs, wiping the remnants of her tears from her face before she blurts out. "I saw you, you know?"
His forehead creases and his eyes narrow in confusion. "Saw me? Saw me where?"
"With her," Tara states simply and fights the urge to start crying again at the memory.
Jax looks at her with confusion written all over his face. For a moment he wonders if she is talking about the day she'd walked in on Colette and him.
Seeing the confusion in his eyes, Tara explains. "I stopped by Diosa ... on the day I was leaving Charming, shortly after we said our goodbyes over at Margaret's house."
She'd come to Diosa? "What the hell are you talking about? Why were you at Diosa?" He questions her, suddenly a sickening feeling forming in his stomach as he awaits her answer.
Tara folds her arms in front of herself, the pitch of her voice rising again as she fights so hard not to cry. "I was looking for you."
He can feel his heart constrict painfully in his chest and he wonders for a moment if this is what a heart attack feels like, but then the sensation vanishes as quickly as it appeared, allowing him to breathe.
"You were looking for me?" He manages to croak out a response. "Looking for me, why?" He can't help but wonder if she had shown up to tell him that she was going to stay, and somehow he'd managed to fuck that up as well.
Tara lowers her gaze to the linoleum tiles of her kitchen floor, embarrassed and ashamed of how stupid she had been to go back there looking for him. "I came to tell you that I'd wait for you. I wanted to tell you in person that we still had a chance."
She sobs. "But then I saw you walk her out the front door, holding her hand ... I saw you kiss her." Tara wipes at the tears the memory brings to her eyes. "Clearly I didn't learn my lesson from the last time when I showed up at one of your whorehouses unannounced."
No, no, no, no, no! He wants to scream. Cold sweat gathers on his skin as fear prickles across his entire being.
Jax steps toward her now, a look of panic in his eyes she can't recall ever seeing before. "Look, Babe, I don't know what you think you saw, but nothing happened between me and her. I swear."
"I saw you kiss." Tara throws back at him, trying her best not to raise her voice since the boys are sleeping, even though she wants to scream it at him.
Jax shakes his head and pleads with her. "She might've kissed me ... I don't know, I don't remember, but I swear that nothing else was going on between me and her, ... between me and anyone for that matter."
He steps even closer to her, grabbing her by her shoulders, maybe a little too rough, and shakes her ever so slightly as if that will help her to see things his way, see that he isn't lying. "I haven't been with anyone since that day at the motel ... with you." He searches her eyes for a sign that she believes him, but sadly finds nothing but doubt reflecting back at him. He can't blame her though. "I swear, Tara, I swear on the life of our sons. You are the last person I've been with."
Tara gazes into his eyes, trying to see if he is telling the truth, but if she is honest with herself, she isn't sure if she could even tell anymore, even as doubt is creeping in. Has it all just been a big misunderstanding?
Her mind is telling her no, it is telling her that she saw what she saw, but her heart is pulling her a different way. She lowers her head and closes her eyes in hurt and confusion just as Jax pulls her into his arms, and she is too weak, too exhausted to even try to fight him off.
She can feel his heart beating fast against her ear as he cradles her head against his broad chest. "What you saw ... it wasn't what you think it was. You came to tell me that you'd wait for me." He repeats her sentiment. "And now I'm here."
His last words bring yet more tears to form in her eyes. "But I didn't ... wait."
She pushes gently against his chest, enough so she can look up into his eyes. "I met someone."
Jax lets go of her and takes a step back, feeling like he's just been punched, shaking his head no, wishing that'll make her words untrue. "What do you mean?" He asks as if he couldn't have possibly heard her say what she has just said.
"I'm sorry, Jax." Tara sobs when she sees the disbelief in his eyes. She knows just how badly he's hurting, because he's broken her heart like this numerous times before. "I thought you were with her ... You kept making all these excuses why you couldn't be here with us, ... I thought we were over."
Jax turns around, unable to look at her as his jaw clenched in anger. He realizes the hypocrisy of it all, but at the moment that is no comfort to his heart or his ego. With his back still toward her he hisses into the room. "You're still my wife. We are still married."
His words, and the disdain with which he just spoke them, cut her like a knife and her sadness is quickly replaced with anger. Is he really that self-centered that he can't see how this is nothing like what he's done to her in the past?
As heartbreaking as everything turns out to be, she will not stand here and defend the consequences caused by his actions. He did this. He caused this!
"The only reason we're not divorced is so the DA can't force me to testify against you." She reminds him why the divorce papers were never filed with the court.
Jax turns back around to face her, but doesn't even acknowledge what she's said. "Who is he?"
"Why does it matter?" Tara says with a heaviness to her voice that signals that all the fight has left her body. She is just too emotionally drained to go yet another round with him. Her mind aches, and so does her heart.
"It matters to me," Jax replies, suddenly with a much softer tone to his voice than mere seconds ago. The rollercoaster of emotions clearly begins to take a toll on him too.
She shakes her head, signaling him the denial of an answer. She can't do this anymore, not tonight. "I'm not doing this. It's been a long day for me, Jax, ... and I'm sure it's been a long day for you too."
Jax moves closer again, palming her weary face in his hands, and to his surprise she lets him. "Doesn't fucking matter who he is. You and me, we're not over. Not by a long shot."
Tara's chin quivers, but she doesn't reply. She doesn't know what to say. She is feeling more confused than she's ever been.
She needs time to think, and weigh her heart against her mind. She's seen too much, and been through too much with him to run back into his arms as if nothing has happened. She's made that mistake in the past and look where it got her?
This time, she won't be influenced by pregnancy hormones or the fear of almost having lost Abel, ...no, this time it would be different. This time he'd have to earn her trust back, because she is no longer willing to give it so easily. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
"Do you have a place to stay tonight?" Tara asks him out of nowhere with her head held high again, completely taking the wind out of his sail with her change in subject.
Jax shakes his head. "No, but I can probably find a hotel or motel somewhere in town." She can practically hear the defeat in his voice, but tries her best to not let it get to her.
"I'll find you a pillow and some blankets. You can have the couch." She says as she pushes past him and heads into the living room.
"I appreciate that," Jax answers, and follows after her. Realizing that there won't be any more talking this out with her tonight.
X
Jax tosses and turns on the couch, unable to let his mind rest, unable to stop himself from picturing her with some faceless guy. Kissing her, touching her, loving her. Doing all of the things he longs to do with her ... do to her.
It is torture and he wonders for the first time if this is what it has been like for her. If so then he probably deserves to feel the way that he does. But regardless of how bad it hurts, he's meant everything he's said.
He's fought tooth and nail to keep SAMCRO alive, and keep the club from getting torn apart by greed or the law.
And now as he is lying in the darkness of Tara's living room, he vows to himself that he'll fight even harder to save his marriage. He'll fight for her, for them. Something he should've done a lot sooner.
He doesn't know how just yet, but he'll find a way to earn her trust again, earn her love again. And he won't stop until he has won her back.
That other guy. That faceless guy that is fucking her in his mind, ... he doesn't stand a goddamn chance. That motherfucker will learn soon enough that there's nothing I won't do to get my wife back!
X
Author's Note: Please leave me a comment or a review with your thoughts. I'm curious to see whose side most of you are on. Tara or Jax? Thanks.