Jax can't sleep, and rolls onto his back, blinking his eyes a few times until they adjust to the dark motel room again. He stares up at the ceiling, wishing he could turn off his thoughts, and finally get some much-needed rest. He thought the whiskey earlier would help ... hell, or maybe it has helped a bit too much, and now he finds himself not only unable to sleep, but also questioning the way he provoked her earlier, and caused her to break down and burst into tears.
He is so sick and tired of being the cause of all of her pain and tears. All he wants is to make her happy, but he isn't sure if she'll ever be able to truly forgive him, to give their family another chance, give their happiness another try. And he hates the fact that he has no one to blame for that, but himself.
When he is done beating himself up over that, his mind goes back to her words of doubt, about her fear of SAMCRO's involvement in the attack on her. When she first mentioned it, he brushed it off immediately, because it had never even crossed his mind that any of his brothers could've plotted his wife's death. But now, lying here wide awake in the darkness, and left to his own thoughts, he couldn't help but wonder about the fact that if his mother hadn't seen Juice reappear in the hospital on the same day when Tara's ventilator got disconnected, he never would've suspected him either.
The idea that Tara suspected the rest of them from the get-go, and he hadn't even picked up on that until now, makes him not only feel stupid and uneasy, but also incredibly naive.
That even now, after he's finally chosen her and the boys over SAMCRO, he is still too blinded with false loyalty and brotherhood that he can't see what is right in front of him? Is she right? Was SAMCRO behind it all along? And is that how Juice managed to get away, because he had someone on the inside helping him?
He turns his head to take a long hard look at her sleeping form beside him. There she was, curled up on her side, and facing away from him, with the blanket tucked up all the way under her chin. He can't see her face, but if he holds his own breath, he can hear her rhythmic breathing, and unlike him, she's finally fallen asleep.
He wants to get closer to her, wrap himself around her, spoon her, and pull her back tightly to his bare chest. But on one hand, he isn't sure how she feels about that, and on the other, he has no doubt that being that close to her won't let him find rest any faster either. It would simply make him long for her even more, and add just another reason why he wouldn't be able to get some sleep.
Jax slowly folds the blanket back, and quietly slips out of bed, trying his best not to disturb her. He takes slow steps over to the dresser, where his phone is charging, and he turns the screen on just long enough to see what time it is.
He curses inwardly at the realization that it is already Saturday morning, and he hasn't really slept in days. Yet that doesn't deter him as he reaches for his sneakers next, and quickly slips them on, not even bothering with any socks. He slips his arms into his flannel shirt, not bothering with the buttons either, reaching for the room key, his pack of smokes, and his lighter. The room door creaks as he pulls it open, and he glances back at a sleeping Tara once more, making sure she hasn't woken up, before he slips out of the room.
The fluorescent street lights that are scattered throughout the motel parking lot and along the street tint everything in a yellowish hue. Jax exhales before he puts the cigarette to his lips, shielding the flame of his lighter with his hands from the wind, and quickly lights it. He closes his eyes in contentment when his lungs fill with smoke as he takes his first long drag, flicking his Zippo close, and tucking it away into the breast pocket of his shirt.
He lets his eyes scan the parking lot for a long moment, before he ventures a little further away from the door, stepping between his truck and the sedan that is parked right beside him. Leaning back against the driver's door of his truck, his eyes flicker across the expanse of the cheap motel. His eyes take note of the few room windows where the lights are on, and he wonders for a moment if their occupants are just as restless as him, or the opposite, already up to start their new day bright, and early.
A buzzing noise draws his eyes away from the motel, and up the length of the streetlamp a couple parking spots over. He takes another drag from his smoke while he watches the moths and other bugs fight for dominance around the flickering light bulbs.
The nicotine definitely proves to have a more soothing effect on him than the whiskey had earlier last night. And it also seems to uncloud his mind of some of the things that have been keeping him awake this long.
Sure, he said some hurtful things to her, but in the end, he knew she needed that release. Needed to let that anger out instead of keeping it all bottled up. His mind goes back to the time she's almost been taken, and her hand had been crushed in the process. How he knew he was to blame, and he wanted her, no, he needed her to yell, and scream at him, and let it all go. The way she tried to keep it all in back then had disturbed him more than anything she could've screamed in his face instead.
No amount of hours talking to her shrink could ever possibly untwist and unearth all the hurt and pain, and resolve it. So this, tonight, it simply had to happen one way or another, sooner or later, in order for them to make any progress in their relationship. And as much as guilt is still eating at him, deep down he knows he is right.
Then his thoughts go back to SAMCRO's involvement in the attempt on her life. And as much as that nagging voice in the back of his mind tells him to not be so stupid, so gullible, and loyal, he simply can't wrap his mind around that idea no matter how hard he tries. It just doesn't make sense, especially considering they'd all just voted for Clay to meet the reaper, for all his dealings behind their back, for his betrayal. So surely they wouldn't turn around mere days later, and make such a decision behind his back, and betray him just the same. They wouldn't ... or would they?
He flicks the ash off of the end of his cigarette, watching the orange ambers disappear in thin air as he lifts it to his lips once more, and slowly finishes it off.
No! He shakes his head to himself, they wouldn't have done that. No way!
Just then the room door to his right creaks as it opens, and Tara appears in the doorframe.
"Jax?" She asks, squinting as her eyes adjust between the dark of the room behind her, and the light of the parking lot, trying to focus on him.
"Hey." Jax answers, and flicks the remnants of his cigarette to the ground, grinding it out as he turns, and steps toward her.
Tara steps out of the door, rubbing her bare upper arms up, and down to warm them in the cold morning air. "What are you doing out here?" She asks, but then jumps in surprise as the door falls shut behind her with a clunk. "Shit." She looks at him alarmed for a second, "Please tell me you have a key."
Jax smiles. "Yeah, I do." He reassures her, as he steps closer, watching as she rubs her upper arms again before folding her arms in front of herself.
"You cold?" He asks, but is already shrugging out of his shirt before she can even so much as nod.
Tara realizes what he is doing, and tries to stop him, "You're gonna be cold." She protests in the same moment he steps up behind her, and drapes his shirt across her shoulders.
"I'll be fine." He reassures her, and steps even closer beside her, draping one arm around her shoulders and looking down at her quizzically. "Why are you up?"
"I could ask you the same thing?" She replies, giving him a curious look in return, but then decides to answer him after all. "I turned around, reached out, and realized you weren't there." She sort of explains, a sense of bashfulness in her voice.
"I couldn't sleep." Jax begins to explain his reasons, trying his best not to read too much into what she just said, fishing out another cigarette, and his lighter with his free hand, "Thought some nicotine might help."
He quickly lights his smoke, giving her room to push her arms through the sleeves of his flannel shirt, before he drapes his arm around her again. Savoring the feel of her, how she relaxes against him, leaning her head against his shoulder. Maybe he hadn't fucked up as bad last night as he thought!
Jax holds the cigarette out to her, a wordless offer. The sleeves of his shirt are too long on her, the hem falling past her hands, and he smiles at the way she has to push the hem back and up her forearm in order to take the cigarette from him.
There is just something about her wearing his clothes that turns him on. But then again, after the drought he's found himself in, there isn't much she does these days that doesn't turn him on.
"Thanks." She mumbles under her breath, before she takes a long, long drag, closing her eyes in contentment, just like he had earlier, and the smile on Jax's lips grows wider as he continues to watch her.
When she holds the cigarette back up to him, she catches the look and the smile on his face. "What?" She asks, watching him just as intently now as he's been watching her.
He shakes his head, now grinning ear to ear, and takes a drag of the smoke, before looking back at her for a long moment. "Nothing, Babe," but contradicting to his words, he chuckles.
"What's so funny?" She playfully nudges her elbow into his side, intrigued by his mood. "Spit it out."
"I was just thinking back when we first started dating, and I'd ask you if you're hungry, and you'd say no, but then you'd end up eating half my fries." He explains, still smiling.
It was true, and Tara smiles at the memory herself, but she draws her eyebrows up in curiosity looking back up at him, "What made you think of that?"
He holds the cigarette out to her, and she takes it, before he adds, "Well, officially" He air-quotes the word officially, "You quit smokin', but I somehow go through a pack twice as fast now."
She tries, but can't help but chuckle at that, and he chuckles along with her when she hands the smoke back to him, her cheeks reddening a little, "You offered, I didn't ask." She tries to defend herself. "The fries, and the smokes." She adds, and smiles sheepishly back up at him.
"I didn't say I mind, Babe." He quips back without missing a beat. "The fries or the smokes." He adds, and winks at her.
X
A loud knock at the door startles both of them awake. He detangles his fingers from Tara's, sleepily, and sluggish he pulls his other arm out from beneath her pillow too. He tries not to wince at the way it tingles painfully as blood begins to flow back into the numb limb, while he stretches and flexes it repeatedly to regain full mobility.
"What time is it? Tara mumbles, and looks back at him over her shoulder, watching him get up as the knocking continues, before she rolls exhausted all the way onto her back.
"I don't know." He murmurs, leaning back down at her for a moment, kissing her forehead, not really in a rush to get the door.
The window curtains are drawn, but the sliver of sunlight streaming into the room between the fabric indicates the sun is high in the sky, Tara realizes as she watches Jax rub the sleep from his eyes while he stumbles to answer the door now. His footsteps loud, and heavy on the carpeted floor.
He opens it, squinting at the sun in his eyes as the man who checked them in the night before, gives him a quizzical look, before looking him up, and down. Without so much as a greeting, the man hurriedly explains, "Check out was twenty minutes ago. Are you guys staying another night?"
"What?" Jax looks confused for a moment as the words begin to sink in, "What time is it?"
The man sticks out his arm with his wristwatch so Jax can see it, pointing at it with his other hand to emphasize the words, "It's eleven twenty, buddy. Like I said, check-out was twenty minutes ago, at eleven. So ..."
"Shit." Jax curses, and dares a glance back at Tara, who by now is sitting up in bed, running a hand through her disheveled hair. They overslept big time. He looks back at the smaller man in front of him, "Sorry, man. We overslept. We're not staying another night."
"I'll have to charge you for a late check-out. It's policy." He replies, his lips pulling into a firm straight line.
"Yeah. Alright." Jax nods, absentmindedly scratching a spot on his bare chest, "We'll be up there in a little bit to pay."
"Well ... Okay then." The man nods, somewhat taken aback by the lack of resistance. He'd been prepared to argue about motel policy, but is pleasantly surprised instead.
"Okay." Jax nods once more, before turning and closing the door in the man's face.
X
Tara examines her face in the bathroom mirror, running the pads of her fingers over her cheeks, under her eyes, the bridge of her nose, and along her chin, smoothing out her makeup, the lightly tinted powder she just applied. She proceeds to curl her eyelashes, then quickly applies her mascara, while she watches Jax's reflection in the mirror, packing their belongings in the bedroom behind her into their overnight bag. And just when she reaches for her lipstick, Jax appears in the doorframe behind her. Their eyes meet in the mirror, and she can see by the look on his face that something is on his mind.
Tara applies her lipstick, waiting for him to say something. She smacks her lips together, evening out the color, when her eyes meet his again, "What?" She asks, because she couldn't hold her tongue any longer.
"I've been thinking." Jax sighs, and folds his arms in front of himself, and she takes his cue, and turns around, leaning back against the sink as she twists the lipstick back into its casing, before putting the lid back on.
"About what?" She searches his face in confusion at the worried vibe she is beginning to get from him.
"I was just thinking, I could go get my bikes by myself. We could just pay for another night, and you could just hang out here. Or I could drop you at Saint Thomas on the way, and you could catch up with Margaret if you want. And I'll pick you up when I'm done."
Tara furrows her brows, "Wait, you don't want me to come?"
"No." He quickly shakes his head, when he realizes she might be taking his suggestion the wrong way, and steps closer to her, his hands reaching for hers, "I do. I just thought, maybe you'd be more comfortable here than at T-M ... around SAMCRO." He searches her face now in return, "And my mother." He adds for good measure.
"Right." She replies, and turns away from him to put her lipstick back into her makeup bag, but also to buy herself some time, at least a few seconds to think.
Does she want to come face to face with the Sons? Or her infuriating mother-in-law for that matter?
No, of course, she doesn't want to, but at the same time, something has changed since the conversation they had last night. She suddenly feels like it isn't just her against them anymore, she feels like she truly has Jax in her corner now.
And besides, she isn't a coward.
She takes a deep breath, and spins back around to face him, trying her best to conceal how nervous she truly is. "I'm fine, Jax. Let's just go get the trailer, get your bikes, and get back home to our boys, okay?"
"Okay." Jax nods in agreement, before he practically reaches around her, gathering his few belongings in the bathroom, "Let's get out of here."
X
She tries her best to keep it together, to keep her anxiety at bay, and not let it mess with her head. Taking deep cleansing breaths, and reassuring herself that everything will be fine. Over, and over, like a mantra inside her head.
It came naturally for her to scan the familiar lot, not only for the row of bikes of the guys, who to her surprise weren't there at the moment, but also for Gemma's Cadillac, which was there, parked in her usual spot.
And as if on cue, Gemma appears in the doorway to the office, hand above her eyes trying to shield herself from the sun to get a better look at who just pulled in through the gate.
Tara lets out the breath she's been holding when she sees Gemma looking in their direction. Jax has seen her too, and quickly sneaks a peek back at his wife beside him. Giving Tara a reassuring smile.
He focuses his attention back on the task at hand for a moment as he slows, and carefully maneuvers his truck around, back, and forth until he finally comes to a complete stop. He has no choice, but to park at an awkward angle, due to the length added by the trailer he is pulling behind his truck.
After a quick glance toward his mother, who remains leaning against the doorframe, a cigarette in hand now, he turns back toward Tara, reaching for her hand. "You okay?" He couldn't help the question on his mind from actually slipping out when he looked at her this time.
Tara tries to smile reassuringly, but it doesn't come across very convincingly at all. She sighs, and looks back at Jax, suddenly more nervous than she wants to present herself today, especially here of all places, "The last thing I ever said to her was a lie." Tara ruefully admits. "I was trying to get her out of the house, so I told her Bobby is bleeding out. That I needed her help up at the cabin." Tara shakes her head, looking away from him.
"Tara." Jax leans closer, reaching for her, tipping her chin back toward him to get her to look at him. "Look, I know a lot went down between you and my mom, and a lot of that is unresolved shit. But I don't want you getting all worked up over things you can't change, Babe."
Tara sighs again, as her eyes drift back toward her mother-in-law, her eyes glazing over with unshed tears.
"Hey," Jax says, trying to get her full attention once more, meeting her eyes. "You've got nothing to worry about, I promise. I'll handle my mother! I'll talk to her." He says convincingly.
"Okay." Tara nods, her heartbeat slowing down just a tad at Jax's words of reassurance. He does have her back!
They both open their doors to get out, when Tara's phone suddenly rings, stopping them in their tracks. Tara quickly digs it out of her purse, and looks at the screen. "It's the hospital." She says surprised after recognizing the number, her finger hurriedly moving across the screen to answer the call.
"Hello," Tara answers, and Jax waits for a moment, studying her face to make sure it isn't Jason or Christy calling about the boys.
"Yes, how can I help you?" She nods at Jax, dismissing him as her conversation with the other person on the line turns toward one of her patients.
Jax climbs out of the truck, closes the door behind him, and slowly steps in the direction of his mother on the other side of the lot.
His eyes drift across the lot, taking in the finally finished rebuilt Clubhouse, the empty row of parking, absent the familiar bikes of his former brothers, except for his own two at the very end, still draped with a cover for protection from the elements.
Just like he left them on the day he left town in search of his wife, and kids. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't missed taking his Dyna out on the open road, the pressure of the wind against his chest at high speed, the roar of the engine drowning out everything around him.
But then his eyes drift back to his mother who stubs out her cigarette, and raises her arms as she approaches to embrace him.
"Hi, baby." She purrs into his ear, kissing his cheek. "I expected you much earlier. I missed you so much." She frames his face, before she pulls him into her arms for a long hug, but the fact that he doesn't reciprocate her embrace isn't lost on her. She pulls back enough to get a good look at his face, clearly perplexed by his lack of affection. "What's wrong?" She asks almost nervously, naturally her mind drifts, wondering if her most heinous secret has come back to haunt her for a moment, but the look on Jax's face tells her it isn't so. Sure, it is a look of displeasure, maybe anger even, but it is not a look of murderous vengeance, she notes to herself in relief.
"I need to talk to you." He simply says, his feelings about what Tara has confided in him come bubbling back up to the surface tenfold now that he finds himself face-to-face with his mother.
Gemma takes a step away from him, she glances to her left, taking in the mechanics working in the bays beside the office, before her eyes drift across the lot, past her son's larger frame at her daughter-in-law, who is leaning against Jax's pickup with her phone up to her ear, facing the front gate, and obviously lost in a conversation, and too distracted to even give her any mind at the moment.
She clears her throat, annoyed in a way, but nonetheless nods toward the office behind her. "Let's talk in here," she says, and steps inside ahead of him.
Gemma sits down in her office chair, leaning back, and crossing her legs at the knee in an attempt to appear more confident than she actually is at the moment. Through narrowed eyes, she watches her son slowly close the office door behind him, before he turns, and focuses his attention back on her.
"What is this about, Jax?" She dares to ask, not liking being kept in the dark for another moment longer.
"What is this about?" Jax repeats, incredulously, and shakes his head as a look of disgust crosses his face, his voice too loud and mean for her liking when he says, "It's about Mommy moving away, or Mommy passing away."
"Ahhh." Gemma nods, and reaches for her pack of cigarettes on her desk. "Of course." She says, sounding too flippant, before raising a cigarette to her lips, and quickly lighting it, taking her first long drag trying to calm her nerves.
The way she acts only seems to annoy Jax even more now, "Of course? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He asks, his eyebrows raised to new heights.
Gemma flicks some ash into the ashtray on her desk, before looking back up at him, "You, and I just talked on the phone two days ago, and everything was fine." She glares back at him equally annoyed, before she continues, "But of course, Doctor-Do-Right decides that now is the right time to share that conversation with you, just in time for your visit home."
She stands now, cigarette in one hand, her other free hand pushed into her own back pocket. "She's kept it to herself all this time, but you think it's just a coincidence that she decides to bring it up now? Now that you're back home?" Gemma shakes her head, "No, it isn't. Because God forbid you came back here, and weren't feeling angry and guilty all over again, and you'd realize how much you missed the Club, the brotherhood ... And me."
Jax takes in and releases a sharp breath through his nose, his lips turned down into an angry scowl, as he raises his voice, "This isn't about Tara or her timing, Mom. It's about the fact that you decided to take it upon yourself to threaten the mother of my sons, my wife, in my name." He pauses for a moment, trying his best to reign in his anger some, "Do you realize she thought I might be behind the attack on her? That it was me, or the Club? Because of the threats you decided to fill her head with!"
"She went behind your back, tried to divorce you, take those boys away from you. Away from us." Gemma tries to justify herself, her voice equally loud, and forceful in her devotion. "All I did was point out what could happen. Someone had to set her straight."
"It wasn't your place to set her straight!" He yells at her furiously, and for a fraction of a second she actually winces having been caught off guard by his loud outburst. "You don't speak for me, or for SAMCRO for that matter."
Jax shakes his head, and actually turns away from her for a long moment, stepping over to the window that oversees the lot. His fingers separate the blinds so he could get a better look at Tara, still talking on the phone, and still leaning against his truck.
He is trying his best not to lose his cool any more than he already has, but he also tries to find the right words to get through to her. "I'm not denying that it crushed me when I found out she wanted to divorce me and take the boys. Or that she lied about the pregnancy, and the miscarriage." He turns back around to face his mother, "And at first I was so hurt, so ... angry that I couldn't even think straight, but it didn't take long for me to understand why she did what she did."
"Jackson." Gemma pleads, appalled, and steps toward him. "She tried to frame me for murdering my unborn grandchild. Broke your heart, made you believe I'd do such a thing."
"And that's something she'll have to live with." Jax quickly interjects. "We all have our own share of mistakes, and regrets that we'll have to live with. I know I have more than I can count." He ruefully confesses in a much milder tone now as he searches his mother's face for any sign of understanding.
But instead, Gemma shakes her head, and walks back over to her desk, leaning against it as she hurriedly puts out her cigarette in the ashtray, exhaling the last remnants of smoke from her lungs. "So what? I'm just supposed to forgive, and forget? Kiss, and make up? Like you did when she kidnapped your sons, tried to rat on your Club, and on you." She folds her arms in front of herself, and shakes her head at him again, "It doesn't work that way, sweetheart."
"But she didn't rat," Jax answers solemnly. "So there's nothing to forgive."
"She would have, if you hadn't caught up with her." Gemma quips back without missing a beat. "And what then? What would've happened if -"
"Not that." Jax interrupts, and shakes his head at her. "No, Mom. Not that." He repeats.
He wouldn't have murdered, nor let his Club murder the woman he loves. Leaving his sons to grow up without their mother. His jaw tenses with suppressed rage again at the mere thought of it.
Gemma scoffs at that, slides off of the edge of her desk, and takes a few deliberate steps toward him, looking him dead in the eye. Her eyebrows raise almost to her hairline, her voice calm, and full of conviction, "I know you, son. And I also know that you have a good heart, and that you want to believe that it wouldn't have come to that." She shakes her head at him again, "But we both know that in the end it would've been done. It would have to be done. It's who we are."
"No." Jax contradicts her prediction wholeheartedly, refusing to let any of her words put doubt in his own convictions. She doesn't know him as well as she thought she did. She doesn't know what he is capable of or not. "There's no way in hell I would ever lay hands on her, or stand by while someone else did. No matter the reasons."
"Even if she ratted?" Gemma asks again. "Giving that DA enough to charge the Club with RICO? Putting all of you behind bars for decades?" She scoffs at him in disbelief. "I know you don't really believe that."
He is beginning to get sick and tired of this conversation. About rehashing their ugly past yet again. The would have, could have, should have, of it all.
"Has it ever occurred to you that it was your constant interference, your threats, that pushed her to make a deal in the first place?"
At that Gemma lets out a humorless chuckle. "Right!" She agrees sarcastically. "Everything she did, it's allllll my fault. Mine, and mine alone." She mocks him, shaking her head at the ridiculousness. "It couldn't have possibly been your meetings between the sheets with the Madame. No, of course not, it was all my doing, it wasn't her finding out about your wandering dick that pushed her over the edge."
Jax closes his eyes in frustration, turning away from her as he pushes his hair back out of his face. The truth in her words hit too close to home for comfort. He's been blaming himself all along, but to hear his mother taunt him with his shortcomings as a husband is more than he is willing to take.
He takes a few steadying breaths, pinching the bridge of his nose, trying his best to not let his mother's words get to him, but it is so much easier said than done.
He is just so exhausted from following her down that bottomless rabbit hole of who's-to-blame-for-what another second longer.
"It doesn't matter." Jax suddenly says, spinning back around to look at her. "It doesn't matter anymore who did what, and why. What's done is done." He says, trying his best to sound convincing, because he truly wants to believe that it could be that simple. To let bygones be bygones. "It's history!"
"It's history!" Gemma repeats, then proceeds to wipe her hands against each other as if she is trying to shake off some dirt or dust. The exaggerated gesture no doubt correlates with the words that follow along, "So we should just clean our hands of it all, like nothing ever happened ... just chalk it up to good old history?"
"Yeah." Jax nods, not even acknowledging the undoubtedly sarcastic tone in her voice. "Because this shit between you and Tara, I know how deep it runs, but it has got to stop, Mom. She is my wife. She's the mother of my sons. You have to figure out how to put it all behind you."
Gemma shakes her head, before looking back up at her son. "Because it worked out so well for me last time?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Jax looks at her confused.
"I'm talking about her telling me that I'd get my family back, if I helped you bring down Clay. That if I did what you asked me to do, I'd get the key to your house back, and the family that came with it. Her words ... Only to find out that she had already accepted a job offer in Oregon." Gemma looks heartbroken for the first time since he's walked into the office with her.
"Jesus." Jax sighs. "You know she was just trying to protect the boys, get them away from all this pain and misery we found ourselves drowning in." Jax tries his best to defend Tara's actions.
She shakes her head again, and he can tell she is about to argue on the subject some more, but Jax beats her to it, and speaks up first. "Not even you can twist and turn the shit that happened, to change the truth here, Mom. Donna, Luann, you getting raped, Abel getting kidnapped, Tara being taken, Lyla getting shot, just to name a few."
"That's just part of -" Gemma starts, but Jax interrupts her abruptly.
His voice was loud, and harsh once more, "Oh c'mon. Please don't give me that bullshit about it being part of the life ... I'm not talking about Club members here. It's old ladies, my son, our families getting caught in the aftermath of Club decisions. So Tara made a decision of her own, to save our boys, and get them the hell away from it all. And if her being brutally attacked and left for dead in our own home isn't reason enough for you to finally see things her way, then you are even more delusional than I thought you were."
At that, Gemma remains quiet. Even she's at a loss for words now, but Jax isn't done just yet.
"What if Abel and Thomas went home with Tara that evening? What if they would've witnessed their mother being viciously beaten and stabbed right in front of them? After everything Abel's already endured in his short life, can you imagine what witnessing something like that would do to him? How it would torment him, trying to wrap his little mind around something so horrible? And do you honestly think he would ever wanna patch into this Club, after watching a member of it try to murder his mother?" Jax stops for a long moment, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, before he continues. "And what if Juice hurt the boys too? Eliminating the witnesses, like he did with Eli."
"He wouldn't have done that." Gemma finally decides to speak, her voice heavy with emotions.
Jax raises his eyebrows, frowning, and shakes his head, "You don't know that. And I don't know that. Clearly, I underestimated him. I had no idea what Juice was capable of, because him going after Tara ... I honestly never saw that coming."
A long pregnant pause stretches out between them. The air heavy with sadness all around. Jax sighs in exhaustion as he takes a seat in the chair by the door. Gemma also sits down again, settling back into her office chair once more, her eyes focusing on anything but her son across from her.
Suddenly Gemma breaks down in tears. Loud heavy sobs that shake her whole body with each breath she tries to take.
Jax looks away from her at first, hesitating to comfort her, but eventually breaks down and steps over to her. He takes her hands, tugging her to her feet, and pulls her tightly into his arms.
"I'm sorry." She sobs against his chest.
"I know," Jax replies, running his hand up, and down her back in a way to comfort her.
They stand like that in a long silent embrace, until Gemma finally begins to pull away. She reaches for a tissue from the box on her desk, dabs at her eyes, and wipes away the black mascara tears that have left unflattering streaks down her face.
"Why are you even still here?" Jax finally dares to ask the question that has boggled his mind for far too long.
The question is vague, but Gemma doesn't need to ask what he means by it. She knows he wants to know why she is still in Charming, but the answer isn't quite as simple. "Where am I supposed to go, son? You made it pretty clear you don't want me in Abel's or Thomas' life."
Jax shakes his head in contradiction, "That's oversimplifying it, don't you think? You burned those bridges all on your own, Mom. With your suggestion for me to give up on Tara, take her off of life-support, pushing me toward Colette. Threatening Margaret after I made her guardian of the boys. Refusing to see the harm the Club has caused my family, and because of that fighting me every step of the way when I supported Tara to finally leave for Oregon with my sons." He raises his eyebrows at her, before he adds the obviously rhetorical question, "Did I miss anything?"
She is well aware of all the damage she's done. Her eyes begin to water once more, she nods in understanding, her chin trembling, but she fights through the onslaught of emotions this time, trying to put on a brave face instead.
But the lump in her throat won't allow her to speak just yet, so Jax carries on instead, "I love you. I always will, but after what Tara's been through, I cannot come to her with this. The rift between you two is still too big and too fresh, it's just too soon. She wants the boys clear of the Club, of the life, and as long as you're still part of it all, that means clear of you too. And maybe I'm wrong about this, but I think the fact that you never even tried to reach out to her after she woke up, has a lot to do with it too."
At that Gemma raises her eyes up to meet his again, "You told me to stay away, Jax."
"I did," Jax nods. "But when has that ever stopped you before?" He asks in all seriousness. "We both know that if you wanted to mend fences with her, you would have found a way. The reason you didn't reach out, is because you still held a grudge. You're still holding a grudge now."
Gemma still doesn't speak, the words ringing too true, and she prefers for her son to continue to believe them. But at the same time, she is the only one who truly knows why she's never reached out to her daughter-in-law. Even though she loves her grandsons with all her heart, she has been too afraid that any contact with their mother at all, could somehow cause Tara's memories to come back, and inadvertently would out her as the monster she truly is.
Jax finds his mother's tongue-tiedness unusual to say the least, but it doesn't stop him from taking advantage of the moment to actually speak his own mind, "I don't regret leaving Charming. I only regret that I didn't do it much sooner. I love her. Tara and the boys make me happy. They make me whole."
He sighs, and lowers his head, avoiding her eyes for a moment. "And who knows, maybe with time I can learn to like the man I see in the mirror again too."
He raises his eyes back up to meet hers, "Maybe it's time for you now. To leave Charming, and be with the person that makes you happy. Makes you whole." He smiles at her sympathetically. "I know Norco is even further away from Oregon than Charming, but it's time to move on, Mom."
Gemma smiles weakly, and scoffs. "Nero." She sighs, "It's a nice notion, but that is all it is. I'm afraid that bridge has been burned as well, sweetheart." She swallows away the lump in her throat, and sighs again, "This is home for me, Jax. And besides, the Club needs me. Lyla needs me. She's practically running Red-Woody by herself these days, making good money now, but she needs help with those kids. Someone's gotta look after Opie's kids."
X
Lyla pulls her car into the Teller-Morrow lot, and slowly comes to a stop in the empty parking spot beside Gemma's car. Her eyes drift back toward the Gate, where Jax's truck, along with a trailer, is parked, and she couldn't believe her eyes when they fell onto a familiar figure.
She quickly gets out, and rounds her car, taking quick, yet long strides heading toward Tara. With a genuine smile on her lips, she can't stop herself from stating the obvious, "Tara? Oh my God, is that you?"
Tara first hesitated when she saw her former friend pull into the gate, but now that she sees the expression on Lyla's face, she no longer holds back her own smile.
"Hey." Is all Tara manages to get out, before Lyla practically throws herself at her, wrapping her in a tight embrace.
"It's so good to see you." Lyla pulls back, and searches her face, "You look ... great." She adds, sounding surprised.
For a moment Tara's unsure if she should feel offended by the surprise in Lyla's voice, but Lyla's genuine smile causes her to smile back just as brightly when she replies, "Thanks. You do too." And that is the truth, not just some meaningless pleasantry, but Lyla looks really well too. She looks happy, and there is a sparkle in her eyes again, that had previously been absent since Opie's death.
Lyla of course inquires about her being here, and Tara quickly fills her in on the story she and Jax concocted. tells her that they are just in town to pick up Jax's bikes, and handle some paperwork, nothing more.
"Where's Jax now?" Lyla says and looks around the lot, before Tara can answer her.
"He's in the office, with Gemma." Tara explains, before she gives Lyla a curious look, "How is she?"
"Gemma?" Lyla asks, and when Tara nods, she begins to explain. "She's doing good, considering. I think she still misses Nero, misses Jax, and of course, the boys most of all ... But honestly, she's been helping me a lot with the kids. I know you two haven't gotten along in a long time, but I really don't know what I'd do without her."
Tara nods, remembering that feeling all too well. That feeling of belonging, of being more than just an old lady when Gemma is truly in your corner. But that seems like ages ago now.
"Shit." Lyla suddenly blurts out, "I almost forgot I got groceries in the trunk that need to go in the fridge."
"Do you need a hand?" Tara asks in return.
"Please," Lyla replies as she opens the trunk of her car.
X
Tara can't believe how much it all looks the same. The layout of the rebuilt Clubhouse is practically identical to the way it used to be. Everything is in the same place, deliberately no doubt. The bar, the stripper pole, the chapel, the kitchen. The only thing missing are the random pictures that used to clutter the walls in some places, along with the posters of scantily clothed women, the Harley memorabilia, and SAMCRO plaques.
Right now all the walls are still bare, with the exception of their rather infamous wall of mug shots of their members, past and current alike. Getting your mugshot taken has always been a rite of passage amongst the ranks of the Club. Displayed rather proudly, it has been the focal point of the large room, but even more so now, Tara thinks when the sight of one particular mug shot makes her stop dead in her tracks.
There, right next to Opie's, beneath JT's, is Jax's mugshot, the only one hanging upside down, standing out like a sore thumb. And Tara simply couldn't tear her eyes away from it!
"It's weird, right?" Lyla speaks up, her eyes also glued to Jax's picture right in front of them, bringing Tara out of her trance.
She tries to swallow away the sudden dryness in her throat. "Yeah, it is." She replies, and nods, suddenly realizing how heavy the bags of groceries are getting. Her arms are feeling heavy and sore, to begin with, she assumes from digging up Kohn's grave the night before.
Lyla starts walking toward the kitchen, the rhythmic clicking of her high heels brings Tara further back to reality, and she quickly follows along. The two women proceed to put the groceries away, chatting along, bragging about their kids, and catching each other up on their new lives.
Tara has to admit that talking to Lyla came incredibly easy. She knows it's because they both have been part of this life that anyone from the outside looking in, just couldn't really grasp and understand. Christy is her closest friend, but despite that, Tara always finds herself having to debate what she could or couldn't share with her. She doesn't want to lose Christy's friendship, but she knows if she truly confides everything in her, losing her could very well be the case.
So they sit, and talk, with a nice hot cup of coffee in front of them, and everything is fine, until Lyla says something that catches Tara by surprise.
"It's too bad Jax couldn't leave right away with you, and your boys." Lyla gives Tara a sympathetic smile, stirring a spoonful of sugar into her still-steaming coffee. "He looked so miserable when you were gone. And you probably didn't have it any easier on your own either. It's no joke taking care of two kids by yourself." Lyla looks up from her cup, and meets Tara's eyes. "That stupid DA bitch really rode his ass hard. But I guess in the end it all worked itself out, huh?"
Tara looks back at her perplexed, "What are you talking about? What DA bitch?"
"Shit." Lyla's eyes go wide in alarm, "I'm sorry, I thought you knew."
"Know what?" Tara presses.
"Sorry, I ... I shouldn't have said anything." Lyla tries to dismiss her, a sense of panic in her voice now.
"Lyla, tell me, please." Tara doesn't like how desperate she sounds, but her heartbeat has picked up at this newfound information, and she wants to know all of it.
Lyla sighs heavily as she contemplates what to do. "Alright." She finally nods, glancing behind her, ensuring they are still alone, before she leans closer to her brunette friend, and begins to share the few details she's overheard. Gossip at its finest!
X
Jax steps into the Clubhouse, taking a long hard look around. When he left, they had just begun to put the sheetrock up. He is astounded to see the progress they've made in his absence.
His eyes fall to the wall right in front of him, he anticipated feeling a sense of remorse at the sight of his mug shot being displayed upside down, but now that the moment is here, remorse isn't at all what he is feeling. He feels justified in what he has done, even more so now after the drawn-out conversation with his mother. He has no regrets about leaving, but feels slightly nostalgic when he takes in his brother's pictures instead. Being a son hasn't always been hell. They've had plenty of good times too, and those are the memories he's decided to focus on and hold onto from here on out.
Tara and Lyla step out of the kitchen toward him. He greets Lyla with a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, before he turns his attention back to his wife, draping an arm around her shoulder.
"Everything good?" He asks, when he can't quite decipher the look on Tara's face. Is she still worried about Gemma, he wonders.
Tara and Lyla exchange a quick glance, before she looks up at him, and says, "Actually, can I talk to you alone?"
"Sure," Jax answers, but raises his eyebrows curiously as he also glances back at Lyla, but the blonde isn't giving anything away either.
Lyla excuses herself, and heads back into the kitchen, while Jax leads Tara down the hallway, and around the corridor where his old room used to be. But they never even make it that far, when Jax can't wait any longer, and asks. "Look, Babe, if this is about Gemma -"
"It's not." Tara harshly cuts him off, and pulls away from him. She turns around to face him instead, folding her arms in front of herself. "Why didn't you tell me about Patterson?"
Jax looks confused, but only for a fraction of a second. Then it dawns on him that Lyla must've spilled the beans. But he asks nonetheless, "Lyla told you?"
"She did." Tara nods, looking pissed off. "But why the hell didn't you tell me?"
Jax is just about to answer her, when noises coming from the main front room catch them both off guard. There are voices he doesn't recognize, laughter, and conversation, and it is clear that a group of people has just arrived. It's probably just some croweaters, and hangarounds, if he had to take a wild guess.
He takes Tara by her elbow, and leads her into the room closest to them, which happens to be the weight room, where he used to work out. He closes the door behind him, and turns back around to face her. "Look." He starts, but then stops, and by the way he sucks in his bottom lip, biting it for a second, it becomes clear to her that he has no idea what to say or how to explain himself this time. "I'm not sure what Lyla said to you, but -"
Tara is fuming at what she perceives to be the beginning of yet another lie, so she interrupts him again, "It doesn't matter what Lyla said, Jax. I want to know why I had to hear it from her? Why didn't you tell me that the DA changed her mind? That she decides to press you for even more Intel about the IRA?"
"I wanted to tell you." He starts again, "I thought about it." That is true, he had thought about it.
"But?" Tara tries to coax him to further elaborate, but Jax remains quiet once more.
Tara lets out an audible sigh, "When you first said you couldn't go to Oregon with us right away, I was disappointed, but I understood because you said you still have some loose ends to take care of. But then I saw you with Colette on the day I was leaving, and every phone call after that sounded just like one excuse after another about why you still couldn't be with us, and I went from disappointed to just mad. I was so mad at you. For making me miss you, making our boys miss you." She sniffles, trying not to cry, "I don't think you realize how angry it made me."
"Tara." He pleads, "I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I didn't want to hurt you at all. I swear."
She swallows the lump in her throat, and stares back up at him, determined to get an explanation from him, "Then why, Jax? Why didn't you tell me the truth, instead of making me think that you were choosing to stay because you wanted to? For the Club?"
Jax lets out the breath he'd been holding, and his face grows grim as he thinks about why he did what he did. "You were so happy, so relieved when Patterson dropped the charges against you. Against us. We were home free. And you started planning our move to Oregon. Then she calls me up, going back on her word, like I had predicted she might. Giving me some spiel about it all of a sudden being out of her hands, above her pay grade now, and that she needs more or she would have no choice but to reopen the case against you, and charge you all over again. So I did what I had to do, gave her what she wanted, with the help of the Club."
Tara's eyes begin to tear up again, the emotions going through her are so contradicting in themselves. On one hand, she is furious that he's kept her in the dark all this time, and that apparently everyone had known except her. But on the other hand, she also feels gratitude and love, so much undeniable love, in the purest sense of the word, for him, for what he did for her!
"I just wish you would've told me." She cries, wiping away a tear that has escaped her eyes.
"I know, and maybe I should have. Maybe things would be different now if I had. But back then, all I could think about was the pain I already caused you. And I wasn't even sure if I could pull it off, get her the Intel she wanted. All I knew was that I didn't want to burden you with it, be the one to take that happiness away again. So I lied. I lied because I wanted you to keep believing that we still had a damn chance. I'm sorry, Babe." Jax shakes his head at her apologetically, his eyes trained on hers.
The tears begin to fall, and Tara looks away, covering her face with both her hands, before she begins to wipe them away, trying to get her emotions back in check.
Her chin trembles as she looks back up at Jax just standing there. Ruefully, with that puppy-dog look in his baby-blue eyes that could melt the coldest of hearts. And then it happens, she isn't even sure how, but her feet carry her the few steps toward him, and before she even realizes what she is doing, she reaches up, and grabs his face, holding him still as her lips crush onto his.
She pours her heart, and soul into that kiss, her hands gripping his hair, pulling him down toward her, holding him in place, before she realizes what she is doing, and pulls away. She looks up at him puzzled at what has come over her, her eyes wide with the shock of her own actions. "I'm ... I'm sorry." She stutters. "I shouldn't have -"
But Jax catches her off guard when he grabs her now in return, spins her around at a dizzying speed, and pushes her back against the wall. He presses the length of his body against hers, successfully trapping her between the wall and himself, leaving his hands free to frame her face, before his lips claim her lips this time.
He kisses her long, and hard, and thoroughly. It is the kind of kiss that you see in movies. Forceful, yet still romantic. The kind that seems to last forever, leaving you dizzy, and weak in the knees.
But just as quickly as he grabs her, and kisses her, he suddenly stops. Leaving her stumped, and greedy for more.
He pulls back, looking down at her with the most devilish smile on his face she's ever seen. "Just for the record, Babe, I'm not sorry. Not even a little." He says, his voice heavy with lust for her, before he leans down and kisses her again.
X
Author's Note: I hope you all liked it. Please take a moment to leave me a review or comment. I'd really love to hear what you all think of this new development. ;) Anyways, thanks for sticking with my story. xoxo, Skater