Chapter 7

Who You Are

Friday

My arms wrapped tightly around my knees as they were firmly pressed against my body. The frigid floor sent goosebumps throughout my body. Tears were silently rolling down my cheeks. Millions of thoughts ran through my head, the scenes flashed back one by one. I tried to disperse them but to no avail, they sauntered.

Stupid, stupid girl. I should've known it was all too good to be true. He doesn't care. You're nothing.

What happened to all those times I felt wanted? What happened to all his words of affection, to all those times he showed that he cared for me? He made me feel like I wasn't completely alone. He made me feel like I could lean on somebody, that I don't have to fight this battle by myself. He lied and I was the stupid girl who believed him.

All his gestures, all his words were just sweet talk to get me to let him in. It was all a game. I've been kicked to the ground too many times; I have drowned so much in my own tears, and when I finally thought it was all ending, it slowly came back penetrating me into deep despair. Why can't I get out of it? What did I do wrong?

I'm not meant for a happy ending. Was this how my life will be? Disappointment after disappointment. It just took one heart break for me to drown again. It just took one setback for me to fall deeper again. It's because you're weak.

I'm back to square one. I'm suffocating. One stupid mistake, I let him in. One stupid mistake and I'm here again. No. The little meek voice in my head appeared again. It begged me to trust him, to call him, to believe him.

He didn't do it. It was a misunderstanding. It whispered it like a chant, like my life depended on it.

My mind was being pulled in different directions. It was angel versus devil, and I couldn't focus. It was all too overwhelming. I couldn't take it. I squeezed my head, begging the thoughts to quiet. For a moment, they did, and realization hit my chest.

I let him go, and he was gone.

He never cared.

I decided to take a long shower to wash the day away. It was a futile attempt, but I did feel better. I sat in front of my vanity mirror, scrutinizing every visible part of my body. My cheeks were rosy from the hot shower, and my wet hair clung to my cheeks. My eyes were blood shot red from all the crying I've done. My nose covered in red blotches from the snot I cleaned a million times.

I am so weak. One heart break, and this is how I get. I glared at my reflection in the mirror, and it glared back. I guess it can't be helped. I observed myself and slowly, my eyes closed. Time was infinite. The clock stopped ticking. And I loathed the million thoughts wondering inside my head, messing with my mind. Incoherent sounds escaped my mouth as I tried to prevent them from emerging. I swallowed all the emotion that was boiling in my stomach and up my throat. I had no more tears to give, and honestly, I was just so tired.

A sudden bang coming from just outside my door took me instantly away from reality. For a moment too long I was fourteen again, and back in that house. All the memories I've pushed down, all that pain trampled back to inflict pain."Sweetie..."I can still remember his hoarse voice almost as if he were still here; I could feel his clammy hands trailed up on my waist. His uncontrolled breath hovering next to my neck. I become frozen, a statue with a look of terror. Just when I thought it was all over, he always came back.

In a moment of panic, and perhaps need, I grabbed my phone and almost unblocked and dialed his number. I hovered over his name, before putting down my phone. No, I don't need him.

At that moment of hesitation, I felt the pain resonate on my back. The revolting memory made its grand entrance, and I shut my eyes instantly to counteract them. They slipped through and the nightmare flashed back, each memory stronger than the next. Each memory portraying his face filled with rage, redundant words escaped his mouth. Eyes shot red, stiff body, and hands brought up to the sky ready to lash at me. Once, he yelled in annoyance and fury. Second, the leather whip slashed against my back. I cried as the fresh blood oozed out. It rolled down my back and he stalked out of the room."I'm sorry. You know how I hate it when you don't do what you're told."He smiled and his perfect white teeth shone."But now you know better. Right, Sweetie?"And in an instant, he was gone, leaving me and my wound, marking my body forever.

Everything went blank. I slowly opened my eyes and there stood my reflection. It was staring straight at me, its chest heaving from the uncontrolled breathing.

"I'm sorry, honey, I dropped my hair dryer!" My mom yelled apologetically. I exhaled and slowly wrapped my arounds around my chest. I wanted Eddie's arms around me. I wanted his warmth to invade my space. I wanted his mouth next to my ears whispering words of affirmation that everything would be okay, reassuring me that I could make it through. I wanted him to secure me from danger; shield me from Trent's memories.

After some minutes, I slowly regained my composure as I breathed in the same tempo of Eddie's breath that I ingrained in my memory.

12:00 p.m.

I walked out of the house today without a single word said to my mother. I escaped as soon as I saw her interrogative and curious gaze. Her voice trailed behind me and completely faded once I had turned the corner. I haven't told her about what happened yesterday. If I do, I wouldn't know how to take the look of disappointment and her sweet words trying to comfort me.

It was my lunch period, and I decided to eat lunch in a secluded corner of the school's plaza. I sat quietly in a shaded corner away from everyone. I was concentrating on finishing the burrito and chips that were currently resting on my lap. Surprisingly, my appetite wasn't all gone due to the latest events. I think I've even gained two or three pounds since last week. I tapped the tray and contemplated leaving the school campus as I observed my surroundings. I cringed at the bright, pastel color encircling the entire school. Pink cards. Pink balloons. Pink plush toys. Pink clothes. Pink roses. Pinkeverything.Girls were shrieking in joy and flung their arms around boys. Guys held their girl's hand tightly and I realized what day today was.

I was supposed to spend the day with him today.

Although I kept my face blank from emotion, my mind was jumbled with thoughts. A memory made its way back and I was suddenly on top of that hill. Eddie was standing next to me, and he had that wonderful smile on his face. I watched as he had his undivided attention on me, his smile never vanished. I was too busy trying to ignore he was even there, my gaze was plastered on the sky, looking off into the blue horizon that I didn't notice the way he looked at me. I was so in denial I didn't understand that the unnamed emotion that swam in his eyes that I couldn't decipher was adoration.

Out of the blue I heard my name. I sighed in frustration and looked around. A group of girls caught my eye; they were located on top of the cafeteria's staircase. They were a few yards away from me and I noticed her impeccable golden curls standing in the middle of the group. My eyes landed on her blue ones. A smirk appeared on her face, and I looked away, not wanting to give her attention. The queasy feeling in my stomach gave me the impression that she was up to no good.

"Loren! There you are!"

A girl with a black and white polka dot dress stood in front of me. I took in her three-inch-high top boots and the metallic accessories on her wrists and neck. I looked up to meet her gaze and noticed the strong, black make up on her face. Her curly, brunette hair stood in a high ponytail.

I raised an eyebrow. "Melissa." She nodded with a smile of triumph. "At least someone recognizes me." I laughed mockingly. "You're making quite a statement today."

"I am," she said cheekily and straightened her dress. I picked up my bookbag and stood up. "So," she smiled suggestively, "Your mom called me yesterday and told me you went to your beau's apartment." I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second and began walking away from Melissa and her interrogation. She followed and caught up to me. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Really? C'mon something must've happened. I am adamant to believe that you went there to play pat-a-cake with him."

My face hardened and Melissa kept rambling. Her sentences, her incoherent thoughts of Eddie and me were making my head spin. I stopped all the sudden forcing her to stop talking and I felt her concern filled gaze.

"Lo, are you okay?"

"I'm good, just stop talking for a moment." I ran my hand through my hair, swallowed down my emotions for what felt like the 10th time today. Melissa was able to shut up and I nodded in gratitude.

She looked at me, "What happened yesterday?"

I smiled, trying to dissimilate my glistening eyes. "You were wrong about Eddie and me."

"What?" She said below a whisper.

"Eddie definitely has better things to do than fall for me."

"Loren-"

"It was all a lie, Mel," I choked. "You were wrong. He doesn't see me as more than a friend except a toy to play with."

I began walking away, but Melissa pulled me back. "Wait. What do you mean?"

"I saw him and Chloe Carter kissing."

Her eyes furrowed and she looked at me confused. "Okay. So, what happened next? Did he tell you what was happening or …?"

"He didn't need to. It was all obvious."

"Did she say something to you?"

"She told me that he was only using me and then Eddie kicked her out."

"Okay," She smiled nervously, "but you didn't believe her, right?" I couldn't find the words as she looked at me incredulously and her 100 questions a minute bombarded my train of thought. "What did Eddie say after she left?"

"Look, Mel, I have to go to class."

"No, you don't." She pushed me back and placed her hands on her hips. Disbelief was written all over her face. "We still have a couple more minutes before the bell rings." I sighed in frustration as she cornered me in the crevice of the wall.

"So, what you're telling me is that you went to Eddie's and found him and his ex kissing?" I didn't say a word, but didn't need to as she continued. "Which could be that Chloe went to Eddie's place unexpectedly and forced him into a kiss which is what you saw." I looked away from her. "And then Eddie kicked her out because she started spilling lies that you believed."

"How do you know she was lying? Maybe she was right."

She shut her eyes and sighed. "No. She's lying. I know people like her, and they would do anything to get what they want. I'm actually surprised that you didn't see through the lies she told you."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, that's too bad, Loren, because you're going to listen carefully to every word I say." Melissa looked at me with evident pain in her eyes. "So, did Eddie explain himself after she left? Did you listen to anything that he said? Loren, did you let him, or did you run away when you saw an opportunity?" Silence followed and Melissa got her answer. She nodded her head apprehensively. "I didn't know what to do, Mel." I whispered.

"I know, I can't imagine how you felt at that moment." She exhaled and glared back at me. "But you were unfair to him."

"Unfair?" I said incredulously. She nodded her head, no remorse nor regret in her next words. "Yes, unfair. You didn't let him explain. You didn't let him defend himself. You didn't face the situation and instead ran away."

She was right, but I wanted this conversation to be over. "Please, can we let this go."

"No. You need to face it, Loren. You know I'm right. Why you haven't called Eddie to talk to him is a mystery to me. Why you haven't gone back to his apartment and know the truth that he didn't mean to hurt you intentionally and it was all a mistake, a misunderstanding? Why can't you believe that someone out there truly cares for you?"

I couldn't tell that he explained himself, that he did offer an explanation as to what happened, but my stupid, jealous, and naïve head stubbornly didn't believe it now. I couldn't tell her that because she would crucifix me. And if was to be honest, I couldn't face him after running away from him again. Melissa was asking questions that I had no answers to. I swallowed the lump that accumulated in my throat, consisting of words and tears I sustained. And I acknowledged that we were in this situation because of me. Because I run away instead of facing problems head on, it's what I've always done. I had no idea how many times he called, how many messages and voicemails he's left. I have no idea because I turned off my phone as soon as I left that building.

"I'm scared." I said in an inaudible tone. Melissa still heard it. When I looked at her, a somber look brushed across her face. "I know you're scared, but you can't let fear get to you. You can't let it control your life because it will kill you slowly. Before you know it, you'll forget how to breathe."

I let out an exasperated laugh. "I forgot how to do a lot of things a very long time, Mel."

The bell rang and I was liberated from this agonizing moment that brought neither joy nor chocolate. Melissa didn't let me get off easily. "Don't let Eddie slip away." She said and I recalled those same words coming out of my mother's mouth.

I stalked off as soon as I could. Melissa didn't protest and followed me to AP Calculus. We had made a turn when we noticed a crowd surrounding the entrance of the class. Once our presence was known, a couple girls turned around and their eyes held mixture of envy, surprise, and joy. Guys looked at me from head to toe and I felt miniscule as they looked at me curiously, almost as if they were seeing me for the first time. They made way for us, and we walked in the middle of the crowd. "Talk about bunch of weirdos." Melissa whispered. I ignored her and began walking into the classroom.

Red. Bright red and the smell of sweetness inundated me. I stared at the baskets drowning in roses placed all over my unofficial desk. Next to the roses was a chocolate of assorted Gourmet chocolates, and peaking on the side, was a big bag of Sour Patch Kids gummies.

What. The. Hell.

"Loren, these are for you." My gaze averted to Ms. Fitz. She was standing by my desk staring at it. I expected complete annoyance to be present on her face, but instead, she was intrigued. I nodded nervously and turned back to look at bright red. Who in their right mind would do this?

Melissa let out a soft whistle. "Eddie Duran knows how to please a girl." I stood there astounded and startled that he would do this. In school. Today. Oh, crap.

"Oh, look he left a letter." Melissa pointed to a white envelope situated on the chocolate filled basket. "Are you going to get it or are you waiting for it to mystically float towards you?" I ignored her and walked a few feet to reach my desk that now was placement for these beautiful roses. I grabbed the enveloped and gently traced the elegant writing. I smiled fondly.

To: Loren

From: Eddie

"You've got to be kidding me!"

A high pitch voice screeched behind me. I wanted to groan when I recognized that voice.

"And the ugliest of them all appears." Melissa spat. "Go away Adriana. Don't you have a boyfriend to tend?"

"I'm not talking to you, what are you even supposed to be?"

"Isn't obvious. I'm representing your inner soul. Black, vile, and wicked."

I slowly turned around and confronted Adriana. She was shooting daggers at Melissa while Melissa was completely ignoring her. I began walking back to the entrance and felt countless eyes staring at me, watching every movement. I clutched the envelope and Adriana's eyes landed on it.

"What is that?"

"None of your business." I muttered.

"What did you say?"

I stopped in front of her, my gaze unfazed by herm a vicious smile. Although I looked fine, I was panicking inside. That smile meant nothing good. Even though I have gotten better at blocking her blows recently, Adriana Masters knew just what to say to put me on my knees. She's had enough practice over the years. I braced myself and I anticipated her next words. I knew how she was going to attack me. Was I ready? Not at all. I never was.

"It's kind of surprising that Eddie Duran hasn't grown bored of you." She took a step closer; I held my own. Melissa walked towards us, but I shook my head. I can handle her. "But I'm positive he'll eventually realize how useless you are."

She's the broken record always overusing the same insult. Why have I ever let her get to me? Perhaps because my wounds never healed, and because she never let me. It was always two steps back for every step forward. But enough, I am so tired of this. She was the repetitive living nightmare that never stopped tormenting me about my past.

"Do you honestly think he likes you for you? If I ask every single boy that comes to this school if they fuck you, they would all just throw you to the dump like the trash you are. You are not even worth a petty fuck."

Okay, that was a new insult. That hurt, but I held my ground.

"You're the dirt I walk on; you're the mosquito everyone kills," okay, this I can take, petty insults, "the only thing you're useful is to be the joke of the entire school. Do you honestly believe that Eddie cares for you? Well newsflashsweetie-" she enunciated the word, her malice laced around it, knowing how much it affected me. I knew where this was headed. I knew where she was aiming at; I knew where I would fall after this. But I didn't move, and I felt Melissa's presence become defined as she would tell Adriana to shut up and shout at me not to listen to her. But her words were sinking in. My blood was boiling, my heart was pumping hard, and my breathing was hitched. She still had a smirk on her face, her look of victory. "Nobody cares about you. I thought you knew that already I mean, after what happened to you." Don't fucking say it, I wanted to yell. Not any of that. I won't be able to take it.

"Adriana shut up!"

It wasn't Melissa's voice. It wasn't Eddie's, though I wish it was. Where's my savior? Can he still be called that after what happened?

"Go away, Cameron." Adriana hissed. but her gaze never left me. She continued to stare me down, demolishing what's left of me. And she proceeded to remind me of why I am like I am. Why am I so revolting to her eyes. Why she will never understand why Eddie chose me.

"Don't listen to her, Loren."

How can I not when she screams louder than my own silence? She doesn't know me. Guess what, neither do I. Because I thought I was stronger than this.

"You're just like your father." She said.Once, he yelled in annoyance and fury. Second, the leather whip slashed against my back, I cringed as the fresh blood oozed out. It rolled down my back and he stalked out of the room.The deep wound on my back; the antagonizing memories came back. One by one. Slowly at first and then in a rabid notion, they charged at me like Adriana.

"Eddie probably doesn't know your past, Tate. What was it exactly? Didn't your father abuse you and your mother? Oh, that's right; he beat you and your mom and treated you like trash because that's what you are. Isn't that, right?"

"Ms. Masters, one more word out of you, and you're suspended."

Ms. Fits intervened. Melissa stood beside me. I don't know what took them so long to react. Cameron grabbed Adriana's arm and tried to pull her away. Everybody was outside, and like every time, they didn't do anything but stand and watch the show. I wanted to fall and vanish from existence.

I wanted it to end.

"What? I'm just telling the truth. Can you let me go!" Cameron began dragging her away, but she was resistant. "Just remember Tate, you're nothing. Cameron, you're hurting me!" She flayed her arms and tried to rush back to me. "You're not wanted! Ow!" Her voice trailed down the hallway. "Don't listen to her, Lo." Melissa whispered. I clutched her arm for support. And all eyes were on me, and there was so much pity glaring at me.

"Loren, " Melissa gently patted my back reassuringly. I stood aghast; it was a miracle I was still standing. "Loren, look at me." And just when I thought that she was gone. She shouted. She screamed on the top of her lungs, and I ran.

That's what I did best. Run. Run away from my fears and never confront them. I let them linger within me and never let them go. I relived the past through my nightmares because I never learned how to let them go. Fear haunted me. Fear killed me. Fear overpowered me. Fear made me weak. I let fear do this to me. I let him do this to me.

I ran. I ran away from the haunted building, the place where I'm constantly tormented and when I think it's over, it comes back. I ran and Melissa was forced to stay behind. "Let her go." Ms. Fitz had said, "She needs to handle it by herself."

I ran home. I ran to the only place where I live with the only woman who truly cares for me and had to endure what I had to go through. She's the only one who understands what I'm going through. But she was able to let it go. She was able to face Trent and show him that he can't bring her down. And I'm the nuisance bogging her down.

When I made it home, I barged through the door into the living room and into my cave. The place where nightmares unfold. I stood in the middle of the room for a moment before throwing everything to the floor. The envelope was lost from my hands.

Scattered clothing. Scattered books. Scattered bed sheets. I threw everything to the floor. Rage took over me. Anger invaded my whole being. I was just so fucking weak. I violently tossed the books off the shelf. Items on top of the drawer tumbled on the floor. My body was shaking, my head was spinning, and my heart was beating fast. My mouth trembled. My hands opened and closed into fists. My eyes nictitated rapidly. Tears vigorously flowed down my cheek and there never seemed to be an end.

I gave up.

I leaned against the lavender wall and slowly slipped down onto the floor. I wrapped my arms around my knees and brought them closer to my body. Rocking back and forth, delirium was taking over me. Time was infinite. Time was endless. I don't how long I stayed there. I don't how long it took Melissa to find me. But when she did, she gasped at the scene and looked around. She looked for me. I was in the far corner of the room; tears were still running down my cheek, hysteria evident in my face. My body quivered, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, and I kept rocking back and forth.

Melissa kneeled beside me and a few tears slipped her eyes. She didn't attempt to wipe them. She extended her arm towards me but took it back. She was trying to reach out for me but knew it was hopeless. She choked and a silent sob escaped her mouth. I continued humming, rocking back and forth steadily along with my shaking body. She covered her mouth to stop the whimper.

"I'm okay." I said, trying to reassure her. She scooted closer to me. "Loren, please tell me how I can help you."

I was silent. I didn't mutter a word. My own thoughts consumed me, and I wanted nothing more but to escape.

"Loren, please, " She choked, and I kept my silence, "tell me what you need. I want to help you."

I fluttered my eyes, my vision cleared from the tears, my head stopped spinning, my body stopped trembling, my mind was relieved from everything. The voices in my head quieted down again, and I had the most liberating thought. Only one thing became clear.

"I need Eddie."