*Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.
*Author's Notes: Chapter 51 of 'Slash's Revenge' is finally here and this one is super emotional. You may have to get out your box of tissues.
Thanks so much to the following readers for commenting on Chapter 50 of 'Slash's Revenge': Ralip71, mina-minx, LittleMiss Icequeen, animegamefanatic, Pilyarquitect, Kayla Haefs, Missbille, jgrasper22, Minnie1015, theturtleartist9, CNightJoy and guests. I'm incredibly grateful to all of you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.
Okay, let's do this! I really hope you like what you read…
CJ
Chapter 51 – Feelings
Without his T-phone, Raphael had no idea just how much time had elapsed since the cavern had partially collapsed on top of them. What the red-clad turtle did know was that the minutes ticked by far slower when one was trapped inside a cramped space. It felt like days had passed, when in all actuality, it had probably only been an hour or so. Maybe not even that long…
Leaning his back against what used to be the entrance of the cavern, Raphael glanced around the enclosed space and let out a melancholy sigh. For years, he had come to this place, and now, there was barely anything left of it.
It seemed almost fitting.
He and Spike had spent so much time here. It was kind of like their special space.
But now that Spike was gone, it didn't feel right to come here anymore.
Too many memories…
Yes, it was definitely fitting that the place had been destroyed.
It was for the best really…
Less chance to relive the past…
Heart growing heavier by the second, Raphael gazed over at his little brother, who was currently curled up on his right side.
The conversation between the two turtles had been minimal thus far. So minimal, Donatello had drifted off to sleep some time ago. While at first, Raphael had thought this was a good thing, he was now starting to worry about his genius brother.
If Donnie had a concussion, wasn't it best for him to stay conscious?
Raphael couldn't remember all the concussion protocols, but he was pretty sure keeping the person awake was one of them.
Could letting Donatello get some rest being doing him more harm than good?
Raphael wasn't willing to take that chance.
Against his better judgment, the hotheaded turtle crawled up beside his sleeping brother and made the mistake of shaking him awake. The abrupt and rather rough physical contact caused Donatello to cry out and shrink behind his folded arms in fear. He stared up at his big brother as though he was the devil himself, sure he was about to get pounded within an inch of his life.
"Let's make this a beating you won't get up from, shall we? How 'bout we start with that leg you keep griping about? I wanna hear you scream, like the weakling you are."
Donnie could only whimper as visions of Slash's fists and feet slamming into him over and over again came flooding back to him. "No. Stop!"
Raph immediately realized his error and was filled with remorse. "Ah, shell. I'm sorry, Donnie. I wasn't trying to scare you."
Still cowering behind his arms as if they were a shield, Donnie sealed his eyes shut and braced himself for Slash to strike him down again.
"I think it's time for another beat down, Donnie boy."
"Please. Stop."
Raph could see his brother visibly trembling on the ground and it made the temperamental turtle feel even worse than he already did.
His thoughtless actions had done this...
"Donnie, it's okay. It's me. Raph!"
Several long seconds passed before the words finally got through. The genius turtle stared up at Raphael as if to confirm what he was seeing was in fact real. The nonstop nightmares and flashbacks were making it hard to distinguish truth from fiction.
When the intellectual turtle felt confident it was indeed his brother hovering over him, he timidly pushed himself up into a sitting position as his face flushed with embarrassment over what had just transpired. "Sorry."
Even as quiet as it was in the cavern, Raphael barely heard his brother's whisper-soft apology.
"For what?"
Donnie's cheeks turned a darker shade of crimson, but fortunately for him, it was too shadowy inside the cavern to see the color change. "I shouldn't have fallen asleep. How long was I out for?"
"I'm not sure. Probably about a half hour."
"Still no sign of them?" There was an air of hope in Donatello's voice, but Raph would soon dash that hope with a gruff, "No."
Rendered temporarily speechless, the genius turtle's expression fell into a frown as his gloomy gaze made its way down to the ground.
The turtle in red roughly cleared his throat before speaking again. This time, there was a little less gruffness in his tone. "I've been thinking…" Raph paused, half-expecting Donnie to make some sort of snide comment, but the genius turtle remained silent. Though slightly disheartened that his brother didn't jump at the easy chance to insult him, Raph continued on with what he had to say, careful not to let his disappointment show. "Maybe if Slash got away, he went to the lair to get help."
Donnie lifted his head up to stare at Raphael incredulously. "Why would you think that?!"
"Because he saved us!"
"Are we really going to do this again? In case you hadn't noticed, HE JUST ABOUT GOT US KILLED!" The sheer volume of Donatello's voice threatened to bring the remaining ceiling down on top of them.
"But you said he stopped the Kraang from shooting us!" Raphael realized he was treading on some seriously thin ice by siding with Slash once again. The hotheaded turtle couldn't help but to think back to the last time he had defended Slash…
"He - He saved you, you know?"
"He what?!"
"He saved you."
"Saved me?! Saved me! In case you've forgotten, that monster kidnapped me and tortured me!"
"I – I know, but – "
"NO! YOU DON'T KNOW! He kept me in a cage and forced me to wear a leash and muzzle! He made me get down on my hands and knees to eat and drink! He found amusement in humiliating me and beating me into unconsciousness! He let my wounds get so infected, I almost died!"
"Yeah, but when I found you, he could've let you die, yet he didn't! He saved your life."
"Wait! Are you actually defending his actions!? He was planning on sending you my severed finger!"
"But he didn't! Donnie, listen!"
"I'm through with listening to you! You've always cared about him more than me! Don't deny it! Even now, after he did what he did, you still love him more than you ever did me!"
"Donnie, that's not – "
"Don't lie to me! I know what you really think of me! He told me over and over again! You think I'm weak and useless! An embarrassment to the clan! You wished we were never related! You told him that yourself!"
"Donnie… "
"GO ON! Admit it! Tell me how useless I am again! Tell me how I screw everything up and ruin everything I touch! Say it! Tell me how I'm not worth saving!"
"No."
"HOW COULD YOU?"
"Wh – What?"
"How could you sit there and defend him after everything he's done! Unless… Unless S – Slash was telling the truth all along! You never c – cared about me!"
"Donnie – "
"GET OUT!"
"Donnie, please! Let me – "
"I! SAID! GET! OUT!"
"Donatello – "
"NOW!"
The memory of the harsh words from his normally docile brother made Raphael squirm inside his shell. He had clearly offended Donatello, and yet, here he was, repeating the same mistake.
But the fact remained, Slash had saved them. He had risked his life to protect them. And this time, Donnie had witnessed it firsthand. He could no longer deny it.
"He stopped them," Raphael repeated for good measure. He then stared over at his little brother, fully expecting to see a look of disdain, but there was no scorn to be found on Donatello's face. His expression was that of confusion which struck Raph as rather odd. Why would the supposed genius be confused?
Now, it was Raphael who was confused. The hotheaded turtle opened his mouth to speak, but Donatello beat him to the punch.
"Just like you stopped the Kraang from shooting me." Donatello hesitated for a moment, just long enough to swallow around the thick lump forming in his throat. "Why would you do that?"
To Raphael, the answer was quite obvious, but to Donatello, it was a great mystery. Especially given all the horrible things Slash had said…
"Awww! I wish Raphael could see you right now. Groveling in your cage like a little coward. All the more reason for him to despise you."
"Raphael used to tell me everything about you guys. He always said that you three held him back and that he didn't want to be a part of the team anymore. He especially couldn't stand you. He never missed a chance to point out what a hopeless weakling you are and how he wished you weren't related to him. He used to constantly say he couldn't believe he had such a pathetic loser for a brother."
"Raphael was right about you. You really are pitiful and weak. You should be ashamed of yourself. Just like the rest of your family is."
"You can deny it all you want, Donnie boy. The truth is, Raph always thought the least of you. He told me time and time again that you were the most useless one. An embarrassment to the clan."
"I can see why Raphael hates you so much. Shaking like a little baby. You make me sick."
Given all the horrible things Raph had said…
"You're always sorry! I've had it up to here with your excuses, Donnie! What? It wasn't enough that you almost killed Spike? Now, you almost killed all of us with another one of your crazy experiments!"
"I don't want to hear it anymore! You're always screwing everything up, Donnie! How many times have you nearly killed us now? How many times, huh?"
"All you ever do is put everyone in danger, Donnie! You're supposed to be the smart one, but you ruin everything you touch! You're the reason Spike's gone! I lost my best friend because of you! It was all your fault! If you weren't such a walking disaster, he'd still be here!"
The words hurt, like a thousand jagged shards of glass to the heart...
"A walking disaster."
"The most useless one."
"An embarrassment to the clan."
"A pathetic loser."
"A hopeless weaking."
"Not worth saving."
But if he wasn't worth saving, why on Earth would Raph jump in front of Kraang laser fire to protect him?
If Raph hated him so much, why the heck would he take that kind of chance?
It didn't make any sense…
"Why would you risk your life for me?" Donatello was so distraught, he wasn't even sure if he had spoken these last words aloud. Then, came Raphael's immediate response.
"Because you're my brother."
"So, you saved me just because I'm your brother? You felt obligated to do it?" Disappointment dampened Donatello's quaking voice as he looked at his sibling with big, sorrowful eyes. Eyes that instantly made Raphael mentally kick himself for saying the wrong thing, as usual.
"No." Raphael vigorously shook his head from side to side to better stress his point. He hadn't meant to insinuate that the only reason he had saved Donatello was because they were bound by blood. It was so much more than that. "I saved you because you, Leo, and Mikey mean more to me than life itself. If I ever lost one of you, I… I don't know what I would do."
Upon hearing this, Donatello shook his own head. His voice then came out halfway between a whisper and a whimper. "B – But you said I wasn't w – worth saving." Tears that would have normally been absorbed by Donnie's mask slid down his sunken cheeks. For once, he didn't make any attempt to hide them. He wanted his brother to see the pain he had caused.
"Those are Slash's words, not mine, Donnie. I swear to you, I would never say or think that. Not ever. I would die to protect you." Without even realizing it, Raphael placed his hand over his heart as he made this solemn vow. He had meant every word, but alas, Donatello was unable to accept these words as true. Slash had personally seen to that.
"No. No! I don't believe you! If you care so much, you wouldn't have said all those hurtful things to me. Even if Slash was lying, you still told me I ruin everything I touch and screw everything up. You said I put everyone in danger and called me a walking disaster." A trace of bitterness came through in Donnie's tone, but it was mostly drowned out by the hurt he could no longer hold back.
Trying like mad to hide the tears accumulating in his own eyes, Raphael hung his head down in utter shame.
He couldn't bear to see the dejected expression on his little brother's face.
Even more unbearable was the knowledge that he was the reason behind that heartbreaking expression.
"I know I did, and I wish like shell I could take all that stuff back. I didn't mean it, Donnie. I was angry and I let my temper get out of control, as always. I should have never said any of those things to you. And I should have never let Slash hurt you."
"But he did, Raph." Nearly choking on a sob, Donatello struggled but eventually managed to get the last two words out. "You did."
Emotions starting to get the better of him, Raph's voice cracked several times as he clumsily navigated his way through an apology that should have been spoken well before this point. "I'm sorry, Donnie. I – I'm sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you. I would do anything to make things right again."
An awkward hush fell over the cavern, neither brother knowing what to say. The long overdue apology had them both at a crossroad.
Raph wasn't sure if his brother could ever find it in his heart to forgive him…
Donnie wasn't sure if he could ever trust a word his brother said again…
Silence was all that could be heard for the next five minutes. The two brothers stubbornly looked in opposite directions as they searched for something to say. Something that wouldn't make things between them even more strained than they already were.
Finally, it was Raphael who spoke in a voice riddled with guilt.
"The mutagen… It made him do those things. But I don't have any excuse. If you're going to blame someone for all of this, I'd rather you blame me."
Donatello contemplated over this for a good while before offering up his surprisingly calm response. "You asked me if there was still good in him."
The recollection made Raphael once again hang his head down in shame…
"I know. I shouldn't have asked you that. I had no right to. Not after what he did to you."
"He could've easily cut off my finger… " Donatello had to pause to regain his composure. Seeing his bandaged hand still made him cringe. The vivid memory would forever haunt him…
"It's been ten days, Donnie boy. Your brothers probably think you're dead by now and stopped looking. Whatta ya say we give 'em a little something just to let 'em know you're still kicking? You know? Proof of life. How about we send 'em a tooth or two? You've already got that stupid-looking gap. What'll a couple of missing teeth matter? Or maybe we should send 'em a severed toe. Better yet, how about a finger?"
It was obvious Donatello was struggling to speak, perhaps lost in another flashback of his time spent with Slash. Not wanting to see his brother suffer any further, Raphael figured another apology was in order. "I'm so sorry, Donnie. What you went through was – "
Holding up his bandaged hand, Donatello waved off the remainder of Raphael's sentence. The genius turtle hadn't finished his thought quite yet…
"But he didn't."
Nearly giving himself a case of whiplash, Raphael peered over at Donatello with a shocked expression. His mouth ajar, but the words wouldn't come.
"Something stopped him from doing it. I think that something was you. You two share a special bond. One that will never be broken, not even when he kidnaps your brother and subjects him to indescribable torture for ten days straight.
"You care about him in a way I wish you cared about me." The pang of regret in Donatello's voice was almost tangible.
"Donnie, that's not – " Once again, Raphael's sentence was waved off.
"Please, let me finish."
Though Raphael deeply wanted to argue Donatello's previous statement, he kept his mouth shut, feeling his younger brother deserved at least that much.
"You and Slash were friends. Confidants even. Something you and I will never ever be." Donnie paused to clear his throat. The words were getting harder and harder to get out, like he was gargling gravel. "I know we don't have much in common and we don't seem to see eye to eye on anything. And I know I'm not what you want in a brother. I totally get that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I… I just wish we could have been… closer."
"We still can be, Donnie."
Donatello shook his head, inadvertently making Raph's heart plummet to the ground.
"Slash told me things you said… about me. And while I know they weren't all true, I do think there was some truth to what he said. A part of you does resent having me for a brother. I guess I can't blame you. We both know I'm not a natural born fighter like the rest of you. And I've always been the weakest one of us. Let's face it. When it all comes down to it, I'm just… I'm just the tech guy. It's no wonder you think I'm an embarrassment to the clan. Again, I totally get it. I would feel – "
"Okay! Okay! That's enough already!" Raphael cut a rather startled Donatello off with a voice that was somehow both disgusted and concerned at the same time. The hotheaded turtle then continued in a much softer tone, so as to avoid scaring his little brother any more than he just had. "You can forget about all that stuff Slash said, because it isn't true. Not one little bit of it. You aren't an embarrassment to the clan and I certainly don't resent having you for a brother. That's a bunch of crap!
"And as for you being just the tech guy… You're a lot more than that, little brother. You're a freaking genius and the one who fixes everything and keeps us all together. When you were missing, we pretty much fell apart. That's probably the reason Slash went after you in the first place. He knew we couldn't function with you gone.
"Speaking of Slash… " Raph hesitated for a moment to steel himself. He knew this was going to be sensitive subject matter for both of them. "Yeah, I do care about him. I guess I always will… but I promise I'm never gonna care about him as much as I care about you."
Ugh! Could that have sounded any lamer?
Rolling his eyes towards the ceiling, Raphael internally cursed himself for botching all of this up. He was so not good at the whole sharing feelings thing. Truth be told, he sucked at it. Sucked at it big time, but he forced himself to keep trying. All the while, his father's words of wisdom pushed him onward…
"Above all else, we must show him that he is loved very, very much."
It sounded simple enough in theory, but in reality…
Swallowing thickly, the temperamental turtle attempted to steady his respiration. He didn't want his little brother to see or hear just how uncomfortable he was.
Have to show him that he's loved.
Have to show him that he's loved.
You can do this…
"I know I might not show it as often as I should, but I – " Raphael's sentence came to a screeching halt as all words suddenly failed him, causing Donatello to turn and face the older turtle.
With Donnie now staring directly at him, Raph felt the first throes of panic start to take hold. Time seemed to come to a complete standstill as the turtle in red waited for his voice to return.
All he had to do was say something nice.
Why was this so dang difficult?
Why couldn't he just tell his brother how he felt?
Raphael held his breath for several of the longest seconds in history to compose himself, and then, finally spoke the words he had been trying so hard to get out.
Sort of…
"I – I do care."
But it was not enough…
Just saying that he cared was not acceptable. Donnie deserved more than that. Raph had to speak the three little words that were darn-near impossible for him to get out, but he had to, for his little brother's sake.
"I… I love you… very much."
A long pause followed, as both brothers attempted to process what Raphael had just said.
The red-clad turtle was slightly embarrassed by his sloppy execution while the purple-clad turtle was slightly taken aback by his brother actually speaking the words aloud.
Feeling the strong need to reciprocate, it was Donatello who spoke first.
"I love you, too, Raph, and I appreciate the sentiment. I really do."
There was a big 'but' coming on. Raphael could tell just by Donatello's cautious tone and the guilty look upon his face.
Sure enough…
"But I'm not going to lie and tell you that saying 'I love you' is going to make it all better."
Raphael's face wilted with obvious despair. He looked like a little kid who had just dropped their ice cream cone on the sidewalk.
Truth be told, there was this naïve part of Raph that had actually believed that apologizing and saying 'I love you' would somehow solve everything, but as he watched his brother's teary gaze fall to the ground, the hotheaded turtle realized there was no magic cure-for-all. Much to his dismay, his words had not fixed the damage that had been done.
Maybe nothing would…
Just as Raphael dipped his head down in defeat, Donatello lifted his head up to reveal the ghost of a smile.
"But at least it's a step in the right direction."
With that said, Raphael raised his head back up to see the small smile on his brother's face. Something the hotheaded turtle hadn't seen in far too long.
The welcome sight nearly brought Raph to tears. He couldn't stop a huge grin from spreading as he spoke in an almost giddy voice. "I'm gonna make this right, little brother. You'll see."
Donnie's smile grew a size bigger, but there was sadness in his expression as well. "Just know that it's gonna take some time for me to… to trust again."
"Take all the time you need, Donnie. I'll be here for you, no matter how long it takes."
Somehow, after all that had happened, Donnie believed this statement to be true. For the first time in weeks, it gave him hope for the future. Hope that he and his brother could mend what Slash had broken. The genius turtle was about to say as much when a familiar voice sounded out from the other side of the cavern wall.
"Hey! Is anybody in there?"
"Mikey! Boy, am I glad to hear your voice!" Raphael yelled towards the caved-in cavern entrance, perhaps louder than necessary. He wasn't sure just how thick the newly formed cavern wall was and he wanted to make certain his baby brother heard him.
"Raph! Are you okay, dude? Is Donnie in there with you?"
"Yeah! He's here! We're both okay, but we're stuck inside this cavern! Can you get us out?"
"No worries, bro! We're totally on it!"
Raphael and Donatello both moved as far away from the collapsed entrance as they could, a little leery it might come crumbling down on top of them once their family tried to get through. The two of them then exchanged wary glances, but said nothing.
They had already said enough at this point.
Now, all that was left to do was wait…
To be continued…
*More Author's Notes: This chapter makes me cry every time. Like ugly cry. I love that the middle brothers finally opened up to each other! It's just what my heart needed. Who else is excited about their progress here?
Just another friendly reminder, please take a couple of moments to favorite, follow, like, reblog, review and/or comment on this story so I know you're still with me.
Thank you very, very much for reading. I sure appreciate it.
Take care and stay safe.
CJ