Chapter 5

Fix You

Next Day (Wednesday)

I've dealt with nightmares for so long now that peaceful sleep has become an estranged memory. I led myself to believe that I'll have to deal with restlessness for the rest of my life. And even though I was prepared to live with them perhaps forever, it seems I'll never get used to them. I still wake up panting from a horrid dream, and a void slowly captivates me.

A few nights ago, after the call with Eddie, I was somewhat better. The nightmares still lurked around, but I remembered his soft breathing and his patience, and that calmed me. I knew then that I wasn't alone. I could depend on somebody, and that thought alone brought an immense relief.

And maybe all that was necessary to calm me down was his soothing voice and the knowledge that there's someone I can lean on. That I don't have to fight this battle all by myself. And that's all I need. His soft and sweet voice trying to comfort me. My mother had her own battles to fight with, I didn't want to be a burden.

Small drips of sweat were slowly flowing down my forehead, and I felt my heart rage against my chest. I had another nightmare. The vivid images rehashed. Each time more vigorous. I attempted to swallow all my fears away, all the torment the images had brought. But they came back, each one more powerful than before. My body trembled and I found myself trying to restrain the tears and the muffled cries. And the only thing that could bring me back to sanity was his voice. The genuine kindness laced in his heartwarming voice.

"Breathe." He coaxed gently.

I clenched my teeth and slowly tried to relax. I clutched the phone and leisurely inhaled and exhaled. I listened intently to his controlled breathing. He patiently waited for me to repose. I shook my head and embraced my knees closer to my body as I found the floor frigid. I grabbed my legs and hugged them tighter. Eddie sighed, the worry radiating from the phone was almost tangible.

"Loren," he began to say. "Another nightmare." I cut him off. I bit my bottom lip a little too rough, causing some swelling.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just can't sleep."

I cast my eyes down and darkness drowned me. All the lights were off, the curtains deprived the room of moonlight. My eyes stayed shut. I trembled in fear, afraid that at any moment, all my nightmares would become reality. At any instant, Trent could be pinning me down on the wall, choking me to death and I couldn't be saved. I wished Eddie were with me right now. I longed for his warm embrace, holding me tight, and protecting me from the darkness.

"No, that's not it, is it? What are you holding back?"

Everything. I wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn't. I didn't want to scare him away.

"I just need someone to talk to." That was half-truth. I wanted to say I needed him.

"Let me help you."

Eddie sounded so desperate and honest. I let the sincerity in his words sink in as his breathing hitched. "This is not just some nightmare that has you calling me at four in the morning. Please, tell me what's wrong."

Looking up at the ceiling, I was again taken captive by the pool of darkness. "I'm sorry," I muttered.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"For calling you at this hour." He sighed resigned. "I don't really have anyone else to talk to." And you're the only one I want to talk to.

Eddie was quiet, then he spoke a little louder. "I'll always be here if you ever need to talk. I don't care what time you call me or what the reason may be, I'll be ready to help in any way I can, but" I couldn't bear to hear how torn he sounded, "the only way I can do so is if you tell me what's wrong. I want to help you, but I don't know how."

A small smile lingered, and I carefully stood up. "All I need right now is someone to lean on for a while. This will pass. Thank you, Eddie, you're a good, " I looked down and thought of what to say, "friend."

Because that's what we are, right? Friends.

"Yeah. Friends help other friends." Eddie said in a hushed monotone voice. I nodded and walked towards my bed. The rigid cold floor sent shivers down my spine, and I sighed in satisfaction when I laid on my bed. I pulled the covers up and frowned when warmth didn't find me faster. I laid there, intently listening to his soft intakes of breath as it was the only thing that could calm me down. I slowly exhaled and inhaled. Eddie sighed.

"I'm not giving up."

"On what?"

"You."

I closed my eyes, and he exhaled, not quite sighing.

"You're not getting rid of me so easily, Tate. I'm here for the long run."

I held my breath and bit my swollen bottom lip. "But what if you did?" I wanted to ask. Sullenness followed.

"Bye, Eddie."

He exhaled. "I'll talk to you later, beautiful."

I hung up and placed the phone on my chest. I grasped it and opened my eyes to only find myself surrounded by an abyss of total blackness.

I called him again. I woke up with the tormenting images beholding me and I automatically thought of him and only him. And as soon as I heard his voice, a wave of relief engulfed me. All the harrowing illusions of Trent were soon replaced by him. It's like he is the only one who can bring me back. I can't let this continue. I looked up at the ceiling. Complete obscurity.

I cannot in any way become attached to him.

6:40 A.M.

I was putting on my baby blue hoodie when I heard the blaring laughter trailing from the living room to my room. A groan escaped after I immediately recognized who the boisterous laughter belonged to. I trudged to the kitchen, and I watched my mom attentively talk to the resonant owner.

"What are you doing here?"

"Good morning to you too."

I strolled past them and grabbed a plate from the cabinet. I served myself some eggs and toast my mom had made.

"Morning, honey."

I turned to my mom, and she smiled at me. I reciprocated it and Melissa waved her fork. I sat on the chair opposite her. I popped a piece of the omelet in my mouth and chewed slowly. I sensed my mother's gaze on me as she watched me eating. She didn't have to say anything, I knew what she was thinking. I ate all my lunch and dinner yesterday, and I was not fighting her to eat breakfast today. Suffice to say my appetite was back and she took notice. I sensed a pair of eyes observing me intently. I looked up to Melissa and she placed her fork on the plate.

"Do you hate me or something?"

"Yes."

"Jesus, Loren," My mom shot me a warning glare then smiled apologetically to Melissa, "she doesn't mean it."

"Actually, I do."

My mom shook her head. Melissa smiled. "She loves me. In fact, she is helplessly obsessed with me. Right, Loren?"

"Sure." I took another forkful of my food, and my mom looked between us. She stared at us trying to intercept our telepathic conversation. I couldn't help but question Melissa's sudden mischievous smile.

"So, how was your date?"

I rolled my eyes at her. I should've known she was going to ask. I had ignored her phone call yesterday and sent her a vague message when she texted me while I was still at the restaurant. "It wasn't a date."

"The pictures tell me otherwise."

"What pictures?"

Of course, pictures would be taken. He is Eddie Duran. The name meant so much to millions of girls out there. He lived the crazy life of a celebrity, followed by paparazzi everywhere who have nothing better to do but wait for his next movement and hope they get it on camera. Of course, he would be caught hanging out with a valley girl. I wondered how he took it. We were instantly bombarded by flashing cameras entering and leaving the restaurant. It was a swarm of flies coming at us. Eddie was pissed, I swear, but he had kept his hands tightly gripped on my arm, afraid that if he let me go, the camera people would gobble me up. I'm sure they would've if Eddie had lost his hold.

I was a bit disheartened that our time together, which I wanted to keep for myself, was no longer ours. The intimacy we shared yesterday belonged to the media to tear apart. Was this Eddie's life 24/7?

"You want to see them?"

I deliberated for a moment, but I shook my head. I swore to myself that I would not fall for Eddie and looking at those pictures would cause me to reminisce our time together yesterday and that would only add fuel to the flame I wanted to extinguish.

Melissa frowned. Surprisingly, she let it go.

"Wait, I want to see them."

I averted my gaze to my mother and Melissa handed her the phone. She took it and scrutinized the pictures. Her eyebrows pressed together as she scrolled past the endless array of pictures. It seemed that there were a lot of them. After a few moments, she returned the phone to Melissa and looked down at her plate. She spared me a glance and I looked intently at her reaction. She simply shrugged and drank her coffee. Melissa leaned back and smiled suggestively at me. I ignored her and she pouted. I refocused on my mom, and she was looking at something on my chest. I looked down and noticed the shining necklace.

"That's a beautiful necklace. Where did you get it?"

"Someone gave it to me."

I stabbed the last piece of the omelet with the fork and evaded her questioning gaze.

"Who?"

"Eddie Duran."

My mom sat silently. Melissa cleared her throat and I saw mischievous glint in her eyes.

"It was his mom's necklace, and he gave it to Loren."

I glared at her, and Melissa unapologetically shrugged me off. I stared at my mom from the corner of my eyes, she was facing Melissa. I saw her inhaled deeply. There was a look of astonishment on her face.

"That's" she began but stopped. Her eyes then landed on me and a smile began to form. Melissa grinned proudly and I raised an eyebrow at them, shifting my gaze between them.

"Why are you both looking at me like that?"

"Eddie Duran is stupidly into you."

10:00 A.M.

I walked through the hallway with ease as everyone made way for Melissa and me. Daggers were shot at me from every possible direction. I clutched on Melissa's arm as we strolled down the hallway and the other students couldn't keep their eyes away from us. Can they mind their own business? Melissa waved off their remarks and I did what I knew to do best: paid no attention to all their hostility.

Our way to the gym was blocked. Adriana Masters stood a few meters in front of us. She placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at us. Her blue-green eyes showed nothing but repulsion. Her long-sleeved lilac dress fit perfectly on her curvy body. Her long curly golden locks flowed flawlessly down. She looked like a doll and everything about her was meticulously placed; the way her hair was placed seemed precise with intent.

She smiled and her clique appeared as if in a queue. They stood behind her, like a decorative background trying to intimidate us. I sighed, getting tired of the same overplayed playbook. Melissa looked at them fiercely. She was completely unfazed by the hatred directed towards us. At that moment, I wanted some of Melissa's courage. I wanted to be able to look at Adriana in the eyes, as Melissa did, and hold my ground. At that moment, Melissa was my grounding source, a clutch that grounded me in place of Adriana's thunderstorm.

I nudged her arm, coaxing her to keep walking. She nodded, and when she looked at me, I saw that the ferocity in her eyes when she looked at Adriana was replaced with a kind gleam. We began walking towards them. She deliberately brushed her arm against Adriana and slightly pushed her back. A malicious smirk appeared over Adriana's faultless features, and I wondered where all that hate came from.

I turned away and the group walked away.

I became aware that Adriana was scheming something. Her vile eyes tell me that she's up to no good. I'll be her victim.Again.

Today, I came early to math. I was already sitting down when everyone came rushing in. I decided to sit in front of the class. I was looking outside of the window when I heard the chair next to me slide back. Instantly, I looked up to meet kind blue eyes. A warm smile appeared on his face. A pink twinge on his cheeks made his features seem delicate. I smiled politely and internally cursed since I had hoped it would be Melissa who sat next to me. I proceeded to stare off at the window. The bell rang and I was taken out of my trance. I slightly jumped, startled when I heard a low chuckle. I looked at Cameron and he nodded with a smile on his face. I looked at him for a few seconds before looking around the classroom trying to find Melissa. She was sitting three tables down from me. She waved at me and pointed at Cameron with confusion. I shrugged and turned around.

Ms. Fitz began the lesson, and I completely zoned out. I felt Cameron gently pat me on my arm, trying to grasp my attention. He passed me a small, folded paper. I grabbed it and opened it carefully; it was probably Melissa's. It wasn't. I read the nice writing and looked up at him stunned. His blush deepened but he wasn't looking at me.

What are you doing for Valentine's?

I picked up my mechanical pencil and wrote on it. I folded the paper and gave it back to him. I silently prayed that he didn't ask any more questions. I watched him from the corner of my eyes. He swiftly opened the paper and read the words. He looked at me disappointedly and crumbled the paper. I internally sighed and focused on what Ms. Fitz was ranting about this time. I unconsciously held the heart shaped jewelry, and a smile began to form. My mind wondered off without my permission.

A few years back- I think during my freshman year- I opened my locker and a pink envelope fell. I thought it was probably a boy professing his love to a girl in an attempt to be romantic, or a girl confessing her love to a boy and they got the wrong locker. But I shut my trap when I turned the envelope around, and there it was, in such nice handwriting,For Loren.I stood bewildered looking at the envelope. I looked around and thought, maybe the person got the wrong Loren. Then I read the letter inside and it started withLoren Tate. The letter itself wasn't professing anything to me. All it had was a place, a date, and an 'I'd like to get to know you' at the end. I didn't go to the place, which was a public park where there was a nice a set of swings where I had almost killed myself once because I told my mom to push me all the way to heaven. I didn't go because I thought it was one of Adriana's schemes.

The next year, on the same date, I opened my locker and there was another pink envelope. I didn't go to the public park again. On my junior year, the letter was given to me a week before Valentine's Day. The person had written 'Please think about coming'. At that, I did think of going. I was making my way towards the public park when Adriana stopped me halfway there. I had a mental breakdown from her attacks, and that was that. Later that week, I had reasoned that it wasn't a boy or girl wanting to meet me. It was all Adriana, and I fell into her trap.

I had remembered the writing so perfectly, and now I was sure it wasn't Adriana's. Then again, she probably got one of her friends to write it for her. The writing on the pink envelopes was strikingly like Cameron's. From the corner of my eyes, I watched him stretch the crumbled paper, pick up his pencil and scribble something. He placed it in front of me hesitantly. I read it and I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked. It read: 'I want to get to know you better'.

My eyes drifted to the fair boy beside me. His eyes were glistening with hope. His blue eyes suddenly transformed into sparkling brown eyes. And he was no longer Cameron. I saw Eddie. He was smiling confidently at me and a wink came. I blushed and lightly shook my head. I closed my eyes and held the heart shaped necklace again. I opened my eyes, and Cameron wasn't looking at me anymore. His attention was fixed somewhere else. I was about to say something to him, but he shrugged me away. I think he misunderstood when I shook my head. I gently grabbed the crumbled paper and folded it neatly, trying to diminish as many wrinkles as I could. I slid it down to him. He snapped his attention to it, stared at it, then swiftly got up to throw it away.

Everyone else was too busy drying to decode the alien language Ms. Fitz was writing on the board to notice the rising tension between us. He sat down and ignored me for the rest of the class. I was fine with it. I crossed my arms and tried to forget the whole ordeal. I tugged my hoodie closer to my body looking for warmth as the cold classroom air stole it from me. Next time, I will reserve a seat for Melissa.

I sighed in relief when the bell rang. Melissa walked towards my table, and I picked up all my belongings. I was putting my books away when I noticed Cameron spare me one last glance before rapidly exiting the room. I felt bad at my insensitivity. While I wasn't going to accept his Valentine proposal, I could have let him now more gently.

"Can we stop and get a milkshake from McDonalds?" I inquired as Melissa stood next to me.

"We can't. Hurry up. I have to drop you off before the clock hits 3 o'clock or Lisa will strangle me."

I chuckled and zipped my book bag. I checked my phone, and I had a missed call and a message. Good thing I put my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' mode. I opened the message and Melissa groaned.

Eddie: Can you meet me at our spot after school? I'll call a cab for you.

I read the text over and over, deliberating on whether I should go or not. And ignoring the quick jump my heart gave when I read his name. I made a point in the morning that I couldn't get attached to him. My heart gave a disappointed beat as I decided that I would not go.

"I'll take you."

My attention was drawn back to Melissa who had discreetly looked over at my message.

"No, I shouldn't."

"You're going. C'mon, hurry up."

"I don't want to go."

Melissa rolled her us at me. "Yes, you do. That little blush on your face tells me so."

She clutched my hand and dragged me out of the classroom and into the parking lot. I think I bumped into a certain blond boy on our way, but I'm not sure.

"Get out."

"No."

"Stop being so frustrating, that's my job."

"No."

"You can be very stubborn when you want to."

"I know."

"Now get out."

"I don't want to."

Melissa gave out an agitated sigh and pressed the horn of her car. I flinched at the loud noise. Then I remember that Eddie was just a few meters away from us. He hadn't noticed since Mel quietly drove up the hill. And now I can see his inhuman perfect-self walking towards the car. I groaned when he waved at us. Melissa unlocked the door, and I frowned helplessly as he opened the passenger door. My gaze landed on his and my heart betrayed me and beat unceremoniously fast.

"Eddie," I started, "This is Melissa. Melissa, Eddie."

Melissa smiled widely at the fact that Eddie Duran knew her name. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," he smiled warmly at Melissa. And although I wasn't looking at her, I could tell a blush was displayed on her face. I also heard a quiet gasp escape her.

"I would love to chit-chat and get to know the Eddie Duran, but I have to roll." She gave me a forceful push out of the car. I stumbled out and Eddie caught me before I fell on my head on the ground. I felt his hands tentatively hold my arms, as he helped me get up. I am going to murder Melissa the first chance I get.

"I'm going to murder you." I mumbled my thoughts. Melissa waved me off.

"Have fun kiddos."

"Bye." Eddie waved at her, and Melissa winked at us. I closed her door and shot her daggers as she drove away. I felt Eddie's hands on my shoulders, softly clutching them to hold me still. I noticed how my back leaned into his chest too comfortably. I was about to pull away, but Eddie was faster than me, he spun me around and I was suddenly drowning in his chocolate eyes.

"Hey, beautiful." He flashed me with a smile and I blinked startled. He looked so jovial.

His hand gently grazed over my cheek. A gesture he did as much as I allowed him, and honestly, I didn't mind it. He intertwined his hands with mine and we walked hand in hand. I noticed how his hold was a little tighter than the other times he held me. His fingers gently entwined in mine. I bit back a smile, but a blush on my face showed the feelings I wanted to eradicate.

"Whenever I come I here, I always think about the first time we met… Do you remember?"

I smiled fondly, reminiscing about the moment Eddie came into my life. I tightened my hold on his hand. "How can I forget the annoying guy who didn't leave when I asked him to?"

"And you were the stubborn girl who didn't want my company."

His smile brightened at the memory, and he gave my hand a soft squeeze. My gaze shifted to our interlocked hands and I found it funny how it wasn't awkward for us to hold hands so casually. It felt almost natural. The universe had aligned and pushed natural forces for us to meet once again. The universe conspired so he could touch me with so much delicacy and hold me with so much fervor. And I couldn't deny him his sweet touches and lingering smiles. All my hard work of putting off any contact with anybody seemed to fade away with him. With just one look, one smile, all my barriers and walls collapsed, making way for Eddie Duran to come into my thoughts and turn them upside down.

I'd like to say I hated it, but I couldn't bring myself to. Sometimes I would find myself craving for his touch, longing for his brown eyes to search my hazel ones. Was he confounded as I was?

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why did you give me your mother's necklace?"

He stopped for a moment. I stared at him curiously. Eddie's eyes searched mine, and when they did, they trailed down to the necklace. He looked at it and a smile began to take over. "Because I wanted you to have it."

"But it's your mother's."

"She gave it to me and now I'm giving it to you."

"It still doesn't explain why."

"It's what it signifies. I'll tell you some other time," he sighed. He didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to push him. "Just know that it's yours now." He looked away to a far, far place from here. I knew he was reminiscing about something painful and yet beautiful. Something he lost, and he longed for it to come back to him. I knew because I always got that look when I reminisced about a time when I had a loving father.

I wanted to give Eddie his space, so I gently took my hand back from his crushing grip. He didn't want to let me go. I felt him quickly grasp my hand back. A smile masked away his somber expression. He didn't want to let go just yet.

Eddie nervously scratched his head with his free hand. "So, you're still my Valentine?" I looked at him shyly and nodded my answer. "Good." He bluntly said with smile and then he went into a deep thought, "What do you do on Valentine?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"I never had a Valentine."

I snorted. "Okay.ThatI won't believe."

"No," he feigned being hurt, "I honestly never had one."

"What about your past girlfriends?"

"I have never been in a really long-term relationship that lasted through February 14th."

"Hm," I shrugged. "I don't know. I never had one either. I think you do dinners or buy each other gifts." I was pensive for a moment as I looked at the necklace. "You're one step ahead," I said as I held his mother's necklace with my hand.

"Ah, before I forget. I got something for you." Eddie reached behind his back pocket with his free hand. He pulled out a Hershey's chocolate bar and a pack of Skittles. "I didn't know if you were a chocolate or gummies sweets type of girl, so I bought you both. I almost squealed with delight and grabbed both. "I'm not picky with my sweets. Can I have both?" Eddie's laugh was so wonderful to my ears. "Yeah, I bought them for you." I almost devoured the chocolate like a fiend before I became conscious that Eddie was looking at me. He let my hand go, and I opened up the chocolate bar

"This made my day, thank you. I was craving a chocolate milkshake from McDonalds, but Melissa couldn't take me, and with my luck, their ice cream machines would have been broken." My straightforwardness surprised me for a second, but I didn't take it back. Eddie seemed to like it, and he continued to look at me as I popped in a chocolate square into my mouth. And because I don't think at all, I broke another chocolate square and pushed it towards Eddie's mouth. My entire body warmed up in embarrassment as I noticed our position. Eddie stood a foot away from me, and my hand with chocolate hovered mere centimeters near his mouth. He didn't move for a couple of seconds. I noticed his eyes shifted around me almost as if he was memorizing or taking in our current predicament, and then gently he leaned forward, opened his mouth, and accepted my chocolate offering. I felt his lips gently touch my fingertips, and for the first time my mind and heart agreed on something. I allowed my gaze to linger on his lips and I knew that he knew that I was ogling without shame. I memorized his full and wonderful lips, and I wondered for the hundredth time how they would feel against mine.

An embarrassing realization hit me, I enjoyed feeding Eddie.

I finished the rest of my chocolate in silence, avoiding his eyes. Eddie and I didn't move an inch, in fact I felt like we got closer than our original foot distance. I didn't offer him another chocolate square, even though I was very tempted to feed him another one. Something subconsciously told me that Eddie was anticipating I did just that.

To break our silence, I further dug myself into more embarrassment. "What would you like for Valentine's?" My face flushed furiously at the fact that he was my Valentine, and I was concerned about trivial things only a girlfriend or wife worried about. But friends could be each other's Valentine's, right? Like, Melissa would have been my Valentine by default if Eddie hadn't asked me. I ignored the disappointment, and the drop in my stomach of the thought that Eddie was simply being platonic with me. Why did I want more?

"I don't need anything material. All I want is to spend the day with you." He murmured. There was a blush on his face, but the wind was blowing harshly, and it was quite cold. Friends spend time together. I swallowed the feeling of disappointment that had built up in my throat. This makes it easier for me, I thought, not to become so attached. We are friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

I pushed away the fact that I was just un-shamefully fantasizing his lips on mine, and found out I liked feeding him, literally.

We had stopped walking, and we were soon in the presence of the view I had grown to love years ago. This place was once my sanctuary. I smiled. "It's been ages since I've last been here."

Eddie looked at me, contemplating something. "Why did you stop coming here?"

I sighed and shook my head. "A lot of things happened all at once. I lost track of time trying to keep up with sudden changes in my life." He didn't need to know that part of my life. Plus, I did not want to rehash those memories in front of him. I didn't want him to see just how broken I was. I didn't want him to see me weak. I didn't want his pity.

Eddie startled me when he gently pulled me into his arms. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around his torso. All the reasons why I should've pulled away vanished. I melted into his arms. I felt so safe, my eyes closed at the feeling. His face rested in the crook of my neck. I felt his breathing, slow and controlled.

He pulled me closer, and the distance between us became non-existent. I wanted to relish this moment, but I couldn't allow myself. Eddie could be gone in second, and where would that leave me? I reluctantly pushed him away. Eddie cleared his throat as I leaned against the ancient tree that's been there for as long as I could remember. I turned away from him to hide my watery eyes. I patted my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie. Eddie placed his hands in his pocket and sighed. I felt determination emanating from this kind, wonderful man.

"I'm keeping my word."

I bit my lip and restrained myself from launching myself into his arms. I kept my gaze away from him and looked at the horizon.

You can try to help me, I wanted to say, but how long will it be before you leave? How long will it be before you give up? There were just too many things I couldn't forget. There were too many things dragging me down. Everyone eventually leaves, I wanted to tell him, and I know you will too.

"I'm not giving up," he whispered, and I wanted to scream at him.There's nothing to fix. I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to hate him. But that was no longer possible. I wouldn't admit it now, but I was already falling.