Bang!
The loud noise startles Tara awake.
Wait ... is that the front door? -She wonders momentarily, blinks a few times, trying to adjust her eyes to the light that is streaming through the blinds, and groans loudly into her pillow in pain. She rolls onto her back, her right hand reaching for her forehead as if touching it would magically get the throbbing headache to stop ... well ... throbbing.
She blinks some more as her eyes begin to focus on the ceiling of her bedroom, trying her best to regain not just all of her senses, but her memories from the night before as well. She draws a complete blank, when a sudden surge of nausea threatens to overwhelm her.
As if her body is on autopilot, she quickly scrambles out of bed, almost stumbling over her own two feet in the process as she hurries out of the room, and without so much as a knock storms into the bathroom, just in time to reach the toilet.
The whole ordeal only lasts a couple of seconds, because there really isn't anything left in her system to throw up, but she is quick to flush the toilet anyway.
She is in such nauseating agony that she hasn't even noticed that the shower is running, nor that the air in the small room is hot and heavy with steam.
But the sound of the shower curtain sliding partially open makes her not only cringe, but also causes her to practically jump out of her skin as she looks up from her kneeling position on the floor, and is greeted by none other than her husband, his glowing face peeking out from behind the shower curtain.
"Good morning." He offers a teasing smile in her direction, trying to meet her eyes for a long moment.
She groans loudly as she sits back against the wall between the toilet and the sink, reaching up above her to pull one of the towels off the rack to wipe and hide her face in.
Tara lets her head bob back against the tiled wall behind her, groaning some more. "Is there something good about it?" She replies, wondering once more what she's done to deserve this.
"That bad, huh?" He asks, trying his best not to laugh at her discomfort as he reaches for his own towel to dry himself off. The grin ever present on his face now.
Tara hears the water turn off and the metal rings slide along the shower curtain rod, making her cringe once more at the sound. She doesn't need to open her eyes to know that Jax has stepped out of the shower and is probably wrapping his towel around his waist at this very moment.
Nor does she bother to answer him, but blinks her eyes a couple of times again, before they finally focus on him, standing there soaking wet and towering above her. She can't help herself from letting her eyes momentarily linger on his newest tattoo, her name, before they droop closed again in pain. She is in no condition to acknowledge the tattoo right now, it will have to wait.
"Come on, let's get you back to bed." He holds his hand out for her, and even though she hates the smug look on his unshaven face, she takes his outstretched hand, because she isn't entirely sure she can get back on her own two feet without his help.
She groans as he helps her to her feet, and snakes his arm around her waist, holding her firmly to his side. His glistening wet skin and dripping hair leave dark water stains on her light-colored sweats as he helps her to her bedroom and back in bed.
Tara doesn't protest when Jax reappears with a glass of water, and some painkillers, and takes them willingly from him.
He has slipped on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, his wet towel slung over his shoulder, his hair askew, when he sits down on the edge of the bed beside her, watching her silently take another gulp of the cool liquid. The old mattress dips slightly under his weight when he leans closer to brush the strand of hair that has escaped her bun, gently back behind her ear.
"Where are the boys?" Tara's eyes flutter open to meet his, her throat still feeling dry even after the sip of water.
Jax wordlessly takes the glass from her and places it on the nightstand beside her as she tries her best to keep her eyes open while waiting for his answer, despite the piercing pain in her head.
"The boys are fine" He starts, and notices how Tara blinks to meet his eyes again, "Christy took Abel to preschool, and is dropping Thomas off at the hospital daycare. She called in and told them you caught some kind of stomach bug, with vomiting, a high fever ... the works, so all your appointments are getting rescheduled. She'll also pick the boys up later and bring them home."
Tara nods trying to process all the information. "Okay," she finally says, and closes her eyes, her hand reaching up to her head once more, trying to soothe away the pain.
Jax can't help himself when he reaches out and brushes her hair back once more, his fingers cascading down her cheek. He wants to touch her, wants to be allowed to touch her, especially after being so close to her again last night, "Look, Babe. I think you should get some more rest, try to sleep this off. I gotta get to work, can't be late on my first day. I'll try to make it back here on my lunch break to check up on you, okay?"
"Hmmm." Tara halfheartedly agrees and rolls onto her side, trying to get comfortable.
Jax stands, tucking the blanket around her, the teasing grin from earlier is replaced by a look of concern, "Call me if you need me, alright?"
Tara can hear the worry in his voice and pries her eyes open long enough to look up at him, "I'll be okay."
"Yeah." He nods in an attempt to convince himself, and checks to make sure her phone on her nightstand has charged overnight. He leans down over her and presses a gentle kiss against her forehead, before he wordlessly turns and leaves her room, closing the bedroom door behind him.
X
Tara sits quietly at her kitchen table, clutching a steaming cup of coffee in her hands, daring just the smallest of sips to not burn her tongue on the hot liquid.
She still feels slightly nauseous, but her headache is no longer a piercing sharp pain, it is duller now and she is almost able to pretend it isn't bothering her anymore. Almost!
For the second day in a row, she's woken up to an eerily quiet apartment, but unlike yesterday when Jax and the boys had been napping, she finds herself completely alone today.
At first, she'd been in a panic when she realized that it was Monday, and that she had already missed two appointments. But then she suddenly remembered Jax tucking her back into bed, telling her that her schedule had been cleared and that the boys were taken care of too, and she sighed in relief, collapsing back into bed as that revelation washed over her.
She takes a long steaming shower, the water as hot as she could possibly stand and it seems to help her feel a whole lot better instantaneously. But as the nausea begins to vanish and the pain in her head begins to dull, the fog in her mind also begins to clear and with horror, some of last night's events come back to her in tiny distorted bits and pieces.
The bar, the drinks, the guy she'd danced with, the spinning bathroom walls ... and Jax!
So here she sits questioning everything that is currently whirling around in her head. Wondering what is actually real and what is merely the imagination of her still hung-over mind?
That's when she hears the key turn in the lock and her head snaps up from her coffee.
From her position at the table, she has a clear view of her apartment door, her heart begins to speed up knowing that she'd have to face Jax now with a much clearer mind, a somewhat guilty conscience, and the decision she made last night about their future together.
"Hi." He greets her with a sweet smile on his face as he steps inside and closes the front door behind him.
"Hey," Tara replies almost shyly as she watches him enter the kitchen with a big brown paper bag from the deli down the block.
"You look like you're feeling better," Jax says as he eyes her for a long moment before he shrugs out of his jacket, pulls the beanie from his head, and begins to unpack the food from the paper bag onto the table in front of them.
"I do." Tara nods in agreement, watching him intently from her seat. She has to admit that it is still odd to see him without his kutte, without his knife hanging from his belt, and wearing shirts and hats that don't display the reaper.
"Are you hungry, Babe? I got you some chicken noodle soup." He says as he places a sealed plastic bowl in front of her. "It's still hot." He adds.
Tara smiles temporarily at his efforts to make her feel better, but then she sighs as she feels her stomach protest at the mere thought of food, "That's ... that's really nice of you, but I don't think I can eat right now. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep it down."
He nods in understanding as he sits down across from her.
"Maybe later." He says.
"Yeah, maybe." She agrees and pushes the bowl to the side before she takes another sip from her coffee.
Jax unwraps his sandwich while barely taking his eyes off of her as he takes his first hearty bite.
Tara could feel his eyes on her as she tries to focus on her coffee instead. A long moment passes without either of them speaking, until Tara suddenly looks up to meet his eyes, "You want some coffee? I just made a fresh pot."
"Sure," Jax replies, answering with food in his mouth, which causes both of them to exchange another smile.
Tara quickly gets up and pours him a cup the way he likes it, before she places the hot beverage in front of him.
She sits back down, seizing the opportunity to get a good look at him, noting his weary face, and the exhaustion in his eyes as he stirs his coffee a couple more times before he dares to take a small sip.
She isn't sure what she dreads more nowadays; these quiet moments between them, when the air around them feels thick and suffocating with doubt and unspoken accusations, or when they actually speak their mind and don't hold back, which lately always seems to end in tears for the both of them.
Tara glances at the clock on the oven, wondering when he'll have to head back to work, and quickly decides to take the opportunity to clear the air while she still could. Not just about last night, but about everything. It needed to be done. Quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid!
"About last night." She starts and Jax looks up at her in obvious surprise that she is going there. She shakes her head to herself, her cheeks slightly flushing as she tries to explain, clearly embarrassed by her own actions, the few she has a vague recollection of, "I-I'm sorry for ... everything. I really didn't think I had that much to drink."
Jax wipes his mouth with a napkin, and clears his throat. She kinda expects him to tease her about her behavior, and her hang-over, but instead, his face suddenly displays a seriousness she hasn't anticipated, "I know."
"You know?" Tara cocks her head to the side and looks perplexed, wondering what he meant by that.
He wipes his hands on the napkin now as he meets her eyes across the table, noting the confusion directed at him, "The barkeeper says you didn't have that much to drink." He pauses for a moment, "You realize that mixing your anxiety meds with bourbon and whiskey is what had you puking out your guts."
Now her cheeks are flaming red and she has to look away from his prying eyes. She takes a deep breath and then exhales, and he could practically see the little wheels turning inside her head, before she finally dares to look back up at him. "I didn't ... I just forgot. My mind was spinning with everything we talked about, ... I mean, it still kinda is. It is just a stupid mistake, Jax. I didn't mean to do that."
Jax lets out the breath he's been holding, clearly relieved by her words, "I was hoping you'd say that." He isn't sure if he can handle her turning to pills and booze on top of everything else that has already happened between them.
Tara leans forward now, her arms folded on the table in front of her, "Of course, I would never intentionally ... do that."
He reaches across the table and grabs her hands in his, "Christy says you were off of your meds for a while, but then you refilled them again Saturday after I got here. Why didn't you tell me, Babe? About the anxiety, about the meds?"
"I don't know." Tara shrugs as she thinks about it for a long moment and swallows the lump in her throat. "I guess I'm just tired of people thinking that I'm weak."
Jax tugs on her hands to gain her full attention and get her eyes to focus on him, "You're anything but weak, Tara. You're one of the strongest people I know."
He truly means it ... she stood by him through thick and thin, and stayed when others would've bailed.
The memory of finding Tara in Thomas' bedroom late at night after the death threat had been left in her car, after Lyla had split and left Ope, suddenly pops into the forefront of his mind as just one of the many times she's proven her strength and resolve to him and their life together.
Tara fights the urge to cry at his words. They are sweet, but she doesn't really believe they are true anymore. After everything that has happened, she feels weak and helpless most of the time ... that's why she fights so hard to keep her heart protected this time around, because she doesn't want to give in and let him destroy what little strength she has left.
She gathers said strength the best she could and squeezes his hands now as she dares to look right at him, steeling herself against her own words she is already forming in her head before she actually speaks them out loud, "I thought long and hard about everything we've talked about since you got here on Friday, and I really think we should stop while we still have some remnants of respect for one another, while we still care for each other. While there's still some love left. I think here and now is when this should end. This needs to be the end."
Jax's eyes go wide with obvious shock. He has not anticipated her to say what she just said, hasn't predicted that this is where their conversation is headed. He honestly believed and hoped that the truth would set them free ... give them a chance to start anew, a fresh start with a slate wiped clean. After all, they had just spent the night in each other's arms, and foolishly he'd hoped that had meant something.
He shakes his head at her words, his frown deepening as they really begin to sink in and his hands holding onto hers for dear life, "You don't really mean that." He feels like he is grasping at straws here.
"I do, Jax." She says with a pleading look in her eyes, "Please don't make this any harder than it already is. I'm glad you're here, near the boys. They need you in their life. I want you in their life."
"But you don't want me in yours!" He adds angrily as he now pulls his hands away from hers and stands so fast that his chair slides back and hits the wall behind him. He turns away from her and runs his hand down his face. She can see how his whole body tenses in obvious frustration, which he is trying to hold back.
Tara glances at the clock once more, feeling she is pressed on time she finds the resolve she needs to see this through and clears her throat again.
Her voice is steely, and unwavering as she rattles out the words as quickly as she can to keep her feelings at bay, "You're welcome to stay with us until you find a place of your own. And we can figure out a schedule with the boys. You can spend as much time with them as you want to. We can even get a lawyer to draw something up if that's what you want."
A deafening silence fills the room for a long moment, until Jax suddenly speaks up. His voice is loud and clear as he turns around to face her. His baby-blue eyes glint dangerously as he shakes his head at her, and simply replies, "No!"
Tara looks perplexed, "What do you mean no?"
He folds his arms in front of his chest, his eyes never leaving hers, "I mean, no, I'm not moving out. I'm not finding my own place. I'm not going anywhere."
Now Tara stands herself, mimicking his stance as she folds her arms as well, "It's my apartment, Jax. Only my name is on the lease. If I want you out, you're out."
He frowns and shakes his head at her, and even though she is growing more furious with him by the second, she can't help but marvel at how much he looks like a grown version of a pouting Abel right now. It would be downright comical if the subject wasn't so heartbreaking.
"I'll crash on the couch until you let me back in your bed, but I'm not moving out, Babe," Jax repeats again, his voice eerily calm, but the bitterness is evident in every word.
"You're being ridiculous." Tara shakes her head at him in disbelief, "Are you really going to fight me on this? You're gonna make me change the locks?"
He chuckles humorlessly, "You really think a new lock is gonna keep me out? I'll kick in your goddamn door. If I want in, I'll get in!"
"Then I'll call the cops." She replies without giving it much thought, too caught up in this childish argument with him.
"Right." He nods and lets another angry chuckle escape his lips, "Domestic violence ... Jesus Christ, there's something I never thought I'd find on my rap sheet."
He sighs in frustration, "I guess that would do the trick ... that would be my one-way ticket back to Charming!" He adds bitterly.
A long silence interrupts their childish bickering.
"You know I don't want that," Tara says apologetically. "But you're being really immature right now."
"I'm being immature?" Jax points his thumb at himself in disbelief, his eyebrows raised to new heights.
He sighs audibly and takes a step toward her, his eyes softening with regret when he sees her take a step back to get away from him, "I don't think I'm immature for fighting for us, for fighting for our marriage, our family."
Tara shakes her head and lowers her gaze to the ground as he steps even closer to her again, "There's no getting back together, no working things out if we only see each other to hand over the kids. We both know the moment I leave, the moment I move out of here, that'll be the end."
"Yeah." Tara agrees, "And it should be." She fights the inner voice that tells her to meet him halfway.
"No." Jax shakes his head at her again, his voice more determined than ever, "I'm not gonna give up on us ... not now, not when we're so close, Tara."
"So close to what? Making each other more miserable? We've tried time and again and it always ends in tears." She is fighting her own tears at this very moment.
"Never like this, Babe. We've never tried to make it work away from Charming, away from SAMCRO ... we're so fucking close, baby, don't you see it? Can't you see how close we are to finally being happy?" He pleads with her, framing her face in his hands, his eyes trained on hers as he watches her resolve begin to crumble beneath his touch.
Tara looks away when the tears begin to well up in her eyes. She still loves him, and of course, she wants their happily ever after with him, but the thought of letting him that close once again terrifies her to the point that she feels crippled with fear. Her soul would not survive another broken heart by him.
Her voice sounds oddly high-pitched and breaks on the last word, when she confesses, "I don't trust you anymore. I'm so scared you'll hurt me again."
Jax's heart breaks hearing the pain in her voice, his hands brushing back her hair before they frame her face again, "I won't hurt you ... I promise, I'll never hurt you again. Just give me one more chance to prove my love for you. Let me stay, Babe, let me earn your trust back ... Let me love you the way you deserve to be loved!"
Tara sniffs and wipes at her face, but still wouldn't answer him. The inner turmoil she is feeling is breaking her heart with every word he speaks.
"I know that earning your trust back won't happen overnight. I'm here for the long haul. I'll crash on the couch. You're calling the shots. I'll follow your lead. You tell me what to do and I'll fucking do it. I don't give a shit if it takes forever ... I'm here, Babe!" He presses a long gentle kiss to her forehead and wraps his arms around her, pulling her smaller sobbing figure into his chest. "Please, Tara, just give me one more chance? Just one more?"
The silence-filled minute feels like hours to Jax as he waits for her response. He wants to hope for the best, but he braces himself for yet another letdown. He fears the damage he's done to their relationship is beyond repair.
Tara suddenly pulls back enough to look up at him through red-rimmed teary eyes and simply nods her head. It's such a simple gesture, but it could mean the world to him if he's interpreting it right.
"Yeah?" Jax nods his head, trying to read the expression on her face. A small smile slowly graced his features.
"Yeah!" Tara sobs, but smiles up at him through the tears that roll down her face, and Jax fights the urge to press his lips to hers in celebration.
He releases the breath he's been holding and pulls her back into his arms for a long embrace.
"I love you!" He simply whispers into her ear, his own voice heavy with tears of joy now.
"I love you!" Tara replies through tears, hoping she hasn't just made another mistake!
X
Author's Note: What are your thoughts? Did she give in too soon? Will he prove he's trustworthy? I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for reading.