Aang is already up and feeding Appa some stacks of tall grass he's found. I move over to him and Appa, petting the side of Appa's muzzle, and I am filled with more longing for Kala. Sokka sits against a boulder, fiddling around with a necklace he's made out of flowers. I smile, knowing it's for Suki.
I lean against the side of Appa, closing my eyes, letting my mind be lulled into nothingness. The sounds of the ocean behind me, of Aang and Sokka talking about nothing, of the breeze through Appa's fur. There is nothing, nothing, better than the smell of a flying bison's fur, than the feeling of their fur through your fingers and against your face. There is nothing like the bond between a Sky Bison and their Air Nomad.
Eventually, it ends. The nothingness comes back into focus with Katara and Zuko coming up to Aang, Katara saying, "I need to borrow Appa."
Aang doesn't know about the turmoil within Katara. The push of being a good person and the pull for avenging her mother. Jokingly, he asks, "Why? Is it your turn to take a little field trip with Zuko?"
"Yes, it is," Katara says. I pull myself away from the lull of Appa's fur and move toward his face, to where Katara is standing very determined and Zuko has a sack slinged over his shoulder.
"Oh, what's going on?"
"We're going to find the man who took my mother from me."
Sokka sets his necklace down and stands, suddenly serious and solemn looking.
"Sokka told me the story of what happened," Zuko says. "I know who did it, and I know how to find him."
"Um. . . and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?"
Katara scoffs and shakes her head. "Ugh, I knew you wouldn't understand." She starts to walk away, but Aang calls her back.
"Wait! Stop! I do understand. You're feeling unbelievable pain and rage. How do you think I felt about the sandbenders when they stole Appa? How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?"
I want to point out that Katara didn't have the same beliefs as the Air Nomads did. That our loved ones that have passed will be reincarnated into something else, that the pain and suffering they felt was brief in this everlasting world. That all Katara knows is that someone - someone Zuko can find - killed her mother.
"She needs this, Aang. This is about getting closure and justice," Zuko says.
"I don't think so. I think it's about getting revenge."
"I think it's about finding answers," I say, butting in, still touching Appa's muzzle. "I think it's about getting answers for something that's haunted you for a long time. You can teach all you want about the two-headed rat-viper, but our parents were kept separate from us. We were raised by a village."
"Fine! Maybe it is! Maybe that's what I need! Maybe that's what he deserves!" Katara yells, still not facing us.
"Katara, you sound like Jet," Aang says, voice ever gentle.
"It's not the same! Jet attacked the innocent. This man - he's a monster." She turns around, facing Aang with a determined and fierce look on her face.
"Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right," Sokka says.
"Then you didn't love her the way I did!"
I wince, and Sokka looks hurt. "Katara!"
"The monks used to say that revenge is like a two-headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down, you're being poisoned yourself," Aang says.
"That's cute, but this isn't air temple preschool," Zuko says. "It's the real world."
"Zuko," I say, trying to be the middle man between two very opposing sides. "The Air Nomads had a point when they said stuff like that. That the act of killing someone will change you, affect you in a way that is akin to poison."
"Now that I know he's out there. . . now that I know we can find him, I feel like I have no choice."
"Katara, you do have a choice. Forgiveness," Aang says. But I have been in Katara's shoes. Or, something close to that. The betrayal of something you thought you could never get over. And he's standing right there.
"That's the same as doing nothing!" Zuko says.
"No, if we didn't have choices, if we didn't believe in the capacity of forgiveness," I say, pointing at Zuko, still grounding myself with Appa's warmth, "I would've gone with Hakoda and the rest." Zuko looks at me, not having known that there was a choice within me. But there is always a choice. There is a choice to run away at the first docking of the boat, and then there is a choice to believe in the goodness of someone, even someone who has done you such an injustice as to kill someone you loved.
"It's hard to forgive," Aang adds.
"It's not just hard, it's impossible. And this is different from what Zuko did to you, Zia. This man killed my mother," Katara says. She turns away and walks away, passing our tent. Zuko follows her, giving me a sad glance over his shoulder.
Aang turns to look at me, and there is something like pleading in his stormy eyes. Pleading for help. I shrug. "Katara has a point, but I see where you're coming from too, Aang. We didn't have parents in the way that she did, and our beliefs are different. But all Katara knows right now is that her mother is dead, and it is because of one man. Well, it probably wasn't just one man, but a collective of choices made by the Fire Nation to eradicate culture after culture, until all that is left is fire."
"Wow, Zia," Sokka says, and it feels like he is just now really looking at me. After my speech last night, and right now in front of Appa.
"I don't think Katara has the capacity to kill," I add. "Sure, she's pretty angry. But she's just a kid. We're all just kids. Kids fighting a war, yeah, but look at us." I gesture at Aang, at Sokka and his necklace on the ground, and over at the other tents. "She needs this, more than you know. Because it has been a rock against her heart for years."
Aang nods. "I understand."
"No matter what anyone tries to tell either of them, Zuko and Katara are still going to go after him."
"I know."
I spend the majority of the day sparring with Suki in the open field near the camp. I unwind the necklace and ribbon from the top of the bo and use that against her. We're both in our prison clothes still, but we move with ease against each other.
Like sparring with Zuko, it is a dance. My bo meets the outer part of her arm, and her fist collides with my side, stepping into my space. I've thought this before, but the similarities between the Kyoshi Warriors fighting style and what I was taught with airbending are so great.
After sparring, I bring this point to Suki. I pass her a cup of tea, still steaming, that I made to help cool us down. Iroh's tea making skills and flavor palette bring me joy, and so does sharing them with other people.
"Why does a lot of the Kyoshi Warrior's fighting style resemble airbending? You use your opponent's force against them, and you have the fans which can boost airbending," I ask.
"We base everything about the Kyoshi Warriors on Avatar Kyoshi herself. She used the fans to boost her own bending, and they are an extension of our arm," Suki says, leaning against a rock. Sweat pools around my armpits and my back, but Suki looks happy sweating. "The fighting style is based on Avatar Kyoshi's friend, Rangi, who used an opponent's strength against them. It's not just an airbending technique. It's a technique for small people to get the upper hand."
I nod, saying, "The study of my fighting styles goes as far as airbending and ends with watching Zuko practice on the ship." I laugh, sitting down next to her and leaning against the other side of the rock.
"He's a powerhouse."
"I don't think he always was. That's why he has the broadswords. To improve his chances against stronger benders." I pause, wondering how much to tell Suki. "But he doesn't pick up on other fighting styles quickly. I spent months teaching him how to use his opponent's strength against them, to circle around them, and he never really figured it out. He's too headstrong."
"Who knows, maybe he'll use it against you and you'll never see it coming. A secret move that only you taught him, that he keeps ready to use against you," Suki comments, taking a sip of her tea.
"Well, he already did that, didn't he? Circling around my heart in Ba Sing Se, to leave me imprisoned on the Boiling Rock."
"I saw you two talking. You don't seem as angry about it anymore."
I pause, holding my cup in my hands. I think of Iroh, and I think of Katara and Zuko and all these people that let anger and rage hold their emotions. "I'm trying not to be. He's trying, I can tell." After a longer pause, I say, "Iroh would want me to let it go. To let the anger go. I mean, Aang trusts him. But I can't get close to him like before. I - I don't want my heart to be broken like that again."
I put so much thought and effort and emotion into my growing feelings for Zuko, into the love that I felt, into the smile that was so much effort to get but so heart melting.
"Maybe when the war is over. Sozin's Comet is coming soon."
"They aren't fighting Ozai until after the comet," Suki says, waving her hand. "Sokka says Aang doesn't think he's ready, and after the failure on Day of Black Sun, I think they want to shore up their defenses and plan better."
"Didn't a lot of planning go into Day of Black Sun?"
"Azula found out, because the Earth King told her, thinking she was a Kyoshi Warrior. So the Fire Nation knew. And they hid."
"What if the Fire Lord plans to do something like the last time Sozin's Comet was here? What if he plans to take out the Water Tribe because that's where the next Avatar will be? Or the entirety of the Earth Kingdom because they are his strongest opponent?"
I see Suki shrug, and she says, "We don't really know. We don't have an inside source."
"We can ask Zuko." I stand, remembering him saying he was treated like a prince, he got everything he wanted. What if everything he wanted was a war meeting?
Suki looks up at me, eyes wide. "If they're going to wait, Suki, what if waiting brings about the end of the world? And millions of people are killed? If waiting, because we have no information, brings devastation, because doing nothing was our course of action? If we had another chance to stop the Fire Lord, before this devastation, isn't that worth something?"
"I'm not saying it isn't," Suki says. "I think Aang and everyone assumed the Fire Nation weren't going to do anything on the comet day."
"When have you ever known the Fire Nation to sit around and do nothing?"
"You have a good point." Suki stands as well.
"I'll ask Zuko."
We don't find Zuko. Or Katara. But I find Aang, hunched behind the rock Sokka was leaning against earlier. I don't bother him with my thoughts on the Fire Nation, because Aang has a lot of other things to worry about. I shake my head at Suki and we move back around to the campsite. Sokka is there, and him and Suki share a smile. I feel like I'm interrupting, so I go hide in my own tent, waiting for dinner to come.