"It's about Otto." She starts, and swallows the lump in her throat.

"Otto?" Jax raises his eyebrows in confusion as he looks down at her while they continue walking on.

"Yeah." Tara lets out a sigh and nods. She really isn't sure where or how to start this whole conversation, but she also knows it needs to happen.

She wants to clear her conscience, once and for all.

Tara clears her throat, and begins, "I lied to you before."

"Lied about what?" Jax is quick to ask before she could elaborate.

She can feel his eyes on her, but she refuses to look up at him. She doesn't think she can bring herself to say everything that needs to be said if she looks up at him and sees what these revelations did to him.

So she focuses her eyes on the gravel-covered trail ahead of them instead, and tries to get it all out in one long breath. "That first time I went up to Stockton, I had told you that I didn't get to see him, but that was a lie. They brought him in and I did get to talk to him. I told him that I was your wife and why I was there. And of course, he was dismissive and angry. I told him that Bobby was free and that it meant his execution date would get stalled. I pretty much told him everything ... everything we had talked about."

"Okay." Jax chimes in before she can say anything else. He doesn't understand why she'd kept it a secret. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"I didn't tell you, because … because when I told him the Club needed him to retract his statement, he basically asked me to go down on him." Tara blurts the words out fast, because she needs them finally out of her head. She finally let the breath out she'd been holding.

"What?" Jax says and stops dead in his tracks turning toward her, pulling on her hand so she'd stop and turn toward him too. A look of confusion in his eyes at first.

"I obviously didn't do it." Tara quickly adds just in case there is any doubt in his mind. She pulls her hand from his and folds her arms in front of her yet again, her eyes downcast. She still can't bring herself to look him in the eye.

Jax shakes his head. He simply cannot believe what he'd just heard. "Tara -" He says with sorrow and disbelief in his voice, his hand reaching out to her.

"There's more." She quickly cut him off and took a small step back, out of his reach.

She is trying to get all of this out without falling apart, and she knows the moment he touches her or tries to comfort her, she'll lose it and break down in tears.

So she clears her throat once more, "The next time I saw him, I had brought Luann's perfume and ... anyway, long story short, he jacked off in front of me." She feels nauseous as those last words cross her lips, but at last, they are finally out.

She had planned to give him all the distasteful details, but now that the moment is actually here, she can't bring herself to do so. It already sounds bad enough as it was, so she quickly decides to leave it at that.

"Jesus Christ." Jax exhales and turns away from her now, both hands covering his face.

He stands still like that for a long moment, with his back turned toward her he asks, "Did he ... touch you?"

"No, he didn't," Tara replies quietly, she is sad that things had happened like they did, but most of all she is embarrassed.

His hands leave his face, brush his hair back, and finally, drop back down to his sides. He turns back around, facing her. There is both anger and sadness in his voice when he says, "You should've told me." He raises his eyebrows at her, clearly wondering what she had to say for herself for keeping this from him all this time.

"I know," Tara replies and finally dares to look up at him.

She can see all the different emotions flittering through his eyes, can see the devastation in them, before he clenches his jaw as if he is fighting the urge to yell and scream at her.

Against her better judgment, she dares to ask, "Are you mad?" She lifts her chin for the verbal blow she figures is about to come her way, "Mad at me?"

"No." Jax shakes his head at first, takes a deep breath, and actually turns away from her again, taking a couple of steps ahead of her. The gesture is obvious, he needs some space to rein in his feelings, his emotions.

But then he stops and turns toward her once more, "Yeah, I am actually. I'm fucking pissed."

He shakes his head again at her, wishing he could shake away everything he just learned, "What the hell were you thinking? Going back there after he asked you to suck his dick? That should've been the goddamn end of it. You should've told me!" He repeats again for good measure.

"I know." Tara nods again, her own sorrow reflecting in her eyes.

"Why?" He blurts out, his frustration getting the better of him, "Why the hell would you go back?"

She isn't exactly sure what he is accusing her of, but nonetheless, there is some sort of accusation in his tone of voice.

"For you." She spits back at him, before she turns away from him now, trying to get her own feelings under control now and struggling to keep those tears from rising in her eyes. Everything was for him!

"I didn't ask you to do that." Jax steps closer to her again, his anger flaring up once more, "As a matter of fact, I told you more than once that you didn't need to do it."

Tara took in a deep breath and spun back around, this time with a newfound resolve.

She knows she'd made a mistake, but there is more to this little story than just her shortcomings, "You said you couldn't leave Charming because of the RICO case. So I did what I did because you promised ..." Her voice broke and she burst into tears then, hiding her face in her hands, unable to finish the sentence, but the message was clear.

Jax wipes at his own eyes as the devastating revelation hits him, that she'd go through that sort of humiliation for him. Just so he'd follow through on a promise he'd made, to leave Charming with her once the RICO case was no longer held over their heads.

He grabs her roughly by her arms, against her will, and pulls her hard against him as his arms wrap tightly around her back. He couldn't get her close enough.

Tara stops struggling against him and sobs into his broad chest. A mixture of guilt, shame, and relief shakes through the very core of her.

"I'm sorry, Babe. I'm so sorry." His admission of guilt, he can barely stomach it.

"Shhhhhhhh." He tries to soothe her, brushing his hand over her hair repeatedly, unintentionally unraveling her loose bun.

He swallows hard, the feelings of sadness getting replaced by anger once more as he clenches his jaw, "That bastard's lucky he's already dead. I would've made him suffer."

Jax knows he is at fault after all, but the burden of that guilt is hard for him to accept. The list of things he is to blame for is already too long.

It is much easier to direct all his anger at the other man. At Otto. A man he'd once admired and looked up to, for his undying devotion to the Club.

Even after Otto ratted, he had still held the man in such high regard because no other member had suffered more for the Club than Otto himself. And maybe he also sympathized with the older man, because Jax knows that if roles had been reversed, and Tara had been found beaten to death with another Club member's semen inside of her while he was locked up and serving time for SAMCRO, he probably would've lost his mind too. Would've done the exact same thing.

Luann was everything to Otto, just like Tara is everything to him.

But now? Now, all that admiration he'd once felt for Otto Delany is replaced with hot boiling anger, and Jax wishes he could've been the one who'd put a bullet in the son of a bitch himself.

Jax holds Tara in his strong arms, the tight grip he has on her unwavering, until she finally calms down and her tears subsided.

She pulls away, and even though he doesn't want to, he lets go of her.

Jax watches helplessly as Tara turns away from him again, wiping at her eyes, wondering how pathetic she probably looks to him right now. She reaches into her jeans pocket, pulls out a tissue, and wipes at her nose too. She knows the black mascara tears and snot were probably very unflattering.

"Why tell me all of this now?" Jax's voice startles her, it isn't angry, yet firm. "You thought if you piss me off enough, I'll split? If that's your plan, you're wasting your time, Babe. I'm not going anywhere."

She wipes at her nose one last time, before shoving the tissue back into her pocket, spinning around to face him again.

"There's no plan, Jax." She looks up at him through red-rimmed eyes. "Not anymore." She adds and sees the confused look that crosses his face.

Her tears have stopped falling now and she actually dares to step toward him with such force, that it almost causes him to take a step back from her. Almost!

She pokes a finger angrily into his chest, and then the words just stumble out of her mouth, she's unable to stop them, let alone censor them, "I had a plan. I came here, found a place to live, got the job I wanted, found a good preschool for Abel, got daycare and babysitters lined up too."

"I did all of that by myself, on top of all the physical therapy and actual therapy, because apparently I also suffer from PTSD now too, from a goddamn attack I can't even remember ... and still, after all that, and even after seeing you with her on the day I left Charming, I still waited. For you! Like this pathetic shadow of a woman you've turned me into, I waited for you. Every damn time when your name popped up on my phone I hoped that today would be the day you call to tell me you're done with SAMCRO, and that you are on your way to be with me and the boys. But instead, I got the same old excuses from you, story after story about what was going on with the Club that was keeping you from being with us, and I finally came to my senses, told you to stop telling me about the Club." She pauses, and takes a deep breath.

"So I stopped hoping for you to show up and focused all my attention on being the best mother I can be to those babies, and focused on healing myself, trying to find me again, the one I was before you. About three months after I got here I started dating John, and he's a good man, Jax. He's nice and decent and everything a woman could wish for, and that normal life I see for myself seems finally within reach. My kids, my work, my love life, it's all starting to fall into place and I'm so close to finally moving on from you! And the next thing I know, my doorbell rings and there you are. Like nothing ever happened, looking at me with your arrogance and demands." And those beautiful blue eyes! She lets out a humorless chuckle and manages to hold back the tears when she looks up at him, and finds herself suddenly out of words.

Tara's revelations are daunting, and in all reality, Jax knows that he should drop to his knees in front of her, throw himself at her mercy, apologize for everything he's done, and beg her to forgive him. And maybe he will still do that, just not right this very moment. Not now.

Because right now his ears are ringing with Tara's words about John, and his jaw clenches in anger again. He knows he's being immature, and that his rage toward her now is completely uncalled for, especially after everything he's done, but he can't stop himself even if he tries. "Did Mister-Nice-and-Decent get you wet like I do? Like I did last night?" He hisses.

Tara looks away in disgust and shakes her head at his words, "Of course, that's all you heard. Everything else I said went right over your head."

"I heard you just fine." Jax reassures her with venom in his voice and steps closer to her, "But you didn't answer my question. Does he?"

"I'm not doing this," Tara replies and backs away from him, hating him for what he says and hating herself for how his words make her feel, hoping he doesn't notice the blush rising in her cheeks.

"Doing what?" Jax asks and takes two more steps toward her and reaches for her hands, tugging her toward him.

"This." She hisses at him now, "With you." She struggles and pulls her hands away from him.

He won't let her fight him off that easily though, his hands encircle her waist instead, his fingertips digging into her side, pulling her close against him when he leans down, her hair tickles his face when his lips are just an inch from her ear. The anger was seemingly gone from his voice but replaced tenfold with arrogance instead, "We both know he can't get you wet like I do. Can't get you off like I do, Babe."

His right hand drops from her waist and grabs her left hand again instead. It's all happening so fast that she doesn't even realize what he's doing until it's too late and he presses her hand hard against the length of his erection. "Just like nobody gets me as hard as you do." His hot breath against her neck makes her shiver.

He's so arrogant and cocky, and the feminist in her loathes the way his actions make her feel.

How her skin tingles everywhere he touches her, and her cheeks flush in a shade of crimson. How the need for him pools and pulsates painfully between her thighs.

Hates knowing that if he threw her on the ground right now, onto the dirty gravel beneath them, she might put up a bit of a fight, but with John out of the picture now she'd probably give in. She'd watch him with glossed-over eyes as he pulled her jeans off of her, and she'd willingly spread her legs for him, watching him climb on top of her in all his perfection.

She'd be loving and hating every minute of it. But nonetheless, she'd let him.

She's not sure how she finds the resolve to do it, but she pulls her hand out of his once more, bracing herself against his chest and pushing him back and away from her.

"Sex was never an issue for us." She manages to say, but then dares to look up at him and meets his lust-filled eyes.

She raises her chin in defiance, "It's the sex you have with other women that was the problem."

Jax feels that verbal blow as if it was carried out by her fists. Because she's right!

He stops his advances on her at once, and the arrogant look in his eyes all but disappears, being replaced by guilt instead. "I'm sorry."

He watches her as she turns and walks away from him. Not far, but far enough to let him know she needs some distance, needs a minute, so he gives it to her and remains quietly glued to his spot. His hands disappear in his pockets as the guilt once more washes over him.

A long minute later, Tara finally speaks up, "In the beginning, we had agreed on full disclosure, but that got lost somewhere and we started lying to each other, keeping things from each other."

Her change in subject surprises him, and for a long moment he's not sure what she wants him to say.

"I know." It's all he manages to croak out in response.

"Ima." She suddenly says and turns back around to face him, still a couple of feet away from him. "We've spent so many hours talking about why you had done what you've done. Talking about the truth behind your actions. And I remember for the first couple of months in Stockton, every time I came to see you, you just kept on apologizing for it. Begging me to forgive you. And I know it's because you were scared I'd run while you were locked up, so you apologized over and over again, until I finally told you that you needed to stop. To move on from it, I needed you to stop mentioning it every time we talked."

Jax nods his head, recalling the events in his mind.

Remembering how scared he had felt, thinking that she'd split, whenever she didn't answer one of his phone calls. Remembering the helplessness he'd felt when she came to visit him and not knowing if it would be the last time he'd get to see her.

But then he also remembers the day she told him to stop apologizing, and that he didn't need to worry, that she wasn't going anywhere.

And he'd felt like he could finally breathe again, after months and months of drowning.

Tara is proud of herself for keeping the tears at bay right now, and if there is any chance at all of them reconciling, she knows she needs to get this off of her chest.

She reaches back into her hair, pulling the loosened black hair tie from her brown curls. Fidgeting with the hairpiece for a moment, busying her hands, before she finally gathered the strength again to look back at his guilt-ridden face, "I've spent countless hours thinking about what happened with you and Colette. Walking in on you with her, seeing you with her ... it was probably the worst moment in a series of horrible moments."

"Tara." He says with sorrow in his voice, interrupting her, and stepping toward her.

But Tara holds up her hand, signaling him to stay away, and shakes her head at him, "Let me finish. Please."

She looks away and clears her throat, before meeting his eyes once more. "I thought about it and thought about it, and as much as it hurt to see you with her, as much as I hate you for it, I get it. I mean, you had just found out that I had lied to you about being pregnant, lied to you about losing our child, the circumstances of the miscarriage, me blaming your mother for it all. And you found out that I was divorcing you, taking our sons away from you. You probably thought I didn't love you anymore and you thought we were over. So I get it. I mean, I wish you would've waited some, grieved for our marriage for longer than a fucking second before you climbed into bed with someone else, but then again, it's you we're talking about here. Denying yourself anything has never been your style."

She pauses and looks away, fighting the tears and emotions that welled up in her, before she finally had the resolve to continue, "It's just that when I thought about it, all of it, my mind kept going back to that conversation I had with Juice. How he told me about you meeting with Colette, the eagerness with which he scribbled down the address for me, and most of all the knowing look in his eyes. It's like he knew, Jax. He knew I'd find you in bed with her. How could he have known what I'd be walking in on?" Tara looks back up at him then, the guilt palpable on his face, and the revelation of what that means brings fresh tears to her eyes, but she quickly wipes them away.

She needs to hear it from him, needs to know the truth, the whole ugly goddamn truth. "So did you? Sleep with her when we were still together?" Her eyes bore into his and when he doesn't deny it right away, but looks away, and hides his face in his hands instead, she knows she had just gotten her answer.

Tara turns away from him then, and the hurtful sob that escapes her throat tears his heart in two.

He wipes at his own tears, and starts toward her, "Tara?" Her name like a plea on his lips.

She flinches at the sound of his voice and turns around, her hand up in the air once more, her voice filled with anger now when she hisses, "Don't. Don't you dare touch me."

He stops approaching her, and says the only thing he can say, "I'm so sorry, Babe."

Tara shakes her head and starts rambling, her voice angry and hurt-filled, "Was it just her, or were there others too? Did you stick your dick in all of 'em? All the whores? Taking the new merchandise you're selling for a test ride." Her face crumbles, more sobs, and more tears fall.

"No, baby, no." He pleads again. "It was just her, one other time." He wants to reach out for her, wants to hold her, but he is smart enough not to. Not now.

The silence drags on for what seems like forever. The only sound besides Tara's quiet sobs was the trees rustling in the wind around them.

Jax turns away, he couldn't bear to look at her. Couldn't stand to see the hurt he's inflicted on her.

"Do you love her?" Tara suddenly speaks up and looks back up at him, with black mascara tears running down her cheeks.

He fiercely shakes his head, "No. No, Babe. Of course not!"

Another sob escapes from her throat at that, before she begins to ramble once more, "See, 'cause it would all make sense if you loved her. I mean, if you fell in love with her, and fell out of love with me, then" She stutters, "T-then it would make sense, because you just wouldn't be able to help yourself, because of all the love you were feeling for her."

Tara holds his gaze for a long moment, "So it's okay, you can tell me the truth. You can tell me if that's why you did it. You can tell me you love her."

Jax shakes his head at that, his eyes welling up with tears and his chin quivers when he looks at the desperation in her eyes.

A single tear rolls down his cheek and he quickly wipes it away, barely recognizing his own voice when he says, "I love you, Tara! Only you!"

X

Author's Note: Thank you all for the lovely reviews and private messages. I hope you liked this chapter as much as the last one. If you did, leave a few words for me. Thanks for reading. xoxo