Breathe

I'm reckless.

I don't measure the consequences before taking action. Pure madness takes over and that's the reason why I'm where I am right now. My recklessness, my insanity got me to the state where the one person whom I wished would never see me in my state of hopelessness would be holding me ever so tightly. Afraid, terrified that if his grasp loosens by even a bit I just might disappear.

Will I?

And even if I would disappear, that'd be unacceptable to him. He's not planning on letting me go anytime soon. His arms hold me firmly, tightening every passing second. His rushed breathing is muffled against my neck; his body trembling violently. The ache on my stomach is condensing but I dismiss it and concentrate on the broken calls of my name. The echoes are confined in this piercing room. I inhale softly, attempting to ease the severe pain. My body gave out a shiver, and in seconds his head shot up in alarm. For a mere moment, his eyes scrutinized my face, averting ever so often to my pale lips. Within moments, he swiftly picked me up bridal style and carried me in his arms. Eddie delicately placed me on my bed.

No words were exchanged between us. In an instant, I was wrapped around with my thick comforter and Eddie stood in front of me. I swathed my quivering arms around my waist, hugging myself. My lips shuttered and my gaze averted upwards to meet Eddie's. His eyes, a soft pool of brown filled with concern and shock, looked down at me. His hands opened and closed anxiously.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

I smile forcibly, "Yes, just a bit cold but I'm okay." I lied.

"Loren don't-"

"I need to change." I cut him off.

"You're shaking…" He said, "I'll be right back." Eddie's eyes observed me cautiously; he hesitated before existing out the room. The door was left half way open and I stood up with a strong discomfort tugging my stomach. Nevertheless, I walked towards my closet and took out a jacket, a T-shirt and sweatpants. With difficulty, I quickly changed. My body was still shivering, frigid and pale. I bit my lip gently and looked towards the bathroom. The tub was filled with water, and liquid was dripped around the walls, the mirror and the floor trailing up to my bed. I turned my gaze to the broken door; he must've kicked it real hard to break it open.

How did he find me?

I swallowed and rapidly shook my head. I rubbed my face lightly and proceeded to put on my stocky jacket. I cringed at the sudden pang of pain, but opted to ignore it. I turned around softly and found his radiant brown eyes looking at me confused and dismayed. My eyes quickly looked down to the ground and he took a step forward. He contemplated for a second and I was frozen in place. I wanted to move and find comfort in my bed. But walking meant limping; I didn't want to worry Eddie. I didn't want him to find out. He took another step forward. I clenched my teeth, inhaled and held it together. The pain was dreadful as I walked towards my bed completely ignoring Eddie's attempts of getting close to me. I wrapped myself with the comforter and the covers of my bed. Eddie sighed frustratingly and sat on the edge of my bed. I nibbled on my lower lip and laid in a fetal position. It was silent for a minute and the only thing that was heard was the chattering of my teeth.

"Nora just called." He broke the silence. I sighed in gratitude for the fact that he wasn't shooting me with questions.

"What did she want?"

"She wanted to know if you're okay."

Mother, how will she take this? "What did you say?" I whispered. I watched Eddie soughed silently. He didn't dare to look at me and I watched his back slouch.

"I didn't know how to respond her… How could I tell her that I found her daughter drowning herself in the tub of the bathroom?" My eyes widened and I quickly shook my head. "I wasn't going to-"

"So I told her that you're safe now." He moved his head to the side and made eye contact with me. Our eyes locked. Confusion, concern, dismay, shock and anger were all so evidently written on his auburn orbs. My eyes casted down and I carefully sat up. I leaned on the white wooden frame of my bed. My eyes followed Eddie as he turned to me. "What happened to you Loren? Who-who did this to you?"

I sighed. Nothing, really. Nothing important that you should care about. I'm fine. Everything's fine. I wanted to say. But I didn't, instead I sat quietly and did my best to avoid his eyes. I couldn't look at him, not when his eyes were painfully pleading me. "Loren, who did this to you?" He repeated, this time urgent. "Tell me, please." He begged. The bed deviated and his now warm hands cupped my cheeks. He forced my gaze to land on his. "I swear that I'll find out who did this to you and when I do they'll pay. Those motherfuckers won't get away with this." I sat motionless before slowly releasing his grasp on me; I pushed his hands away and shook my head. "I'm okay really, everything is fine. Nothing happened."

"Everything is fine." He restated.

"Yes."

"Are you really saying that to me after I found you suffocating in cold water?" His voice cracked.

"I wasn't doing anything."

"Really? You didn't answer your phone and any of my texts, Nora and I called you countless of times. Hell, Melissa even called us asking where you were. I opened the door with the key Nora gave me because you didn't answer the door. When I entered a wave of cold air welcomed me. Your bathroom door was closed. I shouted for you, I screamed your name but you didn't answer me. I kicked the door because there was no other solution and I wasn't going to spend time picking on the lock. And when I finally get to you you're on the tub sinking in the water, blue from the cold. You're shivering. And I damn well didn't miss that bruise on your arm. Yet, after all of this, you still tell me everything is fine."

"That's because-"

"Don't fucking deny it, Loren." I flinched at his harsh tone. "I'm not denying anything…"

The bed deviated again and he leaned forward to me. "Look at me." I didn't comply and he clutched the covers underneath him. "Look at me dead in the eye and say nothing happened. Can you lie so easily while looking at me?"

"I told you already, I'm fine."

"Jesus, Loren! Why do you have to make this so hard?"

"Eddie-"

"I'm trying to help you. I want to help but you don't let me."

He lifted my chin with his forefinger and thumb. "Do you know how painful it is to see you hurt and not having a single clue on how to help? Is it something you do unconsciously, to push everyone away?"

"I-I" I tripped on my words. "I don't want you to worry about me."

He snapped. In an instant, he abruptly stood up from the bed. "You don't want me to worry about you? Is that it? You exclude me because you don't want me to worry about you?" He chuckled bitterly. "Damn it, Loren. Just fucking damn it. You don't realize how much it pains me every time you push me away. How every time I want to get closer to you, you go ahead and push my attempts away. It destroys me, Loren. It kills me when I feel useless." I bit my lips harshly and my hands turned into fists as I watched him break in front of me.

"I want to know every part of you. I want to be the one to fix all your problems. I want you to know that I will never hurt you. I'll be the one to fight off your nightmares; every single night I will always be there for you. A phone call away. But you don't want me to worry about you." His breathing hitched and my eyes were becoming blurry. I am always the one to cry so easily. Stupid, stupid girl. "Don't you know? Haven't you come to the realization that I will always worry about you? It doesn't matter how many times you repeat how fine you are; I will always worry, Loren. Are you throwing me in vain? Are you completely pushing me aside?"

"Is it always going to be like this? Tell me. Will everyday be another day of me trying to decipher you? Are you always going to push me away? Because I don't think I will be able to take it… but-"

The first whimpered escaped. I immediately wiped away the flowing tears. Will you leave me? I wanted to ask. Don't leave me. I'll try to make it better, so please stay. He sighed. "But I guess that no matter how many times you decide to push me away-"

"It's okay- it's-it's fine really. I don't blame you for finally being fed up with me, so it's okay if you decide to leave." I said through the silent whimpers. The pain in my stomach diminishing. It's my entire fault it has come down to this.

I've wanted to tell you, honestly. But I never found the right words. I guess I have always been afraid of how you'd react. What if, huh? What if I told you of all my fears, all my problems, all my nightmares, and my past? Would you treat me differently? Would repugnance change your view of me? How exactly do you see me? Maybe a weak girl who can't seem to trust nobody. But does that even matter anymore? Because you're leaving. I've lost you and it's my entire fault.

Why can't I be strong enough?

"I've put you through all of this… it's a waste of your time but thank you. Thank you for caring for the broken girl. It's fine-" I choked and I looked up at him. Tears were rolling down my cheek and my shoulders shook as I tried to contain the whimpers. His eyes were full of anguish and he stepped closer to me. Regret taking over his features. But I didn't blame him for snapping at me. He needed to let his feelings out, and I'm glad he did. "It's fine if you hate me."

"It's alright if you do. I-I don't want to be a burden to you or anybody. If you leave, it's okay… It's not like I'm used to be being alone and-and I don't want you to be stuck with a suicidal chick with trust issues. So-" I smiled bitterly. "So, you can hate me and this will be easier for us if you leave-"

"Stop talking." He said. "Don't say anything for a moment and listen to me. That's all I want right now, for you to listen to what I have to say." His eyes burned with distress. He soughed, "You didn't let me finish. I never said I'd leave. I never once did say that, did I? Do you honestly think I ever leave you? Do all those times I told I will always be here mean nothing to you? Did you forget?Did you even listen to the part where I told you how much you mean to me? Loren," He walked towards me, leaning on the bed. "You have no idea how crazy I am about you. Do you? Even I can't explain how every time I look at you, everything stops and it's only you I see. I-I" He paused for a second, thought on something and then reiterated. "I want you so much." He leaned in and caressed my cheek. "I will never leave you, so please just stop doubting me. I want to know all of you, your past, your aspirations, your confusion but don't ever think that whatever happen to you will waver my feelings for you. They're too strong, and it doesn't matter what obstacles come because I will never stop lo-" He stop for a moment, "- feeling this way about you."

And suddenly, his arms were wrapped around me as he brought me into an embrace. I exhaled and rested my head on his chest. I continued to hug myself and he gently placed his chin on my head. I closed my eyes. A small smile began to form.

Maybe, just maybe, I should stop hesitating and let go for once. I felt his heart pounding, each beat quickening and falling into rhythm with mine. And as if an unspoken communication, I silently heard it. My thoughts finally agreeing on one thing.

I love you.

We were both laying on the bed, his hand encased on mine as his thumb traced gently the back of my hand. I watched as his eyes drifted. He scooted closer to me and brushed a lock of wet hair that was sticking on my face. His eyes trailed up to mine and I observed him. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Adrianna Masters."

"Who?"

"Adrianna Masters." I repeated. "She was the one that did this to me." His eyes widened and he was about to stand up before I clutched his arm. "Wait… that's not all. I-I need to tell you something else."

He oscillated but laid back down on the bed. Still unsure, his jaw clenched and the hold on my hand tightened. I sighed, exhaling it all out.

"I was 6, and it was my birthday. I remember because my Mother had baked my favorite meal that day and she had bought me the doll I'd been begging for the past few months." I clutched my waist, feeling the pain on my stomach again. "It was 7 o'clock at night when there was someone knocking on the door furiously. My mom and I were cutting the purple cake she got me when the door suddenly banged open." I stopped for a moment, recollecting the memory. "It was my father, and he was heavily intoxicated. He reeked of alcohol. And he was furious too. He probably had lost a fight, I figured since his shirt was dirty with blood marks." I felt Eddie's gaze on me and his body tensed. "One minute he was screaming at my mom, I don't really remember what he said to her since I couldn't hear anything through my cries, then he had his hands on her. He Held her harshly, shaking her. I continued crying because I didn't know why he was hurting her or why they were fighting. I still don't know why-" I shivered at the memory as it was clear as day. "-and when my mom finally got out of his grasp, she grabbed my tiny arm and hauled me into my room, telling me to lock the door. I did what I was told, but that night I didn't really sleep." His incoherent shouting, the protests of my mother. It's all too painfully clear. "I couldn't. The yells coming from downstairs were too loud… the next day I quietly went into the kitchen to find my father eating cereal and milk with a smile on his face as soon as he saw me. He ruffled my hair and acted as if nothing happened. I thought that everything was okay… My mom came downstairs with the failed attempt of covering her bruise on her left shoulder."

"That night, he came drunk home again. I was locked again in my room, hearing the yells and furniture crashing on the floor. What is going on, I thought. Each day was like that, sometimes even worse. Each day my mother would appear with a new bruise she was trying to hide and Trent would smile at me and ruffle my hair. It became a pattern, that pattern became a routine and that routine became my life for 10 years." I tear slipped down at the memories of my mother's flawless features being damaged by horrid bruises and my inebriated father inflicting all his anger on her. "For five years I was locked in my room every night having to deal with the screams. I always thought that he only beat her up, and that was it… I was a kid; I didn't pay attention to the way she had difficulty walking each day." More tears slipped down and I chuckled bitterly, attempting to shake it away. "Then one night, I snuck out of the room and carefully walked downstairs. And then-" My vision became blurry and I quickly covered my mouth, tightening it when the scene hit me so harsh. Eddie pulled me towards him and soothingly rubbed my back. I cried, my body shaking along. "There he had her, right on the dining table. Banging into her so violently, forcing his way in and my mother-" Trying not to cry, scream in pain for the sake of her child. "I quickly went upstairs, and the house went dead silent. I locked the door and hid under the bed, hugging my body and silently crying for my mother." How many times did he do this to her? Was it every day?

"The next day, it was his day off. I didn't have school that day either. We were all sitting down on the dining table. He, eating so joyfully, and my mother and I in alert. It all just went so fast after that, all I could remember is that my mother was too busy looking at me with concern that she didn't hear Trent's command of passing him the salad. He got so angry that he was about to hit her." I sniffled and Eddie continued rubbing my back. What's he thinking now? "But he didn't get to lay a finger on her. I had quickly jumped in and grabbed his arm down, then I met the floor after that. He had grabbed me by the waist and slammed me down on the concrete floor." That was the first time he ever hurt me physically. Oh Mother, so careful with your daughter that you became careless with yourself. Trent never laid a hand on me like he did to my mother, he never touched me like that. Many times he did, but my mother was quick to intervene and take the pain for me. Some nights I would here the door of my room open and he would sit on my bed, rubbing my thigh gently. All I did was close my eyes, wishing that this would all just be a nightmare. Soon my mother walked into the room and managed to pull Trent out of my room. After the door was closed, the screams, items clashing resonated once again.

"And that became a constant thing between us. He would try to hit her and I'd intervened causing him to push me against anything." And attempt to choke me. "Everything in the house was broken; bruises, broken bones, fear, nightmares, yells, screams; that was my life. Every day became a nightmare. And sometimes I didn't even know how we survived." I said. And broke down. My body quivered savagely. "I always begged my mom to leave him. Escape from it all, but she always brushed me away. She always told me that everything will go back to normal, that we will be that happy family with no worries once again. She believed Trent could be fixed." But deep down she knew she was in vain. "She didn't want to accept the fact that he was already lost, and it could've been simple if we'd just leave. But she was afraid that if we did, he would chase after us..."

He didn't say a word; instead he held me closely to him and listened to everything I said. And that's all I needed, someone who would listen.

I told him everything. From my constant incubus, my tormentors, how I was finally able to free myself from Trent constant abuses. Adrianna, Melissa, Emily, my mom, how much I detested school, about him. I told him about those days I saw him. He never interrupted me, he kept listening. Pulling me closer to him when I whimpered.

And even though these memories will haunt me forever, it's nice to know someone is out there for you; that you're not completely alone and silence is never the answer. Maybe someday I'll be well and alive to tell someone who's going through a rough patch that keeping it all bottle up is the worst decision one can do. And maybe I can advise them to let it all out because that's what had me locked in all these years. My silence.

I can feel myself finally breathe, like, all I needed was my whole being collide against your gentle touch.

Suckish chapter. Whatever, I wasn't really expecting to turnout like this, that's why I don't really like it. This was meant to be on a couple of days ago. Crap came on and like doing just that: Shit. Sorry, personal. I'll probably rewrite it in the future. Anyways, such a great week, like, I can feel the rest of the summer being all fantastic. I haven't been on anything lately,.I was grounded, I lost my phone (but I founded it again), my laptop went crazy on me erasing all my files. YAY. And then my mother extended my punishment for another day after I insulted her dancing skills. "Mother, you can not move your booty." We're doing Zumba, because we need to get in shape. It's really fun though.

I'm slightly mad at fanfiction. It hasn't been wanting to let me update my stories. But thank Alicia, she posted it yesterday for me, even though I gave it to her four days ago. Yay, I'm not grounded anymore.

Estefy: love the lyrics :). Thanks guys for being so sweet and liking this story!

Songs: "Collide" by Howie Day and "Breathe" by He is We

Julia-nehh