Back from the dead to finish this one up one hundred years later. Thank you, jandco, for continuing to write things that make me want to write things.
Bella
I should have cried earlier, I know now. I should have cried earlier so I didn't in the church, in the front row, my wild, reckless grief echoing across the marble floors.
I wasn't expecting it, because the days leading up the funeral were muted. No one turned on the TV. The phone rang incessantly but all the conversations were hushed. My parents kept closed doors between me and the business of death, but I saw the evidence. A check to the funeral home sitting on the counter. Ben's senior photo in its frame, laid into a box by the back door with his black suit. Flowers and food overwhelmed the kitchen and living room and eventually, the garbage bin in the alley.
My parents broke the news about my father's business two nights after Ben's body was pulled from the river. They bought a house on the west side of the river. It all happened so fast, they said. They were going to tell me earlier but…their excuses didn't matter, really. I sat at the kitchen table and nodded, hearing only that we would be leaving Ben here, in this house, on this side of the river, with our old lives.
Angela came back from camp early and she and her mom came with a bouquet and their sincere tears. We sat on the screen porch while our parents cried together in our kitchen.
"How was camp?" I asked, fidgeting with the strings on my cutoffs. We hugged when she came in but I still feel confused and angry at her betrayal. She lied to me.
"Awful," she says, and doesn't elaborate. She blows her nose. Her bangs are growing out and the freckles came out on her nose and shoulders. It's all so familiar, but sitting here just a foot away from her I can feel the distance between us growing.
"Edward said…" I shake my head and start again. "Why didn't you tell me you slept with Ben?"
She blows out a slow exhale, her eyes welling up again. "I didn't know how."
I can feel her watching for my reaction.
"Everyone knows," I say, finally.
She glances at the window behind her into the kitchen, where her mom is huddled with mine.
"I think Rose told Tanya Denali, who is a junior counselor, and she spread it all over camp that I was a slut." Her voice gets quieter as she says that word. "Then none of the girls in my bunk would talk to me and none of the guys would leave me alone." Her shoulders shake and I hug my oldest friend, because even though she screwed up she doesn't deserve to be bullied. "He told me…" she backs out of our hug and takes a deep breath. "He told me he thought about me all the time and even though he and Rose had been together forever that he wasn't sure they would stay together. He said she was jealous of every girl he talked to."
"It seems like she was right to be," I say, carefully.
She frowns and I can tell that hadn't occurred to her. There's not much to say after that. When she leaves I retreat to my bedroom and let sleep give me a break from the misery.
*#*
Edward stays away until the night before the funeral. I find him in the backyard, laid out on one of the pool loungers like it's any other evening. I sit in the chair next to him, staring at the smooth surface of the water, imagining that Ben could break the surface any second, grinning. I turn my head to look at Edward, taking in his bloodshot eyes. He looks unwell; hollowed out. Like my parents look. Like I probably look.
"Are you okay?" I ask, even though I know he isn't and I'm not, either.
He shakes his head and fresh tears roll down his cheeks, but he doesn't move to wipe them away. I reach across the space between us and take his hand, which makes him cry harder. He takes deep breaths, holding them and exhaling slowly. It's several minutes before he can speak.
"What are we supposed to do now?" he asked, his voice breaking.
I don't have an answer. I just want to feel something, anything, other than this.
I move on top of him, my fingers on his neck and chest, pulling myself closer and pressing hard into his lips, needing so much more than this from him. It takes him a minute to respond, but I make a desperate noise and he sighs, sitting up and pulling me flush to him, his hand on my lower back. He kisses me properly then, one hand on the back of my neck and the other holding my body tightly. I don't even mean to but I moan into his mouth it's such a good feeling and I needed a good feeling so badly. My knees tighten at his sides and I dig my fingers into his shoulders hard, wishing he would do the same so I could feel this more. So I could feel this hurt and this pleasure on my body instead of inside my chest. I realize I'm ready for more than this.
I'm ready right now.
When I sit back to unzip my hoodie he wraps his hands around my wrists, though, shaking his head.
"My parents went to bed," I say, reaching down again for my zipper. His hands stop me.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
I take a few deep breaths. "I'm ready."
"Bella…" he drops my hands and leans back into the chair, rubbing his hands over his face. I look him over. He's wearing an expensive hooded sweatshirt and I know the cologne he's wearing is designer, but his old skate shoes are worn in and scuffed. I play the tape forward, into his future and see him back in his school uniform next year. I see him going to parties and prom and tossing his cap at graduation, smiling. Ben won't be there for any of that. Neither will I.
"Make me feel better, Edward," I whisper.
"Not like this," he says. He sounds so broken I don't argue. I don't say anything at all.
He pulls me to him and I rest my head on his chest, staring at the house that we'll pack up and move out of within the week. I stare at my old life, knowing I can't take it with me. I can't say that to Edward, though. So instead I kiss him again, for as long as he lets me.
*#*
The funeral is a waking nightmare. I hate the pastor and his platitudes. I hate the sea of black clothing and the uptight scripture. I know Rose, Jasper and Edward are in the row behind us but I don't turn back, afraid of what I'll find if I do. Ben would have been shifting in his seat and checking his watch. He would have shared his gum with me and drawn cartoons on the back of the program to make me laugh. It's not until the organist starts playing _ that I let myself consider the fact that my smart, irreverent, handsome, unpredictable big brother is really in the coffin at the front of the church.
And then I completely fall apart.
*#*
I've never understood how people can eat after funerals. From here I can hear the din of a few hundred people socializing after briefly grieving my brother's death and I realize that for many of them the grief is over. They can eat now. They might go home with heavy hearts but by tonight they'll be back to watching their favorite sitcoms and laughing along with the laugh tracks. Tomorrow they'll wake up and they might think of Ben a few times but the grief will fade and in a day or week or month or two they won't think of him at all. I'm frozen in this thought, staring at the floor. This grief can't be shared. Not really.
Jasper and Edward find me after the service, where I'm sitting, hidden in an alcove outside the church's fellowship hall, unable to bring myself to go in.
Edward sits with his arm and leg pressed against mine and Jasper sits on the bench across from us, checking the hallway before pulling a flask out of the breast pocket of his suit. I hold my hand out for it and he gives me a small grin. His eyes are red and swollen, just like mine.
I take a sip and struggle to swallow. "What is this, gin?" I ask, cringing. He just smirks and nods for me to pass it to Edward.
"How are you feeling?" Edward asks, sipping the flask and tossing it back to Jasper.
I sigh, briefly reliving my crying outburst in the sanctuary. "I think I'm done crying for now. My mom gave me a valium," I say.
"I would kill for a valium," Jasper says, his head leaned back against the wall, eyes closed.
"Where's Rose?" I ask.
Jasper slowly shakes his head. "Long gone."
I listen to my friends, family and neighbors in the fellowship hall. I honestly want to be anywhere else in the world at this moment. Edward's eyes are closed, too. I wonder if either of them have really slept in the past few days.
"Can we get out of here?" I ask.
Jasper raises his eyebrows. Edward gives me a half grin.
My parents don't try very hard to stop me. On the way out Angela yells my name, running up behind me as I'm about to reach the church doors. "Where are you going?"
"I don't know," I answer honestly. She follows my gaze to where Jasper and Edward are waiting for me in the parking lot by his Range Rover.
"Oh," she says, when she sees Jasper. "I'll call you later," she says. I think I'm supposed to feel bad for leaving her, but I'm having trouble accessing that emotion at the moment.
Jasper gives me shotgun, which is the most selfless thing I've ever seen him do. I dig through my coat pocket and pull out an orange pill bottle, tossing it to him in the backseat.
"Fuck yes," he says, immediately popping off the top. Edward rolls his eyes but takes the pill Jasper hands him.
"What should we do?" Edward asks.
I stare out the window, watching the grey sky slide by over the city. Of course it would be cloudy today. I look down at my short black dress and heels.
"We're going to need to change," I say. Edward flips on his blinker, turning towards my house. He looks at me with a question on his face.
I shrug. "We're gonna have a bonfire."
*#*
Word spreads fast and by the time the sun sets there are at least fifty of our friends at the river. We run out of alcohol fast but it seems like more just keeps arriving along with more people who knew Ben. Who loved Ben. We hug and tell stories. Toasts are raised. Tears are shed. It's loud and messy and exactly the way Ben would have wanted it.
Edward doesn't leave my side and neither does Jasper, which I don't expect. I suppose everyone's just afraid I might start crying again. Jasper hands me a drink in a red cup and it makes me feel better than I have in days, like I might be able to survive this.
By the time Angela shows up my sadness is warmed up by vodka and valium. I'm feeling generous and forgiving. I tell her so.
"I forgive you."
Her reaction isn't what I expected. She makes a face. "I didn't know you needed to forgive me," she says, hesitantly.
"This is kind of your fault," I say, almost like I'm joking. I'm not, though, and as the words come out of my mouth I know I'll regret saying them, but I can't stop myself. Edward and Jasper are listening, I can tell. Angela doesn't move. "He loved Rose. He was trying to make it right but they were fighting that day…over you…it's why he went up to the beehive."
Angela blinks rapidly. I suddenly feel incensed that she doesn't know the turmoil she left in her wake.
"I mean, you had sex with my brother and then the next morning you got on the bus to go to church camp." It's not until I notice that the whole bonfire is quiet that I realize I'm yelling. "And you left the rest of us to deal with the mess." I wave my hand towards the cliffs. "This is the mess."
Edward is behind me then, pulling at my arm as I stare down Angela. Jasper is watching with his mouth hanging open, eyes wide.
"I was wrong. I can't forgive you, Angela." I say this part quietly, just to her.
I rip my arm away from Edward and walk towards the water. He's right behind me when I get to the edge, stopping where the bank ends and the water runs past. There's a bonfire on the other side. I bet from there it looks like we're having a party. I bet it looks like fun.
The festivities resume behind us. I don't look back to see if Angela left.
"That was shitty, Bella," Edward says. He stands next to me with his hands in his pockets.
I watch light from the fire dance on the surface of the water. "Yeah," I agree.
"Ben always made everything better," I say, after a minute. "I don't know how to do that."
I realize there's still a drink in my hand and take a sip. It's possible this will be my last party here. I finish the drink quickly and turn back to the bonfire, looking for Jasper. Might as well go out in a blaze of glory. Edward grabs my hand and for a second I return to my body, grounded by his steady gaze and green eyes, heavy with fatigue.
"Do you want me to take you home?" he asks.
I should tell him that it won't be my home for long but instead I shake my head. "Not yet. Ben would call me lame."
Edward smiles. "He would call you worse than that."
It's then that the past tense catches up with me, knocking the air out of my chest. I don't know it yet but I'll get used to that feeling. We find Jasper and he refills my cup. He's drunk now and jovial, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
By the time we leave Jasper and I are best friends and Edward is our chauffeur, not that he seems to mind. At my house he gets out to walk me in. I'm stumbling over my feet. I drop my keys and can't stop giggling. My parents are thankfully asleep so he pretty much carries me to my room, laying me down on the bed and unlacing my boots. Afterward he runs his thumb over my cheek and kisses me sweetly. I pull him in and kiss him not-so-sweetly, my hands tangling in his hair and tears welling behind my eyes, because I know I'm saying goodbye.
I cry myself to sleep.
In the morning I start packing.
*#*
I'm haunted. At my new school I speak only when absolutely necessary. No one knows that I used to be mouthy and defiant. No one knows I started food fights and spent a lot of time in the principal's office. Here I sit in the front of the class and do all of my homework and no one suspects that this isn't actually me sitting here. No one knows I'm a ghost.
I meet Alice accidentally, on purpose. I'd been watching her in trigonometry since I transferred. She banters with the teacher and suffers no fools, reminding me a little of myself in my former life. My rebellious years are over, though, I think, until I see Alice sneaking out the side door of the locker room before gym class. Scanning the rows of lockers and finding no one watching, I follow her around the side of the building and across the grounds as she darts to the alley of the adjacent houses. She's halfway to the main road when she hears my footsteps behind her and turns.
"Hey," she says, cocking her head to the side. "Are you following me?"
I opt for honesty. "Yes."
She narrows her eyes. "Are you a narc?"
That makes me laugh out loud. "Definitely not." I kick at the pavement, embarrassed. "I'm new and you seem cool. I also just really hate the gym uniforms," I say, glancing behind me. I hope I don't get in too much trouble for ditching, but it's possible that here no one will notice or really care.
Alice takes a long look at me, a confused smile on her face. Her brow unfurrows, though, and she jerks her head in the direction she was heading. "Let's go, then."
I run to catch up and fall in step with her.
"I'm Alice," she says.
"Bella Swan" I say, giving her a small smile.
"Oh," she says, recognition in her voice.
I decide to slide right past that, though. "Where are we going?"
"To the best coffee shop you've ever been to," she says, confidently. "Please tell me you drink coffee."
"I do." I don't, but I vow to start, right now. There's something about Alice that I'm drawn to, a warmth that radiates from her being and makes me feel safe.
"Good. Emmett is meeting us."
Just like that, she lets me be part of her life, without questioning how I found her or where I came from. Eventually I'll share more about my story but she never pushes or prods. She lets me be moody and quiet sometimes but she's there to grab my hand and pull me back into the sunshine when things get really black.
I think about Edward all the time, of course. I don't call, though, and he doesn't either even though our new number is listed. I checked. There's a point where it stops hurting so much to have lost him. Maybe because I can't see what his life looks like now. If I were still in my old room in my old school with my old friends I would feel the loss like a missing digit but it's impossible to imagine that life now without Ben, so I don't. I try, instead, to create myself all over again, brand new. I try not to be the same person I was on the other side of the river at all. I'm better, I think.
Ben probably wouldn't even recognize me.