She didn't see it at first. Too busy getting dressed for the day to really be paying that much attention. Yet she did catch Niylah looking at her with a mixture of pride and guilt. Try as she might Clarke couldn't figure out what she might have done in the span of waking up to make Niylah feel like that.
While brushing her hair she was replaying all of her interactions with her partner over in her mind when she finally caught a glimpse in the small mirror at what Niylah was so focused on.
"You marked me." Clarke shrieks catching sight of the purple splodges lining her neck. Large bruises contrasting vastly with her pale skin. her whole neck is an alignment of purples, black and dark blues. All marks left by Niylah feeling the need to wipe away all thoughts of Gaia holding a crush on her at one point. One of the few times Niylah has ever felt possessive over her. It's usually the other way. But she is not this bad.
The only way she would be able to hide the marks would be by wearing a scarf.
"By accident." Niylah weakly defends her actions mumbling while avoiding Clarke's enraged glare. While looking down at the ground Clarke can pick out the slight curling of Niylah's lips revealing just how sorry she really is about all this.
Sighing she looks back at the mirror moving it around her neck to get a better view of the very clear bright purple bruises completely marring her neck. "How the fuck am I meant to explain this to the others." She asks dropping the mirror in frustration.
If her hair was longer, she might have been able to use it as a cover but not now. And she doesn't owe a scarf or anything like that in order to hide it.
Niylah simply shrugs cringing with regret. "I don't know. I'm sorry I didn't think."
"Clearly." Clarke deadpans flopping back onto their furs. Maybe she could fake being ill. Stay away from everyone for a few days. Just long enough for them to fade and then she can go right back to work.
But no Jackson would come looking needing to make sure she was ok. That it wouldn't spread and infect anyone else. Though in theory she and Niylah are just as good in terms of medicine and if she has Niylah explain her situation saying she just caught a small bug or cold or something like that maybe Jackson wouldn't feel the need to come and check on her.
That could also mean that Niylah would be looking after her through her illness giving them a few days alone together without any interruptions... Maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all.
Niylah lays down next to her reaching out and interlacing their hands mumbling another apology pressing small kisses to each of her knuckles. "Maybe they won't notice." Niylah weakly offers earning another glare in return. "You said it yourself our friends are really oblivious. Maybe what will work in our favour now."
That would require something working in her favour. When has that ever happened before?
Curling into the older woman's body she nuzzles into her neck taking comfort in her embrace. Naturally, Niylah engulfs her in her arms pulling Clarke closer and burying her nose into the strands of Clarke's golden blonde hair.
"I'm still mad at you," Clarke mumbles into Niylah.
She feels Niylah's laugh rather than hears it. The Trikru woman vibrates under her tightening her grip on Clarke pressing more kisses into her hair. "I know." She replies in between kisses soothing the annoyance and worry building in Clarke. "I love you."
"I love you too," Clarke tells her without hesitation.
Sighing Clarke decides it's better to just get this over with rather than delaying the invertible. The faster she gets this done the faster they can all move on. Bracing herself Clarke follows behind Niylah as they head towards the campfire being the last to arrive.
Naturally, luck was not on her side as everyone took notice of her neck immediately. No one said anything right away, but she felt them all looking. She refused to meet their wondering gazes instead focusing on her bowl of food.
Time dragged on and the awkward silence was slowly getting to her when Murphy finally decided to be the one to break the silence. "Ok, Clarke..." He places his own bowl on the log next to him as everyone listens in anticipation. "What the fuck happened to your neck."
"I don't want to talk about it." She replies still refusing to look up from her bowl.
"It looks like you've been viciously attacked." Miller all so helpfully comments. Daring to look up she notices the worry in everyone's eyes as they stare at the purple around her neck. The judgement she feels being levelled at her has her avoiding their gaze's frustration building within her.
For years she took all their judgment, harsh glances and snide comments in silence for her actions. They never let her forget any time they perceived her as a failure or not good enough to be their leader never mind their friend.
Why does it feel like that again? Like she is the odd one out facing harsh critique over things that don't impact them, yet they still feel the need to make comments and observations.
Stabbing her wooden fork into the bowl with far more force then necessary. "I said," she grits out quietly, "I don't want to talk about it."
Whether it was the warning in her words, Niylah's silent pleading or the others for once respecting her boundaries the group shared one look with each other before dropping the subject. Jordan begins a conversation on the crops he has started to grow and their progress. She is barely hearing what he is saying over the beating of her own heart in her ears.
"They're not going to let this go are they." Clarke looks towards Niylah who shakes her head eyes with pleas of forgiveness. Losing her appetite, she passes her bowl to Niylah before getting up and heading towards where her first task is.
Highly aware that she as walks away all eyes are following after her. Apart of her wants to return to her tent and hideaway under the covers until every else dies down. She was very tempted to do that and avoid everyone for the rest of the day. However, this camp is nowhere near viable for her to just take time off. So, she gets on with today's task going over the inventory and making sure every is correct.
She begins with the medical supplies counting every they have managed to scavenge and marking off how much of each they still have. This is the easiest part of the job as no one, but her, Niylah and Jackson touch the medical supplies.
Food is a little more difficult as she has to make sure something is starting to spoil and make predictions on how long food will last should their hunting, fishing or farming fail. Other items such as hunting supplies involve her making sure there are always enough arrows counting out how many there are and separating the ones in poor condition making a note to have them remade. Same with fishing supplies, building supplies and everything else they need to survive.
Inventory is done once a week by two people. Meaning it doesn't take long until her partner of the day joins her. She greets Indra with a single nod as both of them continue with their jobs. No words were spoken as none were needed. She and Indra won't close per say and Indra was more respectful of her desire not to be asked questions.
Well, she says more respective but the truth most likely is that Indra simply doesn't care. Which she is more than happy to endure. Silence is preferable to being peppered with annoying questions.
Still every now and then she feels Indra's eyes lingering on her. The former general's thoughts still feel like screams in the silence. Yet Clarke can't figure out what Indra is thinking. It almost feels like concern pouring off of the other woman but that doesn't make much sense.
After what feels like hours they complete their tasks. Clarke sends Indra a quick smile in relief before she turns to head back to her tent to wait until lunch but is stopped by Indra's words. "No one blames you for suffering in silence Klark." Indra's words puncture the silence as Clarke stops in her actions but doesn't turn around. Her mind trying to wrap around where Indra is going with this.
Indra has never really been one for giving her pep talks. Octavia yes, of course. Lexa most certainly. Miller and Bellamy sure she could see it. But her... she's pretty sure Indra still kind of dislikes her. Not to mention she has no idea what she had done that warrants a pep talk.
That worries her more then anything.
"Most of us expected it." Sympathy is laced within Indra's voice yet Clarke remains still feeling more and more confused with each passing moment. "You have always taken on other people's burdens. But you don't have to shoulder everything on your own now. We're all a team. Talk to us if you find your mind going down the dark path. We are here for you Klark. Never doubt that."
Reaching out Indra places a comforting hand on Clarke's shoulder giving it a small squeeze in encouragement. A sweet gesture under different circumstances. Right now, though it just adds to the bizarreness of this whole thing.
And with those parting words, Indra takes her own leave as Clarke remains rooted in spot very confused about what the hell Indra was talking about. Dark thoughts... Why was Indra talking about her dark thoughts?
Not wanting to deal with anything else today Clarke skips lunch heading back to her tent. She should have just faked sickness this morning. Would have made everything easier. Knowing when she doesn't show up for lunch someone will come looking for her, and she decides to just play sick. She'll make up for it another day.
Unsurprisingly it's Niylah who comes looking for Clarke back in their tent. Upon entering their tent she flashes her partner a small smile about to happily greet her and explain the plan when Niylah ambushes her with, "They think you tried to kill yourself."
Clarke hears the words perfectly, but it takes more than a few seconds for them to fully register in her head. And even when they do it still takes her a second. "I'm sorry what."
Niylah drops down next to her. Her face revealing the truth of her words. "They think the bruising on your neck is from a rope." Guilt lingering in Niylah's voice.
"How did they all jump to that conclusion." She bursts out almost shouting. Out of everything they could have believed they all jumped to the attempted suicide option. What the actual fuck.
Niylah blankly stares at her. The same desolate look straining her eyes. "Because they have a general idea of what you've endured." Niylah takes her hand running her thumb in soothing circles along the back. "And Murphy may have mentioned you having tried to do it once before and helped you hide it from the others."
The from me was not spoken but filled the space between them.
"For fuck sake Murphy." She mutters tightening her grip on Niylah's hand. He had no right to bring that up. They had sworn to each other never to mention it. This was one of their secrets they should never mention. Not even between themselves.
How could he just blurt that out to everyone like it was nothing? Though her whole conversation with Indra makes a lot more sense now.
"So, it's true," Niylah states rather than asks. The truth of the matter was clear from Clarke's reaction. "You never told me about that."
Great now she has to have this conversation again with Niylah. "In my defence, I was drugged." She tries to joke but the whole thing falls flat.
"Still Klark." Niylah pushes needing to understand.
"Honestly, I forgot about it." She admits quietly. "We had so much going on it just slipped my mind." Everyone suffered from the effects of the red sun that day. However, everyone else tried to kill each other while her hatred leeched on the drug effect and brought out the worst voices rattling around in her head.
Niylah accepts the answer no doubt having heard the whole of what happened and knows that it wasn't just something she had decided to do but was more coerced into doing. "Are there any other times I don't know about."
Sadly, she has to take a moment to think about the question. There were a few times she had thought about doing it but never had the courage to do so. When her dad died and after the mountain were prime times for this. However, she and Niylah have already spoken about this. And that time in the desert before she found Madi.
The only time she could conjure up is that time, "I did beg to take Finn's place, but Lexa rejected my plea." Even that wasn't because she wanted to die but wanted to protect him. "Most other times that could be argued were just me risking my life, but I never actively went out of my way to kill myself. You were there for that time when we thought Madi was corrupted by the dark commander, and I've already told you about the desert."
She can't think of any other instances. Which is a good thing when you think about it.
"Gaia said you once told her if you lost Madi you would follow." Niylah gently utters knowing Madi's death is still a gaping hole in her heart that will never truly recover.
"I did." She admits remembering the conversation. "But I had you to hold onto. Niylah, I promise you I'm not going anywhere. Not like that at least." She swears hoping Niylah will believe her. That they won't go back to how it was at the start of their time here with Niylah watching her every movement like a hawk.
Niylah nods believing her in that regard at least. "But if you ever felt like that, would you tell me."
"How is this a conversation why are now having." Clark groans leaning into her hands. Stupid Murphy for opening his mouth, the stupid group from once again leaping to the wrong conclusion and a little be of stupidity directed towards Niylah for putting her in this situation in the first place. The bet doesn't seem like such a fun idea anymore.
"You didn't answer my question," Niylah calls her out.
Sighing deeply, she asks, "Would you believe me if I said yes."
"No."
She almost laughs at the expected answer. It's the same as her own. "Then you have your answer."
"Klark." Niylah tries to push but it is all too much. This has got far heavier than she wanted, dragging a whole of bad memories and feelings she would rather remain buried for now.
"Please Niylah. I don't want to talk about this." She sees the pleading look in Niylah's eyes. The desperate need to make sure they won't lose each other again. "Not at the moment." Clarke concedes really not looking forward to that conversation.
"Fine." Niylah seemingly sees how this is all getting to her. "But we will talk about this soon."
"I know."
Why couldn't everyone figure out that those marks were from Niylah? Why did they all have to think the worst possible thing about her and run with it? Refusing to go back out there and face everyone she sinks back into the furs dragging Niylah down with her. She won't go back out there and deal with their unneeded pity and endure the stares again. And she certainly isn't Niylah to leave her now. Instead, she cocoons herself into Niylah and the blankets vowing to never move from this spot again.