Act 1: Pope Innocent III Goes Full Dr. Weird

Vatican City, 1209. The grand halls of the papacy are dimly lit by candlelight. Pope Innocent III, looking like a medieval mad scientist, dramatically throws open the doors, his robes billowing like he's about to drop the sickest mixtape of the 13th century.

Pope Innocent III (throwing his arms in the air): "GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! THE CATHARS HAVE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE FOR TOO LONG! IT'S TIME TO SHOW THEM THAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS THE REAL BOSS AROUND HERE, BABY!"

The assembled knights exchange nervous glances.

Random Knight: "But, uh… your Holiness, they aren't actually bothering anyone."

Pope Innocent III: "YOU'RE RIGHT! THEY AREN'T BOTHERING ANYONE… EXCEPT ME! AND SINCE I'M THE POPE, I SAY KICK THEIR FRIGGIN' ASSES!"

The knights salute, bow, and exit. As they walk away, one of them mutters under his breath:

Knight (shaking his head): "How is this idiot the Pope?!"

Act 2: The Cathars Get Into a Dumbass Gnostic Debate

Meanwhile, in a secret underground cave in Southern France, a group of Cathar mystics sit in a circle, deep in theological debate.* Their robes are pristine. Their beards are immaculate. Their patience is running thin.

Lead Cathar Mystic: "We know that the great false god, Yaldabaoth, created the material world by corrupting the divine hermaphrodite essence of the Pleroma! Any questions?"

Silence. Then a chuckle.

Lead Cathar Mystic (narrowing his eyes): "Is there a problem, brother?"

Chucklehead Cathar: "Alright, but what if Yaldabaoth *isn't* a divine hermaphrodite? What if he's just, you know… a cosmic jackass?"

Lead Cathar Mystic: "Brother, it's *symbolic.* It's not meant to be taken literally."

Chucklehead Cathar: "C'mon, we all know someone's gonna take it literally! Just say he's a *jackass.* Keep it simple!"*

Lead Cathar Mystic: "Alright, fine! *Not a hermaphrodite, just a jackass!* Happy now?!"*

The group nods in agreement. But Chucklehead Cathar isn't done.

Chucklehead Cathar: "Okay, but hear me out—what if Yaldabaoth made the universe… by lighting his own farts on fire?

The cave falls silent.

Lead Cathar Mystic: "WHAT?! NO! THAT'S STUPID!"

Chucklehead Cathar: "Is it though? It's said that the Lord said, 'Let there be light!' Know what also lights up? FARTS WHEN YOU LIGHT THEM."

Lead Cathar Mystic (clutching his head): "OH FOR THE LOVE OF—*NO FARTS!"

Another Cathar (stroking his beard thoughtfully): "I mean… he *does* have a point."

Lead Cathar Mystic: "IT WAS NOT A F*ING FART! GODDAMN IT!"*

Chucklehead Cathar (grinning): "C'mon, just admit it makes sense, Grandmast—"

Lead Cathar Mystic (screaming): "IT. WAS. NOT. A. FRIGGIN'. FAAAAAAAAAARRRRRT!"

Act 3: CHAOS CONTROL!

Suddenly, the cave entrance explodes open!

A dozen heavily armored knights stand in the entrance, swords drawn, looking pissed.

Lead Knight: "THE POPE HAS MARKED YOU ALL FOR DEATH, HERETICS!"

The Cathars freeze. The Lead Mystic sighs deeply.

Lead Cathar Mystic: "SHIT! It's the Pope's goons! You know the drill!"

The Cathars rush toward the altar—where a single glowing Chaos Emerald rests in a golden chalice.

Lead Knight (confused): "What in the holy f* is that?!"*

The gemstone begins to glow. The Cathars chant in unison, placing their hands on it.

Cathars: "CHAOS CONTROL!"

A massive flash of light fills the cave!

The knights blink in confusion. The Cathars have VANISHED.

Lead Knight (looking around in shock): "…What the actual f* just happened?"

Act 4: The Sneakiest Escape in History

As the knights stand dumbfounded, the Cathars—who just teleported like five feet behind them—begin sneaking out of the cave, whispering insults.

Chucklehead Cathar: "Heh… jackasses."

One knight turns around, sees them sneaking off, and just sighs.

Lead Knight (throwing his sword down): "Y'know what? *F* it. This is above my pay grade. They earned it."

The Cathars disappear into the night, taking the Holy Grail Chaos Emerald with them.

Epilogue: The Pope is Not Happy

Back in the Vatican, Pope Innocent III is pacing angrily, waiting for news.

A messenger bursts into the room, sweating profusely.

Messenger: "Your Holiness! The Cathars… they vanished in a flash of light!"

Pope Innocent III: "…What?"

Messenger: "They said something about 'Chaos Control' and disappeared!"

The Pope rubs his temples.

Pope Innocent III (muttering): "Goddammit, first the Waldensians, now this bullshit."

He takes a deep breath.

Pope Innocent III: "FINE! If we can't kill them… we'll just erase them from history! NOBODY will know about their Chaos Emerald heresy!"

THE END