CHIMERA MYTHOS PRESENTS: NOAH'S ARK – THE COSMIC TOILET FLOOD EDITION
(A tale of divine stupidity, screaming prophets, and a board with a nail in it.)
ACT 1: YALDABAOTH'S COSMIC BATHROOM INCIDENT
Ancient Israel.
Noah stands on a large hill, blissfully unaware that the world is about to get wrecked.
Then, a loud crack of thunder shakes the sky.
YALDABAOTH: "AAAAYYYYYYY! WHAT'S FRIGGIN' HAPPENIN'?!"
Noah falls to his knees in reverence.
The sky itself rumbles as Yaldabaoth speaks.
YALDABAOTH: "LISTEN UP, YA FRIGGIN' NERD! THERE'S GONNA BE A BIGASS FLOOD COMIN' YO WAY, AND YA BETTER BE READY!"
NOAH: "Oh damn! Is this divine punishment for the wickedness of man?!"
YALDABAOTH (sweating): "Uhhh… YEAH, SURE! LET'S ROLL WITH THAT!"
NOAH: "Is there something you're not telling me, O Lord?"
YALDABAOTH: "IT'S DIVINE FRIGGIN' PUNISHMENT AND HAS *NOTHING* TO DO WITH ME CLOGGIN' A TOILET! ALRIGHT?! NO MORE QUESTIONS, YA FRIGGIN' NERD!"*
Noah shrugs and just rolls with it.
YALDABAOTH: "ANYWAYS, YA GOTTA BUILD YOURSELF A BIGASS, EXTRA KICKASS BOAT TO HOLD TWO OF EACH ANIMAL… AND I GUESS YO FAMILY TOO."
NOAH: "Um… Lord? Do you mean an ark?"
YALDABAOTH (pauses for an uncomfortably long time): "…ALRIGHT, SMARTASS! WILL IT FLOAT? WILL IT CARRY SHIT? THEN IT'S A *FRIGGIN' BOAT!* NOW GET FRIGGIN' TO IT!"*
With that, Yaldabaoth returns to the abyss, still grumbling.
YALDABAOTH (muttering to himself): "Ooooooohhh look at me! I'm Noah! I'm a friggin' nerd! 'Boat? Don't you mean ARK?!' IT'S THE SAME FRIGGIN' THING! FRIGGIN' JACKASS!"
ACT 2: NOAH BUILDS A BOAT (ARK? BOAT? WHATEVER.)
After weeks of labor, Noah finally finishes the ark. Just as he's loading the animals, Norea storms up the hill.
NOREA: "NOAH! LET ME ON THE—"
NOAH: "IT'S AN ARK! NOT A BOAT!"
NOREA (deadpan): "…It's the same damn thing, Noah."
NOAH (stomping his feet like a toddler): "NO IT'S NOT! ARKS CARRY LIFE OR DIVINE CRAP! BOATS ARE FOR FISHING, AND WE AIN'T FISHING!"
NOREA: "THERE IS NOTHING DIVINE ABOUT BEING TRAPPED IN A FLOATING WOODEN BOX FULL OF ANIMAL SHIT FOR 40 DAYS! BUT I GUESS THAT MAKES IT LITERAL *DIVINE CRAP!*"*
NOAH (red in the face): "AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! SHUT UP, NOREA!"
NOREA: "HAVE YOU EVEN *ASKED* YOURSELF WHY YALDABAOTH IS FLOODING THE WORLD?!"*
NOAH: "IT'S DIVINE PUNISHMENT FOR THE WICKEDNESS OF MA—"
NOREA: "HE CLOGGED HIS OWN DAMN TOILET AND MADE UP THE 'DIVINE PUNISHMENT' CRAP TO COVER HIS ASS!"
NOAH (stunned, blinking rapidly): "…That means—"
NOREA: "THAT MEANS THE FLOOD IS *YALDABAOTH'S F*ING SHIT WATER!*"*
Noah stares in horror.
Then, with renewed panic, he starts hammering on the ark even harder.
NOAH: "ALRIGHT, THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN DIVINE PUNISHMENT—GET IN THE DAMN BOAT!"
ACT 3: ARCHONS IN A CHRYSLER 300 & THE BOARD WITH A NAIL IN IT
Suddenly, Noah's Ark catches fire.
NOAH (falling to his knees): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU MANIACS! YOU BURNED IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
The sky *darkens.* Yaldabaoth notices.
YALDABAOTH: "OH WHAT THE FRIGGIN' HELL IS DIS CRAP?! I SAID BUILD A BOAT, NOT START DA WORLD'S BIGGEST BONFIRE!"
NOREA (yelling up at the sky): "HEY, YALDY! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL NOAH THE TRUTH?!"
YALDABAOTH (mocking her): "OOOOH LOOK AT ME! I'M NOREA! I'M SUCH A GOODIE GOODIE TWO-SHOE NERD! MY BEST FRIEND IS A FRIGGIN' COSMIC LIGHTBULB!"
NOREA: "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
YALDABAOTH: "YA KNOW WHAT?! ARCHONS, KICK HER FRIGGIN' ASS!"
A cosmic Chrysler 300 pulls up.
The doors open. Greasy-looking Archons wearing slick mobster suits step out.
ABRAXAS (cracks knuckles): "Alright, boys! The boss wants us to rough up this broad, capiche?"
ARCHON VINNY: "Yeah, let's mess her up real nice!"
NOREA: "AH, NO! YOU CLOWNS ARE GONNA PAY FOR VIOLATING MY MOTHER!"
ABRAXAS (confused): "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, LADY! WHAT DA HELL YA TALKIN' ABOUT?! YA THINK WE DID WHAT TO EVE?!"
ARCHON VINNY: "YEAH, WE JUST THREW SOME LEGOS ON THE GROUND WHEN SHE WAS LEAVIN' EDEN! THAT'S IT!"
ABRAXAS (smugly): "SOUNDS LIKE *YOU'RE* THE ONE THINKIN' ABOUT MESSED-UP STUFF, MISS 'PROJECTING' OVER HERE!"*
NOREA: "OH, I'LL SHOW YOU PROJECTING!"
She pulls out a BOARD WITH A NAIL IN IT.
The Archons scream in terror.
ABRAXAS: "OH SHIT! RUN, BOYS! SHE'S GOT A BOARD WITH A NAIL IN IT! THE BOSS MAN DIDN'T PREPARE US FOR THIS!"
They pile into the Chrysler and speed off.
Norea chases them down, beating the hell out of them.
ACT 4: THE FLOOD & GNOSIS SUCKS
Noah rebuilds the ark just in time.
The shit-water flood arrives.
After 40 days of screaming at his wife and kids over boat semantics and getting borderline high off the smell of elephant shit, the water subsided and the ark landed on Mount Ararat... Even though it was more crashing and exploding into the damn mountain causing animal shit, wood, and boards with nails in it to fly everywhere because Noah didn't know what to steer the fucking boat!
Meanwhile, Norea gets taken to the Pleroma.
She finds herself with Eleleth and the Monad.
MONAD (a cosmic floating lightbulb): "Dude… like… uh… if you divide by zero, you can, like… uh… achieve gnosis, man."
NOREA: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"
OPHANIM (bursting in): "NOREA! BE NOT AFRAID! THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO—"
NOREA: "OH, SHUT THE F* UP, MAN!"*